51
pr ised you or what you discovered about your partner. prised partne r. Remember that it can be scary scar y to share sexual desires and to talk t alk about them t hem vulnerably. vulnerably. Never cut cut your partner down or punish them for revealing a desire to you. Do your your best best to be nonjudgmental. nonjudgmental. If I find myself myself judging, I start thinking of myself as a scientist— scientist—aa researcher seeking to understand. I ask a lot of questions. qu estions. Is there room for compatibility compatibilit y when you talk less about the specific activity and more about why that activity turns you on? Can you meet the turn-on turn- on without the specific activity? a ctivity? Are there fears or misunderstandings that might be addressed? Where could both of you get more education so that you can understand more about the specific activity and what it means? Could you dip your toes in just a little bit (for example, handcuffs instead of full-body full- body rope bondage)? When Ian and I went together to see Ivy Young, she gave us a kink compatibility compatibilit y checklist. checklis t.We had already gone go ne through my version of a similar checklist at home (just going through the list and discussing what we wanted to try tr y turned tur ned him on like l ike crazy, crazy, and we didn’t didn’t get through th rough the list on our first attempt). We’ e’d d done a lot of communication. communicat ion. Ian was shar s haring ing more openly about his hidden desires. I got a clearer picture about where we could play together and why kink was so important to him. Luckily Ian and I discovered by by going through my Kink Communication Communicat ion List and doing the “Understanding “Understand ing Tur urnn-ons” ons” exercise that we were pretty much compatible with each other.We had ha d many matching wantwant-tos. tos. Try it for yourself:
KINK COMMUNICATION LIST Step One: Get Evaluating (Giving)!
Go through the list lis t of activities below bel ow and for each one, circle whether you want to do it, you you are willing to do it, or there is no way you way you are going to do it on the giving the giving end. end.
C o n s e n t : F a b u l o u s F u e l f o r S e n s a t i o n a l S e x — J u s t K e e p I t S a f e !
52 Step Two: Get Evaluating (Receiving)! D E I F S I T A S
Go through a second time with a different-colored different-colored writing implement and circle whether you want to do each activity, you are willing to do it, or there is no way you way you are going to do it on the receiving end. end.
D N A , D E I T , D E F F U C
Step Three: Get Discovering!
Now meet with your lover and compare notes! For anything that you feel you are willing to to do, discus discusss your deg degree ree of willi willingnes ngness. s. Is it a “Y “Yes, es, I love you and although it may not be my cup of tea, I’m all for it” or is it a “W “Well, ell, okay, okay, I guess gue ss we could” co uld”?? Rate Rat e your willin w illingg-tos tos on a scale of 1 to 5—1 5— 1 being be ing “Yes, “Yes, I love you, let let’’s go g o for fo r it, it ,” and 5 being be ing “I guess gu ess I can suffer through this.” I would add anything on the willing- to list that is a 4 or 5 to your no-way no-way list for now. You can revisit these later. Step Four: Get Conversing and Researching!
Ask questions, quest ions, do more research, and be sure to go g o deeper into int o specifics for each topic. t opic. If you are unsure what wha t an activity act ivity is, read further fur ther in this t his book or Google it! Step Five: Get Started!
This form gives you a map, helping you to see where you and your lover can play together. All of the places where your want-tos want-tos match up are great places to start. Stay away from the no-ways no- ways and always respect them. Keep an open mind that willingwil ling-tos tos can turn into want-tos want-tos and sometimes nos. And there are even times when nos turn into willing-tos, willingtos, but do not pressure your partner into this. Pressure only creates resentment and distance. Step Six: Get Educated!
Now that you have your places of consent, read the rest of this book, take classes, get private coaching, and participate in learning labs.
53 Step Seven: Get Reevaluating!
I advise you to go through this form for m again three months from the time you first took it to reev reevaluate aluate where where you you are. are.
Playful Restraint Erotic Wrestling
WANT
Willing
No Way
Holding Hands Down
WANT
Willing
No Way
Holding Legs Down
WANT
Willing
No Way
Full-Body FullBody Pinning
WANT
Willing
No Way
Leather Cuffs
WANT
Willing
No Way
Silk Ties/Sashes
WANT
Willing
No Way
Rope Restraint
WANT
Willing
No Way
Binding to Furniture
WANT
Willing
No Way
Suspension Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Spreader Bars
WANT
Willing
No Way
Genital Restraint Ropes
WANT
Willing
No Way
Genital Chastity
WANT
Willing
No Way
Other_____________
WANT
Willing
No Way
Being Dominant/Submissive
WANT
Willing
No Way
Humiliation
WANT
Willing
No Way
Explicit/Dir Explic it/Dir ty Talk Talk
WANT
Willing
No Way
Punishment/Rewards Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Ownership
WANT
Willing
No Way
Owning Genitals
WANT
Willing
No Way
Power Roles
C o n s e n t : F a b u l o u s F u e l f o r S e n s a t i o n a l S e x — J u s t K e e p I t S a f e !
54 D E I F S I T A S
Orgasm Control
WANT
Willing
No Way
Exhibitionism/Sex in Public
WANT
Willing
No Way
Other_____________
WANT
Willing
No Way
D N A , D E I T
Sensory/Impact Play
, D E F F U C
Temperature Play (Wax, Ice, etc.)
WANT
Willing
No Way
Love Taps/Spanki aps/Spanking ng
WANT
Willing
No Way
Sensual Feasting
WANT
Willing
No Way
Fur Mitts
WANT
Willing
No Way
Erotic Massage
WANT
Willing
No Way
Nipple Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Riding Crops
WANT
Willing
No Way
Paddles
WANT
Willing
No Way
Flogging
WANT
Willing
No Way
Whips
WANT
Willing
No Way
Caning
WANT
Willing
No Way
Blindfold
WANT
Willing
No Way
Hood
WANT
Willing
No Way
Tickling/Feathers
WANT
Willing
No Way
Sensory Play with Restraints
WANT
Willing
No Way
Electrostimulation
WANT
Willing
No Way
Other_____________
WANT
Willing
No Way
55
Intense Sex Mouth Restraint—Ball Restraint— Ball
WANT
Willing
No Way
Mouth Restraint—Bit Restraint— Bit
WANT
Willing
No Way
Mouth Restraint—Ring Restraint— Ring
WANT
Willing
No Way
Hard Pounding During Intercourse
WANT
Willing
No Way
Intercourse Combined with Restraints
WANT
Willing
No Way
Oral Combined with Restraints
WANT
Willing
No Way
Butt Plugs/Prostate Stimulators
WANT
Willing
No Way
Dildos/Vibrators
WANT
Willing
No Way
Discipline (Rewards and Punishment)
WANT
Willing
No Way
Anal Sex
WANT
Willing
No Way
Vaginal Fistin Fistingg
WANT
Willing
No Way
Face Slap Slaps/L s/Love ove Taps
WANT
Willing
No Way
Pounding on Body
WANT
Willing
No Way
Strap-on Strapon Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Forced Bisexuality
WANT
Willing
No Way
Double Penetration
WANT
Willing
No Way
Breath Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Hand over Mouth and Nose
WANT
Willing
No Way
Choking
WANT
Willing
No Way
Hard Kissing
WANT
Willing
No Way
Tantric Breathing
WANT
Willing
No Way
WANT
Willing
No Way
Other_____________
C o n s e n t : F a b u l o u s F u e l f o r S e n s a t i o n a l S e x — J u s t K e e p I t S a f e !
56
Other D E I F S I T A S D N A , D E I T , D E F F U C
Oral Sex
WANT
Willing
No Way
Anilingus
WANT
Willing
No Way
Pony Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Puppy Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Fantasy Role-Play Role-Play
WANT
Willing
No Way
Gender Play (Cross-Dressing) (CrossDressing)
WANT
Willing
No Way
Rape-Fantasy Scenes
WANT
Willing
No Way
Mind Sex
WANT
Willing
No Way
Slave Traini Training ng
WANT
Willing
No Way
Goddess Worship
WANT
Willing
No Way
Financial Domination
WANT
Willing
No Way
Foot/Boot Worship
WANT
Willing
No Way
Sex Games
WANT
Willing
No Way
Dive Deeper: Download the expanded Kink Communication List at:
www.mistressjaiya.com/KCCL.
My own Kink Communication List is still not enough. Each of these activities could mean one thing to one person and another thing to someone else. So ideally, the best thing to do with it is to have a discussion. When your play partner suggests you try an activity, respond with, “Well, what do you mean by that?” Now you can negotiate from a place of informed consent versus just saying yes yes to an activity that could mean something completely different from what you were thinking.