EXERCISES EXERCISE
1:
HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU
1 OFTEN 1. 2. 3. 4.
5. 6.
7.
8.
9. 10.
11. 12.
13. 14. 15.
16.
17. 18. 19. 20.
In a diffic difficult ult meet meeting ing with with temper tempers s running running high, high, I am able to speak with confidence. If I am am unsure unsure of somet somethin hing, g, I can can easil easily y ask for for help. If some someone one is is being being unfai unfairr and aggr aggressi essive, ve, I can handle the situation confidently. When When someon someone e is bein being g sarcas sarcastic tic at at my expe expense nse or at the expense of others, I can speak up without getting angry. If I am am being being put put down down or patr patroni onized zed,, I can can raise raise the issue directly without being aggressive. If I belie believe ve I am bein being g taken taken for for grante granted, d, I am able able to draw attention to it without sulking or getting upset. If some someone one asks asks my my permis permissio sion n to do someth something ing,, I would prefer him or her not to e.g. smoke, I can say no without feeling guilty. If some someone one asks asks my my opinio opinion n about about somet somethin hing, g, I feel quite comfortable to give it even if I think my opinion will not be a popular one. I can deal deal easily easily and and effecti effectivel vely y with senio seniorr people. people. When given given faulty faulty or substand substandard ard goods in in a shop or restaurant, I can state my case well without attacking the other person. When an importa important nt opportuni opportunity ty is in the offing offing I can speak up on my own behalf. When I can can see things things going going wrong, wrong, I can draw attention to it early without waiting until it is a potential disaster. When I have have bad news news to give I can do do it calmly calmly and without excessive worry. If I want somet something, hing, I can can ask for it in a direct, direct, straightforward way. When someone someone isn’t isn’t listening listening to what what I am saying, saying, I can get my point across without getting strident or feeling sorry for myself. When someone someone misunder misunderstand stands s me, I can point point it out without feeling guilty or making the other person look small.
2 SOMETIMES
3 RARELY
4 NEVER
SECTION ONE
WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
“Appreciating my own worth and importance, and having the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsibly toward others .” California State Task Force on Self-Esteem, and Personal and Social Responsibility.
“A Confidence and satisfaction in oneself”
Webster’s Dictionary
Self-esteem is a state of mind. It is the way you feel and think about yourself and others, and is measured by the way way you act. Self-esteem Self-esteem can also be defined as your your internal belief belief system and how you experienc experience e life external externally. ly. High self-este self-esteem em is the most positive phrase in the English English language. language. It relates to having a positive positive sense of your inherent worth as as a person. Self-esteem Self-esteem is made up of learned learned feelings feelings and positive thoughts that reflect a positive attitude of “I CAN DO IT”, versus a pessimistic attitude attitude of “I CAN’T DO IT”. Self-esteem is self-confidence, self-worth, and self-respect. It involves respecting others, but also feeling a sense of harmony and peace within yourself. The key to elevated self-esteem is the willingness to take responsibility for your feelings, desires, thoughts, abilities and interests and to accept your overall strengths and act accordingly. Your self-esteem self-esteem affects everything everything you do. It reflects “you” to everyone with whom whom you come in contact contact.. Each of us is born with the capacit capacity y for positive positive feelings, feelings, but it is possible to learn not to like yourself through practice and/or life experiences.
2
Feeling good about yourself is not a luxury; it is an absolute necessity.
WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM (Continued) Self-esteem is not a fixed or rigid state. It changes depending on what you experience or how you are feeling. Most low self-esteem is caused by negative emotional reactions. It is not easy to reach adulthood with a sense of high self-worth today because of the many factors that come into play in this complex world. Unfortunate childhood experiences; criticism by parents, teachers, and peers; your environment; media; cultural backgrounds; or society in general can cause feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem. If these feelings are reinforced by negative belief patterns, they can become habit forming, and low selfesteem can become the norm for an individual. As you become an adult, you depend on others for a sense of importance. Negative feelings and thinking patterns can become powerful illusions of truth. Physical, emotional and psychological consequences will influence your thinking and your mind can form value judgments. Self-esteem is both conscious and unconscious. It is an ongoing evaluation of yourself. A belief of what you can and cannot do. Self-esteem can be learned! But it does not happen overnight or by chance.
Self-Esteem can be learned so let’s begin to learn how.
3
HOW HIGH IS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?
INSTRUCTIONS MARK A “T” (TRUE) OR “F” (FALSE) AFTER EACH STATEMENT AS IT NORMALLY RELATES TO YOUR THINKING.
TRUE / FALSE 1.
I feel my work/career has progressed more because of luck and not because I deserve it.
2.
I often find myself thinking, “Why can’t I be more successful?”
3.
I do not believe I am working up to my potential.
4.
I consider it a failure when I do not accomplish my goals.
5.
When others are nice to me I often feel suspicious.
6.
Giving others compliments about their strengths often makes me feel uncomfortable. 7. It is difficult to see co-workers promoted because I often feel I am more deserving. 8. I do not necessarily believe that our minds have a direct influence on our physical well being. 9.
When things are going well, they usually will not last for me.
10. I place a high value on what others think of me. 11. I like to impress my supervisor. 12. I find it difficult to face up to my mistakes. 13. I am not comfortable always saying what I mean. 14. I find it hard to say I am sorry. 15. I tend to accept change in my job slowly because of fear. 4
TRUE / FALSE 16. Procrastination is a good word to describe my work habits. 17. I often find myself thinking, “Why even try, I won’t make it.” 18. When my boss praises me, I usually do not believe him/her 19. I do not think my co-workers want me to advance professionally 20. I avoid people who I think do not like me. 21. My attitude toward life could improve. 22. If honest with myself, I tend to blame my parents for how my life is turning out. 23. I find it difficult to look for the good in others. 24. I do not think people can change their attitudes.
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TRUE / FALSE 25. I really do not believe that a self-help book will make a difference in ones self-esteem.
Add up all your TRUE and FALSE statements. TRUE:__________________
FALSE:________________
If you scored over half of the items ‘TRUE”, you may want to spend some quality time with yourself, or with a counsellor, thinking about your life. Think about why you have these feelings. If the majority of your answers were “FALSE” you seem to have good self-esteem and are on your way to greater success and satisfaction.
ATTITUDE IS THE KEY AND INNER SUCCESS IS THE FIRST STEP TO OUTER SUCCESS.
IS SELF-ESTEEM RELATED TO YOUR FEELINGS OF SUCCESS? How successful do you perceive yourself? Are your thoughts consistent with your actions? What aspects of your life need special attention?
6
INSTRUCTIONS Place the number that best describes how you perceive yourself at work in the space provided. Then repeat the exercise by how you perceive yourself away from work. (Disregard the letters in parentheses following each question).
Scale: Very High Moderately High Average Moderately Low Very Low
= = = = =
5 4 3 2 1
PERSONAL AND WORK EVALUATION REVIEW
AT WORK
AWAY FROM WORK 1. I feel successful in my present work/career.
(D)
2. I feel satisfied with my present work/career path.
(D)
3. I consider myself to be a risk-taker.
(H)
4. I feel that continuing my education is important.
(L)
5. I consciously look for the good in others.
(B)
6. I can do most everything I put my mind to.
(B)
7. I am comfortable in new social situations.
(E)
8. I appreciate compliments from others.
(E)
9. I feel comfortable speaking in front of others.
(K)
10. I enjoy telling others of my successes.
(A)
11. I am an optimistic person.
(B)
12. I am goal oriented.
(I)
13. I am comfortable making most decisions.
(G)
14. I am in good physical condition.
(C)
15. I am respected by others for who I am.
(A)
16. I project a positive self-image.
(J)
17. I am an active listener.
(P)
18. I like being responsible for projects and others.
(P)
19. I enjoy controversial discussions.
(O)
20. I find obstacles challenging.
(H) 7
AT WORK
AWAY FROM WORK 21. I am able to ask for help without feeling guilty.
(F)
22. I can laugh at my mistakes.
(H)
23. I am responsible for my thoughts and actions.
(F)
24. I am direct when I voice my feelings.
(F)
25. I am leading a balanced life.
(M)
26. I am an enthusiastic person.
(B)
27. I use direct eye contact when talking to others.
(N)
28. I genuinely like myself for who I am.
(A)
29. I exercise daily.
(C)
30. I feel it is important to dress for success.
(J)
Add up your points and place your total in the box provided.
TOTAL POINTS
AT WORK
AWAY FROM WORK SCALE (120-150) (90-119) (89-60) (31-59) (0-30)
= = = = =
Very High Self-Esteem Moderately High Self-Esteem Average Self-Esteem Moderately Low Self-Esteem Low Self-Esteem
Before continuing, REVIEW your answers so you will be better prepared to answer the questions in the exercise on the facing page.
PERSONAL AND WORK EVALUATION (Cont’d) SUMMARY
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INSTRUCTIONS: Review the exercise you just completed and place and “X” next to each letter that you feel needs some work. Refer to the letters in parenthesis following each question.
AT WORK
AWAY FROM WORK A. Overall level of self-esteem. B. Positive Mental Attitude C. Physical Exercise Program D. Career Focus / Direction E. Social / Interpersonal Skills F. Assertiveness Training G. Decision-Making H. Risk-Taking / Overcoming Fear I.
Goal Setting Strategies
J.
Personal Appearance / Self-Image
K. Public Speaking Training L. Professional Skills Training M. Balanced Personal and Work Life N. Awareness of Non-Verbal Messages O. Negotiation Skills P. Leadership / Management Training
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WHO WEARS WHAT MASK?
Low self-esteem can destroy a person’s ability to think, feel or act in a positive way. Hiding behind a “mask” may become a common way to cover up true feelings. The result of wearing a mask to fool others often results in guilt, fear, anger, emptiness, loneliness or depression. You need to be able to identify which mask you wear as well as recognize those masks other people wear.
INSTRUCTIONS: Think about people with whom you relate daily. List (first names only) any people who wear the following masks. Include yourself when appropriate.
1.
The Workaholic A person who runs from task to task, unable to rest. One who constantly seeks greater financial gains, higher positions, or respect and admiration from others but who is rarely satisfied with what he or she has.
Names:
2.
1_______________
2________________
3_______________
The Nice Guy/Gal He/she is always there with a shoulder to cry on, offer a helping hand or become the problem solver. This person may be caring for others out of need to be accepted. He/she may put far too much energy into relationships, which can drain ones energy and lower self-esteem.
Names:
1.
1_______________
2________________
3_______________
The Poor Me A person who constantly talks about problems, poor health, or negative family and work issues. He/she needs to draw attention to unpleasant events in order to get attention.
Names:
1_______________
2________________
3_______________
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WHO WEARS WHAT MASK? (Cont’d)
4.
The Trouble Maker A person you can depend on for disagreeing with you about most everything. This person wants to be liked but the result is self-destructive.
Names:
5.
1_______________
2________________
3_______________
The Perfectionist A person who is always striving to be the best; to attain excellence in all that they do. One who is involved in constant comparison with others.
Names:
6.
1_______________
2________________
3_______________
Other Masks People who are always feeling tired, sick, or who have a weak handshake and indirect eye contact. People who constantly feel depressed, anxious or withdrawn. People who are easily angered or always seem to project a negative attitude.
Names:
1_______________
2________________
3_______________
If you recognize a mask that you wear or now can identify ones that others wear, you have a good starting point to understand how to build improved self-esteem.
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Individual Exercise (15 Minutes) Write 3 Affirmations for Each Area Below: Remember, Use "I", make them positive, and create them in the present tense. What I desire to be true about myself as a person... a) b) c)
What I desire to be true about myself as a spouse... a) b) c)
What I desire to be true about myself as a parent or role model... a) b) c)
What I desire to be true about myself as a professional... a) b) c)
What I desire to be true about myself as a member of the community... a) b) c)
What I desire to be true about myself as a ________________... a) b) c)
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THE COMFORT ZONE
I used to have a “comfort zone” where I knew I wouldn’t fail. The same four walls and busy work were really more like jail. I longed, so much, to do the things I’d n ever done before: But I stayed inside my “comfort zone” and paced the same o ld floor I said it didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing much. I said I didn’t care for things like prizes, praise and such. I claimed to be so busy with the things inside the zone: But deep inside I longed for something special of my own. I couldn’t let my life go by just watching others win! I held my breath and stepped outside to let the change begin! I took a step and with new strength I’d never felt before, I kiss my “comfort zone” good-bye and closed and locked the door.
If you are in a “comfort zone” afraid to venture out, Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt. A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true. Greet your future with a smile; success is there for you!
STEP OUT OF YOUR “COMFORT ZONE” AND SMELL THE ROSES ALONG THE WAY …
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SIX SELF ESTEEM BUILDERS
Talk to Yourself Gently Are you your own worst critic? What do you say to yourself as you go through your day? Call yourself bad names and you’ll end up a lot more fatigued than if you whisper sweet somethings. Remember the last time you were embarrassed. Did you say to yourself. “Oh, you dummy, look what a fool you are!” Why not change that self-talk to, “Look at all the attention I’m getting.” Or, it’s OK. I learn from my mistakes. “Instead of saying, “I want everyone to like me,” why not say, “Ninety-nine percent is good enough.” Instead of, “I should get everything I want when I want it!” why not say, I’ll never get all that I want.” Do you get the point? Try to counter your irrational self-talk with positive messages that let you off the hook. Be Realistic Accept your limits as part of your humanness, not as blemishes to be eradicated. So you have a high-pitched voice. So your mind is boggled by numbers. So your foot turns out. So your hair is coarse. So you don’t like everyone you meet. So you can’t act on all your ideas. So what? If no one else notices your good points, pat yourself on the back. Sprinkle your shortcomings with a grain of salt. Avoid comparisons – especially with an “ideal you” based on everyone else’s best traits. Worry Wisely Avoid worrying prematurely about what might happen in the future. When Angie and John anxiously pressed their doctor about how long their diabetic son might live, he wisely replied, “If you cross the bridge before you get there, you’ll have to pay the toll twice.” When you can’t control the outcome, let go. Mark Twain once said, “I’ve seen a great many problems in life and most of them never happened.” Surrender! Some things you simply can’t change. You aren’t God. Don’t hit your head against a stonewall. When you can influence the outcome, worry long enough to warm up for action. Try to live without regrets. Surrender to the flow of life. Let go and laugh. Affirm Your Resources Attend to your internal sources of strength. Keep them in mind and make them work for you, whatever they are. Mother Teresa, a model of caring in the 20th century, was once asked, “What are the sources of your strength?” She replied, “A 98 year-old woman in Philadelphia who prays for me.” Strength is around you and within you. If you get centered and bring your strength alive in your mind, it will work for you. Spend some time alone with yourself, centering in on your internal resources. Focus on What Deeply Satisfies You Occupy yourself and your time with projects, commitments, challenges, and people that help you feel worthwhile. Don’t just put in time labouring at repetitious or meaningless work. Even if you have to “labour” to keep a roof over your head, spend as much energy as possible in your “lifework”. Invest yourself in some creative, meaningful activity that gives you a sense of purpose and worth. You may volunteer respite care for parents of a handicapped child or telephone for United Way or work your 40 hours in critical care. For mental health it’s important that you’re able to say, “I’m useful,” “I held up my end,” “I did good!”
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Hang in There When the Going Gets Tough When you feel as if your world is falling apart and you think you’re going to pieces, don’t withdraw from your meaningful commitments. If you do, you’ll feel useless and you’ll just confirm your sense of falling to pieces. Try to keep performing your responsibilities as normally as possible. Tell yourself, “I’m strong enough,” “I can manage,” “I will grow from this experience.”
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A PERSON WITH GOOD SELF-ESTEEM
1.
Believes they have the right to do what they can to be happy.
2.
Will not conspire in his or her own destruction;
3.
Will act in their own best interest, as they perceive it;
4.
Will acknowledge their own shortcomings and attempt to correct these;
5.
Will respect themselves and others;
6.
Will take full responsibility for their conduct;
7.
Will acknowledge their humanness and that of others;
8.
Will celebrate life in all its forms.
Over time you will learn that you can cope well with life. That life can be rewarding, as well as from time to time difficult. Trust your own ability to look after yourself. You are in the best position to judge what you need to do in order that you may be happy. You are in charge. Your thoughts and feelings, integrated, will guide you. Learn to trust in yourself. No one can know you better than you can know yourself. But ... you have to be honest with yourself, and with reality as you perceive it. Take responsibility for your life in your own hands. Do not avoid suffering discomfort. Go through it and learn.
In Summary:
Accept yourself unconditionally. Learn about your thoughts and feelings.
Integrate thoughts and feelings; check their origins and relevance. Own them.
Assert yourself and take responsibility. If you suffer from time to time, experience that and learn.
Source:
J.L.D. Bate Boerop, B.A., Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist
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ADAPTING NEW HABITS Use the following steps to change unuseful habits into new ones.
1.
First, you must genuinely, congruently want to change. Sometimes a part of us wants to change, and another part doesn't, for example the smoker who wants to quit because he knows it's unhealthy, but there's another part that wants the nicotine. These "parts conflicts" must be resolved. A conscious decision needs to be made, so in the smoking example, he needs to decide what is more important, quitting or feeding the addiction? This is about choosing priorities.
2.
COMMIT . It's that simple. If you're not committed, it won't happen. There are no ways out of this one. Make a decision to change the habit or it won't happen.
3.
Become neutral to your undesirable habits (remove that "glue"). It's important to remember that emotions lock habits in. When you do "bad" things, don't get upset with yourself, that will lock it in even further. Get neutral to the habits you wish to release, and get emotional (e.g. excited) about the new ones you wish to lock in. When you become neutral to your "negative" behaviours, you can release them. The key to this is to have a healthy sense of humour about yourself and your habits. Seriousness is a "curable disease" that will lock you into the habits that you feel serious about. If you are emotionally identified with your habits, they will be yours for a lifetime. For many, adjusting to this attitude is not a trivial task, but with patience and perseverance, this becomes easier. The rewards will come in whatever time it takes. Let the change happen by following these steps, don't force it to happen. Habit change will not speed up with effort. Relax and enjoy the experience.
4.
Imagine yourself in the desired state, and get emotionally involved with it (add the "glue"). This may be new and uncomfortable to some people, but that is how people change. In order to change, you have to let go of your current belief about who you are and create a new one. First you imagine it, and then you become it. You will hear some people say, "I couldn't do that, it wouldn't be me". That is incorrect. You have to become someone new, someone who would not do what you are currently doing. This is a profound concept that deserves some rather deep thought, as its value may not be immediately apparent. So, immediately after becoming neutral to your unuseful habits, see yourself engaged in the useful habit (it is important to see yourself in the picture) and feel the positive emotions of becoming that person (the emotions help to lock in the new identity you are creating for yourself). Do this over and over and over until it works!
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TOWARD / AWAY FROM
There are two ways that we can orient our thoughts and filter our experience. We can choose to think about what we want or we can think about the things that we do not want. This may seem harmless and innocent to the uninitiated, but when we look more closely, it can make the difference between success and failure. In fact, many people believe that ignorance of this distinction is the primary reason why many people in our society are unhealthy, exhausted, lethargic, ignorant, broke, unfulfilled, and miserable. When we repeatedly fill our conscious mind with thoughts of that which we desire, our mind, body and emotions respond in a way that will help us achieve it. Likewise, when we repeatedly think about the undesirable, our mind, body and emotions respond in a way that will align us to those results. The bottom line is this: Whatever we think about most, we tend to get as results and we tend to become as people. This is an exciting opportunity because we can use this way of thinking to change our results. We can become the masters of our own feelings and results by consistently thinking in this certain way. This must be done repeatedly, with vivid pictures, sounds, feelings and emotions and with all the details. If you take a moment to think carefully about anything that you have been successful at in the past, you will find that you have already inherently followed this method. Most people find it simple to think about bad stuff, because our society is oriented that way. It can be a pretty negative place at times. People can imagine themselves having wonderful results that they want but don't have right now, and it will last a few seconds, and then the negative stuff comes creeping in. This is simply a habit that can easily be changed through persistence and using the habit change model.
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RULES FOR BEING HUMAN 1.
YOU WILL RECEIVE
A
BODY
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. 2.
YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3.
THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The 'failed' experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'.
4.
A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5.
LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6.
'THERE' IS NOT BETTER THAN 'HERE' When you're 'there' has become 'here' you will simply obtain another 'there' that will, again, look better than 'here'.
7.
OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8.
WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9.
YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE YOU The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
10.
Try to remember all this.
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ACHIEVING PEAK PERFORMANCE
WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS; THEY BECOME WORDS. WATCH YOUR WORDS; THEY BECOME ACTIONS. WATCH YOUR ACTIONS; THEY BECOME HABITS. WATCH YOUR HABITS; THEY BECOME CHARACTER. WATCH YOUR CHARACTER; IT BECOMES YOUR DESTINY.
FRANK OUTLAW
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APPENDIX RECOMMENDED BOOKS FROM OTHER PUBLISHERS INCLUDE:
Self-Esteem CELEBRATE YOURSELF: MAKING LIFE WORK FOR YOU by Dorothy Briggs HOW DO I LOVE ME? by Helen M. Johnson THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SELF-ESTEEM HOW TO RAISE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM by Nathaniel Branden MAKING CONTACT SELF ESTEEM by Virginia Satir WOMEN AND SELF-ESTEEM by Linda T. Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM by Robert Reasoner
RISK CHANGE & OVERCOME FEAR WHEN SMART PEOPLE FAIL by Carole Hyatt and Linda Gottlieb TRANSITIONS by William Bridges ASSERTING YOURSELF by Sharon and Gordon Bower LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR by Gerald Jampolsky and Jack O'Keeler
CREATE A POSITIVE BELIEF SYSTEM PSYCHO-CYBERNETICS by Maxwell Maltz THINK AND GROW RICH by Napolean Hill THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY by Pierre Mornell STRESS WITHOUT DISTRESS by Hans Selye SEEDS OF GREATNESS by Denis Waitley
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