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PRIMER Appendix: Sex, Relationships & Productivity
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships & Productivity
Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity SEX, RELATIONSHIPS & PRODUCTIVITY
Editor’s Note: This chapter has been separated from the main PDF as an appendix. We understand that sex and relationships are both politically and socially sensitive topics, even within the context of their application to productivity.
“The world’s most productive people are those who understand sex and have it on a regular basis.” - Asian Efficiency Sex is a critically important (and neglected) topic when it comes to our lives and our productivity. A cursory glance will tell you that most people who are happy, healthy and successful – have regular sex. Simply put, there’s never been a time management or productivity book about sex. Every single day we’re bombarded with messages about sex through marketing and advertising channels – sex sells, and it’s obviously of enough primal importance to human beings for it to do that. Yet it’s never discussed in terms of its impact on our work. Sex seems to be this taboo topic that no-one wants to discuss, probably because it’s so polarizing and politicized. Sitting right alongside sex are our romantic relationships. They are also important because they are very much tied to sex, human behavior and how our society has evolved and currently is. And while they get slightly more coverage than sex in time management books, they are only rarely mentioned.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity We would like to say upfront that there’s no such thing as an expert on sex – it is a very varied human activity. We like to think that at Asian Efficiency we bring one perspective, and our research for this chapter brings perspectives from different men/women across different age groups, cultural backgrounds, nationalities and orientations. More importantly, rather than keep things in the moral or theoretical realms, we’re going to make what you’re about to learn about sex, relationships and productivity actionable. You’ll be able to walk away with things not only to think about but to actually do that will increase your productivity.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity SEX COMMON MISTAKES AND MISCONCEPTIONS
There’s no denying the position of prominence that sex enjoys in our society. One third of all Internet traffic is pornography. Women spend hours every week applying makeup and worrying about fashion. Men work 7 days a week in soul-crushing jobs so they can buy things to please their wives. Men and women around the world, play an ever-intricate social mating game with each other to get sex, a relationship or some combination of their choosing. Here are the 2 common mistakes that people make when it comes to sex: 1. Thinking that sex doesn’t drive or motivate them to do anything, because it absolutely does. People have done all manner of incredible and heinous things in the name of love, sex and relationships. Most of what we do day-to-day as human beings is designed to get us more sex, or more commitment in a relationship, or a relationship that we want. 2. Thinking that sex and relationships is the same for men and women. It simply isn’t. While what we’ll be talking about in this chapter will work and apply for both men and women, you will also notice mentions of applicability for men and women. This is not because we favor one gender (or orientation for that matter) over the other - it’s simply biological and social reality that men and women are both made and treated differently. As you go through the action steps below, keep in mind this mindset: Don’t be judgmental about sex or the other gender – both men and women enjoy sex. Take responsibility for your own sex life and relationships, because this will make you more productive.
SEXUAL ENERGY AND TRANSMUTATION
Let’s dive into the practical side of how sex impacts productivity – what is popularly known as “sexual energy and sexual transmutation”. It’s about channeling your thoughts, focus and energy from sex into your work, and using it to send your productivity into overdrive. Yes, it does sound a bit “woo-woo”, but it’s really about controlling desire, and about conserving
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity and channeling the focus and attention that is normally focused on sex (and attraction and flirting) towards productive ends, like getting more things done. SEX TRANSMUTATION
As far as we know, Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich is the modern granddaddy of all theory on sexual energy. Sure, the whole idea of conserving sexual energy does go back further to Taoist and other Eastern traditions, but the first widespread, modern record is from Hill. There are a couple of interesting things about what Hill wrote: • He never actually tells you what to do, but does wax lyrical and skirt around the topic a lot. • He only talks about men. • When people talk about Think and Grow Rich, no one ever mentions the sex transmutation chapter. CHANNELING SEXUAL ENERGY (TRANSMUTATION)
As far as we can tell, the theory and scientific background for conserving sexual energy is fairly poor, and most accounts are self-reported, common folk knowledge or observational. So let’s skip that and get right into the how of channeling sexual energy – how to turn your desire, your love, your romance, your attraction… into action towards productive things. In conversations with clients and our blog readers, we have found that the principles of this are the same for men and women. The real-life application may be slightly different as there are obviously anatomical and biological differences between men and women, and also socially-enforced gender roles and expectations (which have more of an effect on our psychology and mindset than we give them credit for).
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity STOP MASTURBATING
Here’s what Napoleon Hill was trying to tell you but couldn’t find the right words to do so:
Stop Masturbating. It’s that simple. At this point, women may be thinking “no problem”, and men start hyperventilating. Why? There are a lot of reasons. For men (we’ll get to women shortly): • Fewer ejaculations equate to better focus and a greater ability to work. Your body actually builds up larger quantities of testosterone. • Historically speaking, most men masturbated as teenagers growing up, but as they settled into a marriage or relationships, most dropped, or at least decreased the frequency of the habit. With the advent of Internet pornography though, this process has gone out the window. • If you abuse masturbation, it becomes a success barrier in your life. Think about all the time you’ve spent masturbating, and the opportunity cost. • Giving up masturbation helps you give up pornography, which has its own set of problems. We’ll discuss that later in this chapter. The mechanism upon which this works is largely unknown and most people try to explain it spiritually through chakras and energy points and whatnot, but basically you conserve energy/hormones/emotion/focus and are able to channel them into other things, creating incredible results.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity Now while the instructions are simple, the application is not. Most modern men simply cannot stop masturbating. Interestingly enough, more women than men can stop masturbating. Here are some tips for making this happen: • Recognize that you will feel the need to masturbate or have sex. Keep having sex. But if masturbation is your only option – don’t. In the beginning, it’s just your body going through withdrawal from a longformed habit. Instead of masturbating, force yourself to sit down and work – over time, this gets easier and the work you produce will be of incredible quality (not to mention efficient). • Seriously, resist the temptation to masturbate. If you really can’t stand it, talk to your partner, or call your girlfriend/a girl over. It’s better. • If you really can’t concentrate on work, you need to switch up activities. Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Go out and flirt with women. You can do anything else – as long as it’s not watching porn or masturbating. AND SEX?
You’ll notice that we’ve said to keep on having sex. Your body knows the difference between sexual intercourse and masturbation. Your mind does too. After intercourse, you get a healthy dose of oxytocin and testosterone. After masturbation, you mostly get dopamine, which can dramatically throw off your mental state (especially if you masturbate a lot). What about oral sex or digital stimulation? Well, there’s no concrete data available, but our best guess is that the presence of sexual partner has something to do with hormone release, and that both are somewhere inbetween masturbation and intercourse. After you have sex, be sure to take zinc supplements. Zinc provides the raw material for the production of prostate fluid and semen, and your body will be in a deficit after sex. All the benefits that men derive from sexual intercourse, women also derive (albeit, in the form of estrogen, not testosterone). We’ve also been told by numerous women that sex provides a giant emotional and physical reset for them, reducing stress, unblocking emotions and even resolving migraines.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity Probably something to do with all those good hormones. MASTURBATION FOR WOMEN?
As we noted earlier, Hill never mentions how women can channel sexual energy in Think and Grow Rich. We suspect that this is because at time of writing, there just weren’t as many women climbing corporate ladders and achieving the awesome things as there are today, so Hill had no reference point. There may also have been less understanding about the nature of female desire and libido in Hill’s time. So, the interesting question is – will simply stopping masturbation and focusing in on a mission work for women too? We don’t see any reason that it won’t. The biological nature of the female orgasm and sexual response may differ from that of men, but there is absolutely no reason this cannot work for women too. We should note however, that some Taoist and Eastern traditions that postulate that when a woman orgasms, she expends far less “energy” than when a man does (they offer this as a explanation for women being multiorgasmic while most men are not). This sort of makes sense – men ejaculate semen upon orgasm, women do not (female ejaculation is something entirely different). Less sexual energy spent means less of a need to conserve it, meaning that women are probably already channeling it into other things effectively, so conserving and channeling a bit more through refraining from masturbation may not yield as much of a noticeable result as it does for men.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity MAKING LOVE TO YOUR MISSION
So now that you have all this pent-up sexual energy from not masturbating, the question becomes what do you do with it. There are two options here. 1. If you are pretty self-disciplined, simply take your mission in life and follow it. Use the internal arousal and desire and focus in on that mission with everything that you have. If you don’t have a mission, we have a great article on discovering your purpose here. 2. If you have trouble being self-disciplined, you want to learn to make love to your mission. Give it a form, make it feel sexy, and feel love for it. Once you’ve done this, get to it. Yes, here at Asian Efficiency, we do indeed make love to productivity on a daily basis. This is not a complex process, or magical in any way. Whenever you feel the need to masturbate, simply sit down, and focus on your work or passion project instead. For example, say night time rolls around and you’re sitting in bed and the idea of an evening full of pornography and masturbation starts to form in your mind. Instead of locating the computer and some Kleenex, pick something important and work on that instead. Grab the computer and start writing a blog post. Work on that report that’s been overdue for 2 weeks. Head outside for a 20 minute walk. Instead of sitting there mulling over the fact that you could be masturbating, find something else to occupy your mind and thoughts instead – something productive is usually better than say
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity watching television or reading a book. When you start to do this, amazing things happen in your life. The most noticeable will be how productive and efficient you become at getting things done. People around you will also sense it – and you’ll start to attract good things into your life, be they resources, contacts, people or romantic prospects. CRUSHES
The idea of a “crush” has biological roots in the concept of pair bonding – where we want to have one partner and enjoy and spend time with them. Credit goes to Arden Leigh from A Weapon of Mass Seduction for pointing this out to us. Simply put, having a crush is having emotions or feelings channeled towards the potential of a future pair bond (“love”). The urge to pair bond is extremely strong in human beings, and as Arden Leigh puts it, “You’ll do anything to impress them”. This can be someone you’re already in a relationship with (spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee), or someone you would like to be in a relationship with. For women, it is more of an emotional crush than a sexual one. This is because sex is typically an emotional experience for women, whereas for men there tends to be a clear separation between the physical and emotional components. Channeling this crush is simple: simply think of the object of your crush as
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity you’re working on projects, and push forward with them. If you read the chapter on sex transmutation in Think and Grow Rich carefully, you’ll notice that Hill makes a lot of references to finding the “right woman” to act as a sort-of muse for men. For men, finding a specific woman to direct this energy towards may be helpful but isn’t actually necessary. The energy/built-up emotions and feelings that come from following the protocol of: 1. Not masturbating. 2. Continuing to have sex as per normal. 3. Continuing on your mission in life. This is more than enough for most men. This is mostly because men have a biological imperative (backed by large amounts of testosterone) to seek out new partners all the time, and thus focusing on a specific woman isn’t as necessary to channel their sex drive. Men simply aren’t wired to be as predisposed to pair bonding or “getting a crush” as women are. If anything, men have more of a “sexual crush”, which can be incredibly powerful in boosting productivity and motivation (essentially the same thing as refraining from masturbation, and using thoughts of sex/women to focus in on work). There is a problem with this though – this sexual crush quickly fades once a man has had sex with the object of his crush, and men who are quite successful with women tend not to get crushes. As a women, having a crush is incredibly powerful and motivating. It will help you do amazing things. As a man, if you can use sexual crushes to help motivate you, great. If not, just stop masturbating and focus on your mission. FEMININITY AND MASCULINITY
Warning: this section is not politically-correct. We briefly mentioned before the “man on a mission” effect – where a man channeling all his energy and concentration and focus into his mission in life becomes magnetic and starts to draw in all the things he needs. This is because part of masculine nature is having a mission in life. It fits in nicely.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity Women have this too, but they have another way of getting it: femininity. Femininity is the one huge thing that separates women from men (and masculinity separates men from women). It seems obvious, but in today’s world it often is not. Now what exactly to do we mean by femininity? Some modern interpretations would be: • Taking care of oneself – exercise, diet, appearance. • Feminine grace and poise. More than that, it is being a woman rather than a man. The clearest example of this is spending time in countries like Sweden or Norway – egalitarian and developed societies by any measure, but you can obviously tell that the women are happy with being women, while the men are happy with being men. Women who have embraced their femininity have a balance and poise that is apparent to the people around them – it shows that you’ve got being a woman handled. As one of our female contributors put it to us: it creates selfconfidence and makes her feel better about herself. In turn, this leads to an increased motivation to do things, and a more productive life. Similar to how we’ve looked at sexual energy and a mission for men, an abundance of feminine energy attracts resources, people, ideas, creativity and a whole lot more into a woman’s life. And the question has to be asked – what about masculine traits and traditionally male achievements? Those are great – provided that you have the femininity aspect in place already. Sure, there are plenty of successful women today with strongly masculine traits and nature, and very little hints of femininity. But you’ll probably notice that 1) they tend to be older, 2) men treat them as men, not as women. And in doing so, these women lose out on the benefits that feminine energy could bring them. For women: Embrace femininity first. Masculine traits are a choice and a bonus on top.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity The flipside is true for men. About 90% of what it takes to be a “man’s man” lies in having a strong mission and purpose in life, and pursuing it and making it come first – before anything else. In doing so, you get that attractive effect of drawing people and resources in to help you do what you need to do. We all have friends and family who ask us to “get in touch with our feminine side”. Our suggestion? Do the flipside of what we just suggested for women – get your masculine nature down first, then selectively adopt feminine traits if they help you. If not, don’t worry about them and just get on with your mission in life. For men: Embrace your masculinity. Feminine traits to be selectively adopted as a choice.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity PORNOGRAPHY “Pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.” – John Mayer, musician. No discussion of sex and productivity would be complete without a discussion of pornography and how it affects us today. This section is really written for men. Women are welcome to read too, but let’s face it – men are by far the largest consumers of pornography (there’s that biological difference again). I think most people will agree that the male consumption of pornography tends to be accompanied by masturbation. It may eventually develop to a point where someone consumes pornography without masturbation, but for most people, the two are linked. At the most basic, rawest level, less masturbation increases productivity (as outlined earlier), and less consumption of pornography is less time watching something unproductive. In the long term, less reliance on a television or computer screen for entertainment means an increased ability to concentrate and focus on tasks, thus raising productivity levels as well. So: Less porn = less time passively watching a screen = less masturbation = more time to do other things.
PORNOGRAPHY AND ADDICTION
There is a lot of biology and neuroscience around why pornography is problematic and why it drains our ability to be productive. We are going to present a short synopsis here, and would encourage you to do your own research online if you’re interested. Basically, when you watch porn, it instructs your body to release dopamine into your system. Why? Well, there’s a sequence of things that happen that lead to this.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity The human body is built to binge on two things: food and sex (reproductive opportunities). This is because in pre-agricultural times, these were two rare commodities that your body’s binge mechanism was designed to take advantage of. The modern variants are sugar and pornography. When you masturbate, your body releases dopamine, culminating in orgasm which is a large hit of dopamine. Over time and repeated exposure, your brain begins to start releasing dopamine in anticipation of masturbation and orgasm – it essentially becomes wired to release dopamine every single time you watch porn. Because dopamine essentially motivates us towards specific behaviors, once this link is established, watching porn equates to dopamine release. An addiction loop is formed. This is not the whole picture however. There are some very unique factors that make this loop possible in the modern day. The first is the Coolidge Effect. The Coolidge Effect is a biological phenomenon where animals seek out new sexual partners even when they have access to current ones. What this means is that simply more of the same isn’t enough – you need variety and novelty when it comes to sex. This is where modern pornography comes into play – it offers unlimited variety with an unlimited number of new “partners”. The second, is the unique nature of modern pornography. Modern porn is widely available, it’s typically free or low-cost and it can be consumed privately without social ramifications. More importantly, there is unlimited novelty and variety available on the Internet, with only the speed of your broadband connection being a limiting factor. Essentially, there are no limits to the consumption of pornography today, and as your brain seeks out more sexual novelty (the Coolidge Effect), online porn is there, ready to serve up whatever you’re looking for. The third, is human brain plasticity. Most people don’t realize this, but our brains are extremely adaptable. Essentially, actions or behaviors are stored in what are called neurons, which can be thought of pathways to certain behavior. These neurons are very much like physical pathways – the more
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity they are used, the more durable and marked they become. This is why human beings are able to learn through conditioning and repeated actions. With pornography, our brains learn certain patterns regarding sex after viewing. Because of the Coolidge Effect, once these patterns are repeated enough or become “worn out”, we seek out new pathways. This in turn produces a never-ending cycle of seeking out new and more novel pornography, which is essentially an addiction. The nature of this addiction is similar to other addictions like comfort eating (remember that the brain is wired to binge on food and sex), but is different because novelty matters more than quantity.
THE PROBLEM WITH PORNOGRAPHY
Now you may be thinking – OK, this is nice to know… but are there any real problems from watching a lot of porn? Well, yes there are: • Watching porn takes time. It might not seem like a lot, but 10 minutes here, 30 minutes there… it all adds up to time that can be better spent doing other things. • Pornography paints an unrealistic portrayal of female behaviors and appearance. This obviously has implications for your relationships, and thus your life and productivity. • Pornography alters your sexual tastes and preferences over time. This one is really interesting. Think about it: if your brain is wired to seek out new and novel porn again and again and again… what do you think will happen when you’ve exhausted “normal” pornographic content? You start looking for more extreme fetishes and kinks – thus, the large percentage of men out there watching pornography that has nothing do to with their actual sexual likes or orientation. • Increased chance of erectile dysfunction. Enough said. • Increased levels of social anxiety due to lower dopamine level between sessions of pornography (when you have high dopamine levels). • A lack of motivation. Probably from masturbation. • Bad real-world relationships due to a skewed view of the female gender. • Essentially, pornography alongside masturbation is about your brain seeking dopamine highs, not sex.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity SOLUTIONS TO PORNOGRAPHY
The simplest solution is what we’ve mentioned a couple of times above: stop watching porn. There are obviously, some considerations though. It is very possible that you will go through withdrawal problems in cutting back your porn usage. Just like a drug or other addiction, you need to be aware of this and know how to deal with it – because it’s going to take time. Our suggestion is to replace the cravings and urges with something productive – go work or produce something creative, or really focus in on your mission in life. Numerous forums and support groups on the Internet recommend eliminating sex and masturbation during your “reboot” period. To be honest, no one at Asian Efficiency has a pornography addiction, so we don’t have any personal experience in this regard. From a productivity standpoint, cutting out masturbation is a good move – your productivity levels will go up. As for sex, well, some people say that no sex helps them get through the process. Our opinion is that normal, regular sex is a healthy thing (and has lots of benefits). You may be wondering if it’s necessary to cut all porn from your life, or if it’s even a problem for you. Here’s a good test that is quoted across most forums and support groups dealing with the issue: can you get it up for a real woman that is considered attractive? If the answer is no, or if you would rather masturbate with pornography instead of having sex with a real woman, then you have a porn addiction problem. As for the issue of removing all porn – casual partaking is fine. And by casual, think back to when your parents got a new copy of Playboy once a month in the mail. You can bet that they weren’t flipping through the pages 24/7/365.
BENEFITS FROM NO PORNOGRAPHY
Obviously there need to be benefits to cutting back from pornography for us to mention it. In addition to resolving most of the problems mentioned above, you also get:
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity • More time to do other things. Less screen time with porn equals more time elsewhere. • Less screen time in general. In our opinion, while porn is unique, you can easily substitute porn with your favorite TV series or video games. The more time you spend away from the computer for leisure, the more productive your time working at the computer will be. • You train your self-discipline by not watching porn and not masturbating. • You gain a more realistic assessment of female beauty. This is not about tricking your mind into believing that what society or marketers say about “female beauty” is right – it’s about recognizing that most “average” women in the world don’t look like porn stars. • Better connections with women. This is a maybe. Most men who stop consuming porn report that it makes their connections with women deeper. We’re ambivalent on this one, as we think it has more to do with men inflating women’s sexual attractiveness (and thus other traits) in the lead-up to sex.
THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION
This wouldn’t be Asian Efficiency if we didn’t offer some sort of step-by-step action plan to go about implementing all this. Here it is. 1. Cut down on viewing porn, or eliminate it completely. We already know the benefits of cutting out masturbation, and if you do that, you’ll find your porn consumption drastically reduced too. Note: a little bit here and there with your partner is not a bad thing. 2. Go spend more time with real women instead. This one is a hard idea to swallow for most “porn recovery” sites and support groups. Why? Because it indirectly encourages men to well, be men - which in the current climate, is politically incorrect. Whether this means spending more time with your girlfriend/partner/spouse, or whether it means spending more time doing activities where you can interact with real women, it’s up to you. All we know for sure, is that interacting with real women is better than watching porn. 3. Get a more realistic perspective on sex. This leads on from #2 – the more you interact with women, the more you’ll realize just how much
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity human sexual behaviors and “norms” vary. Most people still don’t recognize that there are both young and old men and women out there are playing out all manner of sexual scenarios, kinks and fantasies.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS No discussion of sex and its effects on the human brain and functioning is complete without a discussion of love, and the social structures that bind people together – relationships.
BREAKING DOWN LOVE
As geeky as it is to break down love into component pieces, as productivity nerds, that’s what we’ve done. There are hundreds if not thousands of philosophical interpretations of love, which makes it unusually difficult to pin down, quantify or analyze. For the purpose of productivity, it’s better to take a practical look at it by examining the neuroscience behind what happens to the brain when someone is in love. In this sense, we’re interpreting “love” as a chemical reaction within the brain, or a motivational drive for future rewards (incidentally, also a chemical reaction). Our breakdown of love is: 1. Sexual desire. 2. Love as a drive or motivation. 3. Pair bonding. The two chemicals in play when love is involved are dopamine and oxytocin. If you know a bit about popular neuroscience, you’ll recognize these as the same chemicals involved with food, drugs and addiction – which is why food, drugs and other addictive substances are often substituted in an absence of love. The Sexual Desire component of love is essentially about strong dopamine release. As you “fall in love” with someone on a physical level, your brain rewards you by bumping up your dopamine levels. The Drive/Motivation component of love comes from an initial dopamine release in the body when you are in love. It is a rush that has addictive qualities, and is the explanation for why people who are in love are often obsessive, or addicted to the object of their affection. There are a couple of interesting ramifications leading from this. The first is that as with all
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity addictions, you can build up tolerance to the dopamine release (making you want more of that person), and you can suffer withdrawal symptoms and relapse symptoms too. The second is that because drive/motivational love is dopamine based, you can do it again and again with different people. The Pair Bonding aspect of love is about attachment and security. Pair Bonding essentially describes the tendency of certain animals to form paired relationships and remain in them for a duration of time. It is caused by the release of the hormone oxytocin into our systems, which is caused by behaviors like cuddling, touching or kissing. Essentially, it is that feeling you have when you want someone to cuddle and “hang out” with. Pair bonding is more of an emotional attachment than a sexual one, because of its basis in oxytocin, not dopamine. Knowing all this is nice in theory, but there is a practical side to it too. By understanding that love can be broken down into component pieces, we can better understand our choices and responses towards our partners (or potential partners). Hopefully, this leads to more rational decisions and more effective choices that help us rather than hamper us in our pursuit of goals.
SOCIAL MONOGAMY AND SEXUAL PROMISCUITY
One of the derivations from understanding that love consists of three things (sexual desire, drive/motivation and pair bonding) is that these components can often be conflicting and can pull us in opposite directions. The one that affects our productivity the most is the interaction between our sexual desires, and our need to pair bond. We like to think of it as Pair Bonding vs the Coolidge Effect (the need to seek variety and novelty when it comes to sexual partners). Pair Bonding is the observed behavior that makes us focus in on one partner and essentially become attached to them. The best scientific guess for why this behavior exists is because pair bonding is beneficial for raising offspring. Now most people like to think that human beings are rational creatures, and a certain measure of intelligence above other animals. But consider this: society has developed in such a way that it encourages us to be socially monogamous, while allowing us to be sexually promiscuous.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity Social monogamy is incredibly advantageous to society and the human race as a whole, and without a doubt the accepted norm. It is also the norm because of the benefits that it brings to society: reduced competition among men for sexual partners, and an overall increase in savings, child investment and economic productivity at a national level. Why does it work? Because it locks down the male sex drive into paternal investment (good for society) rather than letting it run wild seeking new partners. It’s interesting to note that historically, most of the world abandoned polygamy and adopted monogamy as a norm during the height of Western power and influence – basically, they saw the stability benefits of having a monogamy-based society and followed suit. Society has also evolved in a such a way that there are few-to-no consequences towards sexual promiscuity. In most developed nations it’s certainly not illegal, and for the most part it is practiced with varying levels of discretion among all social classes. Our theory? These opposing behaviors are rooted in biology, and modern society has simply adapted to accommodate both of them. Once we understand that there’s a biological cause for why men like to stare at a woman’s cleavage, or why people fall in and out of love, a couple of things happen: • We stop feeling guilt/shame/bad about it, because it’s something that’s happening at a biological level. • We can learn how to set boundaries and expectations within our relationships to reduce the drama and emotional swings. Put together, these two things lead to increased productivity.
TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships are complicated. There are an infinite variety of relationships out there, and they all impact your productivity in different ways. As it’s not viable to look at every single variation, here are some overarching concepts that will be helpful: • There are many, many different types of relationship out there, and all can help or hamper your productivity in different ways, so be aware of
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity that. • None is inherently better than another, and it’s up to you (and your goals in life) to decide which is best for you. • No relationship of any kind “completes you” as a person, or brings about a dramatic change in life circumstance that fixes everything. A lot of people look at a relationship as a “magic pill” that will help them achieve their goals overnights (especially people getting married). This is simply not true. The only way to get to your goals faster is by setting them properly, and then taking measurable action towards them.
PICKING THE RIGHT PARTNER
If there is one thing you should take away from this chapter, it is the importance of picking the right partner FOR YOU, and understanding how the right/wrong person, can make or break your productivity. Most people get into relationships too quickly. This is because of a number of reasons: • There’s social pressure from a peer group, family or society. For example, a lot of young people end up in relationships with someone before they even know anything about them. Ever wake up the morning after with someone asking “can I be your girlfriend?” True story. • Lots of people are more enamored with the idea of being in a relationship rather than the actual relationship itself. Also known as “serial monogamy”. • Biology. Our brains are wired to seek out new partners, and to bond with potential partners. The socially-acceptable way to do that, is to start a relationship with them. Why is picking the right partner so important? To quote Napoleon Hill: WRONG SELECTION OF A MATE IN MARRIAGE. This is a most common cause of failure. The relationship of marriage brings people intimately into contact. Unless this relationship is harmonious, failure is likely to follow. Moreover, it will be a form of failure that is marked by misery and unhappiness, destroying all signs of AMBITION.
Basically, not picking the right partner is a huge waste of time and resources down the line – both in terms of productivity and in terms of a potentially
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity messy breakup (let’s not even start on divorce). The simple solution to this is to pick the right partner – which is easier said than done of course. The only fool-proof way (no matter what online dating sites tell you) is to test drive before buying. To borrow an analogy from buying a car: in order to find the perfect car, you need to test drive many cars beforehand. The unfortunate reality is, most people never get around to seeing what they really want and value in a partner, because they don’t have enough experience with a variety of men/women. It is crucially important to have “relationships” (and we use the term loosely) with many different people in order to understand who your emotional matches and sexual matches are. Every time you go through a relationship, you get one step closer to working out what it is you want in a potential partner. It’s probably not what most people want to hear, but you need to experience both good and bad relationships to know the difference between them. There are two other factors at play in this process of “test driving” potential partners: the timeframe (no one wants to spend 50 years looking for “the one”), and standards. Realistically, you don’t have the time to meet everyone on the planet and find the perfect match for yourself. How long it takes before you really know someone depends on a number of factors including proximity, frequency of contact, shared social group etc… but a good shorthand would be: • In today’s world, 3-4 months. Especially if under social pressure or constraints. • In an ideal world, 2-3 years. People change over time. The one hitch in the process of test driving and picking the right partner, is standards. The reason why standards are problematic is biological: everyone wants the best partner that they can get. Men want more attractive women, and women typically want their “ideal man”, and no one wants to settle. The real-world action step from this is simple: be realistic with your
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity standards. Statistically speaking, you are not going to find the “100% perfect” person for you – unless you’re extremely, extremely lucky. And it should be obvious that it is physically impossible for you to meet every single person on the planet. A better strategy is this: aim for 80% compatibility, and grow together from there.
FOR MEN: DON’T FALL INTO PLAYBOY MODEL SYNDROME
Most men select women based largely on looks. We’ve discussed the biological roots of this before, and this is only reinforced by the availability of media and pornography. The women who appear in pornography and in advertising are essentially the top 10% of the female population in terms of physical attractiveness (and let’s not get into what makeup, lighting and Photoshop can do). In turn, more and more men today find “average” or “plain jane”-looking women unattractive. The female response to this is a larger number of women dressing “sluttier” and more in-line with the expectations set by pornography and advertisements. The solution for men is this: • Remember that most women are not: 1) domestic goddesses in the kitchen, 2) savvy socialites at corporate events for the PR firm they own, and 3) pornstar extraordinaires in the bedroom, all at the same time.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity They may become all these things over the course of a relationship, but don’t expect them up front – 80% is good enough. • Remember that makeup, lighting and art direction has a HUGE effect on how a woman looks and appears – keep this in mind the next time you’re watching television or pornography.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity FOR WOMEN: DON’T FALL INTO THE BRADLEY COOPER EFFECT
A lot of modern women have a 125-something point checklist when they’re searching for “the one”. It’s important to understand where this checklist comes from.
Exhibit A
Without a doubt, that is one good-looking man. In films, he happens to play characters who are also: • Smart. • Intelligent. • Sophisticated. • Funny. • Charming. • Just the right amount of self-deprecating. • Sensitive… and the list goes on.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity Much in the same way that pornography has created an unrealistic measure of women’s appearances for men, Bradley Cooper (and other similar imagery) have created an unrealistic measure of men’s attributes for women. Women, biologically being the more valuable gender, get to set the ground rules for when and where sex and relationships happens. Men in turn, will adapt to whatever women are demanding from the sexual marketplace. Combine this with that 125-something point checklist, and the male response is to do one of two things: • Focus in on that niche of women who respond favorably to whatever attribute they happen to have (height, hair color, ethnicity, career status etc). You only have to spend one night at an expat bar in Bangkok to see this response in full force. • Focus on developing traits that women find universally attractive in men – social dominance and social skills. The solution for women is this: • Remember that 80% is good enough. • Don’t make your checklist too long.
RELATIONSHIP EFFECTS
It’s worth repeating at this point what we mentioned above in the section on relationships: finding a compatible partner, no matter how wonderful, will not “complete” or dramatically change your life. Having a partner however, will have carry-on effects in your life, not least with your levels of productivity and motivation. Here are some different things that tend to happen: • If you find someone you’re truly happy with – in the beginning you will be happy, motivated, and have an abundance of energy to do amazing things. Also, being in a relationship with someone you’re happy with gives you the time and energy to focus on other parts of your life. Over time however, you tend to become less motivated and less productive. Why? Because you’ve fulfilled a biological imperative, and your brain is essentially saying “you’re done”. Sad, but true.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity • If you feel like you’ve “settled” for what you can get, you won’t be happy, and you may even find yourself more motivated to improve the rest of your life to find a better partner. • If you have a strong mission in life outside of your partner (regardless of if you’re happy or if you’ve settled), you’ll stay motivated and productive. A strong mission in life trumps any effects a partner has on you.
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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity IN CLOSING This chapter is our attempt to simplify what is a very complex set of ideas and concepts about sex, relationships and productivity. We hope that it has given you a lot to think about, and that some of the higher-level ideas help shed some light on the behaviors of people around you, and why human beings do the things they do. On the action-oriented side of things, here is what you need to be doing to “handle” this area of your life, and use it to boost your productivity and help you, rather than hamper you: 1. Stop masturbating. 2. Stop watching pornography. 3. Keep having sex. 4. Identify your mission in life and channel any attention, arousal or feelings towards it. 5. Get a crush. 6. If you’re woman, embrace your femininity. If you’re man, embrace your masculinity. 7. Understand that there are a variety of relationships out there, and they help and hamper you in different ways. 8. Pick the right partner, using realistic standards.
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