Funny quotes & Funny Quotations ... The Best of the Web , enjoy !!! Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money !) Death is hereditary. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. More funny quotes ......... If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. --------Michael L. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ---------Wendell Johnson It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --------Weinberg Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --------F Lebowitz
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --------Robert Frost The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --------Franklin P. Jones We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -------Jean Cocturan It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. ------Jerry Seinfeld
Words of Wisdom 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. 6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. 8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" 11. My Reality Check bounced. 12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. 13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. 18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? And still more funny quotes
FUNNY MOVIE QUOTES ! Last Action Hero Danny Madigan: Man, are you an idiot. You made the classic movie mistake: don't explain so much! Antz Barbatus: Don't make my mistake, kid. Don't follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself. The Blair Witch Project Heather: I'm scared to close my eyes. I'm scared to open them. L A Story Harris K. Telemacher: Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please, start talking at the sound of the beep. Fight Club Tyler: Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME MOMS!!!
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Cute Funny Quotes ! "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." Spike Milligan.
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe.
MORE FUNNY QUOTES Cool Quotes, Cool Quotations, Cool sayings, proverbs, poetry poems
Cool Quotes :
A zebra does not change its spots. - Vice President Al Gore It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one -Phil White Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful. - John Wooden Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. - Danny Kaye Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - Oscar Wilde " 'My country right or wrong' is like saying 'my mother drunk or sober.' " G. K. Chesterton "When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property." - Thomas Jefferson, 1807 "I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way." - Robert Frost, 1935 "We must all hang together, or, assuredly, we shall all hang separately." Benjamin Franklin at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776 "Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech." - Benjamin Franklin "It is not disease, but the physician; it is the pernicious hand of government alone which can reduce a whole people to dispair." - Junius Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. - Benjamin Franklin It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. - Bertrand Russell
"No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent." - Abraham Lincoln
Famous Quotes, Famous Quotations, Famous sayings, proverbs
All kinds of Famous Quotes, Famous Quotations, Famous sayings If you judge people, you have no time to love them Author: Mother Teresa Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of Godthe rest will be given. Author: Mother Teresa What I do and what I dream include thee, as the wine must taste of its own grapes. Author: Elizabeth Barrett Browning If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope of advance. - Orville Wright The benefits of education and of useful knowledge, generally diffused through a community, are essential to the preservation of a free government. - Sam Houston I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. - George Bernard Shaw Be led by reason. - Greek Proverb Only the educated are free. - Epictetus Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten , but they may start a winning game. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. - Samuel Butler Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought. - Albert Gyorgyi An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. - Anatole France It should be possible to explain the laws of physics to a barmaid. - Albert Einstein The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations. - Benjamin D'Israeli The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein Discoveries are often made by not following instructions; by going off the main road; by trying the untried. - Frank Tyger A time will come when men will stretch out their eyes. They should see planets like our Earth. - Christopher Wren Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein Whatever our souls are made up, his and mine are the same. Author: Emily Bronte When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us Author: Helen Keller Where there is love there is life Author: Mahatma Gandhi Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right Author: Henry Ford Half knowledge is worse than ignorance. - Thomas B. Macaulay How little do they see what really is, who frame their hasty judgment upon that which seems. - Robert Southey Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. - Voltaire
Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done. - Harriet Beecher Stowe Seeking to know is too often learning to doubt. - Antoinette Deshoulieres I mistrust the judgment of every man in a case in which his own wished are concerned. - Duke of Wellington What we see depends mainly on what we look for. - John Lubbock Some will never learn anything because they understand everything too soon. Thomas Blount Medicine being a compendium of the successive and contradictory mistakes of medical practitioners, when we summon the wisest of them to our aid, the chances are that we may be relying on a scientific truth the error of which will be recognized in a few years' time. - Marcel Proust. Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. Author: Mother Teresa I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. Author: Mother Teresa If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one. Author: Mother Teresa Winning is not everything. It's the only thing. Author: Vince Lombardi You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. Author: Plato You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Author: Abraham Lincoln Education is the ability to meet life's situations. - Dr. John G. Hibben Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children. - Ancient Indian Proverb
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth that humble reasoning of a single individual. - Galileo Galilei Think for yourself. Whatever is happening at the moment, try to think for your self. - Jean Riboud If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. - Thomas Edison Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do...but how much love we put in that action. Author: Mother Teresa We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love Author: Mother Teresa I tolerate with the utmost latitude the right of others to differ from me in opinion. Thomas Jefferson He that never changes his opinion, never corrects his mistakes, will never be wiser on the morrow that he is today. - Tyron Edwards The smart ones ask when they don't know. And, sometimes when they do. Malcolm Forbes The greatest mistake is to imagine that we never err. - Thomas Carlyle Men are apt to prefer a prosperous error to an afflicted truth. - Jeremy Taylor Only intuition can save you from the most dangerous individual of all, the articulate incompetent. - Robert Bernstein What the fool cannot learn, he laughs at, thinking that by his laughter he shows superiority instead of a latent idiocy. - Marie Corelli Arguing with a fool proves there are two. - Doris M. Smith Let us not dream that reason can ever be popular. Passions, emotions, may be made popular, but reason remains the property of the few. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe They that will not be counseled cannot be helped. If you do not hear reason, she will rap you on the knuckles. - Benjamin Franklin
Education quotes, Quotes on Education, Quotations about /for education
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. Albert Einstein A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. Alan J. Perlis - Epigrams of Programming Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Albert Einstein
Quote of the day - Quote for the day
quote of the day page last updated on 17.8.2003
"There will be a day when you ask me what's more important, my life or you, I will say my life, you will turn around and walk away not knowing that you are my life!"
"Find out who you are, and do it on purpose."
The happiest of people don't necessary have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way"
"Don't ever frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile!"
"A girl and a guy can be just friends, but at one point or another they will fall for each other.. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever"
"A friend is someone that will come and bail you outa jail but a best friend is someone that will be sitting right next to you saying that was freakin awesome!"
" Its the best feeling in the world when you say hi to me or smile at me cause I know for a second I crossed your mind"
"Life isn't measured by the breaths you take but by the things that take your breath away"
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know that they are always there."
"The best things in life are seen in dreams"
"Don't forget who are because you never know what you'll be."
"Just Remember... Everything is ok in the end. If it's not ok, then its DEFIANTLY not the end!"
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved who I'm not."
"Today if a smile comes to you and it's one you can't explain, it is because I thought of you and smiled just the same"
"Don't be surprised if I stumble over my words when I am with you. Sometimes it is hard to talk with a big grin on my face"
HAPPINESS QUOTES, QUOTES FOR HAPPINESS, QUOTE FOR HAPPINESS, QUOTATIONS ON HAPPINESS, Proverbs, sayings, messages
If my heart can become pure and simple, like that of a child, I think there probably can be no greater happiness than this. -- Kitaro Nishida
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. -Oscar Wilde
"What's the use of worrying?
It never was worth while, So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag, And smile, smile, smile. -- George Asaf
"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it." -- Richard Bach.
"Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response." -- Mildred Barthel.
"Good nature is worth more than knowledge, more than money, more than honor..." -- Henry Ward Beecher
"Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay not attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap." -- William Bennett
"What is the worth of anything, But for the happiness 'twill bring?" -- Richard Owen Cambridge.
"He who sings frightens away his ills." -- Cervantes
"If you want happiness for an hour -- take a nap. If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing. If you want happiness for a month -- get married. If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime -- help someone else. -- Chinese proverb
"Of cheerfulness, or a good temper -- the more it is spent, the more of it remains." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"The supreme happiness of live is the conviction that we are loved." -- Victor Hugo.
"Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens." -- Douglas Jerrold.
"Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." -- Helen Keller
"We are never so happy, nor so unhappy, as we suppose ourselves to be." -- La Rochefoucauld.
"Experience praises the most happy the one who made the most people happy." -- Karl Marx
"To accept what you are is to be content, and contentment is the greatest wealth. To work with patience is to gather power." -- Vimalia McClure
"Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it." -- Bernard Meltzer.
Success is getting and achieving what you want. Happiness is wanting and being content with what you get."
-- Bernard Meltzer
"Act happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love, and do what you will." -- Dan Millman
"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them." -- John Stuart Mill.
"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." -- Doris Mortman
"The thing that goes the farthest towards making life worth while, That costs the least, and does the most, is just a pleasant smile. -- Wilbur D. Nesbit
"A good disposition is a virtue in itself, and it is lasting; the burden of the years cannot depress it, and love that is founded on it endures to the end."
-- OVID (circa AD 8)
"Happiness is a by-product of an effort to make someone else happy." -- Gretta Brooker Palmer.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." -- Agnes Repplier.
"The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good." -- Bertrand Russell
"No joy can equal the joy of serving others." -- Sai Baba
"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." -- Albert Schweitzer
"I wish you all the joy that you can wish." -- William Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice).
"Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression." -- Dodie Smith
"A good laugh is sunshine in a house." -- Thackeray.
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." -- Mark Twain.
"'Tis easy enough to be pleasant, When life flows along like a song; But the man worth while is the one who will smile When everything goes dead wrong. -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Happiness...it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.--
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Being happy is something you have to learn. I often surprise myself by saying "Wow, this is it. I guess I'm happy. I got a home I love. A career that I love. I'm even feeling more and more at peace with myself." If there's something else to happiness, let me know. I'm ambitious for that, too.-Harrison Ford
Cheerfulness in most cheerful people is the rich and satisfying result of strenuous discipline.-- Edwin Percy Whipple
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. -- Helen Keller
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. -Carl Jung
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. -- Hugh Downs
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. -- Fredrick Koeing
Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses. -- Dale Carnegie
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present. -- Jim Rohn
Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.--Theodore I. Rubin
You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. -- ZIGGY
Happiness adds and multiplies, as we divide it with others. -- A. Nielsen
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. -- Victor Hugo
The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mood of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; for happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.-- Charles Langbridge Morgan
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. -- Mildred Barthel
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman