HIGH PRAISE FOR RADICAL HONESTY "A breakthrough book. Dr. Brad Blanton shocks you !akes you laugh and aboe all !akes you th#nk." — R#k# R#k# Robb#ns $ones Ph.D. author o% Negotiating Negot iating Love
and %ounder o% the &et'ork %or E!(o'ered )o!en "*he truth really #s +the l#ght o% the 'orld.+ Radical Honesty has hel(ed !e re!oe a %e' !ore !ental shackles." ,)ally -"the cook#e !an" A!os N ame: Turn Lemons Lemo ns into i nto Lemonade Lemo nade author o% Man with No Name:
"Brad Blanton+s a((roach #n Radical Honesty #s at once shock#ng and heal#ng. *he subt#tle o% the book How to Transform Your Y our Life by Telling the Truth, #s /ust the t#( o% the #ceberg."
, New ge Retailer Re tailer "0uts through the bullsh#t o%+nor!al eeryday l#%e.+ Honesty #s the !ost rad (ol#cy o% all1" ,Stuar ,St uartt 0ha( 0 ha(!an !an !hole "arth Review #lease #lease turn turn the the $age $age for for more more e%traord e%traordinar inaryy acclaim acclaim&& . . .
" A d el #g ht %u ll y r e% re sh #n g l oo k a t b e# ng h o ne st . . .
I l o e d
#t." , R # t a 2 a e B r o ' n ' ungle,, author o% Rubyfi vit 'ungle (enus "nvy, and )outhern *iscomfort
"Brad Blanton+s '#sdo! changed !y l#%e. Read th#s book and #t '#ll change yours." ,$ohanna &eu!an &eu!a n 0h#e% D#(lo!at#c 0orres(ondent +) Today "I use Brad+s a((roach to e3(ress#ng resent!ent and a((rec#a4 t#on all the t#!e '#th the k#ds I counsel #n school. )hat #t o(ens u( #n the#r relat#ng to each other #s a!a5#ng to 'atch1 A great con%l#ct4resolut#on tool." ,6athy Sher#dan Sher#dan ele!entary school school counselor "Be%ore you read th#s book be %ore'arned #t '#ll u(set your !ental a((le cart. But don+t /ust read #t talk about #t and (ass #t along . . . because %or a 'orld that+s dro'n#ng #n l#es and h#d4 #ng #t+s the r#ght !essage at the r#ght t#!e." ,2#ke 0asey 0o!!un#cat#ons 0o!!u n#cat#ons D#rector De!ocract#c 0ongress#onal 0a!(a#gn 0o!!#ttee ■
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"I% !y students could be !ore l#ke th#s 'e+d reolut#on#5e the bus#ness bus#ness 'orld." 'orld." ,Ho'ard Borck Ph.D. P h.D. (ro%essor o% Hu!an Resource 2anage!ent
RADICAL HONESTY Brad Blanton Ph.D.
A Dell *rade Pa(erback
A DEU. TRADE PAPERBACK Pobfahedby Defl Pubhs#r#ng nfciao nfciaoof of
Doublcda Dell Publ#sh#ng Grou( Inc. 789: Broad'ay Broad'ay &e' ;ork &e' ;ork ;ork 7::<= I% >ou (urchased th#s book '#d#ouc a coer you should be a'are that th#s book #s stolen (ro(erty. It 'ss re(orted #s "unsold and destroyed" to the (ubl#sher and ne#ther the author nor the (ubl#sher has has rece#ed rece#ed any (ay!ent (ay!ent %or th#s "str#((ed book." book." I )ISH *O *HA&6 the co(yr#ght holders %or (er!#ss#on to ?uote %ro! the %ollo'#ng (oe!s (oe!s and sources@ sources@ "o#ng Ar!s" 'ords and !us#c by *o! $ans. 0o(yr#ght 7C Al!o 2us#c 0or(. -AS0AP. All R#ghts Resered. Internat#onal 0o(yr#ght Secured. ")hen I oed Her" by 6r#s 6r#sto%Ferson. 7C= 0areers4B2G 0areers4B2G 2us#c Publ#sh#ng #nc. All R#ghts Resered. sed by (er!#ss#on. The ra$es of!tath by $ohn Ste#nbeck. Ste#nbeck. 0o(yr#ght 0o(yr#ght 7C
"A &e' Heaen and a &e' Earth" %ro! Tiie -om$lete #oems o.*&H& Lawrence by D.H. a'rence. 0o(yr#ght 7C=9 7C7 by Angelo Raagl# and 02. )eekley E3ecutors o% the Estate o% Fr#eda a'rence Raagl#. sed by (er!#ss#on o% #k#ng Pengu#n a d##s#on o% Pengu#n Books SA Inc. E3cer(ts %ro! "*he Do'n'ard Path to )#sdo!" #n Tlie Leaning Tower and /ther )tories, co(yr#ght 7C
"*esta!ent -or Ho!age to )alt )h#t!an" %ro! Loveroot by Er#ca Er#ca $ong. 0o(yr#ght 0o(yr#ght 0 7C= 7C=C 7C< 7C9 7C8 by Er#ca 2ann $ong. Re(r#nted by (er!#ss#on o% Henry Holt and 0o!(any Inc. 1 and Thou, by 2art#n Buber Buber translated translated by Ronald Ronald Gregor S!#th. 0o(yr#ght 0o(yr#ght 0 7C8 0harles Scr#bner+s SonsJ co(yr#ght rene'ed. Re(r#nted '#th (er!#ss#on o% 0harles Scnbner+s Sons an #!(r#nt o% 2ac!#llan Publ#sh#ng 0o!(any. war enes s: "% $lori ng, " %$eri ment ing, "%$er ienc ing, by $ ohn S teen s 7C7 Real Peo(l e Pre ss.
Re(r#nted by Per!#ss#on. "*he Song o% the Blue n#corn" by 0arol 2ason. 0o(yr#ght 0arol 2ason. Re(r#nted by (er!#ss#on. The 1nner ame of -oif, by ). *#!othy *#!othy Gall'ey. Gall'ey. 0o(yr#ght 0o(yr#ght 7CC 7CC 7C7 7C7 by ). ). *#!othy *#!othy Gauey. sed by (er!#ss#on o% Rando! House Inc.
0o(yr#ght 7CC9 7CC= by Brad Blanton All r#ghts resered. &o (art o% th#s book !ay be re(roduced or trans!#tted #n any %or! or by any !eans electron#c or !echan#cal #nclud#ng (hotoco(y#ng record#ng or by any #n%or!at#on storage and retr#eal syste! '#thout the 'r#tten (er!#ss#on o% the Publ#sher e3ce(t 'here (er!#tted (er!#tted by la'. *he trade!ark DellK #s reg#stered #n the .S. Patent and *rade!ark O%%#ce. ISB&@ :499:48:8948 Pr#nted #n the n#ted States o% A!er#ca Publ#shed s#!ultaneously #n 0anada 2ay 7CC= 7: C = 8 BG BG
*edicated to my -lients—#ast, -lients—#ast, #resent 2 3uture
ABO* *HE A*HOR
Brad Bknton rece#ed h#s Ph.D. %ro! the n#ers#ty o% *e3as #n 7C==. He 'as tra#ned #n Gestalt *hera(y by Fr#t5 Perls 2.D. Ph.D. the %ounder o% Gestalt *hera(yJ $#! S#!k#n Ph.D.J Robert Hall 2.D.J and !any others central to the establ#sh!ent o% Gestalt *hera(y #n the n#ted States. He 'as tra#ned #n hy(nos#s by 2#lton Er#kson 2.D. Dr. Bknton 'as %ound#ng Pres#dent o% the Gestalt Inst#4 tute o% )ash#ngton D.0. #n 7C7 and started the %#rst tra#n4 #ng (rogra! #n Gestalt *hera(y #n the )ash#ngton D.0. area. He has been #n the (r#ate (ract#ce o% 0l#n#cal Psychol4 ogy #n )ash#ngton D.0. %or the (ast : years and s(ec#al4 #5es #n #nd##dual grou( and cou(les (sychothera(y. Dr. Bknton has been a (art#c#(ant #n the Ar#ca 9:4Day tra#n#ng est #%es(r#ng Introduct#on to &eurol#ngu#st#c Pro4 gra!!#ng Rat#onal E!ot#e Psychothera(y the 0o!!un#4 cat#on )orksho( )erner Erhard L Assoc#ates+ *he Foru! *he = Day *he 0o!!un#cat#on 0ourse 2astery o% E!4 (o'er!ent (o'er!en t tra#n#ngs and !any other tra#n#ngs. tra#n#ng s. He has stud4 #ed ;oga Men Buddh#s! *ranscendental 2ed#tat#on 2ed#tat#on and I!
4/+T TH" + TH/R
ar#ous other !ed#tat#on and sel%4de%ense syste!s under a ar#ety o% teachers. He stud#ed Su%# dru!!#ng e3erc#se and der#sh danc#ng under the Su%# teacher Adnan Sarhan. He also !et and talked '#th Alan )atts Arthur 0. 0larke Abraha! 2aslo' R. D. a#ng and others less %a!ous 'h#le deelo(#ng the #deas #n th#s book. In 7C Dr. Blanton %ounded the Stress 2anage!ent Sc#ence Inst#tute to tra#n !e!bers o% the hel(#ng (ro%ess#ons #n (sychothera(y and stress !anage!ent techn#?ues. In 7C8 he establ#shed the 0enter %or )ell Be#ng as a (art o% the outreach (rogra! o% the Inst#tute. He has taught been a consultant and conducted tra#n#ngs #n !ore than 9: local #nst#tut#ons and goern!ent agenc#es. Dr. Blanton #s cur4 rently the d#rector o% the 0enter %or )ell Be#ng #n )ash#ng4 ton D.0. and S(arro'ha'k Far! #n the Shenandoah alley o% #rg#n#a 'here he conducts the Telling the Truth Nine *ay !or5sho$& He cont#nues (r#ate (ract#ce.
0O&*E&*S
c5nowledgments
3###
3oreword by Marilyn 3erguson
3##
#reface
33#
1ntroduction
33
Part One@ *HE BEI&G 72oral#s!
<
*he F#rst *ruth
79
Part *'o@ *HE 2I&D <*he Be#ng Beco!es Do!#nated by the 2#nd
C
9eels o% *ell#ng the *ruth
98
Part *hree@
IBERA*IO& OF *H E BEI&G FRO2 I* S 2I&D
8Be#ng Abnor!ally Honest
8
=*aboos aga#nst E3c#te!ent
7:7
Ho' to Deal '#th Anger
77
*ell#ng the *ruth #n a 0ou(le
7=7
!I
-/NT"NT)
C Psychothera(y@ *he $ourney %ro! 2oral#s! to *ell#ng the *ruth 7C
Part Four@ *HI&GS EAR&ED
FRO2 *HE )AR
BE*)EE& BEI&G L 2I&D 7:About
0hange 77*he *ruth 0hanges 7*he Song o% the Blue n#corn 7
:7 7= = < 9C
3ootnotes 2 6uotation -redits
8
#lease Note: This boo5 is divided into four $arts& This se7uence is intentional and it will clarify what the boo5 is about& I. *HE BEI&G II. *HE 2%&D III. IBERA*IO& OF *HE BEI&G FRO2 I*S 2I&D I. *HI&GS EAR&ED FRO2 *HE )AR BE*)EE& BEI&G L 2I&D
NII
A06&O)EDG2E&*S
I hae had a lot o% hel( 'r#t#ng th#s book. So !any (eo(le hae g#en !e hel( oer the last s#3 years I+! sure to leae so!e o% the! out. At the to( o% the l#st the one 'ho has cared the !ost ed#ted the !ost argued the !ost and hel(ed 'r#te the !ost #s A!y S#ler!an 'ho d#d all that 'h#le st#ll (er%or!#ng a great nu!ber o% other nurtur#ng and su((ort4 #e ser#ces beyond the call o% nor!al '#%ely duty dur#ng the sa!e t#!e (er#od. *hank you A!y. ;ou are the '#nd be4 neath !y '#ngs. Grace *#%%any 2#ke Snell 2#chael Mucker!an Susan 6elly Betsy Perk#ns 2ary Harr#ll $ane Ashley Donna S#ckles!#th Frank Sokolo% Sondra Mahn4Oreck 2#chael a!as and Sandy Ross all hel(ed ed#t large (arts o% the book and gae !e %eedback ass#stance su((ort and #nstruct#on #n 'r#t#ng. *hank you. I a((rec#ate you all %or hel(#ng !e. I couldn+t hae done #t '#thout you. 2any thanks also to Heather Schoen and 0lyde 2cElene %or hel( #n (ull#ng the book together and hel(#ng !e beg#n to (resent the book and the #deas there#n to the 3#n
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general (ubl#c. 2any creat#e thanks to Paul Fetters $ay Su!ner )h#tney Sher!an and Donna S#ckles!#th -aga#n %or (hotogra(h#ng #llustrat#ng and des#gn#ng the book. *hanks to ol#nda 2oseley %or the 'ork you d#d at the #brary o% 0ongress. *hanks to 0arolyn 2eyer 'ho hel(ed (ull the b#bl#ogra(hy together and 'r#te letters re?uest#ng (er!#ss#on to use the ?uotes %ro! all the (eo(le I ?uoted and hel(ed '#th the !a#l#ng l#st %or the book s#gn#ng (arty. *hanks to the !e!bers o% !y 2astery o% E!(o'er!ent Grou(@ Ed Gre#lle Pa! and 6ent 0art'r#ght 0lyde 2cElene Roger $ohnson 2#chael Fogarty Paul Fetters $ay Su!ner and 2arc#a 2ake(eace %or all o% your early su((ort and ongo#ng su((ort and %eedback dur#ng th#s 'hole (rocess. *hanks to all o% !y %r#ends 'ho bought adance co(#es to hel( !e (ay %or (ubl#sh#ng th#s book. *he #s#on hard 'ork co!!#t!ent and %r#endsh#( o% S#!on )ar'#ck4S!#th R#k# Robb#ns4$ones eeryone at Atr#u! Publ#shers Grou( and #nnu!erable enthus#asts and su((orters hel(ed us get out o% the sel%4(ubl#sh#ng bus#ness. *hanks (art#cularly to 2ar#lyn Ferguson and 0harl#e 2yers 'ho 'ere the n#nety4n#nth and one4hundredth !onkeys res(ect#ely to d#scoer th#s book and 'ho 'ere res(ons#4 ble %or !y %#nd#ng Dell and #ce ersa. And thanks to Ste(ha4 n#e Gunn#ng o% Dell 'ho+s been a great ed#tor %or your 'ar!th hu!or and su((ort. So !any o% you d#d e3tra th#ngs you d#dn+t hae to do th#ngs so!et#!es I d#dn+t een kno' I needed and I a((rec#ate you all so !uch %or tak#ng care o% !e #n !y #gnorance and !ak#ng !e !ore ca(able than I really a!. 3#
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*o 'hateer degree th#s book #s a contr#but#on to other (eo( le yo ur hel( an d su(( ort !a de that co ntr#bu t#on (oss#ble. ,)BB
3
FORE)ORD
Rad ical Honesty #s a #tal book /ust as #ts author #s a #tal
hu!an be#ng. It #s (o'er%ully heal#ng. I don+t agree '#th eeryth#ng Brad Blanton has to say nor 'ould he e3(ect !e to. H#s general#t#es %re?uently s'ee( too '#dely %or !y taste and although I en/oy h#s de%t use o% slang I a! so!et#!es turned o%% by 'hat he calls h#s "cuss4 #ng." ;et I !ust con%ess that des(#te !y !#sg##ngs th#s book has !oed !e !ore than anyth#ng I hae co!e across #n years. In the 'orld o% (sychothera(y so o%ten ane!#c and aca4 de!#c theor#es so!et#!es subst#tute %or an honest hel(#ng s(#r#t. *he !#nd chats about #ts %aor#te to(#c the !#nd and !ean'h#le no one #s tend#ng to the broken heart. Radical Honesty gets to the heart o% the !atter '#thout a(ology and '#thout /argon. I 'ould guess that Brad d#d not co!e to th#s 'ork out o% acade!#c cur#os#ty but %ro! stark need and (ass#on. He 'anted to be a thera(#st %ro! h#s h#gh school days. 3"##
3/R"!/R*
P#cture a ch#ld 'ho lost h#s %ather at s#3 l##ng '#th an abus#e alcohol#c ste(%ather. At th#rteen he has a (hys#cal con%rontat#on '#th h#s ste(%ather then goes to 0ollege Sta4 t#on *e3as to l#e '#th h#s s#ster. P#cture a young *e3an go#ng to theology school to beco!e a c#rcu#t (reacher co4 er#ng three co!!un#t#es l#ke the c#rcu#t4r#d#ng !#n#sters o% old. *he young (reacher loses h#s /ob because o% h#s e3c#te4 !ent about the c##l r#ghts !oe!ent 'h#ch then occu(#es h#! %or %our years. *hen years o% (rotest aga#nst A!er#ca+s #nole!ent #n #etna!. *h#s #s a thera(#st 'ho (uts h#s !oney 'here h#s !outh #s. And #t see!s a((ro(r#ate that he should be the one to tell us #n no uncerta#n ter!s that the e!(eror has no clothes, and ne#ther does anyone else. I %#rst heard o% Brad Blanton through %r#ends 'ho told !e about h#s book because o% #ts t#tleJ they kne' that I had been 'ork#ng %or years on a book t#tled Radical -ommon )ense& )hen I called Brad he res(onded 'ar!ly that he %elt he kne' !e and had ?uoted !e #n Radical Honesty, 'h#ch he o%%ered to send. )hen I began read#ng th#s book 'h#ch Brad had (ubl#shed h#!sel% I 'as struck by the authent#c o#ce and co!!#t!ent o% the author. *he 'ord "rad#cal" #nc#dentally or#g#nally re%erred to the /u#ce #n %ru#ts and egetables the !o#sture (ro#ded through the root 9radi% #n at#n. It later ca!e to !ean the essence or substance o% th#ngs. Rad#cal does not !ean "%ar out" but rather "%ar #n." Rad#cal honesty 'ould be the core o% truth not /ust the out'ard tra((#ngs. $ust as there #s "the letter o% the la'" and "the s(#r#t o% the la'" so there #s l#teral truth and essent#al truth. 3!
3/R"!/R*
It #s a((ro(r#ate that Brad %#rst dec#ded to (ubl#sh h#s !essage h#!sel% to guarantee that the !essage 'as not !uted or sha(ed or ta!ed by conent#onal ed#t#ng. And #t #s a((ro(r#ate that th#s book ha#ng (roen #tsel% #n the earl#er ed#t#on no' %#nds a '#der aud#ence. I% certa#n #deas or state!ents take you aback read on. Return to the! later. $ust as #n a real d#alogue there are t'#sts and turns and sur(r#ses. Brad Blanton #s a b#t o% a "holy %ool" sho'#ng h#!sel% as a co!(l#cated %all#ble (erson that 'e !#ght %org#e and heal the co!(l#cated %all#ble (eo(le 'e are. *h#s #s a book about the subtlet#es o% truth and ho' 'e get to be such l#ars,#n 'ord and deed and by th#nk#ng '#th %orked !#nd. In h#s great (oe! "An Ode on the Int#!at#ons o% I!4 !ortal#ty" )#ll#a! )ords'orth descr#bed the loss o% #n4 nocence. Fro! our #n%ancy 'hen 'e are "tra#l#ng clouds o% glory" and as young ch#ldren 'e are st#ll o(en to the be au t# es ar ou nd us. Bu t as 'e gr o' old "th e (r #s on4 house o% custo! closes #n." *he color %ades and l#%e be4 co!es drab. Radical Honesty descr#bes ho' 'e !oe %ro! sensory a'areness #n the 'o!b and the ##d e3(er#ence o% early ch#ldhood to the eer !ore abstract 'orld o% the !#nd '#th #ts 'orry #nter(retat#on bel#e%s %antasy. "*he ocean o% e34 (er#ence" beco!es "the sea o% suggest#on." In an outrageous (assage ent#tled "*he *ruth About )hy I )rote *h#s Book" the author shares h#s %antasy that so!eday (eo(le '#ll talk about h#! as he and h#s '#%e A!y talk about Fr#edr#ch &#et5sche. Stranger th#ngs hae ha(4 3#3
3/R"!/R*
(ened. 2aybe "rad#cal honesty" '#ll beco!e a gener#c ter! a aluable add#t#on to the toolbo3 o% (yschothera(y. It can+t be too soon. ,2ARI;& FERGSO&
xx
PREFA0E
*h#s book #s no' be#ng (ubl#shed by Dell but %#rst I (ub4 l#shed #t !ysel%. Be%ore I dec#ded to sel%4(ubl#sh I sub!#tted the !anu4 scr#(t o% th#s book to !any agents and (ubl#shers. It 'as acce(ted %or re(resentat#on and (ubl#cat#on seeral t#!es un4 der the cond#t#on that they could tell !e ho' to re'r#te #t they 'ould hae all the (o'er to say 'hat 'as #n #t and they 'ould kee( !ost o% the !oney !ade %ro! #t. Fro! the#r (o#nt o% #e' I 'as lucky they 'ould een cons#der tak#ng !e on to stra#ghten !e out. In the#r o(#n#on th#s book d#dn+t !eet the standards o% the (ubl#sh#ng #ndustry. As !any agents and (ubl#shers hae told !e th#s book #s %la'ed. I ?uote too !any (eo(le and the ?uotes are too long. I !#3 l#terature '#th essay. I should dec#de 'hether I a! 'r#t#ng a (sycholog#cal sel%4hel( book or a soc#o4(ol#t#cal co!!entary ,they are t'o d#%%erent th#ngs. I say bullsh#t they are not. *hey are #nt#!ately related. &eertheless I a! really grate%ul to the agents ed#tors and %r#ends 'ho hae taught !e so !uch about 'r#t#ng these XXI
#R"3-"
(ast %#e years. I s(ent al!ost t'o years 'r#t#ng (ro(osals %or (ubl#sh#ng co!(an#es #n 'h#ch I had to say 'hat th#s book 'as about and #t hel(ed !e enor!ously. It also hel(ed !e get clear about 'ho I a! and 'hat I hae to say and ho' I 'ant to say #t d#%%erently than I a! su((osed to. *h#s book #s a hodge(odge o% h#stor#cal4soc#olog#cal es4 say adenture stor#es (ersonal stor#es ad#ce4colu!n ad4 #ce ho'4to4do #t !anual (oetry and (sycholog#cal theory and (ract#ce. *h#s #s a sel%4hel( book %or a 'orld o% hu!an be#ngs 'ho are on the br#nk o% destruct#on or reb#rth. *here #s not only so!eth#ng 'rong '#th the book there #s so!eth#ng 'rong '#th !e. I cuss too !uch. I a! un(ro%ess#onal both as a (sychothera(#st and as a 'r#ter. I a! an ant#4!oral#s! !oral#st and I 'r#te r#ghteously #nd#gnant d#atr#bes aga#nst r#ghteous #nd#gnat#on. I contrad#ct !ysel%. I hae great #deas and a lot to say but I+! not !uch o% a 'r#ter. I don+t learn to control !ysel% and do 'hat #s re4 ?u#red. n%ortunately or %ortunately th#s !ess #s the heart o% 'hat I hae to o%%er to the 'orld. I+! really a k#nd o% (a4 thet#c (erson careen#ng do'n the road o% l#%e battered be4 t'een (#llar and (ost bounc#ng %ro! "God kno's I+! sorry" to "Fuck +e! #% they can+t take a /oke." I 'as a lo'er class boy 'ho !ade #t b#g #n the !#ddle class 'orld. I a! not #!(ressed '#th e#ther one o% those (ro#nc#al states o% !#nd. I don+t hae !uch res(ect %or other cultures e#ther. Bullsh#t abounds eery'here the 'orld oer as %ar as I can tell. )hen I a! #n Ro!e I do not 'ant to do as the godda!ned Ro4 !ans do because they are /ust as %ucked u( as I a! or 'orse. xxn
#R"3-"
*he sa!e %or any'here else and the sa!e %or the (ubl#sh#ng #ndustry. I a! good at !#3#ng 'orlds and then un!#3#ng the! aga#n but d#%%erently. I loe learn#ng een though I a! a slob about #t. I consu!e #n%or!at#on %ro! !any sources. I kee( 'hat see!s to be nour#sh#ng and l#%e4susta#n#ng and use%ul %ro! conersat#ons '#th (eo(le s(#t out 'hat I can+t use and share 'hateer I co!e u( '#th #n other conersa4 t#ons '#th other (eo(le. I a! a translator across barr#ers o% %eel#ng and thought. I a! a transl#terator o% !ean#ng %ro! one language to another %ro! sub4culture to sub4culture culture to culture eastern 'orld to 'estern 'orld. I a((rec#ate the hell out o% anyth#ng 'r#tten or told to !e that 'orks %or !e #n !y l#%e. I a! #nord#nately #nterested #n the truth 'h#ch I a! able to tell #s true by ho' #t 'orks #n !y l#%e. I don+t g#e a sh#t about %or! or about %or!ulas that are !erely trad#t#onal. I a! not #!(ressed '#th the argu!ent that un#ty o% %or! !a3#!#5es co!!un#cat#on nor that #t #s 'hat causes books to sell. So I (ubl#shed the godda!ned th#ng !ysel%. A%ter sell4 #ng out the %#rst (r#nt#ng I 'as a((roached by a 'hole bunch o% (ubl#shers and eentually s#gned a contract '#th Dell. &o' together 'e are o%%er#ng th#s %la'ed (#ece o% 'ork to the 'orld. I% you are stand#ng #n the store read#ng th#s and you don+t 'ant to buy #t (ut the sono%ab#tch do'n so so!e4 body 'ho !#ght buy #t can (#ck #t u( and look at #t. ,BRAD BA&*O&
33!
I&*ROD0*IO&
I a! %#%ty4%#e years old. I hae been a (sychothera(#st #n )ash#ngton D.0. %or oer 8 years. Peo(le co!e to !y o%%#ce and (ay !e !oney to (ay attent#on to the! and do 'hat I can to hel( out. I hae so!e sk#ll #n hel(#ng (eo(le %#nd 'ays to !ake the#r l#es 'ork. *h#s #s 'hat I hae learned@ )e all l#e l#ke hell. It 'ears us out. It #s the !a/or source o% all hu!an stress. y#ng k#lls (eo(le. *he k#nd o% ly#ng that #s !ost deadly #s '#thhold#ng or kee(#ng back #n%or!at#on %ro! so!eone 'e th#nk 'ould be a%%ected by #t. Psycholog#cal #llness o% the seerest k#nd #s the result o% th#s k#nd o% ly#ng. Psycholog#cal heal#ng #s (oss#ble only '#th the %reedo! that co!es %ro! not h#d#ng any!ore. 6ee(#ng secrets and h#d#ng %ro! other (eo(le #s a tra(. Ado4 lescents s(end !ost o% the#r t#!e (lay#ng th#s h#de4and4seek ga!e. *he better you are at gett#ng by '#th (lay#ng h#de4and4 seek dur#ng adolescence the harder #t #s to gro' u(. "I!(ortant" secrets and all the (lott#ng and cog#tat#on that go '#th the! are all bullsh#t. 33
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*he !#nd #s a /a#l bu#lt out o% bullsh#t. *h#s book tells ho' the bullsh#t /a#l o% the !#nd gets bu#lt and ho' to es4 ca(e. *h#s #s a "ho' to" book on %reedo!. )#thhold#ng %ro! other (eo(le not tell#ng the! about 'hat 'e %eel or th#nk kee(s us locked #n the /a#l. *he longer 'e re!a#n #n that /a#l the ?u#cker 'e decl#ne. )e e#ther esca(e or 'e go dead. *he 'ay out #s to get good at tell#ng the truth. 2y cl#ents are !ostly (eo(le #n the :4 to =84year age range 'ho are de(ressed an3#ous angry burnt out or a co!b#nat#on thereo%. I 'ork '#th goern!ent e!(loyees la'yers bus#ness (eo(le !ed#a (ro%ess#onals and other oer4 gro'n adolescents '#th su(er4cr#t#cal !#nds 'ho can+t sto( /udg#ng and cr#t#c#5#ng the!seles and !oral#5#ng to other (eo(le. I 'ork to rel#ee the#r su%%er#ng (r#!ar#ly the su%%er4 #ng o% deadness. Deadness #s a lo'4#ntens#ty %or! o% su%%er4 #ng. It #s the result o% stay#ng on guard aga#nst #!ag#ned greater dangers. *he greater dangers 'e #!ag#ne are based on !e!or#es o% ho' 'e hae been hurt be%ore. 2any o% us learned as ch#ldren that be#ng %ully al#e 'as bad and you got hurt %or #t so 'e deadened ourseles@ (artly as a de%ense aga#nst the b#g (eo(le and (artly to s(#te the!. Deaden#ng ourseles 'as our 'ay o% h#d#ng that 'e 'ere al#e #n #!4 (ro(er 'ays and the only th#ng to do 'as to kee( #t a secret. *he (ath 'e !ust %ollo' to get oer the su%%er#ng o% deadness leads #n#t#ally #nto greater su%%er#ng. For e3a!(le #% you hae deadened yoursel% %or a long t#!e to kee( %ro! e3(er#enc#ng anger gett#ng ery angry '#ll %eel 'orse than deadness. But #t+s only your '#ll#ngness to %eel 'orse that '#ll allo' you to %eel better. *ry#ng to re!a#n care%ully ke(t and ao#d %urther (a#n e!barrass!ent and d#%%#culty #s nor!al. 33#
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&or!al#ty #s the key to ao#d#ng change and cont#nu#ng to su%%er. Peo(le 'ho 'ant to be nor!al are o%ten (roud o% #t and #ct#!s to the #deal o% nor!al#ty@ dead4su%%er#ng death4 deal#ng nor!al#ty. S#g!und Freud once sa#d that (sychoanal4 ys#s 'as to hel( (eo(le get %ro! #ntense su%%er#ng to co!!on unha((#ness. I don+t th#nk 'e hae to settle %or that. I hel( (eo(le %ocus the#r attent#on and !uster the#r courage %or the /ourney #nto (re#ously ao#ded su%%er#ng and then beyond to a truly abnor!al l#%e. Fac#ng 'hat one has (re#ously ao#ded results #n #ntense e!ot#on and then a breakthrough #nto oer%lo'#ng creat##ty. *hat oer%lo'#ng creat##ty #s the source o% (o'er %or chang#ng or re4sha(#ng our l#es. I 'ork l#ke a body4sho( !echan#c 'orks to %#3 a bent %ender. )hen ho' and (art#cularly why an acc#dent oc4 curred doesn+t !ake a da!n b#t o% d#%%erence to a body4sho( !an. He+s only #nterested #n results. He+ll bang around the outs#de o% the %ender '#th a rubber !allet ta( #t %ro! the #ns#de '#th a ball (een ha!!er dr#ll a hole attach a rod and try to (ull #t out or h#t #t '#th a rock. )hen #t (o(s out #% #t does he sands #t o%% (a#nts #t and sends #t out. I% #t doesn+t (o( out he re(laces #t. He #s (rag!at#c e3(er#enced and con%#dent o% the essent#al %le3#b#l#ty o% the !ater#al '#th 'h#ch he 'orks. 0are%ul attent#on to deta#l and e3(er#!en4 tat#on '#th each ne' dent br#ng cons#stent results. I 'ork on #nd##dual sel%4created su%%er#ng '#th (eo(le 'ho are res(ons#ble %or cont#nu#ng to create the#r o'n su%%er4 #ng. #ke the body4sho( !an and the o'ner o% the car 'e concentrate on the cond#t#on o% the !ach#ne and the results 'e 'antJ 'e don+t hae to %#gure out ho' the acc#dent ha(4 33u
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(ened and 'e /udge the success or %a#lure o% our e%%orts by ho' close 'e+e co!e to the results 'e 'ant. I 'ork !ostly '#th "garden ar#ety" neurot#cs@ aerage bas#cally healthy (eo(le 'ho are an3#ous or de(ressed or both. O%ten these general states o% be#ng,an3#ety or de(res4 s#on,are acco!(an#ed by so!at#c d#sco!%orts and d#seases such as sk#n rashes ulcers lo'er back (a#n s(ast#c col#t#s allerg#es h#gh blood (ressure and #nso!n#aJ or by recurr#ng (roble!s #n relat#onsh#(s on the /ob or #n the %a!#ly. )hen thera(y 'orks the so!at#c #lls d#sa((ear or decrease #n #ntens#tyJ an3#ety and de(ress#on as steady states go a'ayJ and (eo(le take res(ons#b#l#ty %or !ak#ng the#r relat#onsh#(s (ro4 %ess#onal l#es and creat#e (o'ers 'ork. *ak#ng res$onsibility !eans a (erson no longer bla!es outs#de c#rcu!stances or other (eo(le or (ast eents %or the cond#t#ons o% h#s o'n l#%e. Both the bod#ly #lls and the steady un'anted e!ot#onal states go a'ay because o% a learn#ng that takes (lace and that learn#ng al'ays #noles lett#ng u( on the de!and that the 'orld #nclud#ng the de!ander be other than 'hat #t is& *hera(y #s oer 'hen a (erson sto(s #ncessantly de!and#ng that other (eo(le be d#%%erent %ro! 'hat they are %org#es h#s or her (arents and other begrudged %or!er #nt#!ates re4 cla#!s the (o'er to !ake l#%e 'ork and takes res(ons#b#l#ty %or do#ng so. Psychothera(y doesn+t al'ays 'ork. 2y est#!ate #s that about a th#rd o% the t#!e the results are good to ade?uate about a th#rd o% the cl#ents !ake a %e' hal%4assed changes and at least a th#rd o% the %olks 'ho see !e don+t get any good out o% thera(y 'orth !ent#on#ng. ery %e' (eo(le su%4 %er any da!age #n thera(y s#nce #t #s as hard to do da!age as 33###
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#t #s to hel(. I hae seen a lot o% %a#lure and a lot o% success. *h#s book #s an atte!(t to say 'hat 'orks 'hen #t 'orks. )hen thera(y 'orks the result #s an e3(er#ence o% 'ell be4 #ng 'holeness be#ng 'hole. *h#s book #s about gett#ng there. "he#e Doe$ S%#e$$ 0o!e Fro!
Peo(le say !odern l#%e #s stress%ul. Stress #s not a charac4 ter#st#c o% l#%e or t#!es but o% (eo(le. Stress does not co!e %ro! the en#ron!ent #t co!es %ro! the !#nd o% the #nd#4 #dual under stress. )e !ake certa#n assu!(t#ons about the 'orld and 'e beco!e attached to those assu!(t#ons. )e su%%er %ro! th#nk#ng. )e 'orked too hard to learn our #deas about the 'orld to g#e the! u(. #ke (oker (layers 'ho hae already lost too !uch 'e des(erately double the bet #n ho(es o% %orc#ng %ate to g#e us a good card. )e th#nk about th#ngs too !uch and too ser#ously and 'e su%%er a great deal %ro! try#ng to !ake the 'orld !atch our th#nk#ng. )e co!4 (la#n about ho' the 'orld %a#ls to l#e u( to our e3(ecta4 t#ons. )e th#nk about ho' l#%e doesn+t l#e u( to #ts b#ll#ng and ho' #t should and ho' #t #s rotten %ha% i% doesn+t and ho' 'e should so!eho' %#3 #t. 2any (eo(le th#nk the!4 seles to death. In order to sur#e 'e hae to a((ly 'hat 'e hae learned %ro! e3(er#ence. B% #t #s e?ually true that #n order to thr#e,#n order to stay al#e,'e hae to overcome cont#n4 ually 'hat 'e hae (re#ously learned. I% 'e don+t so!eho' get rescued %ro! our assu!(t#ons about l#%e they deour us. Rescue #noles recogn#5#ng that the assu!(t#ons 'e so stub4 33#3
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bornly cl#ng to as truths are #n %act dec#s#ons 'e hae !ade about 'hat "should be true" based on (ast e3(er#ences. The T#%h 0hanges Because o% be#ng lost #n our o'n !#nds 'e %a#l to rec4
ogn#5e that the truth changes. )hen the truth changes and 'e %a#l to recogn#5e 'hat has now beco!e true 'h#le hold4 #ng on to the idea o% 'hat used to be true 'e beco!e l#ars co!!#tt#ng su#c#de. I% at @:: (! I a! !ad at you and tell you about #t and get ?u#te 'orked u( oer #t and you get !ad back and 'e talk about #t and 'e stay co!!#tted to the conersat#on and to the (oss#b#l#ty o% gett#ng oer our anger there #s a good chance that by @98 (! 'e can laugh and hae a dr#nk and not be angry any!ore. It 'as true that I hated your guts at @:: (!. It 'as no longer true so!e'here bet'een @: and @98. In contrast (eo(le 'ho l#e accord4 #ng to (r#nc#(les l#ke "I hated you then and %or good reason so I st#ll hate you no'" can+t get oer th#ngs. *h#s #s reason4 able but stu(#d. I hae seen a lot o% reasonably stu(#d (eo(le #n !y l#%e. #%e goes on and the truth changesJ th#s /ust ha((ens to be the 'ay l#%e #s. )hat 'as once true #s o%ten no longer true /ust a l#ttle 'h#le later. ;esterday+s truth #s today+s bullsh#t. Een yesterday+s l#berat#ng #ns#ght #s today+s /a#l o% stale e3(la4 nat#on. + Roles and rules are also thoughts 'h#ch 'hen gras(ed onto as (r#nc#(les are hard %or (eo(le to get oer or get beyond or let change. Peo(le choke the l#%e out o% the!seles by ty#ng the!seles to a chosen "sel% #!age",any "sel% #!4 age" 'hatsoeer. 2any adults re!a#n #n a (er(etual adoles4 xxx
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cence locked #n the (rotect#e con%#ne!ent o% a l#!#ted set o% roles and rules. *h#s (rotect#on k#lls. Accord#ng to a study conducted by *he 0enters %or D#sease 0ontrol #n Atlanta 8
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you !ust be '#ll#ng to tell the truth. *ell#ng the truth %rees us %ro! entra(!ent #n the !#nd. *he alternat#e alternat#e to %reedo! #s to l#e out a (rogra! (rogra! #!4 (osed by (re%abr#cated #nternal#5ed !oral resoles. ##ng th#s 'ay #s a gradual su%%ocat#on 'h#ch !akes us s#!ultaneously !ore dead and !ore des(erate. 0reat##ty using the !#nd rather than be#ng used by the !#nd #s the cure %or all stress d#sorders. )#ll#ngness to tell the truth #n order to be %ree %ro! your secretly assess#ng secret4 kee(#ng !#nd creates the (oss#b#l#ty o% us#ng your !#nd to !ake a %uture as an art#st rather than as a #ct#!. Bullsh#t Bullsh#t #s a h#ghly techn#cal ter! used throughout th#s book. I stole th#s ter! %ro! Fr#t5 Perls the %ather o% Gestalt *hera(y. Abstract#on %ro! (ast e3(er#ences be#ng !#staken %or current e3(er#ence #tsel% #s the !a/or d#sor#ent#ng error o% the nor!al garden4ar#ety neurot#c. "I+e been '#th you %or : years,#t should be ob#ous that I loe you." E#dence %ro! the (ast doesn+t (roe anyth#ng about current e3(er#4 ence. )e neurot#cs are (eo(le 'ho !ake b#g general#5at#ons to coer long (er#ods o% t#!e. )e say th#ngs l#ke ";ou al ways & & &; and ";ou never never&& & , ,; )e attr#bute all o% our (o' ( o' e r t o c# r cu ! st an c es a nd sa y th #n gs l# k e ; 1 t !akes !e. . &< ,; )hen 'e say these th#ngs 'e usually hae no #dea 'e are l##ng l##ng #n an #!ag#nar #!ag#nary y 'orld 'orld o% our o'n creat#on. creat#on. Fr#t5 Perls actually !ade three techn#cal d#st#nct#ons %or (o#4 sonous ass#gn!ent o% alue@ ch#ckensh#t bullsh#t and ele4 (han (h antt sh#t. sh #t. 0h#ck 0h #ck ensh# en sh#tt #s a nor!a no r!all greet gre et#n #ng g that th at doesn do esn +t !ean 'hat #t says as #n "Hello ho' are you" "I+! %#ne 333##
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ho' are you" Bullsh#t #s nor!al conersat#on #n 'h#ch (eo4 (le are s#!(ly 'h#l#ng a'ay the t#!e '#th !ean#ngless ab4 stract#ons stract#ons and general#5at#ons. general#5at#ons. Ele(hant sh#t #s any d#scuss#on o% Gestalt theory. I use 'ords that hae "sh#t" #n the! to g#e a (e/orat#e ealuat#on o% ealuat#ons the!seles. I 'ant (eo(le at least to cons#der the (oss#b#l#ty that the#r !ost aluable alues !ay not be so aluable. I 'ant (eo(le to ?uest#on the#r o'n cer4 ta#nty. ta#nty. -As &#et5sche &#et5sche sa#d sa#d "&ot doubt certaint certaintyy #s 'hat dr#es one #nsane." So %or s#!(l#c#ty+s sake I '#ll use "bullsh#t" as the gener#c root 'ord %or all alue4ass#gned ab4 stract#on or su!!at#ons o% re!e!bered e3(er#ences. Bullsh#t #s any abstract#on %ro! e3(er#ence your !#nd !akes and ass#gns alue to. ";ou don+t loe !e" or "*hose (eo(le are angry" or "*h#s #s ugly -beaut#%ul -beaut#%u l good bad #!(ortant #!(ortant etc." etc." all are inter$retations o% real#ty. Bullsh#t #s a sales (#tch %or an #nter(retat#on #nter(retat#on o% real#ty that co!es '#th any #nter(retat#on o% real#ty. ll #nter(retat#ons o% real#ty are bull4 sh#t. Freedo! #s not be#ng do!#nated by your o'n bullsh#t. )e bel#ee our #nter(retat#ons o% real#ty #ntensely and 'e 'ant other (eo(le to /o#n us #n our #nter(retat#ons to !ake us %eel secure. )e bel#ee our #nter(retat#ons are real#ty and #% 'e can get enough otes 'e '#ll (roe #t. A %e' o% us occas#onally esca(e the bullsh#t /a#l o% the !#nd. 2ost o% us d#e #n /a#l. All o% us hae the !agn#%#cent (oss#b#l#ty o% gett#ng beyond the /a#l o% our o'n !#nds oer and oer aga#n. *he %#rst ste( to th#s (rocess #s to doubt our !#nds. !#nds. *he truth truth turns to bullsh#t bullsh#t #n the hu!an !#nd /ust l#ke %ood turns to e3cre!ent #n the hu!an body. Our !#nds 'ork (retty !uch the sa!e 'ay our gastro#ntest#nal syste!s 333!
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'ork. A !#nd #s deelo(ed to take good nour#sh#ng truth absorb 'hat #t can and turn the rest to sh#t. n%ortunately the !#nd doesn+t e3(el #ts 'astes auto!at#cally l#ke the body does. )e hae to do #t oluntar#ly. Accord#ng to Hugh *ho!as author o% History of The !orld, the greatest !ed#cal adance #n h#story has been gar4 bage collect#on.< *he greatest (sycholog#cal adance #n h#s4 tory #s /ust around the corner and '#ll also hae to do '#th clean#ng clean#ng u(. 0lean#ng 0lean#ng u( l#es and "co!#ng out o% the closet" closet" #s gett#ng !ore attent#on these days. So!e day 'e '#ll look back on these years o% su%%ocat#on #n bullsh#t #n the sa!e 'ay 'e look back on all the years (eo(le l#ed #n and d#ed %ro! the#r garbage. y#ng *h#s book un%olds deelo(!entally beg#nn#ng '#th an account#ng o% ho' a !#nd gro's %ro! noth#ng to 'hat #t #s by the t#!e #t reache rea chess adolesc ado lescenc ence. e. *he centra ce ntrall !essag !es sagee o% th#s book #s that 'e hu!an be#ngs #n the course o% gro'#ng u( get lost #n our !#ndsJ and #% 'e don+t %#nd our 'ay out our !#nds eentually k#ll us. )e all hae !#nds and 'e all co!e by the! naturally. In learn#ng ho' to sur#e %ro! b#rth to adulthood 'e start out us#ng our senses as a (r#!ary !ode o% or#entat#on #n the 'orl 'orld d and and 'e end end u( as !#nde !#nded d be#n be#ngs gs us#ng us#ng $rinci$les o% or#entat#on. )e abstract %ro! our senses and bu#ld our !#nds. A%ter a 'h#le 'e get so #noled #n !#nd deelo(4 !ent that 'e lose touch '#th our senses and get lost #n our !#nds. Our !#nds are %or!ed o% #nter(retat#ons about real#ty based ba sed on re(l re (l#c #cate ated d e3(e e3 (er#e r#e nces nc es.. A%ter A%t er a baby ba by e3(e e3 (er#e r#enc nces es 333#
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be#ng be#n g nursed nurse d re(eatedly re(ea tedly #t starts start s ant#c#(at# ant#c #(at#ng ng be#ng be#n g nursed nurs ed aga#n based on hunger and #ts l#ttle !e!ory and #t cr#es %or !ore !#lk. )hen !ore !#lk co!es ?u#ckly a t#ny l#ttle con4 ce(t #nol#ng t#!e has been born. *he baby has an #nter(re4 tat#on@ "I% I cry I+ll get !#lk." *hat #nter(retat#on has a !e!ory #n #t and an e3(ectat#on %or the %uture. As 'e gro' 'e learn to #nter(ret our e3(er#ence #n order to sur#e. )e eentually beco!e ca(able o% car#ng %or oursel ourseles es but our sur# sur#al al techn# techn#?ue ?uess can can and o%ten o%ten do eentually k#ll us. )hat k#lls us #s #ntense attach!ent to our #nter(retat#ons and %a#lure to d#st#ngu#sh these #nter(retat#ons %ro! sensate real#ty. *h#s (rocess o% learn#ng to categor#5e e3(er#ence e3(er#ences s and then %orgett# %orgett#ng ng the d#st#nct d#st#nct#on #on bet'een bet'een categor#es and e3(er#ence #tsel% #s 'hat I call learn#ng ho' to l#e. earn#ng ho' to (retend #nter(ret ealuate and #!ag4 #ne #s a natural (rocess %or eery hu!an be#ng. It+s %un. 2ost o% the learn#ng that occurs #n early ch#ldhood (re4school and ele!entary school #s an elaborat#on o% these ab#l#t#es. In eery culture o% the 'orld as #n%ants gro' to'ard adulthood th#s learn#ng o% (retense #s go#ng on. *he long (rocess o% learn#ng ho' to l#e cul!#nates #n adolescence. Adolescents get lost #n the#r #!ag#n#ngs about 'ho they are. Er#k Er#kson says that the ?uest#on be#ng asked dur#ng adolescence #s ")ho a! I" and the ans'er eentu4 ally reached #s e#ther %rag!entary -role con%us#on or un#%#ed -ego #dent#ty9. In order to !ature beyond the role4(lay#ng or (retend#ng stage the ?uest#on ")ho a! I" !ust get ans'ered #n so!e un#tary 'ay -the nu!erous roles k#ds try on %or s#5e hae to beco!e #ntegrated #nto a cons#stent #den4 333
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t#ty that re!a#ns een 'hen ne' roles are ado(ted. *h#s un#?uely synthes#5ed (ersonal#ty eentually has to (redo!#4 nate oer role re?u#re!ents as de!onstrated by role !odels or by #deal role (er%or!ance. *here has to be a "$#l!ess" about the 'ay $#ll (lays the role o% daughter loer and 'a#t4 ress that #s there all the t#!e she #s talk#ng to her !other be#ng '#th her loer or 'a#t#ng tables. *h#s "$#llness" stands out regardless regardless o% 'hether !other !other loer or custo!ers custo!ers are #n the en#ron!ent and regardless o% ho' she has seen the roles (layed (lay ed on *. *he durat#on o% th#s deelo(!ental stage the stage o% (retend#ng and try#ng on roles to establ#sh or #nent 'ho you are de(ends on the culture #n 'h#ch you l#e. *he !ore technolog#cal the culture the longer the stage endures. Bush4 !en hae one year,%ro! 77 to 7 years o% age,to %or! the#r #dent#t#esJ by the age o% 7 they hae chosen a ocat#on gotten !arr#ed started !ak#ng bab#es and assu!ed adult roles. In our culture adolescence lasts %ro! age 77 to about <: or <8. *h#s e3tens#on o% the t#!e to choose ocat#onal se3ual and soc#al #dent#t#es #n h#ghly technolog#cal cultures #s a !#3ed bag. Right now the fastest growing death rate in our society is for
doses $eo$le between the ages of => and ?@& Su#c#des drug oer doses acc#dents and !urder head the l#st o% causes. )e get a longer t#!e to #nent 'ho 'e are but the /ob takes a greater toll. Een 'hen (eo(le sur#e the years o% adolescence the great !a/or#ty neer get oer the (retense o% adolescence. Enor!ous su%%er#ng #s caused by be#ng lost #n such (retense. Fre?uently "hel(#ng (ro%ess#onals" (ro%ess#onals" reco!!end !ore (re4 333#
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tend#ng or !ore conent#onal (retend#ng because they don+t understand that the /ob o% (sychothera(y #s to re4ground (eo(l (e o(lee #n the 'orld 'or ld o% e3(er e3 (er#en #ence ce.. *he stress that k#lls or cr#((les !ost o% the (o(ulat#on con#es con#es %ro! (eo(le be#ng too hard on the!seles the!seles 'hen they don+t l#e u( to the#r o'n #!ag#n#ngs about ho' other (eo4 (le th#nk th#n k they sho should uld behae beh ae.. )e don don+t+t kno kno' ' 'ho 'e are and 'e try to guess 'ho 'e ought to be #n order to do the r#ght th#ng and be ha((y. )e get lost #n the (rocess and beat the hell out o% ourseles be%ore 'e een kno' 'e+re hurt. It does no good 'hatsoeer s#!(ly to change 'hat 'e #!ag#ne others e3(ect o% us. )e need to recoer the ab#l#ty to (ay attent#on attent#on to so!eth#ng so!eth#ng other than the 'h#rl(ool 'h#rl(ool o% ?uest#ons ?uest#ons and doubts about 'hat #s re?u#red or e3(ected %or acce(4 tance. )e hae lost th#s ab#l#ty to (ay attent#on,to l#e out4 s#de the set o% assu!(t#ons a !#nd #s,and the only !ethod o% or#entat#on le%t #s g#en by the roles 'e hae been try#ng on %or s#5e. *hus 'e run around #n the 'orld 'h#le runn#ng around #n our !#nds try#ng to l#e u( to standards 'e #!ag4 #ne others are re?u#r#ng o% us 'h#le 'e stare %or the nour4 #sh!ent that co!es %ro! co!!on(lace e3(er#ence. )e end u( try#ng to eat the !enu #nstead o% the !eal. 2enus are nutr#t#onally '#thout alue and taste l#ke sh#t no !atter 'hat (retty (ret ty (#cture (# cturess decora de corate te the#r th e#r sur%ac s ur%ace. e. Adolescents !#ss the secur#ty o% ch#ldhood and can+t stand the uncerta#nty o% be#ng bet'een ch#ldhood and adult4 hood. Out o% an3#ety and #ntolerance %or a!b#gu#ty they gras( onto roles or r#g#d standards to cla#! an #dent#ty so they can esca(e the #nter!#nable struggle oer ho' to %#t #n. 333n
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*hey beco!e 0hr#st#ans or Har# 6r#shnas or gang !e!bers or h#((#es or !arry a ch#ldhood s'eetheart /ust to hae a (lace to stand. *hey ado(t the standards and (r#nc#(les o% these grou(s to l#e by. Standards or (r#nc#(les to l#e by are all e7ual in this way: they are abstractions of the mind, summations based on $ast e%$erience, not e%$erience itself&
Adolescents o% all ages beco!e !ore (ass#onately at4 tached to standards the !ore #nsecure they %eel. Strong at4 tach!ent to (r#nc#(le only #ncreases our r#g#d#ty 'h#ch %urther #ncreases our %eel#ng o% #nsecur#ty. Such beha#or doesn+t gu#de us through our chang#ng e3(er#ences. *he 'orld o% e3(er#ence #s l#ke a r#er. ;ou are better o%% '#th a boat than '#th a (ost to hold on to 'h#le the 'ater beats you to death.U *o gro' beyond adolescence (eo(le hae to let go o% rather than t#ghten the#r gr#( on the (r#nc#(les and standards '#th 'h#ch they de%#ne the!seles. *h#s #s usually ery scary l#ke %all#ng back'ard #nto the unkno'n. )hat results #s e3(er#ence #n the here and no'. *he re4e!ergence o% th#s struggle the struggle %or #dent#ty that 'as (ut a'ay by gras(#ng onto an #dent#ty out o% an #ntolerance o% a!b#gu#ty #s the !ost aluable %unct#on o% (sychothera(y %or (eo(le 'ho are %ro5en #n role de%#n#t#ons. *hese (eo(le are reborn %ro! the#r !ental /a#l #nto the here and no'. Such (eo(le learn to treat (r#nc#(les not as rules en4 graed #n stone but as less #!(ortant "rules o% thu!b" to be al#dated or #nal#dated by ne' e3(er#ence. Rules o% thu!b can be re#sed or re/ected or created ane' #% the (eo(le 'ho hold the! !ake allo'ances to #nclude ne' e3(er#ence. Peo4 UAlan )atte+ book The !isdom of 1nsecurity, #s an elaborat#on o% th#s (o#nt.
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(#e 'ho are #ntensely attached to !oral (r#nc#(les not#ce only the e3(er#ences that /ust#%y the *#ghtness o% the (r#nc#4 (les and s#!(ly don+t not#ce anyth#ng else. Fr#t5 Perls one o% !y teachers reco!!ended that (eo4 (le "lose the#r !#nds and co!e to the#r senses." nless (eo4 (le 'ho hae gro'n !#nds learn to lose the #r !#nds and co!e to the#r senses aga#n,(ay attent#on to gra#ty the#r o'n bod#es the 'orld o% real ob/ects and other be#ngs out there,they re!a#n locked #n the#r o'n t#ghtly held not#ons o% "ho' th#ngs are" and neer not#ce any ne' e3(er#ences. ;og#s Buddh#st !onks gol% (ros a %e' (sychothera(y cl#4 ents so!e !us#c#ans and an odd assort!ent o% others regain the#r ab#l#ty to (ay attent#on #n s(#te o% the !#nds they hae deelo(ed. *hese (eo(le so!eho' (rogress beyond be#ng tra((ed #n and do!#nated by the "!#ndstrea!" to the e34 clus#on o% eeryth#ng else. A !#nd #s a terr#ble th#ngJ 'aste #t. *h#s book del#neates the (roble!s that result %ro! not esca(#ng your constantly #nter(ret#ng ly#ng !#ndJ o% not gro'#ng beyond the deelo(!ental stage o% learn#ng ho' to l#e. It g#es e3a!(les o% ho' '#thhold#ng the truth %ro! other (eo(le k#lls or graely da!(ens the l#%e o% the '#th4 holder. Psychothera(y #s one 'ay o% learn#ng ho' to %#n#sh gro'#ng u(@ ho' to get to creat##ty %ro! the #nter!ed#ate deelo(!ental stage o% adolescent ly#ng and %antas#5#ng. )hat I hae deelo(ed #s a treat!ent %or the (roble! o% be#ng stuck #n adolescence a (roble! I bel#ee #s shared by !ore than 8 (ercent o% the (o(ulat#on o% the !odern tech4 nolog#cal 'orld. *he essent#al treat!ent !ethod #s a clear 333#3
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#ntent#on agreed u(on bet'een thera(#st and cl#ent together to tell the truth to each other and to eeryone else the cl#ent kno's (ersonally #n order to %#nd our 'ay out o% the !a5e. *h#s holds the great (ro!#se o% br#ng#ng us to a !ore adult 'ay o% l##ng,grounded #n e3(er#ence less su(erst#t#ous and less !oral#st#c. Iron#cally to !ature %ully 'e !ust red#s4 coer 'hat 'e kne' 'hen 'e 'ere less so(h#st#cated. Once 'e hae re4centered ourseles #n our e3(er#ence 'h#ch #s the (os#t#on 'e #nhab#ted as ch#ldren 'e can %#nally use our !#nds as #nstru!ents %or creat#on rather than as de%ense sys4 te!s %or our #!age o% 'ho 'e are. lt#!ately 'e can un#te the real 'orld o% e3(er#ence #n the here and no' '#th the 'orld 'e "kno' about" %ro! !e!ory and #nter(retat#on. *he secret o% th#s un#on #s to release energy by l##ng out loud rather than s(end#ng all o% our energy try#ng to control ourseles and others through '#thhold#ng. *he secret #n other 'ords #s tell#ng the truth. Gro'th #nto the (ersonal (o'er o% tell#ng the truth #s the key to l#%e beyond adolescent !oral#s!. Psychothera(y #s one !ethod o% rescue %ro! be#ng choked to death by conce(ts 'h#ch 'ere learned %or the sake o% e%%#c#ency and to ao#d un'anted e3(er#ence. As I sa#d so!et#!es #t 'orks and so!et#!es #t doesn+t. The effectiveness of $sychothera$y de$ends entirely on the client
*here are !any anc#ent syste!s o% thought deal#ng '#th the stages o% gro'th beyond ly#ng and (os#ng. 2ost h#stor#cal s(#r#tualrel#g#ous!ytholog#cal teach#ngs are based on the (sycholog#cal gro'th o% a %e' '#se (eo(le 'ho !arked out a 3l
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(ath %or others to %ollo'. In our ag e the o((ortun#ty has co!e %or all o% us to learn the 'hole ( ath. I% 'e hu!ans are to be saed %ro! ourseles #nd##du4 ally as 'ell as collect#ely 'e hae to learn !ore about the art and sc#ence o% s(eak#ng the truth. &one o% us can do #t '#thout a lot o% hel( %ro! each other. Su!!ary 2y cl#ents and I hae been learn#ng %ro! each other that the (r#!ary re?u#re!ent %or gett#ng beyond adolescence #s tell#ng the truth. *h#s book deals '#th the 'hole (roble! o% tell#ng the truth@ the d#%%#culty #n tell#ng the truth ho' #t hurts one not to tell the truth ho' 'e are all l#ars and ho' #t 'orks aga#nst our sel%4#nterest to l#e. It #s co!!on %or (eo(le to ru#n the#r l#es and k#ll the!seles through '#th4 hold#ng. It #s nor!al %or (eo(le to sto( gro'#ng and d#e %ro! an accu!ulat#on o% !#ld stress d#sorders oer t#!e. Be#ng oer'e#ght u(t#ght a heay s!oker a heay dr#nker a non4 e3erc#ser or so!e co!b#nat#on thereo% are the d#rect result o% a !ore central a#l!ent o% the !#nd. *hese deaths co!e %ro! re!a#n#ng en!eshed #n the !#nd,tra((ed #n l#es. Es4 ca(e %ro! the tra( o% l#es #s #n learn#ng and #!(ro#ng through constant (ract#ce -/ust l#ke learn#ng to (lay gol% or tenn#s the ab#l#ty to tell the truth. )e are all the 'alk#ng 'ounded. 2ost o% us are st#ll #nterested #n clar#ty and the truth but at the sa!e t#!e 'e are #nterested #n !ak#ng a case %or ho' our ch#ldhood 'as 'orse than aerage and ho' 'e+re better than eeryone else. *he conent#onal 'ay to su%%er through l#%e #s to bu#ld a case %or ourseles. *hat #s 'hat you get taught to alue #n 0atho4 3l#
.ABr T.i/ni'-Tt/:B
l#e (aroch#al school and la' school as 'ell as all other schools -/ust not as e%%#c#ently as #n those %#rst t'o schools. But at the sa!e t#!e 'e are all (art#c#(ants #n a (ro/ect to %#nd out 'hat be#ng al#e #s. And 'hen 'e l#e or h#de or ao#d,essent#al tact#cs #n case bu#ld#ng,'e don+t d#scoer anyth#ng ne' about l#%e and 'e don+t hel( others to d#scoer anyth#ng ne'. Be#ng #nterested #n th#s co!!on hu!an (ro/4 ect o% d#scoery #s an #!(ortant (art o% the great conersat#on #n 'h#ch 'e hu!ans hae been engaged %or seeral thousand years. For !y o'n good I 'ant to hang out '#th (eo(le 'ho 'ant to %#nd out 'hat #t 'ould be l#ke to l#e #n such a 'ay as to leae no uns(oken 'ords no un%#n#shed bus#nessJ I 'ant to be '#th (eo(le 'ho are hungry %or the truth 'ho 'ant to s(end t#!e learn#ng and shar#ng 'hat they hae learned rather than de%end#ng the#r #!ages or re(utat#ons. *h#s book #s %or that grou( o% (eo(le that #s gro'#ng larger eery day,4those 'hose th#rst %or kno'ledge and '#ll#ngness to share oerr#des the#r de%ense aga#nst e!barrass!ent. I a! 'r#t#ng %or (eo(le 'ho 'ant to gro' beyond the adoles4 cence that currently (asses %or adulthood %or the cou(les 'ho are %ed u( '#th act#ng and bla!#ng %or #nd##duals #n4 terested #n #ntegr#ty or 'holeness oer !oral#s! and %#tt#ng #nto roles. *h#s book #s an ant#dote to that conent#onal su%4 %er#ng. I ho(e #t '#ll (#ss you o%% and hurt you and #ns(#re you and break your !#nd+s hold on your s(#r#t.
3l##
PAR*I
The 4eing
& 'ORALIS'
A
s ch#ldren gro' u( they learn to abstract general#5e and ealuate. *hey beco!e e!ot#onally attached to the su!!at#ons and assess!ents they !ake #n the course o% learn#ng ho' to !ake the!. *hey learn to (red#ct and control %uture eents by re!e!ber#ng e(#sodes that 'ere (a#n%ul and ao#d#ng such e(#sodes #n the %uture. *hey re!e!ber e(#sodes that 'ere (leasant and try to recreate the!. #%e beco!es a story and the /ob #s to re!e!ber the e(#sodes %#gure out the !oral to the story and use the #nstruct#on to l#e '#sely and not get hurt or look l#ke a %ool. Gro'#ng u( ch#ldren eentually get to the (o#nt 'here they can+t sto( l##ng #n the#r stor#es and they cont#nue l#ke co!(uls#e ga!blers unt#l they are %#nally e3hausted or out o% resources. *h#s #s !oral#s! a d#sease %ro! 'h#ch 'e all su%%er. It #s #ncurable. It can only be !anaged and l#ed '#th l#ke her(es or d#abetes. 2ost (eo(le bel#ee that !orals are good and ch#ldren
TH" 4"1N
should be g#en !oral #nstruct#on. 2ost (eo(le ra#se the#r ch#ldren to l#e #n the /a#l o% !oral#s! #n 'h#ch they the!4 seles l#e. 2ost teachers cons#der the#r !a#n %unct#on to be teach#ng ch#ldren to behae and do r#ght and be consc#en4 t#ous. Eery adult has a 'hole ra%t o% alues they th#nk should be taught to ch#ldren. Fe' o% these (eo(le are consc#ous o% the 'ay #n 'h#ch the ch#ldren are taught to alue the alues. Schools are central agents %or trans!#ss#on o% the d#sease o% !oral#s!. *he d#sease o% !oral#s! #n adults #s character#5ed by hyster#cal %a#th #n the !#nd. )e are all s#ck to death %ro! !oral#s!. *he 'orld o% hu!an be#ngs !ay d#e %ro! #t. *he (ass#ng on o% learn#ng %ro! one generat#on to the ne3t #s not a bad des#gn and as an eolut#onary deelo(!ent #t see!s to hae tr#u!(hed. *he #dea4generat#ng sel%4(er4 (etuat#ng !ach#ne that has eoled see!s to hae 'orked. Hu!an be#ngs hae taken oer the 'orld. *he ab#l#ty to act based on accu!ulated #n%or!at#on and to (ass great ?uant#4 t#es o% ne' #n%or!at#on on #s the (r#!ary sur#al character4 #st#c o% the strongest an#!al on earth. But (arado3#cally our sur#al !echan#s! has (roed to be ult#!ately su#c#dal. It has allo'ed us to !ass (roduce the consu!ables that (ro#de us '#th the co!%ortable l#%e4 styles that eentually k#ll us to deelo( a technology %or !ass destruct#on o% hu!ans and the natural en#ron!ent and to rat#onal#5e the #ne3orable destruct#on o% !#ll#ons o% l#es rele4 gated to %ates o% (oerty d#sease and #olence. &o' 'e hae to %#3 a %e' o% our o'n gl#tches (erha(s #n /ust a decade or t'o or r#sk dy#ng o% our o'n eolut#on. Other'#se hu!an h#story !ay beco!e /ust a l#ttle bl#( #n t#!e at the end o%
M/RL1)M
'h#ch techn#cal des#gn ab#l#ty sur(assed (sycho4e!ot#onal eolut#on eentually e3t#ngu#sh#ng the s(ec#es. Gregory Bateson says #n h#s cal! detached 'ay "Any s(ec#es can get #nto an e(ol%iona#y cul4de4sac and I su((ose #t #s a !#stake o% sorts %or that s(ec#es to be a (arty to #ts o'n e3t#nct#on. *he hu!an s(ec#es as 'e all kno' !ay e3t#n4 gu#sh #tsel% any day no'."7 )e hae arr#ed at the eolut#onary cr#s#s o% !oral#s!. Our chances o% l##ng beyond th#s cr#s#s o% consc#ousness are o% course unkno'n. Probably the odds are #n %aor o% e3ter4 !#nat#on o% e#ther the s(ec#es or the 'orld that (ro#des the conte3t #n 'h#ch #t l#es or both. 'ana)in) %he Di$ea$e of 'o#ali$*
Adult !oral#sts are al'ays angry (eo(le. *he !ore the !oral#st #s con%ronted '#th slo((y old e3(er#ence the !ore hyster#cal he or she beco!es. )e all get hyster#cal but so!e o% us l#ghten u( and co!e to our senses !ore o%ten than others. So!e o% us o(erate %ro! hyster#cal !oral#s! !ost o% the t#!e. Fa!ous (ol#t#cal !oral#sts l#ke $ose(h 2c0arthy S(#ro Agne' $. Edgar Hooer and H#tler are great (roto4 ty(es o% the d#sease #n our culture. 2ore la'yers co!e to !e %or thera(y than do !e!bers o% any other (ro%ess#on and #t+ s not co#nc#dence s#nce so !uch o% the#r tra#n#ng #s to learn to l#e by rules. One #!(or4 tant rule they try to l#e by #s that the (ro(er 'ay to be angry #s to hae a %#ght us#ng the rules. *hey o%ten try to do th#s #n the#r (r#ate l#es '#th co!(lete lack o% success. Per(etual argu#ng to con#nce others o% the *#ghtness o% your case
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doesn+t 'ork 'orth a da!n #n (ersonal relat#onsh#(s and 'e all kno' #t but can+t see! to sto(. A la' school educat#on e!(has#5es the #d#ocy already bu#lt #n by the culture. a' school beg#ns '#th !e!or#5#ng torts,%or!ally learn#ng the cases %ro! the (ast and the (r#n4 c#(les they re(resent,and #t gets 'orse as #t goes on. A%ter three years o% la' school a graduate usually takes the ne3t ste( to'ard a la' career@ the bar e3a! %or 'h#ch he or she has to take a cra! course to !e!or#5e cases (r#nc#(les gen4 eral#5at#ons and alues. )hen the e3a! #s ad!#n#stered the (otent#al !e!ber o% the bar kno's #n adance that he or she !ust score #n the u((er %#%ty (ercent o% those tak#ng the e3a! or %a#l. In the D#str#ct o% 0olu!b#a #% you are #n the lo'er hal% o% the grou( but close to the cut4o%% you !ay a((eal your grade and re?uest that your (a(er be regraded. Ho'eer they '#ll not tell you the ne' grade unt#l a%ter the ne3t bar e3a! has been ad!#n#stered. I% you 'ant to be sure you can go to 'ork as a la'yer you had better take the e3a! aga#n een though you !ay hae (assed already. *h#s #s to teach you a lesson@ do 'hat you+re told no !atter ho' r#d#c4 ulous or un%a#r #% you 'ant to be a la'yer. *h#s cont#nues year a%ter year '#th the only a((arent (ur(ose be#ng to !ake sure you hae really learned to k#ss ass #n the culturally a(4 (roed 'ay. Ha#ng (assed the bar #% you are a h#gh ach#eer you then ty(#cally do a three4 to seen4year st#nt o% 'ork#ng : to : hours a 'eek %or a la' %#r! try#ng to "!ake (artner." A%ter you hae (roen through !any add#t#onal tr#als that you hae learned to k#ss ass #n all c#rcu!stances you !ay !ake (artner. By the t#!e you !ake (artner you are a 'ork4
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ahol#c so you kee( u( the (ace out o% hab#t but also because you don+t kno' 'hat #n the hell else to do #n l#%e but 'ork and count (r#nc#(les. *h#s #s the grou( %ro! 'h#ch 'e choose our (ol#t#cal re(resentat#es. *h#s #s 'here /udges co!e %ro!. *hough the learned d#sease o% !oral#s! #s ra!(ant #n all (ro%ess#ons the !#ddle4aged la'yer #s the ?u#ntessent#al (rototy(e %or th#s d#sease. a'yers are the best re(resentat#es o% the 'ay (eo(le are today. *hey are the !#nd o% our culture. One o% the th#ngs that hel(s th#s d#sease o% !oral hyste4 r#a to (rogress #s detach!ent %ro! #dent#%#cat#on o% ourseles as our e3(er#ence. Hard (hys#cal 'ork %or the sake o% sur#al used to kee( !ore (eo(le #n touch '#th the 'orld o% be#ng. As l#%e beco!es less to#l and !ore th#nk#ng and (roble!4 sol#ng there #s less o((ortun#ty to hae one+s attent#on called %orth %ro! the !#nd by !ore #!!ed#ate de!ands o% sur#al on a day4to4day bas#s. *he ga( created by lack o% ground#ng #n our e3(er#ence leaes us de(endent on #deas (r#nc#(les rules alues and #!ag#nat#on as our (r#!ary !odes o% or#entat#on. *hese #deas and alues are t#ghtly held #n the sa!e 'ay an adolescent gras(s onto roles 'hen he /o#ns a gang or beco!es a 0hr#st#an or a Hare 6r#shna or %alls #n loe and gets !arr#ed #n h#gh school. )#thout roles and rules 'e %ear 'e '#ll lose control o% ourseles. )e '#ll go cra5y. )e '#ll lose our !#nds. *he !ore #ntensely these rules and roles are de%ended the %urther re!oed %ro! ground#ng #n e3(er#ence the #nd##dual beco!es. A%ter enough (ract#ce at role4(lay#ng and #deal#s! our 'hole 'ay o% or#ent#ng ourseles ! the 'orld de(ends on $rinci$les of orientation rather than on the ability to res$ond as 7
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needed based on 'hat 'e (erce#e. *h#s !oral#s! th#s 'eb o% entra(!ent o% hu!an al#eness #s a cr#((l#ng d#sease. )e all hae #t. It #s ter!#nal. It cannot be cured. It+s a hell o% a lot 'orse than her(es. It #s as deadly as AIDS. It #s #n our schools. It #s #n our !#nds. It #s #n the bloodstrea! o% our culture. It #s #n th#s book. So!et#!es I rece#e letters %ro! (eo(le 'ho hae heard that I a! an e3(ert #n stress !anage!ent. *hey ask !e to suggest 'hat they can do about stress and ar#ous (sychoso4 !at#c d#sorders. *hey 'ant reco!!endat#ons about ho' to behae and 'hat to do. I kno' 'hen I 'r#te back that 'hat4 eer I tell the! (robably 'on+t 'ork. )hateer ad#ce I g#e the! '#ll be used as another (r#nc#(le to beat the!seles oer the head '#th 'h#ch #s 'hat caused the (roble! #n the %#rst (lace. 2oral#sts 'ho read about 'ays to beat stress only !ake those 'ays #nto ne' rules '#th 'h#ch to o((ress the!4 seles. Peo(le 'ho try to take a sh#t at @:: a! (rec#sely eery day 'hether they need to or not are d#%%erent %ro! (e o(le 'ho take a sh#t 'hen they %eel l#ke they need to. $. Edgar Hooer d#ed o% a(o(le3y. 2aybe he (o((ed a blood essel #n r#ghteous #nd#gnat#on. I l#ke to #!ag#ne he 'as read4 #ng a book on stress !anage!ent at the t#!e. +ield Inde,endence ersus +ield De(endence A nu!ber o% e3(er#!ents #n the (ast th#rty years hae
been des#gned to study 'hat (sycholog#sts call "F#eld De(en4 dence" and "F#eld Inde(endence." I!ag#ne th#s scene@ A (erson #s seated #n a darkened roo!. *en %eet #n %ront o% th#s (erson -the sub/ect stands another (erson hold#ng a lu!#nescent s?uare %ra!e sur4
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round#ng a lu!#nescent stra#ght rod. *he roo! #s darkenedJ all the sub/ect can see #s the %ra!e and the rod. Both the %ra!e and the rod are !ounted on an a3le so they !ay each be rotated #n both d#rect#ons. *he (erson hold#ng the %ra!e and rod rotates both at rando! %or a 'h#le. *he %ra!e #s sto((ed and the rod con4 t#nues !o#ng %or a 'h#le. *he (erson hold#ng the rod and %ra!e then says to the sub/ect "*ell !e 'hen the rod #s stra#ght u( and do'n the sa!e as the 'alls outs#de." So!e (eo(le '#ll !ake the rod stra#ght u( and do'n by us#ng the s?uare as a %ra!e of re%erence. *hese (eo(le are called "%#eld de(endent" because they de(end on the conte3t or %#eld (ro#ded by the %ra!e to /udge 'hen the rod #s (er(end#cular. Other (eo(le l#ne the rod stra#ght u( and do'n '#th regard to the#r o'n bod#es. *hese (eo(le are called "%#eld #nde(endent" because they o(erate #nde(endent o% the s?uare as a %ra!e o% re%erence. Another ar#at#on o% th#s e3(er#!ent has the sub/ect stra((ed #nto a t#lt#ng cha#r #ns#de a roo! that t#lts. 2otors t#lt both the roo! and cha#r and sto( at so!e (o#nt at ran4 do!. *he sub/ect #s #nstructed to g#e erbal #nstruct#ons to the o(erator o% the !otor that !oes the cha#r to !ake h#!4 sel% l#ne u( stra#ght. F#eld de(endent sub/ects '#ll tolerate u( to a << degree angle o% t#lt and '#ll say they are al#gned '#th the 'alls outs#de as long as they are tilted in the same direction as
the room& #ke those 'ho de(end on the %ra!e to /udge the
angle o% the rod these %#eld de(endent (eo(le de(end on the t#lt o% the roo! to ad/ust the t#lt o% the cha#r #n 'h#ch they
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s#t een though the#r o'n bod#es are tell#ng the! they are not s#tt#ng u(r#ght. *here #s %urther research that de!onstrates that %#eld de4 (endence #s correlated '#th soc#al de(endence. F#eld de(en4 dent soc#ally de(endent (eo(le take the#r cues %ro! e3ternal %ra!es o% re%erence. F#eld #nde(endence #s correlated '#th soc#al #nde(endence and '#th creat##ty. Art#sts tend to be %#eld #nde(endent. *hose 'ho learn to de(end on rules rather than the seats o% the#r (ants l#ke la'yers tend to be %#eld de(endent. 0athol#c (aroch#al school #s an e3cellent !ethod %or the acco!(l#sh!ent o% %#eld de(endence. Paro4 ch#al school students l#ke la' students !ake better shee( than (eo(le. 0athol#c educat#on and la' schools (ro#de !e '#th a lot o% !#serable (eo(le as (sychothera(y cl#ents. I should be grate%ul. *hese (eo(le are look#ng %or rescue %ro! the#r educat#on. *he (roble! #s they all 'ant !e to tell the! 'hat to do so they ca n try hard to do #t be better 7:
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than anyone else at #t and get good grades so God '#ll loe the!. De(end#ng on an e3ternal %ra!e o% re%erence %or soc#al or#entat#on leads you to try to !an#(ulate other (eo(le to get 'hat you 'ant rather than gett#ng #t on your o'n. )hat the 'ell4tra#ned %#eld4de(endent cl#ent usually does #s try to con the thera(#st #nto tell#ng h#! to do 'hat he already 'ants to do,but #s a%ra#d o% %a#l#ng and gett#ng bla!ed %or,so #% he %a#ls he can bla!e the author#ty 'ho told h#! to do #t. Fr#t5 Perls sa#d #n 7C9= "Pr#nc#(les are subst#tutes %or an #nde(endent outlook. *he o'ner 'ould be lost #n the ocean o% eents #% he 'ere not able to or#ent h#!sel% by these %#3ed bear#ngs. sually he #s een (roud o% the! and does not regard the! as 'eaknesses but as a source o% strength. He hangs on to the! because o% the #nsu%%#c#ency o% h#s o'n #nde(endent /udg!ent."< )e are all a%ra#d to g#e u( our !oral#s!. )e are a%ra#d that #% 'e do 'e '#ll go out o% control. )e !#ght do so!e4 th#ng bad or b#5arre or cra5y. )e !#ght go out o% our !#nds. Er#k Er#kson #n the b#ogra(hy Young Man Luther, s(eculates that@ "So!e day !aybe there '#ll e3#st a 'ell4 #n%or!ed 'ell cons#dered and yet %erent (ubl#c con#ct#on that the !ost deadly o% all (oss#ble s#ns #s the !ut#lat#on o% a ch#ld+s s(#r#tJ %or such !ut#lat#on undercuts the l#%e (r#nc#(le o% trust '#thout 'h#ch eery hu!an act !ay #t %eel eer so good and see! eer so r#ght #s (rone to (erers#on by de4 struct#e %or!s o% conscientiousness e!(has#s !#neV."9 !hen we ta5e innocent and o$en children and train them to be moralists, we train them at one and the same time to be liars& 11
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2oral#s! and ly#ng go hand #n hand. Be#ng "good" and "look#ng good" consc#ent#ously alued lead d#rectly to ly4 #ng. I% you can %ool the nuns #nto bel#e#ng you are good l#ke they 'ant you to be you can secretly do 'hat you 'ant. 2oral #nstruct#on str#ngently #!(osed tears ch#ldren loose %ro! the#r ground#ng #n e3(er#ence %ro! the#r trust o% the 'orld based on /ust be#ng here and !akes the! #nto consc#4 ent#ous su%%er#ng torturers o% the ne3t generat#on. In Er#k4 son+s 'ords "*he ch#ld %orced out o% %ear to (retend that he #s better 'hen seen than 'hen unseen #s le%t to ant#c#(ate the day 'hen he '#ll hae the brute (o'er to !ake others !ore !oral than he eer #ntends to be h#!sel%."8 *he death4gr#( '#th 'h#ch one holds on to (r#nc#(les #s a source o% unha((#ness and anger. ")e can !ake a !oral resole that (eo(le should let u( on the!seles and other (eo(le but that #s /ust !ore #!(otent !oral#s!. I% !oral#s! #s as co!!on and #n%luent#al #n our soc#ety as I hae descr#bed ho' !#ght one use the d#sease *hat #s #nstead o% atte!(t#ng to cure #t ho' could 'e !anage #t and deal creat#ely '#th #ts use Managing the d#sease o% !oral#s! #s done by telling the truth l#ke ch#ldren do be%ore they lose the#r #nnocence. I hae th#s d#sease. I 'ant to use #t rather than be used by #t. Ho' can I not /ust manage !y cr#t#cal sel%4/udg!ental !ean4to4those4closest4to4!e sel% but use #t to be ha((y (roduct#e and al#e 2y cl#ents and %r#ends and I hae been ha#ng success #n !anag#ng !oral#s! by tell#ng the truth. *he scary th#ng #s that no one else can (red#ct 'hat '#ll ha((en to you #% you atte!(t to let u( on your !oral#s!. Only you can d#scoer that by abandon#ng the (rotect#on o% 12
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your !oral#s! #n so!e 'ay. *ak#ng that r#sk #s !o#ng to'ard #nde(endence. Sel%4rel#ance #s %#eld #nde(endence. 2oral hyster#a #s %#eld de(endence. In the 'ork I do the !ost #nterest#ng ?uest#ons are@ 0an so!eone 'ho has learned to be %#eld de4 (endent and soc#ally de(endent learn #nde(endence 0an !oral#s! be trans%or!ed %ro! a l#%e4threaten#ng d#sease to a !anaged one *he ans'er to both ?uest#ons #s ";es",#% the (erson #s '#ll#ng to tell the truth.
&-
*HE FIRS* *R*H ;The world is my womb, and my mother
)
e gradually beg#n to th#nk o% ourseles #n the course o% gro'#ng u( as (ersonal#t#es !ade u( o% all the lessons 'e hae learned. Our hard4 earned lessons count hea#ly #n our cons#derat#on o% 'ho 'e are. )e co!(l#cate our l#es by hold#ng on to these hard4 earned lessons long a%ter they hae outl#ed the#r use%ulness. *ake %or e3a!(le the ch#ld 'ho learns to (ers#stently beg h#s !other #n a 'h#ny o#ce %#rst %or cook#es and later %or the keys to the car. S#nce #t 'orked '#th 2o! and s#nce Dad le%t !ost o% that u( to 2o! he kee(s us#ng 'hat 'orks. At age 9: he !ay st#ll be treat#ng h#s th#rd '#%e the sa!e 'ay '#thout ha#ng gotten those sa!e results %or years. *he !#nd doesn+t l#ke to change #tsel% #n the %ace o% ne' #n%or!at#on. essons learned and held on to #n th#s %ash#on !ake u( the (ersonal#ty to 'h#ch 'e are shackled. *h#s !akes l#%e harder than #t has to be. *he 'ay out o% th#s su%%er#ng #s to e3(and 'ho 'e cons#der ourseles to be. )e !ust return to be#ng !ore than 79
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the (ersonal#t#es 'e hae shrunk to dur#ng the course o% gro'#ng u(. By the t#!e 'e are old enough to r#de a b#ke 'e are (ersonal#t#es. In the course o% learn#ng to be (ersonal#t#es 'e %orget so!eth#ng 'e kne' be%ore 'e had any ested #nterest #n beha#ng cons#stently@ that #s the co!!on sense o% un#ty #n the 'o!b be%ore 'e kne' 'e e3#sted. *hese are !y bas#c (re!#ses about ho' 'e all began@ the earth ha((ened by chance and che!#stry brought us to be. A%ter a long (er#od o% eolut#on you and I sho'ed u(. A%ter about the %#rst %our or %#e !onths #n the 'o!b 'e had our %#rst e3(er#ence o% be#ng@ a da'n#ng o% consc#ous4 ness. *he %#rst e3(er#ence 'e all had 'as 'hen l#%e ca!e on. Da'n see!s to be the best !eta(hor %or th#s. Da'n ha((ens #n a slo' and al!ost #nd#st#ngu#shable 'ay a long t#!e be4 %ore sunr#se. *he l#ght o% l#%e ca!e on %or us #n the sa!e 'ay a long t#!e be%ore b#rth. *he H#ndus call consc#ousness the l#ght that enl#ghtens the l#ght or the l#ght that allo's us to see l#ght. In the 'o!b #s 'here th#s l#ght our consc#ous4 ness %#rst occurred. For the %#rst t#!e 'e e3(er#enced e%$eri ence itself& It ha((ened l#ke da'n 'here the gradual accu!ulat#on o% l#ght !akes #t #!(oss#ble to say 'hen day has ha((ened but suddenly #t #s there. *hat #s 'e were our e3(e4 r#ence. *he %etus !atured unt#l the '#r#ng 'as co!(lete and suddenly e3(er#enc#ng was& )hat 'e 'ere #n the 'o!b 'as a un#ty o% e3(er#enc#ng. *h#s un#ty o% e3(er#ence 'ent on %or an etern#ty. In our t#!e the t#!e 'e kno' about no' #t 'as %our or %#e !onths. Then #t 'as an etern#ty. *hen #t was etern#ty. )e 78
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neer %orget that t#!e but 'e hae no 'ay o% re!e!ber#ng #t ! a 'ay 'e can descr#be. It #s #nde%#nable unre!e!ber4 able #n any gras(able 'ay. ll religions, gods, meta$hysics, theologies, $hiloso$hies, and teachings of masters of all faiths are attem$ts to remember these eternal months $ast, this lost sense of unity&
S#nce the beg#nn#ng o% hu!an h#story (r#ests hae been try#ng to (ut th#s sense o% un#ty #nto 'ords try#ng to co!4 !un#cate about the #ne%%able. *hey kne' so!eth#ng 'as there but d#dn+t kno' ho' to talk about #t yet couldn+t res#st try#ng. And the !ore they talked the !ore con%us#on arose bet'een the atte!(t to de%#ne un#ty and the actual e3(er#ence o% un#ty. As a result o% our #nab#l#ty to (ut #t #nto 'ords th#s e3(er#ence o% oneness a co!!on(lace e3(er#4 ence has beco!e h#ghly oerrated. Enl#ghten!ent #s 5nowing un#ty not be#ng able to talk about #t. *he $hiloso$hy o% enl#ghten!ent #s talk#ng about or try#ng to descr#be the e3(er#ence o% un#ty. n#ty #s the nature o% th#ngs. 1t doesn+t take any 'ork. It #s the g#en. )e are each creators o% the un#erse out o% our o'n be#ng. )hat #s g#en us to e3(er#ence #s a un#ty '#th#n 'h#ch 'e !ake d#st#nct#ons. *he sound 'e hear 'hen our ears are sto((ed u( #s the electr#cal generator o% un#ty. )hen our eyes are closed the darkness 'e see #s the generator o% un#ty. )hen our eyes are o(en 'hateer 'e see #s 'ho 'e actually are. As 6r#shna!urt# says "you are the 'orld."7 Fro! the !o!ent l#%e starts the being 'e are con4 stantly creates the 'orld '#th #ts senses. *he 'orld gro's and the !#nd gro's out o% th#s un#ty. *he 'orld #s created %or us out o% our %unda!ental e?u#(!ent,our be#ng. )e are constantly creat#ng the 'orld by !erely (erce#4 7=
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#ng. )hen 'e hear 'e are creat#ng sound. )hen 'e see 'e are creat#ng 'hat #s seen #n our #sual corte3. )hen 'e #nte4 grate s#ght sound s!ell touch balance !oe!ent etc. our #noluntary nerous syste! creates the 'orld. )hen 'e d#e %or all (ract#cal (ur(oses the 'orld ends. )e are neer4 theless each creators o% the 'orld. But s#nce 'e do #t e%%ort4 lessly and eerybody does #t #t doesn+t count %or !uch #n our cons#derat#ons o% 'ho 'e are. sually 'e cons#der creat4 #ng meaning to be !ore #!(ortant than creat#ng the 'orld. )e take %or granted our %unct#on as creators o% the 'orld and %ocus !uch !ore attent#on on creat#ng !ean#ng. )e are (re4 occu(#ed '#th the (o'er o% #nter(retat#on. )e are !uch !ore #nterested #n. our un#?ueness der#ed %ro! 'hat 'e hae 'orked to learn than #n the source o% our (o'er as creators. It #s our %ate as hu!an be#ngs to gras( a%ter the #ne%%able try#ng to rega#n a lost sense o% un#ty. Een so 'hen 'e do get #n touch '#th un#ty the astness o% our be#ng %or a %e' seconds 'e usually run. )e %eel as #% 'e are about to lose so!eth#ng. )e are. )e are about to lose the (rotect#on and sa%ety o% the l#!#ted de%#n#t#on o% sel% 'e hae co!e to thin5 'e are. )e are a%ra#d o% los#ng 'ho 'e th#nk 'e are 'h#ch #s s(ec#al and 'e are a%ra#d o% beco!#ng 'ho 'e actually are 'h#ch #s not s(ec#al. )hen 'e beco!e a'are o% ourseles as #nde%#nable un4 categor#5eable s#!(le creators o% the 'orld 'e lose all cer4 ta#nty. Be#ng (resent to the #!!ed#ate !o!ent4to4!o!ent (ass#ng o% the 'orld the %rag#l#ty o% our o'n be#ng and the relat#e un#!(ortance o% the (ersonal#ty 'e th#nk 'e are #s a terr#%y#ng e3(er#ence. Be#ng %ully a'are o% our eer4(resent 17
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eer4chang#ng e3#stence thro's us #nto the sa!e #ne%%able state as 'hen the l#ght ca!e on 'h#le 'e 'ere unsee#ng #n the 'o!b. S#!ultaneous a'areness o% the l#%e o% be#ng and the lesser #!(ortance o% the (ersonal#ty to 'h#ch 'e hae beco!e attached #s a second enl#ghten!ent that co!es to all hu!ans 'ho gro' u( beyond the stage o% adolescence. But #t %eels l#ke dy#ng. *o ao#d the trau!a o% #t the great !a/or#ty o% us re!a#n adolescents unt#l the end o% our l#es. *h#s #s not a !#nor (h#loso(h#cal (o#nt. *h#s #s the heart o% the !atter. 2ost o% us 'ould rather k#ll ourseles than be, (art#cularly #% 'ho 'e th#nk 'e are kee(s dy#ng. 2any o% us do. The Bi#%h of Bein) Go back %or a !o!ent #n your #!ag#nat#on and !e!4
ory to the beg#nn#ng@ there are sounds l#ke #ntest#nes ru!4 bl#ng sensat#ons are st#rr#ng and there #s a ague sense o% !oe!ent and other sounds l#ke dol(h#ns call#ng to each other under the sea. In th#s beg#nn#ng there #s no see#ng thus no dark. *o the unborn there #s no kno'ledge o% dark4 ness because there #s no l#ght and no !#nd to contrast dark and l#ght. E3(er#ences #n th#s unsee#ng 'orld beg#n to %or! the !#nd. Here #n a "background" 'h#ch #s all that 'e are 'h#ch lasts ho'eer long 'e do 'e are our beg#nn#ng. ;ou can go back here anyt#!e you l#ke. 7 o%ten do 'hen I !ed#tate. 2uch later a true etern#ty later the e3(er#ences o% b#rth l#ght a#r breath#ng and (a#n %lood the be#ng. *he !#nd #s born out o% th#s ocean o% e3(er#ence, be%ore and a%ter b#rth. Een a%ter seen !onths #n the 'o!b
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the unborn baby #s ca(able o% learn#ng to res(ond #n a (re4 d#ctable %ash#on to outs#de st#!ul# such as sound. aboratory e3(er#!ents hae %ound that a seen4!onth4old %etus '#ll react to an electr#cal shock to the !other+s 'o!b '#th a %ull contract#on. )hen th#s shock #s a((l#ed along '#th a loud sound the %etus #s cond#t#oned a%ter only a %e' tr#als to go #nto a %ull contract#on at the loud sound '#thout any elec%#i cal shock. An assoc#at#on bet'een the sound and shock #s !adeJ there%ore learn#ng has occurred. So no' 'e kno' -thanks to e#l sc#ent#sts 'ho hae tortured %etuses #n th#s !anner that the !#nd beg#ns to %or! %ro! assoc#at#ons bet'een ebbs and %lo's #n the ocean o% e3(er#ence (r#or to b#rth. *h#s grou(#ng o% re(l#cated e3(er#ences beg#ns to %or! the !#nd. So!et#!e shortly a%ter b#rth 'e de!arcate a l#ttle area a s!aller sea %ro! our ocean o% e3(er#ence. Our !other+s brea st our !other our hand our body our clothes our bed our roo! get d#st#ngu#shed %or us. )e beco!e a sea o% suggest#ons. )e gro' u( all the rest o% the 'ay surrounded and (rotected by th#s e3(and#ng sea o% suggest#ons and een4 tually thousands o% re%#ne!ents later a grou( o% suggest#ons beco!es 'ho 'e thin5 'e are. )ho 'e actually are o% course re!a#ns al'ays !ore than the !ental #!ages 'e %or! 'h#le gro'#ng u(. F#rst 'e are the e3(er#encer o% 'hat #s !o!entar#ly (resentJ second 'e are the !ult#4sensory recorder o% e3(er#enceJ last and less #!(ortantly 'e are the re!e!berer. ater 'e are !ost %o4 cused on re!e!ber#ng our o'n re(utat#ons. But 'ho 'e al'ays really are %ro! the beg#nn#ng #s a conte3t a (aren4 thes#s a be#ng 'ho creates the 'orld %or #tsel% by sens#ng. )e 19
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are the Be#ng 'ho #s the source o% be#ng and re!e!ber#ng. Re4contact#ng that bas#c beg#nn#ng electr#cal sensate sel% res4 cues us %ro! the !#nd,the !urderer and (otent#al ally '#th#n. /e%%in) Bo#n A)ain As you !ay recall 'e hae a lot to deal '#th #n order to gro' u( all the 'ay to adulthood. A%ter %or!#ng a (ersonal4
#ty and los#ng touch '#th the 'holeness o% be#ng 'e then red#scoer 'holeness but e3(er#ence #t as a threat to our (ersonal#ty. Personal#ty can eentually be #ncluded #n the 'holeness o% be#ng but not '#thout so!e hard 'ork that re?u#res courage and takes a 'h#le. It #s a (rocess o% d#s#nte4 grat#on and re#ntegrat#on. So!e (eo(le call #t dy#ng and get4 t#ng born aga#n. *he creator be#ng #s the be#ng that ca!e al#e #n the 'o!b at about %our or %#e !onths a%ter conce(t#on 'hen the '#r#ng 'as co!(lete and the l#ght ca!e on. )e %orget th#s be#ng rather ?u#ckly. In /ust a %e' years 'e are so sur4 rounded by our creat#on the sea o% suggest#ons 'e can hardly touch or taste or s!ell or %eel or see the ocean o% e3(er#ence that st#ll surrounds us. )e %orget 'e l#e #n a sea that #s a (art o% an ocean at all. )e %orget 'e are the source o% the 'hole ocean. Gett#ng born aga#n #s re!e!ber#ng that. *o su!!ar#5e@ 'e a'aken #n the 'o!b #nto an ocean o% e3(er#ence. Oer a long (er#od o% t#!e that ocean o% e3(er#ence beco!es a sea o% suggest#ons. )e lose track o% the ocean o% e3(er#ence. )e lose track o% ha#ng created the sea. A%ter 'e hae lost track o% eeryth#ng su%%#c#ently 'e cont#nue to #nteract '#th the sea and create a sel%. )hat 'e 20
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call the "sel%" #s a creat#on o% %urther #nteract#ons o% the sea o% suggest#ons. *he be#ng 'e 'ere 'hen 'e began the be4 #ng 'e actually st#ll are al#e #n an ocean o% e3(er#ence #nclud#ng all the ocean as #tsel% recedes to the background o% our attent#on and the "sel%" 'e hae created co!es to the %oreground. As 'e #dent#%y '#th our ne'ly created sel% 'e lose touch '#th the be#ng 'e are and hae been s#nce the l#ght ca!e on. All rel#g#ous e3(er#ences can be accounted %or by a k#nd o% yearn#ng to reca(ture co!(letely the %our4to4n#ne !onth t#!e4la(se (hotogra(h o% be#ng 'e deelo(ed #n that eternal t#!e #n the 'o!b. A k#nd o% %used !ult#4sensory record#ng !ade be%ore our senses the!seles 'ere d#st#nct be%ore b#rth res#des #n each o% our !e!or#esJ a re!e!brance o% un#ty. *h#s und#st#ngu#shed un#ty lasts so!e t#!e (ast b#rth unt#l the baby breaks the 'orld #nto t'o (#eces '#th #ts %#rst conce(t#on based on re(l#cated eents. *hat %#rst conce(t#on !ay hae co!e a%ter be#ng %ed at !other+s breast !any t#!es. At so!e (o#nt the !e!ory o% (re#ous eents o% 'ar!th !#lk cuddl#ng suck#ng s'allo'#ng beco!es d#st#ngu#shed %ro! all other !e!or#es and the baby cr#es to be %ed. At that (o#nt #% the baby gets %ed and re!e!bers #t the ne3t t#!e the baby #s hungry and cr#es aga#n he or she enters t#!e and a l#%e o% #ncreas#ng d#st#nct#ons. *he global 'orld o% e3(er#4 ence beco!es d##ded #nto "%eed#ng eents" and "non%eed4 #ng eents." *he un#ty 'e all search %or the (eace that (asseth understand#ng and the looked4%or'ard4to heaen and reun#on '#th God #s a ague but all4(eras#e !e!ory o% a t#!e o% bl#ss yearn#ngly re!e!bered %ro! the (ast and long#ngly (ro/ected %or'ard to the %uture. 7
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*h#s yearn#ng %or so!eth#ng chat can+t ?u#te be re!e!4 bered #n the 'ay 'e usually re!e!ber #s constantly tr#ggered by the eer4(resent background e3(er#ence o% be#ng. )hen 'e close our eyes and coer our ears 'e can hear our o'n heartbeat and hu!. It st#!ulates re!e!brances o% t#!es (ast that can+t be conce(tual#5ed. Fro! thee 'e co!e. *o thee 'e go. *here #s a Men story about t'o %#shes argu#ng about the e3#stence o% the ocean. *he %#rst %#sh says "It+s all around you. ;ou are surrounded by #t. ;ou are surrounded by 'ater. ;ou hae l#ed #n 'ater all o% your l#%e." "Sho' !e1 Proe #t1 )here #s th#s ocean" the second %#sh de!ands. *h#s d#%%#4 culty #n be#ng a'are o% the (er(etual cont#nuous taken4%or4 granted sustenance o% be#ng #s that #t has been there s#nce the l#ght %#rst ca!e on. )e hae noth#ng '#th 'h#ch to co!(are #tJ no !easure o% #ts e3#stence. *he eer4(resent ocean o% e3(er#ence has no #ns#de or outs#de. Ins#de us and outs#de us are both #ns#de us. )ho 'e are #s the Be#ng '#th#n 'h#ch occurs that e3(er#ence 'e call "#ns#de our body" and that e3(er#ence 'e call "outs#de our body." 2ore accurately 'e are the #ns#de and outs#de e3(e4 r#ence #tsel% ha((en#ng. )e learn "#ns#de" and "outs#de" an etern#ty a%ter the l#ght %#rst co!es on -because then 'e had no conce(t o% t#!e and years a%ter 'e are born. -It takes an. etern#ty (lus a cou(le o% years be%ore our !#nds d#st#ngu#sh "#ns#de" and "outs#de." *he !#nd #s the sea o% suggest#ons 'e learned as 'e gre'. *he !#nd #s born out o% the #nde%#nable ocean o% e34 (er#ence 'e %#rst 'ere and st#ll are. *he sea o% suggest#ons 'e co!e to thin5 'e are as (ersonal#t#es #s #tsel% #n a larger ocean 22
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l#ke the or#g#nal ocean o% e3(er#ence currently obscured by the sea o% suggest#ons 'e cons#der ourseles to be. *o be whole, 'e !ust recontact the be#ng 'e are and 'ere and eer!ore shall be unt#l the end o% each o% our t#!es. *hat be#ng #s the creator be#ng,the background hu! that kee(s us cook#ng the bas#c c#rcu#t board the basel#ne bu55. *he cogn#t#e %acult#es o% the !#nd are a secondary deelo(!ent %or steer#ng not the (r#!ary dr##ng %orce o% l#%e. 2#nds are deelo(ed and lead us a'ay %ro! the e3(er#4 ence o% be#ng and rel#g#ous (ract#ces 'ere deelo(ed to get us back to #t. All rel#g#ons 'ere deelo(ed to hel( us get back ho!e to the hu! 'e started '#th. 2ed#tat#on s#tt#ng ?u#etly unt#l the !#nd settles do'n br#ngs a sense o% 'holeness. I bel#ee the (r#!ary alue o% !ed#tat#on #s that 'h#le !ed#tat#ng 'e reun#%y the !e!ory o% our %#rst sense o% be#ng '#th our current breath#ng heart4 beat#ng sensate (resent4tense e3(er#ence o% be#ng. Be#ng a l##ng be#ng "kno'#ng" #n our bones that 'e hae been be#ng %or so!e t#!e #s the heart o% 'ho each o% us #s. !e are beings alive behind the mas5 of $ersonality& S#tt#ng #n the Mendo -a (lace o% !ed#tat#on that #s 'hat 'e %#nd 'hen 'e let ourseles be. 2ar#lyn Ferguson %or years the ed#tor o% 4rain.Mind !aga5#ne and author o% The 7uarian -ons$iracy, says "*hose 'ho 'ant d#rect kno'ledge the !yst#cs hae al'ays been treated !ore or less as heret#cs. . . . &o' the heret#cs are ga#n#ng ground doctr#ne #s los#ng #ts author#ty and kno'ledge #s su(ersed#ng bel#e%." 2yst#cs are (eo(le 'ho red#scoer e3(er#ence. Bel#e% #s the sea o% suggest#ons about 'ho 'e th#nk 'e are. *he (ath %ro! doctr#ne to kno'ledge 23
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#s a deelo(!ent beyond doctr#ne. Psychothera(y 'as #n4 ented to try to kee( body and soul together,to hel( us to not !#nd be#ng all the t#!e and to not be !#nd#ng all the t#!e. In the course o% gro'#ng to adult s#5e 'e all hae to learn the roles and rules. In order to do th#s 'e %orget sub4 su!e take %or granted #gnore or dro( consc#ousness o% our essent#al be#ng. *he (ath to the good l#%e leads on %urther than ch#ldhood !oral#s! but a lot of (eo(le don+t go that %ar. *he (ath %ro! doctr#ne to heresy #s a natural gro'th,a natural eolut#on,a trans#t#on %ro! one leel o% !atur#ty to another. ery %e' o% us stay on the (ath ho'eer because 'e get so da!aged by those 'ho teach us the doctr#ne. )e beco!e so %#lled '#th hate and so e!bro#led #n argu!ents and entangled #n the 'ebs o% our !#nds that 'e sto( gro'4 #ng. )#th rare e3ce(t#ons u( unt#l and #nclud#ng the (resent t#!e #n h#story th#s has been the case %or all hu!an be #ngs. )e can no longer a%%ord the lu3ury o% 'a#t#ng %or 'hat !#ght naturally eole oer t#!e@ a 'ay to not da!age all the ch#ldren so badly. )e are #n danger o% da!ag#ng ourseles to death. *he (roble! %or!erly ser#ous has beco!e cr#t#cal. *he sent#!ental #deal#st#c ro!ant#c#s! o% dee(ly %elt rel#4 g#ous bel#e% though res(ons#ble %or the su%%er#ng o% !#ll#ons 'as relat#ely har!less unt#l 'e deelo(ed hydrogen bo!bs and other 'o r#d4 threaten#ng technology. )e can no longer a%%ord to s#t around #n grou(s together to #ndulge #n a tear%ul re!e!ber#ng %or'ard o% a %orgotten ho(ed4%or sense o% un#ty at the d#rect#on o% ar#ous (r#ests and (atrol!en 'ho 'ould hae us gear u( to attack other grou(s do#ng the sa!e th#ng. )e !ust gro' beyond 'here hu!an be#ngs 'ere %or 24
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all o% those years o% recall#ng and ho(#ng %or (arad#se. Because o% the ar#ous doo!sday scenar#os %or the %ate o% the earth 'e !ust !ake a sudden adance #n consc#ousness or (er#sh. nless !ore hu!an be#ngs e3(and 'ho they cons#der the!4 seles to be by re4#nclud#ng 'hat they e3cluded 'hen they gre' a (ersonal#ty,unless !ore o% us gro' beyond the #g4 norant (ro#nc#al#s! o% adolescent !oral#5#ng,the ga!e #s oer. #ke rats beh#nd the P#ed P#(er 'e '#ll %ollo' our leaders o%% the cl#%% and back #nto the sea %oreer.
25
PART II
The Mind
*HE BEI&G BE0O2ES DO2I&A*ED B; *HE 2I&D ;-hildren guessed Cbut only a fewD and down they forgot as u$ they grew & & &; , e &e& cummings
0
h#ldren lose the#r #nnocence %ro! be#ng re(eatedly hurt #n the natural course o% l#%e een #% they do not hae abus#e (arents. I% the adults 'ho surround a ch#ld are #ntent on teaching the! the o(en #nnocence o% ch#ldhood #s een !ore ?u#ckly obl#terated. Hatred #s (assed on %ro! generat#on to generat#on through 'hat 'e teach ch#ldren "%or the#r o'n good." *he sur#al and (rogress o% !ank#nd has occurred through the learn#ng o% l#ttle ch#ldren. *he bra#n'ash#ng that hu!an acculturat#on #s concern#ng 'ho 'e are and ho' 'e should behae gets trans!#tted to the ne' !e!ber #n a culture as he or she gro's %ro! b#rth to adolescence. 2ost o% th#s occurs unth#nk#ngly. )e /ust so!eho' kno' ho' to ra#se our k#ds and 'hat 'e should teach the! based on our !e!or#es o% ho' 'e 'ere ra#sed. Our resoles to be l#ke or not l#ke our (arents or to hae our k#ds turn out l#ke us or not l#ke us hae ery l#ttle to do '#th the %ull cultural (rogra!!#ng. 29
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It #s #n the nature o% hu!an be#ngs to learn to abstract and general#5e !ore and !ore as they gro' older. In any grou( o% (eo(le !#nds gro' that 'ay. *he grou( encour4 ages and su((orts certa#n (ers(ect#es and that #s 'hat a culture #s. *he !ore %orce%ully certa#n (o#nts o% #e' are #nculcated by any g#en set o% (arents and other teachers the !ore hatred #s bu#lt #nto the character structure o% the accul4 turated #nd##dual 'ho then (asses the taboos and resent4 !ent on to the ne3t generat#on. Parents out o% a con%used !#3ture o% %ear loe and an4 ger try to care %or ch#ldren the best they can us#ng the !#nd4sets they hae been g#en by the#r o'n (arents. *hey constantly 'arn the#r ch#ldren to be care%ul do th#s don+t do that and 'atch out %or a dangerous 'orld. *he results %or !#ll#ons o% us hae been trag#c. )e hae been taught to be (arano#d and guarded #n l#%e as our (arents+ 'ay o% try#ng to ensure our sur#al a%ter they are gone. In turn 'e atte!(t to con#nce our o'n ch#ldren o% the correctness o% bel#e#ng #n the rules o% sa%ety so that they '#ll act accord#ng to the (r#nc#(les 'e teach the!. )e teach the! ho' to be good accord#ng to our !orals then to bel#ee #n !oral#s! then to !oral#5e. It+s #!(ortant to us to str#ngently d#ctate (rotect#e rules and to #nst#ll %a#th #n the necess#ty o% rules %or control o% sel% and others. In our (resent culture 'e are chang#ng our !#nds a l#ttle b#t about the use o% rules. *he change #s ery d#%%#cult %or us. I hae been '#tness#ng the beg#nn#ngs o% th#s change and later on #n th#s book I '#ll tell you so!e stor#es that re%lect th#s change. *h#s book #s #tsel% the result o% our culture slo'ly chang#ng #ts collect#e !#nd. 30
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Ho' tenac#ously ch#ldren and adolescents cl#ng to the alues bel#e%s abstract#ons and general#5at#ons that they learn de(ends on ho' d#sturbed they are at the t#!e the learn#ng occurs. *he a!ount o% d#s(laced anger gr#e% se3u4 al#ty or /oy be#ng su((ressed at that t#!e has a b#g e%%ect on both what they learn and how they learn. In any g#en cul4 ture the bra#n'ashed ones 'ho %#t #n best -la'yers and teachers assu!e !uch o% the leadersh#(. As a culture burns out or %a#ls to rene' #tsel% through change #ts educat#onal and (ol#t#cal leaders are o%ten the least creat#e !e!bers, the ones 'ho cl#ng hyster#cally to old !ethods s#!(ly be4 cause they once 'orked. *he best (eo(le #n a dy#ng culture are the outcasts cons#dered cra5y by the leadersJ the ones !ost d#s#llus#oned '#th the#r o'n culture. In ;eats+ (hrase "the best lack all con#ct#on 'h#le the 'orst are %ull o% (as4 s#onate #ntens#ty."7 Intense e!ot#onal attach!ent to any alue any #rtue any set o% "shoulds" #s a d#sease a !ental #llness a cond#t#on o% sel%4!urder and cultural assass#nat#on. Plan%in) %he Seed$ of 'o#ali$* A (#cture on the %ront (age o% the -hicago )unTimes sho's a un#%or!ed (ol#ce'o!an carry#ng a young ch#ld out
through an a(art!ent door. *he ch#ld 'ho #s about %our years old #s bru#sed and bleed#ng '#th one eye s'ollen shut. She #s reach#ng back oer the (ol#ce'o!an+s shoulder and cry#ng hyster#cally try#ng to go back to her !other 'ho has /ust beaten her so badly. *he story re(orts that the !other cla#!s to hae beaten her l#ttle g#rl because she 'as bad and that the l#ttle g#rl 'as screa!#ng 'hen she le%t "Please don+t take !e a'ay. I+ll be good1 I0ll be good1" *he (oor l#ttle 31
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th#ng (robably thought that be#ng taken a'ay %ro! her !other 'as %urther (un#sh!ent %or so!e 'ay #n 'h#ch she 'as dee(ly bad and 'rong. 0h#ldren try ery hard to do 'hat the#r (arents 'ant. 2ost o% us su%%ered a lot #n ch#ldhood %ro! bel#e#ng that so!eth#ng !ust be 'rong '#th us or our (arents 'ouldn+t be so unha((y. *he story o% th#s ch#ld+s abuse #n the )un Times #s a gra(h#c (#cture o% the k#nd o% tra( ch#ldhood #s %or !ost ch#ldren een those 'ho are not (hys#cally abused, een those 'hose (arents bel#ee they are be#ng k#nd. *he su%%er#ng o% ch#ldren abused by !oral#s! 'h#ch #s so co!4 !on as to hardly be not#ced #s based on the sa!e des(erate try#ng and 'ant#ng to (lease (arents,to sur#e and be good enough to kee( and be 'orthy o% the#r loe,d#s(layed by the l#ttle g#rl #n the (hotogra(h. 2oral#s! #s a d#sease #n 'h#ch "good" and "bad" be4 co!e !ore #!(ortant than "al#e" or "dead." *he heart o% the d#sease #s hurt and anger and %ear o% los#ng loe and hys4 ter#cal ho(e that 'e can so!eho' %#gure out ho' to be good enough to kee( hurts %ro! ha((en#ng aga#n. In th#s ?uest control #s one o% the %#rst th#ngs ch#ldren learn that they need to learn. *hat 'as /ust one o% those th#ngs 'e %ound out 'hen 'e gre' u(@ 'e needed to get control o% ourseles. But the #!(os#t#on o% control #s o%ten the source o% anger. *he #!(os#t#on o% control on anger #s the source o% een greater anger. D#s(lace!ent o% anger #n the %or! o% /udg!ents and #nternal !oral resoles results #n the ch#ld learn#ng to hate eerybody else and eentually h#!sel% as 'ell. *he gro'#ng ch#ld learns th#s as a 'ay to sur#e. 32
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6ather#ne Anne Porter+s short story The *ownward #ath to !isdom,? %ro! 'h#ch e3cer(ts %ollo' #s a %#ne e3a!(le o% the 'ay %a!#ly trad#t#ons o% hatred are stored and trans%erred and ho' hatred #s (assed on as "concern" or een "loe." The *ownward #ath to !isdom #s the story o% a ch#ld learn#ng to sur#e and (rotect h#!sel% %or the rest o% h#s l#%e. It de(#cts ho' the l#ttle sea o% cultural suggest#ons #n the teensy head o% a l#ttle o((ressed be#ng gets !ade #nto a l#%e4long (ersonal#ty. In the story %our4year4old Ste(hen 'ent to stay '#th h#s Grand!a a%ter ha#ng been abru(tly taken %ro! h#s (arents dur#ng an argu!ent #nol#ng h#!. He 'as rushed %ro! the scene o% con%l#ct by 2ar/ory h#s (arents+ !a#d and de(os#ted at Grand!a+s. A %e' days later he started school. He !et l#ttle Frances at school and 'on her %r#endsh#( by (ro#d#ng her '#th balloons that he had #nnocently %#lched %ro! h#s ncle Da#d. In th#s scene Frances and Ste(hen (lay one Saturday !orn#ng 'h#le her nurse #s#ts '#th Ste(hen+s care4 taker Old $anet. *he nurse and Old $anet sat #n Old $anet+s roo! dr#nk4 #ng co%%ee and goss#(#ng and the ch#ldren sat on the s#de (orch blo'#ng balloons. Ste(hen chose an a( (le4 colored one and Frances a (ale green one. Bet'een the! on the bench lay a tu!bled hea( o% del#ghts st#ll to co!e. "I once had a s#ler balloon" sa#d Frances "a beyoot#%ul s#ler one not round l#ke theseJ #t 'as a long one. But these are een n#cer I th#nk" she added ?u#ckly %or she d#d 'ant to be (ol#te. ")hen you get through '#th that one" sa#d Ste4 33
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(hen ga5#ng at her '#th the (ure bl#ss o% g##ng added to lo#ng "you can blo' u( a blue one and then a (#nk one and a yello' one and a (ur(le one." He (ushed the hea( o% l#!( ob/ects to'ard her. Her clear4look#ng eyes '#th %#ne l#ttle rays o% bro'n #n the! l#ke the s(okes o% a 'heel 'ere %ull o% a((roal %or Ste(hen. "I 'ouldn+t 'ant to be greedy though and blo' u( all your bal4 loons." "*here+ll be (lenty !ore le%t" sa#d Ste(hen and h#s heart rose under h#s th#n r#bs. He %elt h#s r#bs '#th h#s %#ngers and d#scoered '#th so!e sur(r#se that they sto((ed so!e'here #n %ront 'h#le Frances sat blo'#ng balloons rather hal%heartedly. *he truth 'as she 'as t#red o% balloons. A%ter you blo' s#3 or seen your chest gets hollo' and your l#(s %eel (uckery. She had been blo'#ng balloons stead#ly %or three days no'. She had begun to ho(e they 'ere g##ng out. "*here+s bo3es and bo3es !ore o% the! Frances" sa#d Ste(hen ha(4 (#ly. "2#ll#ons !ore. I guess they+d last and last #% 'e d#dn+t blo' too !any eery day." Frances sa#d so!e'hat t#!#dly "I tell you 'hat. et+s rest a'h#le and %#3 so!e l#?u#sh 'ater. Do you l#ke l#?u#sh" ";es I do" sa#d Ste(hen "but I haen+t got any." "0ouldn+t 'e buy so!e" asked Frances. "It+s only a cent a st#ck the n#ce rubbery t'#sty k#nd. )e can (ut #t #n a bottle '#th so!e 'ater and shake #t and shake #t and #t !akes %oa! on to( l#ke soda (o( and 'e can dr#nk #t. I+! k#nd o% th#rsty" she sa#d #n a s!all 'eak 34
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o#ce. "Blo'#ng balloons all the t#!e !akes you th#rsty I th#nk." Ste(hen #n s#lence real#5ed a dread%ul truth and a nu!b %eel#ng cre(t oer h#!. He d#d not hae a cent to buy a l#cor#ce %or Frances and she 'as t#red o% h#s bal4 loons. *h#s 'as the %#rst real d#s!ay o% h#s 'hole l#%e and he aged at least a year #n the ne3t !#nute huddled '#th h#s dee( ser#ous blue eyes %ocused do'n h#s nose #n #ntense s(eculat#on. )hat could he do to (lease Frances that 'ould not cost !oney Only yesterday ncle Da#d had g#en h#! a n#ckel and he had thro'n #t a'ay on gu!dro(s. He regretted that n#ckel so b#t4 terly h#s neck and %orehead 'ere da!(. He 'as th#rsty too. "I tell you 'hat" he sa#d br#ghten#ng '#th a s(lend#d #dea la!ely tra#l#ng o%% on second thought "I kno' so!eth#ng 'e can do I+ll,I . . ." "I a! th#rsty" sa#d Frances '#th gentle (ers#s4 tence. "I th#nk I +! so th#rsty !aybe I+ll hae to go ho!e." She d#d not leae the bench though but sat turn#ng her gr#eed !outh to'ard Ste(hen. Ste(hen ?u#ered '#th the terrors o% the adenture be%ore h#! but he sa#d boldly "I+ll !ake so!e le!on4 ade. I+ll get sugar and le!on and so!e #ce and 'e+ll hae le!onade." "Oh I loe le!onade" cr#ed Frances. "I+d rather hae le!onade than l#?u#sh." ";ou stay r#ght here" sa#d Ste(hen "and I+ll get eeryth#ng." He ran around the house and under Old $anet+s 35
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'#ndo' he heard the dry chatter#ng o#ces o% the t'o old 'o!en 'ho! he !ust out'#t. He sneaked on t#(4 toe to the (antry took a le!on ly#ng there by #tsel% a hand%ul o% lu!( sugar and a ch#na tea(ot s!ooth round '#th %lo'ers and leaes all oer #t. *hese he le%t on the k#tchen table 'h#le he broke a (#ece o% #ce '#th a shar( !etal (#ck he had been %orb#dden to touch. He (ut the #ce #n the (ot cut the le!on and s?uee5ed #t as 'ell as he could,a le!on 'as tougher and !ore sl#(4 (ery than he had thought,and !#3ed sugar and 'ater. He dec#ded there 'as not enough sugar so he sneaked back and took another hand%ul. He 'as back on the (orch in an aston#sh#ngly short t#!e h#s %ace t#ght h#s knees tre!bl#ng carry#ng a (#tcher '#th #ced le!onade #n #t and h#s grand!a or Old $anet !#ght 'alk through the door at any !o!ent. "0o!e on Frances" he 'h#s(ered loudly. "et+s go round to the back beh#nd the rose bushes 'here #t+s shady." Frances lea(ed u( and ran l#ke a deer bes#de h#! her %ace '#se '#th kno'ledge o% 'hy they ranJ Ste(hen ran st#%%ly cher#sh#ng h#s tea(ot '#th clenched hands. It 'as shady beh#nd the rose bushes and !uch sa%er. *hey sat s#de by s#de on the da!(#sh ground legs doubled under dr#nk#ng #n turn %ro! the slender s(out. Ste(hen took h#s /ust share #n large cool del#c#ous s'al4 lo's. )hen Frances drank she set her round (#nk !outh da#nt#ly to the s(out and her throat beat stead#ly as a heart. Ste(hen 'as th#nk#ng he had really done so!eth#ng (retty n#ce %or Frances. He d#d not kno' <=
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'here h#s o'n ha((#ness 'asJ #t 'as !#3ed '#th the s'eet4sour taste #n h#s !outh and a cool %eel#ng #n h#s boso! because Frances 'as there dr#nk#ng h#s le!onade 'h#ch he had got %or he r '#th great danger. Frances sa#d "2y 'hat b#g s'allo's you take" 'hen h#s turn ca!e ne3t. "&o b#gger than yours" he told her do'nr#ghtly. ";ou take a'%ully b#g s'allo's." ")ell" sa#d Frances turn#ng th#s cr#t#c#s! #nto an argu!ent %or her *#ghtness about th#ngs "that+s the 'ay to dr#nk le!onade any'ay." She (eered #nto the tea(ot. *here 'as ?u#te a lot o% le!onade le%t and she 'as be4 g#nn#ng to %eel she had enough. "et+s !ake u( a ga!e and see 'ho can take the b#ggest s'allo's." *h#s 'as such a 'onder%ul not#on they gre' reck4 less t#((#ng the s(out #nto the#r o(ened !ouths aboe the#r heads unt#l le!onade 'elled u( and ran oer the#r ch#ns #n r#lls do'n the#r %ronts. )hen they t#red o% th#s there 'as st#ll le!onade le%t #n the (ot. *hey (layed %#rst at g##ng the rosebush a dr#nk and ended by ba(t#5#ng #t. "&a!e %ather son holygoat" shouted Ste(hen (our4 #ng. At th#s sound Old $anet+s %ace a((eared oer the lo' hedge '#th the tan d#sgusted4look#ng %ace o% Frances+ nurse hang#ng oer her shoulder. ")ell /ust as I thought" sa#d Old $anet. "$ust as I e3(ected." *he bag under her ch#n 'aggled. ")e 'ere th#rsty" he sa#dJ "'e 'ere a'%ully th#rsty." Frances sa#d noth#ng but she ga5ed stead#ly at the toes o% her shoes. "G#e !e that tea(ot" sa#d Old $anet tak#ng #t 37
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'#th a rude snatch. "$ust because you+re th#rsty #s no reason" sa#d Old $anet. ";ou can ask %or th#ngs. ;ou don+t hae to steal." ")e d#dn+t steal" cr#ed Frances suddenly. ")e d#dn+t. )e d#dn+t1" "*hat+s enough %ro! you !#ssy" sa#d her nurse. "0o!e stra#ght out o% there. ;ou hae noth#ng to do '#th th#s." "Oh I don+t kno'" sa#d Old $anet '#th a hard stare at Frances+ nurse. "He neer d#d such a th#ng be4 %ore by h#!sel%." "0o!e on" sa#d the nurse to Frances "th#s #s no (lace %or you." She held Frances by the 'r#st and started 'alk#ng a'ay so %ast Frances had to run to kee( u(. "&obody can call us th#ees and get a'ay '#th #t." ";ou don+t hae to steal een #% others do" sa#d Old $anet to Ste(hen #n a h#gh carry#ng o#ce. "I% you so !uch as (#ck u( a le!on #n so!ebody else+s house you+re a l#ttle th#e%." She lo'ered her o#ce and sa#d "&o' I+! go#ng to tell your grand!a and you+ll see 'hat you get." "He 'ent #n the #cebo3 and le%t #t o(en" $anet told Grand!a "and he got #nto the lu!( sugar and s(#lt #t a#l oer the %loor. u!(s eery'here under%oot. He dr#bbled 'ater all oer the clean k#tchen %loor and he ba(t#5ed the rose bush blas(he!#ng. And he took your S(ode tea(ot." "I d#dn+t e#ther" sa#d Ste(hen loudly try#ng to %ree h#s hand %ro! Old $anet+s b#g hard %#st. <
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"Don+t tell %#bs" sa#d Old $anetJ "that+s the last stra'." "Oh dear" sa#d Grand!a. "He+s not a baby any4 !ore." She shut the book she 'as read#ng and (ulled the 'et %ront o% h#s (ulloer to'ard her. ")hat+s th#s st#cky stu%% on h#!" she asked and stra#ghtened her glasses. "e!onade" sa#d Old $anet. "He took the last le!on." *hey 'ere #n the b#g dark roo! '#th the red cur4 ta#ns. ncle Da#d 'alked #n %ro! the roo! '#th the bookcases hold#ng a bo3 #n h#s u(l#%ted hand. "ook here" he sa#d to Ste(hen. ")hat+s beco!e o% all !y balloons" Ste(hen kne' 'ell that ncle Da#d 'as not really ask#ng a ?uest#on. Ste(hen s#tt#ng on a %ootstool at h#s grand!a+s knee %elt slee(y. He leaned hea#ly and '#shed he could (ut h#s head on her la( but he !#ght go to slee( and #t 'ould be 'rong to go to slee( 'h#le ncle Da#d 'as st#ll talk#ng. ncle Da#d 'alked about the roo! '#th h#s hands #n h#s (ockets talk#ng to Grand!a. &o' and then he 'ould 'alk oer to a la!( and lean#ng (eer #nto the to( o% the shade '#nk#ng #n the l#ght as #% he e3(ected to %#nd so!eth#ng there. "It+s s#!(ly #n the blood I told her" sa#d ncle Da#d. "I told her she 'ould s#!(ly hae to co!e and get h#! and kee( h#!. She asked !e #% I !eant to call h#! a th#e% and I sa#d #% she could th#nk o% a !ore e3act 'ord I+d be glad to hear #t." 39
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";ou shouldn+t hae sa#d that" co!!ented Grand!a cal!ly. ")hy not She !#ght as 'ell kno' the %acts . . . I su((ose he can+t hel( #t" sa#d ncle Da#d sto((#ng no' #n %ront o% Ste(hen and dro((#ng h#s ch#n #nto h#s collar "I shouldn+t e3(ect too !uch o% h#! but you can+t beg#n too early," "*he trouble #s" sa#d Grand!a and 'h#le she s(oke she took Ste(hen by the ch#n and held #t u( so that he had to !eet her eyeJ she talked stead#ly #n a !ourn%ul tone but Ste(hen could not understand. She ended "It+s not /ust about the balloons o% course." "It #s about the balloons" sa#d ncle Da#d an4 gr#ly "because balloons no' !ean so!eth#ng 'orse later. But 'hat can you e3(ect H#s %ather,'ell #t+s #n the blood. He," "*hat+s your s#ster+s husband you+re talk#ng about" sa#d Grand!a "and there #s no use !ak#ng th#ngs 'orse. Bes#des you don+t really kno'." "I do kno'" sa#d ncle Da#d. And he talked aga#n ery %ast 'alk#ng u( and do'n. Ste(hen tr#ed to understand but the sounds 'ere strange and %loat#ng /ust oer h#s head. *hey 'ere talk#ng about h#s %ather and they d#d not l#ke h#!. ncle Da#d ca!e oer and stood aboe Ste(hen and Grand!a. He hunched oer the! '#th a %ro'n#ng %ace a long crooked shado' %ro! h#! %all#ng across the! to the 'all. *o Ste(hen he looked l#ke h#s %ather and he shrank aga#nst h#s grand!a+s sk#rts. "*he ?uest#on #s 'hat to do '#th h#! no'" 40
TH" 4"1N 4"-/M") */M1NT"* 4Y TH" M1N*
asked ncle Da#d. "I% 'e kee( h#! here he+d /ust be a,I 'on+t be bothered '#th h#!. *oo %ar gone already I+ ! a%ra#d &o tra#n#ng. &o e3a!(le." ";ou+re r#ght they !ust take h#! and kee( h#!" sa#d Grand!a. She ran her hands oer Ste(hen+s headJ tenderly she (#nched the na(e o% h#s neck bet'een thu!b and %ore%#nger. ";ou+re your Grand!a+s dar4 l#ng" she told h#! "and you+e had a n#ce long #s#t and no' you+re go#ng ho!e. 2a!a #s co!#ng %or you #n a %e' !#nutes. )on+t that be n#ce" "I 'ant !y !a!a" sa#d Ste(hen 'h#!(er#ng %or h#s grand!a+s %ace %r#ghtened h#!. *here 'as so!e4 th#ng 'rong '#th her s!#le. O((ressed and d#stressed by h#s caretakers+ angry (r#n4 c#(led atte!(ts to #!(roe h#s %la'ed !oral character the l#ttle boy struggles to de%end h#!sel% aga#nst the e!ot#onal onslaught #n 'h#ch he kno's he #s unsa%e. H#s !other ar4 r#es argues b#tterly '#th her brother Da#d and atte!(ts through %alse cheer and braado to (rotect her son. As the story ends Ste(hen de!onstrates the (erersely log#cal strat4 egy e!(loyed by o((ressed hu!an be#ngs throughout h#story to (rotect the!seles aga#nst torturers o% all sorts@ #!#tat#on. "0o!e on Ste(hen darl#ng" sa#d 2a!a. "It+s %ar (ast h#s bedt#!e" she sa#d to no one #n (art#cular. "I!ag#ne kee(#ng a baby u( to torture h#! about a %e' !#serable l#ttle b#ts o% colored rubber." She s!#led at ncle Da#d '#th both ro's o% teeth as she (assed h#! on the 'ay to the door kee(#ng bet'een h#! and Ste4 41
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(hen. "Ah 'here 'ould 'e be '#thout h#gh !oral standards" she sa#d and then to Grand!a "Good n#ght 2other" ! ?u#te her usual o#ce. "I+ll see you #n a day or so." ";es #ndeed" sa#d Grand!a cheer%ully co!#ng out #nto the hall '#th Ste(hen and 2a!a. "et !e hear %ro! you. R#ng !e u( to!orro'. I ho(e you+ll be %eel4 #ng better." "I %eel ery 'ell no'" sa#d 2a!a br#ghtly laugh4 #ng. She bent do'n and k#ssed Ste(hen. "Slee(y dar4 l#ng Pa(a+s 'a#t#ng to see you. Don+t go to slee( unt#l you+e k#ssed your (a(a good n#ght." Ste(hen 'oke '#th a shar( /erk. He ra#sed h#s head and (ut out h#s ch#n a l#ttle. "I don+t 'ant to go ho!e" he sa#dJ "I 'ant to go to school. I don+t 'ant to see Pa(a I don+t l#ke h#!." 2a!a la#d her (al! oer h#s !outh so%tly. "Dar4 l#ng don+t." ncle Da#d (ut h#s head out '#th a k#nd o% snort. "*here you are he sa#d. "*here you+e got a state!ent %ro! head?uarters." 2a!a o(ened the door and ran al!ost carry#ng Ste(hen. She ran across the s#de'alk /erk#ng o(en the car door and dragg#ng Ste(hen #n a%ter her. She s(un the car around and dashed %or'ard so shar(ly Ste(hen 'as al!ost %lung out o% the seat. He sat braced then '#th all h#s !#ght hands d#gg#ng #nto the cush#ons. *he car s(eeded u(. and the trees and houses 'h#55ed by all %lattened out. Ste(hen began suddenly to s#ng to h#!4 sel% a ?u#et #ns#de song so 2a!a 'ould not hear. He 42
TH" 4"1N 4"-/M") */M1NT"*
4Y TH" M1N*
sang h#s ne' secretJ #t 'as a co!%ortable slee(y song@ "I hate Pa(a I hate 2a!a I hate Grand!a I hate ncle Da#d I hate Old $anet I hate 2ar/ory I hate Pa(a I hate 2a!a . . ." H#s head bobbed leaned ca!e to rest on 2a!a+s knee eyes closed. 2a!a dre' h#! closer and slo'ed do'n dr##ng '#th one hand. O((ress#on !asked as "concern" (rookes #n the ch#ld a res(onse o% hatred seer#ng o% co!!un#cat#on and '#th4 dra'al %ro! relat#onsh#( '#th those closest to h#!. *h#s #s a ty(#cal stage #n a ch#ld+s tra#n#ng %or sur#al #n the adult 'orld and a ste( to'ard the d#!#n#sh!ent o% al#eness. A%ter be #ng lo e d and be #n g sur( r#se d '#th hu rt an d be #n g bla!ed Ste(hen learned to bla!e. Ste(hen bla!ed h#s un4 cle h#s grand!other Old $anet and 2ar/ory %or tor!ent#ng h#! %or h#s !#stakes 'h#ch 'ere natural entureso!e #n#t#a4 t#es on h#s (artJ and %or h#s a((arent rese!blance to h#s (arents 'ho! he also hates %or be#ng the or#g#nal causes o% d#sgust %or h#! #n the other adults. He #s learn#ng to hae good causes %or hatred /ust l#ke they do. He #s learn#ng to be l#ke the! #n order to sur#e a!ong the!. The *ownward #ath to !isdom #s about all o% us. )hen l#ttle Ste(hen started s#ng#ng h#s hate song #t 'as a !eta(hor %or the hate songs 'e all learn. Our l#berat#on %ro! the hatred and #solat#on o% the !ental /a#l that 'e l#ke Ste(hen began construct#ng #n ch#ldhood de(ends on our '#ll#ngness to knock do'n the 'alls and resu!e relat#onsh#( to others. )hen 'e do th#s 'e #n#te the rea'aken#ng o% all the (a#n and shock o% the or#g#4 nal 'ounds #n%l#cted on us #n our #nnocence aga#nst 'h#ch 43
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'e de%ended ourseles '#th the resole to hate. *ell#ng the truth a%ter h#d#ng out %or a long t#!e reo(ens old 'ounds that d#dn+t heal (ro(erly. It o%ten hurts a lot. It takes guts. It #sn+t easy. It #s better than the alternat#e.
44
4 EES OF *EI&G *HE *R*H ;/h, but 1 was so much older thenA 1
6
athleen 'as <8 years old and head o% her o'n #nter#or decorat#ng bus#nessJ hard 'ork#ng co!(etent (retty and br#ght,a sur#or. Her bus#ness 'as go#ng great and she 'as gett#ng r#ch. She ca!e to !e because #n s(#te o% the a((earance o% great success she 'as hy(ertens#e unable to hae orgas!s su%%er#ng %ro! #nso!n#a %renet#c about 'ork and de(ressed about not ha#ng any #nt#!ate relat#onsh#(s '#th !en. She ca!e %ro! a large 0athol#c %a!#ly. She had been stuck #n early adolescence %or years and 'as dest#ned to stay there %or the re!a#nder o% her l#%e as !any (aroch#al school students do ha#ng learned %ro! the nuns that the !ost #!(ortant th#ng #n l#%e 'as to (ut on an act %or (arents and oerseers and l#e your real l#%e on the s#de. ;ou hae a (ubl#c l#%e and a secret l#%eJ kee( #t that 'ay. E#ght years earl#er she had gotten an abort#on h#d#ng #t %ro! her (ro4l#%e 0athol#c %a!#ly. She had told no one about #t e3ce(t the !an 'ho #!(regnated her and she had
12
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soon broken u( '#th h#!. She had guarded her secret 'ell through t'o years o% #nd##dual (sychothera(y '#th another thera(#st and !any #ntens#e grou(s 'here there had been o((ortun#t#es %or tell#ng the truth. F#rst she told !e. *hen she told !e!bers o% a thera(y grou(. *hen she told her %r#ends. *hen she told her s#ster. Each #ncre!ent o% reela4 t#on brought a degree o% sel%4%org#eness and %reedo!. Each #ncre!ent o% l#ghten#ng u( about her dark secret hel(ed ?u#te a b#t but #t 'asn+t enough. I encouraged her to %#n#sh '#th the !atter by tell#ng the truth to her (arents. She re4 s#sted %or so!e t#!e and %#nally I told her she had e#ther to do #t or get out o% thera(y. She agreed to tell the!. She !ade seeral tr#(s ho!e '#th the #ntent#on o% ha4 #ng a co!(letely honest conersat#on '#th her %olks but she 'ould get scared and co!e back '#thout ha#ng s(oken a 'ord. A%ter !any %a#led atte!(ts she %#nally told her (arents about the abort#on. Because o% the nu!ber o% t#!es she had gone ho!e and retreated '#thout tell#ng the %#rst th#ng her %ather sa#d 'hen she %#nally ca!e out '#th #t 'as "Oh thank God" because he and her !other had already secretly con4 cluded that 6athleen (robably had a ter!#nal d#sease she couldn+t br#ng hersel% to tell the! about. A%ter the to(#c 'as broached and a d#scuss#on ensued about 'hy 6athleen and all the other ch#ldren l#ed to the! all o% the t#!e the brother 'ho 'as #n to'n 'as called oer and the %a!#ly had ?u#te a long d#scuss#on about 'ho eeryone 'as about ly#ng and about the ga!es the k#ds had (layed '#th the (arents and the secrets they had ke(t a!ong the!seles. *h#s conersat#on '#th her %a!#ly 'as a breakthrough #n her (sychothera(y. 6athleen no longer has asth!a. A %e' !onths a%ter that 46
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tr#( ho!e she began l##ng '#th a !an to 'ho! she #s no' !arr#ed. She has orgas!s al!ost eery t#!e they hae se3. She can slee(. She runs her bus#ness and takes t#!e o%% as she l#kes. She #s een !ore success%ul but not !#serable any!ore. She has acco!(l#shed the %#rst leel o% tell#ng the truth. 6athleen ste((ed out %ro! beh#nd her "good daughter" role 'h#ch she had !a#nta#ned by h#d#ng and ly#ng all o% the t#!e r#sked her relat#onsh#( to her (arents %or the sake o% reeal#ng 'ho she really 'as and ended u( trans%or!#ng not only her o'n 'ay o% be#ng #n the 'orld but that o% her 'hole %a!#ly. Roles are l#ke cloth#ng 'e learned to (ut on to (rotect ourseles %ro! the cold. )hen 'e take o%% the roles 'e hae been h#d#ng beh#nd the naked be#ng 'e are stands there, ulnerable and de%enseless. *he being 'e are as d#st#nct %ro! the roles 'e+e been (lay#ng doesn+t need the de%ens#e 'ea(ons 'e #nented to scare the ene!y a'ay. *hose other (eo(le out there are naked under the#r roles too,they are (lay#ng (ossu! or creat#ng a st#nk or bar#ng the#r %angs and gro'l#ng or s#gnal#ng anger and threaten#ng l#ke a ch#!( or runn#ng l#ke a rabb#t. *he#r roles 'ere deelo(ed %or the sake o% sur#al /ust as our roles 'ere. *he d#%%erence bet'een our sur#al tact#cs and those o% an#!als #s that the#rs are necessary %or the cont#nuat#on o% the#r (hys#cal e3#stence and ours are not. But 'e act as though ours 'ere. )e conceal ourseles because 'e %ear that the (a#n acco!(any#ng the act o% sel%4d#sclosure '#ll l#terally destroy us or %unda!entally da!age our be#ng #n so!e hor4 r#ble 'ay render#ng us !a#!ed and dys%unct#onal. In add#4 t#on 'e %ear 'e !ay destroy others '#th our truth4tell#ng. 47
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6athleen reco#led %or years %ro! 'hat she sa' as the utterly destruct#e (o'er o% her unleashed secret,#t 'ould she thought "k#ll" her (arents and hersel% to hae #t told. But tell#ng the truth k#lls noth#ng but %alse roles #!ages #nter(re4 tat#ons and l#es as 6athleen d#scoered. It only k#lls those dece#ts 'h#ch 'e had ke(t al#e through strateg#c sel%4 conceal!ent. "6athleen",her %alse #!age,d#d not sur#e her reelat#on. But 6athleen d#d. *hrough tell#ng the truth she reealed hersel% and thus del#ered hersel% and her %a!#ly #nto a ne' and !ore (o'er%ul relat#onsh#( ach#eed through the death o% the old ly#ng relat#onsh#(. *he ab#l#ty to "get naked" #n %ront o% other (eo(le 'ho are st#ll #n the#r roles as 6athleen d#d #s #!(ortant. 0o!#ng out %ro! beh#nd our roles (er!#ts us to look beh#nd the roles o% others. Because 'e can see !ore clearly the threat o% other (eo(le (os#ng #n the#r roles %ades. Once 'e co!e out %ro! beh#nd our (ose 'hat used to scare us about other (eo(le doesn+t scare us any!ore. 0o!#ng o%%#t dro((#ng the roles 'e thought 'e needed %or (rotect#on turns out to be not only sa%e but a (lace o% (o'er. 6athleen got less scared o% other (eo(le (art#cularly !en. Int#!acy #s a (o'er gro'n #nto a%ter adolescence. *he (erson ca(able o% #nt#!acy,that #s the (erson ca(able o% tell#ng the truth,st#ll has roles to (lay but #s no longer tra((ed by the!. *he #ntegrated (erson beh#nd the role no longer has anyth#ng to h#de and can relate %reely to the be#ng he kno's #s h#dden beh#nd the roles others are (lay#ng. *he $erson #s then #n charge rather than the role. I d#%%erent#ate three (hases or leels o% tell#ng the truth. *hese leels !ay occur success#ely or s#!ultaneously or a 9
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(erson !ay !aster one or t'o leels and retreat %ro! the ne3t. O%ten (eo(le retreat a%ter encounter#ng the %r#ghten#ng sense o% %reedo! a%%orded by a breakthrough at a ne' leel. So!et#!es they try aga#n later so!et#!es not. *he three leels are@ reeal#ng the %actsJ honestly e3(ress#ng current %eel#ngs and thoughtsJ and %#nally e3(os#ng the %#ct#on you hae de#sed to re(resent yoursel% and your h#story. eel One@ Reeal#ng the Facts 6athleen #s an e3a!(le o% leel one o% tell#ng the truth. *he %#rst leel o% tell#ng the truth #s to reeal the %acts. It #s a !atter o% clear#ng u( l#es %ro! the (ast and the %alse (resenta4 t#on o% sel% be#ng !a#nta#ned through '#thhold#ng. )e all l#e casually and hab#tually and are largely uncon4 sc#ous about #t. )e all learned to l#e #nnocently as 'e learned the 'ays o% be#ng "gro'n u(" and ho' to #!(ress our %r#ends. )e hae to deelo( and organ#5e the l#es 'e (retend to be and co!(lete that /ob and %eel O.6. about #t be%ore 'e can g#e u( that #dent#ty. )e hae to strut and (ose and try on lots o% roles and tell a lot o% l#es and do a good /ob o% #t be%ore g##ng #t u(. But #% 'e cont#nue to gro' 'e will g#e the roles u(. Eentually 'e can /oke about 'hat used to be ser#ous 'ork #n learn#ng ho' to re(resent ourseles to others. *hat ab#l#ty to /oke about 'ho 'e are co!es only a%ter 'e hae deelo(ed the bas#c #dent#ty -the %unda!ental l#e 'e th#nk 'e are. *hen des(#te all that 'ork 'e hae to g#e u( our attach!ent to that #dent#ty. I% 'e don+t 'e+ll neer be %ree %ro! #ts restr#ct#ons. Here #s another 'ay o% say#ng #t. )e hae to go through adolescence and deelo( an #dent#ty and ans'er the ?ues4
13
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t#on ")ho a! I" Ha#ng establ#shed that #dent#ty 'e hae to g#e u( our attach!ent to #t and re!e!ber 'ho 'e 'ere at the beg#nn#ng be%ore 'e deelo(ed that #dent#ty. )ho 'e st#ll are -the be#ng %ro! back #n the 'o!b and 'ho 'e hae co!e to kno' ourseles as -the #dent#ty 'e hae deel4 o(ed hae to be #ntegrated. *hen 'hen 'e relate to other (eo(le 'e can co!e %ro! a consc#ousness o% our 'hole be#ng and the be#ng o% others and have a (ersonal#ty rather than be had by our (ersonal#ty. *he %#rst leel o% th#s (rocess #s reeal#ng dece(t#ons and '#thholds. ;ou hae been !a#nta#n#ng an #!age #n the eyes o% others to sell yoursel% to the! #n a certa#n 'ay. &o' you hae to untell those l#es. I% you neer hae told your !other and %ather that you stole the car at 7@:: a! to #s#t your boy%r#end 'hen you 'ere 7= go tell the! and %ace the con4 se?uences een #% you are 9:. It !ust be done. #nda+s case #llustrates a retreat %ro! th#s %#rst leel o% tell#ng the truth@ #nda #s a <4year4old 'o!an ra#sed #n the 2#d'est #n a !#ddle4class Protestant ho!e. All o% her l#%e the (o#nt o% l##ng has been to be good and not bad to score (o#nts to be a star ! h#gh school and college to !ake As and to be 'ell thought o%. She 'as a cheerleader and a !e!ber o% all the #!(ortant clubs #n h#gh school and college. She #s ery suc4 cess%ul and !akes a lot o% !oney and #s h#ghly regarded #n her (ro%ess#on. She #s at the end o% her second !arr#age. She has had a%%a#rs and gotten caught by her husbands #n both cases and the eentual result has been one d#orce and one #!!#nent d#orce. She says that as %ar as her %ather -'ho! she adores #s 50
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concerned she #s "st#ll a #rg#n." She 'ouldn+t drea! o% tell#ng h#! o% the three %urt#e one4n#ght stands she had '#th #rtual strangers and the one a%%a#r that 'as !ore than a one4 n#ght stand that occurred be%ore her %#rst d#orce. She d#dn+t een tell her second husband about that. &e#ther 'ould she drea! o% tell#ng Daddy about the three one4n#ght stands and t'o long4ter! a%%a#rs she has had s#nce about t'o years a%ter her second !arr#age began #nclud#ng the one #n 'h#ch her husband caught her. She had co!(#led secrets and un%#n#shed bus#ness '#th her %ather her %#rst husband and her current husband. )#th !y encourage!ent she told her husband eery4 th#ng about all her a%%a#rs #nclud#ng the ones s#nce they 'ere !arr#ed. Ho'eer 'hen he d#dn+t get oer the ne's '#th#n a !onth she started '#thhold#ng %ro! h#! aga#n about con4 ersat#ons and !eet#ngs she 'as ha#ng '#th her current !ale %r#end. A%ter all s#nce she doesn+t hae se3 '#th the %r#end any!ore there #s no need to br#ng #t u( r#ght She and her husband don+t hae se3 any!ore. She #s re(ulsed by the #dea o% se3 '#th her husband but she doesn+t 'ant to tell h#! that because #t !#ght hurt h#s %eel#ngs and she sees no need to do that aga#n. She does !eet and hae a dr#nk no' and then '#th her %or!er loer and doesn+t tell her husband. She %eels #rtuous %or not ha#ng se3 '#th her %or!er loer 'hen she talks to h#! and %or "try#ng to 'ork out" her !arr#age. She can+t understand 'hy #n the 'orld I suggest that she clean u( her act '#th her husband aga#n and go and tell her (arents eeryth#ng. It 'ould only hurt and d#sa((o#nt her %ather 'ho #s old no' and 'ouldn+t under4 stand. She ad!#ts that s#nce she told her husband about her 87
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(re#ous secret se3 l#%e they hae had the best conersat#ons they hae eer had but s#nce he st#ll see!s to be dec#d#ng to d#orce her she #s not sure she bel#ees #n th#s tell#ng the truth stu%%. #nda has (lenty o% reasons and (lenty o% soc#al su((ort %ro! her %r#ends to cont#nue to goss#( '#th the! and '#th4 hold %ro! her husband and not tell her %olks about her l#%e and %or God+s sake to ?u#t see#ng that r#d#culous (sycholog#st 'ho #s ob#ously cra5y. She #s ?u#te (retty and takes good care o% her body een though she su%%ers %ro! (a#n caused by be#ng so u(t#ght. She had t'#ce been !#sd#agnosed as ha#ng arthr#t#s be%ore co!#ng to see !e but had %lunked the blood tests taken to con%#r! the d#agnos#s and con%ounded seeral doctors+ atte!(ts to %#gure out 'hat caused her so !uch (a#n. She sa' no relat#onsh#( 'hatsoeer bet'een her '#th4 hold#ng at the soc#al leel and hold#ng back at the (hys#cal leel to such a degree that all o% her /o#nts ached. She d#d not#ce ho'eer that 'hen she cleaned u( her '#thholds '#th her husband and r#sked her (hony !arr#age her (a#n 'ent a'ay. She got stuck bet'een the rock o% go#ng back to the controlled !#sery o% her (re#ous arrange!ent and "sal4 ag#ng her !arr#age" and the hard (lace o% recreat#ng a ne' !arr#age based on tell#ng the truth. )orse yet a%ter start#ng to h#de aga#n %ro! her husband the da!ned (a#n started co!#ng back. 2y suggest#on that she go tell her %ather the 'hole story /ust added to her stress and she started cons#der4 #ng %#nd#ng a !ore understand#ng thera(#st. Because she #s so (retty there are lots o% other !en out there 'ho are !uch !ore understand#ng than I a! any'ay (art#cularly s#nce be4 #ng "understand#ng" #s a good 'ay to get la#d. 52
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Fro! her (o#nt o% #e' she has tr#ed tell#ng the truth at leel one,the %acts,and #t d#dn+t 'ork because her husband got !ad and d#dn+t get oer #t so she #s not go#ng to !ake the sa!e !#stake '#th her %ather or '#th her husband aga#n. )hen she reached th#s conclus#on I suggested that she ?u#t thera(y '#th !e. She d#dn+t 'ant to. I set the cond#t#on that she tell the truth to her husband and (arents at th#s %#rst leel or get out. She got out st#ll su%%er#ng %ro! the stress and (hys#cal (a#n that had brought her to !e. 1 reco!!end that (eo(le tell the truth because all stress #s caused by ly#ng. So!e (eo(le are too scared to %ollo' through and others te!(orar#ly tell the truth and then go back to ly#ng. I% I atte!(t to do thera(y '#th (eo(le 'ho are not '#ll#ng to take the r#sk o% tell#ng the truth I a! r#((#ng the! o%%. I (ut u( '#th the#r '#thhold#ng and ly#ng %or a 'h#le and su((ort the! to e3(er#!ent enough to see ho' #t 'orks. About one out o% s#3 (eo(le leae thera(y '#th !e by ?u#tt#ng or gett#ng k#cked out. So!et#!es k#ck#ng so!eone out o% thera(y #s an e%%ect#e thera(eut#c #nterent#on. )hen I suggest that (eo(le clean u( the#r act at the %#rst leel and tell the#r (arents s(ouses and %r#ends the#r long4 '#thheld secrets they th#nk that+s the hardest (art. It+s not. It #s a necessary but not su%%#c#ent (art o% tell#ng the truth. su4 ally a%ter res#st#ng %or a t#!e and be#ng a%ra#d o% the conse4 ?uences and !ak#ng a %e' %alse starts (eo(le go ahead and co!e %orth '#th a b#g '#thhold to a (arent or s(ouse. 2ost o% the t#!e (arents and s#bl#ngs can hardly re!e!ber or re!e!ber d#%%erently the b#g trau!a and #ts !ean#ng or they are not as shocked or r#ghteously #nd#gnant or o%%ended or hurt as e3(ected. sually s(ouses co!e %orth '#th '#th4 53
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holds o% the#r o'n and really !uddy the 'ater. )hat ha(4 (ens !ost #s that the ant#c#(ated catastro(he doesn+t sho' u(,and the cl#ent although greatly rel#eed #s also a l#ttle d#sa((o#nted. *here #s a sense o% %reedo! a ga( a '#der sense o% be#ng #n charge o% l#%e but also a %eel#ng o% be#ng non(lussed l#ke one 'ould %eel a%ter ha#ng lost a /ob o% so!e k#nd. *he ne' breath#ng s(ace that #s o(ened u( %ro! th#s %#rst4leel 'ork #s 'onder%ul and the cl#ent loes !e and th#nks I a! greater than Socrates. sually I g#e (eo(le a l#ttle rest at th#s (lace and 'e celebrate the#r ne'ly4rene'ed relat#onsh#(s. O%ten I hae !et the (arent or s(ouse 'ho #s the !a#n guarded4aga#nst4and4l#ed4to s#gn#%#cant other. O%ten #n %act the secrets are reealed #n !y o%%#ce and '#th the a#d o% !y coach#ng. sually #nstead o% be#ng trag#c these sess#ons are %un. *he %#rst leel o% truth4tell#ng leads to the %#rst leel o% l#berat#on. ;ou tell the facts %ro! the (ast that hae been '#thheld you no longer hae to be (arano#d about be#ng %ound out and you get back the energy that 'as be#ng used u( %or years to h#de the %acts. But tell#ng the truth doesn+t end '#th the %acts. Le(el T4o5 Hone$%y Abo% C##en% Tho)h%$ and +eelin)$ *he second leel o% tell#ng the truth #s to beg#n to s(eak
%orth the e!ot#onal truth and the truth o% one+s /udg!ents, to reeal one+s constantly act#e secret !#nd. ;ou beg#n here the (ract#ce o% ad!#tt#ng ho' you %eel 'hen you %eel #t s(eak#ng your secret /udg!ents o% others out loud and con4 stantly reeal#ng your o'n (etty and condescend#ng 'ays. 54
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*he %#rst th#ng (eo(le usually th#nk about th#s ne3t ste( #s@ "Oh no not !ore1" *h#s #s o%ten 'here (eo(le take 'hat (sychoanalyt#c thera(#sts call the "%l#ght #nto health." *hey say ";ou+re a great doctor and a '#se (erson and you hae changed !y 'hole l#%e and hel(ed !e a lot and I+! eternally grate%ul I+! go#ng to s(l#t thank you goodbye." *h#s re4 s(onse #s the !#nd+s atte!(t to recontrol the s#tuat#on take a break and reconce(tual#5e and take charge o% the be#ng aga#n be%ore th#ngs get out o% hand. *he "%l#ght #nto health" #s %l#ght a'ay %ro! a ne' scary but %ar !ore e%%ect#e !ethod o% !ak#ng th#ngs ha((en #n the 'orld. *ell#ng the truth cre4 ates clear#ngs bet'een yoursel% and other (eo(le 'here there #s a (oss#b#l#ty o% shar#ng #n creat#ng together. Re4control by the !#nd+s secret sel%4(rotect#e /udg#ng h#dden sel% #s the atte!(t to go back to the sa%er4%eel#ng hard4earned adoles4 cent 'ay o% be#ng that 'orked be%ore and should 'ork aga#n but leaes you al'ays try#ng to eat the !enu rather than the !eal. *he second leel o% tell#ng the truth reeal#ng the e!o4 t#onal and /udg!ental truth on a !o!ent4by4!o!ent bas#s #s da!ned hard 'ork and #t neer ends. *hera(y ends but th#s 'ork neer ends. *hera(y ends 'hen the (erson takes oer the task o% tell#ng the truth "steady as she goes" as her o'n task and as her o'n alternat#e to !an#(ulat#on. 2an#(ulat#ng and strateg#5#ng and ha#ng secret (lans and cons(#rac#es #s one 'ay to o(erate #n the 'orld to create the a((earance o% a success%ul l#%e. But the a((earance o% a suc4 cess%ul l#%e #s to a success%ul l#%e as the !enu #s to a !eal. *he a$$earance o% success #s a (er%or!ance #n 'h#ch you are cut o%% %ro! contact '#th the aud#ence e3ce(t through your role. 55
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A success%ul l#%e #n contrast #s one #n 'h#ch you can share '#th others o(enly as your l#%e ha((ens '#thout all that rehearsal. *he contrast #s bet'een (er%or!ance and shar#ng. *he alternat#e to tell#ng the s#!(le truth about your %eel#ngs and thoughts as they occur #s a k#nd o% (athet#c bragg#ng one #s le%t '#th #n later l#%e een #% one has !ade !oney,the usual !easure o% success,but re!a#ned an #solated !an#(u4 lator. 2an#(ulat#on never 'orks to get the result des#red but #t al'ays see!s l#ke #t+s /ust about to 'ork. )hen you get 'hat you sa#d you 'anted by !an#(ulat#on #t #s neer enough. )hen you tell the truth and get 'hat you 'ant gett#ng gett#ng 'hat you 'ant #s l#ke gray,#t %eels l#ke you are gett#ng !ore than you eer ho(ed %or rather rather than /ust okay but not ?u#te good enough. )e all get to !ake th#s cho#ce bet'een !an#(ulat#on and co!!un#cat#on co!!un#cat#on oer and oer aga#n #n l#%e. $ohn Steens a Gestalt educator 'rote beaut#%ully #n h#s book wareness, about the d#le!!a o% try#ng to '#n loe through !an#(ula4 t#on as o((osed to co!!un#cat#ng. A great deal has been 'r#tten about trust and loe and that #% you can bu#ld a trust#ng lo#ng relat#onsh#( then (eo(le can be honest h onest '#th each other. I bel#ee be l#ee th#s #dea #s e3actly back'ards. It #s ery n#ce #% I %eel trust#ng and lo#ng to'ard so!eone but #% I don+t %eel th#s 'ay 'hat can I do about #t *rust and loe are !y feeling res$o res$ons nses es to'ard another (erson and these res(onses cannot be !anu%actured. E#ther I %eel loe or I don+t. All the e!(has#s on trust and loe results #n !any (eo4 8=
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(#e $retending "because #t #s healthy $retending to %eel trust and loe "because and '#ll br#ng about closeness honesty etc.",add#ng a ne' area o% (hon#ness and d#shonesty #n the#r beha#or. Honesty Honesty ho'eer ho'eer #s a behavior and is so!eth#ng I can choose or not choose. I cannot dec#de to loe or trust trust but I can dec#de dec #de to be (ersona (er sonally lly hon honest est or not. not . And 'hen 'hen I choo choose se to be reall eally y hone honest st and and say say 'hat 'hat I e3(er#ence and 'hat I %eel I a! sho'#ng that I can be trusted. *h#s #s the only k#nd o% beha#or that can br#ng about a res(onse o% trust. *rust #s !y res(onse to a (erson that I kno' I can bel#ee. Een #% I d#sl#ke a (erson I can trust h#! #% he #s honest '#th !e and I can res(ect h#s '#ll4 #ngness to be h#!sel% honestly. #ke'#se honesty does not al'ays br#ng a res(onse o% loe but #t #s absolutely essent#al to #t. )hen I a! hon4 estly !ysel% and you res(ond 'ar!ly and '#th car#ng then loe e3#sts. I% I calculate and (ut on (hony beha#or #n order to (lease you you !ay loe !y behavior, but you cannot loe me, because I hae h#dden !y real e3#stenc e3#st encee beh#n be h#nd d th#s th# s art#%# art #%#c#a c#all beha beh a#or #or.. E Een en 'hen 'he n you loe #n res(ons res(onsee to !y (hony beha#or beha#or I cannot cannot really really rece#e rece#e your loe. It #s (o#soned by !y kno'ledge that the loe #s %or the #!age I hae created not %or !e. I also hae to be cont#nually on guard to be sure that I !a#nta#n !y #!age so that your loe does not d#sa((ear. S#nce I hae shut shut !ysel% !ysel% o%% %ro! %ro! your loe #n th#s 'ay I '#ll %eel !ore lonely and unloed and try een !ore 57
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des(erately to !an#(ulate !ysel% and you #n order to get th#s loe. In contrast 'hen I a! honestly !ysel% and you res(ond to !e as I a! #n that !o!ent I can rece#e th#s %ully and kno' the sat#s%act#on o% be#ng really related '#th you. *h#s honest relat#ng #s not al'ays /oy%ul or (leasant ,#t #s so!et#!es sad so!et#!es angry etc.,but #t #s al'ays solid and real and vitally alive& =
*h#s #tal#ty #tal#ty o% relat#onsh relat#onsh#( #( #s #n %act the loe 'e try so onl y availab ava ilable le to $eo$le $eo $le who $rac tice des(erately to '#n. 1t is only telling the truth&
*he second leel o% tell#ng the truth co!es about through e3(er#!ent#ng usually #n grou( thera(y as 'ell as #n real l#%e to %#nd out the d#%%erence bet'een try#ng to !ake th#ngs ha((en through !an#(ulat#on and ha#ng th#ngs ha(4 (en (e n thro ugh tell#ng tel l#ng the truth. tru th. Once Onc e you dec#de dec #de to l#e l# e that tha t 'ay you hae to cont#nue to 'ork a'ay at #t because the !ost #!(ortant th#ng to kno' about the truth #s that #t changes. ;ou can be really !ad at so!eone and hurt by h#! or her and stay stuck there. Or you can tell the! and e3(ress #t out loud and 'hat 'as true a !o!ent ago beco!es no longer true. Beth and 2ark had both been #n thera(y '#th !e #n the earl#er (art o% the#r relat#onsh#( about 7: years ago. She #s 98 years old and he #s C. She #s d#orced '#th t'o gro'n ch#l4 dren. He graduated %ro! college 8 years ago. *hey relocated t'#ce s#nce he %ound 'ork a%ter graduat#ng. He lost h#s /ob and dec#ded to leae Beth and go l#e '#th a younger 'o!an 8
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he had !et and had a br#e% a%%a#r '#th. He had told Beth al!ost eeryth#ng but 'as st#ll #n a (an#c o% sorts about #t all. He ca!e to see !e %or one #s#t. I had h#! go back and talk to Beth and tell her #n greater deta#l eeryth#ng he had done and eeryth#ng he a((rec#ated her %or and eeryth#ng he re4 sented her %or and all o% h#s thoughts #deas and o(#n#ons. He d#d tell her all that he had done. *hey argued and cr#ed and then he !oed to the c#ty 'here he (lanned to seek 'ork and l#e '#th h#s ne' loer. Beth ke(t cry#ng and 'as really su%%er#ng %or 'eeks. She couldn+t sto( gr#e#ng and su%%er#ng and hat#ng h#! %or h#s betray bet rayal al and !#ss#ng !#ss #ng h#! and lo#ng lo #ng h#! at the sa!e sa! e t#!e. t#!e . F#nally ha#ng dr#en a cons#derable d#stance to see !e she told !e she 'as try#ng to kee( %ro! th#nk#ng about k#ll4 #ng hersel%. She also told !e that she and 2ark had !ade a (ledge to stay out o% contact '#th each other %or < !onths. I thought that 'as a !#stake. I told her to call 2ark and hae h#! co!e to see her so she could tell h#! her resent!ents aga#n her a((rec#at#ons /udg!ents ealuat#ons and eery4 th#ng she could co!e u( '#th aga#n and to use the talk '#th h#! as an o((ortun#ty %or her to e3(er#ence co!(letely the %eel#ngs she had and let the! go a'ay. I reco!!ended that #nstead o% ao#d#ng and 'a#t#ng to see 'hat ha((ened #% they stayed a(art that they get together and let the (ast d#e. I told her to get a !ed#ator and gae her the na!e o% a thera(#st #n the to'n 'here she l#ed. -I told her to get the !ed#ator to !ake sure she co!(leted the /ob. She le%t to go ho!e %or *hanksg##ng ha#ng dec#ded to %ace the !us#c. A %e' days later 'e got th#s letter %ro! Beth@ 59
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&oe!ber &oe !ber Sunday Sund ay n#ght n #ght Dearest Brad and A!y 2ark le%t about <: !#nutes ago and I 'ant to let you kno' that all #s %#ne. Brad %or the %#rst t#!e #n !y l#%e I d#dn+t do 'hat you sa#dJ I d#dn+t get a !ed#atorJ I d#dn+t een try. I %ound I d#dn+t need #t and I 'as !ore co!4 %ortable '#th the #dea o% not ha#ng one. 2ark arr#ed here about 77@78 th#s !orn#ng and stayed unt#l 8@<:. I kne' 'hen he 'alked #n the door that he 'asn+t go#ng to stone'all !e. *he %#rst th#ng I sa#d 'as "2ay I g#e you a hug" He sa#d yes and 'e hugged %or a long !o!ent. *hen 'e sat do'n and talked and talked. A%ter a 'h#le,actual 'h#le,actually ly a long 'h#le ,I %#3ed us so!e d#nner d#nne r and 'e ate and talked so!e !ore. He cr#ed a lot and I cr#ed so!e. I told h#! all the th#ngs I 'anted to say,all the resent!ents and all the a((rec#at#ons. At th#s (o#nt all o% the resent!ents turned out to be a((rec#at#ons any'ay 'h#ch #s al'ays a !#racle to !e 'hen #t ha((ens. I sa#d I 'as glad he had le%t and glad I had been (rec#(#tated #nto cr#s#s be4 cause I 'ouldn+t hae !#ssed do#ng th#s %or anyth#ng #n the 'orld. 'orld. I had needed needed to do a lot o% th#s and had neer done #t and no' I hae. At least I+e started. He sa#d he hadn+t allo'ed h#!sel% to gr#ee !uch at all. He told !e that he st#ll loed !e too and that he had !#ssed !e #n eery roo! o% the house and eery4 'here 'here he had been and all the t#!e. I sa#d sa#d that I cher4 #shed the loe I hae %or h#! and that 'hat 'as le%t 'as %or !e to beco!e detached %ro! h#! and that I 'as on
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!y 'ay to do#ng that. I really don+t bel#ee that I le%t anyth#ng unsa#d that I needed to say and #% I d#d I+ll hae a chance to say #t another t#!e. )e+re go#ng to kee( #n touch and he asked #% he could co!e back 'hen he 'as ready to talk about h#!sel%. 2ostly today 'hat he d#d 'as hae ery strong gr#e% react#ons and sadness to 'hat I sa#d to h#!. At one (o#nt 'e held each other and k#ssed and I told h#! I a((rec#ated h#! %or do#ng that because #t 'as the %#rst t#!e I had %elt horny s#nce he had 'alked out the door and I hadn+t been sure I st#ll had that react#on #n !e. Eentually 'e !ade loe and beaut#%ully and really good and I 'as glad %or that and d#dn+t %eel as #% I couldn+t bear to let h#! go. I% that !akes any sense. ;ou 'ere r#ght Brad #n that I d#d %#nd that 2ark #s not as e#l as I had bel#eed and a lot !ore des(erate than I had thought. And #t+s not !y (roble! any!ore. I told h#! I+d be as good a %r#end to h#! as I could and that I couldn+t rescue h#!. I had tr#ed and #t /ust hadn+t 'orked. I had by the 'ay a (er%ectly 'onder%ul *hanks4 g##ng. 2y s#ster 'as here and her son and o% course 2other and 'e had a great d#nner and a lot o% laugh#ng and talk#ng. I %ound eer s#nce *uesday that I can laugh '#th !y 'hole sel% aga#n. And I can st#ll be sad and !#ss 2ark and hate th#nk#ng about 0hr#st!as '#thout h#!. And I a! /ust a l#ttle rel#eed that I hae had those react#ons react#ons s#nce I bel#ee I 'ould be /ust a b#t strange strange not to hae the!. =7
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S#nce I started sort#ng out 'hat 'as go#ng on '#th !e I+e %ound so!e (atterns o% beha#or #n !e that I d#dn+t recogn#5e be%ore,l#ke 'hat a controll#ng (erson I+e been %or one. And the class#c caretaker4ty(e (er4 son obsessed '#th the beha#or o% so!eone else. And I+e %ound that I (robably hae another b#g (roble! to 'ork on,and I don+t kno' #n the sl#ghtest ho' to start although I #!ag#ne I+ll get to #t eentually. *hat #s be#ng a non4ach#eer. I 'ouldn+t een class#%y !ysel% as an underach#eer. *here+s bound to be so!e (attern I learned so!e'here along the 'ay that I bought #nto. Any'ay that+s 'here I a!. And I send loads o% loe to you both %or the (art you (layed #n !y ga#n#ng #ns#ght '#th 'h#ch to 'ork and the (ush I needed to (lunge !ysel% #nto the de(ths o% des(a#r and horror #n order to get out o% #t. And aboe all I loe you both %or the loe and su((ort you sho'ed !e. Another th#ng that+s co!e out o% th#s #s the kno'ledge that I hae !ore %r#ends than I kne' I had and !ost o% the! care enough to tell the truth at least as %ar as they can see #t and %or so!e #t+s (retty %ar. 2uch !uch loe Beth Beth cured her #ncessant gr#e#ng by contact and o(en conersat#on '#th 2ark. )hen #ncessant gr#e#ng occurs #t #s usually out o% the (erson+s atte!(t to handle anger by crying and %eel#ng bad and ha#ng obsess#onal thoughts. Once the resent!ent and a((rec#at#on and hurt get sorted out and e34 (ressed the gr#e#ng subs#des enough %or the (erson to !ake =
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a ne' start. *he (erson %org#es her loer not %or the loer+s bene%#t but %or her o'n. She e3(er#ences the loe and lets go. She e3(er#ences the hatred and lets go. F#nally she e34 (er#ences the gr#e% and lets go. In the (rocess she %org#es hersel% because in that dee$er self, formed bac5 when she was a very small child, she felt li5e anything bad that ha$$ened was really her
fault& So #n the (rocess o% gett#ng #nto and gett#ng oer rotten
%eel#ngs about others 'e get oer the rotten %eel#ngs about ourseles. *hrough the (rocess o% %org##ng our ene!#es our o'n %org#eness occurs. *h#s #s 'hy 'e hae to %org#e oth4 ers@ for our own benefit& Beth %orgae 2ark and hersel%. *hen she sto((ed tak#ng care o% h#! by (rotect#ng h#! %ro! the truth o% her anger and her loe and her not#ons about h#!. 2ark 'as another story. Because he %elt gu#lty %or ha4 #ng hurt her by runn#ng o%% '#th another 'o!an and a younger one at that he couldn+t add #nsult to #n/ury so he neer allo'ed h#!sel% to get !ad at her. He 'as des(erate oer ha#ng lost h#s /ob and h#s %or!er relat#onsh#( -t'o roles #n 'h#ch he had %elt sa%e though also tra((ed %or a long t#!e. A %e' !onths later he k#lled h#!sel% #n h#s ne' g#rl %r#end+s a(art!ent. H#s anger neer su%%#c#ently e3(ressed h#s %ear neer su%%#c#ently ackno'ledged h#s /udg!ents neer su%%#c#ently e3(osed to another 'ore h#! out and h#s !#nd ate h#!. He had told the truth about 'hat he had been h#d#ng %ro! Beth at leel one but he held back on shar#ng h#s %eel#ngs '#th anyone dur#ng th#s t#!e o% great stress and d#stress. He eng#neered h#s su#c#de '#th great sk#ll and del#bera4 t#on. H#s !#nd 'as thorough and e%%#c#ent. Only h#s related4 =<
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ness 'as #!(a#red. He used h#s !#nd to k#ll h#!sel% to esca(e h#s !#nd. )hen a (erson has not su%%#c#ently e3(ressed h#!sel% by tell#ng the truth at th#s second leel the !#nd !akes assess4 !ents. *hese /udg!ents are d#storted by the e!ot#ons '#th4 held and ao#ded. $udg!ents l#ke "I+! too t#red" "I can+t take #t any!ore" "It+s not 'orth the struggle" and "I+e got to get out o% th#s (lace" are (roducts o% #nco!(lete d#sclo4 sure o% %eel#ngs to'ard and thoughts about others. Beth unl#ke 2ark ach#eed del#erance %ro! her !#nd+s tyranny by tell#ng the truth at the second leel. Both started '#th s#!#lar su%%er#ng. He d#ed l#terally by h#s o'n hand. She d#ed to 'ho she had been and ach#eed trans%or!at#on. )ho she 'as to hersel% (assed a'ay and she !oed on. *he go4 ern!ent o% the early %or!at#e !#nd 'as oerthro'n and no longer do!#nated the be#ng. *h#s trans%or!at#on #s as (o'er4 %ul as the reerse #s trag#c. *he %ollo'#ng e3cer(ts %ro! D.H. a'rence+s (oe! New Heaven and a New "arth, celebrate th#s ty(e o% l#berat#on. I 'as so 'eary o% the 'orld. I 'as so s#ck o% #t. eeryth#ng 'as ta#nted '#th !ysel% sk#es trees %lo'ers b#rds 'ater (eo(le houses streets eh#cles !ach#nes nat#ons ar!#es 'ar (eace4talk#ng 'ork recreat#on goern#ng anarchy #t 'as all ta#nted '#th !ysel% I kne' #t all to start '#th because #t 'as all !ysel%. 64
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)hen I gathered %lo'ers I kne' #t 'as !ysel% (luck#ng !y o'n %lo'er#ng )hen I 'ent on a tra#n I kne' #t 'as !ysel% traell#ng by !y o'n #nent#on. )hen I heard the cannon o% the 'ar I l#stened '#th !y o'n ears to !y o'n destruct#on. )hen I sa' the torn dead I kne' #t 'as !y o'n torn dead body. It 'as all !e. I had done #t all #n !y o'n %lesh. I shall neer %orget the !an#acal horror o% #t all #n the end 'hen eeryth#ng 'as !e I kne' #t all already I ant#c#(ated #t all #n !y soul. because I 'as the author and the result I 'as the God and the creat#on at onceJ creator I looked at !y creat#onJ created I looked at !ysel% the creatorJ #t 'as a !an#acal horror #n the end. At last ca!e death su%%#c#ency o% death and that at last rel#eed !e I d#ed. and I a! dead and trodden to nought #n the s!oke sodden to!bJ dead and trodden to nought #n the sour black earth o% the to!bJ dead and trodden to nought trodden to nought. God but #t #s good to hae d#ed and been trodden out trodden to nought #n sour dead earth 65
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?u#te to nought absolutely to noth#ng noth#ng noth#ng noth#ng. For 'hen #t #s ?u#te ?u#te noth#ng then #t #s eeryth#ng. )hen I a! trodden ?u#te out ?u#te ?u#te out eery est#ge gone then I a! here r#sen acco!(l#sh#ng a resurrect#on r#sen not born aga#n but r#sen body the sa!e as be%ore ne' beyond kno'ledge o% ne'ness al#e beyond l#%e (roud bey ond #nkl#ng or %urthest conce(t#on o% (r#de l##ng 'here l#%e 'as neer yet drea!ed o% nor h#nted at here #n the other 'orld st#ll terrestr#al !ysel% the sa!e as be%ore yet unaccountably ne'. I #n the sour black to!b trodden to absolute death I (ut out !y hand #n the n#ght one n#ght and !y hand touched that 'h#ch 'as er#ly not !e er#ly #t 'as not !e. )here I had been 'as a sudden bla5e a sudden %lar#ng bla5e1 So I (ut !y hand out %urther a l#ttle %urther and I %elt that 'h#ch 'as not I #t er#ly 'as not I #t 'as the unkno'n. Ha I 'as a bla5e lea(#ng u(7. I 'as a t#ger burst#ng #nto sunl#ght.
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I 'as greedy I 'as !ad %or the unkno'n. I ne' r#sen resurrected stared %ro! the 0o!b stared %ro! a l#%e o% deour#ng al'ays !ysel% no' here 'as I ne' a'akened '#th !y hand stretch#ng out and touch#ng the unkno'n the real unkno'n the unkno'n unkno'n. 2y God but I can only say I 0ouch I %eel the unkno'n1 I a! the %#rst co!er1 0ortes P#5arro 0olu!bus 0abot they are noth#ng noth#ng1 I a! the %#rst co!er1 I a! the d#scoerer1 I hae %ound the other 'orld1 Ic 'as the %lank o% !y '#%e I touched '#th !y hand I clutched '#th !y hand r#s#ng ne' a'akened %ro! the co!b1 It 'as the %lank o% !y '#%e 'ho! I !arr#ed years ago at 'hose s#de I hae la#n %or oer a thousand n#ghts and all that (re#ous 'h#le she 'as I she 'as IJ I tou ched her #t 'as I 'ho touched and I 'ho 'as touched. ;et r#s#ng %ro! the to!b %ro! the black obl##on stretch#ng out !y hand !y hand %lung l#ke a dro'ned !an+s hand on a rock
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I touched her %lank and kne' I 'as carr#ed by the current #n death oer to the ne' 'orld and I 'as cl#!b#ng out on the shore r#sen not to the old 'orld the old changeless I the old l#%e 'akened not to the old kno'ledge but to a ne' earth a ne' I a ne' kno'ledge a ne' 'orld o% t#!e. *he utter and co!(lete ne'ness the #tal#ty o% or#g#nal e3(er#ence that a'rence celebrates here #s aa#lable only through the destruct#on o% the old 'orld o% l#es roles and secrets. *he death o% th#s ta#nted 'orld #s the reb#rth o% the authentic sel% #nclud#ng the 'orld and the relat#onsh#(s that
(artly const#tute that sel%. Le(el Th#ee5 E9,o$in) %he +ic%ion
I!ag#ne l##ng out o% the trans%or!at#on D.H. a'4 rence descr#bes1 *h#s #s the th#rd leel o% tell#ng the truth@ the (lace 'here tell#ng the truth and l##ng the truth beco!e the sa!e. *h#s #s the (lace o% 'h#ch the H#ndus say "I% you s(eak the truth long enough your 'ord beco!es un#ersal la'." *he th#rd leel o% tell#ng the truth occurs 'hen you admit, that who you are is not who you have been $retending to be&
)hat you hae been sell#ng other (eo(le on and sell#ng yoursel% on #s not 'ho you are. ;ou don+t really kno' 'ho you are. ;ou con%ess d#s#llus#on!ent '#th bel#e%s you used to stand %or and ar#ous sales (#tches you d#d and st#ll do %or your act. *h#s #s at %#rst e!barrass#ng then %or a 'h#le so!e4 6:
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th#ng to brag about and then /ust a descr#(t#on o% 'hat ha(4 (ened to you #n the course o% gro'#ng u(. *he (rocess o% de!ytholog#5#ng yoursel% #s begun by bragg#ng about all the th#ngs 'h#ch #n your %alse !odesty you 'ere (retend#ng you d#dn+t care about. ;ou hae to go through your an#ty and the su%%er#ng assoc#ated '#th #t. ;ou hae to sho' o%% and be e!barrassed both o% 'h#ch are egot#s! and you can+t sk#( dodge or get around th#s ste(. ;ou hae to (ra#se yoursel% o(enly rather than !an#(ulate to suck (ra#se. ;ou hae to ackno'ledge be#ng a secret hero to yoursel% and con%ess the (utr#d an#ty o% all o% your usual (hony sel%4den#grat#on. ;ou hae to ad!#t 'hat a 'or! and a l#ar you are and go through the %eel#ngs that co!e u( 'hen you tell the truth about all o% th#s. I% you hae neer truly e!barrassed yoursel% by 'hat you had to say about yoursel% you don+t kno' sh#t %ro! sh!ola about trans%or!at#on. )hen you get to tell#ng the truth about all o% #t you are at leel three. !ho you are becomes more a descri$tion centered in the here and now, and less of a story about, your life&
)hen you ad!#t your act you also ad!#t your #gno4 rance. ;ou con%ess that you deelo(ed your act #n order not to a((ear lost and #n ho(es o% %#nd#ng your 'ay by %ak#ng #t. *hen you ad!#t that you are lost and %ak#ng #t !ost o% the t#!e these days as 'ell not /ust #n the %ar4re!oed (ast. Be%ore you acted s!artJ no' you ackno'ledge #gnorance l#ke #t #s gold. I conduct a n#ne4day 'orksho( seeral t#!es eery year. One o% the e3erc#ses 'e do #noles tell#ng the ent#re story o% our l#%e to the grou( 'h#le be#ng #deota(ed ans'er#ng e4 eryone+s ?uest#ons and then 'atch#ng the ta(e. Peo(le de!4 69
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onstrate the#r attach!ent to ar#ous t#!es #n the#r l#es and are !oed at the (laces ke(t (rec#ous to !e!ory. *he !ost4 re!e!bered t#!es are usually the hard t#!es and the (erson 'hose story #t #s turns out to be a hero or hero#ne #n s(#te o% d#%%#cult or un%a#r c#rcu!stances. sually the younger a (er4 son #s the longer #t takes the! to tell the#r story. ;ounger (eo(le -#n the#r :s see! to hae !ore s#gn#%#cant !o!ents #n 'h#ch deta#ls and #nter(retat#ons o% !ean#ng are ery #!4 (ortant. It #s th#s ego4attach!ent to ha#ng hero#cally sur4 #ed the un%a#rness o% the 'orld that has to be g#en u( at leel three o% tell#ng the truth. *h#s #s a breakthrough to the ne'ness and #nnocence o% young a'areness a%ter you hae been adolescent !#nd4bound and /aded %or years. &obody I kno' stays at leel three constantly. 0ont#nu4 ous 'aes o% %reedo! and ne' egot#s! one l#berat#on a%ter another kee( /ust gett#ng you back to the sa!e (lace. But #% you are #n a co!!un#ty 'h#ch su((orts you #n tell#ng the truth you get to leel three !ore o%ten. eel three #s shar#ng '#th other (eo(le #n 'ays that occas#onally allo' you to oerco!e your o'n egot#s! #n4 clud#ng the egot#s! that co!es %ro! th#nk#ng you are great %or tell#ng the truth. ;ou start cons#der#ng yoursel% to be a (erson 'ho atta#ned leel three. ;ou hae atta#ned #n %act a h#gher leel than !ost (eo(le gro'n %urther than !ost (eo4 (le and you are (roud o% yoursel%. ;ou kno' that your act #s not 'ho you are /ust a use%ul deelo(!ent that ca!e %ro! gro'#ng u(. ;ou hae been good. ;ou+e gro'n a long 'ay. ;ou hae ad!#tted not kno'#ng ho' to %#nd your ass '#th both hands '#th so!e e!barrass!ent and you desere a re'ard. 70
L"("L ) /3 T"LL1 N TH" TR+TH
"I+! great I a! a su(er#or be#ng good %or !e th#s #s #t I+e gro'n u( I+e atta#ned enl#ghten!ent and I a! s(ec#al" you say to yoursel%. ;our hard4earned hu!#l#ty #s ?u#ckly %ol4 lo'ed by (r#de #n your hu!#l#ty. O'n#ng u( to the %act that there #s no #rtue #n o'n#ng u( #s the cont#nuat#on o% the th#rd leel o% tell#ng the truth. )hat you end u( '#th #% you dro( your ne' (r#de #s #nno4 cence !uch l#ke you had be%ore you deelo(ed an #dent#ty. )hat you hae then #s an #dent#ty '#thout be#ng !uch at4 tached to #t. *here #s less to learn at the th#rd leel o% tell#ng the truth but #t takes !ore 'ork and (ract#ce than other leels. *h#s leel #noles (ract#ce !ore than #ns#ght. It+s l#ke the d#%%erence bet'een be#ng a good a!ateur gol%er and beco!4 #ng a (ro%ess#onal #n the ga!e. *here #s a lot o% %#ne tun#ng o% sk#lls and (ract#ce to kee( the! shar( and #t takes longer than the other three leels generally take. As %ar as I kno' #t #s neer oer. 2y e3(ert#se #s at an end here. &ot that e3(ert#se has eer hel(ed a hell o% a lot at earl#er leels but I hae had !ore e3(er#ence there. *o concentrate on th#ngs outs#de o% your re(utat#on to yoursel% doesn+t re?u#re any e%%ort at all so #t #s hard as hell to do. Our !#nds are al'ays 'ork#ng. *h#s ceaseless !ental act##ty '#ll cont#nue to occur 'hether 'e take #t ser#ously or not. But the (ract#ce o% tak#ng #t less ser#ously can+t be taken too ser#ously or 'e are back #n our !#nds aga#n. *he less credence 'e g#e to our !#nds+ ongo4 #ng act##ty the !ore 'e detach %ro! #dent#%y#ng '#th that act##ty the less #t 'ears us out. eel three #noles #g#lance aga#nst be#ng taken oer by the !#nd. ;ou neer get a break. 7
TH" M1N*
*here #s no re'ard to #t e3ce(t clar#ty and a l#ttle less stra#n. )hat #s true changes so 'e can+t tell the truth once and be done '#th #t. It+s an ongo#ng ga!e. #%e #s a ga!e #n 'h#ch the rules change as the ga!e (rogresses and you hae to kno' 'here you are #n the ga!e to kno' 'hat rules to (lay by. Further!ore you can+t eer be certa#n 'here you are #n the ga!e and the rules don+t al'ays a((ly. Lea#nin) %o Tell %he T#%h I$ Li;e Lea#nin) %o Play /olf )hen you learn gol% at the %#rst leel you (ract#ce the %unda!entals unt#l you can h#t the ball. At the second leel
you (ol#sh u( your bas#c sk#lls and lo'er your score by (lay4 #ng a lot. *he th#rd leel #noles ad!#tt#ng that th#nk#ng about your e3(er#ence and '#sdo! about gol% and =8 cents '#ll get you a cu( o% co%%ee that stor#es you hae and tell about great gol% shots or een great gol% rounds are /ust bull4 sh#t about gol% and not the sa!e as (lay#ng gol%. )hen you+e got that you actually start gett#ng better and you start drea!#ng o% beco!#ng a (ar gol%er. )hen you start beat#ng the (eo(le 'ho used to beat you and beat your teacher you are sol#dly at the th#rd leel because #% you 'ere th#nk#ng about beat#ng the! 'h#le you 'ere actually (lay#ng you 'ouldn+t hae beat the!. ;ou learn that each shot has noth4 #ng to do '#th the last or '#th your re(utat#on %or good shots at any (reced#ng (o#nt. *he th#rd leel beco!#ng a (ro%ess#onal #s the hardest. *o !oe %ro! good to (ro%ess#onal #s harder than any o% the other adances een though 'e+re /ust talk#ng about chang4 72
L"("L) /3 T"LLEN TH" TR+TH
#ng an aerage score %or 7 holes by a %e' strokes. *o go %ro! "good" to (ro%ess#onal #s tougher than gett#ng %ro! unsk#lled to good. Each leel o% adance!ent takes !ore 'ork. At the last leel een though the d#%%erence #n score #s ery sl#ght the d#%%erence #n (lay#ng ab#l#ty #s #!!ense. It takes a long t#!e and an unusual a!ount o% ded#cat#on to !oe %ro! a h#gh leel o% sk#ll to a h#gher leel. A lot o% (eo(le go %or #t and don+t !ake #t #n gol% and tenn#s and a lot o% other s(orts. Daydrea!#ng about be#ng a (ro can #nter%ere '#th your (ract#ce and your ga!e. Plann#ng each shot and then be#ng (resent to the shot you are !ak#ng oer and oer aga#n #s a leel o% non4hyster#cal concentrat#on #n 'h#ch the ego o% the concentrator doesn+t e3#st because there #s no d#%%erence #n that be#ng concentrated on and the concentrator,no d#%%er4 ence bet'een the act and the actor the (lay and the (layer. *he ball #s h#t and #t rolls to'ard the hole and you 'onder 'hy (eo(le 'ant to g#e you cred#t %or #t. *o really clean u( your act '#th regard to ly#ng #s l#ke beco!#ng a (ro. I% you 'ere 'ell4loed as a s!all ch#ld you hae !ore natural ab#l#ty %or the %#rst leel o% gro'th #n tell4 #ng the truth. I% you su%%ered a lot #n deelo(#ng your #dent#ty #n adolescence but deelo(ed an #dent#ty that sho'ed %orth regardless o% the roles you (layed so that the l#es you told yoursel% and others about 'ho you 'ere actually 'orked you hae a better chance o% !ak#ng #t (ast the second leel o% tell#ng the truth. ;ou hae to hae an ego to g#e one u(. ;ou can only ad!#t the truth about your ar#ous (oses and your %unda4 !ental (ose -'hat !any (ersonal#ty theor#sts call the sel% 73
TH" M1N*
a%ter you hae deelo(ed a %unda!ental (ose that 'orks and seres you 'ell. *hen you can beco!e d#ssat#s%#ed '#th the l#!#tat#ons #!(osed by that (ose. At leel three you hae to get oer your ne' egot#s! about ha#ng !ade #t to leel three. Once you co!e o%% #t t'o or three t#!es and ad!#t your (retent#ousness and you get to th#nk#ng you are (retty #rtuous you !ust then o'n u( to the %act that o'n#ng u( to the %acts #s not a #rtue /ust gro'th. *here #s great des(a#r assoc#ated '#th that. Gett#ng #nto that des(a#r leads d#rectly to the here4and4no' sel%. *he 'ork #s analogous to beco!#ng the best a!ateur gol%er and '#nn#ng a cou(le o% a!ateur tourna!ents and dec#d#ng to beco!e a (ro. ;ou 'ork and 'ork and 'ork and %#nally g#e u(. *hen once you hae lost ho(e #% you kee( (lay#ng you+re a (ro. nderstand#ng tell#ng the truth l#ke understand#ng gol% #s relat#ely s#!(le. Do#ng #t #s a l#ttle harder. St#ll #t+s clear that the reelat#ons at each leel o% tell#ng the truth allo' %or greater shar#ng o% 'ho a (erson #s and 'hat they are about. )hen 'e reeal !ore 'e hae less to h#de. )hen 'e hae less to h#de 'e are less 'orr#ed about be#ng %ound out. )hen 'e are less 'orr#ed about be#ng %ound out 'e can (ay better attent#on to so!eone else. In th#s 'ay tell#ng the truth !akes #nt#!acy and %reedo! (oss#ble. &o' s#nce I a! su((osed to be a (ro at th#s let !e tell you !ore about 'ho I a! and 'hat I a! about and 'e+ll see #% I coer all the leels.
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*he *ruth About )hy I A! )r#t#ng *h#s Book I a! 'r#t#ng th#s book because I 'ant to beco!e %a4 !ous. I 'ant a lot o% (eo(le to kno' !y na!e no' and a%ter I d#e. I 'ant to be kno'n as a great #ntellect and (er4 ce#er and I 'ant to be s!arter than anyone else. 2ore (rec#sely I 'ant to be thought to be s!arter than eeryone else. *he (leasure o% #!ag#n#ng other (eo(le #!ag#n#ng !e s!arter #s an e3(er#ence o% 'ar!th a dull but (leasant sensa4 t#on acco!(an#ed by a sl#ght s!#le and an #nner #s#on o% (eo(le read#ng !y book and talk#ng about !e '#th e3c#te4 !ent l#ke !y '#%e A!y and I do read#ng Fr#edr#ch &#et54 sche 'ho #s long dead. *he (leasure o% %antas#5#ng about the %uture #s hard to descr#be. It #s a lot l#ke be#ng really 'ra((ed u( #n a noel or be#ng so #nto a task that an en/oyable e3(er#ence o% %orgett#ng about t#!e occurs. It #s en/oyable !ostly because I a! not 'orry#ng at the t#!e. Fantasy about the %uture takes the (lace o% 'orry and the %eel#ng #s (leasant rather than stra#n#ng *h#s %antasy about beco!#ng %a!ous has a lot o% related %an4 tas#es that are also (leasurable. For e3a!(le th#s !orn#ng I had the %antasy that a * #nter#e'er 'as #nter#e'#ng !e on ca!era about th#s book. He asked so!e T<*o#nin) $ho4 ty(e o% stu(#d ?uest#ons so I re%used to ans'er and began ?uest#on#ng h#!. I sa#d ")hy do you ask such stu(#d ?uest#ons" I loe to #!ag#ne (utt#ng do'n one o% those du!b4assed #nter#e'ers on the !orn#ng talk sho's %or the#r sn#ell#ng '#!(y 'ays (ush#ng (eo(le to hurry u( and say so!eth#ng I hate !orn#ng sho's and Time !aga5#ne and all the hyster#cs 'ho 'ork %or the!. I hate a lot o% the stu(#d (eo(le I see on tele#s#on eery day and I l#ke hat#ng the!. I 75
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loe hat#ng the!. I loe hat#ng the! because #t !akes !e certa#n that although I !ay be bad I a! not as %ucked u( as those (eo(le. )hat a (leasure #t #s to hae a %antasy o% !al#ce1 )hen I hae the %antasy I e3(er#ence energy #n !y body that #s (leasurable to !e. I l#ke %antas#es o% r#ghteous anger. 2y heart s(eeds u( and I get a h#t o% energy. It+s e3c#t#ng l#ke l#sten#ng to the one Ranger on the rad#o 'hen I 'as #n grade school. *he %antas#es that #n#gorate !e that eoke th#s e3c#te!ent are a constant source o% enterta#n!ent to !e. I 'ant to beco!e %a!ous. I a! (#ssed. I get (leasure by #!ag#n#ng !ysel% be#ng !ore r#ght and (o'er%ul than you other assholes. I 'ant to (roe that I+! better than you at tell#ng the truth by teach#ng you ho' to do #t. Hardly anyone kno's the alue o% tell#ng the truth,so #t looks l#ke an o(4 (ortune o(en#ng to !ake a re(utat#on %or !ysel%. I also 'ant to be a good !an. I 'ant to hel( (eo(le. I #!ag#ne !ysel% as the sa#or. I get o%% on #!ag#n#ng !e sa#ng you %ro! the raages o% your o'n !#nd. I get ?u#te a good h#t o% !y o'n energy %ro! that %antasy. I 'r#te th#s book to 'ar! !ysel% '#th %antas#es. So!e o% !y %aor#te %antas#es are %a!e r#ghteous anger su(er#or4 #ty (o'er and be#ng a sa#or. I #!ag#ne I 'ant to sae e4 eryone. I 'ant to sae the 'hole 'orld. I l#ke to th#nk o% !ysel% as hel(#ng to sae the 'orld. I th#nk I am hel(#ng to sae the 'orld. I l#ke the 'ork. I bel#ee that eok#ng %eel#ng as o((osed to su((ress#ng %eel#ng '#ll o(en an o((ortun#ty to sae the 'orld. I en/oy #!ag#n#ng !ysel% a leader #n encour4 ag#ng (eo(le to l#e out loud to reeal 'hat #s h#dden to tell the truth and let the ch#(s %all 'here they !ay. I l#ke to th#nk =
L"("L) /3 T"LL1N TH" TR+TH
o% !ysel% as a good !an %or gett#ng (eo(le to ado(t th#s as a l#%e stance %ro! the beg#nn#ng,as a stand to take #n the 'orld. $esus 'as a good angry !an 'ho 'anted to sae the 'orld. I 'ant to be l#ke $esus. I 'ant to !ake !oney %ro! 'r#t#ng th#s book. I 'ant to hae a lot o% (eo(le 'ant#ng to co!e see !e #n thera(y or be #n one o% !y grou(s or co!e to !y "*ell#ng the *ruth" 'orksho(s. I 'ant to get r#ch so I can trael and 'r#te !ore. I a! already r#ch but I+! greedy and I 'ant !ore than !ost (eo(le hae. I+! l#ke $udas #n that 'ay. I 'ant /ust a l#ttle e3tra. I also 'ant to 'r#te th#s book #n su((ort o% (eo(le 'ho hae been #n thera(y '#th !e and (eo(le 'ho hae been '#th other thera(#sts l#ke !e. I 'ant to s(eak to %r#ends 'ho hae gro'n u( '#th !e so!e o% 'ho! I kno' and so!e I don+t kno'. I %eel #rtuous and (roud to be the k#nd o% guy I a!. F#nally I 'r#te to clar#%y !y o'n thoughts because I th#nk !y thoughts are #!(ortant. )hen I hae to (er%or! l#ke th#s %or a 'h#le !y l#%e has !ean#ng and clar#ty. *hat I hae these %antas#es thoughts and (oses #s the truth. I a! not /ust (lay#ng l#ke they are true to de!onstrate !y #deas about the leels o% tell#ng the truth. I 'ant these th#ngs and I th#nk these th#ngs and !asturbate !y %rontal lobes '#th these th#ngs. So I 'ant to beco!e %a!ous. I a! (#ssed. I 'ant to be a good !an. I 'ant to !ake !oney. I 'ant to su((ort (eo4 (le. I 'ant to th#nk clearly. *hat about coers #t. *hese th#ngs 1 'ant are also %alse they are l#es they don+t e3#st they are bullsh#t. *he %antas#es !ake !e %eel 77
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good. I tell you !y %antas#es and so!e o% the! !ake you th#nk I +! a good (erson and so!e !ake you th#nk I a! a bad (erson but they all are calculated to !ake you th#nk I a! an e3ce(t#onal (erson. I% I l#e to you #n order to !ake you th#nk I a! really an e3ce(t#onally good (erson and you buy #t !aybe I can con#nce !ysel%. *he only trouble #s I kno' the bastard 'ho 'as do#ng the sales (#tch #n the %#rst (lace. )hat could kee( !e tra((ed at th#s leel 'ould be '#thhold#ng %antasy on the bas#s o% %antasy l#ke #% I d#dn+t tell you the truth about !y "delus#ons oF grandeur" so you 'ouldn+t th#nk I 'as an asshole and not buy !y book. But I also kno' that #% you are look#ng %or a book that 'asn+t 'r#tten by an asshole you+e got a long search ahead o% you. Eery asshole 'ho 'r#tes a book #s a neurot#c !egalo!an#ac /ust l#ke !e. 2ost other 'r#ters hae enough sense to '#th4 hold %antas#es on the bas#s o% another %antasy that #t #s (ol#t#c to '#thhold %antas#es. 2ost 'r#ters are tra((ed #n the#r !#nds. ;ou are "(ol#t#c" #n th#s 'ay 'hen you #!ag#ne your4 sel% a good (erson because you don+t tell your '#%e about /ack#ng o%% 'h#le th#nk#ng about her s#ster or don+t tell your boss about your secret (lans or don+t tell your !other you (#ssed #n the ch#cken sou( 'hen you 'ere 7. *h#s #s be#ng so lost #n #llus#on you can+t (oss#bly eer reach young adult4 hood. *ell your '#%e the truth about your %antas#es about eeryone else #nclud#ng her s#ster -and all those an#!als and th#ngs tooJ tell your boss about your (lans your !#stakes and all that !ar#/uana you s!okedJ and %or God+s sake tell your !other about the sou(. I% the truth #s told you+ll %eel
L"("L) /3 T"LL1N TH" TR+TH
rel#eed because you hae been an%ious #n so!e ague 'ay %or so long you %orgot 'here #t ca!e %ro! but ke(t #t u( any'ay because you kne' so!eth#ng bad 'as about to ha(4 (en but /ust couldn+t re!e!ber 'hat #t 'as. An3#ety #s 'hat acco!(an#es %antasy crashes and near4coll#s#ons. De(ress#on #s the state acco!(any#ng gr#dlock #n %antasyland. 2ost o% us daydrea! a 'h#le and (lay #n the 'orld a 'h#le #n /ust the 'ay I hae descr#bed the t#!e s(ent #n the daydrea!s be#ng !uch greater. Learning to balance conG sciously the daydreaming and living re7uires a clear distinction
between lying and the truth& )hat clears the s(ace %or that d#s4 t#nct#on #s gett#ng to 'here you don+t care 'hat anyone kno's about you. Fuck +e! #% they can+t take a /oke. I 'r#te th#s book out o% a daydrea! o% (o'er and to 'ork on the (leasure o% th#nk#ng and brood#ng and to burn a %e' #llus#ons to 'ar! !ysel% '#th and to create an #!ag#ned %uture that 'on+t be 'hat I had ho(ed %or 'hen #t gets here. It #s !ore %un to share and (roduce and create out o% %antasy than to '#thhold out o% %antasy. &ot to tell you o% !y drea!s o% %a!e and (o'er and !oney !#ght hel( !e (rotect !y (ose as an e3(ert and kee( you %ro! th#nk#ng /ust another /erk 'rote th#s book. But /ust another /erk d#d 'r#te th#s book.
"ho Do Yo Thin; You Are Detach!ent %ro! the goals (ro/ects and ealuat#ons o% the !#nd #s acco!(l#shed through a change #n ho' 'e #den4 t#%y 'ho 'e are. *he (ur(ose o% tell#ng the truth at all leels #s to d#sconnect %ro! and ste( back %ro! (re#ous #dent#t#es. )hen 'e #dent#%y the electr#c4(erce#er4be#ng4o%4the4 79
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!o!ent as 'ho 'e are the be#ng l#ke a s#34!onth4old ch#ld ,al#e alert and not tra((ed #n (reconce(t#on,'e locate and anchor #n (resent4tense e3(er#ence. )hen th#s occurs 'e ga#n the (o'er to use our !#nds as tools rather than as !ach#nes %or the de%ense o% 'ho 'e th#nk 'e ought to hae other (eo(le th#nk 'e are. 2ost o% us !ost o% the t#!e #dent#%y ourseles as our case h#stor#es and beco!e e!bro#led #n the d#le!!as o% the !#nd. By (ay#ng attent#on to the language (eo(le use I can tell 'hether they are #dent#%y#ng '#th the "case4h#story4and4 /udge" sel% or the "be#ng4#n4the4!o!ent" sel%. *he lan4 guage o% the "be#ng4#n4the4!o!ent" sel% #s the language o% the one Ranger+s %r#end *onto@ "2e hungry." "2e th#rsty." "2e 'anta go." )hen thera(y 'orks to rel#ee an3#ety or de(ress#on or delus#onal (a#n there #s a trans%or!at#on o% the 'ay l#%e #s became of a change in who a $erson says he is& *hera(y #s not
!erely to !od#%y the beha#or o% the case4h#story sel%. *her4 a(y has 'orked 'hen the sub/ect+s 'hole #dent#%#cat#on '#th h#s case h#story #s loosened and an #dent#%#cat#on '#th h#s sel%4 #n4the4!o!ent (redo!#nates. )hen th#s ha((ens (eo(le talk d#%%erently. O% course success%ul thera(y does rad#cally !od#%y the beha#or one 'ould (red#ct based on the case h#story. *hese !od#%#cat#ons are a secondary e%%ect o% trans%or!at#on. *hey are the result o% the sub/ect+s o'n#ng and us#ng the case4 h#story sel% %ro! the stand(o#nt o% #dent#%#cat#on '#th the be#ng4#n4the4!o!ent sel%. ;ou #dent#%y yoursel% as that l#ght o% attent#on that #s on #n th#s !o!ent and 'as on #n those (ast !o!ents. *hose (ast !o!ents are !erely records that
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e3#st #n th#s !o!ent and that+s all they are. )ho you 'ere be%ore th#s second #s already dead. )ho you are #s !erely 'ho you are no' !e!ory #ncluded heartbeat o% t#!e #n4 cluded no' dead aga#n no' born aga#n no' dead aga#n aga#n. ;ou see all that I /ust sa#d about !ysel% #s true. All o% 'hat I /ust sa#d about !ysel% #s also a /oke. All o% 'hat I /ust sa#d about !ysel% #s /ust a !e!ory ke(t al#e %or a %e' sec4 onds aga#n so I can %eel cons#stent about 'ho I th#nk I a!. Gett#ng born aga#n %eels real good %or a 'h#le unt#l 'e get to th#nk#ng that 'ho 'e are #s so!eone 'ho got born aga#n. *hat so!eone 'ho got born aga#n needs to d#e aga#n and get born aga#n aga#n. And so %orth. I (retend on the one hand to be an author#ty and on the other to hae no author#ty. Both cla#!s are true. And 'ho I a! r#ght no' doesn+t hae !uch to do '#th the eal4 uat#ons and /udg!ents that !ake u( the role o% author#ty or the role o% author#ty 'ho s#!ultaneously cla#!s no author#ty. *hese (oses are !ean#ngless. *he alue o% ackno'ledg#ng these !ean#ngless (oses #s that the l#!#tat#ons they #!(ose on !y 'ay o% be#ng are l#%ted. I !ay st#ll use 'hat I kno' and ad!#t 'hat I don+t kno' '#thout 'orry#ng about 'hat #t !eans about !e. *he alue o% gett#ng %ree %ro! role do!#na4 t#on #s greater energy to use %or creat#on rather than de%ense. "ho Yo A#e
)hat you are look#ng at no' #s a (#ece o% (a(er '#th #nk on #t. )ho you are #s the one look#ng. *hat be#ng you are look#ng at the (age #s the one to surrender your case4 81
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h#story sel% to. *hat be#ng you are look#ng at th#s (age no' #s the greater conte3t '#th#n 'h#ch your case4h#story (erson4 al#ty res#des. )ho you are #s a un#?ue ers#on o% the holy hu!an (rototy(e '#th (ersonal#ty #ncluded.
PART III
Liberation of the 4eing from 1ts Mind
BEI&G AB&OR2A; HO&ES* ;1 ought to go u$right and vital, and s$ea5 the rude truth in all ways,;
, Ra l$ h !a ld o "m er so n
)
hen the being, %or 'ho! the l#ght %#rst ca!e on #n the 'o!b and 'ho #s the background al#eness run by the #noluntary nerous syste! s(eaks #t uses a (art#cular language. *he mind, 'h#ch gre' out o% the be#ng l#ke trees gro' out o% the earth #s at %#rst a (rotector o% be#ng and a%ter a 'h#le beco!es a (aras#te. )hen the mind s(eaks #t also uses a (art#cular language. *he language o% the be#ng #s descri$tive language. *he language o% the !#nd #s evaluative language. )hen you tell the truth you are %ree s#!(ly by #rtue o% descr#b#ng 'hat #s so. *h#s descr#(t#e language eokes a %eel#ng o% a%%#r!at#on a '#ll#ngness to be an a((rec#at#on %or be#ng al#e #n the 'orld as #t #s. )hen so!eone s(eaks the truth eeryone around the! #s touched and there #s hardly anyth#ng to say back e3ce(t "A#n+t #t the truth." *he be#ng '#th#n 'h#ch the !#nd res#des #s then s(eak#ng and #s #n charge o% the !#nd rather than gett#ng used by the !#nd. 8
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*he secret o% the good l#%e #s not su%%ocat#ng #n the !#nd+s bullsh#t. Bullsh#t #s l#ke hero#n -or a 'ar! blanket or !oney #n the bank or l#%e #nsurance,#t %eels so good and (rotected and sa%e and 'ar! that een #% you do choke on your o'n (uke you don+t !#nd so !uch. *he alternat#e %reedo! #s o%ten too terr#%y#ng %or a !#nd to tolerate so the !#nd h#des %ro! %reedo! beh#nd (#les o% bullsh#t under blankets o% ealuat#on #n a bed o% !e!or#es. Descr#b#ng 'hat #s true ru#ns the esca(e %ro! %reedo! that be#ng lost #n the !#nd o%%ers. Descr#(t#e 'ords co!e out o% be#ngs 'ho are #n charge o% the#r !#nds. Ealuat#e language co!es out o% !#nds #n charge o% be#ng. Peo(le 'ho s(eak s#!(ly and clearly hae chosen %reedo! oer the esca(e #nto the #llus#on o% secur#ty. +#eedo*= %he Lan)a)e of +#eedo*= %he +eelin) of +#eedo* An honest (erson #s %ree by #rtue o% not be#ng lost #n
her o'n !#nd. An honest (erson #s a be#ng '#th#n 'ho! the ongo#ng %lo' o% e3(er#ence occurs and 'ho has a !#nd %ull o% gu#d#ng abstract#ons but %or 'ho! ne#ther c#rcu!stance nor (r#nc#(les dictate act#on. Act#on that #s clearly #ntent#onal occurs but results %ro! consc#ousness o% c#rcu!stance o% (r#nc#(les and o% consc#ousness #tsel%. *he s#!(le language that (o#nts to e3(er#ence as 'ell as language that su!!ar#5es and abstracts %ro! e3(er#ence are both s(oken by the honest (erson. *he un#tary background (r#nc#(le #s not the leel o% abstract#on but the #ntent#on to accurately descr#be 'hat #s so regardless o% cons#derat#ons o% (ro(r#ety. )hen I s(eak clearly I e3(er#ence !oe!ent and sensat#on #n !y body =
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and eoke the sa!e #n the body o% the (erson s(oken to. )hen they s(eak back clearly 'e both are !oed aga#n. Honest (eo(le are cont#nually sur(r#sed by une3(ected sen4 sat#on and !oe!ent and hae learned not to !#nd %ha% so !uch. *he t#!e co!es 'hen the %eel#ng o% #nsecur#ty be4 co!es less than a dreaded occurrence. It beco!es a !ost (rec#ous and alued %or! o% e3c#te!ent a 'ay o% e3(er#enc4 #ng be#ng al#e #n a he#ghtened 'ay a 'ay o% gett#ng h#gh. 2ost o% us neer oerco!e the butcher#ng o% our u(br#ng#ng enough to d#scoer ho' to tolerate the e3(er#ence o% %ree4 do! and learn to rel#sh ha#ng #t. "o#d$ A#e Label$ fo# Pic%#e$= and None of The* A#e Real About a do5en t#!es #n the (ast %#%teen years I hae
gone to Greece to the Island o% Pat!os 'h#ch I (art#cularly loe. Eery t#!e I go back I str#ke out 'alk#ng across the h#lls look#ng at the sea and the other #slands #n the d#stance and the blue sky say#ng oer and oer to !ysel% #n !y !#nd "Da!n I+! glad to be back1 I a! back aga#n1 *h#s #s /ust l#ke be%ore. It+s as beaut#%ul as eer1 *h#s sure #s beaut#%ul1" A%ter I 'alk a 'h#le I beg#n to settle do'n and I start talk#ng to !ysel% #n a d#%%erent 'ay. "*hose are /ust rocks. *hat #s /ust d#rt. *hat #s /ust 'ater. *hose are /ust other #slands." A%ter so!e t#!e o% th#s #t occurs to !e "Ho' beaut#%ul th#s #s1" It see!s to co!e out o% the sea and the l#ght and the sky and the land. *he 'ord "beaut#%ul" see!s to descr#be an e3(er#4 ence that occurs out o% be#ng there #n %ha% !o!ent. )hen I 'as us#ng the 'ord earl#er #t ca!e out o% !y !e!or#es !ak#ng co!(ar#sons '#th other t#!es and (laces. It 'as a
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re#terat#on o% so!eth#ng I already kne'. *he %#rst "beaut#%ul" 'as %ro! !y !#nd. *he second ca!e %ro! !y e3(er#ence and !y !#nd descr#bed #t. A 'ord #s only a label %or a $icture o% so!eth#ng real. A 'ord or short (hrase #s only a ca(t#on %or a re!e!bered sna(shot o% a real th#ng not the real th#ng that #s here r#ght no'. *hat !ay see! un#!(ortant or sel%4e#dent but #t turns out to !ake a lot o% d#%%erence #n 'ho you th#nk you are. ;ou can (erce#e !any !ore colors '#th your senses than you can re(ort '#th the language o% descr#(t#on. So !any tones o% each color e3#st that only a k#nd o% gross "(o#nt#ng to" occurs '#th the 'ords "red" "(#nk" "blue" etc. *here #s a t#!e #n the een#ngs r#ght a%ter sunset 'hen ultra4#olet l#ght trans%or!s greens to su(er4greens and colors the colors one tone !ore. *h#s t#!e (rookes #n !e an eer#e %eel#ng that acco!(an#es the he#ghtened color (erce(t#on. I loe 'alk#ng at sunset but #t !akes !e a l#ttle sad. *he "blues" I hae #n the een#ng dee( and sad and %ull o% loe and a sense o% (ass#ng a'ay can+t be eoked by language so !uch as by een#ng #tsel%. )hen I atte!(t to s(eak to you o% %eel#ngs '#th#n !y o'n be#ng #t #s hard to kno' 'hat you get %ro! 'hat I say. I hae enough d#%%#culty descr#b#ng the tones o% color or sound or 'ar!th or other sensat#ons so 'hen I atte!(t to share %eel#ngs '#th#n !e eoked by so!e already #ndescr#bable een#ng the task #s een harder. an4 guage !ay be #nade?uate to the task o% co!(lete co!!un#4 cat#on. So!et#!es 'hen 'e !ake loe 'e th#nk and %eel that a co!!un#cat#on dee(er than language occurs. But ho' can
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you tell *here #s no 'ay to er#%y th#s connect#on e3ce(t '#th language that can+t ?u#te e3(ress 'hat I be l#ke or you be l#ke 'hen 'e be !ak#ng loe. *here hae been t#!es 'hen I thought se3 'as #ncred#ble and I 'as sure !y (artner (art#cularly en/oyed #t and I asked and she sa#d she thought #t 'as okay but not the best. *he reerse has also ha((ened. *ell#ng the truth #s hard enough #% all 'e !ean by #t #s co!!un#cat#ng 'hat eents occur '#thout een try#ng to co!!un#cate about our %eel#ngs. )hen 'e are 'atch#ng a sunset '#th another (erson 'e can al'ays /ust (o#nt to the sunset and kee( our !ouths shut and assu!e 'e are co!!u4 n#cat#ng both about the e3(er#ence and our ealuat#on o% the e3(er#ence. )hen there #s no sunset to (o#nt to one has to be (art#cularly concerned '#th language e.e. cu!!#ngs says that a (oet #s so!eone 'ho #s "abnor!ally %ond o% that (re4 c#s#on 'h#ch creates !oe!ent."7 I say th#s #s true o% an honest (erson. Be#ng descr#(t#e o% one+s o'n %eel#ngs #n so (rec#se a 'ay as to eoke %eel#ng #n another #s the heart o% the creat#e (o'er o% (oetry and o% honest s(eech. But %eel#ngs and thoughts are !ore d#%%#cult to tell the truth about than eents. All 'ords are abstract#ons. Although 'ords that hae #!!ed#ate re%erents #n the 'orld are less abstract than 'ords that coer a lot o% terr#tory s(eak o% general %eel#ngs or !ake global assess!ents they are st#ll not the thing described& )ords can "(o#nt to" so!eth#ng #n the 'orld l#ke a cha#r or so!eth#ng #n a (erson l#ke a %eel#ng. )hen one #s totally co!!#tted and ca(t#ated by (o#nt#ng to 'hat #s so one %#nds 'ords to s(eak the truth regardless o% the leel o% ab4 stract#on. Abstract#ons are a (art o% 'hat #s so. Feel#ngs assoc#ated C
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'#th abstract#ons are a (art o% 'hat #s so. ;ou can st#ll tell the truth by "(o#nt#ng to" an abstract#on or assess!ent o% your !#nd #% your #ntent #s s#!(ly to (o#nt out your thought rather than to !ake the other (erson bel#ee your thought to be the "r#ght #nter(retat#on" o% real#ty. *h#s #s the d#%%erence bet'een shar#ng and a sales (#tch. )hen thoughts and %eel#ngs are shared #n th#s 'ay you get the benefit of the correction or modification of your mind
'hen you (ut your thoughts out there #n the (ubl#c do!a#n. In an #ntroduct#on to a book o% (oe!s e.e. cu!!#ngs has th#s to say@ "It #s '#th roses and loco!ot#es -not to !ent#on acro4 bats S(r#ng electr#c#ty 0oney Island the 9th o% $uly the eyes o% !#ce and &#agara Falls that !y +(oe!s+ are co!(et#ng. "*hey are also co!(et#ng '#th each other '#th ele4 (hants and '#th El Greco." He has had h#s attent#on 'holly ca(tured #n the h#ghest %or! o% concentrat#on (oss#ble@ %asc#nat#on. Be#ng co!(letely g#en oer to these e3(er#ences allo'ed h#! to create the sentence that co!(ared the! '#th each other. *o re(ort on the electr#%y#ng e3(er#ence o% be#ng '#th e3e!(lary #nstances o% al#eness a'akens us to the truth o% e3(er#ence. 2y e3(er#ences o% be#ng (resent to a ch#ld+s laughter a sunset the eyes o% !#ce and &#agara Falls are records #n !y !#nd that can be re4eoked by language that (o#nts to these !agn#%#cent eents. So!eho' 'hen language br#ngs the! together #t al!ost outdoes the eents e.e. cu!!#ngs uses language %#rst to eoke the recollect#on o% the e3(er#ences the!seles and second through (utt#ng together the recol4 lect#ons eokes an e3(er#ence o% the co!b#ned eoked e3(e4
37
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r#ences. *he 'hole o% the! together are a co!(#lat#on o% !agn#%#cence. I a! !oed not only by the e3(er#ence but also by the !agn#%#cence o% the be#ng 'ho (erce#es the! as al#ke #n 'onder!ent. I loe e.e. cu!!#ngs %or h#s 'ords. I loe !e through lo#ng h#! through lo#ng hi$ 'ords. I loe all o% us !agn#%#cent be#ngs %or the !agn#%#cence o% be#ng be#ngs 'ho can a((rec#ate the !agn#%#cence o% be#ng. e.e. cu!!#ngs 'as a !an 'ho 'as #nterested #n the truth. I a! #nterested #n the truth. I kno' that you are #nter4 ested #n the truth. I kno' that all o% us are. I a! #nterested #n the truth o% hu!ans be#ng. So are you. I a! #nterested #n the 'ays 'e atte!(t to co!!un#cate the truth o% our hu!an be#ng. So are you. I a! eternally %rustrated by the l#!#ts o% language as 'ell as %asc#nated by the %reedo! %ro! the !#nd4 /a#l language can so!et#!es (ro#de. anguage has the (o'er to eoke the be#ng o% hu!an be#ngs and rescue the! %ro! the#r o'n !#nds. Sk#ll #n the use o% th#s k#nd o% language deelo(s through the (ract#ce o% tell#ng the truth. *he clearer I a! '#ll#ng to be about !ysel% the !ore clearly I can see others and the !ore clearly I can s(eak to the!. ;ou too. An honest (erson (re%ers language that reeals 'hat #s so 'hether #t+s about so!eone else the 'orld or h#!sel%. Be#ng %asc#nated '#th uncoer#ng the truth %ro! a nest o% ealuat#ons #s the best ga!e #n to'n. It only beco!es %un a%ter !ean#ng beco!es less ser#ous and (retend#ng has be4 co!e bor#ng. Go#ng back to (utt#ng on a sho' #s a b#gger drag than ha#ng all be kno'n. Play#ng #n a 'orld 'r here all #s kno'n #s !ore challeng#ng and less tr##al and less 'ear#ng.
3&
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ett#ng u( on onesel% about ha#ng to h#de and (retend #s %ree#ng and #t %eels good l#ke breath#ng %resh a#r. Only '#ll#ngness to he' close to the truth l#ke so!e gr#tty old (o(ul#st ne's(a(er ed#tor '#ns through to the l#berat#on that co!es %ro! tell#ng the truth. It+s al!ost #!4 (oss#ble to do '#thout great co!!#t!ent. It can ho'eer be done een by the !ost !#nd4raaged (eo(le #% they hae the su((ort o% other (eo(le 'ho are also co!!#tted to tell4 #ng the truth. Tellin) the T#%h Sucks *ell#ng the truth !eans all o% the 'orst th#ngs you !#ght
#!ag#ne #t !eans. It !eans tell#ng eeryth#ng you hae h#d4 den that you hae done #n the (ast to the ery (eo(le 'ho you th#nk 'ould be !ost hurt or angry or sur(r#sed or e!4 barrassed by the reelat#ons. I% %or e3a!(le you hae been ha#ng se3 '#th so!eone other than your s(ouse you hae to tell h#!her all the deta#ls@ 'ho yon d#d #t '#th ho' !any t#!es 'ho ca!e %#rst ho' !any t#!es you ca!e 'here #t ha((ened 'ho! you told 'hat you sa#d to each other ho' !uch %un #t 'as and so on and ans'er all the ?uest#ons that ar#se %ro! the tell#ng. *ell#ng the truth !eans tell#ng all your secrets and your secret %eel#ngs to 'ho!eer you don+t 'ant to tell. )orse yet #t !eans be#ng e3(ress#e o% %eel#ng,!ad 'hen you e3(ress resent!ent and 'ar! and !oed 'hen you e3(ress a((rec#at#on and s#lent 'hen you don+t yet kno' 'hat you %eel. *ell#ng the truth has to do '#th be#ng e3(ress#e o% %eel#ng and us#ng descr#(t#e lan4 guage regardless o% #deas about tact or (ro(r#ety. *he %#rst th#ng you hae to get oer to tell the truth #s (ol#teness, 92
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!od#%#cat#on o% your re(ort o% your e3(er#ence out o% "con4 s#derat#on" o% the other (erson+s %eel#ngs. *hat #s unless your s(ouse gets a clear %eel#ng %ro! your re(ort o% ho' !uch %un #t 'as 'hen you %ucked h#s best %r#end you haen+t told the truth yet. Honest (eo(le s(eak s#!(ly us#ng language !ore to describe than to evaluate& #ars ealuate al!ost e3clus#ely only us#ng enough descr#(t#on to !ake the story bel#eable. Good l#ars use a l#ttle !ore descr#(t#on than bad l#ars !ore subtle #n #ts cast o% alue so the l#stener th#nks she ca!e u( '#th the #dea about 'hether 'hat ha((ened 'as good or bad. Hours and hours o% (ract#ce and obserat#on hae hel(ed us all #n deelo(#ng our ab#l#ty to !an#(ulate #n th#s 'ay. )e all hae a sales (#tch about the nature o% real#ty. )hen a (erson chooses to !ake the trans#t#on %ro! hab#tual ly#ng to telling the truth the (assage #s scary and d#%%#cult. )e hae learned to ass#gn alue d#shonestly and (#tch our (o#nt o% #e' '#th eeryth#ng 'e say. )e hae been tra#ned by scores o% !oral#st#c author#t#es l#ke &urse Ratchet #n 6en 6esey+s /ne 3lew /ver the -uc5oo
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o% your l#%e can be #ncreased through learn#ng to %ocus on !ak#ng the d#st#nct#on oer and oer aga#n bet'een alue4 laden 'ords and descr#(t#e 'ords. Descr#(t#e 'ords !ake (#ctures ha((en #n the !#nds o% the s(eaker and the hearer create e3(er#ences l#ke se3ual e34 c#te!ent anger r#ghteous #nd#gnat#on e!barrass!ent sy!4 (athy sadness /oy%ulness or laughter. An honest (erson #s one 'ho #s creat#ng ##d (#ctures %eel#ngs sounds and s!ells #n the s#ngular atte!(t to (ortray 'hat has occurred or #s occurr#ng '#th#n her or around her. An honest (erson #s concerned %ore!ost '#th accuracy. Be#ng honest #s not /ust %or the sake o% %eel#ng good about be#ng a #rtuous (ersonJ #t #s a #tal necess#ty. Learning how to be honest and being willing to do so is the cure for all nonenvironmental stress disorders& It #s the key
to !anag#ng the d#sease o% n#oral#s!. It #s the !ost 'orth'h#le %ocus o% our attent#on as hu!ans o% th#s t#!e and the only th#ng '#th hal% a chance to sae us %ro! ourseles. *h#s #s #tal to our l#%e and to the sur#al o% l#%e %or all o% us. Our (roble!s do not ar#se %ro! not th#nk#ng enough be%ore 'e s(eak. $ust the o((os#te #s true. *he 'ay 'e learn to th#nk and !od#%y 'hat 'e hae to say be%ore 'e s(eak k#lls !#ll#ons o% us unnecessar#ly and lays 'aste !ost o% the cr#((les le%t #n/ured but st#ll al#e. In the 0enters %or D#sease 0ontrol study re%erred to #n the Introduct#on the l#st o% causes o% deaths #n #nd##duals under age =8 goes l#ke th#s@ en#ron!ent #s res(ons#ble %or 7 (ercent o% deathsJ the health care syste! %or n#ne (ercentJ and hu!an b#ology %or 7 (ercent. *h#nk about that. *'enty4one (ercent o% the (eo(le 'ho d#e be%ore age =8 are k#lled by 'ar tra%%#c acc#dents acts o% God and cr#!e. &#ne C9
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(ercent get k#lled by doctors nurses hos(#tals and !ed#c#ne. In 7 (ercent o% the cases the hu!an b#olog#cal !ach#ne breaks #n so!e 'ay that #s not bla!able on the 'ay the (eo(le took care o% the!seles. That means the remaining > $ercent of the dea ths $r ior to ag e I> come about as a re sul t of the way $eo$le choose to live their lives&
I bel#ee the 'ays 'e take care o% ourseles so (oorly ar#se out o% the starat#on 'e e3(er#ence %ro! be#ng cut o%% %ro! the nour#sh!ent o% co!!on(lace e3(er#ence #nclud4 #ng the e3(er#ence o% #nt#!acy. )e are res(ons#ble %or cut4 t#ng ourseles o%% %ro! e3(er#ence by subst#tut#ng our #nter(retat#ons o% real#ty %or real#ty. )e #nent so!e %unda4 !ental l#es about ho' l#%e should be and shouldn+t be ho' l#%e #s or #sn+t accord#ng to 'hat 'e hae taught ourseles to #gnore or deny and 'hat can or cannot be talked about. )e co!(ensate %or our sense o% so!eth#ng !#ss#ng and our bore4 do! '#th a k#nd o% %renet#c co!(uls#e use o% %ood alcohol and drugs to try to get te!(orary rel#e% %ro! #!(r#son!ent #n our o'n !#nds. )e are all terr#ble l#ars. Peo(le '#th notable stress d#sor4 ders l#ke ulcers #nso!n#a s(ast#c col#t#s etc. are 'orse l#ars than nor!al (eo(le although nor!al (eo(le are generally unha((y %ro! ly#ng '#thhold#ng h#d#ng and ao#d#ng and ead#ng as 'ell. A lot o% 'hat I hae to say #s de(ress#ng and negat#e. &eertheless I #n#te you to take courage %ro! 'hat I say and beg#n the 'ork o% learn#ng to tell the truth. )hen I say 'hat (eo(le nor!ally do (lease take #t as a (ersonal #n#ta4 t#on to be abnormal& *he best 'ay to /udge 'hat #s nor!al #s s#!(ly to look #nto the %aces o% (eo(le 'alk#ng do'n the 95
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street or on the sub'ay or dr##ng to 'ork. 6ee( track o% ho' !any look ha((y. In !y !ost recent count seen o% o% ten looked e#ther dead or da!ned unha((y. *h#s #s an #n#tat#on to abnor!al#ty %ro! so!eone 'ho has tr#ed both nor!al ly#ng and abnor!al truth tell#ng. Bein) Abno#*ally Hone$% I% #s nor!al to be unha((yJ !ost (eo(le are. It #s nor4
!al to d#scoer that l#%e doesn+t l#e u( to #ts b#ll#ng. It #s nor!al to be d#sa((o#nted but gett#ng along and do#ng the best you can. It+s not nor!al to be honest. )hat #s nor!al #s to be concerned %ore!ost '#th ha#ng a good coer story. &or!al (eo(le are concerned '#th %#gur#ng out the r#ght th#ng to say that (uts the! #n the best l#ght. *hey 'ant to l#e u( to the#r o'n best guess about 'hat the (eo(le they are talk#ng to 'ant to hear. An honest (erson #n contrast %ocuses on say#ng 'hat #s so. Gett#ng back to honesty rescues (eo(le %ro! be#ng nor4 !al. San#ty #s gett#ng back to bas#c %unky ho!eto'n real#ty do'n %ro! the clouds o% good coer stor#es. )hat (asses %or san#ty #s an agreed4on %or! o% #nsan#ty 'h#ch #s an atte!(t to !ake l#%e 'ork out by leg#slat#ng #deals and #!(os#ng alues #n our o'n !#nds and sell#ng the! to other !#nds. It #s nor!al to be #nsane. Be#ng sane #s abnor!al. Abnor!al sane honest (eo(le are less 'orr#ed and !ore %ree than nor!al (eo(le. *hey are ho'eer less secure. *h#s %eel#ng o% be#ng less secure #s so!eth#ng you hae to get used to. In the beg#nn#ng #t+s a burden. *hen #t beco!es a (oss#b#l#ty,a (oss#ble cho#ce o% a 'ay to l#e,a C=
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cho#ce !ade on (ur(ose. *he n #t beco!es an o((ortun#ty %or creat#on. Lea#nin) %o Lo(e In$ec#i%y
*he (erson 'ho learns to tell the truth #s the !ost %ree !ost al#e k#nd o% adult hu!an be#ng you+ll eer see but #s !ore #nsecure than nor!al. *he #nsecur#ty co!es %ro! ha4 #ng %e'er bel#e%s to rely on %or secur#ty. Although bel#ets don+t really (ro#de secur#ty they (ro#de an #nsulat#on aga#nst the 'orld and one %eels a%ra#d but (rotected. &or4 !ally 'e cont#nue to ant#c#(ate catastro(he to /ust#%y the (rotect#on o% our bel#e% syste!s and to (ro#de a sense o% sa%ety. By (red#ct#ng and guard#ng aga#nst all negat#e %uture outco!es our !#nds do the best they can to (rotect us %ro! the un(leasant uncerta#nty o% %reedo!. 2ak#ng un(leasant uncerta#nty (leasant #s l#ke learn#ng to en/oy be#ng scared on a rollercoaster or to en/oy horror !o#es. *he un(leasant uncerta#nty takes so!e t#!e to get used to but eentually beco!es tolerable and een e3c#t4 #ng. $ust l#ke the %un o% scar#ng yoursel% on a rollercoaster r#de you learn to l#ke the e3c#te!ent o% !#ld ongo#ng r#sk4 tak#ng. *h#s o% course can beco!e another racket another act o% braado or atte!(t to be eccentr#c and unusual and shock#ng /ust to h#de %ear. But you can also del#berately ac4 custo! yoursel% to uncerta#nty as a 'ay o% l#%e. *hat (arado34 #cal state,co!%ortable uncerta#nty,#s a (rere?u#s#te %or a creat#e %ul%#ll#ng l#%e. Gro'#ng and shar#ng rather than stag4 nat#on occur #n a conte3t o% uncerta#nty. *he l#ar #n you and !e #s a !#ne %#eld o% catastro(h#c e3(ectat#ons and ho(e and hy(e. *he truth teller #n you and 97
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!e #s the one o% 'ho! e.e. cu!!#ngs says@ ")e are hu!an be#ngsJ %or 'ho! b#rth #s an e3tre!ely 'elco!e !ystery the !ystery o% gro'#ng@ the !ystery 'h#ch ha((ens only and 'heneer 'e are %a#th%ul to ourseles. ;ou and I 'ear the dangerous looseness o% doo! and %#nd #t beco!#ng. #%e %or eternal us #s no'J and no' #s !uch too busy be#ng a l#ttle !ore than eeryth#ng to see! anyth#ng catastro(h#c #n4 cluded."< )e hae all had a %e' breakthroughs to the 'ay o% be#ng e.e. cu!!#ngs descr#bes but they o%ten scare us so badly 'e cra'l back #nto our !#nds to esca(e. sually 'hen 'e hae a real breakthrough 'hen 'e get saed or see the l#ght or get born aga#n 'e don+t sta y #n that ne' state %or long. )e retreat. *hese short breakthrough eents are usually (receded by o'n#ng u( to the truth and d#so'n#ng (re#ous (retense. )e all loe that he#ghtened e3(er#ence and that sense o% breath#ng %ree but 'e can+t stand #t %or long. So usually a%ter 'e hae a breakthrough and esca(e the !#nd /a#l 'e ?u#ckly bu#ld ourseles another nest o% bel#e%s to kee( %ro! go#ng out o% control. So!et#!es 'e use %or bu#ld#ng !ater#als our (rat#ng 'ords about %reedo!. *hus today+s l#berat#ng #ns#ght beco!es to!orro'+s /a#l. *he truth #s #!!ed#ate and changes '#th the !o!ent. *he !ost real truth #s te!(orary and (ass#ng. sually by the t#!e the real truth gets (o#nted to '#th 'ords or a %#nger #t #s gone or changed. *h#s eer4chang#ng truth #s the truth o% e3(er#ence. Ealuat#ons o% the truth o% e3(er#ence are all bullsh#t. So!e bullsh#t #s use%ul but not nearly as use%ul as !ost o% us th#nk. Ealuat#ons are neer the . truth although a (erson !ay tell the truth about h#s ealua4 98
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t#ons and #n %act !ust do so #% he #s to o'n the! rather than be /a#led by the!. )e all tend to get lost #n the s'a!( o% our ealuat#e !#nds try#ng to !ake dec#s#ons and %#gure out ho' to behae and 'hat to do ne3t 'h#le constantly cons#der#ng 'hat 'e #!ag#ne others !#ght #!ag#ne about us as a result o% any act#on 'e ant#c#(ate tak#ng. *h#s concern about control4 l#ng the o(#n#ons o% others and kee(#ng control o% ourseles k#lls !ore (eo(le than any %or! o% en#ron!ental stress. Een 'orse !ost o% those 'ho don+t d#e 'ould scarcely kno' the d#%%erence #% they d#d. )e hae a hard t#!e as !#nded be#ngs (utt#ng u( '#th the nebulous eer4(ass#ng truth the truth o% e3(er#ence. )e go %or the hard ra#l o% (r#nc#(le to kee( %ro! %all#ng do'n the bu!(y sta#rs o% the real te!(orary eer4dy#ng truth. Een #% the (r#nc#(les 'e rely on are (r#nc#(les o% great des(a#r 'e 'ould rather be certa#n than uncerta#n. )e 'ould rather be sure o% a correctly (red#cted negat#e outco!e than %ace the real#st#c uncerta#nty o% an un(red#ctable %uture een #% #t #n4 cludes the (oss#b#l#ty o% great /oy and success. Peo(le buy #!!easurable loads o% bullsh#t %or the #llus#on o% secur#ty. )e bel#ee secur#ty co!es %ro! (r#nc#(les and %ro! controll#ng other (eo(le but secur#ty doesn+t e3#st. *he only secur#ty 'e hae #s #n our ab#l#ty to %ly by the seat o% our (ants. *he be#ng '#th#n 'h#ch the !#nd res#des yearns %or %reedo!. *he !#nd res#sts %reedo!. Freedo! #s ant#thet#cal to !#nd. *he !#nd e3#sts %or sur#al. *he !#nd 'as bu#lt to (ro#de secur#ty certa#nty (red#ct#on and control. *he !#nd has sur(assed #ts %unct#on o% (hys#cal sur#al to ensure the sur#al o% the "sea o% suggest#ons" it long ago dec#ded #t 'as. *he !#nd #s a bullsh#t !ach#ne.
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*he !a#n th#ng that can %ree a (erson %ro! h#s or her o'n !#nd #s tell#ng the truth. *ell#ng the truth #s al'ays #nter(reted by the !#nd as a threat to #ts secur#ty. )hen (eo(le th#nk that 'ho they are #s the#r !#nd they %eel l#ke they are co!!#tt#ng su#c#de 'hen they start tell#ng the truth. It scares the sh#t out o% the! and they '#sh #t 'ould hurry u( and get oer '#th. And they are co!!#tt#ng su#c#de #n a 'ay. )hat d#es #n tell#ng the truth #s the %alse sel% the #!age (ro/ect#on 'e hae (resented to the 'orld. All real su#c#des 'here (eo(le really d#ed 'ere the result o% a battle bet'een be#ng and !#n d. In those cases the !#nd 'on.
7::
*ABOOS AGAI&S* EN0I*E2E&*
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he h#story o% !odern (sychology #s the h#story o% th#s century+s cultural taboos aga#nst e3c#te!ent. nderstand#ng ho' 'e -as a soc#ety arr#ed at our current (sycholog#cal understand#ng #s use%ul %or any #nd##dual #n the (rocess o% re4cla#!#ng h#s or her #dent#ty as the be#ng #n 'h#ch the l#ght ca!e on. H#story seres us best #% #t hel(s us to debunk our bel#e% #n ourseles and our taboos. Psychoanalyt#c theory e!erged #n Euro(e and A!er#ca at the turn o% the century #n res(onse to the soc#al (heno!e4 non o% #ctor#an !oral#ty 'h#ch 'as do!#nant #n those (arts o% the 'orld at the t#!e. Accord#ng to S#g!und Freud the (r#!ary (sycholog#cal (roble!s o% )estern (ersons #n h#s day 'ere the result o% se3ual re(ress#onJ that #s (eo(le be#ng taught to deny that they had %eel#ngs #n the#r gen#tals. 0onse4 ?uendy h#s theory concerned se3ual#ty and #ts re(ress#on and e3(ress#on. Freud sought to cure #n #nd##dual cases the cul4 tural s#ckness o% gu#lt about be#ng se3ual. 7:7
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In the years s#nce then 'e haen+t soled our se3ual (roble!s but the #ntens#ty '#th 'h#ch 'e hae to deny our se3ual nature has de%#n#tely decreased. Se3 #s not such a sha!e any !ore. *here are st#ll ho'eer all k#nds o% con4 trols 'e are su((osed to (ut on our se3ual e3c#te!ent,to (retend that #t+s not there or to ao#d gett#ng too e3c#ted. A !a/or soc#al concern #s ho' to be assured o% control oer other $eo$le
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A%ter a cou(le o% 'orld 'ars #n 'h#ch (eo(le k#lled each other #n large nu!bers #t beca!e ob#ous that soc#ety had another ser#ous s#ckness #n add#t#on to se3ual re(ress#on@ the re(ress#on o% anger. Fr#t5 Perls 'rote a book called "go, Hunger and ggression #n the 7C9:s #n 'h#ch he deelo(ed a theory concern#ng the causes and treat!ent o% aggress#on. He sa#d that (eo(le had to learn ho' to !ake aggress#ng a $rocess o% (ersonal (sycholog#cal gro'th #nstead o% a cause& $ust as the (erson 'atch#ng (ornogra(h#c !o#es as a censor 'ould (robably bene%#t %ro! deal#ng '#th h#s o'n re(ressed se3ual %eel#ngs #nstead o% %#ght#ng %or the ant#4s!ut cause (eo(le 'ould bene%#t !ore %ro! deal#ng '#th anger on a (ersonal leel than they 'ould %ro! collect#ely 'arr#ng on other grou(s o% (eo(le. *he 'ar%are go#ng on #ns#de us d#so'ned gets (ro4 /ected #nto the outs#de 'orld. )e !ake our ene!#es the ery (#cture o% e#l /ust#%y#ng our anger at the sa!e t#!e 'e ao#d the #!!ed#ate e3(er#ence o% #t. Instead o% an #!!ed#ate ar4 gu!ent or %#ght 'e th#nk hate%ul thoughts. S#nce 'e are %r#ghtened o% our anger 'e learn to thin5 rather than act 'hen 'e get angry. 2ost (eo(le th#nk that th#s #s the 'ay to handle anger. It takes a toll ho'eer #n ter!s o% %eel#ng al#e and ha((y and creates !ore anger. In order to decrease the (ressure 'e hae to get !ad out loud but 'e are a%ra#d o% the e3(er#ence o% anger 'e 'ould hae to go through #n order to hae the anger d#sa((ear. )e learn to "act n#ce" and deny that 'e are angry and 'e !ake ourseles s#ck #n the (rocess o% den#al. This is one of the main areas in which something we can
(rocess uses a lot o% energy and thought. *hus the angry 7:<
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%eel#ngs 'e try to control end u( controll#ng us. *hey kee( us %at as 'e eat to su((ress the! or al#enated and !ore alone as 'e act een n#cer to control the!. )hen 'e are '#ll#ng to e3(er#ence our anger and ra#se hell '#th others our anger d#sa((ears or changes %or! a%ter a (er#od o% heated heate d e3change. e3cha nge. )hen 'e beg#n to ackno'ledge ackno 'ledge the unackno'ledged aggress#on and re(ressed anger #t no longer runs our l#es. sually a %e' other unackno'ledged e!ot#ons sho' u( too. In %act there are al'ays other %eel#ngs underneath the anger. Gr#e% !ay sho' u( ne3t. As #t turns out there #s usually a %und o% unackno'ledged /oy bur#ed under the unackno'ledged unackno'ledged anger and gr#e%. *he /oy #s bur4 #ed so dee( and 'as re(ressed so long ago that !ost (eo(le neer een sus(ect that #t e3#sts #ns#de o% the!. I bel#ee /oy #s the !ost (r#!#t#ely re(ressed e!ot#on and the one closest to the or#g#nal source e3(er#ence o% un#ty #n the 'o!b and early l#%e. 0h#ldren hae the %reedo! to e3(ress /oy o(enly. Adults re(ress /oy. It #s a 'ay o% (rotect#ng ourseles %ro! be#ng be#n g hurt. $ust as 'e %ear the conse?ue cons e?uence ncess o% e3(ress#n e3(r ess#ng g anger or se3ual %eel#ngs 'e %ear the conse?uences o% g##ng and rece##ng loe. God %orb#d 'e should get too ha((y1 I% 'e let ourseles bubble oer 'e %ear that 'e /ust !#ght bub4 ble a'ay. )e are a%ra#d that #% 'e let ourseles loe %reely 'e+ll be o(en#ng ourseles u( %or tre!endous hurt. $oy and e3(ress#ons o% loe are thus the (r#!ary re(ressed e!ot#ons and act#ons. )e don+t trust ha((#ness. )e (resere the su(er4 st#t#on that #% 'e get too ha((y 'e+re #n %or a do'n%all. )e !#ght %all back #nto heaen and lose track o% ourseles alto4 gether. 7:9
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&eur &e uros os#s #s &euros#s #s essent#ally a re%usal to acce(t 'hat #s ha((en4 #ng #n the (resent. &euros#s #noles deny#ng the truth about any %or! o% e3c#te!ent here and no'. A neurot#c #s a (er4 son 'ho #ncessantly de!ands that l#%e be other than #t #s. A (erson re%us#ng re%us#n g to acce(t acce( t 'hat #s be#ng e3(er#ence e3(e r#enced d #n any g#en !o!ent #s be#ng neurot#c at that !o!ent. Be#ng neu4 rot#c occas#onally doesn+t ?ual#%y one %or d#agnos#s as a neu4 rot#c. A (erson 'ho steals once #s only a (erson 'ho stole so!eth#ng one t#!e. A (erson 'ho steals oer and oer #s a th#e%. *o the e3tent that 'e all occas#onally ao#d e3(er#ence 'e all occas#onally #ndulge #n neurot#c beha#or. )hether 'e earn the label neurot#c de(ends only on the %re?uency (er4 s#stence and #ntens#ty '#th 'h#ch 'e deny %eel#ngs sensa4 t#ons or any e3(er#ence 'hatsoeer. A (erson 'ho re%uses to ackno'ledge e3(er#ence oer and oer #s a neurot#c. *hus neuros#s #s a na!e %or cons#stently deny#ng se3ual#ty aggres4 s#on /oy gr#e% loe and other %eel#ngs. *he key to the cure %or neuros#s #s not only the #dent#%#cat#on o% the %eel#ngs be#ng den#ed den#ed but the (erson (erson+s +s ac5nowledgmen ac5nowledgment, t, o% those %eel#ngs. sually !ore than one e!ot#on #s be#ng den#ed. For e3a!4 (le 'hen a troubled adolescent breaks do'n and cr#es a%ter e3(ress#ng anger at h#s %ather because so!e eent has blo'n h#s tough4#nde(endence act he !ay e3(ress authent#c anger authent#c gr#e% authent#c loe. *he truth about 'hat %eel#ngs are there cures neuros#s. )e get lost #n our !#nds and lose touch '#th our e3(e4 r#ence 'hen 'e beg#n to %eel so!eth#ng that 'e are a%ra#d #s too !uch %or us to %eel or so!eth#ng 'e th#nk 'e are not su((osed to %eel. )e are all a%ra#d o% ha#ng our e3c#te!ent 7:8
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run a'ay '#th us o% los#ng control. )hen 'e try to ao#d %ully e3(er#enc#ng the dreaded sensat#on or e!ot#on 'e get tra((ed #n the %renet#c babbl#ng o% our !#nds. Hae you eer not#ced that a%ter you hae had an unco!%ortable encounter '#th so!eone #n 'h#ch you d#dn+t %ully e3(ress ho' you %elt at the t#!e your !#nd talks to you #ncessantly It kee(s re4 #e'#ng #e'#ng the conersat# conersat#on on try#ng try#ng to #nsert th#ngs you '#shed you had sa#d. Our !#nds get energy to babble on l#ke th#s %ro! our %ear o% e3(er#enc#ng dreaded e!ot#ons and they 'ork oert#!e to kee( our attent#on a'ay %ro! 'hat 'e+re a%ra#d to %eel. Reca(tur#ng control o% your o'n attent#on #s thus the %#rst ste( to oerco!#ng neuros#s. Re%ocus#ng Our A'areness A hu!an be#ng can only be a'are o% three th#ngs@ =& th#ngs ha((en#ng #n the #!!ed#ate en#ron!ent ?& %eel#ngs and sensat#ons #ns#de the body and & thoughts and %antas#es. 2ost o% us s(end !ost o% our t#!e (ay#ng attent#on to the th#rd category the !#nd4strea! and hae lost touch '#th 'hat #s actually ha((en#ng #ns#de our sk#n and r#ght #n %ront o% us. )e %all #nto the hab#t o% g##ng all o% our attent#on to thoughts bel#e%s and %antasy and thus 'e lose touch '#th the bas#s o% all %antasy@ e3(er#ence. Good thera(y hel(s (eo4 (le 'ho are tra((ed #n the !#ndstrea! !#ndstrea! or #n the#r thoughts about e3(er#ence. It hel(s the! get back to (ay#ng attent#on to 'hat+s go#ng on here and no'. Re%ocus#ng Re%ocus#ng on e3(er#ence e3(er#ence hel(s the (erson (erson #n den#al to %eel 'hat #s go#ng on #ns#de h#! and beg#n to tell the truth to cure h#!sel% He !ay learn that the source o% h#s bod#ly sensat#ons are h#s bel#e%s and %ears based on earl#er #nco!(lete 7:=
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and un(leasant e3(er#ences 'here he !ade a !oral resole neer to let anyth#ng l#ke that ha((en aga#n. Peo(le stay scared and thought4r#dden unt#l they get so!e su((ort %ro! other (eo(le 'ho hae been through the e3(er#ence e3(er#ence o% l#ght4 en#ng u( and lett#ng go o% (rotect#e bel#e%s and taboos. Once a (erson co!es to h#s senses he can learn to rely less and less on h#s !#nd+s #deas and bel#e%s and really 5now %ro! !o!ent to !o!ent ho' he %eels. Aga#n as Fr#t5 Perls (ut #t the ob/ect#e #s to "lose your !#nd and co!e to your senses." )hen a thera(#st can hel( a (erson to tolerate l##ng #n a '#der e3(er#ence o% l#%e #n any g#en !o!ent the 'ay that (erson relates to h#s 'hole l#%e #s trans%or!ed. *he trans%or4 !at#on %ro! l##ng #n the narro' /a#l o% bel#e% to l##ng #n the '#de 'orld o% e3(er#ence #s at %#rst terr#%y#ng but as those 'ho hae hung #n there can tell you #t+s 'ell 'orth the trouble. A((l#ed Psychology )hat %ollo's are conersat#ons recalled %ro! a %e' ses4 s#ons '#th a cl#ent. *he #nteract#on de!onstrates the 'ay re%ocus#ng on e3(er#ence rather than the conersat#ons o% the !#nd #s both %r#ghten#ng and #ntensely 'orth'h#le. Ste(han#e started thera(y because she 'anted to lose 'e#ght. She 'as < had a rece(t#on#st /ob she d#sl#ked and 'anted to lose <: (ounds. She 'as shy and !#ldly de(ressed and (art#cularly unha((y about be#ng %at. She 'as also ery (retty (re tty and and oer'e oe r'e#gh #ghtt or not not had a olu(t ol u(tuou uouss %#gure %#g ure.. In %act I #!ag#ned her be#ng oer'e#ght had a lot to do '#th her attract#eness. Dur#ng our %#rst conersat#on I sa#d "I th#nk you+re (retty and oer'e#ght or not your %#gure #s st#ll 7:
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ery se3y" She blushed and sa#d "*hank you." I sa#d "I #!ag#ne that !en +h#t on you+ and co!e on to you all the t#!e." t#!e." She nodded and s!#led. s!#led. *hen the %ollo'#ng %ollo'#ng d#alogue d#alogue ensued@ 2E @
"H O) do you %eel about that"
S*EPHA&IE @ ")ell at %#rst I+! nattered I guess but really I don+t l#ke #t too !uch. )hen the !en at the o%%#ce !ake l#ttle '#secracks I don+t say anyth#ng but I don+t l#ke #t." *here 'as s#lence %or a 'h#le. 2E @
"I #!ag#ne #!ag#ne 'hen 'hen you start to lose lose 'e#ght 'e#ght your
%#gure #s go#ng to be een !ore not#ceable than #t #s no'. ;ou+re go#ng to hae !ore o% that to deal '#th. ;ou+ll hae to create so!e other 'ay o% handl#ng !en h#tt#ng on you bes#des bes#d es gett#ng get t#ng %at % at aga#n." ag a#n." S*EPHA&IE @ ";es ";es I kno' 'hat you+re you+re talk#n talk#ng g about. about. I don+t kno' 'hat I+! go#ng to do but I+e ?u#t d#ets be%ore %or that ery reason." 2E@
")ell 'hat about r#ght no' I+! attracted to you.
And I+! tell#ng you,are you e!barrassed" S*EPHA&IE @ ";es ";es a l#tt l#ttle le.. Alth Althou ough gh #t #sn+ #sn+tt as bad as at 'ork." 2E @
"Are you attracted to !e"
"A l#ttle b#t" she sa#d and looked do'n and blushed. "I not#ce that you+re look#ng look#ng do'n and turn#ng turn#ng red." )e both laughed. "Sure #s a sha!e 'e+re attracted to each other #sn+t #t" )e laughed aga#n. She sa#d "I don+t really th#nk #t+s sha!e%ul but I do %eel e!barrassed. I talk to !y g#rl%r#end Shelly about th#s all the 7:
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t#!e. I th#nk #t+s %unny and I also %eel k#nd o% sad #n a 'ay. I don+t kno' 'hy." "I a((rec#ate you %or be#ng '#ll#ng to talk to !e about th#s. I 'ant to talk to you about attract#on and e!barrass4 !ent and sadness. I also 'ant you to kno' that 'e can talk about these th#ngs '#thout ha#ng to !ake a (ass at each other. I+! !arr#ed. I 'on+t co!e on to you and you don+t hae to 'orry about that '#th !e. But I l#ke you r s!#le and I l#ke your '#ll#ngness to talk '#th !e about th#s. I+! ha((y 'hen you say you+re attracted attracted to !e." )e both laughed laughed aga#n. "I l#ke th#s too. I neer 'ould hae brought th#s u( '#th '#th anyone anyone else but I +! glad that 'e+re 'e+re talk#n talk#ng g about about #t. sually I 'ould 'a#t and tell Shelly later that I thought you 'ere cute and l#ked !e. Actually I+! k#nd o% rel#eed that you+re !arr#ed." )e laughed aga#n. aughter #s the sound o% %reedo!. )e l#ked each other. "I not#ced so!eth#ng else about you." "Go aheadJ th#s #s #nterest#ng" Ste(han#e (ro!(ted !e. "I not#ce that you are ery ?u#ck to s!#le een 'hen you talk about be#ng angry or you+re e!barrassed. I #!ag#ne eerybody th#nks o% you as a +n#ce g#rl.+ " Ste(han#e laughed. ";eah I guess so. All the 'o!en at the o%%#ce call !e +dear.+ *hey th#nk I+! s'eet." "Aren+t you" "&oJ #t+s an act." )e both laughed aga#n. She cont#nued. "Shelly and I talk about th#s too. I th#nk I hae to be n#ce all the t#!e or that #t #sn+t r#ght to get angry. I get !ad bu t I don+ do n+ t sho' sh o' #t." #t ." 7:C
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"A lot o% (eo(le eat 'hen that ha((ens." "Oh I do that all the t#!e,and so does eeryone else #n !y o%%#ce." )e both laughed aga#n. "ater 'hen you start eat#ng less and 'ork#ng out !ore you !#ght %eel !ore anger. ;ou 'on+t be handl#ng your anger by eat#ng l#ke you used to. ;ou '#ll get a chance to e3(er#ence the %eel#ngs you+e been da!(en#ng do'n '#th %ood. So!et#!es #t+s not !uch %un. ;ou+ll e#ther hae to %#gure out so!e other 'ay o% deal#ng '#th those %eel#ngs or you 'on+t be success%ul '#th 'e#ght loss or de(ress#on %or long." She (aused. "Okay . . . It sounds l#ke !ore trouble than I thought." "It (robably #s. But #t+s not all bad ne's. ;ou+ll (robably %eel okay !ost o% the t#!e. )e '#ll !ake so!e agree!ents about e3erc#se and d#et. I '#ll teach you sel%4hy(nos#s and ask you to (ract#ce #t on your o'n. )e '#ll do so!e 'ork '#th you tell#ng !e about 'ho you get !ad at and 'hen. I+ll be ask#ng you to do th#ngs l#ke go hae a conersat#on '#th (eo(le you hae been h#d#ng th#ngs %ro! l#ke your (arents or %r#ends. *here '#ll be t#!es 'hen you !ay %eel l#ke ?u#tt#ng. ;ou !ay h#t a (lateau 'here you 'on+t lose any 'e#ght %or a 'h#le een though you+re be#ng +good.+ ;ou !ay get de4 (ressed angry or t#red. ;ou !ay not %eel any o% those th#ngs. I% you are '#ll#ng to let those %eel#ngs co!e u( and e3(er#4 !ent '#th the! '#thout ?u#tt#ng you hae a chance o% stay#ng th#n %or a year 'h#ch '#ll g#e you good odds %or stay#ng relat#ely th#n (er!anently. I a! not sure you should do th#s though. Be#ng !#ldly de(ressed and oer'e#ght has 77:
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'orked (retty 'ell %or you I+! not sure you ought to g#e #t u(." "Ha1 . . . I do kno' 'hat you !ean though. But I+! t#red o% all o% #t. I+! ready to %#gure out another 'ay." ater on 'e talked a l#ttle !ore. She told !e ho' #t 'as a hassle %or her to be l##ng at ho!e and that 'h#le 'ork 'as okay she so!et#!es got headaches there and generally %elt t#red a%ter she got ho!e. She also olunteered that she had been unco!%ortable about her %#gure %or so!e t#!e. She sa#d she deelo(ed ery early #n adolescence and re!e!bered %eel#ng e!barrassed 'hen !en 'ould (ay attent#on to her 'h#le she 'as '#th her %ather. Her %ather %elt unco!%ortable about her olu(tuous %#gure as 'ell and 'ould say "Ste(ha4 n#e 'ear clothes that aren+t so reeal#ng1" She had been h#d4 #ng her body under bulky s'eaters and bla5ers s#nce she 'as ten years old. I bel#ee her '#ll#ngness to share these (ersonal %eel#ngs '#th !e gre' out o% the conte3t created by !y '#ll#ngness to tell her 'hat I 'as %eel#ng and th#nk#ng about her and !y ask#ng her to do the sa!e. Anger Se3 and D#et )hat Ste(han#e no' needs to do #n order to lose <: (ounds and kee( #t o%% #s to sto( be#ng asha!ed o% be#ng se3ually attract#e and to ackno'ledge her attract#eness o(enly. She needs to sto( %ak#ng (leasantness and s'eetness 'hen she %eels angry and she needs to tell (eo(le 'here to get o%%. *h#s !ay take so!e t#!e %or her to learn and a thera(#st can ass#st her by creat#ng the conte3t #n 'h#ch that 777
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learn#ng !ay occur by shar#ng h#s o'n e3(er#ence and by encourag#ng her to g#e +e! hell 'hen she %eels l#ke #t. *hat cou(le o% sess#ons '#th Ste(han#e 'as done #n a conte3t o% (er!#ss#on granted by an author#ty 'here #t 'as okay to talk about %eel#ngs she thought she shouldn+t talk about 'h#le she 'as ha#ng the!. *hat let her g#e hersel% (er!#ss#on to e3(er#ence and ackno'ledge out loud to a !an so!e o% the taboo and unco!%ortable %eel#ngs she had been ao#d#ng. As thera(#st !y '#ll#ngness to talk about the #!!ed#ate #ssue o% our attract#on to each other and the hon4 est 'ay 'e talked created a conte3t %or deal#ng '#th the #ssues o% se3 and anger out loud. A taboo 'as #olated@ her secret thoughts ca!e out and 'ere e3(ressed #n %ront o% a !ale #n a conte3t o% no danger. Eentually she 'ould be coached to co!e out o% the closet '#th the truth about her %eel#ngs #n s#tuat#ons '#th !en 'ho! she used to cons#der dangerous and she could d#scoer that she need not be as care%ul as she thought. A conte3t #s l#ke a b#g bo'l #nto 'h#ch eeryth#ng about a (ersonal#ty #s #ncluded and cons#dered acce(table. *he conte3t that a (erson on a d#et creates has to #nclude occas#onal b#nges 'ant#ng to ?u#t ent#relyJ %eel#ng e3c#ted and energet#cJ gett#ng a headacheJ %eel#ng scared and #rr#ta4 ble and turned on and angry and ha((y and de(ressed and con%used. It also !ay #nclude occas#onal (lateaus look#ng at 'hat she really 'ants to do '#th her l#%e and be#ng a%ra#d to change. *he !ore hel( a thera(#st g#es a cl#ent to create that conte3t %or hersel% the !ore success%ully the cl#ent '#ll han4 dle 'hat co!es u( 'hen the thera(#st #s not around. *he thera(#st does th#s by shar#ng h#s or her e3(er#ence and by 77
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g##ng the cl#ent an #dea o% 'hat the 'ork #s all about. *he (ur(ose #s not to scare or 'arn the cl#ent but rather to en4 courage her r#ght %ro! the start to be '#ll#ng to e3(er#ence 'hateer co!es u( as (art o% be#ng a creator o% her l#%e rather than a #ct#! o% (re#ously learned 'ays o% handl#ng l#%e. *hese (re#ously learned !ethods o% ada(tat#on to l#%e do 'ork. Gett#ng drunk 'orks. Gett#ng stoned 'orks. Be#ng oer'e#ght 'orks. Be#ng sad 'orks (art#cularly #n a 'orld 'here be#ng angry or horny or e3(ress#ely /oy%ul are taboo. *hese are all !ethods o% sur#al and #% they get re(laced there #s a r#sk that the ne' re(lace!ent '#ll be a b#g (a#n to acco!(l#sh and not 'ork as 'ell as the old 'ay. Proble!s that see! unacce(table start look#ng better a%ter a l#ttle su%4 %er#ng that #s greater than that assoc#ated '#th the (roble!. *h#s #s 'hy the conte3t %or each (erson+s co!!#t!ent to change has to #nclude a (ers(ect#e that allo's %or (er#ods o% greater d#sco!%ort than that caused by the (roble! they are try#ng to %#3 Ste(han#e has su((ressed a lot o% resent!ent to'ard !en about the '#secracks they !ake about her body. Per4 ha(s she '#ll %#nd a 'ay to e3(ress that resent!ent e%%ect#ely. Perha(s not. It #s #!(ortant to real#5e ho'eer that anger #s not the only e3c#te!ent she eats to ao#d. She !ust co!e u( '#th a 'ay to handle the e3c#te!ent o% ha#ng !en (ay attent#on to her. She handled that e3c#te!ent be%ore by tran4 ?u#l#5#ng #t '#th %ood #n the short run and by gett#ng %atter. By beco!#ng less e3c#t#ng to others she eentually resoled the an3#ety o% be#ng unco!%ortably e3c#ted hersel%. I% she loses a certa#n a!ount o% 'e#ght she+ll get do'n to 'here she #s e3c#t#ng and e3c#ted aga#n. She+ll hae to deal '#th that 77<
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e3c#te!ent another 'ay or ga#n the 'e#ght back. She !ay hae to ad!#t that the e3c#te!ent she 'as ao#d#ng 'as her o'n. It #s (artly her o'n res(onse to the !en+s attent#on that scares her or !akes her %eel unco!%ortable. Gett#ng %at allo's (eo(le 'ho are unco!%ortable about the#r o'n se3ual e34 c#te!ent to be e!ot#onally #nt#!ate '#th !e!bers o% the o((os#te se3 'h#le re!a#n#ng (hys#cally #solated %ro! the!. In th#s 'ay they re!a#n sa%e %ro! the#r o'n se3ual#ty. Say#ng "no" #s not a (roble! 'hen 'e !ean "no." It+s say#ng "no" to 'ant#ng to say "yes" %ro! 'h#ch Ste(han#e has (rotected hersel% by ga#n#ng 'e#ght. Her 'e#ght greatly d#!#n#shed her o((ortun#t#es to say "no" or "yes." She '#ll hae to con%ront th#s cho#ce and !ake #t each t#!e #t co!es u( rather than ao#d the e3(er#ence o% lust. )e can salute the gen#us o% !#nds that co!e u( '#th neurot#c solut#ons to (roble!s. Peo(le do the best they can and they do a (retty good /ob o% sur##ng and handl#ng a lot o% con%l#ct#ng #nterests. I congratulate the !#nd that co!es u( '#th each creat#e #ngen#ous solut#on,and I res(ect #t. I th#nk e%%ect#eness #n !a#nta#n#ng 'e#ght loss #s one o% the !ost gra(h#c 'ays o% deter!#n#ng the e%%ect#eness o% (sychothera(y. )hen I su((ort so!eone #n los#ng 'e#ght and kee(#ng #t o%% I !ust res(ect%ully re?uest h#s !#nd to come u$ with another answer& Peo(le 'ho lose 'e#ght success4 %ully co!e u( '#th other ans'ers. Peo(le 'ho don+t lose 'e#ght success%ully %a#l to co!e u( '#th other ans'ers. Across the board on all d#ets only about 7Q o% the (eo(le 'ho lose 'e#ght !a#nta#n the loss %or a year. Stat#st#cs about 'e#ght loss are (robably ery !uch re%lect#e o% the l#kel#4 hood o% any last#ng (sycholog#cal change. Peo(le 'ho are 779
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able to !ake a certa#n d#et 'ork can (robably !ake any d#et 'ork. *he other Q 'ant to lose 'e#ght and do %or a 'h#le but can+t susta#n the change. I th#nk that about 7Q o% the (eo(le 'ho go %or any (sycholog#cal change !ake #t st#ck. *he hel( o% a good thera(#st !akes these stat#st#cs a l#ttle better. &ot !any (eo(le susta#n real change '#thout su((ort #n creat#ng a conte3t called "go#ng through 'hat has been (re#ously ao#ded or ke(t secret." So!e (eo(le do #t on the#r o'n '#th %r#ends 'ho aren+t thera(#sts. &o one really does #t alone. Each #nnocent ne' l#%e co!es out o% that etern#ty o% bl#ss%ul t#!elessness #n the 'o!b and beg#ns to learn to con4 trol d#st#ngu#sh na!e and !an#(ulate the (arts o% the 'orld that get d#st#ngu#shed. *here are as !any 'ays to be e!4 bro#led #n that (rocess as there hae been hu!an be#ngs #n h#story. Beh#nd these !#ll#ons and !#ll#ons o% 'ays o% be#ng hu!an be#ngs hae al'ays shared a un#tary hu! a sense o% be#ng and a co!!on h#story o% ha#ng l#ed #n eternal bl#ss #n the 'o!b. )hat has also al'ays been there #s the (oss#b#l#ty o% #dent#%y#ng '#th that be#ngness rather than #dent#%y#ng e3clus#ely '#th the un#?ue ada(tat#on the be#ng ca!e u( '#th to sur#e #n the 'orld. As 'e gro' u( 'e descend %ro! heaen and ascend #nto hell. )e co!e do'n %ro! the heaen o% the 'o!b and 'e gro' u( #nto the hell o% c##l#5ed acculturated neuros#s. Salat#on #s the red#scoery o% ourseles as be#ng. *o esca(e the hard4earned hard4bu#lt (r#son o% the sel% 'e !ust re#n4 ter(ret our #dent#t#es to #nclude !ore than that (r#son. )e !ust re4#dent#%y ourseles to #nclude the !ore (r#!#t#e and un#ersally4shared sel% that 'e all 'ere and are and eer!ore 778
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shall be. )hen th#s (o'er gets ta((ed #t can be used %or such !undane th#ngs as los#ng 'e#ght or !ak#ng a l##ng as 'ell as %or a co!(lete turnaround #n l#%e. *o recogn#5e and acce(t the !#nd+s 'ay o% ada(t#ng to the 'orld %or the sake o% sur4 #al #s the %#rst ste( on the 'ay back ho!e to the hu!. Res#stance to one+s case4h#story sel% (art#cularly trying to change that sel% kee(s one tra((ed #n one+s case h#story. Acce(tance o% one+s case4h#story sel% allo's one to get oer #t. )hen (sychothera(y 'orks the (erson loosens her #den4 t#%#cat#on '#th her o'n case h#story and #dent#%#es '#th her be#ng the one 'ho has been there s#nce the l#ght ca!e on #n the 'o!b the one 'ho #s electr#cal and al#e and able to (ay attent#on second by second heartbeat by heartbeat (resent !o!ent by (resent !o!ent.
77=
HO) *O DEA )I*H A&GER ;!e human beings are Ho!o Host#lus the hostile s$ecies, the enemyma5ing animal& !e are driven to fabricate an enemy as a sca$egoat to bear the burden of our denied enmity& =<
, ) am 8een
A
%a!ous 'ar story tells o% a (latoon o% sold#ers 'ho had been %#ght#ng together as a un#t %or so!e t#!e. One n#ght an ene!y sold#er lobbed a grenade #nto the#r !#dst. For a %e' seconds eeryone %ro5e. Suddenly a (r#ate doe on the grenade '#th h#s hel!et. It detonated under h#!. *he !an 'as destroyed but the other !en 'ere saed by h#s hero#s!. One outstand#ng character#st#c o% hu!an be#ngs #s that they are so!et#!es '#ll#ng to sacr#%#ce the#r l#es to sae oth4 ers. Such acts o% courage are honored as they should be as the h#ghest e3(ress#on o% loe. 2any o% us deal '#th anger #n !uch the sa!e 'ay as the (r#ate #n the story deals '#th the grenade. )e cons#der anger a l#%e4threaten#ng e3(er#ence. Anger 'ells u( #n us see!#ngly %ro! out o% no'here and 'e #!ag#ne #t '#ll #n4 77
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/ure eeryone 'e loe #% 'e let #t go o%%. )#thout een th#nk4 #ng 'e s!other the anger the "'ay the (r#ate s!othered the grenade. )e sacr#%#ce ourseles to (rotect our %r#ends and %a!#ly. )hat !akes !ean#ngless sacr#%#ces look l#ke hero#s! #s #gnorance. H#story #s %ull o% (#t#%ul 'onder%ul du!b4assed heroes 'ho sacr#%#ced the#r l#es to sae those they loed %ro! so!e bullsh#t threat that see!ed real at the t#!e but turned out to be #!ag#nary. *he tragedy o% the useless sacr#%#ce o% l#%e has been around %or as long as hu!an be#ngs hae been around and '#ll re!a#n central to the de%#n#t#on o% hu!an#ty unt#l 'e learn to create ourseles d#%%erently. Our greatest hero#s! our '#ll#ngness to surrender l#%e #tsel% %or our loed ones and our greatest tragedy the !#s4 taken and useless sacr#%#ce o% our o'n and others+ l#es %or !ean#ngless causes are central to the trag#c /oke 'e are. &o'here #s the 'aste o% courage and loe better de!4 onstrated than #n eeryday cases o% the unsung heroes o% an4 ger. In eery case the hero #s a %ool. H#s courage #s 'asted. *he hero+s %ear o% the deastat#ng e%%ect o% anger #s ent#rely unreal#st#c. He or she oerest#!ates the destruct#e (o'er o% anger and %eels that #t !ust be controlled een #% #t !eans sacr#%#c#ng h#s or her l#%e. )hat #s een 'orse #s that the (oor %ool d#es oer and oer aga#n a l#ttle (#ece at a t#!e. Anger #s not a grenade. 2any o% us cons#der ourseles to be heroes and hero#nes 'hen 'e are /ust da!ned %ools. Only the (eo(le 'ho l#e '#th such hero#c %ools see! to recogn#5e the! %or 'hat they are. Such recogn#t#on e3acerbates the (roble! %or noth#ng (#sses your aerage %ool o%% !ore than ha#ng to l#e '#th a 77
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da!ned #ngrate 'ho doesn+t a((rec#ate the hero#c sacr#%#ces that hae been !ade %or h#s or her bene%#t. *o !ake th#ngs 'orse the "da!ned #ngrate" usually sees h#!sel% or hersel% as another una((rec#ated hero sacr#%#c#ng sel%4e3(ress#on %or the health o% the relat#onsh#(. As 'e accu!ulate resent!ent %or not be#ng a((rec#ated %or sacr#%#c#ng our l#es to (rotect others our acts o% loe and courage beco!e (o#soned !e!or#es. *he (erson 'ho loed you and 'ho! you used to loe beco!es the b#ggest (a#n4#n4 the4ass o% your l#%e. *he contrast bet'een sel%4(erce(t#on and (erce(t#on by others stands out clearly #n !y 'ork '#th cou(les and %a!#4 l#es #n 'h#ch I a! (r#y to the ongo#ng argu!ents bet'een !artyr4heroes and hero4!artyrs. Peo(le really get !ad 'hen they+re resented %or '#thhold#ng anger,so!eth#ng %or 'h#ch they %eel they should be a$$reciated& But contrary to (o(ular bel#e% (eo(le resent be#ng '#thheld %ro! and l#ed to. )#th4 held anger destroys relat#onsh#(s by suck#ng the a$#eness out o% the!. For al#eness to be restored both to the relat#on4 sh#(s and the #nd##dual anger !ust be e3(ressed. Di#ec% and Indi#ec% E3(ress#ons of An)e# Ho' does a (erson used to su((ress#ng anger learn to
e3(ress anger It takes (ract#ce. *he way anger #s e3(ressed has eeryth#ng to do '#th the outco!e o% an argu!ent. )hen anger #s e3(ressed #n such a 'ay that both (eo(le are %ully (resent to the e3(er#ence the anger eentually goes a'ay and the (eo(le hae a ne' o(en#ng #n the#r relat#on4 sh#(. Anger #s un#ersal but !ethods o% e3(ress#on ary. *he 77C
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cont#nuu! o% e3(ress#on ranges %ro! !urder to total su(4 (ress#on and coer4u(. *he cont#nuu! can be d##ded #nto t'o (arts #nd#rect e3(ress#on and d#rect e3(ress#on. All #nd#4 rect %or!s are s#ck and stu(#d. 2any d#rect %or!s %a#l as 'ell. 2any (eo(le hae tr#ed to e3(ress anger d#rectly at one t#!e or another but g#en u( because as so!e hae sa#d "#t only see!ed to !ake th#ngs 'orse." It does !ake th#ngs 'orse %or a short t#!e but !uch better oer the long run. )hen (eo(le don+t get good results %ro! the d#rect e3(ress#on o% anger the odds are the anger 'asn+t co!(letely e3(ressed. Probably one or both (eo(le 'ere !ad but try#ng to be decent and %a#r at the sa!e t#!e. *ry#ng to be construct#e 'h#le 'ant#ng to destroy #s a real d#le!!a a d##s#on o% energy bet'een o((os#ng goals and con%us#ng. D##ded e3(ress#on doesn+t 'ork. This selfo$$osition with regard to e%$ressing anger is what
$er$etuates anger& *o e3(ress anger %ully 'e !ust g#e u( !ost o% our constra#nts on #t. )e can #nh#b#t k#ll#ng and (hys#cal #olence. But 'e !ust be '#ll#ng to be angry rather than decent and %a#r because angry rather than decent and %a#r #s 'hat 'e (resently are. A%ter 'e are angry 'e !ay be decent and %a#r but 'e '#ll neer be authent#cally angry or authent#4 cally %a#r 'h#le 'e are struggl#ng to be both at once. An)e# I$ Uni(e#$ally Hu!an "ay$ of Handlin) An)e# A#e Cl%#ally
des#re or %ear. Anger #s not #n #tsel% a (roble!. 0h#ldren (er#od#cally get !ad ra#se hell and get oer #t. So!et#!es they '#n and get the#r 'ay and so!et#!es they lose but they usually get oer #t. Adults ho'eer (ers#st #n us#ng learned 120
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ways of handling anger that don
less strateg#es,not the anger #tsel%,#s the (roble!. Anger #s bound to ha((en to all hu!an be#ngs %ro! be#ng l#ttle less strong and de(endent on others %or a long long t#!e. It see!s l#ke #t takes %oreer to get b#g. All ch#l4 dren get !ad #n all cultures. So!e bab#es are %uss#er than others to start '#th but all bab#es are #n %or d#sa((o#nt!ent as they gro' older. *he older they gro' the !ore d#sa((o#nt4 !ents they e3(er#ence. And they (rotest angr#ly. Parental res(onse to these early #nstances o% (rotest are the start o% long4ter! cultural cond#t#on#ng. As soon as 'e beco!e ca(able o% ha#ng e3(ectat#ons 'e beco!e ca(able o% (rotest#ng not ha#ng the! !et. As &or!an O Bro'n (o#nts out #n Life gainst *eath,= #% be#ng neurot#c #s (rotest#ng aga#nst the 'orld be#ng as #t #s neuros#s #s bu#lt #n to gro'#ng u(. As I sa#d #n the (re#ous cha(ter being a neurot#c #s incessantly de!and#ng #n a r#g#d styl#5ed %or! that the 'orld be other than #t #s. I% so!eone gets drunk a %e' t#!es she hasn+t yet ?ual#%#ed as an alcohol#c but #% she (ers#sts she earns the r#ght to the category. On nu!er4 ous occas#ons and at all stages o% gro'#ng u( all o% us behae neurot#cally. )hether 'e ado(t the neurot#c (rotest as a stand #n l#%e as an #ncessant the!e and as a 'ay o% be#ng de(ends on a lot o% %actors the !ost #!(ortant o% 'h#ch #s ho' 'e handle the anger that co!es '#th d#sa((o#nted e34 (ectat#ons. In our culture 'hen 'e are older 'e st#ll e3(er#ence anger but 'e no longer (er!#t ourseles to be angry and to e3(ress anger at the sa!e t#!e. *here%ore 'e don+t get oer. #t as ?u#ckly as 'e d#d 'hen 'e 'ere younger. )e learn #n 77
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the course o% gro'#ng u( a%ter gett#ng (un#shed %or anger and los#ng a %e' battles that #t #s s!arter to h#de our anger than to e3(ress #t. )e are ra#sed to bel#ee that 'e should get angry only at certa#n t#!es at certa#n (eo(le and only #% 'e are "r#ght." S#nce 'e all get angry all the t#!e at the 'rong (eo(le at the 'rong t#!es and %or the 'rong reasons 'e learn early #n l#%e that the 'ay to deal '#th th#s un'anted anger #s to kee( #t h#dden. )e cannot ao#d un'anted e3(er#ences at the 'rong t#!es to'ard the 'rong (eo(le,4l#ke se3ual e3c#te!ent and anger,4/ust by th#nk#ng 'e shouldn+t be ha#ng the!. De4 n#al the !ost (r#!#t#e and least e%%ect#e de%ense aga#nst these %eel#ngs stubbornly (ers#sts een though #t neer 'orks. )hen 'e deny anger the 'ay 'e (erce#e the 'orld and the 'ay 'e conce#e o% the (eo(le #n #t beco!e d#storted. *he rest o% our l#es are colored by the d#storted (erce(t#on o% the 'orld result#ng %ro! the stock(#le o% den#ed and '#thheld anger. *he l#ttle nests o% !oral#ty tales about anger that !ake u( our $udeo40hr#st#an4Greek culture that our ch#ldren learn %ro! %a#ry tales and school#ng don+t hel( the! to han4 dle anger. D#s(lace!ent )hen anger #s not e3(ressed d#rectly #t #s e3(ressed #nd#rectly. So #t gets e3(ressed but not e3(er#enced. I% anger #s not e%$ressed d#rectly #t #s not e%$erienced d#rectly. nless a (erson e3(er#ences anger #n the body and ackno'ledges the e3(er#ence the anger does not co!(lete #tsel%4,does not d#s4 charge subs#de and go a'ay. )hen anger #s e3(ressed #nd#4 7
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rectly #n 'ays that are calculated to ao#d the e3(er#ence o% anger anger gets stored u( rather than d#ss#(at#ng. *he e3(e4 r#ence o% anger #s conerted to thoughts about the resented (erson,4/udg!ents co!(la#nts conclus#ons and #!ag#nary conersat#ons. )hen you are (reoccu(#ed '#th thoughts about so!eone to'ard 'ho! you are angry you beco!e d#stracted. ";ou+re dr##ng !e to d#stract#on1" !y !other used to say. Forgett#ng agree!ents stand#ng (eo(le u( !#ldly cr#t#c#5#ng !ost o% another+s beha#or ha#ng acc#4 dents !ak#ng !#stakes acc#dentally say#ng th#ngs to hurt others and %orgett#ng (eo(le+s na!es are all #nd#rect e3(res4 s#ons o% anger. Anger o% th#s k#nd #s dangerous !uch !ore so than the short4ter! e3(los#e k#nd. *h#s #s the %or! o% anger '#th 'h#ch 'e hae been (o#soned and '#th 'h#ch 'e cont#nue to (o#son our ch#ldren. *h#s %or! o% anger accu!ulates and #s the d#rect cause o% the %re?uency o% (hys#cal abuse #n our soc#ety. As d#%%#cult as #t !ay be %or our !#nds to acce(t the d#rect e3(ress#on o% resent!ent 'orks better than the su((res4 s#on o% anger to (rotect ourseles and each other %ro! da! 4 age by anger. )hen 'e co!!un#cate our resent!ent to the (erson 'e resent the anger d#ss#(ates !ore co!(letely #n the !o!ent o% e3(ress#on. *he anger !ay get cranked u( to a h#gher (#tch than see!s reasonable #n !any s!all argu!ents but the #ntens#ty o% the e3(er#ence allo's the heat out 'here #t can cool. Peo(le can get oer be#ng !ad #% they %ace resent!ent one #nstance at a t#!e. Een #% the (erson to'ard 'ho! 'e are angry doesn+t change agree to change 7<
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or a(olog#5e 'e can st#ll %org#e that (erson %or our o'n bene%#t. *he e3tre!e alternat#e to th#s one4ste(4at4a4t#!e a(4 (roach #s to be the youngest k#d to !ake Eagle Scout #n Boy Scout h#story get good grades al'ays be n#ce beco!e a good 2ar#ne and then go u( #n the to'er at the n#ers#ty o% *e3as and shoot to k#ll eerybody #n s#ght %or t'o hours. D#s(laced anger #s the (roble! o% the age. *he (eo(le 'ho d#ed on battle%#elds #n the :th century all d#ed #n the de%ense o% so!e (r#nc#(le o% *#ghtness. 2ost o% the! 'ere /ust k#ds. 2ost o% the! 'ere be#ng obed#ent and r#ghteous. 2ost o% the! 'ere scared. 2ost 'ere (#ssed o%% they thought at so!e co!!on ene!y o% the t#!e #n the soc#ally a((roed 'ay. 2ost o% the! 'ere %#ght#ng to sae the#r loed ones %ro! so!e #gnorant %uck#ng th#ng or another. 2ost o% the! 'ere adolescents gang#ng together #n a co!!on cause o% r#ghteous !urder to (rotect the#r God4da!ned (arents 'ho taught the! to handle the#r anger that 'ay. *hese k#ds 'ho 'ere (ol#te to the#r !others and obed#ent to the#r %a4 thers 'ere (#t#%ul #gnorant heroes and the sacr#%#ce o% the#r l#es 'as a 'aste. So th#s #s 'hat ha((ens '#th anger@ as ch#ldren gro' constantly oer(o'ered cared %or and controlled ch#ldhood e3(ress#ons o% anger aga#nst stronger adults are (un#shed e#4 ther oertly or coertly or 'orse condescend#ngly !oral4 #5ed about. As ch#ldren 'e do the best 'e can to co(y a((roed 'ays o% deal#ng '#th anger to ao#d gett#ng (un4 #shed %or #t. *he result at least #n our culture #s that !ost (eo(le don+t e3(ress anger d#rectly. It+s not that they don+t kno' they+re angry or that they 'on+t talk about the#r angerJ 79 .
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they do and they '#ll. 2ost (eo(le ho'eer 'on+t e3(ress the#r resent!ent #n (erson to the (erson at 'ho! they are angry. Instead they goss#( co!(la#n cr#t#c#5e %antas#5e about tell#ng the (erson o%% and let #t out #n other #nd#rect 'ays. Su((ress#on and d#s(lace!ent to #deals #nd#gnat#on and /udg!ents -aga#nst others and ourseles usually 'ork 'ell enough that by the t#!e 'e !ales reach 7 years o% age and so!e elder asshole tells us to k#ll so!e (eo(le to de%end so!e bullsh#t (r#nc#(le 'e run r#ght out and do #t. Undoin) %he Lea#ned S,,#e$$ion of An)e# Oerco!#ng co!(letely the learned su((ress#on o% an4 ger #s I th#nk a %ut#le ob/ect#e. So!e (eo(le do beco!e less
angry and less cr#((led by den#al through thera(y. So!e (eo(le co!e to ter!s '#th the#r anger and ackno'ledge #ts #n%luence on the#r l#es to a greater degree and beco!e less hel(less 'hen angry. Others don+t hae !uch luck '#th #t. Eeryone 'ho e3(er#!ents '#th tell#ng the truth about an4 ger at least %#nds out that (eo(le don+t d#e #% you tell the! you resent the! %or so!eth#ng they sa#d or d#d. In %act !ore o%ten than not 'hen (eo(le tell the truth about the#r %eel4 #ngs relat#onsh#(s get better een #% the truth #s about hatred. *he trans#t#on %ro! be#ng a %ool#sh hero or hero#ne to be#ng %ree o% the %ear o% anger #s a thera(eut#c (rocess you can engage #n by agree!ent '#th (eo(le '#th 'ho! you hae co!!#tted relat#onsh#(s. E3(ress#ng resent!ent d#rectly #s a re?u#re!ent %or creat#ng an authent#c relat#onsh#( bet'een t'o hu!an be#ngs #nstead o% an entangle!ent o% t'o !#nds. Agree#ng to tell the truth about anger #n a co!!#tted rela4 t#onsh#( #s a 'ay to get oer so!e o% the da!age and su%%er4 78
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#ng that co!es %ro! ho' you 'ere ra#sed. It #s a 'ay o% los#ng your !#nd and co!#ng to your senses and e3(er#enc4 #ng yoursel% as a be#ng rather than as a /u!ble o% !orals gleaned %ro! 'hateer your sad story !ay be. It #s a 'ay o% gro'#ng beyond (r#!#t#e %ool#shness to a !ore adanced %or!. Tellin) the T#%h Abo% An)e# fo# %he Sa;e of
Forg#eness *ell#ng the truth about anger !eans !ak#ng a (resent4 tense state!ent about your e3(er#ence while angry, to the (erson '#th 'ho! you are angry. &o one can hae !uch luck gett#ng oer anger4s#ckness unless they can tell the truth about the#r e3(er#ence #n the (resent and #n the (resence o% the (erson they are !ad at. I+! not say#ng you should tell the truth #n order to be a good or better (erson. *h#s #s not !eant as a !oral (r#nc#(le but as a %unct#onal rule o% thu!b. *ell#ng the truth about your anger lets you %unct#on better #n a (rag!at#c 'ay ach#e#ng your goals and en/oy#ng the (ro4 cess #nstead o% %eel#ng dr#en by %orces beyond your control. )hen you are '#ll#ng to hae an e3(er#ence be as it is, (r#or to categor#5#ng the e3(er#ence as "good" or "bad" and you don+t 'aste all o% your energy try#ng to ao#d or l#e about the e3(er#ence you hae a cho#ce about ho' you can res(ond to that e3(er#ence. One o% the hall!arks o% su((ressed anger #s hel(lessness. *he language o% hel(lessness #s "I can+tJ" "they !ade !eJ" "#t+s no useJ" "#t doesn+t really !atterJ" and "you /ust don+t understand." Po'er #s ass#gned to %orces outs#de the s(eaker. *he %ollo'#ng e3a!(le o% a cou(le+s #nteract#on #n !y 7=
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o%%#ce #llustrates an angry cl#ent be#ng d#rected to !ake a (resent4tense state!ent about her e3(er#ence rather than re4 !a#n#ng lost #n her !#nd. *HERAPIS*@ "Anne I 'ant you to look at Da#d and tell h#! 'hat you resent h#! %or." A&&E -looks at Da#d and then back at the thera(#st@ "He neer l#stens to !e. I can+t talk to h#! about anyth#ng #!(ortant and he has no #nterest #n !y l#%e." *HERAPIS* @ "ook at Da#d and tell h#! not !e." A&&E -looks at Da#d and reddens@ ";ou neer l#sten to !e. I can+t talk to you." She looks back at the thera(#st %or a((roal. DAID @ "Oh bullsh#t. I l#sten to you." Anne glances at her husband then !akes a "See 'hat I !ean" gesture to the thera(#st. *HERAPIS*@ "Anne %#rst o% all I 'ant you to kee( look#ng at Da#d not at !e and allo' yoursel% to re!a#n #n touch '#th h#! een #% you start to %eel unco!%ortably angry. Secondly be !ore s(ec#%#c. 0o!(lete the sentence +I resent you %or. . . .+ '#th so!eth#n g he actually sa#d or d#d." A&&E @ "I+! not angryJ I +! /ust u(set about not be#ng l#stened to. He treats !e l#ke a ch#ld and I+! s#ck o% (utt#ng u( '#th #t." *HERAPIS* @ ";ou+re ly#ng. ;ou are angry and you+re un4 '#ll#ng so %ar to e3(er#!ent '#th your anger to see 'hat 'ould ha((en #% you 'ere d#rect #nstead o% #nd#rect and (o#4 sonous #n your e3(ress#on o% #t. I% you could tell h#! d#rectly and e3(ress#ely 'hat you resent h#! %or you !ay %#nd that you %eel less hel(less and less do!#nated by Da#d." 7
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A&&E@ "I kne' you+d take h#s s#de1 ;ou+re /ust l#ke a (rosecut#ng attorney (utt#ng a ra(e #ct#! on tr#al. I don+t need to s(end t'o hours and all th#s !oney to be beratedJ I can stay ho!e and get that %or %ree." -Da#d has been react#ng throughout th#s e3change '#th dra!at#c s#ghs sco'ls and der#s#e laughter. Anne no' turns to %ace h#!. A&&E @ "I resent you %or laugh#ng at !e you . . . you . . . sh#thead1" -*ears hae 'elled u( #n her eyes. *HERAPIS* @ "Good1 6ee( go#ng1" A&&E -hold#ng out her hand %or a t#ssue@ "I can+t . . . #t !akes !e cry and I don+t 'ant to cry." -She atte!(ts to reta#n control o% her tearsJ she closes her eyes blo's her nose and then coers her %ace '#th her hands. A%ter a !o!ent she l#%ts her head and %aces Da#d aga#n. "I resent you %or laugh4 #ng at !e /ust no'J I resent you %or laugh#ng at !e 'heneer I+! ser#ous. I resent you %or . . . %or . . . %or neer l#sten4 #ng to !e." *hey stare at each other. Anne has sto((ed cry#ng. Her %ace #s red and blotchyJ her body #s r#g#dJ her breath#ng #s ra(#d. Da#d looks ser#ous no' and h#s /a' !uscles 'ork. He #s /ust (erce(t#bly nodd#ng. *HERAPIS* @ "Good Anne. Ho' do you %eel r#ght no'@ A&&E -takes a dee( breath@ "Okay" *HERAPIS* @ " +Okay+ #s an ealuat#on. I 'ant a descri$tion o% 'hat you are %eel#ng #n your body." A&&E @ " I + ! t en se a ll o e r. 2 y . . . ! y . . . I + ! breath#ng %ast. 2y hands are shak#ng." DAID@ ";our %ace #s red." 7
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A&&E@
;3uc5 you1" DAID @ "Fuck youE; *hey look at each other. *HERAPIS* @ "Good. Da#d you+ll get your turn to e3(ress all your resent!ent but I 'ant to %ocus on Anne and hae her co!(lete hers %#rst. Anne kee( go#ng you+re do#ng great. Stay#ng #n touch '#th your e3(er#ence in your body, tell Da#d s$ecifically 'hat you resent h#! %or." A&&E @ "I resent you %or tell#ng !e !y %ace 'as red. I resent you %or &O* IS*E&I&G *O 2E ;O ARRO4 GA&* SO&OFABI*0H1" -She thro's her t#ssue at h#!. *HERAPIS*@
"Good1 !hat s$ecific things, has he said or done
that you inter$reted as him not listening to youK; A&&E -(auses
cons#ders@ "He turns on the * 'hen I+! #n the !#ddle o% say#ng so!eth#ng to h#! I can be say#ng that 2art#ans are #nad#ng and the k#tchen #s on %#re and he+ll go +)a#t a sec #t+s th#rd do'n.+ " *HERAPIS*@ ")hen d#d he last do th#s" A&&E @ "! . . . 2onday I ca!e ho!e %ro! 'ork and I 'as tell#ng h#! ho' u(set I 'as about not gett#ng th#s (ro/ect that he 5new 'as so #!(ortant to !e and he totally #gnored !e1" DAID @ "$esus Anne you started talk#ng to !e r#ght #n the !#ddle o% a ga!e and #t 'as an #!(ortant (art and I /ust asked you to 'a#t unt#l the co!!erc#al to tell !e1" A&&E -to *hera(#st@ "Do you th#nk #t+s too !uch to ask to sto( 'atch#ng a %ootball ga!e %or a %e' !#nutes to (ay attent#on to your ob#ously d#straught '#%e" DAtD@ ";ou (ur(osely br#ng u( these !elodra!as 'hen I+! #n the !#ddle o% so!eth#ng1" 7C
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A&&E@
"2elodra!as1" *HERAPIS* @ ")a#t 'a#t. . . . ;ou+re both gett#ng s#de4 tracked #nto try#ng to (roe and get !e to ad/ud#cate the r#ghtness o% your cases. Instead o% %ocus#ng on the legal#ty o% your (os#t#ons I 'ant you to %ocus on your anger and your e3(er#ence and e%$ress your anger without having to ustify it&
Anne tell Da#d you resent h#! %or 'hat he d#d 2onday n#ght and !ake #t good and loud and d#rect and without usti fication&;
A && E -takes a dee( breath turns back to Da#d@ "I re4 sent you %or turn#ng to the %ootball ga!e as I 'as talk#ng to you about !y (ro/ect1" *HERAPIS*@ ")hat do you not#ce #n your e3(er#ence" A&&E@ "I+! %eel#ng sort o% . . . *HERAPIS* @
charged u(. *#ngl#ng."
"Say the sa!e resent!ent aga#n '#th !ore
e3(ress#on." A&&E @
;1 resent you for watching the football game while 1
was tal5ing to you about not getting my $roectE; She sto(s look #ng
at Da#d breath#ng !ore ?u#ckly. She leans %or'ard. "I RESE&* ;O FOR )A*0HI&G *HE GODDA2& FOO*BA GA2E )HIE I )AS *R;I&G *O *E ;O SO2E*HI&G111" she shouts r#s#ng out o% her cha#r. She #s shak#ngJ her ha#r #s %ly#ngJ her %#sts are clenched. She s#ts back do'n (ant#ng. !0RAPlS*@ ")hat do you not#ce" A&&E@ "I %eel a lot o% energy. I+! certa#nly not cry#ng any!ore." She laughs. DAID @ ")hat+s so %unny" A&&E @ "I don+t kno'. Partly #t %eels good /ust to let loose. Partly I+! laugh#ng because I /ust real#5ed that !y 130
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!other used to co!(la#n to !y dad all the t#!e %or the sa!e th#ng. It+s l#ke #t+s the sa!e godda!ned %ootball ga!e %ro! th#rty years ago st#ll on." She laughs aga#n. *he (o#nt o% th#s 'ork #s clear. )#th (at#ence and re(e4 t#t#on the cl#ent learns to be !ad and (ay attent#on to e3(e4 r#ence #n her body at the sa!e t#!e. Anne eentually got #n touch '#th her e3(er#ence o% resent!ent and a%ter a 'h#le got oer #t. )hat ca!e out a%ter she 'asn+t so !ad at Da#d any!ore 'as her resent!ent %or her %ather %or #gnor#ng her %or g##ng her ad#ce %or be#ng cold 'hen she !ade less than (er%ect grades %or cr#t#c#5#ng her boy%r#ends and so on. *he anger that she 'as deny#ng by cla#!#ng hel(lessness resulted #n her say#ng she "couldn+t" talk to her husband. It had a h#story #n her bel#e% about "not be#ng able" to talk to her %ather. ater she had a d#alogue '#th an e!(ty cha#r #n 'h#ch she #!ag#ned her %ather s#tt#ng. She s'#tched s#des back and %orth beco!#ng at one t#!e her %ather and another t#!e hersel%. In th#s #!ag#nary s#tuat#on she told her %ather all the th#ngs she resented h#! %or ?u#te e3(ress#ely and then (layed him tell#ng her h#s resent!ents. ater on #n thera(y she agreed to s(end three days '#th her %ather and tell h#! her resent!ents and stay #n touch '#th her e3(er#ence. She ended u( go#ng on acat#on '#th Da#d and both her (arents. )hen she ca!e back %ro! that tr#( she 'as elated. *h#s #s 'hat she sa#d@ ")hen I le%t there I 'as '#ll#ng and een e3c#ted by the (ros(ect o% see#ng !y %ather aga#n. For the %#rst t#!e I can re!e!ber I thought so!eth#ng other than +'ell I got through that #s#t.+ )h#le 'e 'ere st#ll at the beach '#th !y (arents Da#d and I talked about our relat#onsh#( and about !y relat#onsh#( '#th !y 7<7
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%ather. )e argued so!e and 'e both cr#ed so!e. )e ca!e u( '#th so!e ne' ground rules %or our !arr#age,#nclud#ng tell#ng the truth to each other. One n#ght he and !y dad and !o! and I stayed u( unt#l @<: #n the !orn#ng talk#ng about eeryth#ng #nclud#ng 'hat (#sses us o%% about each other but also about 'hat 'e a((rec#ate and a bunch o% other stu%%. )e had a great t#!e1" Ad*i%%in) Bein) U,$e%= Denyin) Bein) An)#y Generally (eo(le are '#ll#ng to ad!#t that they %eel
"u(set" but not that they are angry. )e re!e!ber "I% you can+t say anyth#ng n#ce about so!eone don+t say anyth#ng at all." Forget that. Do the reerse. And 'hen e3(ress#ng anger #t 'orks better to oerstate the case. S#nce 'e too o%ten un4 der(lay anger #t #s necessary to oer(lay #t. 2ost o% us don+t kno' ho' to #dent#%y clearly 'hat anger %eels l#ke #ns#de our bod#es. )e attend to our !any rac#ng thoughts %ocus#ng on the *#ghtness or 'rongness o% the conersat#on 'e /ust had #nstead o% tun#ng #n to our e34 (er#ence #n the !o!ent. )e #gnore our rac#ng heart and the %lush o% heat #n our %ace and the tens#on bu#ld#ng #n our shoulders and the t#ghten#ng o% our sto!achs. )hen 'e do ackno'ledge these %eel#ngs 'e do so only at an abstract leel that subsu!es too !uch e3(er#ence. )e say 'e are "u(set" about so!e general set o% beha#ors on so!eone else+s (art. Een ackno'ledg#ng "u(set" #s a %#rst ste(J so!e o% us deny een that. *he second ste( #s ad!#tt#ng that our "u(set" #s anger. *he th#rd ste( #s s(eak#ng resent!ents s(ec#%#cally and #n contact '#th one+s o'n body and the eyes o% the other (erson. 7<
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Other 0lues About Den#al o% Anger ots o% beha#ors #nd#cate anger. I% you goss#( about so!eone to so!eone else you are angry. ;ou haen+t co!4 (letely e3(ressed your resent!ent to that (erson you gos4 s#(ed about. Another t#(o%% #s break#ng your 'ord 'h#le try ing not to. )hen you %#nd yoursel% "try#ng" struggl#ng str##ng '#thout any results look %or 'ho! you are try#ng to (lease@ you are (robably !ad at the!. Another clue #s sel%4conde!nat#on. Instead o% con4 de!n#ng yoursel% and call#ng yoursel% a rotten 'eak or stu4 (#d (erson ask yoursel% ")ho a! I !ad at" Don+t let yoursel% o%% the hook '#th the rat#onal#5at#on "I+! /ust !ad at !ysel%." *h#s #s 'orthless. ;ou (ostulate t'o (eo(le "I" and "!ysel% 'ho are !ad at each other. Put the t'o (#eces back together and %#nd so!eone else to be !ad at. )hen you hae a cho#ce o% be#ng !ad at so!eone else or !ad at yoursel% al'ays (#ck so!eone else. 2ost (eo(le th#nk sel%4 conde!nat#on #s a #rtueJ #t+s not. Another h#nt o% h#dden anger #s (er%ect#on#s!. Peo(le 'ho are (roud o% be#ng (er%ect#on#sts and %or 'ho! hardly anyth#ng #s eer good enough are angry at so!eone else. "oe your ne#ghbor as yoursel% doesn+t !ean to l#eJ #t !eans to tell the (etty unreasonable un/ust#%#able truth, good and loud and d#rect. *ry treat#ng other (eo(le as sh#tty as you treat yoursel%. At t#!es be#ng honest about your anger #s the only 'ay you hae o% shar#ng 'ho you are. oe #s shar#ng 'hat you hae een #% you+re ha#ng a %#t. *ell#ng the truth #s lo#ng your ne#ghbor.
7<<
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S%,id >e$%ion$= D*b Idea$ and Bll$hi% Ra%ionali? a%ion$ Peo(le ask !e ")hy do I hae to e3(ress !y anger d#rectly to another (erson Isn+t #t (oss#ble to /ust %orget about #t or /ust understand the other (erson+s s#tuat#on and %org#e h#!" *he ans'er #s no. ;ou cannot %org#e so!eone else '#thout e3(ress#ng your resent!ent d#rectly to her or hi*. )e can all !ake u( (lenty o% leg#t#!ate4sound#ng rea4 sons %or cont#nu#ng to ao#d or '#thhold %ro! the resented (erson. "*here+s no (o#nt #n br#ng#ng #t u( aga#n. It+s oer. And bes#des I+! not angry any!ore" W*hen 'hy do you kee( th#nk#ng about #t )hy do you kee( br#ng#ng #t u(. "I bel#ee #n %org#eness" -as #% "bel#e#ng" #n %org#eness could !ake you %org#e so!ebody 'hen you haen+t. "She (roba4 bly d#dn+t !ean 'hat she sa#d. She /ust had a really bad day" -as #% you could reason yoursel% out o% the e3(er#ence o% be #n g an gry . "I ca n+ t e en re!e !b er 'h at I 'a s !a d about" -!ean#ng "I+d rather not re!e!ber so I don+t hae to %eel unco!%ortable". "I th#nk I do the sa!e th#ngs that I accuse h#! o% do#ng so I can+t really bla!e h#!" -but you do bla!e h#!. "She has !any other 'onder%ul ?ual#t#es. I don+t 'ant to har( on the negat#es" -so you lose touch '#th your a((rec#at#on o% her soon a%ter you lose touch '#th your re4 sent!ent. All these e3(lanat#ons sound %org##ng and noble 'h#ch they 'ould be #% they 'ere e3(er#ences rather than #deas. *he (roble! #s not that these #deas are #naccurate or 'rong. *he (roble! #s that ideas about %org#eness are not %org#e4 ness. *hey don+t een hel(. )hat you are le%t '#th #s the 7<9
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e3(er#ence o% resent!ent and the conce(t o% %org#eness, and a deter#orat#ng relat#onsh#(. *hese e3(lanat#ons are gen4 erated by your !#nd so that you can ao#d the e3(er#ence o% anger. As you are say#ng or th#nk#ng these thoughts you are busy#ng yoursel% to ao#d %eel#ng anger. Forg##ng so!eone '#th 'ho! you are angry,actually e%$eriencing %org##ng h#!,only ha((ens a%ter you tell h#! 'hat he d#d or sa#d that you resent. Only 'hen you allo' yoursel% to e3(er#ence and e3(ress anger o(enly '#ll #t d#sa(4 (ear. *h#nk#ng and dec#d#ng 'hat to do about the (erson only seres to su((ress the anger. Een though you th#nk the anger #s oer #t '#ll !an#%est #tsel% #n other 'ays. ;our co!4 !un#cat#on '#ll be less honest and s(ontaneousJ you !ay be !ore cr#t#cal o% h#!J you !ay %#nd be#ng '#th h#! !ore (hys#cally t#r#ng %orget a((o#nt!ents '#th h#! and %#nd yoursel% #ne3(l#cably angry at h#! !ore and !ore. A%ter a 'h#le your %r#endsh#( !ay %eel !ore su(er%#c#al than be%ore and you !ay not l#ke s(end#ng as !uch t#!e '#th h#! as you used to. I% you l#e '#th the (erson you !ay %eel a d#%%erence #n the ?ual#ty o% t#!e you s(end together. ;ou !ay not#ce that you+d rather stare at the tele#s#on than look #nto h#s eyes. It takes a lot o% courage to change th#s. ;ou !ust be '#ll#ng %or th#ngs to get 'orse be%ore they get better.
2y An)e# 'ay No% Be Ri)h% 2ost resent!ents are #rrat#onal unreasonable stu(#d and based on #nco!(lete #n%or!at#on. 2ak#ng a success%ul case %or ho' your resent!ent #s "r#ght" and ho' the other 7<8
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(erson #s "'rong" #sn+t the solut#onJ #t+s the (roble!. )e hu!an be#ngs are all sel%#sh and un%a#r and #t+s 'orse than useless to (retend 'e aren+t. It #s co!!on %or ch#ldren to resent a younger s#bl#ng %or be#ng the baby o% the %a!#ly. Is that the baby+s %ault D#d the baby choose to be born last #n the %a!#ly It see!s un%a#r to resent (eo(le %or th#ngs oer 'h#ch they hae no control. )e+re all un%a#r. It+s unreasonable to resent younger s#bl#ngs 'ho! 'e also loe %or gett#ng !ore attent#on than 'e do but the truth #s that 'e st#ll resent the!. It+s unreasonable to resent (arents %or gro'#ng old bab#es %or cry#ng !en %or be#ng !en or 'o!en %or be#ng 'o!en. But 'e do. Our dec#s#on not to e3(ress our resent4 !ent #s based on a dee(ly held bel#e% that our anger has to be /ust#%#ed r#ghteous and leg#t#!ate. It doesn+t. *o be %ree o% anger 'e hae to g#e u( th#s bel#e% and allo' our resent4 !ents and other (eo(le+s resent!ents to be e3(ressed een #% they are co!(letely #rrat#onal. One o% the th#ngs that !akes gett#ng oer the loss o% a loed one take a long t#!e #s the re%usal o% (eo(le to ad!#t that they are %ur#ous at the dead (erson %or dy#ng. It doesn+t !ake sense to hate so!eone %or dy#ng,they d#dn+t do #t on (ur(ose. )e do though. Eery one o% us hates (eo(le 'e loe 'ho d#e on us. )e are (sycholog#cal be#ngs and not log#cal be#ngs. So 'hen you tell the truth about your resent!ents you !ay look l#ke a %ool. ;ou '#ll be #n good co!(any. *he b#ggest %ools o% all are the ones 'ast#ng the#r l#es (retend#ng not to be %ools. 7<=
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Fa#rness ersus Forg#eness 2any o% us are concerned about %a#rness and use the (r#nc#(le o% %a#rness as our (r#!ary rat#onal#5at#on %or '#th4 hold#ng anger. Adanced #nstruct#on #n th#s (r#nc#(le #s one reason that !any la'yers are !#serable (eo(le and d#orces handled '#th la'yers o%ten end u( '#th ch#ldren shot back and %orth bet'een host#le ca!(s. I% you %orce yoursel% to be %a#r and stay (#ssed o%% you are a %ool and any agree!ents you !ake #n such a state 'on+t 'ork %or you. $udges and la'yers #gnore th#s %act. $udges and la'yers e3#st %or (eo(le 'ho can+t handle the#r anger. A /udge has to tell you 'hat to do based on 'hat he or she th#nks #s %a#r 'hether you l#ke #t or not because you haen+t been able to 'ork th#ngs out on your o'n. *here #s a better 'ay to %#ght that turns out to be e?u#4 table een though #t !ay look unc##l#5ed and un%a#r #n the beg#nn#ng. It !#ght not see! %a#r to e3(ress 'hat see!s l#ke #ntense resent!ent %or (etty reasons #n the beg#nn#ng but the adantages beco!e clear by the t#!e the argu!ent #s oer. *h#ngs turn out %a#rly 'hen (eo(le get oer be#ng angry. *he results o% e3(er#!ent#ng '#th th#s k#nd o% #nteract#on are ery dra!at#c. *he !a/or bene%#t o% e3(ress#ng your anger co!(letely to so!eone #s that a%ter'ards you can %org#e h#! or her. *he reason %or %org##ng your ene!#es #s not %or their bene%#t but %or your own benefit& Hold#ng grudges aga#nst other (eo(le doesn+t hurt the!J doesn+t een bother the! !uch,#n %act een (leases the! #% they are st#ll !ad at you. It #s not #n your enl#ghtened sel%4#nterest to hold grudges regardless o% 'hether #t bothers the (erson you hate or not. nless you 7<
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deelo( the ca(ac#ty to do 'hat #t takes to %org#e other (eo(le you can+t tell bullsh#t %ro! real#tyJ you can+t %org#e yoursel%J and you stay tra((ed #n !oral conde*na%ion #n your !#nd. ;our body stays t#ed #n knots and susce(t#ble to #llness and you can be sure o% a sh#tty l#%e and lousy relat#on4 sh#(s '#th anyone else you (a#r u( '#th een #% you leae the (erson you hate. The @Dan)e#o$ P#ac%ical Con$eence$@ Ra%ionali?a%ion ;ou !#ght (rotest "*he reasons I hae %or not e3(ress#ng
anger deal '#th real conse?uences that !#ght ensue #% I ble' u( at so!eone . . . %or #nstance I !#ght lose !y /ob." ;es you !#ght. Ho'eer there #s a greater (oss#b#l#ty that by not e3(ress#ng your anger you '#ll sabotage your relat#onsh#( '#th your boss or co4'orkers to the (o#nt 'here you !ay as 'ell ?u#t or '#ll end u( ?u#tt#ng or gett#ng %#red. Perha(s y(u start !#ss#ng days !ak#ng !#stakes or /ust be#ng !ore #nterested #n !ak#ng the boss or co4'orkers 'rong than #n su((ort#ng the! h#! or her. 2aybe you '#thhold your enthus#as! a l#ttle. *he /ob '#ll beco!e less sat#s%y#ng and the re'ards o% kee(#ng your /ob 4ill be %ar out'e#ghed by the aggraat#on o% ha#ng to (ut u( '#th these (eo(le. *h#s '#ll occur #n d#rect relat#on to ho' !uch you %eel you hae to '#thhold your anger 'hen you are at 'ork. In add#t#on to less sat#s%act#on and (oorer (er%or!ance the h#dden costs #nclude reduced (hys#cal health and re(ercuss#ons #n your %a!#ly l#%e. *h#s #sn+t to encourage you to lose your /ob and #t #sn+t to encourage you to kee( #t. ;ou (robably 'on+t lose #tJ #n %act your relat#onsh#( '#th your boss and your co4 7<
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'orkers '#ll (robably #!(roe #% you con%ront the!. But een #% there #s a r#sk you '#ll lose #t be a'are o% the costs o% hang#ng on to #t. sually 'hat ha((ens #s you get a l#%eless de(ress#ng /ob and an unha((y %a!#ly l#%e %or your e%%ort. Eentually een that trade4o%% doesn+t 'ork. )e hae an oersu((ly o% co'ards '#th lousy dead de(ress#ng /obs and lousy dead de(ress#ng %a!#ly l#es. )e don+t need any !ore. Don+t olunteer %or that /ob. Da!aged heroes '#th !#sd#4 rected courage abound. I hae coached a lot o% (eo(le through con%l#cts at 'ork #n (r#ate #ndustry and the goern!ent and !any o% !y cl#ents hae cl#!bed to the to( o% the#r (ro%ess#ons. )hat see!s clear to !e #s that (eo(le don+t o%ten adance by s#!4 (ly ho(#ng and beha#ng the!seles. A lot o% (eo(le 'aste the#r t#!e be#ng 'ell4behaed e!(loyees ao#d#ng the r#sk o% tell#ng the truth about resent!ent ho(#ng %or adance4 !ent. *he (eo(le 'ho actually get to the to( are both !ore nasty and !ore lo#ng. *hey are not good l#ttle (ass#e4 aggress#e ass4k#ssers. *hey are !ore l#kely to be ass4k#ckers. 2aybe so!e o% the! got k#cked u(sta#rs because !ore (as4 s#e (eo(le couldn+t stand (utt#ng u( '#th the! any!ore. So!e got (ro!oted because they sto((ed be#ng '#ll#ng to stand around and goss#( about 'ho 'as to bla!e %or the#r unha((#ness. By not e3(ress#ng resent!ent d#rectly !any (eo(le br#ng about the result they 'ere try#ng to ao#d #n the %#rst (lace,they stay stuck or lose the#r /obs. *hrough care4 %ulness and (ol#teness and good beha#or they choke the!4 seles do'n to be#ng bored burdenso!e stressed out !#serable assholes nobody 'ants to be around. nless they 7
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are c##l serants so!e o% these (eo(le do lose the#r /obs. So!e re!a#n 'ork#ng %or the goern!ent as (a(er'e#ghts. "ill Tellin) %he T#%h Abo% An)e# De$%#oy O# Rela%ion$hi, 2any o% us 'on+t e3(ress anger '#th a loed one. )e
bel#ee that #% 'e e3(ressed our resent!ent #t 'ould destroy our relat#onsh#( and our beloed 'ould leae us. But '#thout the %reedo! to tell the truth about our e3(er#ence our rela4 t#onsh#(s #ne#tably su%%er. )hen 'e e3(ress only our a((re4 c#at#on and '#thhold our anger 'e lose our ab#l#ty to be fully $resent '#th the ones 'e loe and sooner or later 'e be4 co!e less able to a((rec#ate the!. *h#s #s o%ten 'hy relat#on4 sh#(s end and %a!#l#es break u(. Re(ress#ng anger to control other (eo(le+s beha#or -#n th#s case to kee( the! %ro! lea4 #ng #s ult#!ately 'hat leads to our #nab#l#ty to !ake contact '#th the!. Re(ressed anger blocks the %lo' o% loe and cre4 at##ty that 'e once e3(er#enced around the! and generates a %lurry o% thoughts %or us to get caught u( #n. *he !ore 'e are caught u( #n our thoughts the less (resent 'e are to the other (erson and to 'hat #s ha((en#ng #n our o'n !o!ent4 to4!o!ent e3(er#ence. Once you start gett#ng !ore honest '#th yoursel% about your /udg!ental angry !#nd you %#nd yoursel% con%ront#ng th#s ?uest#on@ "Ho' can I e3(ress !y resent!ent #n such a 'ay that I strengthen rather than destroy !y relat#onsh#(s '#th others" *here are 'ays o% e3(ress#ng anger that 'ork and there are 'ays o% e3(ress#ng anger that !ake the s#tuat#on 'orse. *he 'ays that 'ork !ake th#ngs 'orse %or a 'h#le and better 79:
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later. *hese are the ones you 'ant. 2ost (eo(le e3(ress an4 ger #ne%%ect#ely and then 'hen they see ho' unco!%ort4 able the s#tuat#on has beco!e dec#de that #t+s best to leae those %eel#ngs h#dden. *he#r conclus#on #s #ncorrect. It #s best to learn ho' to %#ght so that the a#r bet'een you and the other (erson #s cleared. )hen you hae "cleared the a#r" you are %ree to relate #n a brand4ne' 'ay to that $erson rather than to your ideas about the $erson&
'y An)e# I$ Too E9,lo$i(e I 'i)h% H#% So*eone In the beg#nn#ng an atte!(t to change the hab#t o%
s!other#ng anger can be e3(los#e. *he backed4u( %und o% resent!ent #s released #n a torrent. *he %#rst blo'4u( see!s l#ke a nuclear e3(los#on both because o% #ts !agn#tude and because #t contrasts so dra!at#4 cally '#th %or!er (ol#teness. A%ter a l#ttle (ract#ce the e3(lo4 s#ons beco!e l#ke conent#onal bo!bs then l#ke dyna!#te and then l#ke %#recrackers. *he eentual goal #s to hae hun4 dreds o% t#ny e3(los#ons a !#nute l#ke an #nternal co!bus4 t#on eng#ne. *h#s anger #s good %uel to burnJ #t+s 'hat !akes Sa!!y run. )hat usually ha((ens '#thout a good gu#de through the #n#t#al e3(los#e e3(er#ences #s that the (erson runs a'ay %ro! the e3(er#ence. For th#s reason the (rogress#on do'n the (ath %ro! "e3(los#on" to "eng#ne" doesn+t occur. I% a thera(#st or %r#end can su((ort an angry (erson to stay '#th the e3(er#ence o% be#ng angry een a %e' seconds longer '#th each e3(los#on the cure %or (hony hero#cs can beg#n. #aying attention to the e%$erience of feeling in the body while angry is the 5ey to learning how to use anger rather than have anger use
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you& *hat a'areness o% %eel#ng #n the body #s 'hat causes anger to change %ro! a destruct#e %orce to a usable (o'er. Phony E9,lo$i(ene$$ One has to loo; and l#sten care%ully to d#st#ngu#sh be4 t'een a (hony e3(ress#on o% anger and an authent#c one. A
no#sy e3(ress#on o% anger #s also not al'ays the truth. *he oer4e3(ress#on o% anger can also be a %or! o% ly#ng or a 'ay o% coer#ng oer other %eel#ngs l#ke gr#e%. So!e loud4 !outhed bastards are angry all the t#!e and loud and #nt#!#4 dat#ng about #t to coer oer other %eel#ngs. *h#s coer4u( anger een though #ntensely e3(ressed neer decreases or subs#des because #t #s a (hony e3(ress#on #n the %#rst (lace usually h#d#ng gr#e% or hurt %eel#ngs or %ear o% #nt#!acy. E9,e#i*en%al and E9,e#ien%ial A,,#oach %o C#in) An)e# Sic;ne$$
ook #nto your o'n e3(er#ence o% 'hat ha((ens to you 'hen you get angry. *h#nk o% so!eone '#th 'ho! you are (resently angry. I% you can+t th#nk o% anyone then th#nk o% so!eone 'ho! you don+t (art#cularly l#ke. )hat #s #t that you don+t l#ke about that (erson Perha(s you %eel that th#s (erson #s a snob or (ushy or d#shonest or crude or #nsens#t#e. I% you contacted that (erson and told h#! %orthr#ghtly 'hat you d#dn+t l#ke about h#! and ?u#t there chances are #t 'ould not #!(roe your relat#onsh#(. Don+t sto( '#th that. *he (ur(ose o% e3(ress#ng your anger d#rectly #nstead o% #n4 d#rectly #s to get #n touch '#th the source o% your o'n /udg4 !ents. By the t#!e a (erson dec#des that he doesn+t l#ke so!eone he #s already one ste( re!oed %ro! h#s anger. 79
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)hen asked #% 'e are angry !any o% us !an#%est th#s be#ng4 re!oed4%ro! the anger say#ng "I+! not angry I /ust don+t l#ke h#! -her ery !uch" or "I /ust don+t %eel he+s the k#nd o% (erson that I 'ant to be around." But these /udg!ents are %ounded on one or !ore ery s(ec#%#c #nc#dents about 'h#ch 'e 'ere angry at one t#!e. )e !ay not be consc#ously ly4 #ng because 'e !ay not be e3(er#enc#ng that anger r#ght no'. The form the anger (resently takes #s that o% /udg!ents ealuat#ons and other thoughts. *he s(ec#%#c #nc#dent !ay be hard to recall at %#rst but #nar#ably /udg!ents are based on so!eth#ng that the (erson s(ec#%#cally sa#d or d#d that 'e resented. It+s not that the (erson necessar#ly sa#d or d#d any4 th#ng ob#ously o%%ens#e. 2aybe she /ust sa#d "hello" and you d#dn+t l#ke the 'ay she sa#d #t. Perha(s 'hat he d#d re4 !#nded you o% so!eone else. *he r#ghtness or 'rongness o% 'hat she sa#d or d#d #s #rreleant. ;our anger #s unreasonable and un%a#r. et #t stay that 'ay. *ry#ng to !ake #t see! reasonable,try#ng to !ake the resented (erson wrong ,#s the source o% all the /udg!ents. Stra#ned relat#ons bet'een (eo(le are not based on ealua4 t#on "#bes" or "not l#k#ng the 'ay they are" as !uch as on s(ec#%#c eents,'hat they at one t#!e sa#d or d#d. *he eal4 uat#ons d#sl#ke and e3(lanat#ons co!e later. )hen you can #dent#%y 'hat these s(ec#%#c th#ngs are you are #n a better (os#t#on to e3(ress your resent!ent and heal your relat#on4 sh#( '#th that (erson. )e are all !ore (etty and sel%#sh than 'e are '#ll#ng to ad!#t. )hen 'e are '#ll#ng to ad!#t our (etty anger 'e get oer #t %aster and 'e hae less o% #t #n the %uture. 79<
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*he (rocess o% %org#eness #noles the %ollo'#ng s#3 !#n#!al re?u#re!ents none o% 'h#ch !ay be sk#((ed. 7.;ou
hae to tell the truth about 'hat s(ec#%#c beha #or you resent to the (erson %ace4to4%aceJ .;ou hae to be erbally and ocally unrestra#ned '#th regard to olu!e and (ro(r#etyJ <.;ou hae to (ay attent#on to the %eel#ngs and sensa t#ons #n your body and to the other (erson as you s$ea5A 9.;ou hae to e3(ress any a((rec#at#ons %or the (erson that co!e u( #n the (rocess '#th the sa!e attent#on to your %eel#ngs and to the other (erson as 'hen you are e3(ress#ng resent!entsJ 8.;ou hae to stay '#th any %eel#ngs that e!erge #n the (rocess l#ke tears or laughter regardless o% any ealu at#ons you !ay hae about ho' #t !akes you lookJ =.;ou hae to stay '#th the d#scuss#on unt#l you no longer %eel resent%ul o% the other (erson. *hen and only then are you ready to talk about the %uture !ake arrange!ents %or the %uture or !ake any agree4 !ents. Any la'yer (r#est (sychothera(#st or other (atrol4 !an 'ho tells you d#%%erently about th#s #s %ull o% sh#t. Any d#(lo!at bureaucrat de!ocrat labor leader co!(any e3ecut#e head o% goern!ent husband '#%e son or daughter 'ho atte!(ts to do other than th#s #s l#ke'#se %ull o% sh#t.
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E9e#ci$e$ fo# /e%%in) In%o and /e%%in) O(e# An)e#
"%ercise /ne& 0lose your eyes %or a !o!ent (#cture a
(erson you don+t l#ke and hae an #!ag#nary d#alogue '#th h#!. Tell h#! your /udg!ents about h#!. *ell h#! 'hat he d#d that you resent. *hen #!ag#ne h#s res(onse and res(ond back. Pay attent#on to your body as you engage #n th#s #!ag#4 nary d#alogue. *ake a break %ro! read#ng here and do th#s e3erc#se. "%ercise Two& Go call that (erson you /ust had an #!ag#4
nary conersat#on '#th and !ake an a((o#nt!ent to tell h#! your resent!ents #n (erson. -;ou !ay also tell h#! your a(4 (rec#at#ons #% you hae any or #% any sho' u( a%ter your e34 (ress#on o% resent!ent. *ell the (erson 'hen you call that you 'ant to !eet h#! to tell h#! 'hat you are !ad about and get oer #t and get co!(lete '#th h#!. Ask h#! to !eet '#th you as a %aor to you. Pers#st unt#l he agrees to !eet '#th you. "%ercise Three& 2eet your ene!y and %org#e her or
h#! not as a %aor to her or h#! but %or your o'n sel%#sh bene%#t. F#n#sh read#ng th#s cha(ter be%ore you go to your !eet#ng. Yo A#e P#obably a Co4a#d
;ou (robably d#dn+t do all three o% those e3erc#ses. 2aybe you neer '#ll. &o' you kno' 'hy !ost co'ards l#ke to th#nk o% the!seles as heroes. *hey do #t to h#deJ they are too a%ra#d o% other (eo(le to tell the! the truth. *hey 'ould rather be k#nd to the#r ene!#es than %org#e the! because #t re7uires little courage to fa5e 5indnessA #t+s eas#er less 798
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r#sky less threaten#ng and less trouble. Don+t 'orry. ;ou are nor!al. 2ost (eo(le are too ch#ckensh#t to take a stand on tell4 #ng the truth. In %act you can start there. Ad!#t #t. *ell (eo(le. Ad!#t your co'ard#ce,your un'#ll#ngness to tell the truth #% anyth#ng that you /udge to be s#gn#%#cant #s at stake. ;ou l#e l#ke hell 'hen you are scared and you are scared 'heneer you are angry. Ad!#t #t. It+s a start. Gu#del#nes %or E3(ress#ng Anger $ust #n case you dec#de to gro' beyond be#ng nor!al here are so!e gu#del#nes %or you to %ollo' #n e3(ress#ng an4 ger. Read#ng these gu#del#nes '#ll do you no good #% you are un'#ll#ng to e3(er#!ent '#th th#s a((roach to see 'hat '#ll ha((en. *h#s a((roach does not "!ake sense." It 'orks e34 (er#ent#ally. *hat #s #% you try #t to see 'hat #t %eels l#ke you !ay get the e3(er#ence o% %org##ng the (erson you 'ere !ad at. ;ou !ay hae to e3(er#!ent '#th #t seeral t#!es be %ore you get used to the (rocess. It does 'ork een though #t !ay not !ake sense. *hese gu#del#nes are not !oral rules to be !e!or#5ed and obeyed. *hey are rules o% thu!b. *he (ur(ose o% these gu#del#nes #s to d#rect your attent#on to the (rocess o% learn4 #ng ho' to e3(ress yoursel% #n the !o!ent so that so!eth#ng ha((ens+ to actual %eel#ngs #n your body at the leel o% sensa4 t#on. So!eth#ng '#ll ha((en because o% your '#ll#ngness to (ay attent#on to your e3(er#ence. *hese gu#del#nes '#ll !ake you a'are o% your !o!ent4to4!o!ent e3(er#ence o% anger or o% a((rec#at#on. *hey are %or you to be able to d#scoer so!eth#ng about the (rocess o% e3(ress#on #tsel%. 79=
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*he rules can be %ollo'ed and st#ll not 'ork #% you are only attend#ng to the rules and not to your e3(er#ence. *he (o#nt #s to be a'are o% your e3(er#ence 'h#le e3(er#!ent#ng not 'hether you are "good" at %ollo'#ng the rules. ;our goal #s to be '#ll#ng and able to ackno'ledge to yoursel% and to re(ort to the (erson '#th 'ho! you are s(eak#ng each ne' e3(er#ence as #t e!erges 'hether or not #t #s co!%ortable. I% you re%use to ?u#t and kee( talk#ng to the (erson you+re #nteract#ng '#th unt#l you feel co!(lete you '#ll eentually be co!(lete '#th h#!. ;ou+ll hae no !ore '#thheld resent!ents or a((rec#at#ons and you+ll be able to e3(er#ence h#! ne'ly as he #s #n that !o!ent. oe #s 'hen you let so!eone be the 'ay she #s. )hen you let u( on your /udg!ents o% so!eone there #s a %ree s(ace #n 'h#ch %org#eness and loe occur. Here are the gu#del#nes@ X !henever $ossible, tal5 facetoface to the $erson with whom you are angry& It #s #!(oss#ble to do any o% th#s 'ork
oer the (hone. *he ?ual#ty o% the #nteract#on #s d#%%erent. ;ou need to look each other #n the eye and react to each other !o!ent4to4!o!ent. Oer the (hone your contact '#th the other (erson #s !uch too l#!#ted and you are relat4 #ng to your conce(t o% h#! not to your e3(er#ence o% h#! as he #s. ;ou '#ll !#ss !any o% h#s nonerbal res(onses. *ake the t#!e to see h#! #n (erson. I% he #s a long d#stance a'ay a (hone call #s better than noth#ng because #t can start the (rocess o% e3(er#enc#ng the %eel#ngs. But don+t engage #n long conersat#ons on the tele(hone. *o do so #s usually a 79
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'aste o% t#!e that #ncreases /udg!ents and d#s(laces %eel#ng. *h#s #s the reerse o% 'hat #s needed 'hen you+re !ad. X ) t a r t y o u r s e n t e n c e s a s o f t e n a s $ o s s i b l e w i t h t h e w o r d s , ul
resent you for & & &; or ;1 a$$reciate you for& . . . " *he structure o% a
sentence that starts '#th those 'ords ensures that the anger or a((rec#at#on #s (ersonal that there #s an "I" and a "thou." "I resent you" has a !uch stronger and !ore (ersonal #!(act than "I resent the %act that . . ." In the latter state!ent you are say#ng that you are angry at so!e "%act." *he sl#ght d#%%erence #n the 'ord#ng !ay see! #ns#gn#%#cant to youJ #t #s not. 2ost (eo(le res#st say#ng "I resent yo u %or . . ." because they don+t 'ant to get "(ersonal." *hey are unco!%ortable 'hen they are d#rectly e3(ress#ng the#r resent!ent to so!eone. )h#le #t #s !ore co!%ortable to be less d#rect and say "I resent #t 'hen . . . " #t 'on+t 'ork. ;ou 'on+t be able to co!(letely e3(er#ence your resent!ent and hae #t d#sa((ear unless you are '#ll#ng to tell the truth. ;ou resent (eo(le not %acts or ague "#ts." &e#ther '#ll #t 'ork to subst#tute so!e4 th#ng !#lder %or the 'ord "resent." "I a! annoyed at you %or . . ." and "I a! angry '#th you about . . ." are #ntro4 duct#ons to a story about anger. *hose (hrases deal !ore '#th a general descr#(t#on o% a state o% be#ng than '#th the active e3(ress#on o% anger. "I resent you" #s d#%%erent #n that #t #s act#e and trans#t#e so!eth#ng you are %eel#ng to'ard an4 other (erson #n the (resent !o!ent o% s(eak#ng 'h#le the (erson #s there. I% do#ng th#s !akes you unco!%ortable %#ne. I% you e3(ect to handle your resent!ent '#thout d#sco!%ort g#en ho' you 'ere ra#sed you can %orget #t. 2ake yoursel% unco!%ortable on (ur(ose. Act#ng accord#ng to 'hat %eels 79
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co!%ortable 'hen you are atte!(t#ng to get oer anger #s a !#stake. It+s l#ke dr#nk#ng Pe(to4B#s!ol to kee( %ro! o!#t4 #ng stay#ng s#ck %or three hours and then (uk#ng your guts u( any'ay. A lot o% (eo(le are also unco!%ortable e3(ress#ng d#rect a((rec#at#on and hae as !uch d#%%#culty ad!#tt#ng 'ar!th as anger. A((rec#at#ons o%ten e!erge r#ght #n the *iddle o% e3(ress#ng resent!ent. A((rec#at#ons are to be handled #n the sa!e 'ay and gotten oer #n the sa!e 'ay. *ry#ng to hold on to a((rec#at#on 'orks /ust as (oorly as try#ng to ao#d resent!ent. &e' a((rec#at#on %or a (erson can only e!erge #n a clear#ng created by co!(let#ng the e3(er#ence o% (ast a((rec#at#ons and resent!ents. X )$ea5 in the $resent tense& $ust because you are talk#ng about so!eth#ng he d#d #n the (ast don+t say "I resented you." ;ou st#ll resent that (erson r#ght no' %or 'hat he d#d or sa#d #n the (ast so state #t #n the (resent tense. In the (ast tense resent!ents are only descr#(t#ons or stor#es about 'hat ha((ened or ho' you 'ere. *hey 'on+t change the nature o% your relat#onsh#(,o% ho' you are no'. )hen resent4 !ents are stated #n the (resent tense you get the chance to %eel angry aga#n and to e3(er#ence the anger. )hen you can e3(er#ence the %eel#ng #t d#sa((ears. As I hae sa#d oer and oer 'hen you ao#d the e3(er#ence o% anger #t (ers#sts #n the %or! o% a((arently reasonable thoughts. *he thoughts are (o#sonous and not construct#e. *hey are destruct#e be4 cause they d#stance you %ro! the other (erson. *hey allo' you to ao#d contact '#th the other (erson and your e3(er#4 ence and to !a#nta#n your r#ghteousness rather than e3(ress the anger and get o%% o% your (ose. 79C
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X "ventually, get s$ecific& Een though #t doesn+t al'ays
%eel th#s 'ay you (robably resent the (erson %or 'hat he s(ec#%#cally d#d or sa#d. For e3a!(le #% you say to so!eone "I resent you %or be#ng a snob" or "I resent you %or act#ng snobb#sh to'ard !e" he 'on+t be clear about 'hat yo u resent,although he !ay #!ag#ne he #s clear about #t. He+ll (robably /us t s ay " I+! n ot a snob." ;ou haen+t t old h#! 'hat he actually d#d or sa#d that you resented,'hat led you to the conclus#on that he 'as snobb#sh. ;ou are de!and#ng that the (erson "buy #n" to your /udg!ent o% h#!. ;o u !#ght beg#n by e3(ress#ng a /udg!ent but you !ust eentu ally get s(ec#%#c. I% you haen+t gotten do'n to the s(ec#%#cs yet you aren+t %#n#shed. ook closer #nto 'hat the (er son actually d#d that !ade you conclude that he 'as snobb#sh and say that. In th#s e3a!(le the real resent!ent !#ght be e3(ressed by "I resent you %or turn#ng your head and not ans'er#ng !e 'hen I sa#d +H#+ to you at the grocery store." Or "I resent you %or say#ng +only h#cks l#ke country !us#c+ the other day." X *on
udgments& )hen you thro' #n the 'ords "al'ays" or "neer" the (erson 'on+t get 'hat you+re talk#ng about
and you 'on+t get oer the resent!ent. He doesn+t hae to get #t. It #sn+t true. He hears only that you+re try#ng to !ake h#! 'rong. "I resent you %or constantly co!(la#n#ng" #sn+t s(e c#%#c. Re(ort the s(ec#%#c #nc#dent-s that you re!e!ber@ "I resent you %or say#ng I bought the 'rong grocer#es last *hursday and I resent you %or say#ng +I guess I+ll have to buy grocer#es+ yesterday." S#!#larly "I resent you %or neer a( (rec#at#ng !e" or "I resent you %or not be#ng ro!ant#c" are
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both too ague and too global to be gotten oer. Re!e!ber you are do#ng th#s to get oer your grudge rather than to (ro#de a case aga#nst your ene!y. *h#s resent!ent !ust be e3(ressed !ore s(ec#%#cally such as "I resent you %or gett#ng drunk and %all#ng aslee( on our ann#ersary." 1f yo u ar e to o ma d, at fi rs t, to in te rr u$ t yo ur ow n mi nd by being more s$ecific, go ahead and be general, but do it as loudly as
$ossible& )hat you get %ro! #ntens#ty '#ll co!(ensate #n the beg#nn#ng %or 'hat you lack #n s(ec#%#c#ty. $ust re!e!ber to go back oer the sa!e ground #n a !ore s(ec#%#c 'ay a%ter you blo' out the ents. X 3ocus as much as you can on what did ha$$en instead of what didn
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t#ng Grand!a+s (resent. ;ou resent your s(ouse %or ask#ng you the ?uest#on. )hen you (ursue the e3(er#ence %urther you !ay resent your s(ouse %or tell#ng you to get a (resent #n the %#rst (lace. ;ou !ay resent Grand!a %or ha#ng a b#rth4 day. ;ou !ay resent ha#ng a grand!other ha#ng to buy her a (resent be#ng told to get her a (resent be#ng asked #% you got #t the tone o% o#ce o% the ?uest#oner the look on the %ace o% the ?uest#oner the s!ell #n the roo! 'hen the ?uest#on 'as asked. ;ou !ay resent the clerk at the store 'here you 'ent %or the (resent 'ho sa#d they 'ere out o% Grand!a+s brand. )hat you need to do to tell the truth and hae the resent!ent d#sa((ear #s th#s@ %#rst not#ce the bod#ly sensat#ons assoc#ated '#th 'hat you hae called gu#lt -%eel#ng constr#cted #n your breath#ng co'er#ng %eel#ng tense %ro'n#ng and state your resent!ent clearly. Start '#th "I resent you %or say#ng +D#d you re!e!ber to get so!eth#ng %or Grand!a %or her b#rthday+ + *hen "I resent you %or your #nnocent (hony tone o% o#ce" -abstract. "I resent you %or your tone o% o#ce 'hen you asked !e that ?uest#on" -!ore s(ec#%#c. "I resent you %or look#ng at !e no'." "I resent you %or %ro'n#ng." "I resent you %or !ent#on#ng Grand!a at all." *h#s !ay sound r#d#culous and un%a#r. 0learly your s(ouse #s not at %ault and #s be#ng bla!ed. But note th#s@ the un%a#r bla!#ng #s be#ng done out loud. It #s #n the (ubl#c do!a#n 'here #t can get cleared u( not #n your secret#e !#nd. Peo(le outs#de o% you can be de(ended on to %#ght back and take care o% the!seles. ;ou can de(end on #t. ;ou don+t need to (rotect your s(ouse %ro! your #rrat#onal4 #ty. ;ou '#ll get set stra#ght #n a !#nute. *ry #t. )hat you 'ant #s the %eel#ng o% co!(let#on and 'holeness that co!es 78
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'hen you hae told the truth about your (etty sel%#sh !#nd and ra#sed hell out loud l#ke a %ool. )hat a rel#e%1 ;ou don+t hae to %eel gu#lty no'. ;ou and your s(ouse no' l#e #n a ne' s(ace. ;ou !ay hae so!e '#thheld a((rec#at#on to e3(ress as 'ell. ;ou can a((rec#ate so!eone %or the sa!e th#ng you resented her %or and o%ten do. ;ou and Grand!a can also hae a !ore al#e relat#onsh#( #% you tell each other the truth about your anger and gu#lt and sense o% obl#gat#on. Go see Grand!a and tell her the truth. )hat you (ut out there rel#ees you. )hat you '#thhold '#ll k#ll you. X)tay there with the $erson beyond the time it ta5es to
e%change resentments& I% you are '#ll#ng to state your resent !ents and kee( stat#ng the! as they co!e u( and allo' the other (erson to resent you %or resent#ng h#! eentually you 'on+t hae anyth#ng le%t to resent each other %or. At that (o#nt you+re st#ll n ot %#n#shed. I% you can+t th#nk o% ho' to end the sentence "I a((rec#ate you %or . . . " #t !ay !ean that you are st#ll angry and that you haen+t %#n#shed e3(ress #ng your resent!ents,so kee( go#ng. Don+t rush to %org#e so!eone out o% be#ng unco!%ortable about ha#ng so !any resent!ents. Be honest about 'hether or not you really %eel co!(lete '#th the (erson. Be '#ll#ng to hae #t take as long as #t takes. It (robably 'on+t take as long as you %ear. It '#ll (robably take longer than you l#ke. X fte r you both have fully e%$ressed your s$ecific resent
ments, state your a$$reciation the same way& Say "I
a((rec#ate
you %or . . ." not "I a((rec#ate the %act that. . . ." 6ee( check#ng your body to see ho' you %eel. Are your shoulders tense Do you %eel rela3ed Do you %eel l#ke you 'ant to get
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a'ay %ro! th#s s#tuat#on as soon as (oss#ble I% the latter #s true there #s !ore that you are '#thhold#ng. *ell the truth o% your e3(er#ence een #% #t+s "I st#ll %eel unco!%ortable s#tt#ng here '#th you" or "I a((rec#ate you %or stay#ng here and l#sten#ng to !e." )hen you %eel 'ar!th #n your chest and a s!#le on your %ace e3(ress your a((rec#at#on #n a clear 'ay@ "I a((rec#ate you %or the 'ay you look r#ght no'" or "I a((rec#ate you %or agree#ng to do th#s e3(er#!ent '#th !e." A%ter so!e a((rec#at#ons are e3(ressed so!e !ore resent4 !ents !ay e!erge. I% that ha((ens e3(ress those resent4 !ents and go on. Eentually you '#ll /ust be s#tt#ng #n a roo! look#ng at a (erson. ;ou '#ll see clearer. ;ou '#ll be '#ll#ng to l#e and let l#e. ;ou '#ll be grate%ul to her %or ha#ng stuck '#th you through another %#ght. X 8ee$ it u$& A%ter an e!ot#onal e3change #n 'h#ch t'o (eo(le tell the truth they o%ten retreat #nto su(er%#c#al#ty. Peo(le not#ce that een though they %elt lo#ng and #ns(#red a%ter they talked 'eeks !ay go by be%ore they see each other aga#n. *h#s #s not an acc#dent. A%ter 'e release our '#thheld anger 'e d#scoer our a((rec#at#on. 2ore o%ten than not 'e real#5e that 'e really loe th#s (erson. Peo(le are scared oC %eel#ng anger but they are terr#%#ed o% e3(er#enc#ng loe. It+s no 'onder that 'hen an authent#c e3change occurs the ne3t t#!e the t'o (eo(le !eet they '#ll talk about anyth#ng but the#r real %eel#ngs. One !ay say as an as#de ";ou kno' I +! so glad 'e had that talk last t#!e. It !eant so !uch to !e." *hen they+ll s'#tch the sub/ect to so!eth#ng tr##al. Once you hae broken through to another (erson by tell#ng the truth you hae an #ncred#ble o((ortun#ty to hae a real al#e 789
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relat#onsh#(. *he t'o o% you can su((ort each other to con4 t#nue to tell the truth. It takes (ract#ce. ;ou '#ll tend to '#thhold your %eel#ngs on later occas#ons because you hae (ract#ced that %or years but you can al'ays clean #t u( '#th the (erson as soon as you real#5e that you are '#thhold#ng. E3erc#ses A)ain *he ste(s to d#!#n#sh both the a!ount o% anger you hae and the degree to 'h#ch that anger runs your l#%e are these@ =& trans%or! your relat#onsh#( to anger by agree!entJ and ?& change your e3(er#ence o% anger through a'areness. A'areness #s 'hat causes change not a !oral resole to be better. A l#ttle earl#er #n th#s cha(ter I gae you so!e e3erc#ses and you (robably ch#ckened out. Here #s another chance. *hese e3erc#ses are /ust suggest#ons. ;ou don+t hae to do the! and they !ay be use%ul /ust at certa#n t#!es 'hen you are stuck '#th ho' to get oer your anger. A)#ee*en% %o E9,e#i*en% 4i%h An)e# Get '#th so!e %r#ends or your s(ouse and !e!bers o% your %a!#ly old enough to read th#s cha(ter. Read th#s cha(4
ter. 2eet a%ter'ard and !ake an agree!ent to e3(er#!ent %or ten days '#th tell#ng the truth about your resent!ents to each other as a !ethod o% su((ort %or each other. Agree that %or ten days all resent!ents !ay leg#t#!ately be e3(ressed. *hat doesn+t !ean they all hae to be acted on. For e3a!(le #% one o% you says "I resent you %or (ark#ng #n %ront o% the dr#e'ay and I de!and that you !oe your car" the o%4 %ender doesn+t hae to !oe the car. All he has to do #s hear 788
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the resent!ent. )hen the go#ng gets rough #% #t does kee( #n !#nd that the e3erc#se #s to go on %or ten days. Ha(e a Con(e#$a%ion in a /#o, Abo% An)e#
Get a grou( o% %r#ends together and start an ongo#ng grou( to su((ort each other %or a 'h#le #n learn#ng about ho' to handle anger. Start by ask#ng the! to read th#s cha(4 ter and talk about #t #n the grou(. A$; fo# Hel, f#o* +#iend$ I% you are stuck at not be#ng able to !ake the arrange4
!ents to !eet so!eone to e3(ress and get oer your anger because you are too co'ardly or the (erson 'on+t !eet '#th you or #% you get stuck dur#ng the !eet#ng ask a th#rd (arty #n. Get a !utual %r#end to !ed#ate. Ask both o% your %r#ends the one you resent and the one you asked to hel( to read th#s cha(ter. +#%he# E9e#ci$e$ For %urther e3erc#ses read $ohn O. Steens+ book wareness: "%$loring, "%$erimenting, "%$eriencing ? , (art#cularly
the three e3erc#ses ent#tled uilt, Resentment, and *emand& /il%
*hose s#tuat#ons #n all o% our l#es 'here 'e %eel that terr#ble %eel#ng o% ha#ng done so!eth#ng bad and been caught o% ha#ng !ade a real !#stake and %eel#ng bad about #t don+t see! to be related to anger at all. ;ou /ust %eel bad.. )hen you %eel your 'ay through the e3(er#ence by %ac#ng #t 78=
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anger '#ll sho' u( and your (o'er to get oer the gu#lt co!es %ro! %ac#ng eery deta#l and eery #!ag#ned catastro4 (he. Anger sho's u( 'hen you e3a!#ne your gu#lt %eel#ngly because gu#lt 'hen #t 'as %#rst learned ca!e %ro! #nstances o% 'hat Fr#t5 Perls called "(ro/ected resent!ent." )hen you 'ere a ch#ld you 'ere (o'erless and you so!et#!es got !ad at the adults 'ho !ade you do so!e th#ngs and 'ouldn+t let you do other th#ngs. )hen you 'ere !ad at the! and you !ade a !#stake you kne' they 'ould get you %or you %elt ery bad. I% you 'ere !ad at the b#g (erson 'ho 'as go#ng to be !ad at you and you had to deny your anger or else !ake th#ngs een 'orse you %elt een gu#lt#er. ;ou #!ag#ned they 'ould be ery !ad at you based on deny#ng that you 'ere !ad at the! and as an atte!(t to kee( the! %ro! (un#sh#ng you too bad you (un#shed yoursel%. I% you 'ere hard enough on yoursel% you !#ght hae esca(ed so!e o% the#r 'rath and #% you learned to control your terr#ble sel% so your anger to'ard the! d#dn+t sho' you !#ght l#ke'#se hae ao#ded the#r 'rath. Better to be (un#shed by yoursel% than by the!. So 'hen you %eel gu#lty check to see #% so!e o% the anger you #!ag#ne on the (art o% the o%%ended (arty #s #n %act your anger to'ard the!. 2#stakes are o%ten !ade #n the %#rst (lace out o% anger. Peo(le 'ho are (erenn#al %uck4u(s are usually angry (eo(le.
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'edi%a%ion I% you are '#ll#ng to con%ront your anger #n all the 'ays
I hae d#scussed and #% you are not us#ng !ed#tat#on to ao#d ackno'ledg#ng and e3(ress#ng anger then !ed#tat#on 'orks. 2ed#tat#on can #ncrease your sat#s%act#on and decrease your anger. I% you 'ant your anger to decrease not#ceably #n a relat#ely short t#!e and #% you are '#ll#ng to do all o% 'hat I hae d#scussed so %ar !ed#tate regularly. ;ou '#ll gradually beco!e not#ceably less angry as 'ho you cons#der yoursel% to be changes to #nclude your e3(er#ence o% /ust s#tt#ng ?u#etly. ;ou '#ll beco!e !ore %a!#l#ar '#th yoursel% as the noticer& ;ou '#ll gradually beco!e less attached to yoursel% as a (er4 sonal#ty. I reco!!end *ranscendental 2ed#tat#on. *2 #n4 structors are great at teach#ng !ed#tat#on. -Don+t take any o% the#r ad#ce about anger. Re#e' and S**a#y *hese e3erc#ses and gu#del#nes %or e3(ress#ng resent!ent and a((rec#at#on are %or your use #n d#scoer#ng ho' to let the e3(er#ence o% anger 'ork #tsel% out. *hese rules o% thu!b are suggested as subst#tutes %or your usual !ethods o% controll#ng anger. *hey are #ntended to ass#st you to e3(er#4 ence your anger !ore #ntensely and (ubl#cly so you '#ll hae a better chance o% gett#ng oer be#ng angry. ;ou !ay get angry at !e because a%ter %ollo'#ng the gu#del#nes you '#ll %eel l#ke you are !ore angry than you used to be. )hen th#s occurs cons#der the (oss#b#l#ty that you are not angr#er but are s#!(ly e3(er#enc#ng anger !ore. *hen see %or yoursel% #% you get a result that 'orks better than your %or!er !ethods o% control. I% not you don+t get your !oney back.
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Here #s a ?u#ck re#e' o% the rules o% thu!b about anger@ X)heneer
(oss#ble talk %ace4to4%ace to the (erson '#th 'ho! you are angry. XStart your sentences as o%ten as (oss#ble '#th the 'ords "I resent you %or . . ." or "I a((rec#ate you %or. . . ." XS(eak #n the (resent tense. XEentually get s(ec#%#c. XDon+t sto( '#th general descr#(t#ons o% beha#or or general /udg!ents. XFocus as !uch as you can on 'hat d#d ha((en #nstead o% 'hat d#dn+t ha((en. XStay #n touch '#th your e3(er#ence as you talk. XStay there '#th the (erson beyond the t#!e #t takes to e3change resent!ents. XA%ter you both hae %ully e3(ressed your s(ec#%#c re sent!ents state your a((rec#at#ons the sa!e 'ay. X6ee( #t u(. "hy Do All o% *h#s Be#ng honest about anger (uts you on the road back
ho!e to be#ng al#e l#ke you 'ere as a ch#ld #nstead o% !#nd4 deadened by 'hat you hae learned to l#e about. *ell#ng the truth about your anger #s a 'ay to get back to your e3(er#4 ence o% be#ng 'here you loe yoursel% and there%ore hae so!eth#ng le%t oer '#th 'h#ch to loe so!eone else. Re4 eal#ng the '#thheld /udg!ents and %eel#ngs you hae h#d4 den out o% (ol#teness and your (rotect#on racket #s the d#%4 78C
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%erence bet'een a l#%e l#ed #n hate and a l#%e l#ed #n loe. 0o!#ng %orth '#th your anger '#ll g#e you your l#%e back. It #s a 'ay to %eel co!(lete and not be #n need o% so!eone else to !ake you be 'hole. It #s one o% the 'ays back to the (ath o% the "l#ght that enl#ghtens the l#ght" that l#ght o% be#ng that %#rst cl#cked on #n the 'o!b and 'h#ch st#ll #s hu!!#ng r#ght along no' een as 'e s(eak. *hat #s one reason. Here #s one !ore. *he sur#al o% hu!ank#nd de(ends on #t.
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here #s so!eth#ng lost and so!eth#ng ga#ned #n cou(l#ng u(. ;ou g#e a'ay a lot o% (o'er and %reedo! 'hen you get #n a relat#onsh#(. I had a %e' t#!es bet'een !arr#ages 'hen I could do any godda!ned th#ng I 'anted to '#thout ha#ng to account to so!e 'o!an %or #t. Eery t# !e a%te r a 'h #le I traded !y %reedo! #n %or the greater act o% creat#on and the other %or! o% %reedo! o% a co!!#tted relat#onsh#(. I a! greatly (re/ud#ced #n the d#rect#on o% the bene%#ts o% a co!!#tted relat#onsh#( e3ceed#ng the de%#c#ts (artly be4 cause I don+t th#nk you can beat lo#ng and be#ng loed by a ch#ld,een though 'hen you hae ch#ldren your ent#re l#%e gets organ#5ed around the! and l#!#ted %or a lot o% years. *here are also great adantages #n shar#ng the 'ork o% sur4 #al '#th another (erson. 7=7
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I hae been !arr#ed %our t#!es. *he !ost recent no' that I a! older and hae learned !ore has been the !ost success%ul. 2y current '#%e A!y and I hae been together %or n#neteen years. *hrough the generos#ty o% her o(en#ng to !e oer and oer aga#n I hae been learn#ng to (ract#ce 'hat I (reach. Her un'#ll#ngness to be any category I hae %or her and her '#ll#ngness to engage '#th !e #n the "Great 0on4 ersat#on" her l#sten#ng to 'hat I say and hear#ng #t so!e4 t#!es clearer than ho' I s(eak #t and her acts o% co4creat#on '#th !e hae hel(ed !e stay a'ake and al#e. Our con4 sc#ous co!!#tted #nterest #n the Great 0onersat#on the three4thousand4year4old ongo#ng d#alogue o% )estern 0##l#4 5at#on #s a #tal background o% our relat#onsh#( to each other. A second #tal background #s our de(endable !utual co!!#t!ent to tell#ng the truth. )e are not '#ll#ng to k#ss anybody+s ass by ly#ng to the! #nclud#ng each others+. *h#s relat#onsh#( '#th A!y has been a oluntary #!4 (r#son!ent #n gro'#ng. *he best th#ngs 'e hae done to4 gether l#ke ha#ng our ch#ldren 0arson and El#/ah and hel(#ng ra#se !y daughter Shant# and !y son A!os %ro! ch#ldhood to adolescence and ra#s#ng !y t'o ne(he's Meke and 0asey and !a#nta#n#ng a house and budget and /obs to (ay %or the! and bu#ld#ng a house 'here 'e no' l#e #n the !ounta#ns and a %e' other th#ngs are th#ngs I couldn+t hae done '#thout her. She couldn+t hae done these th#ngs '#th4 out !e e#ther. Each o% us #s a (o'er%ul (erson #n our o'n r#ght because o% our se(arate co!!#t!ents to learn#ng tra#n4 #ng gro'#ng and creat#ng our l#es because o% ha#ng each other to learn %ro! and because o% a lot o% other cou(les %ro! 'ho! 'e hae both learned.
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)e hae (art#c#(ated #n a lot o% tra#n#ngs together and conducted a lot o% cou(les grou(s and tra#n#ngs ourseles. I don+t kno' ho' other %olks 'ho don+t do th#s k#nd o% 'ork on the!seles can stand stay#ng together. Actually I do kno' ho' they do #t and so!et#!es #t+s not a (retty s#ght. A!y and I l#ed together %or s#3 years be%ore 'e got !arr#ed and no' 'e hae been !arr#ed %or th#rteen years. Gett#ng along together has not all been rosy. )e got !ad and s(l#t u( a %e' t#!es but the se(arat#ons neer lasted !ore than a %e' days. ##ng together #n close (ro3#!#ty #s one o% the toughest th#ngs hu!an be#ngs can do. Oer hal% o% the !arr#ages #n th#s country end #n d#orce. O% the re!a#n#ng 9Q or so I #!ag#ne at least hal% are angry co4de(endent dead un#ons based on %ear lethargy and sha!e. *hese (eo(le l#e to4 gether #n a k#nd o% ar#able %or! o% ongo#ng (a#n so!e'here bet'een d#orce and the e!ergency roo!. O% the 8Q re!a#n#ng !y guess #s that !aybe hal% are (ass#e #ntellectual s(ace4cadet co!(ro!#ses o% the sort that !ake u( your standard !#ddle class sur#al syste!@ the so4 c#ally acce(table dys%unct#onal %a!#ly. It see!s a l#ttle e3tra4 agant to say that 7+Q o% the cou(les that (a#r u( hae good al#e #nt#!ate honest %unct#onal relat#onsh#(s but 'hat the hell I+! %eel#ng generous. *h#s cheery #n%or!at#on #s not based on sc#ence but #s #n%or!ed s(eculat#on on !y (art. Regardless o% the accuracy o% !y est#!ates on ho' !any relat#onsh#(s are success%ul I can !ake a %e' reco!4 !endat#ons and g#e e3a!(les o% 'hat can hel(.
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Po'er%ul Relat#onsh#(s In (o'er%ul relat#onsh#(s our nature as hu!an be#ngs #s reealed to us. *he %unda!ental 'ay 'e co!e to kno' 'ho 'e are #s #n relat#onsh#(s. 2art#n Buber has the %ollo'#ng to say about our nature as hu!an be#ngs@ *he 'orld #s t'o%old %or !an #n accordance '#th h#s t'o%old att#tude. *he att#tude o% !an #s t'o%old #n accordance '#th the t'o bas#c 'ords he can s(eak. *he bas#c 'ords are not s#ngle 'ords but 'ord (a#rs. One bas#c 'ord #s the 'ord (a#r I4;ou. *he other bas#c 'ord #s the 'ord (a#r I,ItJ but th#s bas#c 'ord #s not changed 'hen He or She takes the (lace o% It. *hus the I o% !an #s also t'o%old. For the I o% the bas#c 'ord I4;ou #s d#%%erent %ro! that #n the bas#c 'ord I,It. Bas#c 'ords do not state so!eth#ng that !#ght e34 #st outs#de the!J by be#ng s(oken they establ#sh a !ode o% e3#stence. Bas#c 'ords are s(oken '#th one+s be#ng. X )hen one says ;ou the I o% the 'ord (a#r I4;ou #s sa#d too. )hen one says It the I o% the 'ord (a#r I,It #s sa#d too. *he bas#c 'ord I4;ou can only be s(oken '#th one+s 'hole be#ng. 7=9
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*he bas#c 'ord I,It can neer be s(oken '#th one+s 'hole be#ng.7 )hen you use the 'ord "I" to re%er to yoursel% you are re%err#ng e#ther to yoursel% as de%#ned by relat#on to an It or yoursel% as de%#ned by relat#ng to a ;ou. "I" doesn+t al'ays !ean the sa!e th#ng. So!et#!es "I" re%ers to one sel% and so!et#!es "I" re%ers to another ent#rely d#%%erent sel%. )hen you are a be#ng stand#ng be%ore another be#ng you are a d#%%erent be#ng than 'hen you are a be#ng stand#ng be%ore an #t an #dea or a th#ng that #s not a be#ng. )e are all #n the hab#t o% us#ng the 'ord "I" as though #t al'ays !eans the sa!e th#ng or (o#nts to the sa!e re%erent. Ask yoursel% 'hen you are talk#ng to your (artner "A! I relat#ng to a Be#ng or to a category" )h#ch 'ould you rather be a (erson relat#ng to a be#ng '#th P2S or a (erson relat#ng to P2S )ould you rather relate to a be#ng 'ho #s sl#ghtly #nebr#ated or to a godda!ned drunk you kno' o% old )ho are you be#ng 'hat k#nd o% (erson are you be#ng ho' are you d#%%erent one t#!e than you are at another )hen 'e Gestalt thera(#sts reco!!end that you use the (hrase "I resent ;ou %or1" or "I a((rec#ate ;ou %or1" 'e are not as du!b as 'e sound. *he assert#on "I resent ;ou %or1" #s a state!ent o% a %eel#ng e3(ressed by one be#ng re4 lated to another be#ng. Because the be#ng #s (resent to and '#ll#ng to e3(er#ence the %eel#ng #n the (resence o% the other there #s a chance that the e3(er#ence not su((ressed but e3(ressed can co!e and go. In #ts (lace #s a ne' o(en#ng to the other. #ke'#se 'hen "I a((rec#ate ;ou1" #s e3(ressed the %eel#ng o% a((rec#at#on can co!e and go lea#ng a ne' 7=8
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o(en#ng %or loe that #s !uch dee(er than the bullsh#t ro4 !ant#c#s! that (asses %or loe on soa( o(eras. )hen "I4;ou" #s s(oken '#th an act#e trans#t#e (resent tense erb -resent a((rec#ate bet'een the I and the ;ou denot#ng a (resent %eel#ng the !o!ent+s truth #s s(oken #n #ts ent#rety. *hen the truth changes. !hen the truth changes from your s$ea5ing, you 5now you
So at any g#en t#!e 'hen t'o (eo(le are relat#ng %or each o% the! there are t'o (oss#ble k#nds o% "I and t'o (oss#ble k#nds o% ";ou+s" na!ely@ "I4;ou" I "I4It" I and "I4 ;ou" you and "I4It" you. )hen "I4;ou" I s(eaks to "I4 ;ou" you 'e both are on the sa!e (age and co!!un#cat#on occurs. )hen "I4;ou" I s(eaks to "I4It" you 'e aren+t on the sa!e (age but there #s a chance %or a breakthrough %or you to the 'orld o% be#ng %ro! the 'orld o% categor#5at#on i&e&, a chance %or del#erance %ro! your !#nd. )hen "I4It" I s(eaks to "I4;ou" you there #s a chance %or a breakthrough to the 'orld o% be#ng %or !e. )hen "I4It" I s(eaks to "I4It" you 'e are on the sa!e (age and 'e are #n an #nter!#nable %uck#ng %#ght. *he (roble! '#th all o% th#s #s 'hen 'e are !ad at so!eone the %#rst th#ng 'e 'ant to do to (un#sh h#! #s to cut h#! o%% by turn#ng h#! #nto a category 'h#ch then g#es us a chance to hae an orgas! o% r#ghteous #nd#gnat#on. *h#s #s %a#rly grat#%y#ng but leaes you hungry and e!(ty #n a strange 'ay. ;ou get a h#t o% r#ghteous energy but you do not hae a (o'er%ul relat#onsh#(. Ho'eer #% you are co!4 !#tted to the red#scoery o% be#ng #n your (artner and your4 sel% there #s a (retty good chance you can hae a (o'er%ul lo#ng relat#onsh#( 'here %org#eness and rene'al occur oer 7==
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I
;O
I4;ou 4T > I4It
I4;ou
I4It
lean relate to you as a thing or a being
and oer aga#n and you %eel %ull. Once you both get a taste o% t h#s you 'on+t 'ant to ?u#t. 0ou(les 'ho co!e to see !e #n thera(y are usually (#ssed o%% at each other and out %or reenge both (r#!ar#ly look#ng %or a thera(#st to su((ort the! #n !ak#ng the#r (art4 ner 'rong. *hey are t'o "I4It+s" #n an #nter!#nable %#ght. Each one o% the! usually says #n one %or! or another (o#nt#ng to h#s or her (artner "*ell It to leae !e alone." A Chec;li$% fo# In%i*acy If you are #n a cou(le and you are read#ng th#s cha(ter
'#th an eye to ha#ng #t hel( you hae a better relat#onsh#( '#th your !ate God bless you I ho(e th#s 'orks. I% you are '#ll#ng to r#sk and 'ant to gro' together start by us#ng the %ollo'#ng checkl#st %or #nt#!acy and #% you haen+t done a (art#cular #te! on the l#st '#th your !ate do #t. 7.*ell each other your ent#re l#%e story tak#ng about < hours each. .*ell each other your co!(lete se3ual h#story #nclud #ng ho' !any (eo(le you hae had se3 '#th 'hat 7=
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gender they 'ere and the deta#ls o% 'hat you d#d '#th the!. <.2asturbate
to orgas! #n %ront o% each other '#th no
ass#stance %ro! each other. 9.*ell
each other o% any a%%a#rs near4a%%a#rs neck#ng
arousal daydrea! or %l#rtat#on you hae engaged #n s#nce you hae kno'n each other. 8.*ake
turns '#th a hal%4hour !onologue #n 'h#ch
one o% you agrees to be s#lent %or <: !#nutes 'h#le the other s(eaks. *ell your (artner eeryth#ng you resent the! %or and eeryth#ng you a((rec#ate the! %or. A%ter you hae both taken a turn talk about the t'o !onologues %or at least a hal% an hour. )h#cheer o% the aboe you haen+t done that you least 'ant to do do %#rst '#th one e3ce(t#on@ the last reco!!en4 dat#on tak#ng turns at !onologues o% a((rec#at#on and resent!ent should be done last a%ter all the others are co!4 (lete. )hen you do th#s e3erc#se re%er to the (re#ous cha(4 ter HO) *O DEA )I*H A&GER because you '#ll hae to 'ork out a 'ay to handle anger to !ake your rela4 t#onsh#( 'ork %or both o% you. Anger '#ll co!e u( and !ust be handled #% you are to !ake #t as a gro'#ng cou(le. Anger #s neer (er!anently handled. I% #t #sn+t stock(#led you hae handled #t the best #t can be handled. I% you 'ork through 'hat has been (re#ously h#dden or '#thheld and any a((re4 c#at#on or resent!ent assoc#ated '#th #t so that you %org#e each other you hae a ne' beg#nn#ng. &e' beg#nn#ngs are the secret to success #n co!!#tted relat#onsh#(s. 7=
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*ell#ng the *ruth About Se3 I a! st#ll a!a5ed at ho' nor!ally #ntell#gent (eo(le 'ho hae been l##ng together or !arr#ed and ha#ng se3 %or years st#ll can+t talk to each other about se3. 2ost cou(les haen+t told each other about the#r se3ual history, !uch less the#r current se3ual #nole!ents. Accord#ng to a recent sur4 ey by $a!es Patterson and Peter 6#! re(orted #n the#r book The *ay merica Told the Truth ? , <8Q o% !arr#ed (eo(le are
ha#ng an a%%a#r and kee(#ng #t secret %ro! the#r s(ouses. *here are three areas o% conersat#on about se37 se3ual h#story se3 '#th each other and current se3ual act##t#es or #nterests other than the (artner. It #s #!(ortant to coer all o% these bases. It #s een !ore #!(ortant to s(eak at a descr#(4 t#e leel o% conersat#on rather than an abstract leel. )hether you are talk#ng about the (ast or a recent #nole4 !ent be gra(h#c about 'hat ha((ened. Don+t /ust say "I 'ent to bed '#th 2arthaJ" say@ "2artha and I s(ent all o% Fr#day n#ght #n bed. )e !ade loe three t#!es. She gae !e a blo' /ob. I 'ent do'n on her and she ca!e. )e g#ggled and drank '#ne and talked. )e cuddled a lot and 'e had a great t#!e. )e really loed each other." A%ter such a re(ort ans'er any ?uest#ons your !ate has about 'hat 'ent on and 'hat you %elt and 'hat the other (erson sa#d or d#d. Any4 th#ng less than %ull d#sclosure #s '#thhold#ng o% the k#nd that creates al#enat#on. *here #s no such th#ng as "none o% your bus#ness" #n an #nt#!ate relat#onsh#(. Se3ual H#story Start out by tell#ng your se3ual h#story #n deta#l '#th regard to 'hat ha((ened and 'hat you %elt (hys#cally and 7=C
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e!ot#onally. *ell about 'hat age you 'ere 'hen you %#rst had se3 'hat you thought about se3 ho' #t %elt and ho' you %elt about #t ho' #t %elt 'hen you %#rst had an orgas! 'hen you %#rst !asturbated on (ur(ose 'hen you %#rst had se3 '#th any other be#ng. *ell all your techn#?ues %antas#es and !ethods o% seduct#on. S(eak at a descr#(t#e leel and go back through the e3(er#ences by rel##ng the! as you tell the! so !ore deta#l e!erges. Se9 4i%h Each O%he# De!onstrate 'hateer (leases you that you hae the
(o'er to de!onstrate. *ouch yoursel% #n the 'ays you l#ke to be touched and descr#be 'hat you are do#ng 'h#le you do #t. Hae your (artner (ract#ce touch#ng you #n the 'ays you l#ke and say 'hat you don+t l#ke. It #s your res(ons#b#l#ty to tra#n your (artner to (lease you. *h#s #s s#!(ly a !atter o% an adult hu!an be#ng tak#ng good care o% h#!sel% or hersel%. I %re?uently (rescr#be the e3erc#se #ncluded #n the (re#ous l#st o% !asturbat#ng to orgas! #n %ront o% each other '#th no ass#stance %ro! each other. *h#s e3erc#se #s use%ul #n seeral 'ays. &ot only do (eo(le get a chance to de!onstrate be#ng (leased se3ually and ho' they do #t %or the!seles they also de!onstrate %or the bene%#t o% the#r (artner the#r ca(ab#l#ty to (lease the!seles '#thout hel(. *hat rel#ees a sense o% obl#gat#on %or tak#ng care o% each other se3ually and o(ens u( an area o% (er!#ss#on to (lay. As #n other areas o% l#%e 'hen (eo(le don+t %eel l#ke they have to (er%or! they are %ree to (er%or!. *here #s no reason 'hy both (eo(le #n a (artner4 sh#( can+t hae orgas!s eery t#!e they hae se3. I% one (artner takes longer to co!e than another #nstead o% ha#ng 7:
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an argu!ent about 'ho co!es too early and 'ho co!es too late get a #brator or so!e (ornogra(h#c books or ta(es and 'ork on a 'ay o% both co!#ng each t#!e 'hether s#!ultane4 ously or not. )hen you don+t say and do 'hat you 'ant don+t bla!e your (artner. Se3 4i%h O%he# Peo,le *ell your (artner about (eo(le that sho' u( #n your l#%e that you get the hots %or. Share %antas#es out loud about se3 '#th these (eo(le. ;ou can share your turn4ons to other (eo(le '#th each other and hae a lot o% %un 4i%h #t. ;ou can do th#s 'hether you actually hae se3 '#th other (eo(le or not. I% you do hae se3 '#th other (eo(le together or se(a4 rately be sure to tell each other 'hat #t 'as l#ke %or you and ho' you %elt and %eel about the other (erson. Be sure th#s descr#(t#on #s #n great deta#l and re!a#ns current. !hether you are monogamous or $olygamous is not the most critical factor in having a successful cou$le& !hether or not you tell the truth is&
)hateer your agree!ents about 'ho or 'hen you can %uck tell the truth about 'ho you do #t '#th 'ho you 'ant to do #t '#th and ho' #t #s 'hen you do #t '#th the! or daydrea! about #t. *he !ore unco!(ro!#s#ng you are about shar#ng as a stand 'hether #t shocks or hurts or o%%ends your (artner or not the better chance you hae %or a ( o'er%ul relat#onsh#(. Ho4 Rela%ion$hi,$ De(elo, f#o* In%i*acy %o Ha%#ed I 'ork '#th s#ngle (eo(le 'ho hae been try#ng to %#nd
a !ate %or years and 'ho 'ant !y coach#ng so they can get !arr#ed. I end u( go#ng to a nu!ber o% 'edd#ngs eery year 77
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and hel( conduct so!e o% the!. I talk about the %ollo'#ng d#st#nct#ons@ . 1ntimacy is not the same thing as romance&
Be#ng "#n oe" at the beg#nn#ng o% a relat#onsh#( #s 'onder%ul. I th#nk #t #s the result o% us gett#ng #n touch '#th be#ng through another (erson. )hen you %all #n loe and get #n that bl#ss%ul state you /ust loe be#ng your be#ng and the be#ng o% the beloed and the be#ng o% all be#ngs #n the 'orld. ;ou are "ho!e" #n that red#scoered sense o% un#ty and bl#ss. As 6r#s 6r#sto%Ferson s#ngs@ She 'asn+t ?u#te as (retty as so!e others I hae kno'n and she 'asn+t good at conersat#on 'hen 'e 'ere alone but she had a 'ay o% !ak #n+ !e bel#ee that I belonged. And #t %elt l#ke co!#n+ ho!e 'hen I loed her. +0ause she br#ghtened u( rny day l#ke the early !orn#n+ sun and she !ade 'hat I 'as do#n+ see! 'orth 'h#le. It+s the closest th#ng to l##n+ that I guess I+e eer kno'n and #t le%t !e %eel#n+ 'ar! 'hen I loed her. <
It #s not the 'ay they look or ho' good they talk that !akes us loe 'ho 'e loe. *he#r ab#l#ty to be '#th us #s !ore (o'er%ul. It #s the#r ab#l#ty to !ake us "bel#ee that 'e be4 long" that "leaes us %eel#n+ 'ar!" that rene's that old s(ark that %#rst ha((ened #n 2o! an etern#ty ago. *oo bad that once 'e are 'ar!ed and beg#n to "be4 l#ee that 'e belong" the %eel#ng beco!es a belief, to be 7
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(resered and guarded and de%ended so the %eel#ng '#ll neer go a'ay. *h#s o% course !akes the %eel#ng go a'ay. )e end u( resent#ng the (erson '#th 'ho! 'e used to be #n loe %or chang#ng. )hen you start e3(ect#ng the other (erson to l#e u( to your e3(ectat#ons based on 'hat you %elt be%ore you are go#ng to get d#sa((o#nted and (#ssed o%%. I% both (eo(le are #n th#s (lace at about the sa!e t#!e a nasty argu!ent ensues. *h#s hurt and anger get %or!ulated #nto bel#e% #nstead o% gotten oer. In a short 'h#le you are tra((ed #n the thought "Ho' could that b#tchbastard be so 'onder%ul and so sh#tty to !e Ho' can shehe be so cruel" &e3t a%ter a %e' o% these argu!ents the t'o (art#es alternate bet'een %eel#ng #nsecure and %eel#ng angry. )hen one gets angry the other gets scared he or she #s about to be abandoned. *h#s alternat#ng (rocess occurs a %e' t#!es. *hen a d#scuss#on l#ke the %ollo'#ng one occurs. -*h#s d#s4 cuss#on occurred recently '#th a cou(le I 'as see#ng. *he %ello' #s #n h#s %#%t#es has been d#orced three t#!es and #s #n a ne' relat#onsh#( '#th one o% !y cl#ents 'ho #s be#ng coached on ha#ng relat#onsh#(s based on tell4 #ng the truth. H#s last loer had 'alked out on h#!J he st#ll "loed" her o% course s#nce she had re/ected h#!. &ostalg#a a !#3ture o% loe and hate %or a !e!ory #s eas#er %or co'ards than real#ty. "I really l#ke you" he sa#d. "*hese s#3 'eeks s#nce 'e !et hae been /ust great. I hae neer told anyone so !uch or had such an honest relat#onsh#(. I thought #n the beg#n4 n#ng there 'ould be all k#nds o% bells and 'h#stles. But there aren+t any bells or 'h#stles or rockets go#ng o%%. I hae dreaded th#s conersat#on %or a %e' days no'. I th#nk you are 173
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!ore #noled '#th !e than I '#th you. I a! not #n loe '#th you. )e hae great se3. )e laugh together all the t#!e. But I+! not +#n loe+ l#ke I hae e3(er#enced be%ore. And s#nce 'e hae been so honest about eeryth#ng else I th#nk 'e hae to be honest about th#s." *he 'o!an 'ho 'as !y cl#ent had a (red#ctable bu#lt4 #n react#on to th#s 'h#ch 'as "Oh sh#t1 Here 'e go aga#n. )hy can+t I eer hae a relat#onsh#( 'ork out $ust 'hen I 'as th#nk#ng about us !o#ng #n together he 'ants to back a'ay. *h#s #s ho' #t al'ays goes. 7 a! neer ?u#te good enough. I a! good but not good enough." As you see the cond#t#on by th#s t#!e had beco!e t'o !#nds relat#ng to each other as Its co!#ng out o% the sa!e !ouths that used to be used by the#r be#ngs %or loe. *hey are both r#ght about each other 'hen they say "you changed" because o% course both ha e changed. In /ust s#3 'eeks they hae changed %ro! be#ngs out o% the#r !#nd '#th loe #nto !#nded be#ngs. Hal% o% these 'onder%ul beg#nn#ngs s(l#t u(. I% they are "l#ke4!#nded" be#ngs they stay together #n boredo! the rest o% the#r l#es. I% they esca(e the#r !#nds+ bel#e%s about each other re(eatedly they hae a success%ul relat#onsh#(. I talked to th#s (art#cular 'o!an alone and then to her loer and her together. I suggested that the 'ay they had been tell#ng the truth to each other #n the beg#nn#ng and een #n the !o!ent o% our s(eak#ng together 'as 'hat a (o'er%ul relat#onsh#( #s !ade o%. I recalled to h#! and to !ysel% ho' badly so!e o% our (re#ous relat#onsh#(s based on ro!ant#c loe had 'orked out. I sa#d "Soa( o(eras are %ull o% (eo(le 'ho are #n loe and start '#thhold#ng %ro! each other. *he nostalg#a %or 'hat used to be co!b#ned 79
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'#th resent!ent and ho(e %or rene'al (roduces 'hat 'e call ro!ant#c loe. Ro!ant#c loe #s h#ghly oerrated. Ro!ant#c loe #s not as strong as a ne' %r#endsh#( based on tell#ng the truth. Ro!ant#c loe #s st#ll %un though not as ro!ant#c '#thout the trag#c oertones o% soa( o(era that co!e %ro! '#thhold#ng and be#ng secret#e. Ro!ant#c loe recurs eery no' and then rather than dy#ng a%ter the honey!oon #s oer #% (eo(le hae o(en4to4each4other relat#onsh#(s. 6ee( 'ork#ng on tell#ng the truth about eeryth#ng that goes on '#th each o% you and you can 'ork your 'ay through to a (o'er%ul relat#onsh#(." *hat 'as !y stand and the (lace I l#stened to the! %ro! and though I d#d !y best and so d#d they they d#dn+t succeed. *hose guys d#dn+t !ake #t. *hey (arted ha#ng learned another #ncre!ent o% #n%or!at#on about relat#onsh#(s but not a su%%#c#ent one to allo' the! to !ake that one 'ork. ?& *es$eration is a terrible basis for union& I% the cou(le I /ust talked about had gotten !arr#ed
'hen they got scared they 'ere about to lose each other and stayed !arr#ed on that bas#s #t 'ould hae been a des(erate un#on. *hat k#nd o% !arr#age sucks. & Loving the holy human $rototy$e is more im$ortant than loving the $ersonality& *he holy hu!an (rototy(e #s the (erson you see 'hen you look #nto so!eone else+s eyes '#thout (re/udg!ent. *he holy hu!an (rototy(e #s l#ke a ch#ld. It #s the not#cer. It #s the be#ng /ust l#ke you /ust across %ro! you. It #s the be#ng 'ho you can tell by /ust look#ng l#ke look#ng #n a !#rror has the 78
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sa!e k#nd o% electr#c c#rcu#try as yoursel%. ;ou can loe that be#ng o% the other as !uch as you loe yoursel%. )hen that be#ng #s a ch#ld you can loe her !ore than yoursel%. Be#ngs do a better /ob o% lo#ng each other than !#nds. Thin)$ Tha% Hel, Co,le$ Ha(e a Po4e#fl Rela%ion$hi, X-om$lete any incom$lete relationshi$s with your $arental
family& Go hae a re eal#ng conersat#on '#th your %ather !other brother s#ster or any #!(ortant earl#er relat#on. *h#s g#es you co!(let#on as 'ell as (ract#ce in rene'al. *h#s along '#th the 'ork suggested at the beg#nn#ng o% th#s cha( ter hel(s you %#n#sh #nco!(lete s#tuat#ons %ro! the (ast so you can beg#n l##ng #n the (resent be#ng (resent to each other and l##ng to'ard the %uture. X-reate together some common cause you are both inter
ested in and committed to accom$lishing& *h#s o(ens
u( the (oss#b#l#ty o% 'ork#ng together #n co!!un#cat#on '#th each other #n agree!ent about 'hat you are both ded#cated to acco!(l#sh#ng. ;ou %eel hel(ed by each other grate%ul to each other '#ll#ng to ackno'ledge each other and ca(able o% br#ng#ng about results #n the 'orld together. Actually cre at#ng so!eth#ng together #s a lot o% %un. Bab#es are %un to create although they are a hell o% a lot o% 'ork %or a long t#!e. 0reat#ng #s a lot !ore %un than b#tch#ng and 'h#n#ng.
X)tay involved with other $eo$le committed to telling the
truth and to something bigger than their own comfort& An
honest relat#onsh#( '#th other cou(les su((orts your cou(le. 0ou (les need another cou(le or t'o %or %r#ends. I% #nt#!acy doesn+t e3tend to %r#ends and e3tended %a!#ly the net'ork
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o% su((ort #s too th#n. I% you hae een one good %r#end to both (eo(le to 'ho! both can talk and 'ho su((orts both #n tell#ng the truth you hae a great resource. X Ma5e re7uests from your mate for what you want but stay willing to ta5e care of yourself ;ou can (ract#ce th#s by (#ck#ng so!eth#ng you usually co!(la#n about your !ate+s not do#ng %or you and then s#t do'n '#th the! and (ract#ce. ;ou say so!eth#ng l#ke th#s@ "I% you 'ant to (lease !e #% you 'ant to kno' 'hat 'ould !ake !e ha((y here #s 'hat I 'ould really l#ke %or you to do@ I% you don+t do thatJ #t+s O.6. I+! a b#g g#rl -boy and I '#ll take care o% #t !ysel%. ;ou are not obl#gated to !ake or kee( !e ha((y or to do 'hat I 4an%= I a! res(ons#ble %or !y o'n ha((#ness. I% I get !ad at you I '#ll handle #t and I+ll get oer #t. I% I get d#sa((o#nted I+ll be res(ons#ble %or !y o'n d#sa((o#nt!ent." )ouldn+t #t be great to be !arr#ed to so!eone 'ho really d#d that *h#s #s a %#ne bas#c sort o% (os#t#on to co!e %ro! to relate to other (eo(le #n general@ here #s 'hat I 'ant but you don+t hae to (ro#de #t %or !e. Yo are #n#ted and re?uested but not obl#gated to take care o% !e. X Ta5e any hel$ you can get& Stay #noled '#th so!e ongo#ng conte3t %or learn#ng and 'ork#ng on co!!un#ca t#on. A!y and I hae rece#ed #naluable su((ort %ro! courses 'e hae taken at and !ark Educat#onal 0or(ora t#on. *here are grou(s o% (eo(le '#ll#ng to contr#bute to other (eo(le eery'here there are (eo(le. *hat #s one %#ne th#ng about 'h#ch 'e current hu!ans should all be ery ha((y. So!e grou(s are better at su((ort#ng (eo(le than 7
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others but the 'orld #s %ull o% (eo(le 'ho '#sh to contr#bute to other (eo(le. Xrow or die& I% you don+t kee( gro'#ng you go dead. X Have a long conversation -so!e t#!e 'hen you are not argu#ng about when you first got together and how your relation shi$ has evolved over time& *alk about t#!es o% /ealousy t#!es o% not !uch o% anyth#ng t#!es o% not !uch se3 t#!es o% se3 that+s not !uch t#!es you ha e 'orked 'ell together. *alk about ho' your !arr#age has been a cauldron. *alk about 'hen you hae !ade the cauldron #nto a %lo'er (ot. Su!!ary )e are back to the beg#nn#ng no'. Back to the beg#n4 n#ng o% th#s book 'here 'e talked about that l#ttle be#ng 'hose l#%e ca!e on #n the 'o!b. Back to that l#ttle be#ng 'e go and d#scoer the source o% loe. Full loe #n orgas! #n slee(#ng together #n cuddl#ng #n cuddl#ng ch#ldren #s a loss o% #dent#ty at a t#!e 'hen you kno' 'ho you are !ore co!(letely than eer. )hen you are lost #n loe your (er4 sonal#ty #s #ncluded #n so!eth#ng b#gger than #tsel% or else #t #s obl#terated. Ho' lucky can you get
7
PS;0HO*HERAP;@ *HE $OR&E; FRO2 2ORAIS2 *O *EI&G *HE *R*H
2
any o% the (eo(le 'ho go to thera(#sts or (hys#c#ans seek#ng rel#e% are t#red. *hey are t#red %ro! ha#ng 'orked out the#r l#es #n such a 'ay that they get 'orn out #nstead o% recharged by l##ng. )hen so!eone l#ke th#s takes res(ons#b#l#ty % or e3erc#se nutr#t#on and rest a nu!ber o % the#r "(sycholog#cal" (roble!s d#sa( (ear. * he hu!an body has a 'onder%ul ca(ac#ty to restore #tsel% #% #t #s g#en a break %ro! abuse and a chance to rest. )ellness #s a natural state o% be#ng %or (eo(le 'ho hae learned ho' to get out o% the#r o'n 'ay. Peo(le+s health #s a result o% !any %actors #nclud#ng the#r genet#c #nher#tance the en#ron!ent #n 'h#ch they l#e the#r l#%estyles and the health care they rece#e. 2uch o% the "health care" #n our culture has been and st#ll #s #llness care a#!ed at restor#ng ab#l#ty to %unct#on once #t has been lost. )e hae all learned that th#s #s not good enough but 'e are st#ll learn#ng ho' to !a#nta#n good health and ( reent d#sease '#thout !oral#s! 7C
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cr#((l#ng the atte!(t. So!et#!es I see (eo(le 'ork#ng out or /ogg#ng '#th e3(ress#ons on the#r %aces that look l#ke the#r !#nds are eat#ng the! al#e at the t#!e. I #!ag#ne the#r su%4 %er#ng %or the sake o% good health #s hard on the#r health. A B#ief Hi$%o#ical No%e )hat 'e cons#der to be a nor!al a!ount o% st#!ulat#on %or an aerage hu!an be#ng #s %ar greater than 'hat 'as
cons#dered nor!al dur#ng all o% (re#ous hu!an h#story. Yu#te recently there has been a change #n the 'ay hu!ans l#e. For the greater (art o% hu!an h#story !ost (eo(le l#ed harder shorter and less hy(erst#!ulated l#es. Although there 'ere e!ot#onal (eaks o% /oy or terror the aerage leel o% st#!ulat#on 'as relat#ely lo'. *here 'as t#!e %or l#%e to (ass through cycles #n 'h#ch tens#on alternated '#th (er#ods o% rest and regenerat#on. #%e %ollo'ed the seasons and the da#ly cycle o% l#ght and dark had a greater #n%luence on ho' one l#ed. A%ter the Industr#al Reolut#on the te!(o o% change ?u#ckened and destab#l#5#ng ne' e3(er#ence beca!e !ore %re?uent the #nterludes o% regenerat#on shorter. *oday 'e are battered by an endless strea! o% st#!ul# and %or !any o% us the unregenerated nerous syste! re!a#ns #n a state o% (ers#s4 tent tens#on. Hu!an b#oche!#stry has not ada(ted to the rad#cal change #n l#%estyle. Our bod#es 'ere not des#gned to do 'hat 'e do. As the body+s syste!s organ#5e the!seles to res(ond to the #ncessant (resence o% st#!ulat#on '#thout re4 (r#ee the#r %le3#b#l#ty and %unct#on beg#n to be #!(a#red. *he #!(a#r!ent #n the natural %le3#b#l#ty o% the dyna!#c sys4 te!s o% the body eentually !an#%ests #tsel% as d#sease. At best 7:
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'e are o(en to d#seases o% oerst#!ulat#onJ at 'orst 'e are #ct#!s o% ser#ous stress d#sorders that can k#ll. *he (rogress#on %ro! a nor!al 'orkrela3at#on cycle to d#seases o% oerst#!ulat#on to stress d#sorders can be de4 scr#bed l#ke th#s@ Normal )timulation and Rest -ycle: *here #s a balance o%
tens#on 'hen a((ro(r#ate -to do 'ork to de%end aga#nst threat to (lay and rela3at#on -to regenerate en ergy. *iseases of /verstimulation without Re$rieve: Inso!n#a
%at#gue /#tter#ness #nab#l#ty to rela3 #nab#l#ty to concentrate boredo! "creat#e blocks" de(ress#on and be#ng oer4 'e#ght are so!e o% the sy!(to!s. *he nerous syste! #s stuck #n a !#ld but (ers#stent "%#ght or %l#ght" tens#on state. S!ooth !uscle t#ssue cannot rela3J #nternal b#oche!#stry has ada(ted to th#s state and !a#nta#ns #t. )tress *isorders: Stress d#sorders are the log#cal e3tens#on
o% d#seases o% oerst#!ulat#on. *hese are chron#c #nso!n#a (sychoso!at#c #llnesses h#gh blood (ressure hy(ertens#on (arano#d %antas#es hy(ersens#t##ty and death by a(o(le3y. *he !ach#ne beg#ns to k#ll #tsel% slo'ly or ?u#ckly. *here are a nu!ber o% d#%%erent treat!ent (rocedures that 'ork e#rect#ely to br#ng about a reduct#on o% stress and a restorat#on o% the natural (rocess o% regenerat#on. )e are see#ng the da'n o% a ne' era o% heal#ng #n 'h#ch (hys#cal health and (sycholog#cal 'ell4be#ng are synony!ous. Peo(le 'ho are not 'ell (sycholog#cally (o#son and hurt the!seles (hys#cally. So!e o% the 'ays 'e (o#son and hurt ourseles are a (art o% our trad#t#on. -*'o o% the co!!only4acce(ted 77
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%or!s o% treat!ent %or stress are beer and %ood,the (oor (erson+s tran?u#l#5ers. Stress #s !ost o%ten dealt '#th only a%ter #t has beco!e acute. Only 'hen the unre!#tt#ng (resence o% tens#on #s !an#%est as a d#sorder or d#sease do 'e s(eculate that (erha(s 'e need to rela3. Out o% our learned nu!bness 'e allo' stress to accu!ulate %urther nu!b#ng our #nnate al#eness. Alcohol and drugs (ro#de a te!(orary res(#te %ro! our l#%e4 nu!b#ng d#stract#ng !#nds. A%ter the res(#te %ro! our !#nds co!es the hangoer or the letdo'n. )hen th#s %or! o% rel#e% beco!es hab#tual greater stress #s al'ays the result because (eo(le beco!e obsess#ely attached to so!e %or! o% rel#e% that #s (o#sonous. *h#s #s the #c#ous cycle o% add#ct#on. #er manent add#ct#on to tem$orary relief occurs (art#cularly #% drugs or alcohol contrast strongly enough '#th 'hateer al4 ternat#es (eo(le hae %or rel#e% %ro! the#r o'n !#nds. En4 tra(!ent #n the ghetto o% the !#nd #s a 'orse alternat#e than add#ct#on %or !ost add#cts so they stay add#cted. Alcohol#s! cuts across all classes because the sel%4 torture o% !oral#s! cuts across all classes. One o% the reasons the te!(orary rel#e% o% be#ng drunk gets to be so (rec#ous #s that gett#ng drunk knocks one+s consc#ence #n the head. For a 'h#le the godda!ned !oral#st '#th#n shuts u(. *hat #s 'onder%ul %or a l#ttle 'h#le but 'hen you sober u( the !or4 al#st '#th#n 'orks oert#!e. *hen the (ayback #s not /ust a hangoer #t+s a hangoer #n church. For th#s you need #!!e4 d#ate rel#e% so you h#t the bottle aga#n. A #c#ous cycle. )ell4be#ng #s the ant#thes#s o% th#s cycle. )ell4be#ng starts '#th the da'n#ng real#5at#on that you are be#ng hel(4 lessly bu%%eted %ro! non4a'areness to s#ckness to te!(orary 7
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rel#e% and that des(#te your e%%orts to take care o% yoursel% you st#ll end u( #n th#s #c#ous cycle. )hen any cl#ent gets !ore than te!(orary rel#e% %ro! h#s or her learned syste! o% culturally a((roed sel%4destruc4 t#e beha#or then (sychothera(y has 'orked. )hen (eo(le sto( gett#ng drunk or stoned or h#gh #ncessantly and en/oy the!seles !ore 'hen they do those th#ngs occas#onally they hae clearly started tak#ng better care o% the!seles. *here #s no reason not to dr#nk alcohol and s!oke !ar#/uana #% you kee( #n good (hys#cal sha(e by 'ork#ng out and #% you don+t hae to hae the! to be ha((y. )e hae all e3(er#enced 'ell4be#ng and hae !e!or#es o% t#!es 'e %elt 'hole and %ull and %#ne. )ell4be#ng has to be cont#nually relearned and ree3(er#enced through a red#rec4 t#on o% attent#on a'ay %ro! the (reconce(t#ons o% the !#nd and to'ard the e3(er#ences o% e3c#te!ent #n the body. Once 'ell4be#ng as a cont#nual (rocess o% not#c#ng and red#scoery has been learned the 'ay a (erson s(ends t#!e and 'hat he or she does #n h#s or her l#%e changes not#ceably. )ell4be#ng #s not taught #n schools by (arents or by the church. )ell4be#ng #s sel%4taught us#ng gu#dance %ro! (eo(le 'ho don+t kno' !uch !ore about #t than you do. D#et e3erc#se and (sycholog#cal heal#ng (rogra!s can su((ort (eo(le #n learn#ng to create 'ellness as a natural on4 go#ng state o% be#ng. *h#s a((roach #s rad#cally d#%%erent %ro! the ty(#cal !oral#s! o% the usual "try harder to do good" a((roach. In %act such !oral#s! #s a (r#!ary source o% #n/ury and #ll health a!ong health %reaks. Sho' !e a !oral#st and I+ll sho' you so!eone 'ho doesn+t kno' ho' to take care o% h#! or hersel%. Only #% (eo(le can learn to undo the#r 7<
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du!b 'ays o% try#ng4to4take4care4o%4the!seles4by4should4 #ng4all4oer4the!seles can they heal !ore naturally by let4 t#ng u(. I% you+re t#red and s#ck take a break. *ake #t easy. Don+t 'orry be ha((y. So!e (eo(le '#ll relearn ho' to take care o% the!seles and so!e 'on+t. *hose o% us #n the hel(#ng (ro%ess#ons 'ho deal '#th stressed4out (eo(le kno' that not eeryone '#ll be success%ul #n oerco!#ng the 'ays o% sur##ng that are k#ll#ng the!. )e kno' that regardless o% our best e%%orts to (ro#de a (lace and a 'ay o% be#ng that g#es (eo(le the best chance to #nterru(t the!seles on the road to slo' su#c#de !any 'on+t een slo' the#r (ace. &eertheless 'hen #nterent#on does 'ork th#s #s ho' #t #s done@ regardless o% 'hat or ho' the (erson #s th#nk#ng 'e #nterru(t the (erson+s !#ndJ then beg#n a conersat#on about (ersonal (o'er based on not#c#ng rather than on th#nk#ng. )hen that conersat#on gets started #t '#ll so!et#!es last a l#%et#!e. 2ost o% the 'alk#ng 'ounded can+t tell do'n %ro! u( any!ore. Because sel%4cr#((l#ng (eo(le '#ll cont#nue to cr#((le the!seles '#th any "sel%4#!(roe!ent" (rogra! 'e hae to #nterru(t the#r !echan#cal re(l#cat#on o% the#r o'n su%%er#ng be%ore 'e can do anyth#ng other than 'aste t#!e try#ng to teach the! anyth#ng ne'. A%ter that #nterru(4 t#on 'e can teach (eo(le the nuts and bolts o% tak#ng care o% the!seles. For th#s reason tell#ng the truth #s central to all act##t#es and (rogra!s o% sel%4#!(roe!ent. *he source o% (ersonal (o'er #s the ab#l#ty to #nterru(t your o'n !#nd. And s#nce ha#ng th#ngs to h#de kee(s you #n your rac#ng !#nd and kee(s #t rac#ng you hae to reeal 'hat you hae h#dden. *he 'hole be#ng that each o% us #s 79
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#ncludes but #s not l#!#ted to the !#nd. &oth#ng #nterru(ts the !#nd l#ke tell#ng the truth. 2y /udg!ent about 'hether thera(y 'orks #s based on a %e' assu!(t#ons about 'hat the /ob is, 'h#ch I '#ll no' !ake e3(l#c#t. Psychothera(y and Ho' It )orks )hen It Does All #llnesses 'hether (sycholog#cal or (hys#cal are stress4related. Any co!(lete /ob o% (sychothera(y !ust (ro4 duce an obserable and !easurable change #n (hys#cal tens#on a decrease #n the %or! o% (sycholog#cal !#sery the (erson %#rst re(orts and no ne' !#sery to take #ts (lace. Both the thera(#st and the cl#ent !ust (erce#e a decrease #n the (sycholog#cal !#sery co!(la#ned about #n the beg#nn#ng. E?ually #!(ortant other (eo(le 'ho kne' the cl#ent be%ore thera(y !ust not#ce that the (erson #s !ore rested !ore at ease and less !#serable and not /ust scre'ed u( #n a ne' 'ay. *hera(y doesn+t al'ays 'ork. So!et#!es 'hen #t does 'ork #t 'orks only %or a 'h#le and then the (erson degener4 ates back to l##ng out o% !ore bullsh#t,th#s t#!e about ho' 'ell thera(y 'orked,and loses 'hateer relearn#ng oc4 curred. )hat ha((ens 'hen thera(y 'orks and kee(s on 'ork4 #ng #s that (eo(le 'ant to learn about ho' to stay 'ell. *hey beco!e #nterested #n l##ng #n the 'orld by constantly re4 ne'#ng the#r leases on l#%e rather than by be#ng lost #n the#r !#nds. *hey can do that best '#th#n the conte3t o% a sus4 ta#n#ng co!!un#ty o% other (eo(le #n the sa!e boat,(eo(le 'ho hae created 'ellness and are co!!#tted to !a#nta#n#ng 'ellness. Ind##duals 'ho atta#n so!e ne' health and 'ell4 78
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be#ng need the su((ort o% such a co!!un#ty o% %r#ends or the #nd##dual %ades back #nto the cultural 'ood'ork 'e are all dy#ng %ro!. It #s %ro! a (os#t#on o% su((ort by a grou( o% such (eo(le@ %r#ends colleagues and %or!er cl#ents o% !#ne that I 'r#te th#s book. As I hae 'orked '#th (eo(le under stress oer the years I hae beco!e !ore #nterested #n l#%e4!anage!ent on the (hys#cal and #!!ed#ate leel and less #nterested #n the #ntr#cac#es o% dee( (sycholog#cal !ean#ng. It #s through th#s #nterest that I hae d#scoered the (ract#cal alue o% tell#ng the truth. For about e#ght years I 'orked '#th and co4led grou(s '#th a (sych#atr#st 'ho 'as "'#thout a doubt a gen#us but 'hose l#%e 'as #ncred#bly scre'ed u( and re!a#ned so %or as long as I kne' h#!. He 'orked 7 hours a day su%%ered %ro! eery bod#ly a#l!ent kno'n to !an 'ent bankru(t eery seen years o'ed the IRS hundreds o% thousands o% dollars couldn+t kee( a decent relat#onsh#( go#ng longer than a 'eek and 'as generally one o% the (oorer e3a!(les #n th#s 'orld o% ho' to !ake l#%e 'ork. He treated h#s body l#ke sh#t. He gae out ad#ce to the tune o% Z<::::: a year but h#s l#%e d#dn+t 'ork. He d#dn+t hae t#!e to take care o% h#!sel% at the !ost bas#c leel because he bel#eed (hys#cal !a#ntenance 'as a 'aste o% t#!e. He 'as great to talk to and 'e had 'onder%ul conersat#ons about $ose(h 0a!(bell and the Su%#s and (ersonal and cultural !ythology. But he 'as a (athet#cally !#serable son4o%4a4b#tch and the best l##ng (roo% I+e seen that our !#nds+ atte!(ts to %#nally sole l#%e+s !ean4 #ng are #n no 'ay related to the good l#%e. )hen 'e started out he 'as !y !entor. ater 'e 7=
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beca!e colleagues. Eentually he 'as #n thera(y '#th !e. *he thera(y 'as unsuccess%ul because he al'ays kne' the ans'er to eeryth#ng so there 'as no need to e3(er#!ent '#th anyth#ng d#%%erent. He d#dn+t understand 'hat anyone+s grand!other could hae told h#!@ #% you take care o% your (hys#cal health you do better. And #% you don+t no !atter ho' s!art you are you 'on+t be ery ha((y. Ho'eer (eo(le don+t take care o% the!seles out o% kno'#ng that they should& I had a %r#end 'hose doctor told h#! to lose %#%teen (ounds. )hen he 'ent back %or h#s ne3t (hys#cal he had ga#ned ten (ounds #nstead and h#s doctor k#cked h#! out o% the o%%#ce say#ng "I% you aren+t '#ll#ng to take care o% yoursel% 'hy #n the hell should I" *hat doctor #s !y doctor and has been %or years and I a((rec#ate h#! %or h#s anger and %or h#s #ntegr#ty. St#ll des(#te th#s doctor+s good #ntent#ons !y %r#end had to hae a heart attack be%ore he could learn to take care o% h#!sel%. Fortunately he d#dn+t d#e and #s #n good sha(e today. I too hae k#cked a lot o% (eo(le out o% !y o%%#ce say4 #ng "I% you 'on+t take care o% yoursel% to hell '#th you1" )hat bothers !e !ore and !ore #s that een though 'e are r#ght #% 'e k#cked eeryone out 'ho desered be#ng k#cked out %or not coo(erat#ng '#th us %or h#s or her o'n good there !#ght not be anyone le%t #nclud#ng ourseles. earn#ng to take care o% ourseles creatively rather than resentfully #s a b#g ste( #n gro'#ng u(. )hen 'e take such good care o% ourseles that 'e hae all 'e need the oer%lo' to generos#ty '#th others #s (oss#ble. Pr#or to that nurtur#ng relat#onsh#(s bet'een or a!ong adults are not (oss#ble. Pr#or to that all g#%ts are br#bes,eeryth#ng has a str#ng attached 7
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because you need so!eth#ng %ro! the (erson you are g##ng the su((osedly %ree g#%t to. 2ost (eo(le 'on+t g#e u( on try#ng to %orce others to take care o% the! because they 'on+t %org#e the#r early care4 takers %or not ha#ng done a (er%ect /ob. Forg#eness #s cr#t#4 cal to (hys#cal and (sycholog#cal health. )hen (eo(le can s(end !ore t#!e #n the (leasant and l#ghter e3(er#ent#al con4 .t#nuu! than #n the !#serable se!#4darkness o% the !#nd they are health#er. *he (r#!ary %unda!ental essent#al basel#ne cr#t#cal lo'est4leel !#n#!u! re?u#re!ent %or ha((#ness '#thout 'h#ch there #s no other ho(e #s a willingness to ta5e care of oneself& *he trouble #s (eo(le are generally '#ll#ng to take care o% al!ost anyone or anyth#ng else B* the!seles. *hey '#ll take care o% a car house ch#ld /ob (et boss deadl#ne s(ouse stranger or any nu!ber o% (eo(le and th#ngs on an endless l#st be%ore they take care o% the!seles. Re(eated obserat#on o% th#s (heno!enon has led !e to the conclus#on that there #s a (art#cular 'ttlearn#ng re?u#red %or hu!an gro'th to cont#nue beyond adolescence and !ost (eo(le don+t unlearn #t. )hat !ust be unlearned #s the hab#t o% be#ng lost #n alue /udg!ents that oerr#de e3(er#ence. 2y teen4aged ne(he' 'ould rather look cool 'h#le %ree54 #ng to death 'a#t#ng %or the school bus than 'ear a 'ar! /acket that #s not as "#n" as the sh#rt he #s 'ear#ng. 2ost (eo(le don+t gro' beyond such adolescent tr#cks '#th or '#thout thera(y. 2ost thera(#sts are st#ll adolescents the!4 seles and there%ore don+t kno' 'hat the /ob #s. 2any (eo(le are tra((ed at a certa#n stage o% deelo(4 !ent cut o%% %ro! an essent#al %eedback syste! that 'ould naturally allo' the! to take care o% the!seles. *he %eedback 7
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syste! #s bu#lt #nto all o% us but 'e hae d#ssoc#ated ourseles %ro! #t. *he syste! re?u#res that 'e (ay attent#on to e3c#te4 !ent #n the body rather than conce(ts #n the !#nd. )e all hae the ca(ac#ty to be a'are o% ar#ous %or!s o% e3c#te!ent #n our bod#es but 'e don+t (ay !uch attent#on to that be4 cause 'e are too busy th#nk#ng and "should#ng" on our4 seles. For !any o% us the older 'e get the 'orse 'e are at tak#ng care o% ourseles. *h#s #s (artly because 'e hae learned too !uch about 'hat 'e should do and #t blocks our ab#l#ty to l#e based on 'hat 'e notice& Rather than attend#ng to 'hat 'e kno' 'e should do 'e can (ay attent#on to our bod#es,our ongo#ng b#o4%eedback syste!,and o(erate ac4 cord#ng to that rather than our !e!or#es o% 'hat 'e learned be%ore. /e%%in) Un$%c;
I% you don+t take good care o% yoursel% %#nd a thera(#st. F#nd a good one -'ho agrees '#th 'hat I hae /ust sa#d. One clue to ass#st you #n %#nd#ng a thera(#st or a grou( to su((ort you #n stay#ng 'hole and healthy #s th#s@ /ust talk#ng #s not enough. *alk#ng thera(#es alone are obsolete and on the 'ay out. Any thera(#st that cons(#res '#th your !#nd to try to hel( you th#nk your 'ay out o% unhealth #s not go#ng to hel( you. I '#ll g#e so!e e3a!(les o% "!ore than /ust talk#ng" thera(y #n th#s cha(ter. I co!b#ne techn#?ues that !any other (ro%ess#onals use se(arately and I str#ng the! together #n such a 'ay that the co!b#nat#on 'orks !ore (o'er%ully than any o% the se(arate 7C
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treat!ents alone. I '#ll outl#ne a ty(#cal %#rst ten sess#ons or so to #llustrate. )hen I beg#n see#ng a ne' cl#ent I l#sten and obsere get a %eel %or the (erson and get a l#st o% h#s or her co!4 (la#nts. sually there #s so!eth#ng (ress#ng so!e de(th o% de(ress#on or an3#ety that has been #nsoluble longer than (eo(le can tolerate so they break do'n and try thera(y. sually they are t#red so I 'ork '#th the! %a#rly early on to restore the#r bod#es and hel( the! recoer %ro! %at#gue. I so!et#!es use (olar#ty thera(y,a (ressure4(o#nt techn#?ue s#!#lar to re%le3ology and acu(uncture. I (ull the#r toes and (ut (ressure on certa#n s(ots aboe connect#e t#ssue to teach the#r bod#es d#rectly ho' to rela3. 2any (eo(le don+t con4 s#der ly#ng on the %loor gett#ng the#r %eet s?uee5ed to be (sychothera(y so I get to #olate the#r e3(ectat#ons r#ght a'ay. I don+t kno' #% the theor#es about energy beh#nd (o4 lar#ty thera(y or acu(ressure are correct or not but I do kno' %ro! do#ng (olar#ty thera(y %or years that #t 'orks to rela3 (eo(le 'hether they 'ant to rela3 or not. It hurts a l#ttle b#t. It !ay 'ork /ust because I teach (eo(le to rela3 unnecessary tens#on #n the rest o% the#r body #n order to decrease (a#n #n the s(ot 'here I+! (ush#ng. It !ay be that /ust the tens#ng and rela3#ng that naturally occurs 'hen so!eone #s hurt#ng your toes results #n an oerall rela3at#on. It !ay be that (eo(le learn that an a((ro(r#ate 'ay to deal '#th (hys#cal (a#n #s to be %ully '#ll#ng to e3(er#ence the (a#n 'here #t hurts and #nstead o% tens#ng u( the rest o% the#r body #n res(onse to the (a#n to rela3 the rest o% the#r body and take 'hat they get,and they general#5e that to the (sycholog#cal do!a#n. )hateer the cause (eo(le are !ore 7C:
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rela3ed a%ter I+e 'orked on the! %or th#rty !#nutes than they 'ere be%ore. *hey %eel better and can slee( and get rested that ery n#ght. *hey hae also learned so!eth#ng about ho' resistance causes (a#n to (ers#st and surrender causes (a#n to decrease. Any (roble!s I not#ce #n the dyna!#c o% hold#ng on and lett#ng go #n the body usually sho' u( as 'ell 'hen they descr#be the#r relat#onsh#(s to (eo(le !oney and t#!e. *h#s %act beco!es e#dent #n conersat#on 'hen I cont#nue the (rocess. *h#s (er#od o% hear#ng the#r co!(la#nts and teach#ng the! to start 'ork on themselves rather than on those com $lained about lasts t'o or three sess#ons. *h#s so!et#!es takes longer #% they get (#ssed o%% or shocked that the#r "'ay o% be#ng" about the#r co!(la#nts rather than 'hat+s be#ng co!(la#ned about #s the source o% the (roble! and the %ocus o% thera(y. Also #n th#s %#rst (hase I o%ten ask cl#ents to allo' !e to hy(not#5e the!. R#ght a%ter the (olar#ty thera(y 'ork #s a good t#!e %or th#s because they are already dee(ly rela3ed. )h#le they are #n a trance state I teach the! sel%4hy(nos#s and suggest that they '#ll get ery good at #t through regular (ract#ce at ho!e. As a (art o% the hy(not#c #nduct#on I e34 (la#n to the! ery thoroughly so!e o% the %unct#ons o% the #noluntary nerous syste! and the (o'er o% the uncon4 sc#ous !#nd #n sel%4heal#ng. I re!#nd the! aga#n o% another !ethod o% control they hae used be%ore but %orgotten the !ethod o% control through surrender. I teach the! to rela3 and let the #noluntary nerous syste! run th#ngs '#thout #nter%erence because #t does the !ost #!(ortant 'ork any4. 'ay. *hey get the !essage that they can start tak#ng care o% 7C7
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the!seles based on 'hat they notice about the!seles 'hen they rela3 and (ay attent#on. I% they are t#red as !any o% the! are they can rest. I% they are hungry they can eat. I% they are th#rsty they can dr#nk. I% they %eel sh#tty they can do th#ngs to %eel better. -*h#s #s 'hat )#lhel! Re#ch called organ#s!#c sel%4regulat#on. )hen I /ust tell (eo(le th#s !ost o% the! '#ll agree #n theory and st#ll not do #t. I% I teach the! sel%4hy(nos#s and hae the! "not#ce the#r not#c#ng" so!et#!es %ro! (ract#c#ng not#c#ng the lesson actually soaks #n. Oer about a s#34'eek (er#od 'e talk so!e !ore about the#r troubles. I !#ght do another sess#on o% (olar#ty thera(y on the! and they cont#nue to (ract#ce sel%4hy(nos#s. I also g#e the! body a'areness e3erc#ses. So!et#!es I teach the! yoga e3erc#ses do b#o4%eedback or use other (hys#cal !an#(ulat#on or #nstruct#onal techn#?ues. I so!et#!es use cerebral electro4st#!ulat#on or "slee( !ach#ne" treat!ents #n 'h#ch a (erson uses stethosco(e4style electrodes (o'ered by n#ne4olt batter#es to #nduce a lo' current to the bra#n to br#ng about !ore rest%ul slee(. -*he "0erebral Electro4St#!4 ulat#on" !ach#ne #s class#%#ed as a research tool by the Food and Drug Ad!#n#strat#on. *he research on slee( !ach#nes has been go#ng on %or 9: years and #t 'orks to #nduce a nor!al slee( (attern so (eo(le can get rested but nobody kno's 'hy yet. I don+t (art#cularly care 'hy th#ngs 'ork. I% so!eth#ng 'orks !ost o% the t#!e '#th (eo(le I use #t. Hal% the th#ngs I do !ay see! to be (ure hocus4(ocus but they o%ten 'ork. So!e years ago I sa' a young !an o% < 'hose bo'els !oed only once eery three day s. He had terr#ble he!4 7C
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orrho#ds and couldn+t e/aculate 'hen he had se3. He could e/aculate so!et#!es 'hen he !asturbated but that 'as (a#n4 %ul. *here 'as a t#ghtness throughout the lo'er hal% o% h#s body. I sent h#! to a (roctolog#st to %#nd out 'hat to do %or h#s he!orrho#ds. *he (roctolog#st told h#! he should hae the! o(erated on and he 'ould hae to go #nto the hos(#tal %or the o(erat#on because h#s case 'as too seere to be treated on an #n4and4out bas#s. He agreed to go #nto the hos(#tal but he (ut #t o%% as he had done be%ore. I 'as 'ork#ng '#th h#! #n thera(y and d#d 'hat I descr#bed aboe@ (olar#ty thera(y hy(nos#s sel%4hy(nos#s and so!e e3tra Gestalt thera(y 'ork on anger. By the %ourth one4hour long slee( !ach#ne and dee( rela3at#on treat!ent he e/aculated dur#ng se3ual #nter4 course '#th h#s g#rl%r#end. Although he had e3(er#enced #n4 tercourse !any t#!es th#s 'as the %#rst t#!e #n h#s l#%e he had eer had an orgas! dur#ng #ntercourse. He started ha#ng bo'el !oe!ents eery day '#thout any trouble. *he he!orrho#ds 'ent a'ay e3ce(t %or the sacs. He 'ent back to the doctor 'ho no' sa#d he d#dn+t hae to hae an o(erat#on but could hae the sacs cut o%% #% he 'anted. *hat 'as eleen years ago and the !an st#ll e/aculates '#thout (a#n and al4 though he does occas#onally hae (roble!s '#th he!or4 rho#ds they are noth#ng l#ke 'hat they 'ere be%ore. Along '#th these (hys#cal treat!ents he had so!e hon4 est conersat#ons '#th h#s g#rl%r#end. He re4establ#shed con4 tact '#th h#s !other. He reealed so!e o% h#s %ear and anger. *hese th#ngs these reersals o% h#s earl#er "t#ght4assed" control o% h#s %eel#ngs and secrets allo'ed h#! to kee( the "te!(orary" bene%#ts o% (olar#ty thera(y slee(4!ach#ne treat!ents b#oenerget#cs b#o%eedback and sel%4hy(nos#s. 7C<
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I hae ass#sted (eo(le to cure the!seles o% asth!a lo'er4back (a#n sk#n rashes #nso!n#a obes#ty alcohol n#c4 ot#ne and drug add#ct#ons and other bod#ly a#l!ents. I hae also %a#led to hel( a %e'. But generally I can turn (eo(le on to the (o'er o% tak#ng charge o% the#r o'n e3(er#ence #n the#r bod#es to heal the!seles o% bod#ly #lls. )e eentually %#nd so!eth#ng that 'orks. It also turns out that the sa!e th#ng 'orks to stra#ghten out relat#onsh#(s. )hen 'e be4 co!e '#ll#ng to take %ull res(ons#b#l#ty %or tak#ng care o% our o'n seles #n the 'orld our relat#onsh#(s start 'ork#ng bet4 ter as do our bod#es. 2ost o% us un%ortunately 'ant to !ake so!eone else take care o% us #nstead. )e can all st#ll re!e!ber,consc#ously or not,ho' n#ce #t 'as 'hen 'e 'ere s!all enough that so!eone else had to do the 'orry#ng and the 'ork. Although #t #s a co!(lete 'aste o% t#!e to 'ork your ass o%% try#ng to rearrange the 'orld #nto that (re#ous !odel that 'orked a long t#!e ago !ost o% us neer get that !essage. So the %#rst (hase o% thera(y #s body thera(y and beg#n4 n#ng #nstruct#on #n sel%4!a#ntenance through not#c#ng and (hys#cal d#sc#(l#ne. *he (hys#cal techn#?ues l#ke ;oga (olar#ty thera(y and sel%4hy(nos#s hae only te!(orary e%%ects but (eo(le can kee( the bene%#ts o% these cr#s#s4or#ented ther4 a(eut#c techn#?ues #% they take oer the task o% tak#ng care o% the!seles (hys#cally on a regular bas#s and learn to rest and rela3 and nurture the!seles. &e3t the (erson enters #nto an agree!ent '#th !e to 'ork out and get #n good (hys#cal sha(e and I ass#st the! '#th su((ort %or a k#nd o% s(r#ng tra#n#ng. A%ter those beg#n4 n#ng 'eeks 'e !ake so!e agree!ents about e3erc#se nu4 7C9
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tr#t#on drugs and alcohol and other !atters o% (hys#cal health and 'e beg#n (sychothera(y the 'ay other (eo(le th#nk o% #t. *he hardest (art o% 'hat 'e do #s the characterolog#cal (art,the thera(y to change the 'ay the (erson runs h#!4 or hersel%. *he 'ays 'e all learned to get sat#s%act#on that 'orked at e#ght years o% age beco!e #ncreas#ngly less a((ro4 (r#ate as 'e gro' older but the unconsc#ous !#nd doesn+t get the !essage. Ins#ghts ga#ned #n ch#ldhood beco!e (r#nc#4 (les o% control %or l##ng the "r#ght l#%e" as an adu lt. But (eo(le hae to get oer ch#ldhood #n order to gro' u(. Gro'#ng u( #s not /ust a cont#nual accu!ulat#on o% ne' learn#ng@ you hae to d#tch so!e o% 'hat you learned be%ore. One (art#cularly e%%ect#e 'ay to do th#s #s to tell the truth about all your atte!(ts to !an#(ulate others to get 'hat you 'ant. nt#l you can laugh about th#s you aren+t %ree %ro! be#ng !an#(ulated by your o'n !an#(ulat#ons. It #s only through tell#ng the truth about all these h#dden agendas %or gett#ng 'hat you 'ant that the real 'ork o% gro'#ng beg#ns. So at th#s th#rd (hase o% thera(y so!e o% the 'ork #s %erret#ng out current !an#(ulat#ons or atte!(ts at !an#(ula4 t#on and ar#ous %or!s o% e!ot#onal black!a#l learned ear4 l#er #n l#%e and con%ess#ng the! to the h#stor#cal and the current #ct#!s. S#nce (#ctures o% ho' one #s su((osed to be taken care o% and !odels %or gett#ng 'hat one 'ants by conn#ng others beco!e entrenched #n the !#nd as ho' th#ngs should be !uch o% th#s 'ork #noles d#sa((o#nt!ent anger and sadness. 0oach#ng dur#ng th#s (hase o% thera(y #noles eeryth#ng I+e 'r#tten about #n th#s book so %ar. *hera(y cons#sts (r#!ar#ly o% teach#ng (eo(le ho' to 7C8
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recontact the e3(er#ence that e3#sts belo' the#r !oral#s! or belo' ideas about ho' l#%e #s and ho' #t should be. *he e%$eriencer nor!ally blocked by !oral#st#c resole '#ll then gradually co!e to the %oreground and the !oral#s! 'h#le re!a#n#ng #ntact '#ll recede to the background. One+s l#%e changes o% course a%ter such a trans%or!at#on but the (o#nt #s not the change. *he c#rcu!stant#al changes are al!ost #nc#4 dentalJ the (o#nt #s the sh#%t o% %#gure and ground. *he %#gure #n the %oreground the !#nd4bound harr#ed "should#st#c" 'arr#or !oes to the background,st#ll al#e and 'ell and 'hole but no longer lead#ng,and the hereto%ore back4 ground %#gure the ?u#et an#!al 'ho 'alks and laughs tak#ng 'hat+s so #n nature co!es to the %oreground,een #n the c#ty and een at 'ork. Such a sh#%t #s a !atter o% grace and str#kes only those #n good4%eel#ng sha(e 'ho are ready to rece#e #t. Be#ng a good thera(#st #s kno'#ng th#s and hel(#ng the odds along. Peo(le can be turned on to the#r o'n (o'er and good4 ness enough that they don+t need t#ghtly held $rinci$les to hold the!seles together any!ore. It #s here that #s#ons o% a !ore hero#c l#%e ar#se. *hey ar#se %ro! the sa!e de(ths that the sel%4cr#((l#ng (r#nc#(les o% control ca!e %ro!. *hey ar#se th#s t#!e ho'eer at the behest o% a (erson 'ho feels l#ke creat#ng and a%%#r!#ng h#s or her l#%e rather than a (erson 'ho %eels s#ck and bad and (o'erless. It #s (rec#sely at th#s (o#nt the !ost #sceral and bas#c (o#nt o% (hys#cal e3(er#4 ence that the (o'er o% (ersonal res(ons#b#l#ty %or 'ell4be#ng e!erges. Peo(le d#scoer ho' to take care o% the!seles 'hen they co!e back #n contact '#th the#r e3(er#ence. &o one has t#!e to discover anyth#ng 'hen they are constantly 7C=
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be#ng s'a!(ed by orders %ro! central cast#ng. *hese orders g#en #n a shr#ll #nternal tone o% o#ce 'ere bu#lt #n '#th %eel#ngs o% sha!e at e#ght years o% age or earl#er. )hen 'e are not unth#nk#ngly obey#ng that o#ce 'e handle our da#ly (hys#cal bas#c on4go#ng e3#stence '#th energy le%t oer and 'orry decreased and 'e are able to get #n touch '#th our (o'er as creators. Psycholog#cal 'ell4be#ng co!es out o% the re4d#scoery that you are the 0reator. 2ost o% our educat#on #s to (reent such a th#ng %ro! ha((en#ng. A lot o% 'hat I+! say#ng #s %a!#l#ar to a lot o% (eo(le '#th the (oss#ble e3ce(t#on o% !ost (ract#c#ng (sycholog#sts and (sych#atr#sts. "*alk#ng4only" (sychothera(y by #tsel% #s an anachron#s!. *he trad#t#onal Freud#an (sychoanalyt#cal a(4 (roach has already b#tten the dust e3ce(t as a $ost hoc creat#e !ythology %or those already cured or not #nterested #n be#ng cured o% an3#ety or de(ress#on. On the 'ay #n are (eo(le 'ho take care o% the!seles no' and then us#ng a doctor or thera(#st 'ho kno's so!eth#ng about stress and understands trans%or!at#on. Peo(le are learn#ng to g#e u( look#ng %or an author#ty to take care o% the#r hurt and !ake #t all better and #nstead are look#ng %or a %ello' hu!an '#th !odern technol4 ogy at hand and a #s#on o% a better 'ay to l#e. *hese are !y k#nd o% (eo(le. Peo(le l#ke th#s are creators 'ho use !e creat#ely and 'hen they are l#ke th#s they don+t need !e any!ore,they use !e to the#r best adantage. )hat I th#nk 'e learn together oer and oer #s so!e4 th#ng about g##ng u(. )e g#e u( '#sh#ng. )e abandon all ho(e. #%e beco!es a ga!e %or the sake o% the ga!e alone. *he act o% '#sh#ng #s #tsel% trans%or!ed. &#et5sche sa#d "A !an+s !atur#ty cons#sts #n ha#ng %ound aga#n the ser#ousness 7C
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one had as a ch#ld at (lay."7 *hat ser#ous (lay that (ay#ng attent#on %#rst and then th#nk#ng4d#rected4by4attent#on that utter ded#cat#on to being with 'hateer you are do#ng #s a 'ay o% be#ng 'e hae kno'n s#nce the l#ght %#rst ca!e on #n the 'o!b. )e kee( try#ng to get a gras( on th#s ungras(able be#ng by re!e!ber#ng 'hat #t d#d and (red#ct#ng 'hat #t '#ll do. *hat doesn+t 'ork. )hat %ools us #nto be#ng neurot#c #s the des#re to hold on to so!e e3(er#ences and to ao#d oth4 ers. E3(er#ence changes constantly so 'e !oe to %antas#es and 'orr#es 'h#ch also change,but at a slo'er rate. *h#s g#es us a sense o% control. 2ost o% us '#ll trade anyth#ng 'e hae %or a good %alse sense o% control. I% 'e can surrender the %alse sense o% control (ro#ded by (rotect#e bel#e%s and %antas#es o% 'ho 'e are and ho' 'e should be 'e can learn to use the !#nd4!ach#ne 'e or#g#4 nally deelo(ed as a de%ense aga#nst the nuns and teachers and other co(s. &o' centered #n our e3(er#ence 'e can use our !#nds as #nstru!ents %or creat#ng. )hen a (erson learns to use h#s or her o'n !#nd %or creat#ng rather than be#ng used by that !#nd the /ob o% (sychothera(y #s oer.
7C
PAR* I
:
Things Learned from the !ar 4etween 4eing 2 Mind
&7 ABO* 0HA&GE ;-limate is what we e%$ect& !eather is what we get&; Robert & Heinlein ,
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h#s cha(ter descr#bes 'here (o'er co!es %ro!. Po'er res#des #n (ersons not #n techn#?ues. In $ohn Ste#nbeck+s The ra$es of !rath= *o! $oad and h#s brother Al #n the !#ddle o% the#r trek %ro! Oklaho!a to 0al#%orn#a '#th the 'hole %a!#ly and all the#r 'orldly goods had to go to a /unkyard to get a (art needed to oerhaul the eng#ne on the#r car. *hey had borro'ed a truck %ro! so!e (eo(le #n the sa!e sha(e they 'ere. *he truck droe to the ser#ce stat#on belt and there on the r#ght4hand s#de o% the road 'as a 'reck#ng yard,an acre lot surrounded by a h#gh barbed4'#re %ence a cor4 rugated #ron shed #n %ront '#th used t#res (#led u( by the doors and (r#ce4!arked. Beh#nd the shed there 'as a l#ttle shack bu#lt o% scra( scra( lu!ber and (#eces o% t#n. *he '#ndo's 'ere '#ndsh#elds bu#lt #nto the 'alls. In the greasy lot the 'recks lay cars '#th t'#sted stoe4#n 201
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noses 'ounded cars ly#ng on the#r s#des '#th the 'heels gone. Eng#nes rust#ng on the ground and aga#nst the shed. A great (#le o% /unkJ %enders and truck s#des 'heels and a3lesJ oer the 'hole lot a s(#r#t o% decay o% !old and rustJ t'#sted #ron hal%4gutted eng#nes a !ass o% derel#cts. Al droe the truck u( on the o#ly ground #n %ront o% the shed. *o! got out and looked #nto the dark door'ay. "Don+t see nobody" he sa#d and he called "Anybody here $esus I ho(e they got a +8 Dodge." Beh#nd the shed a door banged. A s(ecter o% a !an ca!e through the dark shed. *h#n d#rty o#ly sk#n t#ght aga#nst str#ngy !uscles. One eye 'as gone and the ra' uncoered socket s?u#r!ed '#th eye !uscles 'hen h#s good eye !oed. H#s /eans and sh#rt 'ere th#ck and sh#ny '#th old grease and h#s hands cracked and l#ned and cut. H#s heay (out#ng underl#( hung out sullenly. *o! asked ";ou the boss" *he one eye glared. "I 'ork %or the boss" he sa#d sullenly. ")hatcha 'ant" "Got a 'recked +8 Dodge )e need a con4rod." "I don+t kno'. I% the boss 'as here he could tell ya 4,but he a#n+t here. He+s 'ent ho!e." "0an 'e look and see" *he !an '#(ed h#s nose #nto the (al! o% h#s hand and '#(ed h#s hand on h#s trousers. ";ou %ro! here4 abouts" "0o!e %ro! east,go#n+ 'est." "ook aroun+ then. Burn the godda!n (lace do'n %or all I care." 202
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"ooks l#ke you don+t loe your boss none." *he !an sha!bled close h#s one eye %lar#ng. "I hate +#!" he sa#d so%tly. "I hate the son4o%4a4b#tch1 Gone ho!e no'. Gone ho!e to h#s house." *he 'ords %ell stu!bl#ng out. "He got a 'ay,he got a 'ay a4(#ck#n+ a %ella an+ a4tear#n+ a %ella. He,the son4o%4a4 b#tch. Got a g#rl n#neteen (urty. Says to !e +Ho'+d you l#ke to !arry her+ Says that r#ght to !e. An+ to4 n#ght says +*hey+s a danceJ ho'+d ya l#ke ta go+ 2e he says #t to !e1" *ears %or!ed #n h#s eye and dr#((ed %ro! the corner o% the red eye socket. "So!e day by God, so!e day I+! gonna hae a (#(e 'rench #n !y (ocket. )hen he says the! th#ngs he looks at !y eye. An+ I+! gonna I+! gonna /us+ take h#s head r#ght do'n o%% h#s neck '#th that 'rench l#ttle (#ece at a t#!e." He (anted '#th h#s %ury. "#ttle (#ece at a t#!e r#ght do'n o%%n h#s neck." *he sun d#sa((eared beh#nd the !ounta#ns. Al looked #nto the lot at the 'recked cars. "Oer there look *o!1 *hat there looks l#ke a +8 or +=." *o! turned to the one4eyed !an. "2#nd #% 'e look" "Hell no1 *ake any godda!ned th#ng you 'ant" the one4eyed !an sa#d. "I+ll get you a bo3 a tools." He shu%%led o%% a!ong the rusty cars and #n a !o!ent he ca!e back '#th a t#n bo3 o% tools. *o! dug out a socket 'rench and handed #t to Al. ";ou take her o%%. Don+ lose no sh#!s an+ don+ let the bolts get a'ay an+ kee( track a the cotter4(#ns. Hurry u(. *he l#ght+s gett#n+ d#!." 203
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Al cra'led under the car. ")e oughta get us a set a socket 'renches" he called. "0an+t get #n no (lace '#th a !onkey 'rench." ";ell out #% you 'ant a hand" *o! sa#d. *he one4eyed !an stood hel(lessly by. "I+ll hel( ya #% ya 'ant" he sa#d. "6no' 'hat that son4o%4a4b#tch done He co!e by an+ he got on 'h#te (ants. An+ he says +0o!e on le+s go out to !y yacht.+ By God I+ll 'hang h#! so!e day1" He breathed hea#ly "I a#n+t been out '#th a 'o!an sence I los+ !y eye. An+ he says stu%Fl#ke that." And b#g tears cut channels #n the d#rt bes#de h#s nose. *o! sa#d #!(at#ently ")hyn+t you roll on Got no guards to kee( ya here." ";eah that+s easy to say. A#n+t so easy to get a /ob ,not %or a one4eye+ !an." *o! turned on h#!. "&o' look4a4here %ella. ;ou got that eye '#de o(en. An+ ya d#rty ya st#nk. ;a+ /us+ ask#n+ %or #t. ;a l#ke #t. et+s ya %eel sorry %or yasel%. +0ourse ya can+t get no 'o!an '#th that e!(ty eye %la((#n+ aroun+. Put so!e(#n oer #t an+ 'ash ya %ace. ;ou a#n+t h#tt#n+ nobody '#th no (#(e 'rench." "I tell ya a one4eye+ %ella got a hard ro'" the !an sa#d. "0an+t see stu%% the 'ay other %ellas can. 0an+t see ho' %ar o%% a th#ng #s. Eer+th#ng+s /us+ %lat." *o! sa#d ";a %ull a cra(. )hy I kno'ed a one4 legged 'hore one t#!e. *h#nk she 'as tak#n+ t'o4b#ts #n a alley &o by God1 She+s gett#n+ hal% a dollar e3tra. She says +Ho' !any one4legged 'o!en you sle(+ '#th &one1+ she says. +O.6.+ she says +;ou got 204
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sotne(#n (retty s(ec#al here an+ #t+s gonna cos+ ya hal% a buck e3try.+ An+ by God she 'as gett#n+ +e! too an+ the %ellas co!#n+ out th#nk#n+ they+re (retty lucky. She says she+s good luck. An+ I kno'ed a hu!(4back #n,#n a (lace I 'as. 2ake h#s 'hole l##n+ lett!+ %olks rub h#s hu!( %or luck. $esus 0hr#st an+ all you got #s one eye gone." *he !an sa#d stu!bl!gly ")ell $esus ya see so!ebody edge a'ay %ro! ya and #t gets #nto ya." "0oer #t u( then godda!n #t. ;a st#ck#n+ #t out l#ke a co'+s ass. ;a l#ke to %eel sorry %or yasel% *here a#n+t noth#n+ the !atter '#th you. Buy yasel% so!e 'h#te (ants. ;a gett#n+ drunk and cry#n+ #n ya bed I bet. &eed any hel( Al" *he one4eyed !an sa#d so%tly "*h#nk,so!e4 body+d l#ke,!e" ")hy sure" sa#d *o!. "*ell +e! ya dong+s gro'ed sence you los+ your eye." ")here at you %ellas go#n+" "0al#%orn#a. )hole %a!#ly. Gonna get 'ork out there." ")ell ya th#nk a %ella l#ke !e could get 'ork Black (atch on !y eye"
")hy not ;ou a#n+t no cr#((le." ")ell,could I catch a r#de '#th you %ellas" "0hr#st no. )e+re so godda!n %ull no' 'e can+t
!oe. ;ou get out so!e other 'ay. F#3 u( one a these here 'recks an+ go out by yasel%." "2aybe I '#ll by God" sa#d the one4eyed !an. 205
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)hat *o! sa#d to the one4eyed !an 'as 'hat I call a great thera(eut#c #nterent#on. But een rad#cal #nterent#ons by the best o% thera(#sts are (o'erless unless there #s a co!4 !#t!ent by a 'hole and und##ded be#ng to change. All o% the #n%or!at#on #n the 'orld #s o% no alue and all research #s #rreleant unt#l (laced #n the conte3t o% the (o'er o% #nten4 t#on. )e all d#s(lay a k#nd o% #ncons#stency a!ong our bel#e%s our '#shes and our act#ons #n our o'n l#es although #t !ay be eas#er to recogn#5e #n the l#es o% others. )e hae all l#stened to an argu!ent (lay #tsel% out bet'een t'o -or !ore o#ces '#th#n our o'n !#nds,one (reach#ng about 'hat 'e should do and the other hel(lessly a(olog#5#ng and e3(la#n4 #ng about ho' 'e 'ould #% 'e could but 'e can+t. )e all share an a'areness #% 'e are honest that on so!e %unda!en4 tal leel the a((arent struggle a!ong our bel#e%s act#ons and des#res #s a %alse one. 2ore o%ten than not the "struggle" has e!erged a%ter a cho#ce has already been !ade though (er4 ha(s unconsc#ously. *he "struggle" !an#%ests #tsel% !ostly as e%%ort@ "try#ng" to dec#deJ "try#ng" to be goodJ "try#ng" to kee( our 'ord. *he %alse struggle #s #nented by our !#nds as a d#stract#on to "dra' %#re",to dra' the %#re o% our atten4 t#on and kee( us %ro! see#ng that 'e hae already chosen. *o! and Al got #nto the truck. It 'as dee( dark. Al started the !otor and turned on the l#ghts. "So long" *o! called. "See ya !aybe #n 0al#%orn#a." *hey turned across the h#gh'ay and started back. *he one4eyed !an 'atched the! go and then he 'ent through the #ron shed to h#s shack beh#nd. It 'as :=
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dark #ns#de. He %elt h#s 'ay to the !attress on the %loor and he stretched out and cr#ed #n h#s bed and the cars 'h#55#ng by on the h#gh'ay only strengthened the 'alls o% h#s lonel#ness. )hen (eo(le #e' the!seles as conglo!erat#ons o% o((os#ng %orces each %orce stra#n#ng #n a d#%%erent d#rect#on '#th each (art#cular co!(onent str##ng to 'rest control %ro! the others and do!#nate the %uture the result #s a sense o% hel(lessness. I!(otent %ury #s 'eakness. E%%ort #s the o((o4 s#te o% (o'er. *hat as(ect o% our e3(er#ence that longs %or ha((#ness and r#ghteousness neer ?u#te succeeds #n ga#n#ng control oer the other %orces 'h#ch 'e #e' as al#en and un'anted "baggage",the un%ortunate acc#dents o% our character that so!eho' oer(o'er our #nner long#ngs and coer u( our true seles. )e #!ag#ne that stronger or luck#er (eo(le hae succeeded #n the#r battle %or sel%4control and that th#s #s the source o% the#r (o'er. *h#s bel#e% that others hae succeeded 'here 'e hae %a#led beco!es /ust another ele!ent #n our battle aga#nst ourseles@ our long#ng to be that 'h#ch 'e are not. *he cond#t#ons 'e (roduce #n our l#es the act#ons 'e re(eat aga#nst our '#ll the c#rcu!stances that !ake us su%%er ,so!eho' 'e hae (er(etuated the! des(#te our (ro%essed bel#e%s and our e%%orts to change. *he source o% our (o'er to (roduce the results 'e 'ant does not l#e #n our bel#e%s our ho(es or our t#!e4consu!#ng struggle to change. *he (erson 'ho says he 'ants to lose 'e#ght but says he /ust can+t g#e u( !#dn#ght snacks !ay bel#ee he #s #n a struggle bet'een "be#ng good" and "g##ng 207
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#n" to h#s cra#ngs but #n %act he has already chosen to kee( snack#ng. *he "struggle" that he descr#bes seres to h#de th#s %act. By %ocus#ng our attent#on on our a((arent struggle to change,the reasons and e3(lanat#ons and e3cuses that 'e generate #nstead o% results,'e engage #n a cons(#racy to (retend that 'e are each an acc#dental grou(#ng o% d#shar!o4 n#ous (arts 'ork#ng aga#nst each other. )hy "(arts" )hen you say "I 'ant to look %or a ne' /ob but I can+t see! to get started" 'ho #s #t that "'ants to" and 'ho #s #t that "can+t" It #s as though there 'ere t'o o% you and one,the one 'ho "can+t",had !ore (o'er than the other. ;ou (re4 tend that the "real" you #s the one that "'ants to." )e (retend that 'e are not 'hole. *he "I" 'ho 'ants to get u( early eery !orn#ng and e3erc#se %or #nstance see!s to be a d#%%erent #nd##dual %ro! the "I" 'ho dec#des to slee( #n. *he "I" 'ho longs %or a success%ul su((ort#e !arr#age #s not the "I" 'ho backs do'n %ro! !ak#ng a co!!#t!ent 'heneer a relat#onsh#( gets too ser#ous. Instead o% e3a!#n4 #ng !ore closely the actual 'ay #n 'h#ch 'e o(erate 'h#ch cons#sts o% "try#ng" to get 'hat 'e 'ant and then sabotag#ng our o'n e%%orts 'e assu!e our error #s #n not try#ng hard enough and redouble both our e%%orts and our res#stance. )e al'ays !anage to stay one ste( ahead o% ourseles so that 'e neer ?u#te reach our goals. By %ocus#ng on the struggle #n4 stead o% on the results 'e ao#d ha#ng to ad!#t that the one 'ho 'ants to change and the one 'ho res#sts change are one and the sa!e that 'e are 'hole and that 'e really do get 'hat 'e 'ant,'h#ch #s struggle rather than results. But unt#l I can e3(er#ence !y o'n res#stance as "!e" /u st as I :
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e3(er#ence !y des#re to change as "!e" I a! doo!ed to be locked #n the ho(eless struggle %or control *o! 'as abso4 lutely r#ght about the one4eyed !an@ ";a /us+ ask#n+ %or #t. ;a l#ke #t. ets ya %eel sorry %or yasel%." Instead o% a!alga!at#ons o% (arts ha#ng contrad#ctory and uncontrollable (ur(oses su((ose 'e cons#der ourseles to be already 'hat 'e long to be@ %unct#onal #ntegrated 'holes 'ho (roduce the results 'e choose e%%ortlessly '#th our ent#re be#ngs. Su((ose 'e all already are that. All the a((arent contrad#ct#ons and d#choto!#es,the %at (erson struggl#ng to be th#n the s#nner try#ng to be good the 'ork4 ahol#c long#ng %or t#!e '#th h#s %a!#ly,are actually s!oke4 screens %alse struggles enacted by our o'n !#nds to h#de %ro! others or ourseles our true #ntent. Our true #ntent #s to do /ust 'hat 'e do. As co!(lete #ntegrated hu!an be#ngs 'e d#rect our l#es '#th (ur(ose '#th e%%ortless control and '#th un4 checked (o'er. *h#s #s scary. *he contrad#ct#ons bet'een our (r#nc#(les and our beha#or are only su(er%#c#al only #nented %or the sake o% a((earance and to ao#d ackno'l4 edg#ng our terr#%y#ng (o'er to !ake th#ngs ha((en. Our un'#ll#ngness to e3(lore the (oss#b#l#ty that 'hat 'e hae #s 'hat 'e 'ant,that our l#es %unct#on that 'e are co!%ort4 able and %ear change #n !ost areas o% our l#es,(reents us %ro! (roduc#ng change #n other areas. Our energy #s totally #nested #n !a#nta#n#ng our l#es the 'ay they are and the (hony struggle %or change only conceals the 'ays #n 'h#ch the status ?uo seres us. Our a((arent battle %or change #s a te!(est #n a tea(ot. As long as I #dent#%y !y "sel% only as that des#re to change and not also as a (resently !ore (o'er4 209
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%ul des#re to re!a#n the sa!e I '#ll re!a#n stuck. In a sense I can change %#nally only by g##ng u( trying to change. In order %or th#ngs to get better they !ust %#rst get 'orse. In order to get out o% debt 'e hae to ackno'ledge ho' #t seres us to be #n debt. In order to lose 'e#ght 'e hae to be #n touch '#th and con%ront ho' 'e also 'ant to stay %at. )e hae to sto( (ay#ng attent#on to our struggle and turn our a'areness to the 'ays #n 'h#ch these c#rcu!stances 'e cla#! 'e 'ant to change sere us,the (ayo%%s. Only a%ter e3(er#enc#ng ourseles the 'ay 'e are dro((#ng our (hony struggle to change and tell#ng the truth about all o% #t can 'e create the l#es 'e hae been say#ng 'e 'ant. *h#s e3a!#nat#on o% our subconsc#ous des#re to ao#d change and o% 'hat l#es beneath the (hony struggle can get us "unstuck." It also leads to a dee(er (lace a scar#er (lace than that o% !ere struggle to change. Struggl#ng to change #s 'hat you do to h#de %ro! so!eth#ng 'orse. Struggl#ng to change #s a 'ay to ao#d %ac#ng the abyss and #% the abyss could be ao#ded #t 'ould be a good #dea. *he abys!al truth #s that eeryth#ng co!es to noth#ng. &o change !atters. )hateer you don+t hae #s only #!(or4 tant to you because you don+t hae #t. So!eth#ng you 'ant #s ery #!(ortant to you unt#l you get #t and then #t+s noth#ng a%ter a 'h#le. *h#s !oe!ent %ro! ant#c#(at#on to acco!4 (l#sh!ent to d#s#llus#on!ent #s #ne#table. All change #s %ut#le. *he alternat#e k#nd o% l#%e,conserat#e (reser#ng bel#e%s ao#d#ng change a k#nd o% stagnat#on '#th#n the (rotected bounds o% %#rst4learned conce(ts,#s an e?ually %ut#le 'ay to l#e. Both 'ays to l#e are !erely (lay#ng t#ddly'#nks be4 t'een (redoo! and (ostdoo!. )#ll#ngness to %ace the abyss 7:
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o% !ean#nglessness #s the (o'er re?u#red to acco!(l#sh change. )hateer your !a#n struggle #s #t #s #ns#gn#%#cant #n the %ace o% your deathJ #t #s (etty and un#!(ortant and has no !ean#ng at all. It #s a tale told by an #d#ot %ull o% sound and %ury s#gn#%y#ng noth#ng. Intent#on )hen 'e are locked #n a los#ng battle %or sel%4control our atte!(ts to change are !arked by e%%ort and by "try#ng." )hen 'e are 'hole the (o'er o% our #ntent#on beco!es aa#lable to us. )hat #s be#ng 'hole )hat do I !ean by "#ntent#on" Be#ng 'hole !eans #nclud#ng eeryth#ng. Be#ng 'hole #ncludes the e3(er#ence o% eternal t#!e a%ter the l#ght ca!e on #n the 'o!b the e3(er#ences o% d#%%erent#at#on and #nd#4 #duat#on that co!e '#th gro'#ng u( the current electr#cal current 'e are th#s !o!ent all our #!ag#n#ngs and %ac#ng death. Be#ng th#s 'holeness allo's %or #ntent#on to be (os4 s#ble. #ke obscen#ty #ntent#on #s hard to de%#ne but easy to recogn#5e. Each o% us has had e3(er#ences o% e%%ortless change or acco!(l#sh!ent,results that 'e (roduced so e%%ortlessly and o%ten aga#nst such odds that #t see!ed al!ost as though they 'ere done through us #nstead o% by us. It+s not that they 'eren+t+ d#%%#cult or challeng#ng. It+s that 'e 'ere so!eho' %ree to con%ront the tasks to thro' the %ull %orce o% our !#nds and bod#es #nto the! rather than so!eho' #ne3(l#4 cably held back %ro! '#th#n. Intent#on that cal!ly co!es %ro! 'holeness #s l#ke that. Peo(le 'ho hae had such an e3(er#ence o%ten re!ark "I don+t really kno' ho' I d#d #t. I 77
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/ust d#d #t. I guess I 'as /ust ready." *hey d#dn+t e3(er#ence ha#ng control oer the!seles #n ?u#te the 'ay that 'e #!ag#ne "'#ll (o'er" or "sel%4control" to 'orkJ yet there 'as neer a ?uest#on about the#r co!!#t!ent to cont#nue. It+s as though the strength o% the#r #ntent#on actually el#!#4 nated the need %or sel%4control because they 'ere no longer %#ght#ng the!seles. It 'ould hae re?u#red !ore e%%ort to sto( than to cont#nue. Once so!e dec#s#on 'as !ade #n the ?u#et (r#ate sanctuary o% the sel% by the 'hole (erson and once the 'orld 'as #n%or!ed o% that dec#s#on br#ng#ng about the certa#n outco!e 'as only a !atter o% t#!e. In s(orts th#s !ag#c %asc#nates us by the !#ll#ons as ob4 serers and by the hundreds o% thousands as (art#c#(ants. *he !ost #ncred#ble (er%or!ances that take eeryth#ng a (erson has hae the grace o% e%%ortless nonchalance. )e all hae areas o% our l#es #n 'h#ch 'e 'ork #n th#s e%%ortless (o'er4 %ully creat#e 'ay and other areas #n 'h#ch 'e struggle #!4 (otently '#thout results. *hose 'hose creat#e (o'er has been unaa#lable to the! #n an area they 'ant to change can red#scoer th#s (o'er o% #ntent#on 'hen they ser#ously take res(ons#b#l#ty %or creat#ng the#r 'hole l#es r#ght no' #n4 clud#ng the#r (hony s!okescreen struggle. Res(ons#b#l#ty Res(ons#b#l#ty !eans that 'hateer you are do#ng you are '#ll#ng to e3(er#ence yoursel% as the cause. ;ou are the source o% your troubles as 'ell as o% your successes. )hereer you are on the 'ay to reach#ng your goals,'hether you are cru#s#ng along (ulled oer to the s#de o% the road or %eel l#ke you+re go#ng back'ards,the '#ll#ngness to e3(er#ence your4 7
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sel% as res(ons#ble #s the cruc#al ele!ent o% success. As long as you are bla!#ng e3(la#n#ng a(olog#5#ng try#ng resol#ng to be good ho(#ng or %eel#ng gu#lty you are not be#ng res(on4 s#ble. Trying to e3(er#ence yoursel% as res(ons#ble 'on+t 'ork. )hat you can do #s declare yoursel% res(ons#ble and then see 'hat ha((ens t #s (oss#ble to #nterru(t the (o'er4 less ga!es 'e (lay to ao#d be#ng res(ons#ble. )hen 'e be4 g#n to #nterru(t those ga!es 'e can !oe on. One o% these ga!es #s called "Okay okay I+! gu#lty." *h#s ga!e #s to !ake #t look l#ke you hae taken res(ons#b#l4 #ty %or yoursel% 'hen you haen+t. Ad!#tt#ng you are gu#lty #s a great 'ay to ao#d be#ng res(ons#ble. *here #s a b#g d#%%er4 ence bet'een ad!#tt#ng you are gu#lty o% %a#lure or "co((#ng a (lea" and really o'n#ng your (o'er as the creator o% your l#%e. )hether you feel gu#lty or not #s #rreleant. Ad!#tt#ng you are 'rong or 'ere 'rong #s only a (relude to tak#ng res(ons#b#l#ty %or your l#%e. It #s not enough. ;ou hae to !ake a co!!#t!ent a%ter you #nterru(t th#s ga!e. A%ter you ackno'ledge that you+e been %ool#ng yoursel% by try#ng hard you hae to !ake a (ubl#c declarat#on o% 'hat you '#ll no' be res(ons#ble %or creat#ng. St#ck your neck out. Put your ass on the l#ne. *ell eerybody 'hat you are about and by 'hen you '#ll get results and ask the! to hel(. )e all kno' that co!!#t!ent #s essent#al to creat#on. )hat has been unclear #n our culture #s 'hat to do 'hen you+re not co!!#tted to anyth#ng but struggle. )hen 'e %eel (o'erless to kee( our 'ord eentually 'e sto( g##ng #t. ;our 'holeness,the e3(er#ence o% yoursel% the 'ay you are ,!ust (recede co!!#t!ent because to be anyth#ng less than your 'hole sel% #s to be tra((ed #n the !orass o% bel#e%s 213
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you hae about 'ho you are based on your case h#story. 0o!!#t!ent !ust be based on the a'areness o% 'hat is, and on the '#ll#ngness to be res(ons#ble %or ourseles the 'ay 'e are. *hat !eans #% 'e are #!(er%ect be#ngs 'ho !ake !#s4 takes break our 'ord get angry and are sel%#sh greedy (etty and un%a#r 'e !ust !ake our co!!#t!ent as those #!(er%ect be#ngs. )e s(end our l#es 'a#t#ng to get better so that 'e can acce(t ourseles. )e re%use to en/oy l#%e re%use to acce(t that 'e are loed and %org#en and re%use to tell the truth about 'ho 'e are because 'e neer ?u#te !eet our own standards. Per%ect#on#sts are (eo(le 'ho 'ould rather be the 'orst than be the second4best. Eeryone 'ho eer suc4 cess%ully !ade a change that 'orked and sered as a (lat%or! %or the ne3t d#d th#s %#rst@ they %#nally acce(ted the!seles the 'ay they 'ere. *hey gae u( the struggle to get better. *hen %#nally they 'ere %ree to change. *he source o% your h#stor#cal be#ng and the source o% your (resent be#ng #s l#ke a generator that has been constant s#nce #t started. Gett#ng back to your source #s the %#rst tech4 n#?ue %or change. )hen you (ay attent#on to the be#ng you are you '#thdra' attent#on %ro! the d#le!!as o% your !#nd. *h#s #s at the heart o% Buddh#s! ;oga edant#c Ph#los4 o(hy 0hr#st#an salat#on and other %or!s and (ract#ces o% enl#ghten!ent. )hen a Men Buddh#st s#ts and looks at a 'all %or %ourteen hours a day %or seen days #n a ro' he does #t to be able to s#t and look at a 'all. *o be able to s#t and look at a 'all and ust s#t and look at a 'all #s enl#ghten!ent. *o s#t and look at your l#%e story l#ke you 'ould s#t and look at a 'all #s to recontact your source #n the sa!e 'ay. 79
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;our heartbeat started about e#ght 'eeks a%ter the egg that beca!e you got %ert#l#5ed. ;ou tuned #n to l#%e by gro'4 #ng #nto attune!ent. *hat #s 'ho you are. *o get back #n touch '#th 'ho you are 'hen you hae been lost #n your !#nd #s to get back to your source. *h#s #s hard to do. ;ou hae to d#e to l#e. ;our "(re4 tend" sel% that doesn+t #nclude your #!(er%ect#on has to d#e. *hen you aga#n beco!e a 'hole be#ng. ;ou then hae the (o'er you hae al'ays had only no' you can use #t con4 sc#ously. *h#s #s the good l#%e. It re?u#res that you sacr#%#ce the (leasure o% cry#ng yoursel% to slee( on a greasy !attress.
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&& *HE *R*H 0HA&GES ;Thin5ing that the self must remain constant for life to have meaning is li5e falling ho$elessly in love with an inch&; , l an !a tt s
A
t the one hundredth ann#ersary o% Psychothera(y con%erence #n Phoen#3 #n Dece!ber o% 7C 8 the (sych#atr#st R.D. a#ng de!onstrated h#s thera(eut#c !ethod #n a (ubl#c coner sat#on '#t h a h o!eless ' o!an 'ho had co!e #nto a shelter o%% the streets the n#ght be%ore. a#n g and the 'o!an 'ere #n an enclosed roo! and she kne' that a #deo ca!era 'as "'atch#ng" the! and that the #deo 'as be#ng (ro/ected to a cou(le o% thousand (eo(le #n an aud#ence nearby. )hen she started talk#ng she !ade a nu!ber o% abstract theolog#cal state!ents about the nature o% the un#erse. a#ng s#!(ly engaged her #n conersat#on and sa#d 'hat he had so!et#!es thought about the sa!e sub/ects. *hey had a %a#rly (leasant conersat#on #n 'h#ch he l#stened to her and she l#stened to h#!. At the end o% the conersat#on he sa#d "I hae to go out to the aud#ence no' and talk to the (eo(le about our conersat#on" and she sa#d ")ell I+ll go '#th 7=
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you." So she ca!e out and sat ne3t to a#ng on the (anel o% e3(erts ans'er#ng ?uest#ons %ro! the %loor. As %ar as a#ng 'as concerned h#s #nteract#on '#th the 'o!an s(oke %or #tsel%. *hat 'as an e3a!(le o% 'hat thera(y #s@ engag#ng another (erson gett#ng 'ho she #s lett#ng her be and lett#ng her "get" that she has been "gotten" and #n turn lett#ng her get 'ho the thera(#st #s ho' he #s and 'hat he bel#ees. A nu!ber o% (sych#atr#sts and soc#al 'orkers and (sy4 cholog#sts #n the aud#ence #ns#sted on kno'#ng 'hat o% ther4 a(eut#c alue had ha((ened #n the #nteract#on@ ")hat d#d you do )hat 'as the result )hat 'as the e%%ect" Ho' d#d a#ng kno' he had done anyth#ng Had #t been 'orth do4 #ng )as #t go#ng to hel( her to change In res(onse a#ng s(oke !ostly o% the sel%4su%%#c#ency o% the #nteract#on assert#ng that contact bet'een he and the 'o!an had been co!(lete. As hu!an be#ngs they had con4 nected and that 'as the (o#nt. a#ng een angr#ly d#rected one (ers#stent ?uest#oner to s#t do'n and let so!eone else ask a ?uest#on because he 'as t#red o% (utt#ng u( '#th loaded ?uest#ons,?uest#ons that see!ed to #ns#st that the (o#nt o% thera(y had to be so!e goal beyond the e3(er#ence o% con4 tact. Fro! a#ng+s (o#nt o% #e' the ?uest#oner could see thera(y only as the thera(#st !an#(ulat#ng the cl#ent #nto a d#%%erent 'ay o% beha#ng. a#ng+s goal as he de!onstrated 'as s#!(ly to be (resent '#th a (erson and let the! 'ork out a 'ay o% be#ng '#th you. Su((ort#ng her #n 'ork#ng out her 'ay o% be#ng #n the 'orld he had !ade a connect#on '#th her such that 'hen he ca! e out to d#scuss the#r con4 7
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ersat#on '#th the aud#ence she ca!e along to hel( and see 'hat else there 'as to be learned. 2any o% the thera(#sts there could not understand the conersat#on to be su%%#c#ent as thera(y because they looked only %or e#dence o% change accord#ng to a certa#n conce(4 tual %ra!e'ork@ an "#!(roed" (at#ent 'ould re%or! her beha#or change her s(eech say certa#n th#ngs etc. Bondage to th#s conce(tual %ra!e'ork (reented so!e !e!bers o% the aud#ence %ro! see#ng other k#nds o% changes such as changes #n '#ll#ngness 'ay o% be#ng or rela3at#on and o(en4 ness 'h#ch 'ere clearly e#dent #n the 'o!an+s beha#or a%ter 'ork#ng '#th a#ng. *he (o#nt #s that regardless o% thera(#sts+ /udg!ents (eo(le hae already 'orked out and '#ll cont#nue to 'ork out the#r 'ays o% be#ng ! the 'orld. But the#r contact '#th the 'orld changes 'hen they are contacted. *he truth changes %or the! through be#ng heard. One creator o% the 'orld #s #n conersat#on '#th another. I agree '#th a#ng and I share h#s ob/ect#e but '#th one add#t#onal goal@ I+! #nterested #n a conersat#on about our conersat#on that #ncludes the (oss#b#l#ty o% l##ng as a creator consciously& )hen I engage #n a conersat#on #n 'h#ch I create
a connect#on '#th another (erson through l#sten#ng I 'ant to s(eak to the creator o% that conersat#on. I 'ant to talk '#th the creator be#ng and I 'ant to talk about creat#on. Peo(le #nterested ! creat#on not#ce that what they not#ce changes. A change #n not#c#ng leads to esca(e %ro! the sel%4 %ul%#ll#ng (ro(hecy o% the (re#ous sel%4and4'orld4#e' and leads #nto a ne' 'orld and th#s occurs oer and oer aga#n. 7
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S#(i(in) ($. Bein) Ali(e
)e all hae trouble stay#ng al#e as o((osed to /ust sur4 ##ng. sually unless so!eth#ng catastro(h#c occurs 'e stay #n a conce(tual 'orld and 'e hae trouble really (erce##ng. )e don+t (erce#e because 'e choose the co!%ort and secu4 r#ty o% 'hat 'e already "kno'" oer the a!b#gu#ty o% e3(e4 r#ence. )#ll#a! 0oles a teacher o% creat#e 'r#t#ng says o% h#s students@ "Students hae trouble 'r#t#ng a%ter all because they hae trouble read#ngJ they hae trouble read#ng because they don+t hearJ and they don+t hear because they don+t take t#!e to l#sten. *he sa!e d#%%#culty by the 'ay #s at the root o% the trouble they hae at be#ng eng#neers or b#olog#sts or Engl#sh !a/ors or c#t#5ens or (arents or sons or husbands."7 *o re(hrase 0ole+s te3t@ Peo(le hae trouble l##ng be4 cause they hae trouble th#nk#ngJ they hae trouble th#nk#ng because they don+t (erce#e '#th the#r sensesJ and they don+t (erce#e '#th the#r senses because they don+t #nterru(t the#r !#nds+ constant reshu%%l#ng o% 'orn4out but %a!#l#ar con4 ce(ts. *he sa!e d#%%#culty #s at the root o% the#r d#%%#culty #n. be#ng husbands '#es %athers sons daughters %r#ends and loers. *o $erceive and conce#e ane' rather than reconceive, #s the 'hole challenge. One has to re4o(en onesel% beyond (re4 conce(t#on oer and oer aga#n. It %eels l#ke dy#ng. 0o!#ng al#e al'ays %eels l#ke dy#ng because you are g##ng u( your (re#ous conce(tual or#entat#on,your (re#ous (ersonal#ty ,%or a ne' and uncerta#n beg#nn#ng. *o ?uote e.e. cu!4 !#ngs aga#n@ "2ost (eo(le %ancy a guaranteed b#rth4(roo% sa%ety su#t o% non4destruct#ble sel%lessness. I% !ost (eo(le 'ere to be born t'#ce they+d #!(robably call #t dy#ng." 7C
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;ou and I th#nk 'e hae learned %ro! e3(er#ence and that #t #s #!(ortant to re!e!ber those lessons. )e do learn %ro! e3(er#ence but those lessons are not as hel(%ul as 'e th#nk. )hat 'e !ost %re?uently do #s !ake bad record#ngs o% d#stort#ons o% e3(er#ence and get o%% on %eel#ng s!ug about the!. *hese record#ngs beco!e the /a#l o% the !#nd. *h#s !e!ory /a#l needs to be #nh#b#ted rather than #nhab#ted. In (ro!ot#ng #nh#b#t#on o% do!#nat#on by the !#nd I a! not talk#ng about so!eth#ng ne' #n h#story /ust so!e4 th#ng relat#ely ne' to 'estern h#story. ;oga 'h#ch !eans yoke,that 'h#ch connects together #ntellect and s(#r#t or be#ng and !#nd,#s (r#!ar#ly concerned '#th e3actly the to(#c 'e are no' cons#der#ng. In the !#llenn#a4old (h#loso4 (hy and (ract#ce o% yoga as su!!ar#5ed #n the ;oga Sutras o% Patan/al# counter#ng the !#nd+s d#stort#ons #s g#en the h#ghest (r#or#ty. In Sanskr#t there #s a %or! o% e!body#ng all there #s to be kno'n about any area o% study #nto 7:: sutras, or erses. *hese are short (hrases l#!#ted to about a t'o4l#ne state4 !ent organ#5ed #n a s(ec#%#c %or!. *he %#rst sutra says 'hat these sutras are all about. For e3a!(le #% 'e 'ere to (ut the 'hole body o% kno'ledge 'e call (hys#cs #nto one hundred state!ents the %#rst state!ent 'ould be "*hese are the su4 tras o% Phys#cs." *hen 'e 'ould hae CC state!ents le%t to coer all o% (hys#cs. *he second sutra #s des#gnated as the !ost co!(rehens#e oer#e' o% the 'hole o% the 'ork and (ract#ces o% the area under cons#derat#on. In our e3a!(le 'e 'ould be e3(ected #n the second sutra to say #n one state4 !ent 'hat all o% (hys#cs #s about. Patan/al# a%ter ;oga had been around %or a %e' thousand years 'rote the ;oga Sutras. 220
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By the t#!e he 'rote the ;oga Sutras !any d#%%erent !eth4 ods %or the (ract#ce o% ;oga had been deelo(ed@ 6ar!a ;oga Bakt# ;oga *antr#c ;oga 6undal#n# ;oga Hatha ;oga and so on. *hese yogas o% ser#ce loe se3 'ork (hys#cal health and the (h#loso(hy o% yoga had all undergone l#terally thousands o% years o% deelo(!ent. *he second sutra o% the ;oga Sutras the one that !ost co!(rehens#ely coers #ts sub/ect says "*he ob/ect#e o% all ;oga #s to br#ng about an inhibition of the modifications of the mind&; e!(has#s !#neV.
*he !od#%#cat#ons o% the !#nd are !e!or#es (r#nc#4 (les conclus#ons !orals and bel#e%s. *ell#ng the truth #s the (art#cular "yog+tr" (ract#ce necessary in our time to #nh#b#t the!. Gro'#ng Beyond %he Deelo(!ental Stage o% earn#ng Ho' to #e It #s okay that 'e all learned to l#e. earn#ng ho' to l#e and to '#thhold #s a necessary deelo(!ental stage cruc#al to gett#ng on #n l#%e and gett#ng around #n the 'orld. 0ogn#t#e and (ersonal#ty deelo(!ent cannot occur '#thout deelo(4 #ng essent#al ly#ng sk#lls. )e learn to condense e3(er#ence and 'e then all #nd##dually e3(er#ence the (roble! o% re4 duct#on#s!. y#ng #s a result o% reduct#on#s!,the condensa4 t#on o% !e!ory and the categor#5at#on o% e3(er#ence 'e naturally learn 'h#le gro'#ng u(. )hen 'e start th#nk#ng '#th categor#es 'e e3clude a lot o% e3(er#enceJ yet 'e need the e%%#c#ency o% th#nk#ng '#th categor#es. As 'e learn categor#es %or the sake o% e%%#c#ency 'e learn at the sa!e t#!e to ao#d e3(er#ence. A one4year4old ch#ld s#ts #n the yard and looks u( at an a#r(lane %ly#ng oer. 7
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*he ch#ld l#stens to the (lane+s sound 'atches the sun gl#nt on the '#ngs obseres #t (roceed 'atches the /et tra#l kee(s 'atch#ng the /et tra#l a%ter the (lane has d#sa((eared. *he a#r(lane gets h#s und##ded attent#on. )hen that sa!e ch#ld #s about three years old he '#ll look u( see the (lane say to h#!sel% "Oh yeah an a#r(lane" and then look do'n and go about h#s bus#ness. By th#s t#!e he has learned to categor#5e the e3(er#ence o% 'atch#ng and l#sten#ng to the a#r(lane so that he no longer has to 'atch and l#sten. &ot#c#ng an a#r4 (lane and a((ly#ng the category "a#r(lane" he then '#th4 dra's h#s attent#on %ro! h#s e3(er#ence o% the a#r(lane and (uts #t so!e'here else. *he ab#l#ty to do th#s enhances h#s e%%#c#ency. Al!ost all o% us beco!e !ore e%%#c#ent #n th#s 'ay. Other'#se 'e+d s(end all our l#es look#ng at a#r(lanes. *he (roble! #s that 'e beg#n to treat (eo(le 'ho are h#ghly un(red#ctable (heno!ena the sa!e 'ay that 'e treat the h#ghly (red#ctable (heno!enon o% an a#r(lane %l#ght. *he result #s that so!et#!es (eo(le 'e kno' do so!eth#ng ne' and un(red#ctable a%ter 'e hae sto((ed 'atch#ng and are only !an#(ulat#ng a category they re(resent. )e then end u( !#ss#ng a lot that #s ne' #n the 'orld. A ch#ld learn#ng not to 'atch an a#r(lane #s an e3a!(le o% s#!(le reduct#on#s!. E!ot#onally loaded reduct#on#s! l#ke l#ttle Ste(hen+s conclus#on #n The *oumward #ath to !is dom Wthe short story e3cer(ted #n 0ha(ter < #s the sa!e k#nd o% learn#ng '#th %eel#ngs o% hurt and anger !#3ed #n. *he e!ot#onally4loaded reduct#on#s! o% a ch#ld beco!es the (h#loso(hy o% l#%e and 'orld #e' o% the adult. *hus category syste!s %ro! the (ast eat us al#e. *hey destroy our al#eness by ca(tur#ng all o% our attent#on so that 222
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'e stare to death '#thout not#c#ng our hunger %or s#!(le contact '#th (eo(le and eeryday e3(er#ence. A%ter be#ng su%%#c#ently lost #n the nest o% categor#es 'e neer !eet any4 one ne'. )e only !eet re(resentat#es o% (eo(le 'e used to kno'. !e learn to hate $eo$le for reminding us of stereoty$es that e%isted in our own minds before we met them, and we never meet
anyone new, and 'e stare to death %ro! lonel#ness. Selfi*a)e s. Self )hat are 'e talk#ng about 'hen 'e s(eak o% our
"seles" )hat do the 'ords !ean '#th 'h#ch 'e try to descr#be our so4called "seles" 2y o'n sel% #s #ndescr#bable. So #s yours. 2y descr#(t#on o% !ysel% #s not !y sel% any!ore than a descr#(t#on o% a rose #s a rose. As *#! Gall'ey says #n the 1nner ame of olf: "A sel%4#!age #s only a (#cture o% a real sel%. $ust as a (hotogra(h #s a t'o4d#!ens#onal re(resen4 tat#on o% so!eth#ng three d#!ens#onal and cannot ca(ture eery deta#l or (ers(ect#e o% the ob/ect #tsel% our sel%4#!age can neer enco!(ass our true (otent#al."9 Ha#ng an #!age o% 'ho 'e are and ho' 'e should behae #s a great constra#nt on us. Esca(e %ro! the !#nd ha((ens #n s(#te o% rather than because o% our sel%4#!age 'hether #t+s a good one or a bad one. Anyone 'ho th#nks a good sel%4#!age #s #!(ortant #s %ull o% sh#t. I% you hae a (sychothera(#st 'ho tells you that #t #s go %#nd another one. *he only 'ay you can tell the truth 'hen talk#ng about your so4called "sel% #s to re(ort #t as an #!age you hae. ;ou are an #!ag#nary (erson to yoursel%. ;ou+d l#ke %or other (eo(le to #!ag#ne you the 'ay you 'ant the! to. ;ou s(end a lot o% t#!e scul(t#ng your #!age #n the eyes and !#nds o% 223
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others. It #s an #nterest#ng ga!e but #% #t beco!es the (o#nt o% l##ng #t #s a 'aste o% l#%e. It #s #n obed#ence to the rules o% th#s ga!e that (eo(le lose the (lay%ul %reedo! that had the! start (lay#ng ga!es #n the %#rst (lace. )hen you are talk#ng about yoursel% you can+t be tell#ng the truth about anyth#ng but an #!ag#n#ng you hae. Descr#(t#e 'ords eoke %eel#ngs that co!e and then go a'ay. *hus een 'hen you s(eak honestly #n any g#en !o4 !ent by descr#b#ng 'hat you are e3(er#enc#ng #t o%ten be4 co!es no longer true. *h#s can be %rustrat#ng but the truth o% e3(er#ence #s naturally e(he!eral. It+s so 2eet#ng #n %act that language can+t kee( u( '#th #t. So 'hen you descr#be your e3(er#ence and the truth changes %or you you can be sure you hae s(oken the truth een though you also kno' that 'hat you /ust sa#d #s no longer true. A good e3a!(le o% th#s #s (eo(le 'ho "%all #n loe" but then hae #t go 'rong %or the!. $ohn loed 2ary #n 7C= !ore than h#s o'n l#%e and she loed h#!. the sa!e. In 7CC: they got d#orced. )hat ha((ened #n bet'een *hey 'ere bl#ss%ully together %or a three4day 'eekend #n 2arch they !ade loe seen t#!es they %easted on loe and 'ere ha((#er than e#ther could re!e!ber eer ha#ng been. *hey 4an%ed to hold on to that re!e!bered bl#ss. *hey 'anted to do 'hateer they could to take care o% each other and to e3(ress grat#tude and 'ork to kee( that loe al#e. *hey d#dn+t eer 'ant that to change. &o' and then they had so!e e3(er#4 ences together that d#dn+t ?u#te l#e u( to that standard. *ry4 #ng to !ake #t all l#ke #t used to be eentually deoled #nto an obl#gat#on %or 'h#ch they began to resent each other. *he 'onder%ul beg#nn#ng beca!e a bas#s %or co!(ar#son. $ohn 224
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s#ts around #n bars no' l#sten#ng to Hank )#ll#a!s s#ng#ng ")hy don+t you loe !e l#ke you used to do )hy do you treat !e l#ke a 'orn4out shoe" *o! Robb#ns sa#d #n )till Life with !ood$ec5er, that the ?uest#on o% the age 'as "Ho' do you !ake loe stay"8 ;ou don+t. ;ou let #t co!e and go. *hen there #s a ne' o(en#ng %or ne' loe. Other'#se the s(ace %or loe no longer e3#sts be#ng occu(#ed '#th ashes and bullsh#t. )hen you s(eak descr#(t#ely about a (resent4tense e34 (er#ence and #t changes you hae s(oken the truth. It+s okay that #t #s no longer true. Don+t 'orry about #t. It #s the 'ay th#ngs are and #t #s %#ne that they are that 'ay. It+s !ore %un and less bor#ng than try#ng to kee( track o% eeryth#ng. It+s called %reedo!. *h#s e3(er#ence o% %reedo! #s no b#g acco!(l#sh!ent at all to non4!#nded be#ngs. Dogs run %ree. *hey don+t hae consc#ousness o% %reedo! because they hae noth#ng to !ea4 sure #t by no un%reedo! to co!(are #t '#th no #deals or #!ages o% (er%ect dogdo! to ha!(er the! unless they are (art#cularly 'ell4tra#ned #n obed#ence. ucky %or us %reedo! stands out dra!at#cally aga#nst the background o% dr##ng ourseles cra5y '#th our !#nds 'h#ch o% course 'e hae to learn ho' to do #n order to gro' u(. *he (oss#b#l#ty created by ha#ng been enslaed by a !#nd #s that one can learn to a((rec#ate %reedo!. )hen one has learned to a((rec#ate %reedo! the 'orld beco!es a (lace o% creat#on rather than a !#nd4s!othered (lace. *he !#nd beco!es the ene!y that has been de%eated and !ade an ally.
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& *HE SO&G OF *HE BE &I0OR& 3airy Tale by 0arol 2ason7U
O
nce u(on a t#!e there 'as a Blue n#corn. It had large blue eyes and a long blue ta#l and a %#ne blue horn. *he Blue n#corn ha d been al#e %or as long as #t could re!e!ber and %or as long as #t could re!e!ber #t had neer seen another creature such as #tsel%. *he Blue n#corn l#ed #n the land 'h#ch #t ca!e to kno' as the and o% Br#ght 2eado's 'here #t (ranced #n the grass and %r#sked #n the %lo'ers and (layed '#th all the !eado' creatures. Ha((y 'ere the days o% the Blue n#corn #n that !erry land and sa%e 'ere #ts n#ghts. But there 'as a ga( so!eho' bet'een the Blue n#4 corn and the and o% Br#ght 2eado's #n 'h#ch #t l#edJ so!eth#ng 'h#ch the land had and the Blue n#corn had not. A sound #n the a#r o% the and o% Br#ght 2eado's that the Blue n#corn hal%4heard hal%4%elt but could neer ?u#te U 0o(yr#ght 7C=8 by 0arol 2ason.
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understand@ a green and 'h#s(er#ng sound,l#ke the sound o% a seed so%tly st#rr#ng #ts 'ay %ro! )#nter to S(r#ng. ")hat #s that sound" asked the Blue n#corn. "It #s the sound o% our s#ng#ng" re(l#ed the and o% Br#ght 2eado's. "O% 'hat do you s#ng" asked the Blue n#corn. !e live and grow towards the sun, To slee$ is easy, to wa5e is fun, Life
, 4ec aus e is good and life is long we Hue we sing our song&
")e s#ng the Song o% ##ng" re(l#ed the and o% Br#ght 2eado's. *he Blue n#corn l#stened once !ore and then tr#ed to s#ng the Song o% ##ng. But the only sound that #t could !ake 'as a crackl#ng (a(ery sound,l#ke the sound o% a dry husk (eel#ng %ro! a bulb. And the and o% Br#ght 2eado's !ur!ured #n sy!(athy and 'onder. "*each !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n#corn. "Our song #s ours you !ust %#nd your o'n" re(l#ed the and o% Br#ght 2eado's. ")e are 'e and you are alone." "So!e'here so!e'here there !ust be another crea4 ture /ust l#ke !e 'ho can teach !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n#corn. *he Blue n#corn le%t the and o% Br#ght 2eado's and ca!e to the and o% Dee( Forest 'here %orest creatures nes4 tled and burro'ed and tall trees stretched dark aboe. *he 227
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Blue n#corn 'andered #n and out o% the da!( !oss and da((led da((led bracken to'ards to'ards the heart o% the and o% Dee( For4 est and as #t d#d so #t heard aga#n the sound #t no' kne' to call +s#ng#ng+@ a bro'n and elet sound l#ke the sound o% a root del#ng %or 'ater. "O% 'hat do you s#ng" asked the Blue n#corn. Towards the sun we live and grow, )ecrets of sa$ and seed we 5now& !e cannot share share what we have learnt , 8nowledge w on is 5nowledge earnt&
")e s#ng the Song o% )#sdo!" re(l#ed the and o% Dee( Forest. *he Blue n#corn l#stened once !ore and then tr#ed to s#ng the Song o% )#sdo!. But the only sound that #t could !ake 'as the sound o% a s#gh,l#ke the sound a lea% !akes as #t %lutters %ro! Autu!n to )#nter. And the and o% Dee( Forest rustled #n sy!(athy and 'onder. "*each !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n #corn. "Our song #s ours you !ust %#nd your o'n" re(l#ed the and o% Dee( Forest. ")e are 'e and you are alone." "So!e'here so!e'here there !ust be another crea4 ture /ust l#ke !e 'ho '#ll teach !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n#corn. And the Blue n#corn le%t the and o% Dee( Forest Forest and ca!e to the and o% Bare 2ounta#ns 'here ast and anc#ent chas!s d##ded each lo%ty range 'here no tree gre' and no b#rd b#r d %le' % le' and no shelte she lterr 'as ' as there the re %ro! %ro ! stor! sto r! or n#ght. n#g ht.
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H#gher and h#gher cl#!bed the Blue n#corn strug4 gl#ng to reach the h#ghest (eaks and as #t d#d so #t heard aga#n the sound that #t no' kne' to call +s#ng#ng+@ a tr#u!4 (hant r#ng#ng sound,l#ke the sound a (#nnacle !akes as #t (#erces (#er ces the '#de sky. "O% 'hat do you s#ng" asked the Blue n#corn. !e live and grow towards the sun, lone and $roud, $ roud, the wea5 we shun& s hun& 3earing nothing, nothing, our hearts hearts embrace 4oth grief gri ef o time t ime and oy of s$ace&
")e s#ng the Song o% Freedo!." *he Blue n#corn l#stened once !ore and then tr#ed to s#ng the Song o% Freedo!. But the only sound that #t could !ake 'as a (a#n%ul !oan#ng sound,l#ke the sound the '#nd !akes as #t searches bleak crags %or so!e'here to rest. And the and o% Bare 2ounta#ns echoed #n sy!(athy and 'onder. "*each !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n#corn. "Our song #s ours you !ust %#nd your o'n" re(l#ed the and o% Bare 2ounta#ns. ")e are 'e and you are alone." "So!e'here so!e'here there !ust be another crea4 ture /ust l#ke !e 'ho '#ll teach !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n#corn. And the Blue n#corn le%t the and o% Bare 2ounta#ns and ca!e to the and o% )h#te Sands 'here not ra#n nor '#nd nor cloud ru%%led4 the glo'#ng a#r. And the Blue n#corn entered #nto the sound #t no' kne' to call +s#ng#ng+@ a sound 229
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as %ull and as r#ch as the beat o% the Blue n#corn+s blue heart ,the sou sound nd o% o % s#lenc s# lence. e. "O% 'hat do you s#ng" asked the Blue n#corn. And the and o% )h#te Sands re(l#ed@ +nder the sun we rest and 5now !hile we are still, all else can grow& )ilence )ilence dwells behind each soundA 1n that we trust, our song we
")e s#ng the Song o% Peace." *he Blue n#corn l#stened once !ore and then tr#ed to s#ng the Song o% Peace but the and o% )h#te Sands sh#ered '#th sy!(athy and 'onder to hear not s#ng#ng but the dee( and a'%ul sound o% des(a#r. "*each !e to s#ng" sa#d the Blue n#corn. "Our song #s ours you !ust %#nd your o'n" re(l#ed the and o% )h#te Sands. ")e are 'e and you are alone." *he Blue n#corn s(eckled the 'h#te sand '#th blue tears and sa#d@ "So!e'here so!e'here there !ust be another crea4 ture /ust l#ke !e 'ho '#ll teach !e to s#ng." And the Blue n#corn le%t the and o% )h#te Sands and ca!e to the and o% 0lear )aters 'h#ch stretched sh#!!er4 #ng to the edge o% the 'orld. )eary 'as the Blue n#corn '#th a dee( 'ear#ness that !ade the ery !arro' o% #ts bones bon es to ache. ach e. And the Blue n#corn n#c orn rested rest ed a 'h#le 'h#l e at the and o% 0lear )aters l#sten#ng to the gentle la((#ng sound #t no' kne' to call +s#ng#ng.+ 230
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*he Blue n#corn lo'ered #ts head to dr#nk but as #t d#d so #t ?u#ered '#th sudden 'onder and /oy to see #n the 'ater belo' another anoth er creature cre ature,/ust ,/ust l#ke l# ke #tsel%1 #tse l%1 "O teach !e to s#ng1" cr#ed the Blue n#corn. *hen #ts heart sto((ed to hear that the creature belo' had cr#ed een so. And the cry 'as %ollo'ed by s#lence. *hen the and so%tly sang@ s the t he blue of our o ur water w aterss is the blue of the t he s5y Your own self you see, to yourself you cry& nd what you would learn you always 5new 3or you are us and we are you& !e are the !aters of Love /f us we bid you to drin5& !ith us we bid you to sing& sin g&
And the song o% the Blue n#corn 'as e3actly the sa!e and ?u#te unl#ke eery song that 'as eer sung.
<7
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+! #n loe '#th the #nde(endent #nde(endent be#ng that+s #n the back4 ground '#tness#ng the !#nd+s !oral#s! and thoughts and (r#nc#(les and #deas and e3(er#ences. All hu!an (roble!s occur '#th#n the conte3t o% th#s '#tness be#ng 'ho #e's the body+s e3(er#ences the ongo#ng (ano(ly o% l#%e and the !#nd #tsel%. *h#s be#ng #ncludes eeryth#ng 'e eer thought and eeryone 'e used to th#nk 'e 'ere but #s not l#!#ted to those thoughts and #!ages. )hen 'e ado(t the (ers(ect# (ers( ect#ee o% that '#tness '#tne ss as our o'n that #s 'hen each eac h o% us cons#ders cons#ders oursele ourseless to be that '#tness 'e then hae the %reedo! to use all o% the "2Es" #n our !#nds+ "#!ages" sect#on to !ake ha((en 'hateer 'e 'ant to !ake ha((en #n our l#es. And th#s ne' '#der sense o% 'ho 'e are leaes us be#ng !ore creat#e and !ore '#ll#ng to %ly by the seat o% our (ants. *hat '#tness s#ts ?u#etly be#ng the conte3t '#th#n 'h#ch the !#nd struggles and o((resses #tsel%. *he !#nd+s 232
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(r#!ary #nterest #ntere st #s control contro l 'h#le the '#tness '#tne ss #s !ore #nter4 #nter 4 ested #n reelat#on than #n control. *he '#tness #s al'ays there but o%ten 'hen (eo(le %#rst co!e to see !e #n thera(y su%%er#ng %ro! the o((ress#on o% the#r o'n !#nds that '#t4 ness #s so surrounded by !#nd4stu%% that both the be#ng and the !#nd are dy#ng. *h#s '#tness4creator4be#ng 'h#ch #ncludes '#th#n #tsel% the un#?ue case h#story (ersonal#ty o(erates d#%%erently than. your aerage $o. For e3a!(le th#s be#ng 'ould only be #n a !arr#age as a !atter o% cho#ce and not as a !atter o% secur#ty. She 'ouldn+t be engaged #n a relat#onsh#( based on a (ro!#se %ro! %ro! the the other other (ers (erson on not to hurt hurt her her %eel# %eel#ngs ngs.. *hat *hat e34 e34 (anded4to4th (ande d4to4the4'#dt e4'#dth4o%4th h4o%4the4'#tne e4'#tness ss be#ng #s ca(able ca(ab le o% say4 #ng "I+! here on th#s (lanet %or e3(er#enc#ng and I 'ant to be a. creator cre ator not a #ct#!. #c t#!. I+! '#ll#ng '#ll #ng to learn lear n and kee( kee ( learn#ng. I a! '#ll#ng to e3(er#!ent '#th l#%e. I a! !ore #nterested #n d#scoery than care%ulness. I can de(end on !y alertness !ore than !y certa#nty that I+! r#ght. I a! !ore #nterested #n learn#ng than #n ( rotect#on." rotect#on." At th#s leel o% consc#ousness #t doesn+t !atter a lot 'hether the soc#al arrange!ents e3(er#!ented e3(er#!ented '#th are !o4 noga!ous (olyga!ous co!!un#st ca(#tal#st or soc#al#st. It doesn+t !atter 'hether the (erson #n bed ne3t to us #s a stranger or #s the (erson 'e+e sle(t '#th %or !ost o% the (ast ten years. *he encounter o% t'o be#ngs #s 'hat loe #s. At th#s leel o% be#ng 'here loe #s one4n#ght stands are /ust as good as l#%et#!e relat#onsh#(s. *he (lace 'here energy #s s#!4 (ly (lay#ng '#th our bod#es or 'here the be#ngs that 'e are (lay (la y '#th each eac h other oth er #s a n#ce n#c e (lace (lac e and you can go there the re '#th anybody any t#!e. 233
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2y Fr#ends I stand as one a!ong !any. A 'hole bunch o% us no' kno' that #t #s !ore %un to be al#e than to be r#ght. )e hae lost our !#nds and co!e to our senses enough t#!es to kno' 'hat the goal #s. )hen 'e are at our best 'e are rad#cals, !ean#ng 'e get at the root o% th#ngs. )e create. )e tell the truth. )e get off on destroy#ng (retense. )e hae a technol4 ogy o% creat#on based on g##ng u( l#es and start#ng oer aga#n oer and oer aga#n. )e can teach by e3a!(le. )e are an ant#dote to the (o#son o% conent#onal educa4 t#on 'e hae all rece#ed. )e '#sh to !ake us all !ore l#ke an#!als. )e are st#ll angry but 'e are less angry than the cal!4look#ng (hon#es 'ho hae control o% the bo!b. )e are less bl#nded by anger than your aerage (athet#c rat#onal#5#ng !#serable bastard engaged #n the nor!al (ol#t#cs o% e3(er#4 ence. )e are the ne' teachers. )e are out to sae the 'orld. )e are aga#nst (ol#teness as a subst#tute %or the truth because that (ol#teness k#lls. Pol#teness and d#(lo!acy are res(ons#ble %or !ore su%%er#ng and death than all the cr#!es o% (ass#on #n h#story. Fuck (ol#teness. Fuck d#(lo!acy. *ell the truth. I hae one o% the best /obs #n the 'orld. *he o((ortu4 n#ty g#en !e to contr#bute to other (eo(le by l#sten#ng to the#r struggle bet'een be#ng and !#nd #s a great g#%t because #t g#es !e the o((ortun#ty to (ract#ce !y o'n ongo#ng l#berat#on. )hen I+! o(erat#ng out o% that "thank you %or lett#ng !e #n on your l#%e" I+! a great thera(#st. )hen I+!. (ay#ng attent#on '#th honor and '#th #nterest I neer hae to th#nk o% 'hat to say. )hateer co!es out o% !e doesn+t see! to co!e %ro! !e. It co!es %ro! us. )hen s(eak#ng 234
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co!es out o% l#sten#ng rather than the reerse I a! l#berated %ro! !y !#nd /ust as !uch as they are %ro! the#rs. 'i$$iona#y "o#;5 The O#)ani?in) P#inci,le o% %he Ne4ly Sa(ed I% should co!e as no sur(r#se that I reco!!end hel(#ng
other (eo(le as a !ethod o% stay#ng a'ake. S#nce !e!or#54 #ng the idea o% l#berat#on k#lls l#berat#on you hae to do so!eth#ng other than !e!or#5e and re!e!ber to kee( be4 #ng l#berated. )hat kee(s you l#berated #s #nteract#on '#th other (eo(le #nterested #n stay#ng #n contact '#th the#r %un4 da!ental nature as be#ngs and be#ng honored by the o((or4 tun#ty they (ro#de you 'hen they allo' you to contr#bute to the! #n th#s 'ay. So the %#rst th#ng you 'ant to do to kee( al#e #s %#nd a "!#ss#onary grou(" that #s go#ng about the bus#ness o% l#bera4 t#on %ro! the !#nd. *he %uture o% your thera(y and o% ther4 a(y #tsel% #s #n co!!un#ty. A co!!un#ty organ#5ed around (eo(le hel(#ng the !seles and other (eo(le be l#berated %ro! the#r !#nds #s your best bet. *hese grou(s (ro#de a ser#ce not only to each other but to (eo(le 'ho could 'ell use the#r ser#ces but don+t kno' #t yet. *he k#nd o% grou( I reco!!end #s one #n 'h#ch the (eo(le don+t see! to be #n too b#g o% a hurry. Y,,ie Sal(a%ion5 Relief f#o* %he An9ie%y of Too 'any Choice$
)e are all ery busy these days. *echnology run a!ok creates ne' (oss#b#l#t#es by the do5ens eery day. It+s a lot o% 235
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%un but 'e 'ear ourseles out try#ng to e3(er#ence everything 'hen eeryth#ng #s too (lent#%ul to be e3(er#enced. ;ou and I are al'ays !#ss#ng so!eth#ng and '#sh#ng 'e 'eren+t and al'ays %eel#ng that real l#%e #s 'here 'e+re not. )heneer 'e are do#ng anyth#ng 'e are missing eeryth#ng else. 0o!!erc#als #n our o'n !#nds constantly 'h#s(er to us o% so!eth#ng else 'e should be do#ng@ 'atch#ng * (lay#ng the gu#tar go#ng out to eat (lay#ng #deo ga!es s#tt#ng on the %ront deck s#tt#ng on the back deck eat#ng %ood dr#nk4 #ng alcohol s!ok#ng do(e ha#ng a !eet#ng (lay#ng gol% runn#ng 'ork#ng etc. *h#s 'h#s(er goes on day and n#ght@ a background consc#ent#ousness that bugs the sh#t out o% us. It says ")h#le you are do#ng th#s you are !#ss#ng all the rest." Ho' do you cal! do'n enough to re4contact be#ng #n the !#dst o% all th#s I constantly %ret about books and !o#es I !#ss or a! !#ss#ng or !#ght !#ss or should not !#ss. Ho' !uch !ore #s there to kno' than I '#ll eer learn It boggles the !#nd. I a! greedy,I a! hyster#cally greedy,I a! so #!(at#ent I a! hardly here at all. *here #s already more to be learned than can be learned&
*he accu!ulat#on o% other hu!an be#ngs+ creat#e (roducts no' aa#lable to us has a!ounted to !ore than 'e can eer use. It+s (o#ntless %or us to aa#l ourseles o% all learn#ng o((ortun#t#es or o% all act##t#es o% #nterest. )e %ree5e u( %ro! try#ng not to d#e #n too !any 'ays. )e hae to let go o% (oss#b#l#t#es %or the %uture as 'ell as !e!or#es %ro! the (ast. !e burn out from holding on to $ossibilities for the future, in ust the same way we deaden ourselves by trying to hold on to and live u$ to images and values from the $ast& )e 'ork /ust as
<=
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hyster#cally to kee( the %uture al#e as 'e do 'hen 'e try 0o kee( the (ast al#e. )e are (araly5ed at the (o#nt o% cho#ce@ 'e cannot say "yes" %or all the "no"s re?u#red #n order to do so. )e can+t or#ent ourseles '#thout drea!s and 'e choke the l#%e out o% ourseles 'hen 'e are tra((ed #n the!. )e een hae drea!s about 'hat neer 'as but could be and then co!(are ho' 'e l#e to those #deal drea!s. )e need drea!s to %urn#sh ourseles '#th #deas %or act#on but re!a#n (araly5ed #n #nact#on. On the one hand 'e get a l#ttle (eace no' and then 'hen 'e esca(e our !#nd+s constant ealuat#on and on the other 'e need that constant reassess4 !ent to get on #n the 'orld and to get the th#ngs 'e 'ant. *hen 'hen 'e do create so!eth#ng #t neer l#es u( to the drea! %ro! 'h#ch #t ca!e. Buddha 'as r#ght the su%%er#ng #s bu#lt #n. I% 'e don+t rescue ourseles %ro! our #ntense attach4 !ent to too !any e3(ectat#ons 'e+ll cont#nue to be con4 trolled by the an3#ety o% !ult#(le cho#ces,go#ng cra5y %ro! too !any o(t#ons. Drea!/a!. )e+ll go nu!b %ro! (oss#b#l#4 t#es. Eery t#!e you !ake u( your !#nd to say yes to one th#ng you hae to dec#de at the sa!e t#!e to say no to %orty others. Say#ng no to %orty (oss#b#l#t#es /ust to say yes to one #s a (a#n #n the ass. Ho' d#d 'e get to drea!/a! Does #t hae anyth#ng to do '#th 'hat #s real Ho' d#d 'e get so %ar re!oed %ro! necess#ty to beco!e co!(letely lost #n the conersat#ons o% the !#nd Res#stance to l#!#t#ng the %uture by co!!#t!ent ,to one (ro/ect to the e3clus#on o% others or to one (erson to the e3clus#on o% others,#s the s#ckness o% our t#!e. *he !#nd 'ants e#ther the certa#nty o% #ts o'n trad#t#on or #t 237
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'ants the ho(e o% l#!#tless acco!(l#sh!ent #n the %uture. *hus the !#nd #!(oses l#!#ts and hates l#!#tat#ons. )e are ho#st on our o'n (etards. )e are da!ned #% 'e do and da!ned #% 'e don+t %oreer tra((ed by our atte!(ts to re#4 #%y the (ast or vivify a ne' %uture that e3cludes other (os4 s#b#l#t#es. Ho' do 'e rescue ourseles )e hae to ackno'ledge the bu#lt4#n nature o% our su%%er#ng,acce(t both the o#ce that tells us 'e+re not do#ng enough and the %act that 'e '#ll neer be able to do all that 'e 'ant to do,and act any'ay. )e !ust acce(t and a%%#r! the sacr#%#ce o% alternat#es and take the (a#n. *here are no short cuts As I !ent#oned be%ore 'hen 'e hu!ans %#gured out the #dea o% haul#ng o%% our re%use #t saed !ore l#es than anyth#ng else #n the h#story o% !ed#c#ne. )e can do the sa!e no' '#th the garbage o% the !#nd. E3(ectat#ons (lans and ho(es %or the %uture '#ll st#ll o#ce the!seles but #nstead o% beco!#ng oer'hel!ed 'e can %ocus on choos#ng a %e' and d#scard#ng the rest and then act#ng only on 'hat 'e hae chosen. *he good ne's #s that 'hen 'e choose act and let ourseles be the ya!!er#ng o#ce o% #n%#n#te cho#ce %ades. It !ay st#ll be there but #ts hold oer us d#es. )e need to kno' ho' to let all the good and bad #!ages go 'hether they are %ro! the (ast or %ro! the %uture. And 'e need to let all the good and bad %eel#ngs assoc#ated '#th those #!ages d#e. et not only anger hurt and bad %eel#ngs d#e but let loe d#e too. )hen e#ther loe or hate d#es loe can be born aga#n. *hat #s (art#cularly good ne's and !ay be 'hat $esus 'as talk#ng about. It+s (robably the !ean#ng o% the Resurrect#on@ loe d#es to be reborn. )hen 'e let d#e our attach!ents to re4 <
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!e!brances e3(ectat#ons !oral #!(erat#es ealuat#ons co!(ar#sons sel%4#!ages bel#e%s about ho' others should behae #deals and een ro!ance 'e !ake ourseles clear4 #ngs %or loe+s reb#rth. oe #s be#ng '#de o(en to the (res4 ent not blocked by nostalg#a %or so!e !e!ory o% the (ast or ant#c#(at#on o% so!e ne' loe o% the %uture. oe o% another (erson ha((ens only #n a !o!ent. oe #s neer ha#ng to say anyth#ng. Ho' do 'e d#e to all the e!ot#onal attach!ents o% the !#nd *he /ob #n stay#ng al#e #s al'ays to detach ourseles %ro! our conce(tsJ (art#cularly o#r conce(ts o% how things are, who we are and how we should behave&
Ho4 Thin)$ A#e &one o% us are eer really look#ng at ho' #t #s out there. I hae !y #e' o% "ho' th#ngs are." ;ou hae your #e' o%
"ho' th#ngs are." )e hae to de(end #n case o% d#sagree4 !ent on another nut l#ke ourseles -a %r#end thera(#st or /udge '#th so!e other #e' o% "ho' th#ngs are" to arb#trate %or us. And #t+s no acc#dent that "arb#trate" co!es %ro! the sa!e root 'ord as arb#trary. *he truth #s none o% us eer kno' 'hat #s go#ng on. )e /ust agree to hae bel#e%s #n co!!on as a 'ay o% kee(#ng th#ngs together. It+s a!a5#ng ho' 'e co(y each other+s #e's so +'ell that 'e can hae such organ#5ed l##ng. It+s also (retty a!a5#ng ho' grou(s o% us are '#ll#ng to de%end to the death our #nter(retat#ons aga#nst other grou(s+ #nter(retat#ons or (un#sh "crooked" #nter(retat#ons '#th#n our o'n grou(s. It+s a!a5#ng because there #s really no 'ay to tell #% "out there" #s out there or not. But 'hateer #t #s #t+s all created by #nd##dual be#ngs 'ho 239
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then get together and agree 'hat to call #t. Assu!#ng that see#ng hear#ng s!ell#ng and so on are che!#cal react#ons #n organ#s!s then each #nd##dual organ#s! as I argued #n 0ha(ter One #s the creator o% the 'orld. )e hae to see #% our creat#ons agree '#th each other by do#ng a lot o% cross4 check#ng #n the course o% gro'#ng u(. Een then /ust at the (erce(tual leel #t+s hard to get agree!ent a!ong (eo(le about 'hat the 'orld really #s and 'hat #t #s l#ke. Sc#ence #s a %or!al atte!(t to agree on the cr#ter#a 'e are '#ll#ng to acce(t as a bas#s o% agree!ent #n adance o% any agree!ents. In that 'ay the la's and agreed4u(on assu!(t#ons o% sc#ence are /ust l#ke the la's and agreed4u(on assu!(t#ons o% the .S. 0onst#tut#on. )e hu!ans hae s(ent a lot o% t#!e and energy %or the (ast seeral thousand years try#ng to get clear on our agree!ents about (erce(t#on and our agree!ents about alue. Peo(le k#ll each other by the !#nute oer 'hat #t all !eans. *he solut#on (robably 'on+t eer be /ust ha#ng e4 eryone bel#ee the sa!e th#ng. Instead o% 'ork#ng to'ard co!!onal#ty o% #e's 'e need to 'ork to'ard co!!on acce(tance o% the (r#nc#(le o% ar#ety. )e need a ar#ety o% 'ays to look at ho' th#ngs are because ult#!ately 'e hae a better chance o% su((ort#ng each other '#th a lot o% 'ays o% #e'#ng th#ngs. It !ay %eel less secure than #% eeryone agrees on 'hat #s true but the %eel#ng o% secur#ty #s /ust that,a %eel#ng not the real th#ng. ess secure #s o%ten !ore rel#able. I% there #s not enough ar#ety (resered #n the gardens o% #llus#on about "ho' th#ngs are" then so!e ers#on o% =@ total#tar#an#s! '#ll co!e true. *h#s scenar#o #s al!ost as bad as the !ore trag#c one o% be#ng blo'n a'ay or dy#ng o% 240
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(o#son I th#nk co!!unal acce(tance o% a ar#ety o% #llus#ons '#th less !urderous de%ense o% bel#e% #s a better solut#on. Bel#e%s About )ho )e *h#nk )e Are In order to render ourseles %#t %or such a co!!un#ty o% acce(tance o% !ult#ar#ant 'e#rdos 'e need to destroy 'ho 'e th#nk 'e are. )ho 'e generally th#nk 'e are #s our "re(utat#ons to ourseles." )e th#nk 'e are our !e!ory o% our (ast act#ons att#tudes and re!e!bered records. *hat+s not 'ho 'e are but #t takes a lot o% learn#ng and energy to d#scoer that /ust as #t took a lot o% energy and learn#ng to bu#ld that (#cture %or ourseles #n the %#rst (lace. *he energy re?u#red %or be#ng 'ho 'e really are,%ull (ersons,co!es %ro! burn#ng all the bullsh#t bel#e%s you bu#lt your !#nd out o%. Fortunately s#nce one+s !#nd #s a constant bullsh#t gener4 ator there #s an unl#!#ted su((ly o% %uel. )hen 'e are try#ng to (rotect and (resere our #!age o% 'ho 'e are !uch o% our t#!e #s s(ent #n 'orry#ng. )hen 'e try to #!(roe our #!age !uch o% our t#!e #s s(ent #n %antasy. A lot o% us get to the (lace 'here 'orry or %antasy are the only t'o cho#ces 'e hae. ;ou go cra5y 'hen 'orry and %antasy are your only t'o o(t#ons. *eath of a )alesman
c#de as a last4d#tch e%%ort to !atch h#s o'n sel%4#!age #s a good e3a!(le o% the des(a#r o% gradually %all#ng #nto %antasy out o% 'orry and cutt#ng loose %ro! e3(er#ence. In order to sur#e '#th enough san#ty not to k#ll ourseles 'e !ust learn to get lost #n another (lace. *hat (lace #s e3(er#ence. )e need to get lost #n e3(er#ence and entranced by /ust 97
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l##ng and gett#ng around and do#ng (hys#cal th#ngs #n the 'orld. Act##ty #n one d#!ens#on o% the a'areness cont#nuu! allo's %or rest #n the others. *he d#!ens#on o% the a'areness cont#nuu! #n 'h#ch 'orry#ng and %antasy res#de #s called the !#nd. *he t'o other d#!ens#ons o% a'areness 'h#ch I la4 beled earl#er are res(ect#ely "'hat you not#ce in your body r#ght no'" and "'hat you not#ce outside your body r#ght no'." *hese t'o other as(ects are categor#5eable as "all (resent4tense e3(er#ence." *he good l#%e #s be#ng able to (lay #n all areas o% the a'areness cont#nuu! '#th %ull concentra4 t#on and to alternate 'here you (ut your attent#on at '#ll. Play#ng gol% %or e3a!(le g#es so!e 4'orr#ers a chance to get lost #n so!eth#ng else other than 'orry. It doesn+t hel( #% they start 'orry#ng about the gol% ga!e but #t hel(s a lot #% they get lost #n the ga!e rather than the 'orry. A !a/or %ocus o% any 'orth'h#le (sychothera(y #s an atte!(t to rea'aken th#s ab#l#ty to get lost #n e3(er#ence by rea'aken#ng not#c#ng. One o% the %#rst th#ngs to not#ce #s that 'orry and %antasy 'h#ch are t'#ns hae ca(tured all o% your attent#on. *he second th#ng to not#ce #s that 'hen you aren+t 'orry#ng or %antas#5#ng there #s st#ll so!eth#ng le%t. Along '#th 'orry co!es "%eel#ng bad." So!e (eo(le beco!e g#%ted #n gett#ng consc#ous o% %eel#ng bad. Feel#ng bad on (ur(ose ha!!#ng u( %eel#ng bad and dee(en#ng the gloo! to not#ce !ore about ho' one does #t can lead to learn#ng ho' to loe the blues. Allo'#ng yoursel% to %eel bad gets you oer #t (art#cularly #% at the sa!e t#!e you unload a bunch o% secrets. I% you are 'orr#ed your !other4#n4la' '#ll %#nd out you s!oke (ot tell her. ;ou 'on+t hae that 'orry 242
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any!ore you+ll %eel better you+ll get so!e ne' (roble!s and you !ay %#nd out that !ore #s (er!#ss#ble that you+e eer #!ag#ned. So!et#!es a k#nd o% dee( brood#ng beco!es en/oyable l#ke hear#ng a dee( bass note. )hen you really get #nto the blues you start %eel#ng good. )hen you sto( res#st#ng 'orry4 #ng 'orry beco!es less 'orr#so!e and '#ll#ngness to let #t ha((en ult#!ately ru#ns the blues. *hey run the#r course. Be#ng able to co!e back %ro! the blues and act #n the 'orld aga#n ha((ens naturally. Gett#ng de(ressed #s %#ne and e3(ectable and (robably hel(%ul. Be%ore there 'ere too !any soc#al 'orkers and (sy4 chothera(#sts eeryone e3(ected to get the blues no' and then. *hey also e3(ected to get oer the! to get creat#e and rene'ed no' and then and to get lost #n the#r 'ork #n the 'orld. Regularly alternat#ng 'hat ca(tures our concen4 trat#on #s good %or our health. *he ab#l#ty to get absorbed #n gloo! #n %antasy or #n be#ng #n the 'orld so !uch that 'e lost track o% 'ho 'e are #s a great (o'er. )ho #s #t that gets lost at these t#!es 'hen 'e see! so absorbed 'e %orget eeryth#ng else Actually #t+s not really a 'ho #t+s a 'hat. )hat gets lost #s the o#ceoer 'e are used to call#ng ourseles. )e "lose ourseles" #n so!e !ental ac4 t##ty or task #n the 'orld and #n so do#ng create the (oss#b#l4 #ty o% d#scoer#ng the sel% that+s le%t 'hen that %alse sel% #s gone. )e %#nd out 'ho 'e really are 'hen 'e lose "our4 seles" through concentrat#on. I+! say#ng t'o th#ngs about th#s@ %#rst #t #s o% #tal #!4 (ortance that you learn to be lost both #n e3(er#ence and #n your !#nd but not (er!anently so that you get the aenue 243
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o% esca(e each o%%ers %ro! the other. Secondly 'hen you get lost #n 'hat you+re concentrat#ng on the "you" that gets lost track o% #s not 'ho you are. )ho you are #s the "I lost track o% !ysel% be#ng be%ore you not#ced you had lost track of yoursel%. )ho you are #s the concentrat#on. !ho we are #s the be#ng '#thout any #dent#ty '#th#n 'ho! the !#nd and the (erce#er and the reactor to e3(er#ence res#de. !ho we are #s a s(ace '#th#n 'h#ch t'o k#nds o% (lay#ng occur@ e3(er#ence and %antasy about e3(er#ence. )e are not our e3(er#ence and 'e are not our %antas#es about our e3(er#ence (ast (res4 ent or %uture. )e are the theater #n 'h#ch those th#ngs occur. )ho 'e actually are #s about the sa!e k#nd o% be#ng eeryone else #s@ a %antast#c electr#cal b#oche!#cal !ach#ne constantly creat#ng real#ty out o% be#ng al#e. In order to be %ully al#e 'e hae to constantly shed attach!ent to #deas from the (ast and about, the %uture. *he b#ggest %attest #dea to d#tch %#rst #n order to be creat#e #s the #dea o% 'ho 'e are. One 'ay 'e shed attach!ent to 'ho 'e th#nk 'e are #s to %ace death. 2#chael M#!!er!ann a !odern e3#stent#al#st (h#loso(her 'r#t#ng about He#degger e3(la#ns that 'hat al4 lo's us to rescue ourseles %ro! our o'n egos #s that 'e can see 'e are go#ng to d#e@ Reelat#on o% !y %!#tude seers constr#ct#ng bonds to the (ast and %rees !e %or the %uture. I% I acce(t that death #s al'ays (oss#ble the co!(lacency o% ego#s! d#s4 a((ears. S#nce I a! here only %or a br#e% t#!e there #s no better !o!ent than the (resent %or choos#ng !y 244
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o'n l#!#ted (oss#b#l#t#es. *oo o%ten I assu!e that !y +!o!ent o% truth+ l#es #n the %uture and e3cuses the slackness o% !y e3#stence.7 Psychothera(y 'orks l#ke a death announce!ent@ l#ke a doc4 tor tell#ng you that you hae only s#3 *on%h$ to l#e. *he !essage #s ";ou+re not go#ng to l#e %oreer and you 'on+t be able to do !ost o% the th#ngs you 'ant to do be%ore you d#e and there #s ery da!n l#ttle you+re #n charge o% any'ay." I% the cl#ent gets that !essage #t can cons#derably shorten the length o% t#!e #t takes to conduct (sychothera(y. *he "g##ng u(" that co!es '#th the acce(tance o% one+s o'n death and the %ut#l#ty o% (ro#ng one+s 'orth al lo4$ %or %reedo!. Psychothera(y #s %or beco!#ng %ree and
creat#e. A %reely %unct#on#ng creat#e be#ng #s one 'ho has "seered constr#ct#ng bonds to the (ast." )hen the !#nd d#scoers that the (ast #s dead and %urther!ore that all #s dy#ng energy #s eentually %reed u( %or so!e (ro/ect to'ard the %uture. But th#s %reed4u( energy lacks the (re#ous dr#enness and des(erat#on o% the ego try#ng to sur#e. Belief$ Abo% Ho4 "e Shold Beha(e
Bel#e%s about ho' 'e should behae are all bullsh#t. *here #s no 'ay %or us to do the r#ght th#ng. *h#nk#ng 'e are do#ng the r#ght th#ng #s a (art o% the #llus#on o% be#ng #n control. )hen you (lace your %a#th #n your o'n /udg!ent you (lace your %a#th #n your /udge. ;ou get to bel#e#ng that your /udge #s 'ho you are. 0athol#c (aroch#al educat#on #s a (er%ect !odel %or teach#ng ch#ldren that the#r su(eregos are 245
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'ho they are. Inest!ent #n that bel#e% #s the ant#thes#s o% healthy al#eness. As a (sychothera(#st cur#ng 0athol#c#s! #s one o% the b#ggest challenges I hae. I% I (ut that on an #nsurance %or! as a d#agnos#s the #nsurance co!(any 'on+t (ay %or !y ser#ces so I use ter!#nology %ro! another !odel@ "an3#ety neuros#s." One o% the 'orst and !ost res#stant stra#ns o% an3#ety neuros#s #s #!(lanted by the 0athol#c 0hurch because they teach young ch#ldren that the !ost #!(ortant th#ng #n l#%e #s be#ng r#ght. Al!ost all o% South A!er#ca #s an e3e!(lary back'ater o% 0athol#c#s!. *he 0athol#c 0hurch #s by no !eans the only source of th#s teach#ng #t+s /ust that they are (art#cularly good at #t. But 'e all su%%er %ro! ary#ng degrees o% th#s "cathol#c" d#sease. It #s a !#lestone #n gro'#ng u( to get th#s@ there #s no 'ay to be r#ght. *here #s no r#ght 'ay to behae. *here #s no 'ay to kno' you hae done the r#ght th#ng. *here #s no 'ay to kno' #% 'hat you are (lann#ng to do #s r#ght. I% you got the abort#on 'as #t the r#ght th#ng I% you had the baby 'as #t r#ght ;ou do 'hat you do. ;ou d#d 'hat you d#d. *he r#ght and the 'rong o% #t are not 'orth s(end#ng a lot o% t#!e on. "he#e %o Loo; fo# Peo,le "ho A#e In%e#e$%ed in %he T#%h
)hen 'e co!!#t ourseles to so!eth#ng beyond the ca!(a#gn %or r#ghteousness 'e are !#ss#onar#es %or l#bera4 t#on. *o return to !y or#g#nal (o#nt 'e then need to %#nd a !#ss#onary grou( o% (eo(le 'ho are 'ork#ng to sae (eo(le %ro! the#r bel#e%s. In /o#n#ng such a grou( to hel( sae others 9=
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%ro! the#r !#nds 'e !ay get saed occas#onally %ro! our o'n. One o% the bene%#ts o% ha#ng a *ind #s that th#s (he4 no!enon occurs@ once you kno' 'hat you are look#ng %or #t starts to sho' u(. *hese (eo(le are all oer the (lace and the ones you %#nd '#ll (robably be other than the ones I !ent#on but I '#ll !ent#on a %e' any'ay. Land*a#; Edca%ional +onda%ion *ra#n#ngs that %or a long t#!e 'ere be#ng led by )erner
Erhard and Assoc#ates are st#ll be#ng led by the assoc#ates. *hese tra#n#ngs #nole conersat#ons and l#%e des#gns 'h#ch get #nto the deta#ls o% the technology o% creat#on. *hese (eo4 (le are 'ork#ng on the #ntegrat#on o% Eastern and )estern 'ays o% be#ng hu!an o(erat#ng %ro! the stand that hu!an be#ngs can learn to be %asc#nated by (lay#ng '#th the#r l#es rather than try#ng to be good ch#ldren and ga#n %aor and get so!eone to take care o% the! #n e3change %or be#ng good. So!e o% the "%ollo'ers" o% th#s grou( are "true bel#eers" and there%ore %ull o% sh#t but you are not go#ng to %#nd a (er%ect grou(. )e are all st#ll 'ork#ng on so!eth#ng 'e don+t kno' eeryth#ng about. *ranscendental 2ed#tat#on Peo(le at the *2 organ#5at#on teach a great syste! %or settl#ng do'n dee(ly so that not#c#ng gets born aga#n. 2any o% the! are a l#ttle too holy and (ure and they don+t kno' sh#t about ho' to handle anger as e3(ress#on but *2 #s a great (ract#ce to learn and the (eo(le are on a !#ss#on to hel( eeryone re4contact the n our#sh!ent o% be#ng. 247
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*ell#ng the *ruth )orksho(s 2y %r#ends and colleagues and I run a n#ne4day 'ork4 sho( called *ell#ng the *ruth. Here you can %#nd su((ort #n tell#ng the truth. *he 'hole 'orksho( #noles n#ne days o% res#dent#al 'ork and s#3 !onths o% once4a4'eek %ollo'4u( grou( !eet#ngs. I% you 'ant to kno' !ore deta#ls call or 'r#te. S,,o#%in) %he S,,o#% Yo Al#eady Ha(e
G#e th#s book to your thera(#st. G#e th#s book to your s(ouse. G#e th#s book to your %r#ends. G#e th#s book to !e!bers o% any current grou( you are in. Start your o'n tell#ng the truth grou(. Once you get started 'r#te us and 'e '#ll see 'hat 'e can do to hel(. ;our real su((ort #s 'hereer the truth #s be#ng told.
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he %ull (ath o% gro'th %ro! b#rth to !atur#ty cons#sts o%@ 1, the b#rth o% be#ng ?& the gro'th o% the !#nd
& a (er#od o% do!#nat#on o% the be#ng by the !#nd @&
l#berat#on o% the be#ng %ro! the !#nd and %#nally >& a !#nd used by the be#ng. Ha#ng told the truth enough the be#ng beco!es l#berated %ro! #ts o'n !#nd. Ha#ng told the truth enough the be#ng takes charge o% #ts !#nd rather than re!a#n#ng su((ressed by #ts !#nd. *he (er#od o% l#berat#on o% the be#ng %ro! do!#nat#on by #ts !#nd #noles !any e3(e4 r#ences o% d#sor#entat#on and then reor#entat#on. 6eor#enta4 t#on o% the be#ng to sources other than the !#nd #s based on be#ng #n touch '#th one+s o'n body and not#c#ng th#ngs #n the 'orld Dur#ng these t#!es the o((ortun#ty %or %reedo! occurs,%reedo! %ro! the (re#ously deelo(ed net'ork o% thought. Thin5ing beco!es !erely so!eth#ng else to notice and me 'hen one has beco!e reor#ented to e3(er#ence. 9C
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*h#nk#ng loses #ts (r#or status as the (r#!ary ruler and /a#lkee(er o% be#ng and beco!es !ore l#ke the chau%%eur. Be#ng tra((ed #n the /a#l o% the !#nd #s a d#sease called !oral#s!. All rel#e% %ro! !oral#s! #s te!(orary because there #s no (er!anent cure. *he use o% drugs l#ke alcohol can (ro#de short4ter! te!(orary rel#e% l#ke us#ng Alka Selt5er %or an u(set sto!ach. *ell#ng the truth #s !ore l#ke a t#!e4 release ca(sule that lasts %or days or 'eeks or l#ke an e3erc#se and d#et (rogra! that 'orks to #!(roe your strength and res#stance oer a (er#od o% t#!e. )e are all !oral#sts. *he !ore !oral#st#c 'e are the !ore hyster#cal 'e are. *he !ore hyster#cal 'e are the %ur4 ther a'ay %ro! e3(er#ence 'e '#sh to be. So 'e go as %ar a'ay %ro! nasty old d#sorgan#5ed e3(er#ence as 'e can get 'h#ch !eans as %ar to'ard an abstract e3ternal (o#nt o% re%4 erence as 'e can. )e hae been syste!at#cally taught hyster#a #n the %or! o% !oral#s!. 2any teachers th#nk the (o#nt o% educat#on #s to learn rules and learn to alue the! h#ghly. )ell4kno'n !oral hyster#cs l#ke $erry Fal'ell or Rush #!baugh hae generated agree!ent a!ong thousands o% (eo(le 'ho are co!%orted by the#r ab#l#ty to %orce%ully recreate th#s (re%er4 ence %or (r#nc#(les oer al#eness. *he !oral hyster#a o% l#b4 erals #s not an alternat#e but another %or! o% the sa!e th#ng. #beral hyster#cs are not d#%%erent %ro! react#onary hys4 ter#cs. *he character structure o% one+s (ersonal#ty,that #s the stab#l#ty and con%#gurat#on and #ntens#ty o% one+s alue syste! ,#s actually #nde(endent o% the alues held. "Should#sts" are l#ke sad#sts and they l#e a!ongst all bel#e% syste!s. Should4 250
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#ng on yoursel% and others #s l#ke sh#tt#ng on yoursel% and others. Integr#ty 'holeness at4one4ness #s the o((os#te o% !oral#s!. Ha#ng #ntegr#ty #s the o((os#te o% be#ng !oral. I% one has #ntegr#ty one doesn+t need !orals. Peo(le '#th #n4 tegr#ty o(erate '#th rules o% thu!b not !orals. Integr#ty both results %ro! and #s a !an#%estat#on o% tell#ng the truth. Integr#ty #s not a total cure %or the d#sease o% !oral#s! but s#gn#%#cantly reduces #ts negat#e e%%ects. "illin)ne$$ Be#ng 4'#ll#ng #s !ore #!(ortant than be#ng r#ght. Paul
*#lhch called th#s '#ll#ngness "the courage to be"7 and 'as care%ul to d#%%erent#ate #t %ro! braery due to a strong '#ll. )e do not need "'#ll (o'er" 'e need '#ll#ngness. )#ll (o'er #s at the heart o% the l#%e4(o#son#ng syste!s 'e are s#ck o% and s#ck %ro!. A'areness o% that be#ng that e3#sts under4 neath and (r#or to the rules o% order and #dent#%#cat#on '#th that be#ng #s the 'ay out o% the tra(. *hat be#ng #s al'ays '#ll#ng. *he sel%4(ush#ng and sel%4conde!nat#on that co!es out o% "lett#ng your consc#ence be your gu#de" #s a #c#ous c#rcle. *on
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!ake a /udg!ent@ o% 'hether l#%e #s 'orth the (r#ce s#nce #n h#s /udg!ent l#%e neer l#es u( to #ts b#ll#ng. Such an arro4 gant ?uest#on@ "Is l#%e 'orth the trouble" )hen #t #s an4 s'ered #n the negat#e and a (erson co!!#ts su#c#de the /udge 'ho !ade the dec#s#on #s (resered at the e3(ense o% the be#ng 'ho gre' h#!. Be#ng r#ght #s not the !ost #!(ortant th#ng #n l#%e. I% #t 'as you !#ght as 'ell k#ll yoursel%. Be#ng '#ll#ng #s 'hat counts. I% 'e are '#ll#ng 'e are %ools as any good !#nd '#ll tell you. E3actly. Fools rush #n and learn all k#nds o% th#ngs angels '#ll neer kno'. Grace *he e3(er#ence o% ha#ng one+s #c#ous c#rcle o% /udg4 !ent broken #n u(on #s called "grace" #n 0hr#st#an theology. *he eent that br#ngs about the break #s called a 0hr#st eent. *he h#stor#cal 0hr#st broke #n on h#story #n the sa!e 'ay #n 'h#ch an #nd##dual !#nd gets broken #n on. A 0hr#st eent #s any eent that shakes you out o% your conce(tual do4loo( and hands you back your a'areness. God #s the sense o% '#ll4 #ngness. God #s the #noluntary nerous syste! #n your body that kee(s eeryth#ng runn#ng regardless o% 'hat you th#nk. ;ou relate to God by be#ng a'are. ;ou relate to God by beco!#ng 'ho you are 'h#ch #s an a'areness. ;ou relate to God by beco!#ng God. )hen you are !ost a'are o% relat#ng to another be#ng you are !ost #n touch '#th God. God #s the collect#e #noluntary nerous syste!s o% (eo(le. God #s the #ne%%able e3(er#ence o% a'areness o% be#ng related to another. God #s rece##ng yoursel% and another (erson #n be#ng as you are #n any !o!ent. God #s the eternal s(l#t4second sound4 252
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l#ght be#ng. God #s 'hen 'hat #s so ob/ect#ely #s sub/ec4 t#ely e3(er#enced. A'areness #s the key (ract#ce %or the e34 (er#ence o% Godness. )hat I th#nk 6#erkegaard !eant 'hen he sa#d "a (erson 'ho relates to another (erson and relates also to that relat#onsh#( relates thereby to God" #s that a consc#ousness relat#ng consc#ously to another consc#ousness relates to consc#ousness #ts o'n sel%. )e all -Buddh#sts 0hr#s4 t#ans H#ndus (sychothera(#sts loers agree on th#s. Be#ng '#ll#ng does not !ean you neer (lay the ga!e o% /udg!ent. Be#ng a'are does not !ean you hae no con 4 sc#ence. *he d#%%erence #s #n %le3. As you !ay hae not#ced I (art#cularly loe (lay#ng the ga!e o% /udg!ent and conde!4 nat#on o% the 0athol#c church. I loe !y e3(er#ence o% r#ght4 ness and r#ghteous #nd#gnat#on about those (oor assholes. I l#ke the e3(er#ence /ust l#ke any other r#ghteous (r#ck 0ath4 ol#cs #ncluded. *he d#%%erence #s I hae !ore to susta#n !e than !y bel#e%s !ostly %ro! luck rather than #rtue on !y (art. I hae been lucky. *hese (oor su%%er#ng bastards 'ho neer gre' out o% (re4adolescent !oral#s! that !ake u( the #ron4%#sted kee(ers o% the rules the 'orld oer bel#ee #n the#r bel#e%s and '#ll k#ll rather than %ace dy#ng to the#r be4 l#e%s. Pr#ests and generals and r#g#d reolut#onar#es are #n need o% 0hr#st eents %or del#ery %ro! the deadly ser#ousness o% the#r ga!es. *he d#rty l#ttle secret #s out o% the bag no'. ;our con4 sc#ence is the de#l. *he reolut#on o% our t#!es #s the reolu4 t#on o% consc#ousness. *he goern!ent to be oerthro'n #s the goern!ent o% consc#ence '#th #ts bureaucracy o% !or4 al#s!. 0onsc#ence #nh#b#ts be#ng. )e are deelo(#ng our a'areness to beat the de#l. 253
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Eeryone kno's #ntu#t#ely that the bullsh#t !oral#s! and rules o% good beha#or o% o%%#c#al rel#g#ons hae noth#ng 'hatsoeer to do '#th the s(#r#tual e3(er#ence the rel#g#on #s based u(on. Ho' 'e should behae #s really an unans'erable ?uest#on. *he closest th#ng to an ans'er #s be '#ll#ng and see 'hat ha((ens. 2ost o% us !#ght be '#ll#ng to try that #% 'e could be sure eeryone else 'asn+t. )e !ake u( rules and sell the! to other (eo(le and the#r ch#ldren to (rotect our o'n asses. *he truth #s th#s@ )e gro' u(. )e gro' old. )e d#e. )e all do that and ho' 'e do #t doesn+t !atter !uch. )e all hae to do about the sa!e th#ng any'ay. Bel#e#ng 'e are do#ng the r#ght th#ng #s the center(#ece o% our #llus#on o% control o% th#s (rocess 'here 'e #n %act hae no real control. Bel#e%s are only use%ul as toys. o#ng a bel#e% #s l#ke lo#ng a teddy bear. De%end#ng bel#e%s as though they 'ere sacred only de!onstrates your stu(#d#ty. Dylan *ho!as+ (oe! Lament #s about gro'#ng u( gro'#ng old and dy#ng.< *he !anner o% death #n the end #s death by #rtue. Be#ng k#lled by #rtue #s by %ar the co!!on4 est cause o% death. Death #s nature+s 'ay o% tell#ng you you ought to let u( on yoursel%. *h#s (oe! #s about an old !an look#ng back on h#s l#%e. Dylan *ho!as 'rote #t %or h#s %ather 'hen h#s %ather 'as dy#ng. LM"NT !hen 1 was a windy boy and a bit nd the blac5 s$it of the cha$el fold, C)ighed the old ram rod, dying of womenD, 254
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1 ti$toed shy in th e gooseberry wood, The rude owl cried li5e a telltale tit, 1 s5i$ $ed in a blush as the b ig girls rolled Nine $in down on th e do n5e ys< comm on, nd on seesa w )un day nights 1 wooed !hoever 1 would with my wic5ed eyes, The whole of the moon 1 could love and leave ll the g reen leaved little weddings< wives 1n the co al blac5 bush and let them grieve&
!hen 1 was a gusty man and a half nd the blac5 beast of the beetles< $ews, C)ighed the old ram rod, dying of bitchesD, Not a boy and a b it in the wic5*i$$ing moon and drun5 as a new dro$$ed calf, 1 whistled all night in the twisted flues, Midwives grew in the midnight ditches, nd the siPPling beds of the town cried, 6uic5E !lienever 1 dove in a breast high shoal, !herever 1 ram$ed in the clover 7uilts, !hatsoever 1 did in the coal4lac5 night, 1 left my 7uivering $rints&
!hen 1 was a man you could call a man rid the blac5 cross of th e holy house, C)ighed the old ram rod, dying o welcomeD, 4randy and ri$e in my bright, bass $rime, No s$ringtailed torn in the red h ot town !ith every simmering woman his mouse 4ut a hilloc5y bull in the swelter
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/f summer come in his great good time To the sultry, biding herds, 1 said, /h, time enough when the blood cree$s cold, nd 1 l ie down but t o sle e$ in bed , 3or my sul5ing, s5ul5ing, coa l blac5 sou lE
!hen 1 was a half of the man 1 was and serve me right, as the $reachers warn, C)ighed the old ram rod, dying of downfallD, No flailing calf or cat in a flame /r hic5ory bull in mil5y grass 4ut a blac5 shee$ with a crum$led horn, t last, the soul from its fou l mousehole )lung $outing out when the lim$ time cameA nd 1 gave my soul a blind, slashed eye, ristle and rind, and a roarers< life, nd 1 shoved it into the coal blac5 s5y To find a woman
Now 1 am a man no mo re no more nd a bla c5 reward for a roaring life, C)ighed the old ram rod, dying of strangersD, Tidy and cursed in my dove cooed room 1 lie down thin and hear the good bells aw , 3or, oh, m y soul, found a )unday wife 1n the coal blac5 s5y and she bore angelsE Har$ies around me out of her wombE -hastity $rays for me, $iety sings, 1nnocence sweetens my last blac5 breath,
8=
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Mode sty h ides my thighs in her wings, nd all the deadly virtues $lague my deathE
Al#eness decl#nes to #rtue 'h#ch leads to death. For so!e that death #s the k#nd that co!es 'hen you start a 'or! %ar!. For others that death #s an ego death and #t !akes roo! %or the reb#rth o% al#eness. *he dy#ng that br#ngs re4 b#rth co!es about as a result o% learn#ng ho' to tell the truth. 2ar#lyn Ferguson s(eaks o% ho' 'e kee( try#ng to use our (oor l#ttle le%t bra#n %aculty to kee( u( '#th 'hat+s go#ng on and 'hat co!#cal (athet#c creatures 'e are #n the atte!(t. "0hange and co!(le3#ty al'ays outrun our (o'ers o% de4 scr#(t#on. . . . )hen the le%t bra#n con%ronts the nonl#near d#!ens#on #t kee(s c#rcl#ng around break#ng 'holes #nto (arts retrac#ng #ts data and ask#ng #na((ro(r#ate ?uest#ons l#ke a re(orter at a %uneral. )here 'hen ho' 'hy )e hae to #nh#b#t #ts ?uest#ons %or the !o!ent sus(end #ts /udg!ent or 'e cannot +see+ the other d#!ens#on any !ore than 'e can see both (ers(ect#es o% an o(t#cal #llus#on sta#r4 case at the sa!e t#!e,or be s'e(t a'ay by a sy!(hony 'h#le analy5#ng the co!(os#t#on."9 )e are all that k#nd o% le%t4 bra#n4!#nded %ools. )e are all /erks runn#ng on un%#n#shed old4t#!ey re!e!bered e3(er#ence and at the d#rect#on o% out4!oded !odels o% the !#nd. It+s ho' 'e o(erate. It+s our nature. It+s ho' 'e all are. Deny#ng that !akes you a s(ast#c. A%%#r!#ng that !akes you /ust a regular /erk. *h#s #s the era o% the takeoer o% the 'orld by s(ast#cs anony!ous. 2e!bers o% s(ast#cs anony!ous hae g#en u( 'ast#ng t#!e try#ng to (roe they+re not /erks. Anyone stu(#d 257
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enough to hae %a#th #n h#s or her o'n /udg!ent #s a s(ast#c and the b#ggest da!ned %ool o% all. )e eoke %eel#ngs %ro! the (ast by e#ther re!e!ber#ng or '#sh#ng. )#sh#ng and re!e!ber#ng are atte!(ts to stay al#e enl#ened '#th %eel#ngs 'e choose to re4e3(er#ence. )#sh#ng and re!e!ber#ng are great %un. )hen 'e are re4 !e!ber#ng %or a 'h#le 'e can re4eoke %eel#ng. )e get a chance to e3(er#ence oer aga#n so!e (leasant e3(er#ence 'e once had and 'e hae so!e sense o% control oer and d#stance %ro! 'hat 'e are re!e!ber#ng. But these re4 e3(er#enced e3(er#ences (eter out. *hey 'ear out (artly be 4 cause a long stay #n heaen beco!es hell. *here #s noth#ng to do #n heaen. Eeryth#ng #s %#3ed. &oth#ng #s broken. Eery4 th#ng #s (er%ect. Heaen 'ears out. &ostalg#a a#n+t 'hat #t used to be. So 'e turn our attent#on to the %uture to enact ne' %antas#es based on (leasant e3(er#ences %ro! the (ast. *hese %antas#es about the %uture based on the (ast are the ho(e and hy(e 'e con ourseles '#th. Een #% 'e get 'hat 'e al'ays 'anted #t neer looks l#ke 'e thought #t 'ould 'hen #t arr#es. Success there%ore leads to d#s#llus#on!ent. As Eccles#astes says "All #s an#ty and a str##ng a%ter the '#nd." )e end u( #n hell aga#n. Our !e!or#es o% heaen are 'hat !ake hell (oss#ble. Only a%ter years at th#s can 'e beg#n to g#e u( %a#th #n our o'n %antas#es. *hen 'e d#scoer the good ne's that hell !akes heaen (oss#ble. "Abandon all ho(e ye 'ho enter here" 'as the s#gn !ark#ng Dante+s entrance to Hell. But h#s tr#( #nto Hell 'as the beg#nn#ng o% the (ath to Heaen. "Abandon all ho(e ye 'ho enter here" #s #n %act the s#gn oer the gate4 'ay to heaen. Each #nd##dual 'ho !atures to adulthood 8
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has to go through a late4adolescent hell and beyond. )e hae to learn to l#e l#es. )e need to be lost #n a l#%e o% ly#ng be%ore the (oss#b#l#ty o% del#erance %ro! hell (resents #tsel%. )e hae to learn ho' to ao#d the !o!ent and control our e3(er#ence o% the 'orld through '#sh#ng ho(#ng be#ng lost #n !e!ory ly#ng and be#ng lost #n our !#nds. )e hae to be success%ul at th#s and des(a#r o% #t and then esca(e %ro! #t '#thout los#ng #ts adantages. All o% that learn#ng all o% that school#ng #n ealuat#on 'as /ust a tr#ck. A%ter #t has totally lost #ts alue #t beco!es o% so!e use. )e can drea! as a ga!e %ash#on roles as a ga!e #ntellectual#5e as a ga!e and !ost #!(ortantly s'#tch ga!es 'hen 'e 'ant. Real#ty #s ne#ther heaen nor hell #t+s a (layground 'here you !ay get hurt at t#!es. S(ast#cs loe soa( o(eras because soa( o(eras allo' the! to drea! o% not be#ng such /erks. *he /erks on soa( o(eras are so!e (eo(le+s #dea o% ho' to l#e the good l#%e. Soa( o(eras can+t e3#st '#thout ly#ng and #ce ersa. S(ast#cs #n deny#ng they are /erks #deal#5e /erkdo!. )hat you get #n (lace o% al#eness #s your aerage soa( o(era. Lyin)
)hen you are ly#ng 'hen you are kee(#ng a secret 'hen you are '#thhold#ng #n%or!at#on or %eel#ngs #n any *o *en%= you are al'ays do#ng that to (rotect so!eth#ng !ean4 #ngless. ;ou are usually (rotect#ng a !e!ory to (resere a constant state o% be#ng. ;ou can+t see that 'hat you are (ro4 tect#ng #s !ean#ngless because the #llus#on o% the sel% you are (rotect#ng blocks your #e'. )hen through tell#ng the truth you destroy that #llus#on you can then see that #t 'as !ean#ngless. 2ean#nglessness #s o% great alue. )hen you 8C
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%#nally get that 'ho you actually are #s e!(ty and !ean#ngless #t doesn+t !atter to you 'hether you are a /erk or not. *here #s 'here your (o'er l#es. ;ou !ay hae an #!age o% yoursel% as a "good" (erson. ;ou !ay l#e to kee( %ro! "hurt#ng so!eone else+s %eel#ngs." *he so!eone else you are th#nk#ng o% #s een !ore e(he!4 eral than the sel%4#!age you are (rotect#ng. *he (eo(le you (rotect by ly#ng are /ust as #!ag#nary as the sel%4#!age you !a#nta#n 'hen you l#e to (rotect your sel%. *h#s #s the #!ag#4 nary 'orld o% adolescence. *he odds are aga#nst gro'#ng beyond adolescence #n our adolescent soc#ety. *he odds %aor !ost o% us !ost o% the t#!e re!a#n#ng (ol#te #!(otant %ools 'ho th#nk 'e are s(ec#al but so!eho' don+t get 'hat 'e desere. 2ost (eo4 (le %eel l#ke l#%e hasn+t l#ed u( to #ts b#ll#ng hasn+t turned out r#ght hasn+t re'arded us a((ro(r#ately. A%ter a 'h#le 'e g#e u( th#nk#ng 'e are so hot and start drea!#ng about 'hat could hae been. *h#s #s the 'ay l#%e usually goes %or !ost o% us. )e hae all been 'a#t#ng %or a long t#!e to gro' beyond both these (os#t#e and negat#e sel%4#!ages and a%ra#d to do so. 2ost o% us neer !ake #t beyond adolescent ho(e and hy(e and d#sa((o#nt!ent. )#sh#ng #s a 'ay to re!oe one4 sel% %ro! 'hat #s go#ng on no'. Ho(e s(r#ngs eternal. Fuck ho(e. Ho(e #s ho' !ost o% us ao#d gro'#ng u(. *he (o'er o% (os#t#e th#nk#ng #s the b#ggest load o% bullsh#t o% our day. Pos#t#e th#nk#ng #s %or negat#e (eo(le. )#th (os#t#e th#nk#ng and a%%#r!at#ons 'e start %ro! an #!age o% ourseles as %la'ed and try to use th#nk#ng as a strategy to !ake ourseles 'hole. *h#nk#ng #s not the source =:
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o% (o'er. Be#ng #s the source o% (o'er. And #n be#ng 'e are already 'hole. *he !#nd+s 'ork o% sur#al beco!es an#ty 'hen #t goes beyond hel(#ng us to sur#e and beco!es attached to the sur#al o% our sel%4#!age. Bes#des that 'e don+t sur#e e#ther #!age or be#ng #n the end because 'e all d#e. Only our '#ll#ngness to l#e at r#sk and #n the kno'ledge o% death can kee( the !#nd %ro! s?uee5#ng the l#%e out o% us be%ore 'e d#e. *he be#ng '#th#n 'h#ch the !#nd res#des #s '#ll#ng to l#e and '#ll#ng to d#e. *he !#nd cons#ders l#%e and death to be #!(ortant. *he be#ng cons#ders l#%e and death to be l#%e and death. Sur##ng one+s o'n !#nd #s done by #dent#%y#ng onesel% as the be#ng one #s and l##ng out o% that being rather than l##ng out o% the image o% ho' 'e are or should be. *he !#nd gro's out o% be#ng. )hat a great th#ng a !#nd #s1 )hen the !#nd #s not #!(r#son#ng be#ng #t+s a !arelous th#ng. Its act##t#es are %un. Fantas#es are %un (re4 d#ct#ng and controll#ng are %un gett#ng (ra#se #s %un gett#ng %ood #s %un organ#5#ng to (roduce results #s %un creat#ng #s %un. )hat /ust#%#es all o% that 'ork #t took to deelo( a !#nd #s that #t turns out to be a great toy. I reco!!end ha#ng %un ,although I don+t reco!!end !ak#ng another set o% !orals out o% the (h#loso(hy o% %un. It #s okay not to get the !ost out o% l#%e. It #s %#ne to let l#%e ha((en and not get all the cook#es. Gett#ng the !ost out o% l#%e #s too !uch 'ork any4 'ay. Anyth#ng 'orth do#ng #s 'orth do#ng (oorly. et u( on eeryth#ng #nclud#ng th#s. So the b#g (#cture #s th#s. *he l#ttle teeny %#re o% l#%e starts #n a hu!an be#ng at conce(t#on and kee(s burn#ng =7
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unt#l the end o% l#%e. *he l#ttle %#re o% enl#ghten!ent %ollo's about %our or %#e or s#3 !onths later #n the 'o!b and #t also kee(s on unt#l the end. *he sl#ghtly larger %#re o% learn4 #ng starts shortly a%ter the neonate gets outs#de and burns regularly unt#l al!ost the end. *he l#ttle %#re o% abstract cog4 n#t#e ab#l#ty starts at about ten or eleen years o% age and burns on unt#l the end. *he energy %ro ! all these %#res 'h#ch are really one %#re that has gro'n and s(read !ust be a((l#ed to so!eth#ng b#gger than %ha% one %#re #tsel% or else the %#re consu!es #tsel%J burns out. C#ea%in) Bi))e# P#oble*$ fo# +n.
)hen 'e create so!e #s#on o% the %uture to %#ll the ga( le%t by "g##ng u(" 'e create a ne' (roble!. )hen 'e say "yes" to so!e o((ortun#ty or (ro/ect or act##ty the cho#ce re?u#res dy#ng to other o(t#ons. ;ou can only 'ork on so !any %antas#es at once. Any #nab#l#ty to d#e to these other o(t#ons cr#((les our al#eness to 'hat 'e hae chosen. *h#s book #s %or (eo(le 'ho hae su%%ered a %e' d#s4 #llus#on!ents already #n the#r l#es. *hat #s #t+s %or eeryone. *he 'ork #t reco!!ends that o% grou(#ng together %or l#b4 erat#on #s %or (eo(le 'ho hae been saed and sold out aga#n seeral t#!es. Grou(s 'orth belong#ng to are (eo(le 'ho su((ort each other #n stay#ng #n that area o% #nsecur#ty and he#ghtened e3(er#ence and al#eness that threatens to k#ll your !#nd4!ade #dent#ty eery day. )e kno' at least t'o th#ngs by the t#!e 'e+e been te!(ered by des(a#r and beco!e road4'orthy %acers o% d#s#l4 lus#on!ent@ =
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7.*here
are no de(endable truths. *here are !ore o r
less de(endable truths and they change no' and then. .*here
#s one de(endable source %or co!!on agree
!ent. It #s sensory data. )e can and !ust assu!e that a d#rect re(ort o% sensory data #s the closest 'e can get to shared co!!on e3(er#ence. A s#!(le language gro's out o% sensory e3(er#ence. I% 'e can s(eak to each other '#th one4Ranger4and4 *onto4l#ke sensory language 'e can stay close to ho!e4to'n real#ty. )e can al'ays return to that start#ng (lace 'hen 'e get lost. A !#nd #s a 'eb o% abstract#ons and once a !#nd has been gro'n and nurtured the /ob beco!es gett#ng e3tr#4 cated %ro! the 'eb o% abstract#on and return#ng to ho!e4 to'n real#ty. It+s not really real#ty I kno' but #t #s the best close4to4hand agreed u(on bas#s o% #nter(retat#on 'e hae. It #s the only "real#ty" 'e+e got. It+s a hell o% an assu!(t#on that your (a#n and !y (a#n are the sa!e that your (leasure and !y (leasure are al#ke and that your (erce(t#ons !atch !y (erce(t#ons but th#s #s the necessary bas#c leel at 'h#ch to beg#n. As a rule o% thu!b #% #t+s a cho#ce bet'een be#ng lost #n the stratos(here o% thought or be#ng du!b #n do'n4 ho!e sensory real#ty go ho!e to sensate e3(er#ence. Strange and !ostly 'onder%ul th#ngs ha((en to (eo(le 'hen they are able to talk at the leel o% do'n4ho!e real#ty. Peo(le lost #n the stratos(here o% #nter(retat#ons are la'4 yers and !ost (eo(le. Peo(le grounded #n e3(er#ence #n4 =<
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elude so!e h#llb#ll#es so!e gol% (ros so!e other (ro%ess#onal athletes so!e Men !asters so!e Gestalt thera(#sts !ost co4 !ed#ans and so!e other (eo(le. *he door'ay to beco!#ng grounded #n e3(er#ence #s called des(a#r. Des(a#r co!es %ro! the at#n root 'ords de and s$erare !ean#ng "do'n %ro!" and "ho(e." "Do'n %ro! ho(e." *he only ho(e #s to g#e u( ho(e. *he only ho(e #s a k#nd o% ho(e through des(a#r. Abandon all ho(e g#e u( ro!ance and learn the earth language. *he truth #s not so!e story about so!eth#ng that ha((ened to you #n the (ast. *ell4 #ng stor#es about your !e!ory o% 'hat ha((ened !ay be enterta#n#ng %or a 'h#le but #% that #s all you can do #t gets bor#ng (retty %ast. *ruth can only be told #% you are (resent #n the tell#ng and (resent to the (erson to 'ho! you are talk4 #ng. )hen I a! descr#b#ng to another (erson ho' th#ngs are I a! al'ays descr#b#ng ho' th#ngs are %or !e at the !o!ent or I a! not tell#ng the truth. I can only tell the truth that #s !y truth at the !o!ent. )e don+t hae to agree '#th each other about ho' th#ngs are. )e /ust hae to l#sten to each other and get ho' th#ngs are %or each other no'. ast )ords Dean Rusk neer beat h#s '#%e. He 'as a decent !an. He 'as a l#beral. He 'as head o% the Ford Foundat#on. And as Secretary o% State dur#ng the #etna! 'ar he k#lled oer a hundred thousand (eo(le #n a useless 'aste%ul unnecessary stu(#d 'ar. )e 'ould all be better o%% #% he had %ound a better 'ay to e3(ress h#s anger. H#s t#!e #s (ass#ng '#th the turn o% the century. =9
TH" 31NL L/!*/!N
A%ter a long (er#od o% ro!ant#c #deal#s! hu!an#ty #s eol#ng a ne' 'ay to l#e. 2any are %ollo'#ng the lead o% great th#nkers %ro! (re#ous centur#es 'ho kne' '#thout us#ng the ter! neuros#s that neuros#s 'as a (reoccu(at#on '#th th#ngs o% the !#nd and that creat#on 'as+ the cure %or #t. For !any centur#es certa#n (oets (h#loso(hers and sc#en4 t#sts hae recogn#5ed another 'hole real! o% be#ng 'h#ch #s l##ng '#th /ust 'hat+s so %ro! the (ers(ect#e o% ha#ng noth#ng to lose and noth#ng to ga#n. )e need not a((roach the 'orld %ro! (reoccu(at#on '#th thoughts and %eel#ngs about be#ng good or bad /udg#ng 'hether the 'orld #s good or bad enough %or us. )e can /ust as eas#ly l#e out o% be#ng %asc#nated '#th the ga!e o% creat#on. I bel#ee that %asc#nat#on '#th the ga!e o% creat#on #s su%%#c#ent@ that #n %act #t+s the only ga!e #n to'n. And th#s 'onder%ul ga!e once resered %or a %e' #ns(#red (erce#ers #s no' aa#lable to larger and larger nu!bers o% (eo(le be4 cause our culture #tsel% #s gro'#ng u(. Our culture #s gro'#ng to a (lace o% young adulthood gro'#ng beyond adolescence %or the %#rst t#!e #n #ts h#story. Personal Declarat#ons o% Inde(endence are (o((#ng u( l#ke cra5y. Honest (eo(le recogn#5e and salute each other. *hese e3cer(ts %ro! Er#ca $ong+s salute to )alt )h#t!an 8 art#culate the (oss#b#l#ty %or all o% us %#nally to gro' u(. I loe Er#ca $ong %or the sa!e reasons she loes )alt )h#t!an. *hese l#nes %ro! her (oe! s(eak %or all o% us to each other.
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TH1N) L"RN"* 3R/M TH" !R 4"T!""N 4"1N 2 M1N*
T")TM"NT C/r, Homage to !alt !hitmanD
loeroot s#lkthread crotch and #ne . . . ,)alt )h#t!an I trust all /oy. ,*heodore Roethke 1, "rica 'ong , in the m idst of my life, having had two $arents, two sisters, two husbands, two boo5s of $oems 2 three decades of $ain, having cried for those who did not love me 2 those who loved me , but not enough 2 those whom 1 did not love , declare myself now for oy&
There is $ain enough to nourish us everywhereA it is oy that is scarce&
There are cor$ses $iled u$ to the mountains, 2 tears to drown in, 2 bile enough to swallow all day long&
Rage is a common weed& nger is chea$&
Righteous indignation is the religion of the dead in the house of the dead
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TH" 31NL L/!*/!N
where the dead s$ea5 to each other in crea5ing voices, each arguing a more unha$$y childhood than the other&
+nha$$iness is chea$& -hildhood is a universal affliction& 1 say to hell with the a nalysts of minus 2 $lus, the Heshrin5ers, the diminishes of oy&
1 say t o hell with anyo ne who would suc5 on misery li5e a $acifier in a toothles s mouth& 1 say to hell with gloo m&
loom is chea$& "very night the earth resolves for dar5ness 2 then brea5s its resolve in the morning&
"very nig ht the demon lovers come with their blac5 $enises li5e tongues, with their double faces, 2 their cheating mouths 2 their glum religions of doom&
*oom is chea$& 1f the a$ocaly$se is coming, let us wait for it in oy&
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TH1N) L"RN"* 3R/M TH" !R 4"T!""N 4"1N 2 M1N*
Let u s not gnash our teeth on the molars of cor$ses , though the molars of cor$ses are $lentiful enough&
Let us not scorn laughter though scorn is $lentiful enough&
Let us laugh 2 bring $len ty to the sc orners , or they scorn themselves&
1 myself have been a scorner 2 have chosen scornful men, men to e cho all that was n arrow in myself, men to hurt me as 1 hurt mysel f&
1n my stinginess, my friends have been stingy& 1n my narrowness, my men have been mean&
1 resolve now for oy&
1f that resolve means 1 must live alone, 1 acce$t aloneness&
1f the o y house 1 inh abit must be a house of my own ma5ing, 1 acce$t that ma5ing&
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TH" 31NL L/H<*/!N
No doomsaying, deathdealing, fuc5er of cunts can undo me now& No oydenyer can deny me now& 3or what 1 have is undeniab le& 1 in habit m y ow n ho use, the house o my oy& ;+nscrew the loc5s from the doorsE +nscrew the doors themselves from their ambsE; *ear !a tt !hitm an horny old nurse to $ain, s$ ea5er of ;$asswords $rimeval,; meritrefuser, $oet of body 2 soul , scor ned you at twenty but turn to you now in the fourth decade of my life, having grown straight enough to $raise your straightness, 2 $lain enough t o s$ea 5 to you $lain 2 sim$le enough to $raise your sim$licity& The doors o$en& The meta$hors themselves swing o$en wideE #a$ers fall from my d es5, my des5 teeters on the edge of the cosmos, 2 1 commit each word to fire&
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TH1N) L"RN"* 3R/M
TH" !R 4"T!""N 4"1N 2 M1N*
1 burnE ll night 1 wri te in suns across the $age& 1 fuel the ;body electric; with midnight oil, 1 write in neon s$erm across the air&
You were ;han5ering, gross, mystical, nude&; You astonished with the odor of your arm$its& You coc5ed your hat as you choseA
, you coc5ed your coc5 but you 5new ;the Me myself&; You believed in your soul 2 believing, you made others believe in theirs&
The soul is contagious& /ne man catches another
1f we can s$in the oy thread 2
, also catch it if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs&
The loveroot will germinate& The crotch will be a trellis for the vine, 2 our threads will all be intermingled sil5&
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How to s$in o y out o f an em$ty h eart K The oyegg germinates even in des$air&
/rgasms of gloom convulse the worldA 2 the oysee5ers huddle together&
!e meet on the $ages of boo5s 2 by beachwood fires& !e meet scrawled blac5ly in manyfolded letters& !e 5now each other by free 2 generous hands& !e swing li5e s$iders on each other
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TH1N) L"RN"* 3R/M TH" MOR 4"T!""N 4"1N 2 M1N*
I Brad Blanton #n the !#dst o% !y l#%e ha#ng had three (arents three s#bl#ngs %our '#es %our causes %our ch#ldren L %our decades o% (a#n. Ha#ng raged %or those 'ho d#d not loe !e L those 'ho loed !e,but not enough L those 'ho! I d#d not loe, declare !ysel% no' %or /oy. Hel( yoursel%. It+s %ree. Pass #t on.
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For #n%or!at#on about the Telling the Truth !or5sho$, or to subscr#be to the Radical Honesty Rag, (lease call@
74::4E *R*H
FOO*&O*ES L YO*A*IO& 0REDI*S
I&*ROD0*IO& 70enters %or D#sease 0ontrol. Atlanta GA@ De(art!ent o% Health Educa t#on and )el%are Publ#c Health Ser#ces. &#et5sche Fr#edr#ch -7C=. 4as5 !ritings of NietPsche, &e' ;ork@ *he 2odern #brary. <*ho!as Hugh -7CC. History of the !orld& &e' ; ork@ Har(er and Ro'. 9Er#kson Er#k -7C=<. -hildhood and )ociety& &e' ;ork@ ). ). &orton L 0o!(any Inc. 0HAP*ER O&E 7Bateson Gregory -7CC. Mind and Nature& &e' ;ork@ E. P. Dutton. Asch Solo!an et at& -7C=8. $ournal o% Abnor!al and Soc#al Psychology.
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3//TN/T") 2 6+/TT1/N -R"*1T) 0HAP*ER *HREE 6uotation: cu!!#ngs e.e. -7C. -om$lete #oems, "anyone l#ed #n a (retty ho' to'n." &e' ;ork@ Harcourt Brace $oano#ch.
7;eats )#ll#a! B. -7C9:. The (ariorum "dition of #oems of !& 4& Yeats& &e' ;ork@ 2ac!#ll#a! 0o!(any. Porter 6ather#ne Anne -7C=C. "*he Do'n'ard Path to )#sdo!." The Leaning Tower and /ther )tories& &e' ;ork@ Harcourt Brace /oano #ch. 0HAP*ER FOR 6uotation: Dylan Bob. My 4ac5 #ages& &e' ;ork@ Al%red A. 6no (%.
7Steens $ohn O. -7C7. wareness: "%$loring, "%$erimenting, "%$eriencing& Real Peo(le Press.
a'rence D. H. -7C=9. -om$lete #oems of *& H& Lawrence& &e' ;ork@ #k#ng Press Inc. 0HAP*ER FIE 6uotation: E!erson Ral(h )aldo -7C87. )elf Reliance& &e' ;ork@ *ho!as ;. 0ro'ell 0o!(any.
7cu!!#ngs e.e. -7C. -om$lete #oems& &e' ;ork@ Harcourt Brace $oa no#ch. Ib#d.
6uotation: 6een Sa! -7C=. 3aces of the "nemy: Reflections of the Hostile 1maginati on& San Franc#sco@ Har(er L Ro' Inc. 7 Bro'n &or!an O. -7C7. Life gainst *eath: The #sychoanalytical Mean ing of History& 2#ddleto'n 0*@ )esleyan n#ers#ty Press. . Steens $ohn O. -7C7. wareness: "%$loring, "%$erimenting, "%$eriencing& Real Peo(le Press. 0HAP*ER EIGH* 6uotation: $ans *o! -7C. "o#ng Ar!s." Al!o 2us#c 0or(. -AS0AP.
7Buber 2art#n -7C8. and Thou& &e' ;o rk@ 0h arles Scr#% aner. Patterson $a!es and 6#! Peter. -7CC7 The *aD< merica Told the Truth& &e' ; ork@ Pren t#ce Hall .
<6r#sto%%erson 6r#s -7C=. ")hen oed He r." &ash#lle *&@ B2G 2us#c Publ#sh#ng.
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3//TN/T") 2 6+/TT1/N -R"*1T)
0HAP*ER &I&E 7 &#et5sche Fr#edr#ch -7C=. Basic !ritingQ of NietPsche& &e' ;ork@ *he 2odern #brary. 0HAP*ER *E& 6uotation: He#nle#n Robert A. -7C=<. )tranger in a )trange Land& &e' ;ork@ Putna!. 7 Ste#nbeck $ohn -7C
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