Conversation Tactics
Strategies to Charm, Befriend, and Defend By Patrick King Social Interaction and Conversation Specialist www.PatrickKingConsulting.com
Table of Contents Conversation Tactics: Strategies to Charm, Befriend, and Defend Table of Contents Introduction Chapter 1. How to take compliments gracefully. Chapter 2. Capitalize on conversational high points. Chapter 3. Interrupting is your secret weapon. Chapter 4. Speak their language. Chapter 5. How to impart respect. Chapter 6. Observe the two-‐second rule. Chapter 7. The best way to warm up to conversation. Chapter 8. Rehearse only your conversational bookends. Chapter 9. How to deflect and roll with the punches. Chapter 10. Celebrate people’s idiosyncrasies. Chapter 11. Humor is just a slight spin away. Chapter 12. 2:1 Questions:Interjections. Chapter 13. Never laugh first. Chapter 14. Pass on the ad hominem. Chapter 15. Argument tactic: Appeal to perfection. Chapter 16. Argument tactic: Sowing seeds of doubt. Chapter 17. Argument tactic: Clarifying questions. Chapter 18. Argument tactic: Beat the strawman. Conclusion
Cheat Sheet
Introduction Just like Republicans have Democrats, vampires have the sun, and cats have everything under the sun, I have natural enemies. In life, there are simply people who push your buttons and whose feathers you ruffle. Some people like baseball and hate soccer, and to some people you simply might be soccer. It’s a normal part of being a human being and it doesn’t make you any worse of a person. But I digress. My arch nemesis when I was growing up was named Kyle. Kyle was the proverbial thorn in my side. It seemed like everything I said annoyed him on a personal level, which would cause him to loudly disagree. He would express himself to anyone that would listen about how wrong I was and expound on everything that I didn’t know. Unfortunately, we shared the same group of friends so we were forced into interaction constantly. Since I continued to
offend him by breathing and existing, we would bicker like a married couple. One of our biggest arguments was about choosing where to eat after a group canoeing trip. We clashed as usual, but this time he used some dirty argument tactics that I didn’t know how to counter. Needless to say, I was stumped and lost that argument and we went to his restaurant of choice. To this day, I can’t be sure if he actually felt maliciously towards me, but I just couldn’t win with him. Over years, I learned to deal with him and eventually convert him into a friend. As you might guess from the title of this book, it was a three-‐step process to charm, befriend, and defend with Kyle. The first step was learning how to get him to accept me – charm him. It was a matter of speaking his language, understanding his perspective, and projecting my respect for him in a tangible way. These are things you might think you’re doing, but it requires more than just a bit of awareness and effort. Next, I needed to befriend him and become more than an acquaintance. If I could get into his inner circle, I could get that same type of snarky argumentation on my side, and that could be valuable. Making someone feel validated and heard is the carpool lane to deeper friendships, especially when you combine it with humor. Finally, I learned to defend myself from the extraneous and often off-‐base accusations and arguments he was making.
Along with making sure that I was heard and people didn’t take advantage of me, it forced him to respect me more. This was a win on all battlefronts. I figured out how to turn a mortal enemy into a relatively close friend, though the principles are widely applicable to those you wish to charm, befriend, and defend yourself from. I’ve easily turned acquaintances into allies, and good friends into best friends. In this book are techniques and tactics, eminently actionable, to make yourself a more smooth and likable person through conversation. Just through conversation? The subtleties and nuances are what will set you apart, and that’s what you’ll learn here. Perhaps most importantly are the tactics to argue and defend yourself effectively. People make outlandish claims on a daily basis, and if you can catch and diffuse them, you will effectively mark yourself as someone to be reckoned with. If you’ve ever felt like you were a doormat, this is where to start a revolution. Conversation tactics aren’t just manipulative tricks to get a short-‐lived laugh. Conversation tactics are like the background music in a television scene. When they’re there, you don’t notice that everything is flowing smoothly. But when they’re gone, you notice (sometimes immediately) that something is just off, and that alone can
kill a conversation. Everything that you think might not matter actually contributes to an overall perception of you, and you should embrace this because you’re about to learn how to charm, befriend, and defend.
Chapter 1. How to take compliments gracefully. We use compliments almost daily, but why exactly do we give them? Compliments are meant to make people feel better about themselves, which ultimately builds comfort and rapport. If someone has a new haircut that you like, a compliment should boost their self-‐esteem, make them happy about their decision, and make them notice you. We’re after the intended effects – they feel better about themselves, and that translates to the conversation and their feelings about you. So maybe compliments are selfish to some degree. But in practice, accepting and receiving compliments is rarely such a smooth process. Think back to the last compliment you either gave or received. What happened after it was given? People, including you, often don’t know how to handle direct praise and become incredibly uncomfortable when confronted with it. We live in societies that are often as passive and covert as possible, so this shouldn’t be a
surprise. When we avoid being direct in our lives, we have no idea what to do when we’re face-‐to-‐face with it. The response was probably one of the following: -‐ False modesty – Oh, my muscles? I just started going to the gym and apparently it’s working! -‐ Awkward stuttering – Um… you mean my biceps? Thanks… I guess… Um… -‐ Flat-‐out denial – What are you talking about? I’m fat, ugly and out of shape. You’re blind. -‐ Evocation of a deep insecurity – I’m fit? I don’t know, I used to be the fat kid and I never really see myself as attractive or deserving of anyone… -‐ Direct gratitude – Hey, thanks! Now how about the weather? … Each with its varying negative implications. Only the last example doesn’t derail a conversation and make both parties feel weird about being positive. So this is all to say that if you really thought about it, you might be surprised as to how badly people handle compliments. It can stall an entire conversation and cause people to just slink away from each other rather than continue to talk. The reasons for this are various, but in some cases, people aren't even able to recognize that what the other person
said to them was a compliment in the first place. Were they being sarcastic? Are they actually complimenting me on something that I either don’t care about, or am extremely self-‐conscious about? Why did they say that?! That’s the result of a society of sarcasm and beating around the bush. Not surprisingly, awkward moments occur. People engage in conversation with each other for only a very small number of reasons. It can either be entertainment, information, pleasure, and sometimes all of them at once. The lack of ability to take a compliment can destroy any of these 3 purposes easily. So how do you take a compliment gracefully and within the flow of a conversation? Compliment the compliment. First of all, when someone pays you a compliment, believe in it. Believe that it is genuine and that the person is rather not attempting to undermine you, undercut you with sarcasm, or simply be malicious. Don't doubt the sincerity of the compliment. Leave that unnecessary analysis at home because it will affect your ability to receive a compliment in a genuine and healthy way. Looking at everything positive coming your way with suspicious, slanted eyes is a mindset that will pervade your outlook without even realizing it. In other words, you’ll be a
Negative Nancy (or Depressing Dan) and like attracts like. So assuming that you have internalized the possibility of positivity coming into your life, how do you graciously accept the compliment? You compliment it! Patrick, your haircut makes you look like a United Colors of Benetton model. My goodness, you are one flattering son of a sun! Patrick, the way you shot that gun was nothing short of amazing. Kerry, you are one hilarious guy and that bulls-‐eye was for you! Patrick, those are some sweet shoes. Jimbo, observation is your middle name! Patrick, you have the body of a modern Adonis. Victoria, your comparisons are the best part of my week, hands down. Complimenting the compliment is more than turning the statement on itself and taking the focus off of you. It allows you to avoid all of the negative implications and assumptions that people would make about how you receive a compliment. For example, if I were to agree that my haircut DOES make me look handsome like James Dean, it’s a bit arrogant isn’t it? If I were to deny it, it’s a bit frustrating for the complimenter and makes me seem like I’m fishing for
attention. And so on. You avoid all of the pitfalls that I illustrated in my earlier examples – the pitfalls that stall conversation. Complimenting the complimenting allows you to deflect your attention onto something else entirely. The impact of the compliment is still heard and felt so that the complimenter feels validated, but you don’t have to deal with a conversation about it… which is often the uncomfortable part. It also injects another positive element into your conversation. Instead of ambiguity and potential awkwardness and negativity, you created a mutual positive situation. This triggers positive reciprocal action. This is a very powerful yet easy way of dealing with extra attention. You diffuse it by bouncing it back to the complimenter, which moves the conversation along. In other words, you share the spotlight and turn a simple compliment into a win-‐win situation! Get used to praising and positivity. As I mentioned above, it’s all too easy for negative mindsets to pervade your daily life. Often, it’s a combination of the snowball effect and the slippery slope. That’s another reason it’s so important to compliment the compliment. It allows you to train yourself to see the positive in any situation and statement, and that’s something that will actually pervade your mindset. Studies
have shown that simply smiling and acting happy and positive can literally change moods. So when you get used to praising and positivity, guess how your outlook on life in general changes? Well, I don’t have to spell this one out for you, but it’s something that affects every interaction you have. Get comfortable with praise and positivity and realize that it’s a very possible part of your daily life. Get out of your rut and find a little more joy in your life. Accept it! Just because somebody phrased a sentence a certain way doesn't mean that you should start reading negative connotations into it. Assert your own mindset of praise and positivity onto it, and take control of the situation… because it is fully within your power to do so. Compliments are meant to be good, so compliment it back, share the goodness, and welcome more positivity into your life.
Chapter 2. Capitalize on conversational high points. In any conversation, there is a high point. There might be multiple low points, but by default, one part is the best and highest. Let’s imagine a standup routine. A standup comedian begins with his best joke and ends with his second best joke. Those jokes are what you would call (conversational) high points because of how well received they are by others. Usually, they are high points by virtue of the emotional impact. There’s a sense of shared reality, emotion, and it’s the most memorable part of the conversation. This is where you want to be, ideally, multiple times in a conversation. It can be a big joke, a hilarious shared look, or watching animals hump rather suddenly together. These things are memorable high points. Conversations fluctuate by nature. The energy level in a conversation is not going to remain fixed and static throughout. Conversation energy levels are like sound waves and there are inevitable lows.
Many people don’t converse optimally because they fail to recognize this and don’t compensate for it. It's not like they don't know how to talk to people. Instead, they simply lose sight of the fact that conversations follow an ebb-‐and-‐flow pattern. Failure to anticipate this leads to confusion when the energy naturally recedes and a freak out that accompanies not knowing how to handle it. Eventually, the conversation flattens out and both of you lose interest. Oops. If you want to master the art of conversation, you have to use this oscillating factor to your advantage and utilize the high points you create to bounce the conversation back up. Identify high points. The first step is obviously to identify the conversation high point. How do you know that something is the high point of a conversation without hindsight? That’s the wrong question to ask. The question you should be asking is how strongly something made you feel. Simply, if it evokes a strong reaction in any way, it’s going to be a high point. This can take many different forms. You can share a big laugh. You can both get emotional and cry. You share a strong perspective on an issue that no one
else does. You witness something either horrifying or hilarious together. You finish each other’s sentences. You create an inside joke with them. You both struggle to not laugh when you observe something. Regardless, there was a strong mental connection between the two of you. Callback to the high point. Now that you've identified the emotional high point that was reached in the conversation don't let it go to waste. Take note of it and put it in your pocket for use in the very near future. Don’t let it go old like some month-‐old milk that you’re afraid to throw away because of the smell. You are going to callback to it. What do I mean by this? It’s simple, and it’s also a tactic used by just about every standup comedian. You are just going to refer to it in the context of your current topic. For example, you talked about your favorite kind of dog earlier in the conversation. There was a high point about comparing yourself to a wiener dog because, well, it’s hilarious. Now your current topic of conversation is style and different types of jackets. How do you callback to the wiener dog high point from earlier by referring to it in the context of jackets?
Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t wear that type of jacket because I’m mostly similar to the wiener dog, remember? Just combine the two elements and capitalize on the high point you had from earlier. How does this work to your favor? Well, when you refer to that point later in the conversation, it sends a message that you paid attention. You will come off as an extremely attentive, observant, and even clever person. You’re borrowing the emotions invested and summoning them at a point in the conversation that has lower energy. You are creating the wave of energy from your work before, in a funny and charming way. When two people reach a conversation high point, they feel a certain bond with each other. When you refer to it, you strengthen that bond… in a funny and charming way. Here’s another example. Prior high point: a shared hatred of limited parking. Current topic of conversation: the weather. Callback: Yeah, the rain will definitely be welcome when we can’t find parking spots within ten blocks of our apartment. Rinse and repeat. In the same way an orchestra conductor can hit the same
high musical point but through different arrangements and different approaches, you should keep referring to this conversation high point. You have to remember that you're trying to prevent the conversation from dying out. That is your objective. When you keep referring to that high point but with different reference points and different approaches, you are reawakening the emotional urgency the person you're talking to has in your conversation. If you do this well enough, the overall energy level of your conversation can remain relatively constant. This is one of the most effective ways you can keep your conversation going at a fairly high interest level. In the mind of the person you're talking to, the conversation never teeters out. This leads them to perceive you as a very clever, interesting, and intelligent person to talk to. You end up making a very favorable impression to them. In reality, what you just did was identify a high point, and you kept recycling that high point in your conversation. Of course, just like with any other conversational or interpersonal engagement tips, you shouldn't come off as obvious. If you want to become a truly great conversationalist, you need to master the process of getting the ebb-‐and-‐flow pattern of conversations to work for you.
Chapter 3. Interrupting is your secret weapon. Most books and pieces of advice on conversation will advise that you never, ever interrupt others. They’ll invariably say that interrupting is rude and sends the wrong message to other people. It’s selfish and violates the golden rule of conversation, which is to let others talk about themselves ad nauseum. Okay… there’s some truth to that. If you interrupt constantly and don’t let people get on track with what they want to say, they will eventually start to hate you because you come off as selfish and self-‐absorbed. And honestly, you probably are if you find that you constantly interrupt. You also aren’t building the connection you think you are because you are constantly focusing inwardly. The ironclad rule that interrupting is the devil is fairly incorrect... but it’s also easy to misuse the contents of this chapter, so interrupting artfully is a concept that you have to be careful with.
When you talk to someone, there are several levels of communication happening simultaneously. People can feel just fine consciously, yet have a negative feeling subconsciously… if they are continually interrupted in a way that rubs them the wrong direction. Keep this in mind because there will be a point where you might end up stepping on somebody's toes. So how do you interrupt artfully, and avoid the negative feelings that might be associated with interruptions? Interrupting to agree. Just as the subtitle says, interrupt only to agree. Interrupt because you are in fact so excited about what they are saying, that you can’t hold it in! Similarly, interrupt to complete that person’s sentence, and interrupt to show that you are emotionally present with them. Allow me to illustrate. I was just in Greece and loved it when… [interruption] No way! That is so exciting and Greece is my favorite place in the whole world! And then I tried parking there and the meter maid… [interruption] Was terrible and ticketed you anyway despite the sign, right?! She’s the worst. That movie was amazing, I just couldn’t believe when…
[interruption] The ending, right?! It was such a shocker and crazy twist! I couldn’t believe it, I absolutely… [interruption] Hated that book, right?! I totally agree! What do you notice about the examples above? They all denote a level of excitement for what the other person is talking about. The excitement is actually so high, and you feel the same way that they do, that you can’t wait for them to finish! So you are interrupting with a purpose, and not just blindly to interject something randomly about yourself. You are interrupting to agree, commiserate, show your emotional engagement, and feel together. You are also interrupting because you feel as strongly about the subject as they do. You have the same level of emotional urgency, and that is key. Instead of challenging them, you are agreeing heavily, and who doesn’t like to be agreed with? The more they feel you are in the same emotional place as them, the more they will like you. But hey, we don’t always feel so emotionally identical to other people so as to finish their sentences. What if we just want to create that feeling of closeness? It’s not difficult to actually predict what people are saying so that you can interrupt to agree, or finish their sentences.
You can usually tell when they are getting worked up, and when people get worked up, they make big proclamations. They even use hyperbole. So… isn’t it easy to see where you can interrupt? If you know they feel strongly about something, interject there! For example, you are talking about laptop computers. It becomes apparent that they enjoy Apple products a lot. Gosh, I can’t believe that person has a PC, it’s so… [interruption] I know, why can’t they just come to the dark side with Apple? Such superior products! Of course, this can backfire on you if you guess the wrong way. For example, if in the above example you guessed that the other person loved PC products instead of Apple products. There’s an easy solution for this as well. You simply interrupt them but don’t finish your sentence. For example: I know! It’s so… And then you allow them to finish the statement with amazing! or horrible! so you can see which direction they are going. You just get them. Let's face it, modern life can occasionally be alienating and isolating.
At some level, most people feel that few people truly get who they are. Whether or not this is true, it’s a mindset that motivates us every day. When you speak in unison with somebody, this creates emotional unison. You both get emotionally engaged and these "aha" moments can't help but draw you closer to each other. These types of moments create the impression of a deep and profound understanding. If this happens frequently through your conversation, the person you're talking to can't help but feel hopeful. They can't help but get a feeling that the person they're talking to, which is you, truly gets them. If you're trying to become a really great conversationalist and you want to be persuasive, this is a powerful element that can work to your favor. These are all things that precede bonding inside jokes from shared experiences, which leads to the impression of "you and me against the world". We’re not just talking about friendship here. We're talking about a deep and profound level of loyalty. So what’s the overall upshot of interrupting? Huge. As annoying twins often say, they are so close that they can finish each other’s sentences. What they might not realize is that it works the opposite way as well – if you can finish
each other’s sentences, you can create the feeling of familiarity and closeness.
Chapter 4. Speak their language. The singular key to a successful conversation is comfort. Okay, it’s difficult to pinpoint one single key to a successful and flawless conversation. But being comfortable? That should be a given. It’s the lowest common denominator. You might not need to be supremely comfortable, but if you are uncomfortable with the other person or the conversation, you simply won’t open up and be your charming self. You don’t actively need to be as comfortable as you are in your proverbial sweatpants, but you can’t be uncomfortable. This, of course, flows in the other direction – if the other person isn’t feeling comfortable and safe, any hope you have for a genuine connection flies out the window. What is one of the best and easiest ways you can make someone feel comfortable? Speak their language. Use their terms. Take yourself into their verbal comfort zone and let them feel like they’re on home turf.
This might involve some or all of the following: their accent, their tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and gestures. You have to remember that everybody comes from different backgrounds. We all grew up in vastly different contexts and that context informs both their perspective and their verbal comfort zone. If you want to become a truly effective conversationalist, you need to quickly figure out what this context is. An illustration might help a bit: let’s imagine that you are speaking to someone with a thick British accent. Will they be more comfortable with someone that (1) also has a British accent and uses the words “lift,” “loo,” and “bloody” every other sentence, or someone that (2) doesn’t know the British meaning of those words or has trouble understanding a British accent? We all have comfort zones – that doesn’t make us xenophobic or exclusive, it’s just something that happens naturally as a result of our upbringing. Finding someone’s comfort zone is similar to mirroring, except here you are speaking his or her language instead of just copying it. Vocabulary. To create comfort, you have to speak their language. But this doesn’t mean that you emulate all of their mannerisms
and attempt to become a clone of them. That’s just transparent, awkward, and disingenuous. The first step is to observe the vocabulary and vernacular someone uses. To use someone’s vocabulary can make a huge difference in how they perceive you. You immediately set yourself aside from others and put yourself on someone’s level. If they don’t have to translate terms that they do for other people, it’s relieving to some degree. This is a subtle piece of advice because sometimes there just isn’t that much proprietary vocabulary to latch onto and reflect back to them. When you go beyond vocabulary and go into mannerisms, gestures, and body language, this is how you can relate to people at their core. It’s like they are talking to their childhood neighbor, and that’s a good thing. Their core is always what they are comfortable with. With just a tiny bit of background research, you can discover people’s contexts and comfort zones before you even talk to them. For example, you could ask your friends where someone was raised or what their favorite hobbies were. Armed thusly, you could sprinkle in phrases and vocabulary that are inherent to those locations or hobbies and instantly break the ice and force them to see you on their level. For example, if you learn that someone was raised in a rural village and their favorite hobby is skiing, you could use rural
vocabulary when talking about livestock, and use an analogy or metaphor that involves ski lifts and slopes. You’ll probably see their eyes light up with recognition of someone that they can relate to intimately. Keep in mind that people’s comfort zones might not be what you think they are. It’s all about how people choose to view themselves. Somebody might be a high-‐powered attorney who is making several million dollars a year as a partner in a big and prestigious firm. But if he talks to you mostly about farming and life in the country and working with his hands, then that is the area of interest when you converse with that person. It’s what he relates to. The objective reality might be that this person is a true blue urban dweller and more at home in the big city rather than in the countryside. However, in his mind and the way he talks, his heart is in a rural setting. In such a case, you should view him the way he chooses to view himself and dive into that comfort zone. But don’t go overboard. Unfortunately, we’ve all seen instances of this. It probably happens every time we see politicians speak on television. They awkwardly attempt to speak like the constituents they are addressing, often to hilarious results.
Not familiar? Okay, imagine a 50-‐year old attorney addressing a 15-‐year old urban youth. Now imagine the attorney trying to speak the slang that the youth uses. Cue the cringing. Not familiar? Okay, imagine your parents (or anyone that didn’t quite grow up with the Internet) starting to drop “LOL, “LMAO”, and “OMFG” into everyday conversation with you. That’s what I mean by going overboard – it’s very apparent that they are trying to speak your language, which is positive, but the execution is painful and doesn’t make the other party more comfortable. Instead, it makes them laugh at the absurdity of it, and can even be counterproductive. Focus on comfort. As I mentioned, comfort isn’t just a goal of conversation, it’s a prerequisite. Comfort precedes trust and openness, and what’s the point of talking if you’re not aiming for those two things? By speaking someone’s language and entering their comfort zone, it makes them feel like they can be 100% themselves around you. They don’t have to put on a mask or show, however slight, that they need to feel accepted by others. It takes a lot of mental and emotional capital to put on appearances. If you're that one person around whom they feel they don't have to do this as much, they can't help but
feel more positive around you. This will lead to a higher sense of shared intimacy, which culminates in a free exchange of sharing. Speaking someone’s language allows you to penetrate their comfort zone faster than most other techniques. Who would you initially feel more comfortable with, someone from your hometown, or someone that you have to explain where your hometown is? When you find someone’s comfort zone and set up a home there, you allow them to discover you.
Chapter 5. How to impart respect. A person’s a person, no matter how small. -‐ Dr. Seuss All human beings have a need to be respected, even if they objectively don't deserve it. Put another way, no human being likes to feel disrespected and like they don’t matter. It’s a negative feeling that can ruin someone’s day. It’s also largely avoidable. We all know that respect is something you earn. It's not something handed to you just because you show up like a participation medal. But when it comes to getting along with people, it doesn’t really matter if you think someone hasn’t earned your respect or doesn’t deserve respect any at all. You have to project the illusion of respect regardless of how you feel internally sometimes. Is it fake? No, it’s just reality.
If we could only interact with friends, family, and those we respect, that would be an idyllic life. However, it probably also means you couldn’t have a job or go out in public in any meaningful capacity. If you don’t allow people to feel a baseline of respect, some might even go through great lengths to pay you back in a similar manner. So to avoid all sorts of unnecessary drama and sending off the wrong signals when conversing with people, make sure you talk to them in such a way that there's always an aura of respect. Projecting respect. Let’s begin with what’s disrespectful: telling and ordering people around. When you address others, your choice of framing and phrasing directly influences how much respect is felt. It might be subtle or small in your eyes, but it has a large effect. Hey, take the trash out NOW! Hey, can you grab the trash for me real quick? I’m busy on the stove… Choosing whether to ask a question or make a statement impacts respect in a big way. Logically (and realistically) you are saying the exact same
thing. The question and the statement both get the same message across, and they have the same end goal. But the path to that end goal is as drastically different as day and night. Asking a question is more respectful than telling a statement. Indeed, when you make a statement or a comment to somebody, this can be perceived as an imposition or an order. It’s a lack of consideration for what they are doing, and creating a dominant tone for them to submit to. Many people might even take offense to simple statements and the things they read into them. I could go on about the baggage that people come with, but the conclusion is still to avoid statements in favor of questions whenever possible. Stick to the rule: Ask, don't tell. An additional step to create an even greater illusion of respect is justification. Hey, can you please take the trash out for me, I can’t because I’m on the stove right now. To defuse situations and maximize the illusion of respect, you need to tell people why you are asking or explain why you are telling. Giving someone a justification for your ask turns an order into a reasonable and rational request for assistance. The magic word is "because." According to research studies, simply including the word "because" in a request
completely defuses a lot of defensiveness and reluctance on the part of the person being requested to do something. When you give the reason, this increases the perception of respect. Hey, can you help me with the microwave? I don’t have time because I just cut my finger off while chopping onions. Aside from increasing respect and diffusing defensiveness, justification turns a potential imposition into a necessity. It’s quite difficult to feel disrespect by being asked to do something that is necessary at that point in time… like helping someone that cut his finger off. Most people are in fact happy to do so. Keep in mind that people can easily feel quite touchy and defensive when there is no pre-‐existing hierarchy or pecking order between you and that person. In our society, everybody would like to imagine equal standing with others. When you feel that somebody is throwing off that implied equality by giving orders, this triggers all sorts of defense mechanisms.
Chapter 6. Observe the two-‐second rule. In the sphere of conversation advice, it’s commonly held that people like to talk about themselves. This is undeniably true. But I’ll add an addendum in the context of this chapter – people aren’t so much interested in talking about themselves as feeling heard and like they matter. That’s one of the big reasons why they actually do talk about themselves. Most people aren’t by nature inclined to brag about themselves, they talk about themselves so they can feel validated by others. So when people have the spotlight, their goal is usually to feel heard and gain validation from others. Naturally, the worst thing you can do to someone who has the spotlight is to seize it from them, and we do this in various ways without even realizing it. For example, that’s where the phrase “stealing someone’s thunder” comes from, where you literally seize their
spotlight by continually changing the topic of discussion back to yourself. But the biggest way that we seize the spotlight is by not appearing to listen to what they are saying. Even if you are listening intently, it’s still easy for others to feel like you are not. Namely, when you jump in immediately after they have finished speaking. Why is this negative? The other person who just stopped speaking will likely come to the conclusion that you did not really listen to him or her. You appeared to be so eager to talk that you give that other speaker the impression that whatever they said wasn't that important to you. When you do this, it becomes very clear and apparent that you were just waiting for your turn to speak, and haven’t really listened to what they were saying. Note that this is an entirely different phenomenon from interrupting artfully and gracefully. With positive interruptions, you are interrupting because you agree with them so much, here you are just waiting for them to finish so you can say your piece. That’s what the two-‐second rule will combat and destroy. Two seconds. The two-‐second rule is simple.
After someone speaks, especially longer, more thoughtful, and more personal statements, you pause for two seconds before saying anything. That’s it. You pause for two seconds to appear like you are soaking in what they’ve said, and truly acknowledge it before replying to it. Of course, these are things that you should actually be doing, and not just appearing to do so. It’s incredibly frustrating to say something deeply personal, and then have your conversation partner not even acknowledge it and talk about their next gym session. During those two seconds, be mindful that your facial expression reflects thought and isn’t just a blank stare. When somebody stops talking, they usually look at your face. What they're looking for is some sort of cue that you paid attention to them and what they said sank in. If you immediately launch into what you have to say, it will plant seeds of doubt in the back of their minds as to your level of respect for them and the importance you gave to their message. All it takes is two seconds. Of course, it has the positive side effect of actually slowing you down and making you think about the message the other person is trying to convey. This rule is really about making people feel that they matter. You're not making the person you're speaking to feel important if you just jump right in after he or she stops
speaking. People want to feel like you not only heard them but you actually listened to them. If you just start talking after somebody stops talking, they might even feel that you didn't even acknowledge what they had to say. Fill the two seconds. One common solution that people use in place of a two-‐ second pause is to say That’s really interesting… However, this can get annoying if you habitually do this. It's very easy for this statement to be taken as some throwaway phrase that you are making to cloak the fact that you just want to talk immediately after they stop talking. The best way to use this phrase or similar phrases is to do the two-‐second pause and then say it. This actually enhances the effect of the two-‐second pause. It not only makes the previous speaker feel acknowledged; you're also showing appreciation for what they said. After all, you said that what they said was really interesting. The whole point behind this practice is to make you look like a good listener. And people love great listeners because they want to be heard. They want to feel that they matter. They want other people to acknowledge that what they have to say is important. You probably keep hearing the phrase "great listening skills." It's not really a question of whether you're actually
listening and processing all this information. A lot of that perception stems from you appearing like a great listener. In other words, you give out signals that make people feel good about themselves. Give people their full spotlight but make sure that they can continually feel it.
Chapter 7. The best way to warm up to conversation. A conversation is a performance, and social and conversation skills are muscles that aid that performance. When we want our best performance, whether athletic or academic, we always engage in some type of warm up. It’s almost common sense at this point that you need to prime your body and mind to the kind of performance that you want. Runners stretch, singers sing scales. What about people engaging in conversation? If you’re headed out to any kind of social event, this chapter is for you (everybody, essentially). To warm up your social and conversation skills, you just need to do something we’ve done almost every day in our lives: read out loud. Reading out loud. It sounds simple, but reading out loud this time will be different from any other time you’ve previously done it
because you will have a purpose. Here are the steps. Open a book, find an article, consult your favorite poet. Find an excerpt about 400 words long, preferably with dialogue from different characters. The more exciting and emotional the excerpt the better. Read the excerpt out loud. Scream parts of it loudly, while exaggerate whispers in other parts. Use different and zany voices for different characters. Exaggerate any emotion you see in the excerpt tenfold – insane laughter, boiling rage, confusion, joy, etc. Read the excerpt like you’re giving a performance in a contest, and the winner is judged on how emotional and ridiculous they can be! Pretend you’re a voice actor for a movie trailer, and you have only your voice to get a wide range of emotion across. Pay attention to your voice tonality. Are you accustomed to using a monotone? Well stop it! Use the excerpt to extend your range of vocal tone: loud, quiet, expressive, and emotional. What emotions are you picking up in the text? Even in an excerpt of 400 words, there is an emotional high and low point. Create them, and make them sound like climaxes to stretch your range of emotion. You should also be paying attention to your diction and how you enunciate. In a sense, you are literally warming your tongue up so you don’t stutter or stumble on your words when you talk to others. This is another reason to have an
excerpt with dialogue – the more diversity of the text you are reading, the better warmed up you will be. After all, runners don’t just jog and call it a day for warming up. They do various exercises targeted to optimally warming up different parts of their body for performance. Remember when your childhood teachers used voices when they read stories to you? Have fun with it like they did and realize how you can create a story based on expressive voices. You need to adopt some of that when talking to adults – there has to be enough diversity in tonality and pronunciation to make the conversation exciting. Your vocal tone shouldn't be flat when you're talking. Breath. After you've gone through the excerpt several times and nailed the emotional diversity involved in your vocalization, the next step is to pay attention to your breathing. You have to focus on your diaphragm because that is what helps you project your voice better. The better you project your voice, the wider the emotional range you can create. Using your diaphragm properly involves essentially drawing your breath from your stomach. That’s the reason singers put their hands on their stomachs – it’s to check that their diaphragms are engaged. Try it and make sure that your stomach is taut and tight. The point here is to literally breathe life into the words that
you are speaking. Those who speak without their diaphragm inevitably come off as quiet, meek, and mouse-‐ like. Keep practicing by reading out loud different passages from different genres of literature. This way you can master a wide range of emotions. You first start by exaggerating, but eventually you tone it down to the level of actual interaction that you are engaging in. It’s always better to have more in your toolbox and dial it back than the alternative of being insufficient. Pacing. How you say something is as important as what you say. Elements like your tone of voice, facial expression, general demeanor, body language, and overall presentation are important. Another key element of how you say something is, of course, your pacing – the speed at which you talk. Have you ever noticed that liars and those with hidden agendas tend to speed up at certain points? Also those who are nervous, uneasy, and uncomfortable. Their pacing tends to implicate their intent. Speed can either be your friend or undermine what you're trying to say. You might otherwise have a great point to make. But if you say it at the wrong speed or your pacing is off, a lot of what you have to say can easily be lost. On the other extreme, instead of getting people to feel that they can trust you, your speech's speed actually gets them to get their guard up.
While there are no hard and fast rules as to how your pacing should be, keep the following as general advice. Slow down at landmarks. Speed and pace are how you can emphasize certain points. When you’re making a big point, you should slow down your pace to increase the impact felt. You can't be a good conversationalist if the key points of the story are easily overlooked. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you zip through them. So it's a good idea, generally speaking, to slow down to emphasize the key points of the story. You are also able to consciously pair elements of the story with emotional signals and your body language. By the same token, it's also a good idea to speed up when talking about less important points. Stay focused. The entire point of warming up is to prepare yourself for a greater challenge to come. Obviously, the best way to do this is to warm up in ways that prepare you for situations you might not even encounter. This way, your emotional and vocal range is stretched for the daily situations you will encounter, making you a far more expressive person. All this from reading out loud? Yes, if done with purpose and deliberation!
Chapter 8. Rehearse only your conversational bookends. In other words, focus and rehearse only the beginnings and ends of your conversation, speech, or performance. There’s a simple reason to focus on the bookends – that’s where people get their impression of you. First impressions, if you haven’t heard, are fairly important and can influence how a person views your actions for years to come. As for the ending, that is the last memory people will have of you, so you should make sure that it has a chance of being positive. The introductions and conclusions should demand the majority of your attention. Feel free to write out mini-‐speeches for hellos and goodbyes. Feel free to attempt to memorize them verbatim – they won’t throw off the flow of conversation in those positions.
Hey, my name is Patrick and I met the host of the party when we were backpacking through Antarctica! She sure has a good relationship with ice. How was your weekend? And everything between the introduction and conclusion? Assemble a loose and rough outline. That’s it. A lot of people think that they need to come up with a highly detailed agenda every time they talk to someone new, similar to the agenda for that Monday morning work meeting. It sounds smart to prepare in such a manner, but in practice, it will seriously hamstring your ability to talk and connect with people. Interpersonal communication is by nature not a speech or report. It will never adhere to your agenda, despite your best efforts. Approaching it like that is like bringing a knife to a gunfight. The chances are that you are going to diverge from the script completely (and if you continue to steer the conversation back to the script, you are being annoying and probably sounding robotic). Entering a conversation with a fixed script often blows up in people's faces because conversations are by definition organic. Conversations are inherently on the fly and a product of thinking on your feet. You detect facial expressions, verbal demeanor, tone of voice, gestures, posture… and this leads to all sorts of wonderful and diverse directions for the conversation.
The dialogue takes a life of its own, and this is what makes people feel comfortable with each other. This opens the way to people getting the impression that they actually get each other. If you were to throw a script in that situation, you are keeping this dynamic give-‐and-‐take from taking place. You are trying to leash the very powerful dynamics that are in effect until the other party to the conversation simply gives up. This is why it's so important to focus only on the beginning and ending of what you want to say. In the middle, let the conversation take its own shape. The most I would recommend scripting the meat of a conversation is a few bullet points, with two subheads under each bullet points. Most importantly, don’t make anything a “must talk about” otherwise it will disrupt the natural flow. And what if you veer completely off script, as is inevitable? You will be completely lost because you depended on the script to guide your conversation’s direction. Scripts teach dependence on aids that shouldn’t be required in daily life. They become crutches. Improvise. Since you should be focusing on the beginning and ending of the things that you will be talking about, you might feel incredibly unprepared for the middle portion of a
conversation. You simply have to have the mindset that you are going to improvise. By accepting this mindset, it’s like increasing each of your five tactical senses. They are on alert because you know they’ll be needed, and you’re more able to pick up signals and think on your feet. If you don't prepare yourself to improvise, you subconsciously expect some structure. This can lead to awkward conversations because you will literally have no idea what to say if it doesn’t fit into your laid out structure. You’ll be expecting your conversation agenda as a crutch, and be helpless when it evaporates. Picture that it's improv night at a local comedy club and you're there to put things together, draw random connections, and simply make it work. Pay attention to the signals being sent by the people you're talking to, and work with them. The more observant you are, the easier it is to carry on a conversation. Supposed you notice that their shirt is special, or that they just got a haircut. These are all directions for the conversation to go in if you are observant enough. Your script probably didn’t allow for such simple topics of conversation that (1) important to the other person, and (2) can lead in unexpected and exciting directions. Your conversational bookends should be ironclad and can be highly rehearsed. It just makes sense if you want to make a good impression. However, the meat of the conversation should be free flowing and negotiable because otherwise
you will find yourself a distracted robot. All script makes you a dull conversationalist.
Chapter 9. How to deflect and roll with the punches. For some people, verbal punches (teasing, jokes, sarcasm) are how they relate to others and how they demonstrate affection. I may or may not be one of those people. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with it if you know your limits. But if you dish it out, you also have to be able to take the punches when they inevitably swing back your way. The key to taking punches on the chin and standing tall? Internalize that nothing is personal, and things are said in the name of non-‐malicious laughter. The best way to deal with a joke at your expense is to not get defensive and angry with them. They didn’t attack you just to make you feel bad; they were just poking fun at one of your vulnerabilities because you seem like you are secure enough for them to do so. Don’t prove them wrong and get angry! If someone makes a joke at your expense, simply agree with
them and exaggerate it to the 10th degree. Patrick, 1980 called and wants your haircut back. Um, I think you mean 1880. Get it right! Patrick, I can’t believe your phone doesn’t work here. Yeah, it’s like those car phones from the 1990’s except it’s not heavy enough to be a weapon. Patrick, I think that steak you made last night gave me diarrhea. You’re lucky if you only got diarrhea. Patrick, you are one terrible driver. I mean, I’ve only wrecked two cars, so I have no idea what you are talking about. What signs does this send? First, it shows that you are approachable and don’t take yourself too seriously. To take a joke like that and turn it into another joke shows a sense of humor, and is someone that makes people comfortable. They can say what they want around you without having to be too careful. Second, it shows that you are secure. To dig yourself a deeper hole, so to speak, shows that you don’t care about what people think. You can roll with jokes, and don’t mind being the occasional butt of jokes. You know it’s all in good fun, and you want to extend the fun.
Finally, it establishes you as having wit and clever banter. When you have a guideline that you can follow (exaggerate to the 10th degree), it becomes too easy to think of something clever to say, and people will take notice soon. The point here is to develop a sense of mutual comfort. If you were to take offense and get dramatic on that person, you're going to be sending off signals of discomfort and that people need to walk on eggshells around you. At the very least, people would think that you can't take a joke. People might think that you take yourself too seriously. Eventually, people will just start talking to you less and less. You have to learn how to take a joke in stride. They almost never want to attack you personally; they want to know you as a person. If you are the type of person who is so thin-‐skinned that everything you say must be treated as the gospel truth, then people won’t be comfortable around you. Reveling in jokes at each other is how many bonds are built. Who wants to be friends with someone who can’t take a joke? People won’t feel warm or open when they're around you. However, when you take jokes in stride and bounce it back to them by hamming it up, people will see that you're somebody they can be friends with. People can feel that they can open up to you because you're not going to take offense and you're not going to judge.
The key to this technique is to agree with the critique or joke. Understand that what this person is really doing is that they are just letting you recognize your flaws. Play along and indulge them. Always seek to disarm people. Why? When you disarm them and you exaggerate their joke, they're less likely to make fun of you. Have you noticed that in elementary school, kids who took themselves too seriously were often the butt of jokes? People sometimes seek reactions, and those kids gave legendary reactions. If word comes out that you can't take a joke, what do you think will happen? People will challenge you even more. Nothing is personal. This is crucial. Sometimes when you try to exaggerate the joke or play it off, if you go to extremes, it actually sends the wrong message. It actually comes off as like you're pushing back or you're paying them back. Patrick, your haircut is so weird. Yeah, it’s terrible. Everything I do is terrible and all my clothes are pieces of crap too. I’m going to go to the homeless shelter now. Thanks. Very unnecessary escalation. Joke versus ridicule.
Sometimes people are actually malicious and mean-‐spirited. They’re not just actually cracking a joke; they’re ridiculing your intelligence, judgment, or your character. There is a big difference between a joke and ridicule. A joke is acceptable, and the difference is usually the intent. A joke can touch upon you, and can be about a wide range of topics personal to you. You are the not the primary target. A ridicule has the sole intent to make you appear stupid, and will dig deep without moving on. You can deal with jokes in a very pleasant way, and it won’t lead to unnecessary drama. However, if you're dealing with somebody who is flat out ridiculing you, then you need to be more careful. Don't come off as so defensive that it's obvious that you're insecure. Instead, call them out. A simple “What are you doing?” will suffice and stop most people. The whole point here is to send the signal that you're not a pushover. You're communicating that you saw what they did, and highlighting the fact that you won’t stand for it. This is crucial because this impacts the respect that others will have for you. If people are subjecting you to ridicule left and right, then people are going to lose respect for you if you don't push back. If you don't want to be treated like a doormat or simply be dismissed as irrelevant, you need to push back from time to time.
Thankfully on a daily basis, jokes occur far more than ridicule. Remember, you just need to make a joke of the joke, and that’s your key to deeper connections to people.
Chapter 10. Celebrate people’s idiosyncrasies. No matter how normal or milquetoast you think someone is, everyone has a weird side. That’s a good thing. Sometimes you don’t have to look very hard for the weird side to show itself, and sometimes you might have to dig a little bit… but it’s there. Everyone has their own sort of either mental, emotional, or physical idiosyncrasy that makes them uniquely them, and it can take unlimited forms. You might think that these idiosyncrasies are things that people want to hide and conceal from others. But here’s the surprise: when you notice, point them out, and celebrate them, they’ll love you for it. In the context of conversation, it’s going to be things like their mannerisms, tics, gestures, body language, vocabulary, unique phrasing, or even how they cross their legs. There are a multitude of other possibilities. Everyone has a different physical ritual they engage in, mostly subconsciously, when they speak to others. If it’s not
a physical ritual during conversation, everyone has different ways they perceive and go about their day. Some people will chew 50 times for each mouthful of food. Others will avoid touching doorknobs when opening doors. And some might avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk for fun. Once you have observed the same idiosyncrasy at least a few times to make sure it’s not because of a mosquito or some other environmental factor, draw attention to it! Not in a negative manner, but in an observant manner. Hey, that’s an interesting way of tying your shoes… I see that you keep twisting the jars into patterns, tell me about that. Do you favor your left arm? You crack it 5 times every time we walk inside. Did you read 1984 recently? You use the word goodplus a lot… You’re not calling them out. It’s not negative. You’re just shining the spotlight on something that is relatively personal to them that they thought people wouldn’t notice. But you did notice. The fact that you noticed something unique about them will make them feel special because you’ve paid so much attention to them. It’s like when someone gets a new haircut and you comment on it. Or a very niche joke they
make that 99% of people won’t understand. People might be self-‐conscious about something and not wanting to draw attention to it… yet still hoping that people notice. You’ve made their day by noticing what makes them unique! If you do it without going overboard and in a subtle way like the examples illustrated, what do you think the reaction will be? Wow, I can’t believe you noticed that. You’re so observant! You’re the only person who has ever asked me about that. If you do this correctly, people will view you in a different light instantly. To make matters even better, they might even think that you understand whom they truly are inside. Talk about establishing instant intimacy. All of a sudden their perception of you changes. You might have been a complete stranger in the beginning, just a part of the crowd. You engaged them in normal small talk, but nothing set you apart. You’re just another face. But when you shine the spotlight on an idiosyncrasy of theirs, you become observant and intelligent… and all the other associated character traits like intuitive, insightful, incisive, sharp, and high-‐value. The how is important.
Calling out an idiosyncrasy isn’t just about earning brownie points. If you approach it like that, people will eventually notice and call you out on it. If you make it appear like you're obsessing about their idiosyncrasy, what you think they'll feel? They will feel defensive and self-‐conscious. Instead of feeling that you truly get them and understand them and so they'd like to know you better, they might feel repulsed. Make sure that you don’t have any judgmental tone in your voice or body language when you call out the idiosyncrasy. People do not like to be thought of as abnormal or that there's something wrong with them. They will lash get, become defensive, and raise their guard to you. This can easily lead the conversation into a downward spiral. The best way to call out an idiosyncrasy is to mention it in an offhand manner. Do you favor your left arm? You crack it five times every time we walk inside. There is no negative judgment, and it’s said as a matter of fact. You’re just wondering, and asking about it without any implication of negativity. Don't make it look like you're shining a spotlight on something that is embarrassing. Instead, you can make your
observation a point of commonality. I tend to do something similar when I sit down to eat… Then talk about your own idiosyncrasy. When you do this, you establish a common ground and make it clear that there is no judgment. In some context, it's very easy for the person you're talking with to feel that you are their ally. It's you and them against the world because you share this similar tic. The point in calling out idiosyncrasies is to connect with others on a deeper level. It's very easy to feel in our modern society that we're alone. So when somebody out of nowhere says, "I get this about you," that person easily becomes very observant in our minds. And we would want to know that person even more because they see us the way we want to see ourselves. If you think you’re good at baseball, it’s always nice for external validation to that belief. If you can see someone how they see themselves and appear to value what they like about themselves, it’s a direct route to someone’s inner circle.
Chapter 11. Humor is just a slight spin away. I’ve noticed a pattern in the comedy that I enjoy. It’s the kind that takes a very simple everyday occurrence and looks at it with a different perspective. The unexpected contrast is the key and the root of the laughs. For example, bathroom humor. Say you are sitting outside at a picnic. The beer is flowing, and there’s a barbecue calling your name. Then a bird decides to ruin your day and poop on your head. You’d obviously rush to the bathroom and use as much soap as possible. You wouldn’t feel clean without soap, and might even go home in the absence of it. How could you continue to eat hot dogs and potato chips when you have a vague residue lingering on your scalp? We would never think of skipping out on soap for something involving bird poop. Wait… but we skip it daily when we deal with our own solid waste.
It’s a slightly more in-‐depth thought process that makes that realization humorous. Taking an everyday occurrence and looking at it in a different context is sometimes all that is needed. At first glance, it’s a normal bathroom trip that we normally don’t think about, until you think about the unsanitary procedure that occurs. If an alien species was observing us, wouldn’t this be a weird dichotomy that we don’t use soap when we defecate? That’s the power of humorous spinning. You look at something that you never previously gave a second thought to and look at it from another perspective. The juxtaposition of similarity and novelty is what the root of the humor. It’s powerful because they are common things that everyone observes, so there is an element of instant relatability. Everyone gets it, and that’s part of the humor. That's because they are all drawing from the same common reservoir of experience. These are common experiences and common observations. But when you put them together or you give them different readings, they come off as funny and witty. They can't help but notice that there is some truth in what you're saying. I’ll borrow a phrase from the television show Scrubs. A human butt in motion resembles two Pringles hugging.
When you take a literal yet unexpected view, people will enjoy the twist. If it sounds like there is a formula, there is. Step one: focus on an everyday occurrence. (We only use dry toilet paper in the bathroom.) Step two: think about it from a literal perspective. (We only use dry toilet paper in the bathroom, but if we were to encounter the same waste outside of the bathroom we would require soap.) Step three: think about the difference between the two. (For some reason, it’s acceptable to be less sanitary in the bathroom and have lower standards of cleanliness for our nether regions.)
Chapter 12. 2:1 Questions:Interjections. As you probably already know, one of the golden rules of conversation is to induce people into talking about themselves. This is usually solid advice, as people generally enjoy talking about themselves. It also allows you to spend less effort in a conversation if you are just prompting them to talk instead of doing the actual talking. If done correctly, it’s not uncommon that you can create a great conversation just from nodding your head and digging deeper. But that kind of one-‐sided conversation doesn’t sound like a conversation you want to have with everyone, does it? Do you really care about the minutiae of people’s lives, and are you uninterested in sharing about yours? Inducing people to talk about themselves is an extremely useful technique, but it’s not a particularly sustainable practice, especially with people that you have already known for a while. If any one party was to continually talk about themselves and monopolize the conversational real estate at the
expense of the other party… that’s not a conversation I’d like to be part of. It's very easy for people to fall in love with the sound of their own voice. Indulging people can help you connect with them, but it’s not meant to be used in every conversation. To combat this, let me introduce math into the concept of conversation – something you probably thought would never mix. You should maintain a 2:1 ratio of questions asked:personal interjections in conversation. Let’s unpack this. Conversation, when broken down, is really just a series of questions and replies. When someone asks a question, you either answer the question or you reply with a question of your own. If you think about your last conversation, these are the two building blocks that constituted the vast majority of it. So keeping a 2:1 ratio of questions to interjections is a way to allow other people to talk about their favorite subject (themselves), but keep a conversation more balanced and mature so you don’t have to keep acting like a talk show host. Everyone thinks they are interesting to some degree, and likes to share about their life. The 2:1 ratio lets both parties share their stories, but ensures that your conversation partner is continually engaged.
Regardless of how interesting you might think you are or how awesome you might think your life is, rarely is your conversation partner’s goal to listen to you like you’re holding a gavel. The 2:1 ratio works because it puts you on notice as to how engaged you both should be in the conversation. Here's an example (you’re in bold and utilizing the 2:1 ratio). Patrick, how was baseball last night? Good, what did you do last night? (1 question) Went bird watching! It was fun. Cool, isn’t it kind of cold and off-‐season for that? (2 question) Yes, but the climate is different in this one park nearby. Right on. That reminds me of a time… (1 interjection) Wow, Iceland sounds awesome! It was. Where is the last place you traveled? (1 question) Africa, it was so hot! Did you go on a safari? It’s a must, I hear. (2 question) I did, the lions were so close I could touch them. I love lions! They always remind me of the time I went to the zoo… (1 interjection) When you see it in practice, it’s natural and nothing out of the ordinary appears to be happening in this conversation snippet. But when you continue this pattern for an extended period of time, you are keeping the spotlight on the other person. This keeps them engaged, but it allows you to contribute to the conversation and make sure it’s not
one-‐sided. They get to talk about themselves, but so do you. If you hog the conversation by failing to maintain a 2:1 ratio of questions to interjections, the conversation will hit a wall, usually erected by one party’s boredom. The point of this rule is to allow them to spread their wings, talk about themselves, and make what's important to them known. It gives them an opportunity to feel comfortable around you… while you can transition into a real, reciprocal conversation and relationship. The final benefit is that it takes the burden off of your shoulders to carry and direct the conversation. Honoring the 2:1 ratio isn’t a hard and strict rule, as it is impossible for people to keep count during an engaging conversation. Don’t count it during a conversation, just try to get a general sense for how much each party is talking. Ultimately, it’s not about the actual ratio, which should only serve as a guideline. The 2:1 ratio is about how an optimal conversation should flow. Both sides should be engaged and be able to share and say their piece. Optimally, the other party should talk slightly more about themselves. They’ll simply have a better time in the conversation.
Make sure that you give yourself the opportunity to share about yourself, but cede them the spotlight more. If you find yourself getting bored with their endless soliloquies, simply adjust the ratio to be closer to 2:1 and answer their questions with stories. Finally, if they continue to wrestle the spotlight back from you despite a 2:1 ratio, it’s probably a good sign that they’re relatively self-‐absorbed. Do you really want to continue that conversation?
Chapter 13. Never laugh first. We all have fake laughs. No matter how honest we think we are, or how much we hate sugarcoating things to people… we still utilize our fake laughs on a daily basis. Here’s the thing about most of us – we’re inherently nice! We want people to like us, we want social situations to go smoothly, and we want awkward silences to die. Most importantly, we don’t want people to feel bad about themselves when they inevitably make a bad joke. So we throw them a pity chuckle. Fake laughter is the lubricant that salvages many conversations. It fills empty space and gives you something to do when you have no idea what to say. It keeps conversation rolling and gives the appearance of engagement even if you’re bored out of your mind. Appearances, as it turns out, do matter sometimes. If you’re speaking with the head honcho of your company, you know that your best fake laughter will be put to the test because you want them to like you. And sometimes we depend on the fake laughter of other
people to prevent us from feeling self-‐conscious or stupid. So we laugh at people’s jokes. laughter is pretty much an integral part of our daily lexicon – but that doesn’t mean we like it, and the more we have to do it with someone, the more tiring it is to talk to them… and ultimately unpleasant. Obviously, fake laughter from others is something we want to avoid, so what is the biggest step we can take to prevent it? Always laugh second. Never laugh first. The biggest culprit for people to use their fake laughter and ultimately get tired of talking to you is when you laugh at your own joke loudly and proudly, and without looking to the other person for a reaction… especially when the jokes aren’t great, time after time. Think about it. Monica makes a mediocre joke and laughs at it. Don’t you feel like you have to give her a fake chuckle to keep the conversation moving and give her the reaction she is seeking? Okay, so you force a smile onto your face and expel some breath from your lungs. No big deal. Then Monica does it again. And again. And again. And your facial muscles start to hurt because of how much you have to contort it into a fake, glazed-‐over smile. That’s what laughing at your own jokes first without gauging how the other person receives it will do to your
conversation partners. When you always laugh first, you’re imposing your will on the conversation partner and essentially telling them how to feel. That’s like talking about politics and then subtly telling them how you want them to vote. The worst part is that you aren’t able to hear their opinions, so the conversation slowly becomes a platform for you to showcase your alleged humor… and that is not a conversation most people enjoy being a part of. It’s a very slippery slope to becoming “that guy” or “that girl” that people try to avoid at parties because they don’t notice that a person wants to talk about something else besides their jokes. There’s also an element of the inability to read social cues if you’re always laughing first, loudly and proudly. Social cues are the little signs and hints people give off that say what they’re really thinking. For example, a common social cue is that when someone leans back with their arms crossed and looks around the room behind you, they aren’t interested in what you have to say. What cues can you observe if you’re reacting first and forcing them to abandon their social cues to match you? You could be throwing your head back in laughter while the other person is slowly inching away and you might not even notice. Another element to always laughing first at your own jokes
is it leaves you completely unable to gauge how funny you actually are. Without any proper and uninfluenced reactions, you are living in a world where you only hear laughter – laughter of your own that you manufacture. This can lead to an inflated sense of self – I’m sure you have friends that think they are hilarious because all they do is hear their own laughter. Others might laugh with you, but it doesn’t mean they think you’re funny. Always laughing first is usually a reaction born out of insecurity and the fear of conversational rejection, which is essentially silence after a joke. Not getting the emotional reaction that you want can be embarrassing or downright paralyzing to some people, so it makes sense that they want to seed the emotion, in a sense. It’s understandable and we’ve all felt it when we were feeling shy or nervous about something – nervous laughter, anyone? Of course like most rules, this one is not hard and strict. The mentality behind it is more important, and should serve as an important lesson in listening and reading others. The realization that you may be hamstringing conversation simply by laughing first can be transformational.
Chapter 14. Pass on the ad hominem. Arguments are inevitable, even with your best friends and significant other. Actually, they might occur even more with them… But time after time, studies have shown that how effectively and efficiently you resolve conflict with someone is a sign of how long those relationships will last. Graceful and effective conflict resolution is the topic for another book, but there is one golden rule that you must abide by: no ad hominem attacks. Ad hominem is the Latin term for an attack on the person. In fact, that's the literal meaning of ad hominem: to the man or against the man. In other words, an ad hominem attack is making a personal attack on the other person that is unrelated to the point at hand. It was originally coined for a debate tactic where a person arguing with another person attacks that person's character instead of that person's argument or logic. The hope is the person being attached would spend too much time protecting his or her character that they drop their
argument altogether. In a sense, it’s a smokescreen for the attacker to escape the original issue and live another day. Here’s a typical ad hominem argument: Lisa, you forgot to get gas for the car again. Could you next time, please? What about you? At least I can afford it, unlike you. How’s your so-‐called job? Note that the challenge is not against the validity or soundness of the argument. Indeed, it doesn’t even acknowledge or address it. The attack is against the person making the proposal, and the emotional reaction might indeed make the first speaker forget about the gas issue. Not every ad hominem is as obvious and blatant as this example. Most, in fact, are subtle and difficult to detect. Ad hominems are logical fallacies; they are dirty tricks. They have no place at all in conversations. They can be incredibly toxic, and are often the hallmark of someone that can’t take responsibility for their own actions. They might not even realize what they’re doing is massively deflecting any fault of their own. There are jokes that come off like ad hominems. And I've already covered in the earlier parts of this book how you should handle those jokes. Simply agree with the joke, exaggerate it, and it will go away.
An ad hominem, on the other hand, is an insult. It's just meant to put you down. It's all about attacking a person's character. Here are ad hominem mistakes to avoid or be aware of. Going over their head. This is where you give the impression that you are above the other person in terms of intelligence, social class, or ability. I would reply to that, but I'm not sure you'll get it. What you're saying is that the person is too stupid or too intellectually deficient to understand the reply you'd like to make. Even you can get it. The even you assumes that you are at a high point, but more importantly that the other person is at an extremely low point. You are telling that person that there are ideas that even idiots can get, and since they are an idiot, they should get it. I used to think that way. You are telling that person that you used to think like them, but not anymore. Now, you're no longer stupid and mentally challenged like them. Wishful thinking.
This is when you impose an alternative explanation that's demeaning to the thought processes of the person you're talking to. You then try to rationalize why they think the way they think. You think that way because you were abused as a child, weren't you? This is very dismissive and also very insulting. You are saying the person is wrong but should be excused, because that person is psychologically damaged. It’s a double whammy. Conversation killers. When you throw out an ad hominem or give a statement that comes off as one, people will react emotionally. They’ll often lash out and become defensive. They no longer feel that you're trying to be comfortable with them and it's no longer an open exchange of information. And whenever emotions are put into play, unnecessary drama tends to break out. Spotting and avoiding ad hominems. Since ad hominem statements, whether intentional or unintentional, are toxic to any kind of conversation, it's a good idea to be proactive in avoiding them. Instead of constantly putting fires out, make sure you don’t start any in the first place.
So what are some proactive steps you can take to ensure that ad hominem statements stay hidden? Maintain an emotional distance from the points you're making and others are making. In other words, attempt to not take things personally and see the real objective beneath someone’s words. I know that this is easier said than done. Let’s take one of your favorite shirts. Somebody made that shirt. Somebody else designed that shirt. Somebody has the copyright of that shirt. In other words, that shirt is the fruit of somebody's creative labor... and not yours. In terms of its core essence, it's not you. If somebody criticizes that shirt, you can't help but take ownership of that shirt. You can't help but feel that it's intricately tied to who you are. You feel really defensive and you would want to push back or get back at the person that you feel made fun or insulted your shirt. But logically, you just made the decision to put the shirt on, and had nothing else to do with it. Additionally, what qualifies the other person to make such a judgment on shirts? Finally, everyone has different taste in shirts and that is something to be celebrated. If you want to avoid ad hominem statements and not be affected by them, maintain a safe emotional distance from the points that are being made.
Always remember that you don't have to prove anything to anybody. You're not out to prove your level of intelligence or fashion sense. The only thing a conversation should prove is how comfortable and charming you can be. Always remember that because if you get so caught up in trying to be right in everything that you're saying, it's too easy to get so emotionally invested in the points you're saying that you can't help but be pushed into an ad hominem situation. What matters is that people trust you. What matters is that you create a positive environment around you. Keeping that in mind goes a long way in helping you achieve a safe and healthy emotional distance from the points that you are making. In fact, it enables you to not take things personally and imparts some much-‐needed perspective. Whenever you're dealing with other people, there is always a possibility for conflict. This is unavoidable. We all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences. 100% agreement is impossible, but there’s certainly a healthy way to discuss these differences. Keeping ad hominem attacks to the minimum is a large aspect of the healthy method. How productive can a discussion about immigration be if you spend the entire time focused on how bad at budgeting someone is?
Chapter 15. Argument tactic: Appeal to perfection. It’s time for the argue and defend portion of the book. As all conversations have the seeds for a potential debate, it’s important to know how to argue and defend yourself. If you are caught flat-‐footed and unready when you need to defend yourself, it will be very easy for people to steamroll you. If this happens repeatedly, especially in public, prepare for people’s respect for you to plummet and the judgments to rise. More often than not, arguments depend on tricks and logical fallacies that don’t hold up when put to higher scrutiny. Logical fallacies never address the core of the issue being argued. People who resort to them are not really engaging in argumentation. Instead, they are trying to cover their lack of knowledge or reason with deceptive tricks that make it appear like they are winning. That’s why it is important to recognize these argumentation
tricks so you can avoid them and deal with them accordingly. Appeal to perfection. One of the most common argumentation tricks people will try to pull on you is an appeal to perfection. They will refute your argument because, according to them, what you propose is not the perfect solution. This way of arguing ignores the fact that there are intermediary solutions. Solutions that are less than perfect but are nonetheless practical. By appealing to a perfect "be-‐ all, end-‐all" solution, they make it seem that your argument is defective. In reality, you're just being practical. The appeal to perfection also takes any argument to an illogical conclusion, which is never reasonable to plan for. Allow me to illustrate. Why should we ban guns in this country? Criminals will just find another way to get them illegally and outside the government’s purview. This person reframed the argument and made it a black and white issue. Is there an alternative to banning all guns in a country? Of course. But this person uses the assumption that there are only two options to disapprove of the argument. Another example is simply Why should I shower? I'm just going to need another shower in a day or two.
Again, this is an appeal to perfection, with the implication being a shower should clean you once and for all time. It ignores the intermediary benefits of a shower. There are obvious alternatives to being 100% clean and 100% dirty. Never showering is an unreasonable conclusion drawn that is supposed to prove a point. If you pursue this kind of reasoning to its logical conclusion, you'll get absurd and ridiculous results. One might as well argue that you should not eat today because you will be hungry again tomorrow anyway. This tactic tends to irritate people because the person using it jumps to conclusions that involve perfect states. The person making this argument ignores everything that is short of that perfect state. Nothing is ever good enough for that person, so you might as well drop your argument. It really creates a refutation for everything. This is frustrating because it's very dismissive while at the same time not really addressing any fundamental issues. It doesn't take both of you closer to any kind of solution. The other person hasn’t offered a solution, they have just torn yours down in a way that isn’t productive. The appeal to perfection tactic is usually used by those that can’t seem to offer alternative solutions. Their focus is on being correct, and technically they can almost always be correct by an appeal to perfection. Your solution isn’t perfect and doesn’t solve every little issue, so they have technically won the argument.
They’re correct like a stopped clock is correct twice a day.
Chapter 16. Argument tactic: Sowing seeds of doubt. This is a sneaky way of arguing because it can seem innocent and subtle. Even the name, sowing seeds of doubts, conjures an image of a secret agent lying in wait for years for his plans to come to fruition. The secret agent might integrate and appear to be a member of your society… so this argument method can be difficult to see sometimes. Basically, the person looks at your argument and nitpicks at the smallest weaknesses and uncertainties while ignoring the greater benefits. It can be phrased as an innocent question, which disarms you. This person is essentially trying to undermine your confidence in the solution that you bring to the table. They're sowing seeds of doubt regarding certain parts of your argument or even just one part of your argument… never mind the fact that it might be an irrelevant part of the argument. At first glance, this appears more legitimate than other methods of arguing. They might actually have a point
regarding those details. But it is inevitable that this becomes transparent because people will latch onto the smallest of details that don’t impact the overall argument. In many cases, they seem to make up details to nitpick and doubt. There is a rather famous case of triviality that demonstrates sowing seeds of doubt in action. A committee was appointed to design a nuclear power plant – a rather large undertaking, obviously. Yet the committee stalled for extended periods of time and was ultimately unable to complete the task because they could not agree on the design of a bike-‐shed… literally a shed used to store bikes next to the reactor. That was a true case of the inability to see the forest through the trees, and it’s what people will do to you when they sow seeds of doubt. They will claim that your bike-‐ shed has problems and must be put up for debate, despite the fact that in the end, the bike-‐shed doesn’t impact the overall plan whatsoever. People who sow seeds of doubt don’t actually know or understand your argument. It’s not about the argument or logic, it’s just about winning a perceived competition. They just latch onto the first thing they can find a flaw with, and hope that derails your overall argument. For example, you propose a new public transport system that is based on trams, which are typically louder than normal buses. This person likely isn’t aware of the statistical advantages in efficiency that trams offer over buses and metro systems, or the fact that many countries in South
America and Europe have employed similar systems to great success. They don't care about all that. All they see is that you are proposing a system that they aren’t interested in. That's all they need to know to go pick up and run with their argument with you. What's their argument? But they’ll be ugly. But they’ll be so loud and disturb the peace. But… In other words, this person doesn't really care about the practical reality of coming up with a solution. All this person is looking for is some sort of plausible or seemingly logical weakness in your proposition. They're just trying to make you doubt your argument. If you suspect someone is trying to sow seeds of doubt to you, you just have to doubt their doubt. Call them out on it and ask them to be specific. Walk them through the thinking process of why you think a particular course of action makes more sense compared to others. Most importantly, ask why it matters in the grand scheme of your argument or proposal. Just as they innocently sowed seeds of doubt, you can also innocently ask their opinion here. When you call them out as to why they doubt, they will be put on the defense. They’ll have to justify their irrelevant argument and sound intelligent at the same time. There is no funnier sight that someone desperately trying to justify an argument that has zero basis while attempting to sound
smart. Since arguments are based on facts and logic can be applied to those facts, calling out their doubts and asking them to explain is a winning strategy. Nine times out of 10, these people are just going to draw a blank. Sowing the seeds of doubt is designed to simply trip you up. But it’s a very easy path to instead tripping them up and calling out the absurdity of their reductionist arguments. They truly are grasping at straws.
Chapter 17. Argument tactic: Clarifying questions. Sometimes you just come across people whose primary goal seems to be engaging and arguing with you. There’s no rhyme or reason, as some people just get their buttons pushed by the sight of your face. Whatever you say, they’ll have a sarcastic retort for. There’s no avoiding that they are going to try to pick your statements apart. When you encounter someone like this, your best defense is to overwhelm them with clarifying questions. When a person challenges something you say, they are almost always making an assertion. Um, I really doubt that what you said about Canada is true. When someone makes an assertion, it is often put forth as a fact. So if it’s a fact, then where is the proof and backup for it? This is where your clarifying questions come into play.
Since they are asserting something as a fact, they must bear the burden of proving themselves correct. Clarify exactly why they think they are correct, and what evidence there is. Get them to clarify their position against your position. What makes them think they are right and you are wrong? Oh, can you tell me why it’s wrong? Where did you read that? And what year was that study published? Is that author actually legitimate? So why do you think that contradicts what I said? What part exactly said it, and what did it say? So why am I wrong? Where is the flaw in my logic? Done correctly, you essentially back the other person into a verbal corner and force them to admit their lack of knowledge. Well, I don’t really remember… That’s not my point… Yeah, that’s true too… Many people adopt a smug look when they judge other people’s positions. They throw all sorts of labels around, such as inaccurate, wrong, insane, exaggerated, or ignorant. They are well within their rights to do so. But you are within your rights to shift the burden of proof back to them with clarifying questions. Usually their smug look fades away quite quickly. They claim that your proposition is wrong? Have them
explain why they think it's wrong, in detail, with evidence. You're taking shots but you're not directly fighting back at your opponent. Best of all, if you phrase it innocently, you’re just wondering about their stance. Give them the task of rationalizing their objection so you can answer it point by point. This actually turns out beneficial for you, as you get chances to clarify your position further. Arguments are not necessarily bad. If approached correctly, they highlight to people that you are intelligent and that you know how to make intellectual connections. You are given an opportunity to prove yourself in a mature way when you’re challenged. You'd be blowing that opportunity if you fail to realize that you don’t need to carry the burden of proof all by your lonesome self. When people attack you without any justification or evidence, they are acting emotionally. People who are weak thinkers often speak with their emotions. They blurb out their discontent and unhappiness first, and logic follows if at all. They can't tell you their reasons. They just feel that way, and that doesn't help anyone. You’re bringing an element of logic, and it actually makes you appear more mature and intelligent by handling it thusly. Always use the opportunity to ask clarifying questions. Those who cannot back up their challenge will end up with egg on their face.
Chapter 18. Argument tactic: Beat the strawman. This might be an argument tactic that you’re familiar with, or have possibly even used before. It’s called the strawman argument, and the strawman finds flaws in arguments by oversimplifying it, taking it to the extreme, and attacking that version. So it’s actually not even attacking the actual argument put forth, just a disguised version that is superficially similar. It misrepresents the argument and inevitably makes it impossible. Allow me to illustrate. I think we should ban guns in our country. So you want to get rid of knives, defense classes, and any way possible for people to defend themselves? That will just make it worse! The second person completely twisted the first person’s words and make an argument against something completely unrelated. That’s the origin of the strawman – another opponent or argument is created, but they are
illusory and thus made of straw. Fake. Conjured. Easily blown away. The reason that the second speaker makes this argument is twofold. He doesn’t understand the real argument, and thus doesn’t have a reason to oppose it. Sensing this, he makes an argument that he can easily refute, and hopes that the first speaker doesn’t quite notice the difference. The strawman puts words in the other person’s mouth, and ridicules those words. Here’s another illustration of how the strawman can work. Instead of directly misrepresenting a position, you can simply add an addendum to their statement that does so. I support banning guns in this country. Oh, so you are kind of like Stalin then. I see. You know of course, that they are not a supporter of Stalin and fascism. Stalin and fascism aren’t even remotely related to the topic of banning guns. But they put those words in your mouth to try to discredit you and make you an easy target. Your view has been distorted into something that is universally negative and looked down upon. Most people will find Stalin and fascism offensive, but that’s not the issue. Of course this is an emotional argument by them, and clearly not grounded in logic. It’s a very flimsy strawman, so it’s up to you to see through it and call it out for what it is.
Fortunately for you, the strawman argument is usually relatively transparent and easy to defeat. When you’re not sure if you’re faced with it, simply ask yourself the following question: What was the point I was making? Is the end conclusion actually what the alleged strawman is saying? It’s likely not, so you can call it out as manipulative, putting words in your mouth, and misrepresentation. More importantly, you can make it known that they are resorting to the strawman because they can’t argue on your level. The strawman is frustrating because it is so commonplace. Just log onto Facebook and you’ll see it in many forms. Remember, someone has the sole purpose of making you look bad when they use it. They are purposefully lying and misrepresenting your position so that they can smash you down. They’re not addressing the argument at that point, they are addressing you personally. Don’t be afraid to take offense and call it out.
Conclusion For many years, Kyle was such a big thorn in my side that I would get anxiety about going out sometimes. You can be prepared for war, but no matter how prepared, it doesn’t mean you look forward to eventual clashes… especially of a personal nature. But in many ways, learning to deal with someone like that was highly beneficial. We were forced into interaction with our friends, but that wasn’t mandatory. What if you faced a supervisor, co-‐worker, or mother-‐in-‐law like this? How can you go about making them more than tolerable, and actually rally them to your side as a friend? More importantly, how can you diffuse situations, defend yourself, and seize the respect that everyone deserves? It’s a lot of little things, and I hope I’ve taught you at least a few of them in this book. I wouldn’t say Kyle and I aren’t the best of friends at this point in our lives, but that’s not really the point or end goal. Previously, I was staring at a shut door every single day, and
the door was made of titanium and adamantium. It wasn’t something I could just force myself through. Conversation tactics were the lock picks I used to pry the door open and allow the possibility of friendship and connection. An Sometimes that’s all you can ask for, an opportunity, and that’s not a bad thing! Even Tom Hanks (or whoever your favorite movie star is) has his detractors, and our best is all we can aspire to be. Sincerely, Patrick King The Social Interaction Specialist www.PatrickKingConsulting.com P.S. If you enjoyed this book, please don’t be shy and drop me a line, leave a review, or both! I love reading feedback, and reviews are the lifeblood of Kindle books, so they are always welcome and greatly appreciated. Other books by Patrick King include: CHATTER: Small Talk, Charisma, and How to Talk to Anyone MAGNETIC: How to Impress, Connect, and Influence The Science of Likability: Charm, Wit, Humor, and the 16 Studies That Show You How To Master Them
Cheat Sheet Chapter 1. How to take compliments gracefully. Most people don’t know how to accept direct praise and compliments, and do so in uncomfortable ways. The best way to accept a compliment is to compliment it, or compliment the complimenter. Chapter 2. Capitalize on conversational high points. Every conversation has a high point by default. Take note of it, and think of ways you can integrate it into your current topic of conversation to spike the energy level, get a big laugh, and come off as witty and clever. Chapter 3. Interrupting is your secret weapon. Interrupting artfully can have the opposite effect of normal interruptions – they can make people bond with you and feel more deeply connected. Chapter 4. Speak their language.
Try to learn about where someone is coming from and meet them on their level. Speak their language and find their comfort zone so that you can instantly position yourself as familiar and similar. Chapter 5. How to impart respect. Respect is not always deserved, but always expected. The best way to always impart respect is to never make requests, and make sure that there is a legitimate reason, which takes the focus off an imposition. Chapter 6. Observe the two-‐second rule. People like to feel heard and validated. Even if you are listening, your conversation partner won’t feel heard and validated if you speak right after they finish. It just seems disingenuous, so pause for two seconds after they speak sometimes to give the impression or acknowledgment and rumination. Chapter 7. The best way to warm up to conversation. A conversation is a race and your social and conversation skills are the muscles. You must warm them up for optimal performance, and the best way to do this is by reading an excerpt out loud and highly exaggerating every emotion and voice. Chapter 8. Rehearse only your conversational bookends. Many people head into conversations relying heavily on
scripts and notes. This hamstrings the potential of a conversation and makes you robotic in nature. Only the introduction and conclusion of a conversation should be rehearsed, and everything else should only adhere to loose notes. Chapter 9. How to deflect and roll with the punches. Everyone will get made fun of at some point, and to many, it’s a positive sign of friendship and acceptance. The best way to deal with a joke at your expense is to exaggerate it to the 10th degree and show that you can make a joke out of the joke. Chapter 10. Celebrate people’s idiosyncrasies. Everyone feels that they are special on some level, but it’s usually in a way that is difficult to show. When you point out someone’s idiosyncrasy, usually related to their feeling of uniqueness, they will love you for it and proclaim you to be observant and astute. Chapter 11. Humor is just a slight spin away. Observational humor depends on looking at something normal in an everyday context, and then looking at it through a different lens. Chapter 12. 2:1 Questions:Interjections. Continually getting people to talk about themselves is unsustainable, and more importantly, kind of boring. To
make sure that both sides are adequately engaged, try to adhere to a 2:1 ratio of questions asked:your own personal stories. Chapter 13. Never laugh first. Many people laugh at their own jokes without realizing how damaging that can be to your social awareness. If you never laugh first, and always observe others to see how your jokes are received, you will gain a far greater sense of self and sense of humor. Chapter 14. Pass on the ad hominem. Ad hominem attacks are when people make a personal attack that is entirely unrelated to the argument at hand. The hope is to deflect attention from their lack of knowledge of the true argument and cause an emotional reaction to distract. Chapter 15. Argument tactic: Appeal to perfection. An appeal to perfection is an argument tactic that creates a technical-‐yet-‐useless victory for the user. It draws the conclusion that a solution or argument is unsound simply because it does not solve every single problem. Chapter 16. Argument tactic: Sowing seeds of doubt. Sowing seeds of doubt is an argument tactic that can appear innocent, but is actually an attempt to undermine your knowledge. It is when someone latches onto a small (and often irrelevant) aspect of an argument or solution and
expands it to imply that the entire argument is invalid. Chapter 17. Argument tactic: Clarifying questions. Clarifying questions is an argument tactic that you can use to defeat others. When people draw negative conclusions about your argument, it’s easy to simply ask them for their specific reasons and clarifications as to why they drew those conclusions. Evidence is king, and they will often have none. Chapter 18. Argument tactic: Beat the strawman. A strawman is termed for the illusory and overall fake nature of the argument that is created. A strawman draws a conclusion from an argument that is actually an entirely different conclusion, so your argument is grossly misrepresented.
