The Connection Toolbox – 12 Tools For Deep Connection
Authors Bryan Bayer, AMP co-founder Decker Cunov, AMP co-founder
OVERVIEW OF THE CONNECTION PRACTICES: Like an NBA basketball player drills on the basics to make art in the moment, or a martial artist trains in particular moves, these Connection Practices are your “chops” for creating deep connection and rewarding interactions. As you practice your “chops”, you’ll find yourself putting these pieces together, doing “combo-moves”, and eventually weaving them like a symphony, and as they become second-nature to you, you’ll find yourself making ART in your interactions…! THIS IS AN OVERVIEW, NOT A COMPREHENSIVE MANUAL I could write for days about these practices, but the bottom line is that most of this stuff is NOT best learned from reading about it. Read through the practices, pick a couple to explore for a few days, and give it a shot even if you’re not completely sure how it will land, and then adjust from there. But first, I’m going to share with you an article I wrote a couple years ago for our AMP Inner Circle Members that demonstrates several of these practices in a fun interaction I had with a woman at a house party. I’m sharing this story with you to show you: How these Connection Practices apply in a real-world situation – even with a woman who’s pretty feisty! That this isn’t just a “Decker-only” skill – I didn’t always relate to women like this, but I learned it, Decker learned it, and YOU can learn this, too. And since I’m an uber-geek about this stuff, I’ll break down the stages of the AMP Holarchy and the AMP Connection Practices as they come into play during the interaction – and note them in Blue.
“Intense First Encounter” At a house party I noticed a woman -- she was petite, small features, short curly brown hair, and cute… but looked tense and hard somehow. We happened to make eye contact, and I found myself playing with her wordlessly, making faces at her, exaggerating my expression, while maintaining eye contact… Me:
Hi! Her: >defiantly> Oh, you don’t wanna have a staring contest with ME… I’ll win. Me: Oh yeah?
And so it begins… we square off, and sure enough, this girl can hold her own. [Connection Practice: Playing a Game] I step closer to amp up the intensity, so we’re almost nose-to-nose now, full, unblinking eye contact, in silence… I can feel people in the party out of the corner of my eye starting to look at us, like, “What are they DOING?” After about 30 seconds, I’m feeling tired of this “challenger game”…I’m ready to change things up a bit.
Me: I’m noticing I want to feel more of a connection with you, than competition with you… (Express a Desire [Integrity]) Her: What do you mean? Me: … (Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Me: Well, It feels like we’re two plus signs… Me: And I’m wanting to feel more of a circuit of connection… (Express a Desire [Integrity]) Her: Me: So… I could soften, and be more yin, more receptive… Her: Me: … cause you’re SURE as hell not gonna let go… (celebrating her resistance to opening up…this is fun! - Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Her: Damn straight!
Me: Oh, I see… the times when you’ve let someone in… you’ve been hurt. (PRESENCE, APPRECIATION of Shared Humanity between us – Offer Reflection [Appreciation]) Her: Multiple times.
Me: So you’ve hardened yourself with a shell…
Me: …to make sure it never happens again… Me: Wow…I can feel you softening now… it feels really good… (Share Impact [Appreciation]) Her: Stop it!
Me: It’s beautiful, your opening… (technically not “owning my truth”, but this is just what came out)
Her: STOP IT! Me: Do you really mean that? Seems to me you WANT to be seen… (Exploring Dissonance [Integrity]) Me: But it’s scary… Her: I don’t even KNOW you. Why the hell should I trust YOU? Me: Good question. You’ve got no reason to trust me, do you? We just met. (APPRECIATION & INTEGRITY—Remaining Composed, being a YES to her test/resistance… Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Her: Whoah. You’re good. Every other guy I’ve said that to argues with me, tries to convince me why I should trust him… Who ARE you? Where are you from?
Her: How old are you? I’m probably too old for you… (she’s getting a little wound up, not quite sure what to do with herself…it’s adorable…) Me: Let’s slow down for a moment, and just breathe together for a second… (Offer Direction [Integrity])
We had a fun adventure from here on out…
NOW, YOU CAN REFERENCE EACH POINT IN THE STORY WITH THE PRACTICE THAT WAS BEING APPLIED… Plus, we've gone meticulously through every segment of the Getting Her World Program and listed examples of where each of these practices is demonstrated, in the moment, with time codes. So if you're looking to train in a particular practice, you can simply skip to those spots and watch example after example.
Speak the Moment PART OF THE HOLARCHY: PRESENCE
OVERVIEW Speaking the Moment is an aspect of Presence because it requires you to be watching and listening, in the moment. It could be argued that most of these practices are expressions of Speaking the Moment (Explore Incongruity, Offer Reflection, Own A Desire, Reference an Earlier Theme)… But for the purposes of this guide, I’ll refer to Speaking The Moment as whenever we’re pointing out an expression, pattern, or defensive habit that we’ve discussed before, that we’re catching in-the-moment, right as it happens.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: A simple, fun example of the joy of speaking the moment: “I’m really enjoying your laughter right now” (Share Impact, Offer Reflection) She laughs again “Yes, that!” (Speak the Moment) She laughs again “Yeah, that’s it again…!” (Speak the Moment) She laughs again …and so on…
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Offer Reflection
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segment 3 (2:43), 9 (2:05), 11 (1:36, 2:44), 12 (1:16), 13 (3:31), 15 (1:32), 16 (3:18), 21 (0:39) Karina segment 5 (2:07), 9 (0:43), 16 (0:36), 17 (0:50), 24 (1:54), 29 (1:13), Kendra segment 5 (2:14), 5 (2:40)
Offer Reflection PART OF THE HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
OVERVIEW My friend and former AMP Facilitator Guy Sengstock is fond of saying, “You can’t see your own eyeball.” The power of Offering Reflection is that we get to give someone the gift of themselves, through our eyes. It’s a generous way of living in the world. Man, there’s a lot that I could say about this practice. I’ll cover some of the main points:
OFTEN CONFUSED WITH “GIVING COMPLIMENTS” Offering reflection can be confused with “giving compliments”, and they’re very different in that there’s no inherent EVALUATION inside of offering a reflection, as opposed to compliments, which are generally “positive”. Whereas the goal of a compliment “You’re great” “You’re pretty” “You are very generous” is usually to “make someone feel good”, the “goal”(more an opportunity, really) of Offering Reflection is to have them feel uniquely seen -- and to speak to the deeper layers of BEING, to that person’s ESSENCE.
EXAMPLE OF OFFERING REFLECTION This is an excerpt from a blog post written by a girl who I’d recently met -- she calls me “Caleb” for anonymity purposes. It demonstrates the power of Offering Reflection over Giving Compliments: -------------"You have the most beautiful eyes,” DOES NOT BEAT:
"You know what I like about you. You have no filter. You say what you want to say and it's not awkward or mean. It's just what you want to say." THIS is what Caleb said. "Your skin is like...porcelain," DOES NOT BEAT:
"Have you always been this innocent? This full of wonder?" THIS is what Caleb said. Written down--maybe the innocent thing sounds cheesy, untrue, a ridiculous exaggeration. But honestly, I am innocent. I am full of wonder. Despite all the men, despite all the threesomes, despite the recent broken heart, despite the BDSM and the orgies and the strapons--I'm innocent. I'm full of wonder. I look at this world I'm in and created for myself and I'm like--ahh. Wonderful. These are things that Caleb said. Because he was responding to what I was giving him. ----------------
It’s not so much the words as the flavor behind the words…hopefully this helps clarify the “tone” of Offering Reflection…
Offering Reflection isn’t inherently “positive or negative” – I’ve offered reflection that most people might consider “negative”, yet they felt seen, and we felt closer as a result.
TO A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, I OFFERED THIS REFLECTION -‐-‐ NOT NECESSARILY “GOOD” OR “BAD”: “You know, my experience of you is that you have no morals. It seems that there’s a part of you that actually doesn’t care about ANY of this. And while that has me concerned about whether you have my best interests in mind, I also find you incredibly trustable, because since you ARE so “unplugged” from needing anyone to feel good about you or to like you, it frees you up to say WHATEVER is really true for you – and THAT is something I find really trustable about you.” So, as you can see, it doesn't have to be all “positive”. And you can see that I mixed in Offering Reflection with “Sharing Impact” – they go really well together. There are different types of offering reflection, as well. Here are a couple:
TYPES OF OFFERING REFLECTION Emotional-Summary Reflections – Feeling into the emotional sentiment behind someone’s words, and offering the “emotional summary” of what they’re sharing.
Example: Someone’s talking fondly, longingly about their deceased Dad, sharing story after story… the Emotional-Summary Reflection might be, “What I'm getting is that you really love and miss your Dad...” This is powerful for helping people “bottom-line” what they're trying to say, and reflect that back to them so they know you “get it”. Acknowledgement – An acknowledgement is an especially powerful type of reflection, often woven in with the practice of Sharing Impact – the impact and contribution that they’ve had on you and your life. In our AMP/AuthenticWorld community, we often honor people at their birthdays with an acknowledgement circle, where we share our experience of them, and who they are for us in our lives.
Example: “Garrison, I want to acknowledge you for the idea for Getting Her World, and your level of attention to detail that has it being as professionally produced as it is. Even as I feel crazy when we spend too much time working together, I've really enjoyed this project with you. I feel honored to have worked with you on this, and proud to have you and this program represent us and our work.” And, there are more types… Speaking The Moment is specific practice that’s a form of Offering Reflection as well… Regardless of the type, one important consideration about Offering Reflection is this:
BE WILLING TO BE HAVE YOUR REFLECTION NOT MATCH UP WITH THEIR EXPERIENCE OF THEMSELVES Be open to being totally OFF about their experience, and willing to co-explore it with them. If their experience REALLY doesn’t match yours, this is where the practice of EXPLORING INCONGRUITY is useful… (covered later in this guide)
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH OFFERING REFLECTION: I find myself Offering Reflection ALL the time, with lots of people in my life. My friend Kal has even commented on it, offering ME the reflection that I tend to Offer Reflection a lot! And, one of the super-powers of our AMP Intensives and our unique “circling” methodology is that we offer a LOT of reflection. This tends to take people deeper into their OWN experience, and deepens the level of trust between us when they know that we’re tracking what it’s like to be THEM, and they often feel safer to go much deeper than they otherwise would.
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Exploring Incongruity Sharing Impact
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD In the bonus video, Intersubjective Meditation Practice, Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP women) go deeply into Offering Reflection, Sharing Impact, Exploring Incongruity, and Speaking the Moment, facilitated by Decker – an awesome example of these practices.
Other good examples: In Segment 18 of Getting Her World Decker tells Karina, “You’re like most guy’s dream girl.” And goes on to share why… In Segment 4, Decker reflects to Jennifer his experience of how she tends to override her resistance at times… Other Examples: Karina segment 3 (0:54), 4 (0:53, 1:03, 2:11) 5 (0:55, 1:51), 6 (1:23), 7 (1:04), 8 (2:05), 9 (3:00), 11 (2:57), 14 (0:56), 15 (2:54), 16 (0:57, 1:58, 2:23, 4:35), 17 (0:38, 1:45), 18 (0:24, 2:27), 19 (0:41), 23 (4:24), 24 (3:03, 5:11), 25 (0:44), 27 (4:10, 5:33), 32 (4:38), 33 (3:05), 36 (4:10) Jennifer segment 1 (4:41, 14:06), 2 (1:11, 1:28), 3 (:20, 2:36), 4 (:37, 1:16, 2:57), 5 (4:05), 9 (1:13), 10 (2:54, 5:43), 18 (3:20), 21 (2:45, 4:18, 7:12) Kendra segment 2 (1:02, 1:18), 4 (2:11), 5 (0:53), 6 (3:44)
Share Impact PART OF THE HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
OVERVIEW Ok, this one is key, which is why I made a whole video about it on the blog -http://blog.gettingherworld.com/?p=15 When you’re getting another person’s world, you’re asking questions (often lots of them), to clarify and flesh out what their world is like. Whenever I do this with women I’ve first met, they sometimes get a little bristly, like, “What, are you trying to psychoanalyze me?” And while I might joke with them at first (Embrace Resistance, right) – “Yes, I’m checking to see how crazy you are”, if they’re still wary, I’ll Share My Desire – that my reason for asking questions is that I’m wanting to understand what it’s like to be them… It’s actually two parts… The first part is being willing to ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE IMPACTED. This means being willing to feel what she’s feeling. Embrace intense sensations and emotions (the FULL RANGE) – actually LEAN INTO THEM, relish them, savor them… retrain your habitual patterns of recoiling from intensity (whether it’s to “plow through”, dissociate, or withdraw…)… learn to stay present with intensity. The second part is to SHARE THAT IMPACT As I mention in the video, this is an important part of balancing the relationship between you and the person whose world you are getting. Without it, you may come off as a therapist, and end up in more of a “facilitator role” rather than someone you’re co-exploring a connection with. The steps are listed on the blog post, as I mentioned, and it’s illustrated with clips from the Getting Her World Program, so I will only go into them briefly here: Step 1: Notice What it's like to be with YOURSELF -- what's the flavor? Sensations, emotions, etc... Step 2: Notice what it's like to be with THEM -- what's the flavor? Sensations, emotions, etc... Step 3: Find the difference between how you feel with YOURSELF, and how you feel with THEM Step 4: SHARE with them the impact that they are having on you.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I’ve found that the more I share the impact they’re having on me, the talking “about stuff” level of conversation drops away, and in its place is an “in-the-moment” exploration -- What am I noticing? What are you noticing? What shows up in the space of us, together?
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES:
Share Desire (when they’re wondering why you’re asking lots of questions )
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD In the Intersubjective Meditation Practice, Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP women) go deeply into offering reflection, sharing impact, and speaking the moment, facilitated by Decker – an awesome example of these practices. This is an extra bonus you’ll receive when you purchase Getting Her World. Other Examples: Jennifer segments 5 (4:13), 11 (2:05), 14 (1:40), 21 (0:44) Karina segments 3 (2:38), 5 (1:05), 6 (1:35, 2:14), 7 (1:16. 1:32, 2:14), 9 (2:32, 3:33), 10 (0:31), 13 (0:19, 1:05), 14 (1:04), 15 (3:05), 22 (0:44), 23 0:44), 26 (2:15), 27 (2:24), 29 (2:03), 30 (1:34) Kendra segments 6 (6:50, 10:11), 8 (2:45), 11 (2:29), 13 (4:26)
Genuine Curiosity PART OF THE HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
OVERVIEW This is a Foundational practice – the ground upon which all practices rest. Without Genuine Curiosity, there’s no possibility of getting another person’s world. Many guys say they have trouble accessing their Genuine Curiosity, especially around women they’re attracted to, or people whose opinion they care about. So, here’s a tool you can use to access your Genuine Curiosity: Imagine that your new job is to play the role of that person in a play or theatrical performance. In this case, it would be important for you to know exactly what their inner world is like. You’d probably ask them lots of questions, to clarify their inner world, so that you could play it as faithfully as possible onstage.
What kinds of questions and further-clarifying questions would you ask in this imaginary scenario? Let this thought experiment be your guide, and you will find it much easier to access Genuine Curiosity.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I’ve found that my Genuine Curiosity in other people has grown stronger and stronger over the years, as I’ve cultivated it.
Personal Note From Bryan I’ve always been a naturally curious person – as a child, I would drive my dad crazy when we’d watch movies together, because I was constantly asking him questions. “Dad, why did that guy shoot that other guy?” “Dad, how come she’s so angry right now?” My dad would try to answer them, but eventually get exasperated, “I don’t know, Bryan, I’m watching the same movie you are!”
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: All of ‘em – this is the foundational practice
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Whenever a question in GHW is asked, Genuine Curiosity is present…
Embrace Resistance PART OF THE HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
THE PRACTICE: Whenever her closure/protections/resistance/defenses come up, it’s often a sign that she wants to open up deeper, and is checking to see if it’s really safe to do so. This protection may show up as testing (jabs, attacks, coldness, defiance, anger, challenge) – or withdrawal and silence.
So, how to respond to it? Well, first, we recommend that you…
DON’T “FREEZE HER OUT” If her resistance is coming up, there are more artful ways of dealing with it than “freezing her out” -- aka “punish by withdrawing attention” as some assholish pickup artist “wisdom” propagates. Instead, we recommend you…
BECOME A CONNOISSEUR OF HER RESISTANCE! The practice of Embracing Resistance in this case is to invite out and celebrate the resistance – become a connoisseur of her resistance. Is it more of a “tough girl” energy? Or more withdrawn, aloof, cold? Or, is it jabby and abrasive, with an undertone of “You don’t really care about me anyway…” ? What’s the flavor, the texture, the shape of her resistance? In any case, there’s an opportunity to explore, honor, and acknowledge this protective mechanism, it’s here for a reason. These mechanisms are designed to keep us safe, physically and emotionally, from potentially traumatic experiences. If we try to convince her, shame/belittle her, “plow” over it, or somehow “get around” it, we’re shortcutting a massive opportunity for Getting Her World (more intimacy, connection, juicy depth and richness etc.).
EXAMPLE OF EMBRACING RESISTANCE FROM THE “HOUSE PARTY” STORY Her: I don’t even KNOW you. Why the hell should I trust YOU? Me: Good question. You’ve got no reason to trust me, do you? We just met. (APPRECIATION & INTEGRITY—Remaining Composed, being a YES to her test/resistance… Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Her: Whoah. You’re good. Every other guy I’ve said that to argues with me, tries to convince me why I should trust him… Who ARE you? Where are you from? Part of the beauty of connecting in a way that “Gets Her World” is that if there’s resistance, defensiveness, or guardedness, then THAT is what you connect with her about – an acknowledgement of what’s happening, IN THE MOMENT, including wherever she might be feeling closed, resistant, defensive. See other examples in Decker’s interactions with Karina in the Getting Her World Program…
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I find this particular practice really easy, if she’s being overtly hostile towards me. However, if her protective mechanism is one of dismissal or disdain, I tend to get triggered and reactive, and really have to watch my Composure in those moments.
Decker’s the opposite. He can handle a woman being dismissive, but gets triggered if she’s being shaming or hostile. So, it varies from person to person. What is the flavor of feminine resistance that triggers YOU? DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Karina segments 9 (0:18), 11 (1:00), 15 (3:53),16 (1:04, 4:42), 18 (0:57, 2:03), 24 (4:01) Jennifer segments 3 (0:49), 8 (:43, 1:57), 9 (:36), 10 (1:36), 13 (1:28), 14 (:28, 1:15) Kendra segments 6 (2:32, 3:13), 7 (3:02), 8 (0:11), 13 (2:50)
Offer Direction PART OF THE HOLARCHY: INTEGRITY
OVERVIEW This is a fun one! This practice is about taking the lead, taking her on a ride, “making her feel like a woman”, or “being the banks of the river for her to flow inside of”, to paraphrase David Deida… For me, this is about checking in with what I’m wanting in the moment, then feeling into her, where she’s at, and what SHE’s wanting in the moment, then offering a direction that would have us feeling more love, closeness, connection, joy, aliveness… whatever seems to be called for in the moment. It may look like…
“Let’s play a game.” “Let’s take a deep breath together” “Give me your hand.” “Let’s go get some Thai food.” “Turn over.” “Let’s get out of here.” I’ve called it “Offer Direction” rather than “Set Direction” because at any given moment, while it may sound like I’m issuing orders, I’m actually doing simply that – offering a direction, while staying totally open to a different course of action, depending on her response to what I’ve just offered.
OFFERING DIRECTION CAN BE WORDLESS… if you’re walking down the street together, you can be Offering Direction simply by steering her around…I tend to take whatever bags she’s holding as we’re walking together, to free her up, and then guide us, arm in arm.. Offering Direction wordlessly also shows up during sex, where you’re directing her with your arms, your body, and your breathing…
IT’S OFTEN ARTFULLY COMBINED WITH OWNING A DESIRE By vulnerably sharing the intention behind your desire
“I want you closer—come sit by me.” “I’m noticing I’m wanting to see what happens if we relax out of words for awhile, and just be here in silence” “I want you out of those clothes as soon as possible. Come home with me.”
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I’ve spent years cultivating this more “masculine” way of relating, and recently I’ve backed off of it, I realized I’d had it as that the guy HAS to be always the one setting direction and taking the lead… but if you listen to the recent interview I did (Getting Bryan’s World – a bonus for the Getting Her World release), I’ve actually had some pretty profound breakthroughs recently around relaxing into TAKING DIRECTION, being willing to be led, and letting go of any dogma about how an interaction SHOULD be. You’ll also see Decker be willing to TAKE DIRECTION in GHW when Jennifer ups the ante (Segment 16) in the “Color Echo” game Decker initially offers, by suggesting that it be a PSYCHIC Color Echo Game (much tougher!). And if Decker had decided, “No, I am the man, I’m the one who’s setting direction…”, they would have missed out on the incredible “psychic” magic that emerged. So bottom line is, offering direction can be a fun, powerful way of taking the interaction to new, deep and exciting places – but as soon as it becomes dogma (that you HAVE to do it), it’s less effective for joy, turn-on & connection, in my experience.
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Own a Desire
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segments 5 (3:28), 11 (2:50, 3:02), 20 (0:55) Kendra segments 13 (0:50, 1:05, 2:45, 6:40) 14 (2:46, 4:05) - playing games, and Decker inviting her to let go and open deeper… a very sweet and powerful pair of segments.
Set Context PART OF THE HOLARCHY: INTEGRITY
OVERVIEW This is a super-powerful practice, because it shapes and impacts the tone, direction, and “vibe” for the entire interaction. It answers the question, “Why?” Why are we talking right now? What’s the context of this interaction? The classic line, “So, you’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today…” is an example of setting context… Setting context is often used at the beginning of an interaction, to set the boundaries:
The Context for Getting Her World Garrison and Decker set a LOT of context for the women being filmed in Getting Her World before they were filmed. The context was, “We want to have Decker ask you questions and explore what it’s like to be YOU. It’s not a date, and it’s not an interview, and while flirting may happen, we’re not teaching seduction, we’re teaching how to get another person’s world. The purpose is so that we can share this with other men, to have more rewarding interactions and conversations. So, there are going to be cameras, a crew, etc…” When Jennifer asks Decker, “Are we allowed to…here?” she was asking for clarification of the Context – are they allowed to feel and express their turn-on and attraction with each other? Decker clarifies the context, “This is our space. We can do whatever we want.” By setting context (the “Why”), at the beginning, everything else happens inside the container that’s created. Setting Context is also often used in conjunction with the practice of Owning a Desire. At the beginning of a first meeting: “Hi, I saw you, and thought you were super cute/seemed interesting/have a great laugh, and I want to get to know you better over a cup of coffee.” I’m offering a context for our interaction.
Setting Context can be used at the beginning of a date, “The reason I asked you out is because you seemed like a person I’d really enjoy spending time with, regardless of where it goes”.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I set context all the time in my interactions, in my business/networking connections, at the beginning of an AMP Intensive weekend, and with my personal connections. I’m likely to use some version of the examples I gave above in any given interaction with a woman.
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Owning A Desire Offering Reflection
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segments 1 (0:48, 3:59), 1 (0:48, 3:59, 5:45, 6:21), 3 (3:31) Karina segment 4 (0:14, 5:12) Kendra segment 9 (0:45)
Own a Desire PART OF THE HOLARCHY: INTEGRITY
OVERVIEW Ok, this is one of my favorites. And it’s so important, that we created an entire program about this practice…http://AuthenticSexualPower.com (shameless plug – yes!) There are so many cool things that happen when you own a desire. It’s sharing something about YOU – it’s acknowledging that your desires are important and relevant to the interaction –
And, Owning your Desire can instantly shape and redirect the interaction – taking it deeper, bring more lightness and fun, or ignite massive turn-on and attraction – all simply by feeling what’s true for you, and expressing your desire! What separates Owning a Desire it from simply sharing information about your desire, is this very important key: you feel your desire as fully as possible, as you express it with her. This distinction is what gives Owning a Desire to take the interaction from the Informational/Personal Level to the Relational or even Transpersonal Level. For more on the 5 Levels of
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I love Owning Desire as a practice…
“Let’s Just Shut Up For Awhile” On dates or interactions with women, I often find myself engaging with them similarly to how Decker does with both Jennifer and Karina… “I notice I’m wanting to relax out of words for awhile, and see what arises in the silence between us, together.” When Decker asks Karina for her highlights of their conversation, Karina immediately responds, “I liked the silent parts best.” Honor the power of silence! You may combine it with Offering Direction: “Hey, I notice I’m wanting to get some fresh air. Want to take a walk?” You may combine it with Sharing Vulnerably: “It feels really forward of me to say this, but…I would love to take you home tonight.” “This feels really risky, but…I want you to move in, and live with me.” “I feel scared to share this with you, but…I really want some space. I want to take a break for a couple of weeks.”
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Share Vulnerably – Owning a Desire can be a vulnerable expression of what you’re wanting… Offer Direction – Owning a Desire often inherently Offers a Direction for the interaction to go. Play A Game – Similarly, when you invite someone to play a game with you, you’re inherently Owning a Desire…
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segment 5 (3:37), 11 (3:28), 14 (4:23), 15 (0:52), 17 (0:43), 18 (5:05) Karina segment 19 (1:20), 19 (3:12), 23 (4:17), 36 (3:52) Kendra segment 4 (2:19), 8 (4:25), 10 (2:05), 12 (1:16), 14 (0:32)
Explore Incongruity PART OF THE HOLARCHY: INTEGRITY
OVERVIEW This practice is often used when she says one thing, but her body seems to be saying another thing. Some people would say this is the same as “Calling Her Out”, or “Calling Bullshit”, but one of the principles of AMP is… Own Our Truth: We are not the authorities on another person’s experience, only our own. So we are staying open to the possibility that we are completely OFF about our interpretation of their experience. At the same time, we’re not abandoning or ignoring our own experience, even if it doesn’t match up with theirs. Calling someone’s defensive incongruence “bullshit” is not conducive to inviting out parts of us that are tender or vulnerable – and these are the sweetest places to explore, in my experience! So, if there’s a mismatch between what we’re experiencing and what they’re saying, it doesn’t mean we let it slide. It also doesn’t mean we have to use NVC (Non-Violent Communication)-style “own-yourexperience” language, like “I’m noticing a difference between your experience and my own”. You can put it into common-language. A simple, open-hearted and curious street-talk, “Hmm, that doesn’t fit for me” can still be a playful way of Exploring Incongruity, without acting like “we know” what another person’s experience is. This is a more advanced practice to do artfully, but this is ALSO often where we’ll discover new things about each other that we never knew before-- exciting places!
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Speaking the Moment Sharing Impact
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Decker and Karina in Segment 9, where he’s exploring the situation with the guy who picked her up in the club, whether she calmly told him, “I’m going to bite you” Karina Segment 18, where he explores whether she actually WAS looking forward to being more available to receive acknowledgements… In the bonus video, Intersubjective Meditation Practice… Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP women) go deeply into Exploring Incongruity in part 3 -- facilitated by Decker – an awesome example of this practice. Other Examples: Karina segments 5 (2:57), 6 (0:34), 9 (1:53, 7:21), 18 (1:02), 24 (1:38) (Not much of this practice with Kendra and Jennifer segment).
Share Vulnerably PART OF THE HOLARCHY: WHOLENESS
OVERVIEW Sharing vulnerably is often used in conjunction with “Sharing Impact”. It’s part of what balances the interaction from being a one-sided exploration of HER world only… I’ve included it as an aspect of Wholeness, because it requires us to be willing to expose ourselves, and be open to being judged, made wrong, or shamed…and this is made possible through Wholeness --- being completely “right” with ourselves, and these vulnerable places.
WHEN IT’S APPLIED I’ve found that oftentimes I’m content to explore HER world without even going into mine for a large part of the interaction… AND, eventually it seems the conversation will naturally turn towards, “What about you? I’ve been doing all the talking here…” – This
is an opportunity for you to bring YOURSELF fully, to meet her (if not go deeper) in terms of the vulnerability of your sharing with her.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: A lot of what I share in our articles, newsletters, interviews and blog posts are vulnerable stories about my challenges, edges, and fall-on-my-face failures – in fact, I often open up our AMP Intensive courses by sharing my story of how that bastard Decker stole the ballet dancer I’d fallen in love with. ;) All of this is in support of creating a space of safety to talk about what’s real. Even at dinner parties or other social situations, I’ll share what’s most vulnerable for me at the moment, because it sets the tone for the night that it is actually OK here to talk about stuff you wouldn’t normally be willing to talk about– it creates a safe space for real and authentic connection, that people can step into. A space of, “Ok, wow, there’s a lot of places this conversation could go.”
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Share Impact Own A Desire (when they’re wondering why you’re asking lots of questions)
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segments 3 (1:27, 8:16), 4 (1:52), 5 (0:30), 16 (4:23, 6:10), 18 (0:49) Karina segments 2 (0:22), 4(0:09), 12 (2:57), 15 (2:47), 17 (1:13), 23 (3:54), 27 (1:35), 31 (0:40), 34 (1:00) Kendra segments 16 (1:35)
Reference Earlier Theme PART OF THE HOLARCHY: PLAY/PRESENCE
This is also listed as part of Presence because it requires us to track the interaction, notice patterns arising, and “Speak the Moment” -- catching the theme being played out in the interaction.
OVERVIEW This is a fun way to play with different threads of conversation. It’s not a critical ingredient for a rewarding conversation, but it does add richness and depth, because
it brings to our awareness that the conversations we have can be like weaving a tapestry together, with patterns emerging dynamically in the moment… It can be challenging…because it requires you to be tracking what’s been said prior, and to watch for it when these topics re-emerge. So, bonus artistry points when you do use it!
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: This is more of Decker’s specialty than mine. He has the rare ability to track exactly, almost verbatim, what’s been spoken – and so it’s effortless for him to track themes, even multiple ones at the same time. That said, I often do follow a theme every now and then in a conversation, and it’s fun to re-reference them – it’s a fun way to demonstrate how closely I’ve been listening…and give her (or whomever I’m relating with) a real experience of being deeply listened-to – and, as I mentioned, enriches the interaction when we have a sense that we’re co-creating something together…
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Speak The Moment – Referencing An Earlier Theme is actually a subset of Speaking the Moment -- used in conjunction with the other practice: Offering Reflection – Often you’ll be reflecting back to them the fact that something you covered in the past is showing up with them in the conversation right now – and so Referencing a Theme is also a way of Offering Reflection.
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segment 2 (3:01), 5 (1:04) 8 (:32), 10 (3:43), 16 (1:08) Karina segment 11 (3:26), 16 (1:37), 17 (1:34), 19 (0:59), 24 (1:17), 36 (4:21)
23 (0:53), 23 (5:22),
Kendra segment 5 (1:44)
Play a Game PART OF THE HOLARCHY: PLAY, OF COURSE OVERVIEW “Let’s play a game…”
I don’t think I’ve ever been out on a date or been talking to someone and they refused this invitation. There’s something about playing games that puts us immediately back into the carefree arena of childhood, where our interactions are not “in order to” pay
the bills, make someone like us, or get other basic needs met. We play a game because it’s FUN TO PLAY, for its own sake. For a list of the connection games played in the “Getting Her World” program, go to: http://gettingherworld.com/bonus947 A simple way to start this is to offer, “Let’s play a game…” and then you make up a new game, together, in the moment! It can be a silly or simple game, but the process of creating the game together can be just as fun as playing the game itself.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I love playing games. It’s just such a rich, dynamic way of bringing value, creativity, and play to an interaction. I’ve found that the best ones arise dynamically in the moment, either created on-the-fly, or it just pops into my mind to play a game I happen to already know I enjoy…
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Offer Direction – Playing a game is a subset of Offering Direction
DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD Jennifer segment 16 (3:05), 21 (3:42, 5:04) Karina segment 23 (2:31), 30 (0:16), 31 (0:11) Kendra segment 5 (0:25), 6 (0:16), 14 (1:48)
SUMMARY So, those are the 12 Practices for Deep Connection:
My suggestion is that each week, you pick 1 or 2 of the practices outlined here that appealed to you most, and take them on for the week – apply them in your interactions – see what turns up! If you order Getting Her World, you can post your results on the AMP Dojo, our interactive learning environment for Getting Her World. http://AmpDojo.com
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