HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY FOR CAE
The main purpose of an essay in the Cambridge English: Advanced (CAE) Writing paper is to underline relevant salient issues on a topic, and to support an argument with subsidiary points and reasons. In the essay question, you are given a topic and three bullet points. A set of notes/opinions is also provided. You can make use of them, but you should use your own words as far as possible. You are asked to write an essay discussing two bullet points and explaining why one of them is more important in a given respect. Factors contributing to the increase
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
in international travel
· It’s quicker to fly abroad than to take a train to the north of my country · Methods of transport · My company has offices in 12 different countries
· Global business · People have developed a love of other cultures through TV and film
· Media
Essay structure
INTRODUCTION
POINT 1
POINT 2
CONCLUSION
Introduction: Give brief outline of the topic. Introduce the topic from general to concrete. You may want to discuss why the topic is important in today’s society;
analyse where the problem stems from by providing some historical background; or reflect on the state of affairs by posing a rhetorical question on the topic. Do not state your own opinion in this paragraph, but develop your essay in such a way that it guides the reader to the conclusion you draw Points 1 and 2: Start the paragraph with a topic sentence. A topic sentence essentially tells readers what the rest of the paragraph is about.
Include examples, conclusive and surprising facts to support your argument. Feel free to include drawbacks when presenting the facts, as it will show that you are aware of all possible issues. Conclusion: When developing the conclusion paragraph, go from the specific to
the general. Remember not to include i nclude any new arguments here and make sure your conclusion follows logically from your arguments. A solid conclusion should stress the importance of the thesis statement, so feel free to state your opinion on the basis of what you have written in the previous paragraphs. Give the essay a sense of completeness: Echoing your introduction can be a good strategy if it is meant to bring the reader full-circle. If you begin by describing a scenario, you can end with the same scenario as proof that your essay was helpful in providing a new insight into the issue. Aim to leave a final impression on the reader. You may want to look to the future and reflect on the consequences of a given action / attitude / behaviour / way of thinking etc. Conditional constructions are useful when it comes to getting these ideas across.
Marking criteria and tips
The writing assessment scale is divided into four subscales. 1- Content focuses on how well the candidate has fulfilled the task; in other words, if they have done what they were asked to do. You will get full marks if you give a proper outline of the topic, contrast both bullet points and reach a conclusion as to which point is more important. 2- Communicative achievement focuses on how appropriate the writing is for the situation and whether the candidate has used the appropriate register. You will get top marks if you write in a formal style, get to hold your reader’s attention, convey complex ideas effectively when explaining and justifying. 3- Organisation focuses on the way the piece of writing was put together; in other words, if i t is logical and ordered, and the punctuation is correct. You will get top marks if you write four paragraphs, organise your ideas neatly, use linking devices and provide your text with progressivity. 4- Language focuses on the candidate’s vocabulary and grammar. This includes the range of language as well as how accurate it is. You will get top marks if you use a topic specific vocabulary, collocations, a wide range of grammatical constructions and you choose your words accurately. Remember that the register used in essays is formal and this should be reflected in your choice of linguistic devices when developing your ideas.
How to do the paper Before writing
· Spend around 10 minutes thinking about and planning your writing. Your answers should be well-organised with clear linking of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. In the exam, you wo n’t probably have enough time to write a rough answer and a final, neat copy, but if you plan properly this will not be necessary. · Process all the information before you choose which two points you want to write about and decide what your conclusion will be. Make sure you have enough ideas to write about the points you choose and that you can think of reasons for your opinions. · Remember to use an appropriate style. Make your argument as i nteresting as persuasive as possible, but do not show emotion in your writing. After writing
· Make sure your answer is neither too long nor too short. If you write too much, you may include irrelevant information, which may mean that you don’t cover the required points adequately and, thus, have a negative effect on the target reader · Leave enough time to read through your answer. You should check that you included all the points necessary to answer the question and that you have given enough detail on each point. Make sure you have included all the language functions required in the task. You should also check for mistakes in grammar and spelling (you can use British or American spelling, but do not mix them up)
Useful vocabulary
Expressing an opinion · It is probably true to say that…
Referring to sources
· There can be no doubt that…
· All the evidence suggests that…
· It is simply not the case that…
· A recent study/survey proved that….
· It is worth pointing out that…
· Recent research has found that…
· It is doubtful that… · It would be infinitely preferable to…
Describing causes
· It goes without saying that …. could play a signif icant role…
· One factor which has led to … is…
· We must take into account the fact that…
· One of the factors which has brought this about is … · The problem often stems from … · The situation has been exacerbated by…
Commonly held views · It is widely believed that… · It is generally agreed that… · There are those who argue that… · It has recently been suggested that…
· … has only made the situation worse · … has contributed enormously to… · This means that… · This is largely due to… · …has resulted in …
· Few people would contest the fact that… · It is often claimed that… · No one would dispute the fact that… · Opponents / supporters / proponents of _ argue that… · According to X, …
Proposing steps and measures · As regards the most appropriate response to this situation, one suggestion would be to… · The first step to be taken would be to … · To alleviate the situation people should … · To begin to tackle this situation, … needs to…
Introducing a phenomenon · More and more families are choosing to have only one child · Over the past few years, the media have frequently carried reports of… · Recent research indicates that… is increasing · Hardly a week goes by without another report of … appearing in the media · This raises the issue of whether… · Although most people would agree that …, few would deny that … · _ is often a hotly-debated topic that often divides opinion
· … would certainly ameliorate the situation · This can only be dealt with if … · To overcome this problem, … · Were the government to…, the situation would doubtlessly improve · Individuals can do a great deal to … · The burden of responsibility lies in the hands of… · Legislation should be introduced to control…
Concluding · All in all it seems to me that …
Grammar that will impress
· The obvious conclusion to be drawn is that…
Inversion
· All things considered / All in all, …
Only when famine affects developed countries will
· On balance, I tend to believe that … · The world would surely be a better place to live in if · If people stopped …, we could look forward to a … · The prospects for the future will be bleak/grim unless… · Despite all the arguments, I still feel that… · Having weighed up the pros and cons of… · The advantages outweigh the disadvantages Looking at both sides of a topic · Advantages and disadvantages
· Pros and cons · Strengths and weaknesses · Assets and liabilities · Gains and losses · Opportunities and obstacles
world governments begin to act
Cleft sentences It is … that has had the most significant influence on this What has had the most significant influence on this is…
Conditionals with inversion Had the people not been fully aware of this, the situation would have been much worse.
Participle phrases Given the choice, most people would probably choose good health over good fortune
Double comparatives The richer one grows, the greater one’s worries. Recently, people are finding more and more time to spend with their families.
Your class has recently watched a television documentary on ways for governments to reduce traf fic congestion. You have made the notes below: Ways for government to reduce traffic congestion
· Public transport · Road building · Legislation
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· Maybe people would use buses if there were more of t hem · We need fewer cars on the road, not more · There should be limits on where and when you can drive
Tackling traffic congestion: what should be done? Give a title to your essay
Describe briefly the previous and current state o a airs
Each paragraph discusses one bullet point.
Relatively formal register with impersonal language in general.
At the beginning of the 20th century, a car was a luxury that many could not afford, but since then, the number of vehicles on the streets of industrialized countries has soared. The simple fact is that most urban areas were never designed to cope with such high levels of traffic. It seems ironic that as car ownership has increased, the quality of life for people living in cities has, in some ways, diminished. Traffic congestion creates stress, pollution and many types of health problem. It is an issue that governments must address. One approach that policy-makers could take is to introduce more legislation regulating the use of private vehicles. In certain countries, for example, drivers are required to pay a toll once they cross the boundary of the city centre. In some cases, car drivers are also restricted to using one lane only, leaving the other lanes for buses or taxis. Unfortunately, there is evidence that neither of these measures has reduced traffic to any significant extent. An alternative approach would be to make public transport more attractive to potential passengers. According to a recent online poll, it is inconvenience rather than cost which deters people from using buses. Local authorities would therefore need to provide a much wider range of bus routes, and run far more frequent services.
Reasons why the problem should be tackled
Note the contrast between the two approaches which are suggested. The irst one is hopeless and inefficient, the second one is hopeful and efficient
In conclusion, an improved public transport system would certainly require considerable financial investment, but in the long term, it might be a cheaper option than borrowing money to fund new road-building projects. This is the strategy that I would recommend governments adopt. Clear indication of which approach is more important
Your class has attended a panel discussion on what methods the government should use to encourage people to buy products produced in your region or country. You have made the notes below Methods government could use to encourage consumption of local products
· Advertising campaigns · Education
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· People are not aware of what is produced locally and what comes from outside · Local products are often among the most expensive. They should be cheaper · The producers won’t use the subsidies properly
· Economic subsidies
Promoting locally produced goods
Don’t state your opinion in the first paragraph.
Do use rhetorical questions to involve the reader. But don’t overdo it
Do use a relatively ormal register and an objective tone. Don’t be too emotional
Members of the local business community often complain about the lack of support for locally produced goods. The public’s indifference to local products is both the result of a lack of awareness and the huge variety of imported goods available. There is clearly scope for the government to do something about this situation. In this essay I will discuss two possible approaches that could be taken. The first of these is a public service advertising campaign. This would alert people to the many benefits of buying local goods. The campaign could be supported by labelling products as locally made. While this would almost certainly lead to a greater level of awareness of the advantages of buying locally, more could still be done to make local goods more competitive in terms of price.
Do state the problem at the beginning of your essay
Do maintain a balanced view. Don’t be too categorical
A second tactic could be to offer subsidies so that goods can be sold more cheaply. There are some drawbacks to this approach, however. Where, for example, is the guarantee that the producers would use this funding appropriately? This i ssue can be addressed by introducing a system of quality control. The public could thus rest assured that the local products offer good value for money. In my view, advertising and subsiding local products must go hand in hand. Once awareness has been raised, community spirit might well lead people to choose local products. If, into the bargain, they see that they are superior in terms of quality and price, there will be far less temptation to buy products from abroad
Do give your opinion in the inal paragraph
You have watched a television discussion about methods governments could adopt to encourage people to take more exercise. You have made the notes below. How can governments encourage people to take more exercise?
· Better education · Free facilities
Some opinions expressed in the discussion: · People already know the benefits of exercise, but don’t do enough about it · Many forms of exercise are free · Employers would benefit from a healthier workforce
· Exercise time at work
MODEL ANSWER It is generally accepted that people today take insufficient exercise. This, combined with a poor diet, can lead to ill health and a poor quality of life. In view of this, it has been suggested that governments should act to encourage more exercise. I shall consider two of the proposed methods. Probably the most important action governments could take would be to introduce an education programme into all schools. In addition to publicising the benefits of exercise, this would make exercise a compulsory part of the school curriculum and get young people used to following an exercise regime. In my view, however, for this to be truly successful, there should be a corresponding programme aimed at adults. If parents took part in an exercise programme put on by the school, they would be supporting what their children were being taught. It has been suggested that if exercise facili ties were free, there would be an increased public take-up. In theory, this seems an excellent way of encouraging adults to exercise, but in practice I am doubtful. It is based on the assumption that exercise depends on money, whereas in fact walking and cycling, two very effective ways of keeping fit, are free and can be fitted conveniently into
You have just listened to a local radio discussion programme about ways in which your town could be improved. You have made the notes below. Which facilities should the town council support if they are to improve our town?
Some opinions expressed in the discussion: · Not everyone likes theatre, ballet or opera
· Cultural venues
· Shops are crucial if we are going to bring prosperity to the town
· Shopping centres
· Keeping fit should be a top priority for everyone
· Sports clubs
MODEL ANSWER Our town used to be a thriving place but over the past decade it has become very run down. It is therefore important that we think carefully about how to prioritise any planned improvements. Do use linkers to make your writing flow
Do use advanced grammar constructions
Do use advanced vocabulary
One of the major problems in the town is our lack of good sports amenities. The present gymnasium is very small and the equipment is out of date and very unreliable. As I am sure most people would agree, fitness plays an essential role in the health and happiness of all the inhabitants of our town and that is why I believe it should be our top priority. Of almost equal importance is the need for adequate cultural venues in our town. Although the town boasts a well-established theatre, a new art gallery or cultural centre would make a significant contribution to the educational opportunities available to local people, as well as offering another place of entertainment and recreation. Nevertheless, it is likely fewer people will take advantage of these facilities than will use the sports club and for that reason I believe they should take second place. To sum up, to enhance our town we eventually need both the new sports facilities and the cultural venues. Given the need to prioritise, however, it seems clear that sport should come first. Having attended to that area, we can later turn our minds to the cultural venues we so desperately need.
Following a class discussion on how technology has affected the way we live today, you have made the notes below. Which aspect of our daily lives has been affected most by technology?
· Communication · Relationships
Some opinions expressed in the discussion: · It’s great to be able to communicate with people 24 hours a day · It’s so hard to make personal relationships – everyone’s online all the time · People have an easier working life because they can work from home
· Working life
MODEL ANSWER
Introduce the topic in general terms
Support your ideas with examples
Show that you appreciate other points of view as it strengthens your argument
Technology is such a feature of everyday life that it is difficult to remember what we did without it. It impacts on almost every aspect of our daily lives. But where has technology’s greatest impact been? Firstly, technology has affected the way we make relationships and our expectations of them. It is increasingly common to find people with more friends on the internet than in real life, and they spend more time chatting to cyber friends than they do to real world friends. Although feeling part of a wider community like this can be positive, it could also have a negative effect on people’s ability to relate to others on a personal level. In turn, this could make it hard not only to establish relationships initially but to maintain them. The impact of this development on society is clearly enormous.
Use rhetorical questions to engage the reader and lead in to the discussion
Do use topic sentences at the beginning of your paragraphs
Another area in which technology has aff ected people’s lives is in the workplace. Sitting in open-plan offices working at computer screens creates an unsatisfying and unsupportive environment. On the plus side, technology also enables people to work from home, which can lead to a healthier work/life balance. Of course, people may also find this difficult as it can lead to isolation. To sum up, it appears that the impact of technology has been greatest on the way we form relationships, because this affects people emotionally as well as practically. However, given that it is impossible to return to a world without technology, we must accept its increasing impact on our lives in as many areas as we can.
Make sure your conclusion follows from your arguments clearly
Your class has watched a round-table discussion about what young people can learn from older generations. You have made the notes below
Areas where young people could learn from older generations
· Work · Relationships · Money
Some opinions expressed in the discussion: · People with work experience can tell you what the job you’re considering is really like · Older people can give wise advice when you have a problem with a friend · It’s hard to manage your money when you start living independently
MODEL ANSWER
Restating the subject is an easy strategy to follow
Topic sentence
Topic sentence
It goes without saying that there are many ways in which young people can learn from the older generation. In both their work and their private lives, youngsters can benefit from the experience of their elders. As far as work is concerned, the older generation can explain how young people can achieve the career they dream of. For example, they can recommend what to focus on in order to acquire the skills that will give them the best chance of success. They may also be able to give invaluable pointers as to which companies they would advise either applying to or, conversely, not applying to. It may even be the case that the older person will be able to use their own contac ts to help the younger one to find a position.
Three ways older people can help young people as far as work in concerned
Older people may also be able to use the benefit of their own life experience to help young people with relationships advice. It can happen that older people wish they had acted differently in their own relationships and so they may wish to encourage youngsters to avoid similar mistakes. If young people are prepared to listen to this kind of advice it may well prove useful for them.
Using advanced grammar will help you express your ideas e ectivel
Of the two areas of life discussed above, I think young people can learn most from older generations in the field of work. After all, no relationships is the same and so what might be right in one situation might not in another. Advice relating to careers is more likely to be relevant to a variety of differing contexts.
Clear indication of which approach is more important
Your class has listened to a radio discussion about how to help peo ple live healthier lives. You have made the notes below: Measures to help people to live healthier lives
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· Education
· People need to know about the benefits of exercise and healthy diet
· Legislation
· There should be laws that totally ban unhealthy habits like smoking
· Facilities
· The government needs to sponsor facilities to make them affordable for everyone
MODEL ANSWER
The paragraph broadens the scope of the subject by linking health to happiness and benefits to society
Rhetorical question to introduce the paragraph
The topic sentence here links the third paragraph to the previous one
Make your opinion clear as to which measure is better
It goes without saying that good health is of benefit both to individuals and to the society in which they live. It is easier for healthy people to be happy, and they are also usually able to contribute more to the life of their community. But what can be done to encourage people to live healthy lifestyles? Clearly education has a very important role to play. This starts at primary school when the young child can learn about the value of exercise and a healthy diet. However, education should not only be aimed at schoolchildren. Adults, too, need to continue to be reminded about the importance of being active and eating nutritious food, through, for example, TV documentaries and newspaper or magazine articles. Education alone, however, is not enough. People need to have easy access to facilities which will enable them to exercise in an enjoyable way. There should be a nationwide network of sports centres, offering a range of classes and activities to suit all tastes and abilities. If attractive opportunities are not available, people are all too likely to slip into bad habits. Of the two measures outlined above, education is the more effective one. It is more far-reaching in that it relates to all aspects of living healthily. Moreover, it is, after all, through education that a person will learn why it is better to go to an exercise class than to lie on a couch in front of the television.
Try to consider more than one possibility. Education doesn’t have to be related only to children
Think about the consequences of not taking the right measures
Your class has listened to a panel discussion about the benefits to a country of people gaining experience of life abroad. You have made the notes below Benefits to a country of people spending time abroad
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· Business
· People who’ve spent time abroad are then well equipped to conduct
· Culture · Understanding
business with different countries · It teaches people about different traditions in local cultures · People become aware that there are other ways of looking at the world
MODEL ANSWER When people spend time abroad, it is clearly an enriching experience for them as individuals, but the fact that they have gained this experience also brings benefits to the society in which they live. Firstly, there are advantages for business. If people have spent time living in another country, they will have acquired some knowledge of the language of that country. They may not have become fluent, but they will almost certainly be able to communicate in that language. They will also have learnt about the mentality and customs of the society in question and this, along with their language skills, will stand them in very good stead when it comes to doing business with that country. Secondly, there are cultural advantages. People who have lived abroad will have experienced the cultural life of a country different from their own. They will have listened to new kinds of music and seen fresh approaches to painting and other visual arts. If they are artistic themselves, this will have a very positive impact on their own creativity, which in tum will bring benefits to their own society as well as to them as individuals. Of the two benefits to society of foreign travel which have been discussed above, the more significant is, in my opinion, the business one. Successful business between countries has all sorts of positive consequences, from increased employment opportunities to better working conditions for staff. The travel experience of employees is only one small factor contributing to business success, but it certainly plays a not insignificant part in this.
Your class has listened to a radio discussion about how important it is to keep up-to-date with aspects of culture and current affairs. You have made the notes below: Some opinions expressed in the discussion: Aspects of culture and current affairs where people like to keep up-to-date
· News
· Being well-informed about what’s going on in the world may help us to avoid problems in the future · Fashionable clothes make people look more interesting – and
· Fashion
they don’t need to be expensive
· The arts
· Knowing about the latest books and films gives you lots of interesting things to talk about
MODEL ANSWER
It is generally accepted that it is a good thing for people to keep themselves informed about what is happening in the world, to be up-to-date with current events and trends. But which aspects of life is it most important to know about? Firstly, people need to know about the news. They need to know about the main social and political issues facing not only their own country but also others. It is part of a person's important general knowledge to have an understanding of the situation in different places around the world. This will mean reading more than one newspaper on a regular basis, as well as watching the news and documentaries about social issues on television. Secondly, it is important to keep up-to-date with the arts. We should all know what is going on in the worlds of music, theatre, books and art. I do not mean that this should include only highbrow culture. I believe that we should all also know about popular singers and writers. Our aim should be to become fully rounded and wellinformed citizens. Of the two aspects of life discussed above, the more important one is, in my opinion, that of current affairs. Both aspects of life are undoubtedly important, but ultimately social and political issues are likely to have a more far-reaching impact on our lives than the arts, and so it is vital that we keep up-to-date with the news.
Your class has listened to a radio discussion about the advantages of being self-employed rather than working for someone else. You have made the notes below: Advantages of being self-employed
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· Time
· You don’t have to work from nine to five every day
· Decision making
· You’re in charge of the decisions that affect what you do
· Money
· If you work hard, you make money for yourself, not someone else
MODEL ANSWER
It seems that increasing numbers of people are choosing these days to leave their regular salaried job in order to become selfemployed. But why do people choose to do so? What are the advantages of this way of life? Firstly, perhaps the main attraction of being self-employed is that it leaves you in control of your own schedule. If you prefer to work late at night so that you can take the following day off to go to a concert at your child's school, then you can do so. You don't have to ask anyone's permission to leave the office whenever you wish. A second major advantage of working for yourself is that you are in charge of all decisions connected with your business. When you're employed by someone else, you have to do what they wish, regardless of whether you feel it is the best course of action or not. To be in control of how you work is something that makes the self-employed lifestyle very attractive for many people. Of the two advantages of being self-employed discussed above, the more significant one is the fact that you are in charge of your own timetable. To be able to spend time with friends and family when you wish to is worth sacrificing the regular monthly pay cheque for. As long as you can earn enough for your requirements, then you c an enjoy the extra flexibility that self-employment allows far more than you would a bit of extra money in the bank.
Your class has watched a television debate about what should be done to ensure that natural resources, such as water and oil, are not wasted. You have made the notes below: Some opinions expressed in the discussion: Ways to ensure natural resources are not wasted · The best method would be to make wasting natural resources a criminal
· Laws
offence”
· Media
· Newspapers and TV can have a very powerful impact on people’s
· Industry
behaviour · Companies should take the lead by avoiding unnecessary packaging
MODEL ANSWER
Natural resources are, on the whole, finite, and it is important to make sure that we do not waste them. For the sake of future generations, we must use them wisely. But how can we ensure that we do this? Unfortunately perhaps, the most successful method is undoubtedly to make the wasteful use of resources a criminal offence. Some countries already fine citizens who put recyclable waste into bins intended for landfill sites, and such legislation should be used more widely. Companies, in particular, should be prosecuted if they do not have a responsible attitude towards scarce resources. Secondly, the media should take a much more active role in encouraging people to use resources well. Resources are often wasted because the public do not appreciate how scarce they are or how serious the implications of their overuse are for our descendants. So there need to be regular stories in the papers or documentaries on television presenting not only information abo ut how wastefulness is endangering the future but also examples of good practice. In this way, people will be given the information that they need in order to make a difference themselves. Of the two ways of encouraging appropriate resource use discussed above, the more effective is, in my opinion, the legislative approach. Media campaigns have a very important role to play but, human nature being what it is, making wasteful use of scarce resources illegal is more likely to have an effect than simply educating the public through the media.
Which charities should receive funding from the government?
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· Sports & Recreation Charities
· We should not spend money on sport but on health
· Health Charities
· Cancer charities have helped lots of people and need our support
· Human Rights Charities
· Human rights issues should be addressed
Everywhere we turn, nowadays we see charities beseeching the public for money. Whether in the many 'begging letters' that pop unsolicited though our mailboxes daily, or in the televised appeals for chariti es, headed by celebrities trying to tug at our heart-strings… but the question is, which charities deserve to be funded and which should be given priority in government funding? Are sports and recreation charities more worthy a cause for example, than health charities? This is a major dilemma that is by no means a clear-cut issue. Let's take sports and recreation charities compared to health charities as a case in point. The former have a valid claim to government funding. Sport and recreation help reduce stress, and keep people fit, positive and healthy. In addition, sports and recreation centres also provide a community focal point, enriching the lives of many. However, what good is recreation and sport if you are too unwell to participate? There is a much stronger argument, that health is a far greater priority than sport and recreation. Furthermore, an increasingly aged population is becoming a heavy burden on healthcare, necessitating greater funding for charities as the prevalence of Alzheimer's and cancer increase proportionally with an ageing population. Many now are reliant on support from health charities. We have an obligation to fund these charities, in return. I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater priority. After all, what good are health and recreation centres if we don’t have enough hospitals for people who are suffering? Without doubt, government funding must be directed first and foremost to health charities. Subscale Content 5
Commentary
The essay clearly examines two of the points of debate, first setting out the general dilemma of government funding with regard to charities in the introduction, before proceeding to debate the relative merits of two given charities and the validity of their claim to government funding in the subsequent paragraphs. The reader is left in no doubt a s to the writer's belief, as to which charity is the more deserving of go vernment funding, due to the clear analysis of why health charities are the more deserving cause, in paragraphs 3 and 4, '.. what good is recreation and sport if you are too unwell to participate? ' - (para 3) 'An increasingly aged population is becoming a heavy burden on healthcare,' (para 4), and the strong conclusion, voicing a personal opinion 'I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater priority .' Comm. Achiev Although personal opinions are voiced, the r egister is appropriately formal throughout and the arguments for specific funding of certain charities are being presented in a n eutral tone: e.g ‘This is a major dilemma that is by no means a 5 clear-cut issue (paragraph 1)...’ 'There is a much stronger argument,..’ (paragraph 3). The use of rhetorical questions, also engages the reader, helping them follow the writer's line of argument: e.g '... but the question is, which charities deserve to be funded and which should be given priority in government funding? (paragraph 1). The writer's belief in health charities being more worthy of government funding, compared to sport and recreation charities, is clearly laid out in paragraph 3: '... what good is recreation and sport if you a re too unwell to participate? ' and paragraph 4: ‘... an increasingly aged population is becoming a heavy burden on healthcare, necessitating greater funding for charities,' and reinforced in the conclusion: 'I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater priority.' The essential dilemma of government funding of various charities is clearly stated in the i ntroduction: '..the question Organisation is, which charities deserve to be funded and which should be given priority in government funding? ' before proceeding 5 to analyse the relative merits of two charities for government funding: 'Let's take sports and recreation charities compared to health charities as a case in point .' The merits of funding sport and recreation chariti es are then analysed in paragraph 2 before the writer launches into their opinion in the following paragraph as to why health charities are more deserving of funding, developing the argument in the subsequent paragraph. Arguments are clearly marked with signposts such as 'however.. furthermore..' guiding the reader through the writer's viewpoint. The conclusion clearly states the writer's opinion, 'I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater priority ,' and proposes appropriate action,'. Without doubt, government funding must be d irected first and foremost to health charities. There is ample evidence throughout of a sophisticated level of vocabulary: e.g 'beseeching' and 'unsolicited' as well Language as in phrases used, e.g 'tug at our heart-strings' . The use of rhetorical questions to engage the reader shows an 4 advanced command of language. Overall, the language is formal and neutral in tone, but the writer also offers their personal opinion 'I believe that ..' and uses informal devices, e. g. 'Let's take sports and recreation charities.. ', so the essay is lively and engaging.
Which charities should receive funding from the government?
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
· Sports & Recreation Charities
· We should not spend money on sport but on health
· Health Charities
· Cancer charities have helped lots of people and need our support
· Human Rights Charities
· Human rights issues should be addressed
Sport and recreation charities and health charities are both too importance. So we have to be choosing one. The government must to decide and the problem is which, then? So let's think about sports and recreation charities first. Well I'm do ing a lot of sport and recreation and I reckon it's a good thing. But do you think the government should pay for these charities? OK, I'm doing a lot of sport but not everyone is like me. There's loads o f people who think therefore that the government shouldn't spend money on this kind of charity. Let's now look at health charities, then. I think that these should be given lots of more money than sport and recreation charities. There are too many old folks today in the population so they are needing a lot of healthcare and so on. They are depending on health charities. I reckon this is going to get worst as the population is getting older. And that's another thing… with so many older folks around whose going to want sports facilities - so that's a waste also spending money on sport and recreation charities. Then there's the fact that everyone gets ill sometime-don't they? So people like you and me are going to be wanting to use facilities funded by health charities. There are loads of illnesses being caused by ageing so when we too get ol d we will need help. In conclusion, I belief that money should be spent on health charities. Sports and recreation just are not so important are they? Subscale Content 3
Comm. Achiev 2
Organisation 2
Language 1
Commentary The content is relevant to the task but the writer’s ideas are not expressed in an organised way. The dilemma of government funding with regard to two of the given charities is addressed in the introduction, although the overall dilemma of charity funding is not. The discussion is then developed in the following paragraphs, referring first to sport and recreational charities in paragraph 2 and then developing an argument favouring the funding of health charities in the following 2 paragraphs. However, the validity of funding sport and recreation is only being briefly touched upon and then only with regard to sport and not recreation, in itself. Paragraph 4 abruptly reintroduces another argument against sport and recreation funding, repeating some of the ideas of the previous paragraph. The register is far too informal, the reader being frequently addressed directly by the writer: 'So let's think about ... ' or 'do you think the government should ...'. There is also an overuse of informal phrases: ' O.K, ..not everyone is like me .. .'. Opposing viewpoints are too informally introduced: 'Let's now look at ...' 'Then there's the fact that ...' rather than conventional devices such as: 'With regard to, ... moreover, furthermore..'. The conventions of essay writing are not used well and the arguments used are limited. The writer of the essay doesn’t manage to hold the target reader’s attention. Despite the clear paragraphing, the essay is not well organised and coherent. The introduction clearly introduces the types of organisation that are to be discussed, with reference to government funding, however arguments are not clearly or logically developed, such as the writer's belief that sport and recreation charities are not as deserving of government funding as are health charities. The writer gives a personal example to illustrate this belief without clearly relating the issue to the general public: 'OK, I'm doing a lot of sport but not everyone is like me. There's loads of people who think therefore that the government shouldn't spend money on this kind of charity .' There is a frequent misuse of the present continuous tense throughout-the present continuous form being used in place of the present simple: 'So, we have to be choosing one.. ' 'I'm doing a lot of sport..' Vocabulary is extremely limited and simplistic; the writer referring to 'loads of people,' and 'old folks' instead of using more formal, advanced vocabulary such as 'the vast majority' or 'older people' respectively. Vocabulary and phrases are also incorrectly used, e.g 'lots of more money .' The major problem though, is the inappropriate use of an informal tone throughout, the writer frequently addressing the reader: 'So let's think about ..., Now, let's look at ... ' as well as too often use of informal phrases: 'I reckon this...' .
