"A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST" Written by Seth MacFarlane And Alec Sulkin & Wellesley Wild
First Draft - January 2nd, 2012
EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - DAY We see shots of a man on horseback riding across the landscape. This is ALBERT STARK, (mid-30’s). We see various spectacular images of prairie and desert vistas, as an ambling tune plays, listing the myriad of ways in which one can perish on the 1800’s frontier (”A Million Ways to Die in the West”). Throughout this opening title sequence, we intersperse shots of old, yellowed newspaper headlines. They are accompanied by old photos, when appropriate: “Infant Trampled By Sickly Mare” “Hundreds Perish In Late Spring Damp” “Schoolmarm Felled By Tumbleweed Abrasion” “Mass Hanging Goes Well” “Mud Deaths Reach 30-Year High” “Dutch Family Crushed By Falling Chinamen” “Woman Found Guilty of Adultery; Tongue, Breasts Removed” “50-Acre Buffalo Herd Destroys St. Louis” “Water Tower Contaminated By Bathing Negress” “Black Bears Feast On Kindergarten Class” “Old Prospector Dies of Bad Breath” “Hailstorm Drives Snakes Into Local Church - No Survivors” “Cowhog Fever Claims Small River Town” Albert rides off into the distance as we FADE OUT. EXT. THE TOWN OF OLD STUMP - HIGH NOON CHYRON: ARIZONA, 1882. ANGLE ON a sign that reads: “Old Stump Township - Est. 1848. ANGLE ON the main thoroughfare: Albert stands in the middle of the street at the center of town, apparently ready for a gunfight. He looks nervous, however. Out of place. It doesn’t appear as though he belongs in this environment. Townsfolk line the sides of the street and the storefronts, waiting. Among them, we see a pretty woman with blonde hair and a white dress, LOUISE, (late 20’s), Albert’s girlfriend.
2.
At the moment Albert is alone in the street. The other half of the gunfight is nowhere to be seen. (Some distance behind him, we can see a large tree stump right in the middle of the street, presumably where the town got its name.) There’s a lengthy beat... and then we hear hooves approaching from O.S. The sound grows louder, until finally, another man emerges. He gets off his horse, and takes his position opposite his waiting opponent. Unlike Albert, this man is much more selfassured, confident. And not friendly. This is CHARLIE BLANCHE (’30’s, weathered-looking). They stare at each other, then... ALBERT So... I guess high noon to you means 12:15? What?
CHARLIE
ALBERT Well, you said high noon, and I was here, and... I’ve sort of just been waiting. CHARLIE (darkly) I’m here now. ALBERT Yeah, no, I know, it’s just-- it’s like you’re saying that your time is more valuable than everyone else’s, and... I know everybody here has like, a full day, and-Over the previous line, ANGLE ON a few of the townsfolk, including a gangly guy with an overbite, and a toothless old man. They do not look like they have a full day. (beat) Draw. Um... no.
CHARLIE
ALBERT
There is a murmur of confusion along the side of the street. ANGLE ON Louise, who looks particularly and unpleasantly perplexed. CHARLIE What do you mean, no?
3. ALBERT I... I don’t wanna do this. You’re a way better shot than me, and so... before we get all crazy and dead here, I... I don’t wanna have a shoot-out. CHARLIE You yellow, Stark? ALBERT Oh boy. Okay, with that-- first of all, that’s kinda racist to our hard-working friends from the Far East-ANGLE ON a few yellow-hued Chinese railroad workers who watch from the side. ALBERT (CONT’D) Right guys? One of the Chinese guys gives Albert the finger. ALBERT (CONT’D) Okay, great, welcome-- Look, I just I wanna resolve things more reasonably, and I don’t think namecalling is in anybody’s best interest. So, I’m just gonna pay you for the damages. CHARLIE Suits me fine. That’s three hundred dollars. ALBERT Right. Now here’s the thing: I don’t have three hundred dollars in cash, but... I will give you twentyfive sheep. CHARLIE (putting a hand on his gun, cocking it) I don’t want sheep, Stark. ALBERT Well, this is a lotta fucking sheep. This is like twenty-five sheep. Like a whole... gaggle. A pack? Is it a pack? (MORE)
4. ALBERT (CONT'D) (laughs nervously) Ha-- I’m a sheep farmer, and I just realized I don’t even fucking know what the plural is--a school of sheep? Is that-you know what a group of ferrets is called? A business. That’s what it’s called, a business of ferrets. English is fun, ‘cause there’s all kinds of secret treasures-Charlie fires a shot at Albert’s feet.
Albert jumps.
CHARLIE Your goddamn sheep grazed up half my ranch, Stark. That grass ain’t never gonna grow back. ALBERT Well, it’s grass, it’ll grow back, but... I mean, isn’t that what they say? You can’t keep grass down. Charlie aims his gun at Albert’s head. ALBERT (CONT’D) Okay, okay-- I will sell off the sheep myself, and get you the money. Okay? I’ll have it for you tomorrow. CHARLIE If I don’t have that cash... I’m comin’ after you. And I’ll shoot you here (points to forehead), here (points to nose), and here (points to chin), so your heads splits clean in half like a fairground watermelon. ALBERT Oh, and... and I would deserve it. In that scenario? Oh my god, what a jerk I would be. But I... that’s not the person I wanna be, so, I’ll get you your money. Charlie slowly takes his hand off his gun. Albert exhales softly, and turns to walk away. But suddenly, Charlie whips his gun out, and shoots Albert. Albert goes down. Fuck!!
ALBERT (CONT’D)
5. The onlookers gasp... but it’s just his ankle. holsters his gun.
Charlie re-
CHARLIE Just a little taste. Charlie gets back on his horse and rides off. Albert staggers to his feet as the crowd slowly disperses. EDWARD approaches. EDWARD Aw man, Albert, you okay, man? ALBERT Yeah, it’s, uh-- it’s just grazed. SHERIFF You all right, Stark? ALBERT Yeah, oh hey listen, sheriff, I wanna thank you for your help. Really appreciate you stepping in and stopping this deadly altercation going on right in front of your office. SHERIFF It’s not my place to intervene, Stark. I believe a man should fight his own battles. ALBERT (beat) You’re the sheriff. SHERIFF That’s right. ALBERT So... the one thing we're all paying you to do, like the one function you have in town -- you're saying everyone else should do it. SHERIFF (irritated) I’m not your goddamn bodyguard, Stark. ALBERT Well actually, yes. As the sheriff, it is kind of your job to protect my body from harm.
6. EDWARD Yeah, it is kinda your job. Shut up.
SHERIFF EDWARD
Oop.
SHERIFF (to Albert) I guess you and I see things differently. ALBERT So like, if you opened a restaurant, would you wait for people to come in and then say, “A man should cook his own food?" SHERIFF You’d best watch your tongue, or you’re gonna find yourself in a jail cell. ALBERT Oh, THERE we go! The long arm of the law finally lashes out to protect ITSELF against pissy people! A-haaaa.
EDWARD Yes.
SHERIFF (exiting) You should see Dr. Harper about that foot. Albert sighs, defeated, as he limps away. EXT./ESTAB. DOCTOR HARPER’S OFFICE - DAY INT. DOCTOR HARPER’S OFFICE - SAME DOCTOR HARPER (50’s) is in the middle of abdominal surgery on a patient. His hands are covered with blood. Hello?
ALBERT (O.S.) Doctor Harper?
7. Doctor Harper looks up, and walks out into the outer office, where Albert waits. Albert.
DOCTOR HARPER How are you?
ALBERT (seeing bloody hands) Hi, Doc, I was wonder--holy shit. DOCTOR HARPER Oh, don’t mind this. I’m just in the middle of surgery. ALBERT Oh, I can come back-DOCTOR HARPER No no, she’ll be out for awhile. He very un-thoroughly wipes his hands on a dirty rag, cleaning off most -- but not all -- of the blood. DOCTOR HARPER (CONT’D) It’s Mrs. Callaghan, poor woman. Her stomach devil was about to explode, so I had to take it out. ALBERT ...Her appendix? DOCTOR HARPER Now, what’s the trouble? ALBERT Uh, it’s a bullet graze. it checked out.
Just need
DOCTOR HARPER Oh yeah, heard you turned yellow on Charlie Blanche. Let’s have a look. Albert shows him the wound. Doctor Harper examines it, getting a little blood on Albert’s ankle. ALBERT You’re not big on the hand-washing, are you?
8. DOCTOR HARPER Ooh, that’s a nasty one. We may have to take that off, otherwise you could wind up with a case of toe-foot. ALBERT Okay, I don’t think that’s a real thing, and second of all, it’s a graze, doc, I’m not gonna let you cut my foot off. DOCTOR HARPER Suit yourself. But I’ve seen toefoot turn into knee-leg in less than a week. ALBERT Just a dressing, thanks. All right.
DOCTOR HARPER
ANGLE ON the inner office, where a cat jumps up on the surgical table, and starts licking the unconscious patient’s incision. ANGLE BACK ON Albert and Doctor Harper. The doc starts putting a dry dressing on the wound. Albert looks around, reading a diploma on the wall. ALBERT Texas Territory Medical College. Is that a pretty prestigious place, or... DOCTOR HARPER Yessir, third in my class. ALBERT Ah. And was this an indoor medical school? DOCTOR HARPER (laughs) All right, there we go. Try and stay off it for a bit. ALBERT Just a dry cloth bandage? That’s it? DOCTOR HARPER Well, what else would you like me to do?
9. ALBERT I dunno--clean it maybe? ‘Cause I don’t wanna get an infection and die? DOCTOR HARPER Well now, that’s up to the Lord God. ALBERT I guess I’m looking for someone more reliable. EXT. OLD STUMP SALOON/BROTHEL - DAY We hear the sounds of loud, rough sex. INT. A BEDROOM IN THE OLD STUMP BROTHEL - DAY We see RUTH (30’s), a cute but well-worn prostitute, getting fucked wildly by a dirty cowboy. They’re both making quite a lot of noise. RUTH (for his benefit) Oh yes! Yes! COWBOY Yeah! You like me fuckin’ you, don’t you?! Yes! Yeah! you?!
RUTH Yes, it’s really terrific! COWBOY You like my dick inside
RUTH Yes, I love the scratchy feeling inside me from all the dirt on your dick! INT. OLD STUMP SALOON/BROTHEL - CONTINUOUS Edward sits patiently in a chair holding his hat and a bouquet of flowers. We can still hear the sex sounds coming from upstairs. The saloon is empty save for the BARTENDER and a few tired-looking cowboys. After a few moments of this, MILLIE, the brothel’s madam, enters from upstairs.
10. MILLIE Hi, Edward. EDWARD Oh hey, Millie. MILLIE You waiting for Ruth? EDWARD Yeah. I got off work a little early so I thought I’d take her out for a picnic. MILLIE Oh. Well, you’re a good boyfriend, aren’t you? EDWARD Yeah, I try to be. Millie glances upstairs toward the sounds. MILLIE Well, sounds like she’s almost done. There’s a beat.
Millie looks at him.
MILLIE (CONT’D) Pretty flowers. EDWARD Yeah, they’re tulips. They’re hard to get this time of year, but Ruth is very particular. RUTH (O.S.) Oh yes, shoot that dirty cowboy cum all over my face! EDWARD (unfazed, adjusting his tie) Do I look alright? MILLIE Yes, you’re... you’re fine. Say Edward, can I ask you something? Sure.
EDWARD
11. MILLIE Are you... okay with the fact that your girlfriend gets screwed by about 8 guys every day and gets paid to do it? EDWARD Oh. Well, I mean my job sucks too, so... MILLIE Well, yeah, but you repair shoes. EDWARD Ugh, don’t remind me. The shoe business is slow since the civil war ended. Really?
MILLIE
EDWARD Yeah, there’s just a lot less legs. Millie is about to say something else, when Ruth comes down the stairs, still putting her clothes back on. RUTH Eddy, is that you? EDWARD (standing up) Hey, sweetie! RUTH (pleasantly surprised) What are you doing here? She runs up to him and kisses him. EDWARD Oo- your breath is a little-RUTH Oh, sorry, I had to give a blowjob. EDWARD Oh, well, that’s okay. Hey, I got done a little early, and I thought we could go for a walk out by the stream.
12. RUTH Ohhh, you are the best! Yeah, c’mon, let’s go! (kisses him, then to Millie) Don’t I have the best boyfriend in the world? MILLIE Honestly, I... I have no fuckin’ idea. Ruth and Edward happily move to exit. RUTH Bye, Millie! MILLIE Uh, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins wanted to know if he could come by later on. RUTH Oh-- what’s he want? MILLIE I think he wants anal. RUTH (to Edward) Oh, honey, we could get you a new belt for church! EDWARD Oh, that’d be great! I know!
RUTH
EDWARD (to Millie) Okay, so like, 5:30? work?
Does that
MILLIE It... it should. EDWARD What time’s his appointment? MILLIE Well... this isn’t really like a dentist’s office, Edward. He’ll... probably stop in when he’s ready to put his penis inside an asshole.
13. EDWARD (beat) Okay, we’ll just say 5:30. RUTH Bye, Millie! Edward and Ruth exit. EXT. THE SHORE OF A STREAM - DAY Albert and Louise sit on a blanket, with their horses tethered nearby. ALBERT I mean that shoulda been the end of it, right? I told him I’d pay him off, we go our separate ways, and that’s it. But no, the guy shoots me in the foot. Fuckin’ douche. Lousie looks away. What?
ALBERT (CONT’D)
LOUISE You should’ve fought him, Albert. ALBERT (astonished) Come on. LOUISE We don’t know if those were your sheep that grazed on his ranch. It could have been Hurley’s cows. He should have to prove it, and he can’t. So, I dunno... you should’ve fought him. ALBERT (in disbelief) You’re serious. Louise, the guy’s one of the best shots around. I mean, I look like I have Parkinson’s next to him. Look, I tried to psych myself up for it, but at the end of the day, I’d just as soon not commit fucking suicide. LOUISE Albert... I’m breaking up with you.
14.
(beat) What?
ALBERT
LOUISE I’m... I’m sorry. ALBERT I got shot today. I know. Ow. I know.
LOUISE ALBERT LOUISE
ALBERT Louise, I-- why?? a gunfight??
What, because of
LOUISE No, it’s not that, I’ve been feeling this way for awhile. It’s... you’re a really great guy. I’ve just realized... I want something else. ALBERT Louise, I love you. What else could you want? You’re my whole life. I’ve done everything for you for four years. Yes, I’m just a sheep farmer, but I’m saving a lot of-LOUISE Yeah, but you’re not even a good sheep farmer Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all the sheep in one place. I stopped by your farm the other day, and there was a sheep in the backyard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond, and one on the roof. ALBERT That’s Bridget-- she has a problem with retardation, but she’s fulla love. I think we’re getting off track here. (MORE)
15. ALBERT (CONT'D) Look, if it’s not about the gunfight, what the hell is it, Louise? Tell me and maybe we can fix it! LOUISE Albert, you’re a good guy, for sure. You’re just not for me. I don’t even wanna date anybody right now, I kinda have to deal with my own shit. ALBERT After four years. LOUISE If I was older, maybe the timing would be right, but I just don’t wanna settle down right now. People are living to be 35 these days, so a girl doesn’t have to get married right away. I just sorta have to work on myself right now. ALBERT “I have to work on myself?!” Louise, that’s what girls say when they have a good thing in front of them, and they’re too up their own ass to know what to do with it. I know you. You’re not up your own ass. You’re out here. Where I can see you. And you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. LOUISE Well, I’ve been in this relationship for four years, I must be at least partially up my own ass. ALBERT (stung) Wow. Louise... I love you. LOUISE (sympathetic shrug) I’m sorry. She gets up and leaves.
16. EXT. ALBERT’S FARM - SUNSET Albert rides up and gets off his horse clumsily. It’s clear this guy is not comfortable living the frontier lifestyle. The farm itself is crowded with a large flock of sheep. However, they don’t seem to be corralled in any sense whatsoever. Albert surveys the farm with its disarray of sheep. ANGLE ON THE ROOF, where a lone sheep stands, baa-ing blankly. Oh, shit.
ALBERT
INT. ALBERT’S HOUSE - SUNSET Albert enters. His mother and father, George and Elsie, sit in the main room. Elsie sits in a rocker working on her stitchery, while George reads a book. Mom.
Dad.
ALBERT
GEORGE You’re late. For what?
ALBERT
GEORGE (beat, goes back to his reading) Fair enough. Albert sighs and walks into his bedroom. small wooden box.
He takes out a
EXT. ALBERT’S HOUSE - EVENING The stars are out as Albert emerges from the house and sits down in a chair. He is about to open the box when he hears the sound of approaching hooves. He looks up to see Edward and Ruth dismounting from their horses. They approach him. Hey Ed.
ALBERT Hey Ruth.
EDWARD Albert, we just heard about Louise. That’s horrible.
17. RUTH We’re so sorry. you doing okay?
How are you?
Are
ALBERT It is what it is, right? (beat, then gesturing to chairs) You guys wanna sit down? EDWARD (sitting) Oh thanks. RUTH I’m okay standing. Albert looks down at the box. ALBERT I was just looking at some old photographs of me and Louise. He shows Albert and Ruth the photos. They show him and Louise in various environments. In every single one, they are in the exact same pose: standing stiffly side-by-side, facing the camera without expression (as in every photo from the frontier era). ALBERT (CONT’D) This was from the carnival. (THEN) Here we are at the town picnic. (THEN) Oh, this was the square dance. Y’know, I almost wish that you could smile in photographs. Louise has such an amazing smile. EDWARD That’d be weird. ALBERT
Hm?
EDWARD Have you ever smiled in a photograph? Me?
ALBERT No, have you?
God no.
EDWARD
18. ALBERT No, you’d look like an insane person, but I just mean that... when she smiles it’s... I mean, even at the peak of our relationship, when I knew there was no chance that I’d lose her... it would still completely paralyze me every time she smiled. I love her so much it’s ridiculous. RUTH Oh, now I feel like I’m gonna cry. ALBERT Let’s get fucked up. EXT./ESTAB. SALOON - NIGHT INT. SALOON - NIGHT ANGLE ON the saloon pianist, playing a jaunty version of “Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair”. The place is as lively and bustling as any old West saloon. Albert, Edward, and Ruth sit at a table as Albert downs a shot. EDWARD So what’re you gonna do? ALBERT I don’t know. I’d kill myself, but y’know, the sheep. And my parents. And besides, if I died in that pasture, I know the sheep would eat me. They ate a dog that died out there. EDWARD Ew. I thought they just ate grass and stuff. ALBERT Yeah, not these I guess. RUTH Look, I know things seem hopeless right now, but I promise there’s a lot to live for. ALBERT Oh, really, what? What is there to live for on the frontier in 1871? (MORE)
19. ALBERT (CONT'D) We live in a terrible place and time. The American West is a dirty, depressing, horrible place. Look around. Everything out here that’s not you wants to kill you. Outlaws. Angry drunk people. Scorned hookers. Hungry animals. Diseases. Major and minor injuries. Indians. The weather. You know how Jim Wegman the blacksmith died? Wet socks. EDWARD Come on, you’re exaggerating. ALBERT I am really not exaggerating at all. He went camping, he put his foot in the creek with his sock on, his foot slowly rotted, and he died. God...
RUTH
ALBERT You can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse-- there’s fuckin’ rattlesnakes all in the grass out there, and even if I make it, oh hey, I can still die from cholera. You know cholera? EDWARD (nodding grimly) The Black Shit. ALBERT The Black Shit. The latest offering in the frontier’s disease of the month club. EDWARD I heard it started with a Canadian railroad conductor. ALBERT And even if you survive all those things, you know what’ll kill you? The fucking doctor. (MORE)
20. ALBERT (CONT'D) I had a cold a couple years ago, went in there, and he says, “oh you need an ear-nail.” A nail. In my fucking ear. That’s modern medicine. “Hey, I have fever of 102.” “Oh, you need a donkeykickin’”. Y’know, our pastor has shot two people. You know that? Our pastor. What?
RUTH No way.
ALBERT Shot a guy in a duel and then killed his teenage son ‘cause he was afraid of reprisal. EDWARD Wait, how do you know that? ALBERT Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it! A lesson about seeing things through! By the way, look behind you. See those guys who work in the silver mines? See what they’re eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. ANGLE ON a table full of filthy miners, eating. ALBERT (CONT’D) They eat hot, spicy foods for every meal of the day ‘cause their palates are completely dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day. You know what that kinda diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, diahrrea, hemorrhoids, liver disease, kidney disease, bowel inflammation--they die from their own farts! One of the miners farts, and immediately keels over with a groan and dies. ALBERT (CONT’D) And speaking of death, if you wanna see more of that, all we need to do is step out the front door.
21. EXT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS Albert stands in the doorway, flanked by Edward and Ruth. Albert points to a dead guy leaning up against a wall in an alley. ALBERT That is our mayor. He is dead. He has been lying there dead for three days. No one has done anything: not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, our mayor, the highestranking political officer in our town, has been a dead guy-- oh! Oh look! ANGLE ON THE MAYOR’S BODY - Coyotes are chewing and tugging on it, dragging it away. ALBERT (CONT’D) Coyotes are dragging the body away! Look at that! That is adorable! They’re gonna feed his dick to their young. Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have fun becoming dog poop! Bye! INT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS Albert sits back down at the table, followed by Edward and Ruth. ALBERT That, my friends, is the West. A shitty, disgusting cesspool of awfulness and despair. Fuck all of it. COWBOY AT NEXT TABLE Why don’t you shut up. ALBERT You shut up. EXT. SALOON - NIGHT Albert’s body comes crashing through the window like a rag doll, smashing through the wooden railing, and landing out in the street. He groans as he collects himself.
22. EXT. SALOON - LATER Albert and Edward sit on the front steps of the saloon. Albert has a big gash on his forehead. Ruth tries to dab at it with a cloth, but Albert pushes her away as he takes huge pull from a whiskey bottle. By now he is very drunk. ALBERT (slurred) Stop it. RUTH Okay. But Y’know, you should probably have Doctor Harper take a look at that. ALBERT (slurred) Ruth, you’re very sweet, but have you been listening to goddamn anything I’ve been saying? He’ll go, “Oh, lemme put a blue jay on that to peck out the blood.” Fuck it. Hey, you guys should have a drink with me. Let’s all have a drink. RUTH I don’t think that’s a great idea. EDWARD I can’t drink. When I drink too much, I get really vivid nightmares. RUTH He does, it’s awful. EDWARD I drink, and then within 20 minutes I dream somebody shot me in the face. ALBERT (head in hands) God, I miss Louise. RUTH Well, maybe... I don’t know, maybe you should try talking things over with her.
23. ALBERT (beat) That’s a good idea. Albert staggers to his feet, and stumbles toward his horse. RUTH Well, I didn’t mean right now-Albert struggles to climb up onto his horse, but he’s having serious difficulty. He tries to hoist himself up clumsily, but he ends up falling with one foot caught in a stirrup. EDWARD Hey listen, Al, why don’t you let us take you home-ALBERT No! No it’s okay, I just need a running start. Albert staggers back about thirty feet, and then breaks into a hard, sloppy sprint toward the horse. He jumps up, rolls across the horse’s back, and falls to the ground on the other side, all in one move. Edward and Ruth flinch as they move to help. RUTH/EDWARD Ooh!/Oh man--hey Al, come on-ALBERT I got it I got it I got it. Albert finally makes it up onto the horse, but he’s literally lying on his stomach along the horse’s back. He kicks the horse’s side limply with his legs. Okay, go.
ALBERT (CONT’D) Go.
The horse ambles off. EDWARD Boy, our wacky lives, huh? RUTH I was just gonna say that-Right?
EDWARD
RUTH It’s insane.
24. EDWARD It’s a circus, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. EXT. LOUISE’S FAMILY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Albert ambles up on his horse, still plastered. He clumsily dismounts, and wobbles as he drunkenly addresses his horse. ALBERT Okay, I’ll be right back, Curtis. Or... or not! (laughs drunkenly) Okay no, that’s being too ambitious. Y’know, Curtis, we... we don’t talk enough. We’re... let’s fix that. I love you. I love you, Curtis. Albert hugs Curtis’ nose for an extended beat. drift off, then jolts awake. Whoops!
He starts to
ALBERT (CONT’D) Uh oh.
He throws up a little on the Curtis’ nose. ALBERT (CONT’D) (wiping it off) Oh Curtis, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Curtis. Okay, here we go. Albert stumbles up to Louise’s door, and knocks. No answer. He knocks again. After a beat, a light comes on, and Louise opens the door. LOUISE Albert? What the hell are you doing here? It’s almost 1:30. ALBERT Louise, we need to talk. LOUISE (smells booze) Are you drunk? ALBERT Oh. Yeah, well-- a little. It’s Curtis’ birthday, so we all took him out and... surprised him.
25. LOUISE Look, I don’t know what you want from me, but it’s late and I’m going-- (starts to shut door; Albert grabs it) ALBERT Louise-- I love you. And I know we can work this out. Just-- I can be cooler. LOUISE Albert, no. I already told you, it’s over. Now just-ALBERT I’ll-- I’ll fight Charlie Blanche. I’ll do it. LOUISE I don’t care about that. Look, I’m sure you’re perfect for somebody else, just not for me. Now good night. ALBERT Louise... what am I supposed to do without you? She shuts the door. ALBERT (CONT’D) You heartless fuckin’ bitch! (then, immediately) I still love you though. EXT./ESTAB. ALBERT’S FARM - DAY INT. ALBERT’S HOUSE - DAY George and Elsie sit in the main room. George reads the Bible, and Elsie knits beside the window. Albert emerges from the bedroom, still in his pajamas. GEORGE Well, look who’s up at two in the afternoon. ALBERT (lamely) Ahahahahaha.
26. ELSIE Hello, sweetheart. GEORGE There’s still some pig ass and sweet cream there if you want it. Albert stares at the table, where a disgusting-looking plate of food sits. A fly lands on top of it. ALBERT (grimaces) I’m gonna use the outhouse. If I die out there, would you guys do me a favor? Just once, I want you to switch seats. Albert opens the door, revealing Edward, who was about to knock. Oh.
ALBERT (CONT’D) Hey, Edward.
Albert.
EDWARD My God, you look terrible.
ALBERT There’s that confidence boost I need, how you doin’ buddy? EDWARD Can I come in? ALBERT Sure. Sure. I know my parents are gonna be totally thrilled to see you. Guys? Edward’s here! ANGLE ON George and Elsie, whose action and expression do not change in any way. ALBERT (CONT’D) They love company. We all do. want some pig ass?
You
EDWARD Albert, I’m really worried about you. I haven’t seen you in town for a week and a half. All you do is stay home and sleep. ALBERT Well, I really feel like I need to be here with my parents. (MORE)
27. ALBERT (CONT'D) They’re not gonna be around much longer, and I really wanna give back all that love and affection I got growing up. Right, dad? George farts. Ouch.
GEORGE
ALBERT You gettin’ the fart-needles again, dad? GEORGE Never mind what I’m gettin’. EDWARD Look, I know you’re taking this breakup really hard, and I understand, but I think you gotta get outta your funk. I mean, Jesus, you haven’t even shorn your sheep in weeks. ANGLE OUTSIDE on a sheep that has grown wool over is entire upper body, so it looks like a ball of cotton with legs. It “baa”s as it walks into a wall. ALBERT Well, I thank you for your concern, Edward, but if I leave the house and go into town, I’ll see her, I’m just gonna get even more depressed. EDWARD Well of course you’re gonna see her. ALBERT Why, did you see her? How is she? Is she sad? Did she look sad? Has she lost a lot of weight? Did she gain weight? Is she fat now? That would help. EDWARD Yeah, I saw her, she seems fine. Which is all the more reason for you to get back out there, man. Show her you’re fine too! I mean, things could be worse--
28. ALBERT I’m not fine. And you don’t know what it’s like. You’re going home every night and having sex with your girlfriend. EDWARD No, Ruth and I haven’t had sex. ALBERT You... You’ve never had sex with Ruth? No.
EDWARD
ALBERT You’ve been seeing each other for a long time though. EDWARD Six years. Yikes. seem like it.
Wow.
Doesn’t
ALBERT Doesn’t she... have sex with like a dozen guys every day at the whorehouse? EDWARD On a slow day, yeah. ALBERT But... you guys have never had sex. EDWARD No, Ruth says not until we’re married. She’s a Christian, and so am I, and we want to save ourselves for each other. Y’know, for our wedding night. A beat. ALBERT You’re right, Edward. Things could be a lot worse. I’ll... I’ll try and meet some people. EXT./ESTAB. GENERAL STORE - DAY
29. INT. GENERAL STORE - SAME Albert browses various sheep-shearing tools. He notices a PRETTY GIRL picking out cookware nearby. After a beat, he walks over to her. Hi. Hello.
ALBERT PRETTY GIRL
ALBERT I uh... noticed you’re looking at pots. Yeah I am.
PRETTY GIRL
ALBERT Store’s pretty great, huh? It’s gotta have like... 20 items. Yeah.
PRETTY GIRL
ALBERT Ran that 8-item store outta business. Right? That was pretty sad. She smiles politely, then goes back to her browsing. pops a piece of gum into his mouth. ALBERT (CONT’D) You ever tried gum? No.
PRETTY GIRL
ALBERT It’s this new thing, pretty cool. Lotta people are doing it. (trying to be cool) Helps to pass the ti-ii-me. PRETTY GIRL Well, have a good rest of your day. ALBERT Listen, I don’t know if you’re doing anything Sunday after church, but they’re gonna be delivering a big block of ice into town and... (MORE)
Albert
30. ALBERT (CONT'D) should be pretty cool to watch. You don’t usually get a chance to see... that much ice all together in one place. PRETTY GIRL Yeah, that doesn’t interest me. ALBERT Yeah, no me either. so gay there.
It’s gonna be
PRETTY GIRL Aren’t you the guy that backed out of that showdown? ALBERT Uh, yeah, I-- you were there? PRETTY GIRL Yeah, pretty much the whole town was there. ALBERT Whole town, yeah. Guess I’m a pretty popular guy. PRETTY GIRL No, not after that. ALBERT Okay, yeah, I’m the dumb stupid guy who didn’t wanna get shot. What a moron I am. Fine, you know, I’m just gonna go to the ice without you, and I’m gonna have a great time. Albert exits. INT. OLD STUMP RESTAURANT - EVENING Albert sits across from a pretty Chinese girl. ALBERT So... tell me about your family. Are they-- what do your parents do? CHINESE GIRL Are you... are you serious? ALBERT Well, yeah.
31. CHINESE GIRL Well, my dad owns a business that manufactures brass light fixtures for upscale hotels. ALBERT Wow, really? CHINESE GIRL No, he’s a fucking railroad builder, like every other Chinaman out here. ALBERT Oh. Ha. That other thing was so specific, I thought-- well, I bet he’s a... really neat guy though. CHINESE GIRL Gosh, I wouldn’t know, I never see him. You know how many hours he works? ALBERT Um... (laughs nervously) All the live-long day? She gets up and leaves. ALBERT (CONT’D) Wait-- come on! Are you... even allowed to be offended by anything I do? INT. OLD STUMP RESTAURANT - EVENING CLOSE ON Albert as he eats dinner, across from an unseen date. ALBERT So, I uh... I know this is totally acceptable out here on the frontier, but, uh... not gonna lie, something about it feels kinda weird. OPPOSITE ANGLE ON a twelve year-old GIRL sitting across from him. GIRL My mother says I need to find a husband so I don’t I become an old maid.
32. ALBERT Well, I... I think you got a few years ahead of you before that. How-- how old are you? Thirteen? Fourteen? GIRL (through a mouthful of food) Twelve. Twelve??
ALBERT
GIRL Well, I’ll be twelve in this many days. She holds up her hands, indicating the number eight. ALBERT (gesturing O.S.) Can we just get the check? (to girl) I got this.
Thanks.
WAITER You sure you guys don’t want dessert? GIRL (youthfully excited) Yay! Dessert! Dessert! ALBERT (a little ashamed) I guess we’ll... take a look at a dessert menu. INT. ALBERT’S HOUSE - NIGHT A giggling girl practically drags Albert up to the front porch by the hand. She plops down on the love seat and grabs him carnivorously. ALBERT Wow, you uh-- you got a lotta energy, huh? WILD GIRL (laughs) Uh huh! She grabs him and kisses him wildly. responsive, until:
He’s suprised but
33. ALBERT Jesus, you bit my tongue!
Ow!!
The girl laughs and slaps his face, hard. Ow!
ALBERT (CONT’D) What the fuck?!
WILD GIRL Oh come on, don’t be a pussy! ALBERT What, I just don’t like hitting-She slaps him again twice and laughs. Ow!
ALBERT (CONT’D) Jesus!
WILD GIRL Are you ticklish? What?
ALBERT
WILD GIRL (tickling him) You ticklish? Oh my god, you are! So fun!! She tickles him relentlessly. Albert, very ticklish, kicks and flails about frantically as the girl laughs with glee. ALBERT Stop it! Knock it off, I’m not supposed to roughhouse! Albert accidentally kicks over a kerosene lamp, setting fire to the porch. Oh, shit!
ALBERT (CONT’D)
He grabs a burlap blanket and puts out the fire. As he cathes his breath, his dad pokes his head out the bedroom window. GEORGE Albert, is that you? ALBERT Yeah, sorry. Sorry, dad.
34. GEORGE Your mother died this afternoon. George closes the window and goes back to sleep. EXT. GRAVESITE - DAY Albert stands with George, Edward, Ruth, PASTOR WILSON, and other townsfolk over an open grave near Albert’s house. They finish singing “Amazing Grace.” PASTOR WILSON O merciful God, take this good woman into thine heavenly kingdom, that she may find peace and freedom from earthly suffering... EDWARD I’m really sorry, Albert. ALBERT She had a full life. You know, when she was born, this was all just a dusty desert plain. Now look at it. ANGLE ON a single shitty shack in the distance. esle is still just a dusty plain. ALBERT (CONT’D) We got the sod house over there. EDWARD This place sure has changed. I’ve seen old photographs of that plain without the sod house, and it’s really weird-- it’s like you recognize it, but it’s also really different, but it’s the same, but it’s just weird. ALBERT (to George) You okay, dad? GEORGE She was a good solid woman. liked her.
I
ALBERT Easy dad, I’m uncomfortable with all this emotion.
Everything
35. Three cowboys approach, carrying the bodies of two men who have been shot. COWBOY #1 Hey, we got a couple more here. COWBOY #2 Yeah, can we get in on this grave? EXT. WAGON TRAIL - DAY An OLD PROSPECTOR rides in a single horse-drawn wagon with his dog at his side. He holds a just-mined piece of gold the size of a billiard ball. He affectionately scratches his dog’s head. OLD PROSPECTOR You know what I’m gonna get you with this gold, Plugger? I’m gonna get you a big ol’ pile of fresh-cut steak. Plugger pants happily. OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) And I’m gonna get you a whole mess of bones fulla marrow. You like that? He laughs as he pats Plugger. Suddenly, Plugger begins barking in an urgent manner. He senses danger. OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) What’s wrong, boy? We hear the sound of several horses approaching. The prospector looks up ahead at the trail. ANGLE ON a group of rough-looking OUTLAWS emerging from a around a bend in the road. Plugger barks more urgently. The Prospector quickly hides the gold in a small sack. OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) All right now, settle down, pal. The outlaws stop their horses in front of the prospector’s wagon. We now see that among them is a very beautiful woman, ANNA (late 20’s). The leader of the outlaws is CLINCH. He is as bad as they come in the Old West. A former Confederate soldier, Clinch is bitter, displaced, and gone lawless in the wake of the South losing the Civil War. He is a genuinely scary man.
36. OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) (affable but a bit uneasy) Howdy there. No response.
Plugger growls.
OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) Easy, Plugger. What can I do for you fellas? CLINCH We’re riding through to Sherman Creek. We were hoping you could tell us the shortest route. OLD PROSPECTOR Oh. Well sure, I can help you there. The prospector fumbles for a map. As he does so, a couple of the outlaws glance at Clinch, as if waiting for a signal. Anna looks at him as well, but with a bit of defiant concern. The prospector gets out of his wagon, and walks over to the outlaws. OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) (indicating map) You can follow the main road through Bullhead and straight on into Sherman Creek, but you’d probably get there quicker if you take Bilbee Pass. Safer, too. Less chance of bandits and such. CLINCH (a beat) Thank you. The Old Prospector nods and moves back toward his wagon. CLINCH (CONT’D) Oh, there’s one more thing you can do for us. OLD PROSPECTOR What’s that? CLINCH You can hand over the gold. The Prospector looks at him nervously for a beat.
37. OLD PROSPECTOR Oh, I... I ain’t got no gold. I wish. Been prospecting all day, and that stream’s just panned out. On my way back to town now. CLINCH You see, that’s just it. You’re heading back to town in the middle of the day. Prospector only does that when he’s found gold to sell. Now, give it to me. OLD PROSPECTOR (much more scared now, and trying to hide it) I swear, I don’t have any gold. I’m headin’ into town early ‘cause-Clinch draws his gun. OLD PROSPECTOR (CONT’D) Oh now, wait a minute. Y’know, I might have a little bit of gold-Clinch shoots the prospector dead. ANNA Clinch, goddammit, you didn’t have to do that! Plugger goes to his master and starts licking him and making a sad whining sound. CLINCH I know I didn’t have to, sweetheart. ANNA He would’ve given you the gold! CLINCH The point is, I had to ask him twice. I’m a busy man with a schedule. ANNA You’re a son of a bitch, is what you are. Clinch strikes Anna in the face, hard, knocking her off her horse. She’s winded, but still looks up at him with unbroken defiance.
38. CLINCH Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. A man’s wife will show him respect. ANNA (getting to her feet) Glad to see that works both ways. One of the other outlaws, BEN, approaches with the prospector’s map. BEN (indicating map) Clinch, we’re gonna lose half a day going through Bullhead. CLINCH (thinks a beat, looking at map) You, Enoch, Jordy, and the boys’ll ride with me. We’ll take Bilbee Pass to Sherman Creek Trail. Make no mistake about the kinda heat we’re gonna draw after we take that stage. Every lawman in this territory’ll be out for us. Clinch turns to Anna, who is now back on her horse. CLINCH (CONT’D) You’re stayin’ outta harm’s way. Lewis, you’ll ride east with Anna, and hole up here in (indicating map) Old Stump. When things cool down, we’ll come for you. ANNA Thank you so much, sweetheart, for always thinking about my safety. Clinch gives her a snarky smile, then gallops away with his gang. Only Lewis and Anna remain. Anna watches Clinch ride away with a sour look on her face. Lewis turns to ride away. LEWIS C’mon Anna, let’s go. Anna reluctantly starts to follow him. She turns and looks back at the prospector’s body, with Plugger still whimpering over it. Anna stops for a moment. Plugger!
ANNA C’mon, boy!
39. Plugger looks up at her, unsure. ANNA (CONT’D) C’mon, Plugger! C’mon! Giving in, Plugger turns and hurries toward Anna. LEWIS (eye roll) Jesus Christ. Anna and Lewis ride away, with Plugger following. EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - MORNING Albert and Edward walk down the street. pushing a rolling hoop with a stick.
A kid passes them
EDWARD Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick-hoops lately. ALBERT I know, I actually worry about what it does to their brains. EDWARD It stunts their attention spans, right? ALBERT Oh yeah. That is the death of innovation, right there. When intellectual progress comes to a screeching halt twenty years from now, you can thank the stick-hoop. Suddenly, Albert stops dead in his tracks, and sees something O.S. ANGLE ON a storefront with a sign reading MOUSTACHERY. Louise is coming out through the front door. FOY, a sprucedup-looking dandy with a fine suit and a curled moustache, emerges behind her, and locks up. He turns, to Louise, they kiss, and she takes his arm as they walk up the street. ANGLE ON Albert standing with Edward, as they watch. Holy shit.
ALBERT (CONT’D) Foy?! Fucking Foy.
ALBERT (CONT’D) Aw man, I’m sorry, Al.
40. ALBERT (CONT’D) She told me she didn’t want to date anyone. She had to “work on herself.” Bull fucking shit. Foy. The owner of the moustachery. If it were acceptable to be openly gay in our time, Foy would have ten Englishmen living in his asshole. EDWARD Maybe you should grow a moustache. ALBERT I can’t afford it. The upkeep alone: the waxes, the oils, the creams, I don’t have the cash. Fucking Foy. (sighs) C’mon let’s go. Where’s Ruth? She coming to church? EDWARD No, she has a 10 o’clock blumpkin. ALBERT What’s a blumpkin? EDWARD It’s when a man receives fellatio while he’s making stool. They just invented it in Italy, and it’s become popular here. ALBERT “Receives fellatio?” Jesus, you make it sound like an Episcopal Communion service. EDWARD Well, it’s just the process. ALBERT So, a guy gets his dick sucked while he’s taking a shit. EDWARD Albert, don’t use those words. It diminishes Ruth’s work. She takes a lot of pride in doing a good job. ALBERT I’m... I’m sorry, Edward. I wasn’t thinking. It won’t happen again.
41. EDWARD It’s okay. (then, noticing something O.S. In the street) Hey, look, it’s the ice. ANGLE ON the street, where a group of men are struggling to unload a massive block of ice from the back of a wagon. They are assembling a wooden ramp with which to slide it down. Albert and Edward watch for a beat. ALBERT See, this is fun. Huh?
She missed out.
EDWARD
A plank on the back of the wagon snaps, and one end of the ice block crashes to the ground, crushing the skull of one of the men. Albert and Edward scream in horror. ALBERT/EDWARD AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH MY GOD!! OH JESUS!!! AAAAAAAAA!!! THAT WENT BAD SO FAST!!!!!! OH GOD!!!! EXT./ESTAB. CHURCH - MORNING INT. CHURCH - MORNING PASTOR WILSON stands at the pulpit, delivering his sermon. PASTOR WILSON And make no mistake, my children: there shall be swift and righteous justice on all free-grazers. No more shall they nibble wantonly at the teat of our coffers. And that’s just exactly like that part in the Bible that applies to that situation. Amen. Amen.
CONGREGATION
Over the following, Albert glances over at Louise and Foy, who sit together. Louise does not see him, but Foy does, and shoots him a dismissive look.
42. PASTOR WILSON We would like to offer a heartfelt prayer to the family of James Addison, who was killed this morning while unloading the ice shipment. James, we’ll think of you lovingly this July as we sip the cold summer beverages for which you gave your life. ALBERT (sotto, to Edward) They’re still gonna use the fuckin’ ice. PASTOR WILSON Before we end the service this morning, we’d like to welcome two new members of our community: Lewis Barnes, and his sister Anna. Over the following, Albert turns and looks over. He sees Anna, and regards her with interest and curiosity. He notes her beauty, but in a detached way. PASTOR WILSON (CONT’D) They’ve just moved here to Old Stump, and plan to build a farm, so we wish them the best of luck. That concludes today’s service, God bless you for another week, and there is a mountain lion warning in effect. EXT./ESTAB. MOUSTACHERY - DAY INT. MOUSTACHERY - SAME The interior is adorned with various photographs of men with impressive-looking moustaches. Various moustache-care products line the walls, perused by a couple of browsers. In the back we see a man in a barber-type chair getting his moustache carefully waxed and combed by a male attendant. Foy, holding a jar of moustache cream, talks with a moderately well-dressed CUSTOMER who has an absolutely huge, bushy moustache. FOY I would say you could try oiling it into a fine curl, your moustache definitely has the body for it.
43. CUSTOMER Yeah, I’ve thought about that, but I sorta like it a little messy, y’know? Sorta fun? FOY Well, if that’s what you’re going for, I’d use the cream, and I would definitely let it grow. CUSTOMER See, I kinda wanna do that. FOY And you know what, I see the hesitation on your face, but trust me, you could do that. CUSTOMER Like shoulder-length? Do it.
FOY You’ll thank me.
CUSTOMER See, I’ve always wanted to do shoulder-length, but I’m just worried I don’t have the chin for it. FOY You have the chin for it. CUSTOMER Okay, wow, you just gave me like a whole bunch of confidence. FOY Try the cream for a few weeks, and lemme know how it goes. CUSTOMER I will, thank you. I’m all excited, now I want it to grow really fast! As the customer exits, Louise passes him through the front door. She approaches Foy. Hi. Hey, you.
LOUISE FOY
44. They kiss. LOUISE So I’m getting really excited for the fair, and I thought maybe we could go dress shopping later. FOY You know, I was thinking you could use a new dress. LOUISE Something... expensive? FOY Stupidly expensive. She laughs and they kiss again. At that moment, the door opens again, and Albert “nonchalantly” enters. LOUISE (under breath) Oh, Jesus. FOY Hi, Albert. Hello.
ALBERT
FOY What’s up, kiddo? in here before.
Never seen you
ALBERT Just, um... browsing. FOY Yeah... you don’t have a moustache though. ALBERT Yeah, I was, uh... thinkin’ about... growin’ one. LOUISE I’m gonna use the powder room. She exits. FOY What kinda moustache you looking to grow?
45. ALBERT Um... a big one. the kind that... goes down below my mouth and then along the edge of my jaw and then goes up and becomes my sideburns and then becomes my hair. FOY Ah, a Mobius moustache. ALBERT A Mobius moustache, yeah. FOY (beat) You, ah... you know that sort of moustache is a costly facial accessory. Yeah.
ALBERT
FOY Well-- come on, Albert, you’re a sheep farmer. ALBERT You feel good about what you’re doing? FOY What am I doing? ALBERT Stealing a guy’s girlfriend? able to sleep at night?
You
FOY Hey-- Louise dumped you, my friend. It’s not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer. I can give her a lavish home. Warm blankets. Wrapped candies. Can you say the same, Albert? Can you give Louise wrapped candies? ALBERT Fuck you, man. FOY Yeah, that’s what she’s doing.
46. Albert stares at him for a beat, then storms out. After a moment, he re-enters and makes a clumsy attempt to knock over some jars. He trips and rights himself, and knocks two jars over before exiting again. EXT. SALOON - NIGHT A typical lively (for a frontier town) evening, as locals make their way in and out of the saloon. INT. SALOON - NIGHT Edward sits at a table in the saloon, waiting patiently for Ruth. He looks up and notices the two newcomers, Anna and Lewis, enter the saloon and approach the bar. The locals take note of Anna, and a couple guys vocalize their approval, but it doesn’t seem to faze her. ANGLE ON Ruth, who emerges from the upper level, exiting one of the brothel rooms with a dirty-looking cowboy. Edward stands up with a smile as she descends. She walks over and sits down opposite him. He takes her hands. Hi, honey.
EDWARD
RUTH Oh, gosh, that was a long day. EDWARD Aw, what happened? RUTH This guy wanted me to smoke a cigar and ash on his balls while I jerked him off. EDWARD Wow, see your job is interesting ‘cause no two days are alike. I go to work and I’m like, grrr! Monotony! RUTH It’s a ride. EDWARD (beat) Ruth, honey, I’ve been thinking. RUTH About what?
47. EDWARD Well... I love you. RUTH I love you too. EDWARD And we’ve been together a long time, and I... well... what do you think about... us spending the night together? RUTH (disbelieving surprise) You mean sharing a bed? Yeah.
EDWARD
RUTH And... having sex? EDWARD Well, I mean, not right away. We could just lie together the first few times, see how it feels, and then go from there. RUTH Eddie... we’re Christians. EDWARD I know we are. And I want to do the correct thing in the eyes of the Lord, but... if we really love each other... then wouldn’t God be okay with it? Over the following line, Ruth turns her head, and we see her opposite cheek for the first time. There is a small dollop of semen dripping down her face. RUTH I don’t know, you’re talking about premarital relations. EDWARD Oop, you got a little somethin’ there. Oh.
RUTH
48.
I got it.
EDWARD
Edward wipes it off with his handkerchief, and puts it back in his pocket. RUTH Eddie, I’m just not sure... EDWARD Maybe think about it? At that moment, Albert enters and sits down with a head full of steam. That’s it. Huh?
ALBERT I’m out. EDWARD
ALBERT I’m out. I’m gone. I’m getting outta here, and I’m going to San Francisco. What?
RUTH
ALBERT Yeah, I just wanted to say goodbye. EDWARD Whoa whoa, Al, are you serious? ‘Cause of Louise? ALBERT Yes, I’m fucking serious. There’s shit all for me here, and I’m out. I hate the frontier, I hate everything in it, and I’m not gonna be emotionally tortured by seeing the girl I thought I was gonna marry every single day with her new asshole moustached boyfriend. RUTH So... you’re just gonna leave Old Stump? ALBERT Wow, Ruth, I love you, but you have no idea how fuckin’ stupid that sounds.
49. EDWARD What about me? What?
ALBERT
EDWARD What am I gonna do if you’re gone? ALBERT Well gosh, Edward, we’re men, so I guess there’s no need to make a big deal about it. This is-- I gotta do this, and... I’m sorry. ANGLE ON THE BAR - The bartender gives Lewis a drink. He takes it, and raises it to his mouth. At that moment, a YOUNG COWBOY behind him laughs heartily at some joke or other told by his buddy, and bumps Lewis in the back. Lewis’ drink spills on him. He turns around. YOUNG COWBOY Hey, watch it, pal. LEWIS I think you owe me a drink, fella. YOUNG COWBOY (derisive laugh) What the hell’s wrong with you? LEWIS I’m thirsty. YOUNG COWBOY Well then go down to the river and take a dunk. LEWIS Last chance, kid. The young cowboy takes a glass from the bar, pours a whiskey, and moves to hand it to Lewis. Lewis goes to take it, but at the last moment the young cowboy drops his lit cigarette in the glass. Lewis stares for a second, then pulls out his gun and shoots the young cowboy in the chest. The young cowboy falls to the ground, dead. Albert and his friends react with alarm. Another rough-looking local behind Lewis breaks a bottle across his ear. Lewis goes down. Another cowboy turns on the bottle-breaking cowboy. OTHER COWBOY That’s my bottle, you son of a bitch!
50. He takes a swing at the bottle-breaking cowboy, and a bar brawl ensues almost instantly. ALBERT/EDWARD Oh Jesus/Oh shit. ALBERT Why the fuck does this always have to happen? Two guys get in a fight and then suddenly we all have to start fighting. EDWARD C’mon hurry, get in position. ANGLE ON the brawl in full swing. Two guys near Edward and Albert are into it, and their fight is making its way nearer. When it gets really close, we reveal Edward and Albert are mock fighting to protect themselves. EDWARD (CONT’D) We got our own thing goin’ on over here! ALBERT Yeah, and it’s really bad! fighting me!
Stop
EDWARD I friggin’ hate this guy! Ow!
ALBERT A punch!
EDWARD I hope I win! ALBERT Yeah, nobody needs to get in on this! We’re both getting hurt pretty bad! At that moment, Albert notices something O.S. ANGLE ON the balcony above, where a few cowboys are brawling. The rickety wooden railing is cracking with each impact, about to give way. Directly beneath it is Anna, attempting to keep out of the way of the action. Albert runs toward her, and pushes her out of the way just as two brawling cowboys crash through the railing, falling to the floor below. She just misses being crushed by their fall, and by the heavy wooden debris.
51. EXT. SALOON - NIGHT Albert and Anna stumble out of the saloon, out of breath. Thank you.
ANNA
ALBERT Yeah, sure. At that moment, the sheriff and deputy race up the saloon steps, guns firing into the air. Shit!
ALBERT (CONT’D) Come on, let’s go.
EXT. FURTHER UP THE STREET - MOMENTS LATER Albert and Anna dust themselves off as they walk up the street. ANNA Pretty fast hands back there. I guess you’re a real hero, huh? ALBERT Oh no, I’m not the hero. I’m the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero’s shirt. Ah.
ANNA
Plugger runs up to Anna enthusiastically. Heh.
ANNA (CONT’D) This is Plugger.
ALBERT (petting him) Hey there, Plugger. (then) So... that was your brother, huh? ANNA Lewis, yeah. ALBERT Does he generally commit murder over beverage-related disputes? ANNA He’s always been a little rambunctious, yeah.
52. ALBERT Yeah, he seems like a character. You’re... okay, though? ANNA Oh yeah, I’ve seen him do it a hundred times. I don’t have to worry about Lewis, he’ll pull himself out no problem. ALBERT Yeah, doesn’t seem like there’s anything to worry about I’m uh... I’m Albert by the way. Anna.
ANNA
ALBERT You guys just got into town, huh? Welcome to our awesome town. ANNA Thanks, yeah, Lewis and I just came from Kansas City. ALBERT Oh, Kansas. ANNA Well no, it’s in Missouri. ALBERT Oh right, that’s annoying and weird. ANNA Yeah, we were wanting a change, so we came out to the frontier looking to build a farm. ALBERT Really? That’s what I do. I have a farm about two miles from here. ANNA Oh, cattle? Sheep. Oh.
ALBERT ANNA
53.
Yeah.
ALBERT
ANNA Well, that’s gotta be fulfilling work though, right? ALBERT Yeah, it’s great, it’s like being a dog walker for a hundred and fifty really stupid dogs. ANNA (laughs) It can’t be that bad. cute.
Sheep are
ALBERT Yeah, that’s the problem. I mean, if I was a cattle farmer, that'd be one thing. Y'know? That's a manly job. You use cows to make beef. Leather. Tough things. With sheep you make sweaters. I'm basically a sweater farmer. ANNA (laughs) Okay. They reach the big stump in the center of the street. ANNA (CONT’D) I’m assuming this is why the town’s called Old Stump. ALBERT Yeah, when they built the town, they had to cut down this big tree, but they couldn’t move the stump. They didn’t have any dynamite, and they ran outta black guys, so they just had to leave it here, right in the middle of the street. ANNA (gesturing) Well, why couldn’t they just build the town fifty feet that way? Albert stares at the stump for a beat.
54. ALBERT So, why would you leave Kansas City for the western frontier? I mean, this is a shithole. ANNA I don’t know -- it’s exciting. Everything’s so new and unpredictable. ALBERT Well that is true, nothing is what it seems out here, like look-- see that building right there? I mean we don’t know what’s inside. I mean it could be anything. He points to a wooden building that is ridiculously and obviously marked “BANK” in huge letters. Anna laughs. ALBERT (CONT’D) This whole place has such an air of mystery about it. ANNA I’m getting the sense that you’re kind of a negative guy. ALBERT I live in a place that’s as boring as it is deadly. The whole West is basically just like a big dangerous bummer. But it’s not gonna be my problem any longer. I’m packing up tomorrow. ANNA Really? Well, you gotta do what makes you happy. ALBERT Kind of impossible right now, but we’ll see. Anna regards him for a moment. ANNA Could it be... that you are also a man with a broken heart? ALBERT Since you brought it up, can I unload all my shit on you?
55. ANNA Well, I do owe you one. EXT. A RIDGE - NIGHT Albert and Anna sit on a rock, looking down at the town of Old Stump below. From this angle, the town looks idyllic and peaceful. ALBERT My whole life revolved around making her happy. She was the one thing that made the shootings and wild animals and Indians and general depressing awfulness about the West bearable, y’know? ANNA How’d you guys meet? ALBERT We both had dysentery in the same hospital. ANNA Bloody stools. ALBERT Bloody stools. Bloody stoolerinos. And we totally hit it off. She was tired of living in Sherman Creek, so we both came back to Old Stump, I helped her get set up with a job as a schoolmarm, and she’s been here with me ever since. ANNA Was she a good marm? ALBERT She could marm. She could marm. Her marming skills were-- I would say she outmarmed any other marm this town’s had. She marmed the hell outta that school. She made the churchmarm look like a piece of shit. ANNA My mom was a marm.
56. ALBERT And, the whole time we were together, I thought, “how can I possibly be this happy? One of these days she’s gonna figure out she’s too good for me.” And then one day she did. ANNA I think you got that upside down. I mean, it sounds like you’ve bent over backwards for this girl, but what’s she given you in return? ALBERT I told you, she made me happy. ANNA Uh huh. Well, if this Foy guy is that much of a douche, then she’ll figure it out if she’s smart. Sometimes a girl has to get a few assholes out of her system before she realizes what a good guy looks like. Albert sighs. Suddenly, there is a rattling sound. They look down, and a rattlesnake is slowly slithering by at their feet. All of the following dialogue is said through tight mouths and with frozen bodies. Oh, fuck.
ALBERT
ANNA Is it a copperhead? Yeahp. Fuck.
ALBERT ANNA
ALBERT If we hold still, we’ll be fine. Okay.
ANNA
A beat. ANNA (CONT’D) So, you’re really leaving tomorrow, huh?
57. ALBERT
Yeah.
ANNA Why don’t you at least stay through the weekend? Isn’t the fair on Saturday? ALBERT Oh, fuck that, Louise is gonna be there, and she’s gonna be with Foy. ANNA Well then I’ll go with you. No better way to make your exgirlfriend want you back than to have her see you with another girl. (sigh) Maybe.
ALBERT
ANNA Especially a hot girl. She sees me, she’ll be totally intimidated. ALBERT Oh, you’re very modest I see. ANNA Yes, I know I’m a little cocky, but I have great tits, so... Albert laughs, which makes the rattler shake its rattle. ALBERT (freezing up again) Ah, shit! Sorry! Sorry! EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP STREET - NEXT MORNING An old man sits outside the general store reading the paper. The headline reads “BAR BRAWLER ARRESTED FOR MURDER”. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - SAME Lewis lies sleeping in a cell. Barnes.
The SHERIFF enters with Anna.
SHERIFF You got a visitor.
Lewis wakes up and sees Anna.
58.
Anna!
LEWIS
ANNA You dumb asshole. LEWIS Hey look, I didn’t know who he was, and besides, he was all up in my face, you saw-ANNA You shot the pastor’s son. You realize they’re probably gonna hang you. Lewis moves in closer and lowers his voice. LEWIS Who gives a fuck what they want? When Clinch gets into town, it’s not gonna matter what they do. He’ll bust me out and anyone who tries to stop him is gonna be a dead man. ANNA Then he’s a murderer. you.
And so are
LEWIS (beat, darkens) I don’t think Clinch would like you talking about him that way. Not a nice thing for a man’s wife to say about her husband. ANNA Well, we’ll see if he gets here in time, huh. Tick tock. Anna exits.
Lewis watches her with dark silence.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY The fairgound is bustling with frontier folk. There are tents, shooting galleries, games, etc. Albert rides up on his horse and dismounts. Three sheep approach, and start “baa”-ing. ALBERT (shooing them away) Oh, Jesus, come on! Go home! (MORE)
Go!
59. That way! Now!
ALBERT (CONT'D) Jonathan! Andrew!
Go!
The sheep wander off as he ties his horse to a nearby post, as Anna rides up. ANNA Hey, sheepboy! Hey.
ALBERT
She dismounts. ALBERT (CONT’D) Jesus, I heard about your brother. ANNA Albert, I’ll only say this once. I don’t want to talk about Lewis. Anything that happens to him right now is his own fault. Got it? ALBERT Yeah, sure. ANNA Now let’s hit the fair, ‘cause you know what I wanna do? ALBERT Eat hot food in hundred-degree weather? ANNA Get my picture taken. it before.
Never done
ALBERT Well you’re in luck, they got a guy right over there. ANNA Let’s do it, come on! She pulls him onto the fairground and over to the photo booth. They get in line. A sign reads, “PHOTO GRAPHS! MADE BY LIGHTNING AND GOD HIMSELF!” A family is posing for a photo as a photographer stands under the curtain of a large, old camera. PHOTOGRAPHER Okay, everybody hold still!
60. The family stands rigidly and without expression, as the powder flash goes off, leaving smoke in its wake. ANNA Y’know, supposedly there’s some guy in Texas who smiled one time while he was getting his picture taken. ALBERT Shut the fuck up. I was just talkin’ about--are you serious? ANNA I think. I mean I heard it somewhere, I dunno if it’s true. ALBERT Yeah, that sounds like the kinda bullshit somebody would make up. Short beat. ANNA So, I know what kinda girl you like -- what kinda girl do you not like? Huh?
ALBERT
ANNA Like, what’s the worst quality for you in another person? ALBERT Oh, that’s an interesting question. ANNA That deal-breaker thing you absolutely cannot tolerate. For me it’s tobacco chewing. I don’t care how much a guy smokes, but if he chews, forget it. There’s no way I’m kissing that. And he’s definitely not going down on me. ALBERT Wow. That’s beautiful. You should stitch that into a pillow. ANNA (laughs)
61. ALBERT You can embroider it all fancy and it can say “Don’t go snackin’ if you been tobaccin’.” ANNA (laugh trails off) Well, what about you? ALBERT Um... well, you’re gonna think this is fucked up because it is, but I really can’t handle it when a girl looks like her dad. ANNA Okay, that’s... bizarre.
Why?
ALBERT Well I mean, if I’m dating a girl, and then I meet her mom and dad, and it turns out she looks like him, and I see all the matching facial features, and the bone structure and whatnot, from then on every time I kiss her, I’m very aware that I’m kissing... the dad’s... facial geography. And it just has a gay feeling. I see.
ANNA
ALBERT Yeah, I know. I was dating this girl about ten years ago and me and her and her family all went down to the creek for a swim one day, and her dad took his shirt off, and he had the exact same nipples as she did. I had to move to a different town. ANNA (beat) I’m surprised your girlfriend left you. ALBERT (laughing despite himself) Yeah yeah, shut the hell up. ANGLE ON the photographer again. standing in front of the camera.
Now there is a couple
62. PHOTOGRAPHER Okay, everyone hold still! The camera flash explodes, killing the photographer and igniting several passers-by. Albert, Anna, and the other people in line react to the explosion. ALBERT/ANNA Jesus!/Oh my God! ALBERT This fucking fair! Every year something happens, and boom -people die. ANNA Every year people die? ALBERT Oh yeah, I forget you’re from a place that’s not awful. Yes, every year people die. Let’s see -- last year there were two gunfights, a stage collapsed, there were two knife fights, a drowning, and the Indians attacked. Nearby, a BARKER stands at a booth that says “Medicine Show”. An array of tonics and elixirs with colorful labels are displayed. BARKER Sir and madam! May I divert your attention over here for a moment! Albert and Anna approach. BARKER (CONT’D) Welcome, welcome! Can I interest you in a miracle cure? Only the finest healing tonics and elixirs procured from the farthest corners of the globe! Albert picks up a bottle. ALBERT Ogden’s Celebrated Stomach Bitters. Can I-- can I just ask-- celebrated by who? Who’s celebrating about stomach bitters?
63. ANNA God, look at the ingredients: alcohol, cocaine, morphine-ALBERT Mercury with chalk. What the hell is mercury with chalk? BARKER (with flare) Science! ALBERT (reading) And red flannel. Red flannel? There’s shirt in here? BARKER Pieces of shirt. ALBERT Okay, thank you. BARKER (holding up a bottle) Would you care to try some Parker’s Liquid Beef Tonic! ALBERT (looking O.S.) Oh God. What?
ANNA
ALBERT That’s them. ANGLE ON Louise and Foy approaching. ALBERT (CONT’D) Okay, let’s pretend you just said something funny. Albert laughs hysterically with an hand on Anna’s shoulder. ALBERT (CONT’D) Wait, no-- shit! You pretend I just said something funny. ANNA Come on, introduce me. She takes his arm and leads him over to Foy and Louise.
64.
Wait, no-Hi there!
ALBERT ANNA Foy and Louise, right?
FOY That’s right. ALBERT Hi, Louise. LOUISE Hello, Albert. ALBERT Uh, this is Anna.
She’s uh...
ANNA I’m his girlfriend. ALBERT She’s my girlfriend. Big time.
The new gf.
ANNA Lotttt of sexual activity. ALBERT Y--yeah. (to Foy and Louise) How ‘bout you guys? Any sexual acts? LOUISE Albert, stop it. Sweetie, I’m sorry-ALBERT Oh, he’s sweetie now. You hear that? Isn’t that great? God, I’m rooting for you guys. LOUISE You’re embarrassing yourself, Albert. FOY No, it’s all right, dear. I’m only sweetie in public. When we’re alone, she calls me... penis man. ANNA Hey, we were just about to try the shooting gallery. Wanna join?
65.
What?
ALBERT
ANNA Yeah, it’ll be fun, right bigger penis man? That’s my nickname for him. What’s crazy is that I actually came up with it before we even heard yours. FOY That’s a great idea! In fact, what do you say we make things interesting? A nickel a target. ALBERT That’s uh-- that’s a little rich for my blood. How ‘bout a penny? FOY What’s the matter, Albert? business ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad?!
Is
Foy looks around at everyone, impressed with himself. FOY (CONT’D) A penny it is. Good lord, Albert, you’re such a sheepskate. Foy looks around, once again impressed with himself. FOY (CONT’D) All right Louise, get ready to shear me on. Foy looks around, once again impressed with himself. FOY (CONT’D) For heaven sakes, Foy. ANNA Well then, let’s get to it, huh? Foy and Louise approach the gallery. ALBERT (aside, to Anna) What the hell are you doing? suck balls at-ANNA Relax, it’ll be fine.
I
66. Foy steps up to the gallery, and pays the vendor. He takes out a small tin of moustache wax, and expertly greases his moustache. He picks up the gun, takes aim, and the targets begin popping up. They are all cardboard images of the same completely racist, stereotypical-looking, wide-eyed black guy cartoon character dressed only in overalls. Foy shoots fast and sure, and takes out two thirds of the targets. VENDOR 7 out of 10! Quite a marksman! He turns smugly to Albert as we hear a smattering of applause from the small group of observers who have gathered. FOY Care to try? Albert takes the gun, and reluctantly aims. He fires several times, and does not hit a single target. The crowd groans and sneers. ANGLE ON the 12 year-old girl from the earlier restaurant scene, watching with a friend. OTHER GIRL Didn’t you date that guy? GIRL Weeee hung out a few times, I dunno if you’d call it dating. OTHER GIRL Not so good huh? GIRL I mean, he gave it the ol’ college try but it just didn’t have the wow factor. ANGLE BACK ON FOY, who stands smugly facing Albert. FOY Looks like that’s seven cents you owe me, sheepherder. ANNA Hang on a sec. Foy looks at her. ANNA (CONT’D) You wanna make it even more interesting? Foy waits to hear her out.
67. ANNA (CONT’D) If I can shoot 10 out of 10 on Albert’s behalf, you owe him a dollar. If I can’t, he owes you a dollar. ALBERT Whoa now, hang on-CROWD A dollar?! / I’ve never seen a dollar! / Nobody has a dollar! / LET US SEE THE DOLLAR! All right.
FOY You’re on.
Foy smugly and confidently hands her the gun. ANNA (to vendor) Can that thing go any faster? VENDOR Well yeah, you can play double or triple speeds, but that’s-ANNA Fastest speed you got. The vendor turns a crank as Foy looks on suspiciously. The shooting gallery starts up again, this time racing along at lightning speeds. Anna makes quick work of all the targets, hitting every single one. She hands the gun back to Foy, who looks on stunned, as does everyone else. Holy shit.
ALBERT
ANNA That’ll be one dollar. Foy numbly takes out a very large old-style dollar, and hands it to Albert, who is also stunned. CROWD There it is! / It’s beautiful! ANGLE ON a FATHER, smacking the back of his son’s head. FATHER Take your hat off, that’s a dollar bill!
68. FOY (to Albert) Well. A man who lets his girlfriend do his shooting for him. Isn’t that a fine thing. A few people chuckle. FOY (CONT’D) (louder) I say, isn’t that a fine thing! More people laugh harder. ALBERT I know that you really don’t think that it is. ANNA (deadpan) That’s telling him, Albert. ALBERT In an hour, I’ll think of like eight comebacks. FOY (to Louise) I see why you dumped him. Foy kisses Louise on the cheek. take of this.
Albert has had all he can
ALBERT You wanna back up that attitude, asshole? FOY You’re kidding. ALBERT (beat) Pistols. You and me. FOY You wouldn’t have a prayer, kiddo. Tomorrow.
ALBERT 8 a.m. sharp.
All right.
FOY Challenge accepted.
69. ANNA Ooh, gosh, tomorrow’s bad for me and I really wanna be there-- how about two weeks from today. (pointedly) That work for you, Albert? ALBERT Yeah, sure. FOY (beat, nods) Two weeks. Come on Louise, I’ll buy you some sugared butter shavings. Foy pulls Anna away as they both exit. Oh fuck.
ALBERT ANNA
Wow. What.
Albert exhales.
ALBERT The hell. Did I just do?
ANNA You just challenged Foy to a gunfight. ALBERT Oh Jesus. I just fuckin’ snapped, I didn’t even know what I was saying! ANNA It’s interesting. Did you see the look on Louise’s face? ALBERT No, what do you mean? ANNA She was alert. Aroused. impressed. She was?
ALBERT
She was
70. ANNA Yeah, she was. You had a fire in your belly for a second there, pal, and I bet you never showed her that side of you before. ALBERT I don’t have that side. Someone else took control of my brain just now. ANNA Well, you definitely got her attention. You beat that guy in a gunfight, and I bet she thinks twice about dumping you. Yeah? Yup.
ALBERT ANNA
ALBERT Anna, I can’t be in a gunfight! What am I, Clinch Leatherwood over here? I’ll get killed-ANNA (turning to him defensively) Why would you say that? ALBERT What do you mean? ‘Cause he’s the most vicious gunfighter in the territory. Which I am not. ANNA No, you’re definitely not Clinch Leatherwood. And don’t worry, that two weeks I bought you is enough time for me to teach you how to shoot. ALBERT Yeah, and that’s another thing, how the hell can you shoot like that? Who the hell are you? ANNA My father was a gunmaker, I’ve been firing guns since I could walk. (MORE)
71. ANNA (CONT'D) Come on, sheepboy, you’re all worked up, let’s get you a drink. They walk past the medicine show barker again. BARKER Hey, it’s our sweet young couple! Can I interest you folks in some Wild Root Cream Oil? ANNA Oh no, we’re-Suddenly, a giant long-horn bull stampedes through frame, knocking over the bottle display and instantly and gruesomely killing the barker and dragging him O.S. Anna and Albert stare in shock for a beat, then: ANNA (CONT’D) People die at the-ALBERT (overlapping) People die at the fair. INT. SALOON - DAY As Albert and Anna enter (Plugger tags along but waits outside), We see the sheriff and deputy leaving, restraining a man in his underwear. Inside, Millie stands with Ruth, Edward, and about six other whores. They all look distraught. ALBERT Hey, what’s going on? everything all right?
Is
MILLIE (emotional) One of the girls was raped. ALBERT/ANNA Oh my god! / Jesus, what happened? MILLIE I walked in and this rancher was just riding Becky like she was some sort of show pony. ANNA/ALBERT Oh, god./Ohhhh.
72.
Sex. Yeah.
ALBERT MILLIE
ALBERT Like... different from normal... whorehouse sex. ANNA I know, I was gonna ask-- did he not pay, or-RUTH No, she was on her lunch break, and he didn’t wanna wait ‘til she was done with her sandwich. EDWARD It just goes to show a woman is never really completely safe from male aggression. RUTH I know, I mean, if a rape can happen here, then it can happen anywhere. ALBERT Yeah, I mean, probably more likely to happen here, but--is she okay? MILLIE Yeah, the doctor’s with her now. ALBERT Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry. is Anna by the way.
Uh, this
Anna and the rest ad-lib muted greetings to each other. ALBERT (CONT’D) Please let me know if there’s anything I can do, I mean, we could send a card or something. WHORE #1 You know what, if I were her, I’d probably love something I could use, like milk. ALBERT Well, yeah--
73. ANNA We can send milk, sure. WHORE #1 That would be so nice. ALBERT We’ll send milk. EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY A row of tin cans sits on a rock formation. Albert points a gun at them. Anna stands beside him, watching. Plugger lounges nearby. Albert fires off several shots, and does not hit one can. ALBERT This is never gonna work. ANNA Yes, it will. Will you just trust me? It’ll work, and Louise will be back in your arms before you know it. ALBERT (beat) Why are you being so nice to me? I mean, you show up outta nowhere, you’re completely out of place in my world of terribleness out here. I mean, you must have a million better things to do. ANNA What I can’t make a new friend? When I met you, you looked like you could use one. ALBERT I guess, I just-- really don’t know anything about you. ANNA Can I ask you something about you? Sure.
ALBERT
ANNA Why do you love Louise?
74. ALBERT I feel great when I’m with her, she’s classy, she’s fun, she’s insanely gorgeous... ANNA She's very pretty, yes, but honestly, and I’m sorry to say this, I don't see what else she's got going for her. My impression was that she’s kinda sour and selfabsorbed. And for a guy with so much going for him, I would think-ALBERT Well, let’s not get hysterical. ANNA I’m not. You’re sweet, you’re funny, you’re not terrible on the eyes-ALBERT “Not terrible” is what I shoot for. ANNA And you’ve made something of yourself. A lot of people out here can’t say that. You’re a good sheep farmer. ALBERT Oh please, I suck at sheep. Louise is right, I can’t keep track of ‘em. There was a sheep in the whorehouse last week. ANNA That'd make a great song title. Sheep in the Whorehouse." ALBERT (laughs gamely) But... thanks anyway. stuff you said.
"A
For that
ANNA I think you're a rare, sweet, goodhearted guy who hasn't figured out his own worth. The West sucks, yeah, but your problem isn’t just the frontier. It’s you. You need a little confidence boost.
75. She brings his arm up and helps him aim the gun. ANNA (CONT’D) Now, try again, sheepboy. ALBERT Yeah that “sheepboy” thing isn’t helping the ol’ confidence. ANNA I like sheepboy. ALBERT Why don’t you just call me fag? Get right to it. ANNA Okay, point your gun that way, fag. He sighs and takes aim. He fires, missing can after can... but on the very last shot, he hits one. Hey!
ANNA (CONT’D) There ya go!
ALBERT Holy shit, look at that-- so all I gotta do is get Foy to let me shoot sixteen times before he shoots, and I win! ANNA (laughs) You’ll get there, I promise. EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY We see a row of bottles on a fence. Anna aims the gun and calmly shoots, blowing them all off. She sets up a new row. Albert fires repeatedly, and doesn’t hit one. Frustrated, he walks right up to one of the bottles, practically touches it with the barrel of his gun, and fires. He still misses. Now childishly frustrated, he spastically knocks all the bottles off with his hands. EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY Anna throws a plate into the air like a clay pigeon. She expertly shoots it out of the sky. Albert throws another plate into the air. He shoots at it several times. The plate falls back down, shattering in his face. He yells in pain as his nose spurts blood.
76. INT. DOCTOR HARPER’S OFFICE - DAY Albert sits on the examining table, his nose still bleeding. Doctor Harper takes out a hammer and railroad spike. Albert shakes his head “no way”, and brusquely exits. EXT. LAKE SHORE - DAY Albert aims at a melon with a cowboy hat and a moustache that resembles Foy’s. Anna guides his aim, and he shoots. He hits the edge of the melon. EXT. LAKE SHORE - LATER Albert and Anna are eating the melon on a picnic blanket. ALBERT See, this is how we do it, we’ll just eat him. ANNA Then no one’ll fuck with us. be cannibals.
We’ll
ALBERT (as Foy, wearing Foy moustache) Stop eating my brains! I need them for new moustache ideas! Anna laughs. EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY Albert shoots at the bottles. this time.
He manages to hit a couple
ANNA There ya go! ALBERT What if I don’t actually shoot, I just make the sound? He pantomimes shooting, and makes dead-on gunshot sounds with his mouth as he does.
77. EXT. ALBERT’S FARM - DAY Anna has drawn a chalk outline of a person on the side of Albert’s barn. Albert shoots at the barn, and hits the target pretty well. He turns and smiles at Anna, who hugs him. After a beat, George runs out of the barn with a shotgun, and starts shooting. Albert and Anna drop to the ground. When George sees it’s them, he stops firing. GEORGE Goddammit, Albert! friends!
No more
EXT. PRAIRIE - LATE AFTERNOON Anna and Albert sit together on a rock overlooking a spectacular vista. ANNA You did great today. So much better than last week. I dunno.
ALBERT
ANNA You did. And I have a surprise for you. You’ve earned one of Anna Barnes’ very special super secret cookies. She takes a cookie out of a cloth, and takes a bite. hands it to Albert. Here.
ANNA (CONT’D)
ALBERT Oh wait, is this-- is this a weed cookie? ANNA (laughing) Yes, it’s a weed cookie. ALBERT I.. Don’t do well with that stuff. ANNA That’s ‘cause you’re too uptight. This’ll help. Just have a little.
She
78. ALBERT No. One of my worst fears is that I’ll accidentally O.D. on a recreational drug. Come on.
ANNA
He reluctantly takes a very very small bite. ANNA (CONT’D) Oh come on, more than that. Albert eats a normal-sized bite. ANNA (CONT’D) And now we get to wait for the sunset. EXT. PRAIRIE - 30 MINUTES LATER The sun is setting spectacularly. ALBERT This is so weird. to be like this?
Albert looks very uneasy.
Is it supposed
ANNA (laughing) Yes! Oh my god, will you relax? ALBERT I-- you gave me the right amount, right? You don’t think I took too much? ANNA Jesus, I’m sorry I ever even suggested it, I thought it’d help you relax. ALBERT (artificially relaxed sigh) It’s nice out here. Yeah.
ANNA
ALBERT You don’t think something went wrong, right? Like I’m not gonna stay this way.
79. ANNA Albert, you’re fine, just ride it out. ALBERT But like, you know other people who’ve tried that cookie, right? And they lived? A prairie dog pops up from a hole. ALBERT (CONT’D) Oh shit. Anna. He knows. knows all about this.
He
Anna cracks up. EXT. SHERMAN CREEK TRAIL - DAY The sky is dark and overcast. A driving rain pours down from the sky. ANGLE ON A Wells Fargo stagecoach travelling along the muddy trail. The driver and the man riding shotgun look uneasy, as do the three well-dressed passengers (a middleaged MALE PASSENGER, his WIFE, and their young SON) in the back. The wagon passes over a particularly wet patch, and grinds to a halt. Oh, shit.
DRIVER
The driver and the shotgun guard get down and try to push the wagon out of the mud. No luck. DRIVER (CONT’D) Look, John. This hole’s been freshly dug. SHOTGUN GUARD (looking around) That’s bad news. Look sharp. The driver opens the passenger door. DRIVER I’m sorry sir, but we need another body. MALE PASSENGER (sighs, annoyed) It’s all right. The three passengers get out. The mother and son stand off to the side as the three men push as hard as they can.
80. ANGLE ON the son, who spots a lizard on the ground. He chases after it, then comes to a stop as he sees something O.S. ANGLE ON Clinch and his gang, watching atop their horses. ANGLE back on the men pushing the wagon. A shot rings out. The men back away, startled. Clinch and his gang approach. Clinch marches up to the counter, and aims his pistol at the shotgun guard. Drop it.
CLINCH
The shotgun guard angrily drops his rifle. Clinch nods to his men to search the coach. Two of them dig around, until Ben pulls an iron lockbox from under the driver’s seat. BEN Found it, Clinch! He puts it on the ground. Clinch shoots the padlock off and opens it up. Inside are bars and bars of gold bullion. ANGLE ON the driver, who slowly reaches for a hidden gun. Clinch picks up one of the bars. CLINCH Ten thousand in gold bullion. We’ll kindly relieve the Wells Fargo company of this heavy burden. The driver now has his gun and is starting to raise it, when Clinch whirls around and shoots it out of his hand. The driver yelps in pain, and Clinch approaches him, backing him into the side of the coach. Clinch presses the barrel of his gun hard against the driver’s throat. CLINCH (CONT’D) I’m gonna give you just one warning: you try that again, and this’ll happen. Clinch shoots the driver dead. His lifeless body slumps to the floor. The wife pulls her son close to her and covers his face. CLINCH (CONT’D) Like I said-- one warning. right, boys, let’s go!
All
Clinch and his men gallop away. EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - SHORTLY AFTER The rain has ceased.
Clinch and his men come to a stop.
81. BEN Holy shit, Clinch, we did it! The outlaws whoop and cheer, and fire their guns into the air. CLINCH Shut up! We’re not gonna be stupid. Nobody’s doing a goddamn thing with this haul until things cool down. We’ll head back to Old Stump, get Lewis and Anna and then lay low for at least a month. Understood? The outlaws ad-lib affirmative, obedient responses. Good.
CLINCH (CONT’D)
Clinch rides away, followed by his men. EXT./ESTAB. DANCE HALL - NIGHT INT. DANCE HALL - SAME The barn is decorated for a frontier-town barn dance. Everyone is dressed in their best clothing. A band plays on a wooden stage. Albert and Anna enter. She wears a large, very uncomfortable-looking dress with a double bustle. ANNA Well, this’ll be fun. It’s nice to put on some loose, comfortable clothes and just be able to relax, y’know? ALBERT Yes, I love formal frontier dress. How many foot undergarments are you wearing? ANNA Um, I’ve got two pairs of wool calf pantaloons, three pairs of Dutch socks, a set of foot mittens, and and a brace of government overshoes. You?
82. ALBERT Uh, I’ve got four pairs of Dutch socks, one set of sealskin ankle moccasins, a duplet of Klondike heel officers, and a blanket-lined oil-cloth footcoat. ANNA I’m really comfortable. Me too.
ALBERT I like your bustle.
ANNA Yeah, I love living in a culture where it’s a positive fashion statement to simulate a fat ass. ALBERT If I was a black guy, that’s the meanest trick you could play on me. ANNA I know, especially ‘cause when you lift it up, it’s just a big metal cage. Over the previous line, she lifts up the back of the dress, revealing just that. ALBERT You are ready to relieve the stress of the day. ANNA Completely. ALBERT Well, I suppose this’ll be a good way to spend what might be my last night alive. ANNA You’re gonna be okay tomorrow. You’ve come a long way since the fair. ALBERT Why the hell does everything in the West have to be settled with violence anyway? This is the ‘80’s, for Christ’s sake; let’s be civilized.
83. ANNA Do you trust me? (beat) Yeah.
ALBERT
ANNA (significantly) Good. You’ll be fine. If I thought you were gonna lose this gunfight, I’d tell you to call it off. (beat) Just trust me. ALBERT (believing her) Okay... EDWARD/RUTH (approaching) Hey Albert! / Hey! EDWARD They’re gonna start the dance pretty soon, you guys wanna join? We’re gonna do it. ALBERT With that band? Oh yeah. (calling out) I just wanna point out that all your instruments were made for another purpose! ANGLE ON THE BAND. There’s a washtub bass, a jug, a comb, spoons, a pie plate banjo, etc. ANNA I’m surprised no one’s playing the soap. EDWARD Oh, soap can be beautiful when it’s played correctly. The band finishes their song. Maher) steps up.
The M.C. (played by Bill
M.C. So did you hear about this new phonograph thing? Apparently they’ve come up with this new machine where you can play recorded sound right in your own home. (MORE)
84. M.C. (CONT'D) So you can be right in your living room and hear Beethoven’s ninth, you can listen Mozart’s Marriage of Figaro, or you can hear Tchaikovsky suck a dick. This gets a laugh. M.C. (CONT’D) Okay, let’s all line up for the sweethearts dance! Anna grabs Albert’s arm. ANNA Come on, let’s go. They head for the dance floor. Foy and Louise. Well.
On the way, they bump into
FOY Hello there, sheepie.
ALBERT Hello, Foy. Hi Louise. LOUISE (wary) Hi, Albert. FOY Tomorrow’s a big day, isn’t it? Care for a last dance? ALBERT Yeah, we were gonna join in. Foy smiles and walks toward the stage with Louise. M.C. And now to serenade us for the sweethearts dance, our very own Marcus Thornton! A curly-haired man with a big moustache and beard steps up to the stage. Foy approaches him, and whispers something. Marcus smiles and nods. All the couples line up for the sweethearts dance. ALBERT Ready for terrible, weird, stiff traditional frontier dancing?
85. Anna laughs. The band begins playing as the couples begin the terrible, weird, stiff frontier dance. SINGER OH ALL OF YOU POOR SINGLE MEN / DON’T EVER GIVE UP IN DESPAIR / FOR THERE’S ALWAYS A CHANCE WHILE THERE’S LIFE / TO CAPTURE THE HEARTS OF THE FAIR / NO MATTER WHAT MAY BE YOUR AGE / YOU ALWAYS MAY CUT A FINE DASH / YOU WILL SUIT ALL THE GIRLS TO A HAIR / IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! Throughout all of this, Foy glares smugly at Albert, occasionally stroking his moustache in rhythm to the music. SINGER (CONT’D) NO MATTER FOR MANNERS OR STYLE / NO MATTER FOR BIRTH OR FOR FAME / ALL THESE USED TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO / WITH YOUNG LADIES CHANGING THEIR NAME / THERE’S NO REASON NOW TO DESPOND / OR GO AND DO ANYTHING RASH / FOR YOU’LL DO THOUGH YOU CAN’T RAISE A CENT / IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE. By now the choreography has become bizarre and absurd. SINGER (CONT’D) YOUR HEAD MAY BE THICK AS A BLOCK / AND EMPTY AS ANY FOOTBALL / YOUR EYES MAY BE GREEN AS THE GRASS / YOUR HEART MAY BE HARD AS A WALL / BUT TAKE THE ADVICE THAT I GIVE / YOU’LL SOON GET AFFECTION AND CASH / AND YOU’LL BE ALL THE RAGE WITH THE GIRLS / IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! BIG MOUSTACHE! THICK MOUSTACHE! MY MOUSTACHE! YOUR MOUSTACHE! SAY THE WORD, THE WORD MOUSTACHE! NOW THAT I HAVE SAID MOUSTACHE, I WANT YOU TO SAY MOUSTACHE!
86. CROWD A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! SINGER NOW WE BOTH HAVE SAID MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! IF YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! ALBERT Fuckin’ asshole. ANNA Hey, whaddaya say I steal a bottle of whiskey and we hit the road. ALBERT I love that idea. Anna smiles and walks over to the bar. stride, she addresses the bartender...
Without breaking
ANNA Your dick’s out. ...and swipes a whiskey bottle and two glasses off the bar as he looks down. She sets them down on a nearby table. She then pulls a small paper pouch out of her dress, and empties a white powder into one of the glasses. She strides over to another table, where Foy and Louise sit. ANNA (CONT’D) Hey, Albert and I are gonna split. But I just wanted to wish you good luck tomorrow. FOY (coldly) Thank you. ANNA So, I guess it’s weird knowing that a woman can outshoot you, but fifty cents says I can outdrink you too. FOY That. I can promise you is impossible. She holds up the two glasses, carefully obscuring the white powder with her hand. She pours some whiskey into the tainted glass, and passes it to him. She pours the other glass for herself, and raises it. He does the same.
87. ANNA One, two, three. They down their drinks.
Foy finishes first.
ANNA (CONT’D) (with put-on disappointment) Shit. FOY Don’t feel bad. Alcohol isn’t good for a woman’s constitution anyway. Guess not. stupid.
ANNA Oh well.
Do I feel
She puts fifty cents on the table, and walks away. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT Lewis is asleep in his cell, snoring. The sheriff approaches with a tin plate of bread and beans. He draws his gun, and unlocks the cell door. SHERIFF Suppertime, you lazy prick. Lewis continues snoring. SHERIFF (CONT’D) (under breath) Goddamn waste of lungs. The sheriff places the plate on the floor next to Lewis. He looks down for just a moment... and that’s when Lewis makes his move. His arm shoots out and bashes the sheriff on the head with one fist. The sheriff is stunned, and before he an regain his wits, Lewis is on him. They struggle, the gun flies out of the sheriff’s hand, and Lewis smashes the sheriff’s head against the wall repeatedly. The sheriff slumps to the floor, dead. Lewis puts the sheriff’s body on the cot, covers it with the blanket, and puts his own hat on top. He grabs the sheriff’s gun and runs out. EXT. ALBERT’S FARM - NIGHT Albert and Anna sit on the fence, watching the sheep. Plugger dozes nearby.
88. ALBERT I have that goddamn moustache song stuck in my head. ANNA Just think of another song. ALBERT I can’t, there’s only like three songs. ANNA That’s true, and they’re all by Stephen Foster. (meh) Yeah.
ALBERT
ANNA You like his music? ALBERT (glancing down at fence) I dunno, I’m on the fence about it. ANNA Wow, now I hope you get shot tomorrow. Albert laughs, then: ALBERT Listen, whatever happens tomorrow... I just wanna thank you. And... this may be the booze or your pep talk of both, but... I think I can do it. I can beat him. ANNA Like I said, you’ll be fine. And you sound a lot more confident than the guy who pulled me out of the saloon not too long ago. ALBERT Y’know... I still don’t know anything about you. And I feel like every time I ask, you change the subject.
89. ANNA There’s really not much to tell. I guess all you really need to know is that I hate the West as much as you do. For my own reasons. ALBERT Well then... He pours two shots. ALBERT (CONT’D) Fuck the West. ANNA Fuck the West! They clink glasses and drink. ANNA (CONT’D) Hey, how ‘bout this: let’s see how many shitty things about the frontier we can think of, and when one of us says one, the other person has to drink. ALBERT Oh, this is not a good idea. ANNA Come on, it’ll be fun. ALBERT No, I can’t-- I-- when I drink too much, it doesn’t shit well. ANNA Doesn’t sit well. ALBERT No, shit. It causes horrible shits. The morning after I drink too much, and I sit down to go to the bathroom, it feels like a madman trying to punch his way outta my asshole. Anna squirts bourbon through her nose as she laughs. ALBERT (CONT’D) That’s what happens, right there. I need at least half the Old Testament in the john with me, that’s how long it takes. (MORE)
90. ALBERT (CONT’D) Ironically, it usually settles down by the time I get to the part in Leviticus where it says “no butt stuff.” ANNA Oh my God! Okay, just shut up, I’ll go first. Um... stagecoach rides. Oh, Jesus.
ALBERT
ANNA The only way any of us can travel long distance is by riding along as secondary cargo to the mail. Drink. Albert reluctantly drinks. Go.
ANNA (CONT’D)
ALBERT Okay, ah-- and the whole time you’re surrounded by packages full of weird smelly candles made from whale sperm, and if it rains, you’ll probably die. She drinks. ANNA Whale sperm candles and perfume that smells like animal fat with a pine cone in it, which must be delivered on time. He drinks. ALBERT Yes, as the wealthiest man in a town where many people die of starvation, I am gonna be very upset if my brass clock in a glass dome case is delayed for any reason. She laughs and drinks.
91. ANNA I hope my box of aggressivelypatterned, easily-broken folding fans arrives before summer. He laughs and drinks. ALBERT I sure hope that package contains the six items I somehow require to hold up my pants. She laughs and drinks. ANNA And I hope my iron stove that will require twelve people to bring to my house, three of whom will die on the way, arrives before winter. He laughs and drinks. ALBERT Fuck-- okay, you win! puke.
I’m gonna
ANNA Don’t puke, you’ll die from it. ALBERT Ooh, before I forget-- (calling off) Bridget! Come here, Bridget! (makes sheep noise) Bridget the sheep walks up with a tray strapped to her back. On it is a small wrapped gift. ANNA (amused) What’s this? ALBERT Ah, it’s... just a little something to say thanks. She opens the gift, revealing a framed photograph of a cowboy with a big smile on his face. ANNA Holy shit!! ALBERT I know, right?
92. ANNA He’s smiling! In the picture! ALBERT I know, I bought it off a peddler who was passing through town last week. ANNA This is the guy I heard about! I can’t even believe this exists. ALBERT Yeah, and apparently he’s not insane. Bullshit.
ANNA
ALBERT That’s what the guy told me. ANNA It takes thirty seconds to take a photograph. He would’ve had to smile for thirty sustained seconds. ALBERT I know, I’ve never been happy for thirty seconds in a row in my life. ANNA It’s the West, no one has. gotta be insane. Mm.
He’s
ALBERT
ANNA Albert, this was really sweet of you. ALBERT Ah, it was the least I could do. There is a beat. They look at one another... and Albert leans in. They kiss. Oh.
ALBERT (CONT’D)
ANNA Um... yeah.
93.
I’m sorry. that. It’s okay.
ALBERT I shouldn’t have done ANNA
ALBERT I-- you’ve been a good friend to me, that’s all. ANNA It’s really okay. ALBERT Plus I’ve just had a shitload of whiskey. ANNA (laughs) Me too, I know. It’s fine. should probably go anyway. Yeah.
I... I
ALBERT I’ll take you home.
EXT./ESTAB. FOY’S HOUSE - NIGHT INT. FOY’S BEDROOM - SAME Foy lies in bed with Louise. LOUISE You can’t call it off? FOY Of course not! coward.
I’d be branded a
LOUISE But he’s not a bad guy, Foy. I mean, he’s kind of a schmuck and he’s not successful like you, but he doesn’t deserve to be shot. FOY Louise, my decision is final. do it. LOUISE But I’m tired.
Now
94.
Louise.
FOY
She sighs, and starts to suck the end of his moustache. breathes heavily as he reaches one hand down under the covers, and begins to jerk himself off.
He
FOY (CONT’D) (softly) Mmm... my social stature is significant. I’m an important man. I have my own business. People envy me. Suddenly his eyes snap open, and he scrambles out of bed. LOUISE What’s wrong? Foy? He races out of the room. EXT. FOY’S PROPERTY - NIGHT Foy runs across the yard to his outhouse. He slams the door. From inside, we hear the sounds of violent diarrhea. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT Anna and Albert ride up, and get off their horses. to him. ANNA Good luck tomorrow. Thanks...
She turns
I’ll be there.
ALBERT
They look at each other for a moment. ANNA Good night. She kisses him. There is a rattle at their feet. ANGLE ON a rattlesnake coiled on the ground. Anna and Albert freeze, mid-kiss. ANNA (CONT’D) Is it a copperhead? Yeahp.
ALBERT
95.
Oh shit. Yeahp.
ANNA ALBERT
ANNA Well, this is interesting. ALBERT Yeah, give it a sec, it’ll go away. ANNA Eh, let it stick around a bit. ALBERT Oh, you scandalous woman. ANNA Be careful, I’m wanted for rape in three counties. Albert laughs, which makes the rattler shake its rattle. ALBERT (freezing up again) Ah, shit! Sorry! Sorry! ANGLE ON a shadowy figure watching from nearby. The figure steps momentarily out of the shadows, revealing that it’s Lewis. He has been observing everything... EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP - NIGHT TURNS TO DAY EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP HOTEL INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING Anna finishes dressing for the day. She adjusts her clothes in the full-length mirror, and turns to leave the room, patting Plugger on the head as she goes. She opens the door... and finds herself face-to-face with Clinch. CLINCH Hi, sweetheart.
96. EXT. MAIN STREET - MORNING Albert stands in the street, waiting. The townsfolk (including Edward, Ruth, and Louise) line the street on either side, just as they did the last time. Albert looks around for Anna, but doesn’t see her. He mouths “Where’s Anna?” To Edward. Edward shrugs. After a beat, Foy approaches, looking sick and sweaty, and takes his position opposite Albert. FOY Well now. I didn’t think you’d show, sheepie. ALBERT Um... yeah. Listen Foy, you-Foy suddenly gestures for Albert to hold on. Foy clutches his stomach, and runs over to the side of the street. He hunches forward in pain for a beat, then grabs a hat off a man’s head. He pulls down his pants, and shits into the hat. He gets back up, and steadies himself for a beat. He realizes there’s more diarrhea on the way. He weakly reaches for another man’s hat. The second man gently backs away. Foy reaches weakly for an awkward, extended beat. Finally, with a last burst of energy, he grabs the man’s hat and shits in it. He pulls up his pants, and resumes his position opposite Albert. ALBERT (CONT’D) All... all done? I’m ready.
FOY
Albert nods, puts both hands on his belt... and unclasps it, letting his guns fall to the ground. Foy stares, utterly confused. ALBERT Foy... she’s all yours. The crowd murmurs, confused. ALBERT (CONT’D) Louise, you’re so beautiful, and I really do care about you, but... somewhere along the line, I forgot that a relationship is a two-way street. And I’ve been reminded recently of what it’s like to have someone care about me. And I like it. (MORE)
97. ALBERT (CONT’D) So, if you wanna spend the rest of your life with a pussy full of hair, I say go with God and best of luck to you. Albert leaves his guns on the ground, and walks away. a beat, he walks back out into the street.
After
ALBERT (CONT’D) I just realized, that joke may not have been clear. I didn’t mean that she has a hairy pussy, I meant that Foy has a moustache, so... she gets hair in her... when he... goes down there. Albert stands there for a beat, makes a double pistol gesture, then jogs away awkwardly. I got it.
RANDOM COWBOY
INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER We hear Albert knocking on the door. Anna!
ALBERT (O.S.)
He opens the door... but she’s not there. No sign of her. He hurries back out.
He looks around.
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY The crowd has broken up. runs over to them. Hey guys! No.
Albert spots Edward and Ruth, and
ALBERT Have you seen Anna? EDWARD
RUTH No, not since last night at the barn dance. Huh.
ALBERT
RUTH Albert... it’s her, isn’t it?
98. ALBERT (smiling meaningfully) Yeah. It’s her. RUTH You love her. ALBERT Yeah. And what’s even better is, I think she might love me back. EDWARD Oh, that is so great. she’s so neat.
I think
ALBERT So nobody’s seen her, huh? RUTH You should ask the sheriff. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Albert enters, and looks around. No sign of the sheriff. He looks over at the cell, and sees the body “sleeping” there. Thinking it’s Lewis, he walks out. INT. SALOON - MOMENTS LATER Albert enters. Edward and Ruth are seated at a table. Albert approaches them. Coward.
COWBOY AT TABLE
ALBERT Thank you. (to Edward and Ruth) The sheriff’s not there. EDWARD Albert, I’m sure she’s fine. ALBERT She said she be there this morning. She wouldn’t just not show up. EDWARD Do you think you guys will have sex? ALBERT I... I dunno, maybe at some point.
99. EDWARD Well, when you do, maybe let’s make it like an all-us-friends thing. Like, we all get like, in sync. Sexually. RUTH Eddie, we’re not having sex. EDWARD Sorry, I know, I’m such a scumbag. The sound of approaching hooves is heard outside. They all turn and look. Two or three locals hurry into the saloon, terrified. Everyone stares as a dark figure steps through the saloon doors. It’s Clinch. Everyone freezes in terror. EDWARD (CONT’D) (nervous, under breath) Clinch Leatherwood... Clinch scans the room for a beat. ALBERT Great. Another thing that can kill us. I-- we should all just wear coffins as clothes. Clinch takes a few steps into the room. in.
His gang follows him
CLINCH Someone in this town is gonna die. (beat) My boy Lewis here broke outta your little tin box jail last night... and he saw a man kissing my wife. I want to know who it was. Jesus...
EDWARD
ALBERT Yeah, someone’s gonna get fuuuucked uuuuup... A beat of silence. CLINCH You seem like good people. And good people know better than to take what isn’t theirs. And this...
100. Lewis steps inside, roughly pulling Anna in by the elbow. CLINCH (CONT’D) ...this is mine. Albert stares in shock. Anna looks around silently with nervous resignation. She briefly makes eye contact with Albert, but then avoids his gaze. Edward and Ruth look at Albert, stunned. ALBERT Oh my god... CLINCH Now I’m gonna ask again. been with my wife? No one answers. customer. Who?
Who’s
Clinch points his gun at the nearest saloon CLINCH (CONT’D)
CUSTOMER (frozen, panicked) I... I dunno. Clinch shoots the man in the knee.
Everyone looks stunned.
CLINCH You make sure he gets this message: either he meets me in the thoroughfare at noon tomorrow... or I start killing people. Clinch and his gang exit, taking Anna with them. Albert one last glance as she’s taken out. EXT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS Clinch and his gang gallop away. INT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS RUTH Jesus, Albert, you gotta get outta here! If he finds out-ALBERT I know, I know! Listen, I’ll... I’ll contact you guys, okay?
She gives
101. EDWARD Good luck, Al. Thanks.
ALBERT
He gives Edward a handshake, then bolts to his feet and races toward the door. RUTH He’ll be okay, right? EDWARD I think so, he’s a smart guy. (then) Is this like the longest week ever or what? EXT. PRAIRIE - MOMENTS LATER Albert races across the prairie on his horse. EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PRAIRIE - DAY Clinch rides up with his gang. Plugger tags along. gets off his horse, and pulls Anna off with him.
Clinch
CLINCH (to Lewis) There’s an abandoned sod house back around that bend. We’ll stash the gold there. Take the boys and set up camp. I need some alone time with my wife. LEWIS Will do, Clinch.
C’mon, boys!
Lewis throws Anna a nasty smile as he and the boys gallop away. Clinch approaches Anna, and backhands her across the face. Plugger barks angrily. CLINCH Who is it, you whore? ANNA Mark Twain. CLINCH (beat, genuine) It is?
102. ANNA No. Jesus, how fucking stupid are you? Clinch’s expression darkens, and he points his pistol at her head. Who.
CLINCH
ANNA You’d hate him. You guys have nothing in common. He’s a man. Plugger runs up and starts licking Anna’s hand. Clinch looks down, pauses, and aims the gun at Plugger’s smiling, oblivious head. Anna suddenly looks much less self-assured. Clinch sees this and smiles darkly. CLINCH Either you give me his name, or ol’ Plugger here gets a plug in his head. Anna is silent, but clearly torn. Albert.
Clinch cocks the pistol.
ANNA Albert Stark.
Clinch smiles and lowers the gun. CLINCH That’s much better. Clinch turns around and walks toward his horse. CLINCH (CONT’D) I’ve missed you, darling. He removes his gun belt and puts it on his horse. following, he begins to take off his clothes.
Over the
CLINCH (CONT’D) I’ve missed you a lot. But now we got time. We got time to be husband and wife. The proper way. By now, he has removed his vest, hat, and is in the midst of pulling his pants down. Anna grabs a rock, and bashes him on the back of the head. Clinch falls on his stomach, unconscious, with his bare ass exposed. Anna starts to get up on Clinch’s horse to make her escape, but pauses.
103. ANNA (to Plugger) (sighs) I can’t just leave him like this. She considers for a beat, then walks over and picks a nearby flower. She sticks it in his ass crack with the bloom facing up. She gets on his horse and gallops away. EXT. EDWARD’S SHOE REPAIR - DAY Edward is nailing a sign to his door that reads “CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE”. Other local businessmen are doing the same. Ruth approaches. RUTH
Eddie?
EDWARD Oh hi sweetheart. RUTH Eddie, I’ve been thinking. With Clinch Leatherwood in town, and with everyone so scared, I... it’s got me wondering. EDWARD What is it? RUTH I... well, any of us could die tomorrow. I mean, we don’t know what’s gonna happen. And... I think we should have sex. EDWARD
What?
RUTH I think we should have sex tonight. (beat) Okay. Yeah? Yeah.
EDWARD
RUTH EDWARD Let’s.
104. RUTH God’ll forgive us. EDWARD I think so. We’ll make sure there’s a Bible in the room so it’s like God can watch, and--ahhh I’m getting excited now! EXT. ALBERT’S FARM - DAY INT. ALBERT’S HOUSE - SAME Albert is hastily packing a bag. We hear hooves approaching. He looks up, and runs to the window. He looks out, revealing Anna approaching. Albert grimaces and goes back to his packing. After a moment, there’s a knock on the door. ANNA (O.S.)
Albert! He doesn’t answer. Albert!
Anna lets herself in. ANNA (CONT’D) You gotta get outta here!
ALBERT Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing. ANNA No I mean, you have to leave now! Clinch is gonna find you! ALBERT Yeah, I’m leaving. I’m going to San Francisco. Which is what I shoulda done weeks ago. I’m sorry.
ANNA
ALBERT Yeah well, so am I. ANNA What about your dad? ALBERT I asked him if he wanted to come, and he said no. He’s out back burying himself next to mom.
105. ANNA Look... I never meant to-ALBERT Oh, don’t even waste my time with that. You had a million opportunities to tell me. And you just fucking lied. ANNA I didn’t lie. ALBERT Okay, fine. You know what? don’t care. ANNA I couldn’t tell you. your own safety.
I
It was for
ALBERT Oh, bullshit. ANNA That, and... I liked you. A lot. I didn’t want to scare you away. I just... never thought I’d meet someone like you. ALBERT What, a non-murderer? There are a whole shitload of us, Anna! ANNA It’s not my fault! I didn’t know, okay?! We were married when I was nine! ALBERT What?! Nine?! Jesus Christ, how does that even happen?! Was there a ceremony?! ANNA Yeah, my parents were there, a couple of neighbors. I just didn’t wanna wind up like one of those fifteen year-old spinsters. ALBERT Well y’know, I shouldn’t be surprised. Every girl I fall in love with ends up disappointing me.
106. ANNA (beat) You love me? ALBERT Oh don’t worry, not anymore. You’re safe. ANNA All right! Yes, I lied! Fine! What should I have said? Oh hi, I’m Anna. I’ve been fucking a killer since I was ten. ALBERT Oh he waited a year. gentleman.
What a
ANNA Well late nine, I rounded up. Look, I’m done with him. I knocked him out and stuck a daisy in his asshole. What?
ALBERT
ANNA That’s how much you mean to me. ALBERT You know what? I loved a girl who doesn’t even exist. Is your name even Anna? Or is it something terrible like Gwendolyn? ANNA No, It’s Anna. I’m the girl you loved. That was the real me. Possibly for the first time in my life. I guess maybe you’re the first person I haven’t lied to. Look, I never thought I could fall for the good guy. I did. I love you. ALBERT Sorry. I’m not gonna get fucked over again. The sheep begin bleating outside.
Albert runs to the window.
ALBERT (CONT’D) Someone’s coming.
107. ANNA It’s Clinch. ALBERT Go on, get outta here. There’s a trail out back that leads out to the ridge. Go. ANNA What are you gonna do?! ALBERT Don’t worry about me, just go. ANNA He’ll kill you! ALBERT Go, I’ll be okay!
Go!
Anna hurries back to the door, and starts to exit. She pauses to look at Albert one last time, then runs out. EXT. ALBERT’S FARM Anna jumps on her horse and rides away up the back trail. Albert looks out the window nervously at Clinch’s approaching gang, and then ducks out of sight. ANGLE ON Clinch and his gang as they gallop up to Albert’s farm. They dismount, and approach the house. INT. ALBERT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Clinch kicks the door open. He and his men enter, and begin violently searching the house. After a beat, Ben comes out of the back. BEN He’s not here, Clinch. Clinch notices the half-packed bag on the table. EXT. ALBERT’S FARM Clinch emerges and looks around darkly. Stark! No answer. the area.
CLINCH
Clinch slowly draws his gun and continues to scan
108. CLINCH (CONT’D) I know you’re here, Stark. No response. ANGLE ON the sheep. They graze lazily. Suddenly, and for the briefest instant, we see the top of Albert’s head pop up from the center of the flock, then duck back down again. Clinch and his men continue to search. Lewis stares at the sheep for a beat, then looks elsewhere. ANGLE ON Albert hunched over inside the flock. From his POV, we see Curtis (his horse) standing nearby. He grabs the wool of the two sheep on either side on him, and starts pulling them toward Curtis. WIDER ANGLE - We see a small satellite flock of sheep (10 or so) break off from the larger flock and slowly move toward Curtis. ANGLE ON Albert inside the smaller group of sheep. ALBERT (whispering) Come on! Come on guys! The flock gets closer to Curtis. Lewis observes the smaller flock and suspiciously moves toward it. Albert hears the footsteps and drops to his stomach. From Lewis’ point of view, Albert cannot be seen. Lewis stares for a beat. Inside the flock, Albert remains frozen. He glances up at the underside of one of the sheep, and sees its sheep penis twitching a bit. ALBERT (CONT’D) (softly) Oh no. Oh please no... The sheep begins to urinate on Albert’s face. Albert just lies there and takes it with an agonized look on his face. Eventually, Lewis moves away. Albert pokes his head out, and sees his chance. He makes a break for it, and jumps on Curtis’ back. Curtis gallops away. LEWIS (spotting Albert) Clinch! Clinch and the gang all turn and see him galloping away. They sprint for their horses, and gallop off in pursuit. ALBERT (to Curtis) I never make you go fast, buddy. Give it to me today. We follow the chase as Clinch and his gang pursue Albert across the prairie at top speed. They’re gaining a bit. now the sun is setting, creating a spectacular backdrop.
By
109. ALBERT (CONT’D) Curtis, you outrun these guys, and I’m gonna take you to a horse whorehouse. You’ll get so much horse pussy. The chase continues until Albert reaches the railroad. A train is approaching, and Albert crosses the tracks at the perfect moment. When Clinch and his gang catch up, they’re forced to wait for the train to pass. This gives Albert the lead he needs to escape. Clinch and his gang angrily give up the chase. EXT. PRAIRIE - NIGHT Albert comes to a stop in the moonlight.
He gets off Curtis.
ALBERT I can’t believe it. We did it. We actually got away. Curtis, that was exceptional. As soon as we’re outta this, I’m gonna find you some horse whores, you’re gonna get so laid. Curtis snorts. ALBERT (CONT’D) I could even get you a cow if you want. If you wanted to fuck a cow, if that’s your thing. You seem like a sexually adventurous guy. WIDER ANGLE ON Albert and Curtis: We see them from someone’s POV. It’s clear they are being watched. A shadowy figure runs through frame for just an instant. ALBERT (CONT’D) Now. How the fuck do you make a fire? We hear a “whoosh” as if something is whizzing through the air, and Albert is knocked unconscious by a hatchet-like club. After a beat, a group of Apache Indians emerge from the darkness, and approach his unconscious body. EXT. ESTAB - EDWARD’S SHOE REPAIR - NIGHT We pan up above the shoe repair shop to Edward’s living area above.
110. INT. EDWARD’S LIVING SPACE - SAME Edward sits on his bed in his underwear. front of him. Okay.
as Ruth stands in
EDWARD Here we go.
RUTH Are you excited? I am.
EDWARD I’m really pumped.
Me too.
RUTH
EDWARD This is gonna be my first vagina. RUTH You’ve never seen one? EDWARD Yeah, I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something. Yeah?
RUTH
EDWARD --to celebrate. RUTH Yeah, I’m actually a little nervous. EDWARD And you’re a prostitute. I know! Yup!
RUTH Okay, ready? EDWARD
Ruth drops her underwear. ANGLE ON Edward, whose smile disappears. There’s a beat of silence. What? Um...
RUTH EDWARD
111. RUTH What’s wrong? EDWARD It’s... that, right there, right? Yeah. Huh.
RUTH EDWARD
RUTH This, right here. EDWARD It’s... I... wow, I don’t... I don’t get it. RUTH You don’t like it? EDWARD No, I-- it’s just-- weird. It’s a weird thing. It’s like... someone wrapped a firecracker in roast beef. RUTH Well yeah, but there’s a lot more to it. She opens it up. EDWARD Oh!! Oh dear!! Oh my Jesus Mary and Joseph. RUTH No, Eddie, it’s supposed to be like this. It is?
EDWARD
RUTH Yeah-- well maybe not exactly like this, but listen, it’ll feel good. For both of us. EDWARD Golly, I’m sorta glad I didn’t have that piece of cake.
112. Over the following, Ruth gets into bed with him and shuts off the light. RUTH Eddie, trust me, it’s okay. EDWARD Oh, boy. Okay, easy now, I’m-OKAY. Oh. Okay. Okay, I see. Yeah, now I get it. ‘Cause of the warm and the soft and-- yeah. Yes, okay, yeah God would want this. Suddenly, there’s a hard pounding on the door. RUTH What the hell? Ruth scrambles off Edward, and hurries to the door. opens it, revealing Anna. Anna?
She
RUTH (CONT’D)
ANNA (urgently) Ruth, can I come in? RUTH Um... yeah sure. Edward sits up awkwardly. Um, hi.
EDWARD
ANNA Oh, hi Edward. EDWARD Don’t come over here, I don’t want you to see my penis. Anna runs to the window and looks out. Clinch rides up the street. Clinch looks around, searching. He glances up at the open window briefly. Anna shuts it quickly. ANNA Clinch is out there!
113. EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS We see a hand smash the window of the shoe repair shop. inside, we see a silhouette reach in and open the door.
From
INT. EDWARD’S LIVING SPACE - MOMENTS LATER We hear footsteps getting nearer. RUTH He’s coming up the stairs! INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS We see a pair of boots walking up the stairs and approaching the door. INT. EDWARD’S LIVING SPACE The door is kicked open, and a man stands backlit in the doorway. EXT. EDWARD’S SHOE REPAIR - CONTINUOUS We see Anna hanging from the window outside. She drops to the ground below. After landing, she turns to run... and finds herself face-to-face with Clinch. INT. EDWARD’S LIVING SPACE - CONTINUOUS The silhouetted figure steps into the room, revealing that it is in fact Lewis. He reacts to something O.S. ANGLE ON Edward and Ruth, having sex. EDWARD (to Lewis) Please don’t shoot us on sex night. Lewis exits. EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - LATER THAT NIGHT ANGLE close on Albert’s face. He groggily opens his eyes. We pull back to reveal he is tied to a post, surrounded by stacked firewood and kindling. An entire tribe of Apache Indians is staring at him.
114. Two Apache warriors approach him, holding torches. And facing Albert is the infamous Apache Indian chief COCHISE. COCHISE Caheca nici sica oyate, la mni kte itkon ntawa. SUBTITLE: “Because your people are such huge assholes, I am going to light you on fire.” The two warriors with torches move toward the pyre, and start to light it. ALBERT Ayustankiya! SUBTITLE: “Stop!” The tribe gasps, shocked that Albert can speak their language. The chief tells the torch holders to back away. Cochise approaches Albert. COCHISE Tokelkeltu, econpicaka niye sicit’e, picasni iya Lakota? SUBTITLE: “How is it that you, an asshole, have the power to speak our language?” ALBERT Miye okibliheca, sicit’e tan’atayela. Uman wasicun iwahtelasni mis. Nahan miye wasicun, miye ece. Caheca eciyatanhan lehantanhan, miye yawa woowapi, iapi woicaje tokaiapi, nanglawakel icat’a ayuco. SUBTITLE: “I am a nerd asshole. Since the other white assholes do not like me, even though I am one of their own, I have always kept to myself. Therefore, I have read many books, know many languages and am good at math.” Another Apache speaks up from the crowd. OTHER APACHE Koyela, tokelkeltu 27 (wikcemna nunpa ake sakowin) hecakici-on i ciyuota 89 (wikcemna salogan ake napciyunka)? SUBTITLE: “Quick, what is 27 times 89?”
115. ALBERT Opawinge wikcemna kin nunpa sam opawinge topa sam yamni. SUBTITLE: “2,403.” The other Apache nods his head toward Cochise, satisfied. COCHISE Lila wa?te kun?itku kin gnaka SUBTITLE: “Why are you out here?” ALBERT Na?un kin un wole yunkan wasna wan SUBTITLE: “Please untie me, and I will tell you.” COCHISE Mahel yuha kin hok?ila kin hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le SUBTITLE: “Well, he speaks our language, which means there’s no reason not to trust him.” EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - LATER THAT NIGHT Albert sits around a campfire with the Apache tribe. finishing telling his story.
He is
ALBERT He?e? hok?ila wan kun?itku ki?ila??i ti ?ke. Yunkan anpetu wan el kun?itku kin. SUBTITLE: “And after I escaped in my sheep, I got on my horse and rode like the wind, and the next thing I remember was waking up in your camp. And now I have no idea what to do.” COCHISE Wan taku ya?o?a-han ?a na?un keye. SUBTITLE: “I will show you the way.” Cochise nods ceremoniously to another Apache. A cactus bowl full of liquid is passed around until it gets to the Cochise. Cochise takes a sip, then passes it to Albert. Albert looks very nervous. ALBERT ?eya? he winu??ala kin woyute SUBTITLE: “What is it?”
116. COCHISE Wan kun?itku SUBTITLE: “Your path.” ALBERT Yunkan anpetu SUBTITLE: “I’ll freak out, I know it.” COCHISE Hitunkala wan taku ya? SUBTITLE: “You won’t freak out, I swear.” ALBERT O?a-han ?a na?un keye. winu??ala kin woyute SUBTITLE: “You don’t know me. sensitive to drugs.”
?eya? he
I’m serious, I’m very
COCHISE Hok?ila wan SUBTITLE: “Nerd.” OTHER APACHES Hok?ila wan/hok?ila wan/hok?ila wan SUBTITLE: “Nerd!/Dork!/Tool!” He?he?
ALBERT
SUBTITLE: “Fine.” Albert drinks the whole bowl in one slug. out. APACHES Kun?itku ki?ila??i ti ?ke. anpetu SUBTITLE: “He drank the whole bowl!” ALBERT Wan el kun?itku kin SUBTITLE: “What?” COCHISE Kun?itku ki?ila??i ti ?ke
The Apaches freak
Yunkan
117. SUBTITLE: “You drank the whole bowl!” ALBERT Ti ?ke hu?kila solye mahe yu SUBTITLE: “Oh shit.
Oh shit, is that bad?”
COCHISE Hok?ila kin hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le SUBTITLE: “That was for the entire tribe.” COCHISE (CONT’D) Mahel yuha kin hok?ila kin hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le SUBTITLE: “You’re totally gonna freak out and probably die. Good luck.” On Albert’s totally freaked-out expression, the camera begins to swirl and sway, and then Albert’s trip begins: EXT. BLACK SPACE - X PULL OUT from Albert’s face to reveal that he is poking out of a giant walnut hovering in black, empty space. He looks terrified as we continue to widen, revealing that the walnut is one of several planets in one of those metal mechanical Kepler models of the solar system (Mysterium cosmographicum). There is a small poof of an explosion, which gives birth to an expanding and beautifully-colored dust and gas cloud like the photos you see from the Hubble telescope. Then there is another, and another... until Albert is totally surrounded by these beautiful dust clouds. He stares in awe. A dark shadow passes overhead. ANGLE ON a massive, approaching black hole sucking up everything in its path. Albert tries to escape, but he’s sucked in too. He is propelled violently through a wormhole-esque tunnel, which eventually spits him out into... EXT. SANDY DESERT - DAY Albert lands in the middle of a desolate, dune-filled desert landscape. He staggers to his feet, and looks around. He is all alone. Then suddenly, from the sky he hears a shriek. A giant black eagle descends from the sky, making straight for him. It has fangs and glowing green eyes, and wears a brilliantly polished silver chest plate.. Albert screams and runs as fast as he can. He runs over the edge of a steep embankment, tumbling down toward a frozen pond.
118. He crashes through the ice, into the icy water. When he resurfaces and climbs out of the water, he finds himself in... EXT. ARCTIC LANDSCAPE - DAY Albert stands in the midst of a snow-covered Arctic wilderness that is inexplicably peppered with palm trees that have bright, multicolored fronds. In a small clearing stands a wooden cabin. Albert walks inside... INT. CABIN - SAME There is nothing inside but an armchair. Albert cautiously sits down. The room shimmers, and suddenly it becomes a comfortable frontier home with a roaring fire. Anna sits in an opposite armchair, stitching a pillow. She smiles at Albert. There is a cup of coffee next to Albert on a little table. He picks it up to take a sip, but pauses as he looks into the cup. The coffee begins to swirl, and the camera zooms into it. ANGLE ON Albert’s face as he finds himself lying on an unfamiliar surface. We WIDEN as he scrambles to his feet, revealing that he is in a hot air balloon... EXT. A CANOPY OF TREES - X The hot-air balloon drifts among lush green foliage. Albert looks down, and the tree trunks descend below as far as the eye can see. The balloon now has a wide-eyed face on it, with a big moustache. BALLOON (singing, echoey, dreamlike) BALLOON MOUSTACHE, BALLOON MOUSTACHE... Suddenly, the giant black eagle swoops in from overhead and makes a dive at Albert. It tears his balloon with its talons. The balloon plummets a long way, and gets snagged on a branch. Albert looks down to see that the forest floor is made entirely of blazing fire. The flames race up the trunks of the trees, and envelop the balloon and the screen... INT. MASSIVE UNDERGROUND CAVERN - X Albert frantically tries to brush the flames off of him, then realizes they’re gone, and he’s standing in a vast cave. He looks around, hearing creepy sounds from the darkness.
119. He tries to move, but looks down to see that his feet are encased in the stone floor. A mountain lion emerges from the darkness, and slowly stalks toward him in a predatory fashion. Suddenly, a giant anchor crashes through the ceiling of the cave and hits the floor, shattering the rock and freeing Albert. He scrambles up the chain just as the mountain lion reaches him, jumping ferociously. Albert climbs toward an opening in the cave’s ceiling, emerging in... EXT. A MASSIVELY EXPANSIVE LAWN - DAY He looks around, seeing no one. Suddenly, he’s hit in the head with a badminton shuttlecock. He looks over to see Anna waving to him. She’s dressed in Victorian badminton garb, and stands on one side of a net. She tosses him a racquet. He approaches the net, when suddenly the black eagle swoops in out of nowhere, and knocks him to the ground. The eagle swings around for another pass. Albert sees it coming, and looks down at his hip. There’s a six-shooter holstered there. He pulls it out, and aims it straight at the eagle. He fires and hits, but the eagle keeps coming. Just as it reaches him, Albert winds up and kicks the eagle in the balls as hard as he can. The eagle tumbles trough the air, and lands with a hard thud. EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND -
NIGHT
The thud causes Albert to snap out of it with a start. Cochise and the rest of the tribe are staring at him. COCHISE He?e? hok?ila wan kun?itku SUBTITLE: “Did you shoot the black eagle and kick it in the balls?” ALBERT Ki?ila??i ti ?ke. SUBTITLE: “Yes.
Yunkan anpetu
How do you know that?”
COCHISE Wan el kun?itku kin. SUBTITLE: “It means you are ready.” EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - MORNING Albert stands with the Apaches as he bids them farewell.
120. ALBERT Opawinge wikcemna kin nunpa sam opawinge topa sam yamni. SUBTITLE: “Thank you for everything, chief Cochise. know what I would’ve done without you.”
I don’t
COCHISE Mahel yuha kin hok?ila kin hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le. SUBTITLE: “There is an ancient proverb among my people: Sometimes the only way for a man to discover his true path is to take drugs in a group.” ALBERT O?a-han ?a na?un keye. winu??ala kin woyute
?eya? he
SUBTITLE: “Thank you for letting me take drugs with you. know what I have to do now.”
I
Albert mounts up, waves goodbye, and rides away back toward Old Stump. EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - NOON Clinch drags Anna out into the middle of main street, with a gun to her throat. Townsfolk look on, horrified. He stops in the middle of the street. CLINCH All right, sweetheart. Now we’re gonna find out whether your little boyfriend gives a fuck about you. He’s got... (checks pocketwatch) six minutes til noon. If he doesn’t show, he’s gonna be picking up pieces of you all over the street. (beat) STARK!! Nothing. There is a long, tense moment as the townsfolk watch in agonized silence. A stray sheep bleats amongst them. Then, after an extended beat, we hear distant hooves approaching. They grow louder, until at last Albert rides into frame up the street. He comes to a stop. On Anna’s face we see a mixture of happiness and fear. ALBERT Let her go, Clinch.
121. CLINCH (to Anna) Well now. True love conquers all, doesn’t it, sweetheart. ALBERT (dismounting) Let her go, and let’s you and I settle this like rational adults. Clinch laughs, and shoves Anna over to Lewis, who holds her. ANNA Albert, get the hell outta here! Don’t be stupid! CLINCH Too late for that. He’s already been real stupid, haven’t you, Stark? You’ve been with my wife. ALBERT Well, I mean, we haven’t done it, if that makes a difference. Clinch puts one hand on his gun. ALBERT (CONT’D) But, what I was thinking is that we could sorta talk this out, ‘cause I mean, relationships are constantly evolving, and people break up with people, and I mean just the fact that we’re having this conversation means that there were probably problems in your marriage long before I came along, I mean I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a therapist-Clinch cocks and aims his gun at Albert’s head. ALBERT (CONT’D) Okay, okay! Here’s-- this is my idea. You’re a pretty tough guy, right? Well, why don’t you prove it? You and me. Gunfight. Right here, right now. CLINCH (laughs) You really do have a death wish, don’t you?
122. ALBERT But, let’s make it interesting. One bullet apiece. One for you, one for me. What?
CLINCH
ALBERT Yeah. Empty all your bullets but one. Unless you think you need more than one to kill me. Clinch glares momentarily, then slowly empties his gun of all its bullets but one. Albert does the same. ALBERT (CONT’D) Okay. On the count of three, we shoot. Clinch nods. ALBERT (CONT’D) One... two... Albert fires at Clinch. has hit him in the arm.
Clinch looks down to see that Albert
CLINCH (laughs) I been playing cards a long time, and I’ve never seen such a bad gamble, Stark. Where’d you learn to shoot? Your wife.
ALBERT
The townsfolk “ooh” as if to say “he got you.” expression darkens, and he raises his gun.
Clinch’s
ALBERT (CONT’D) Look, just... before you shoot me, grant me a few last words. Please? Clinch keeps the gun trained on him, but does not fire yet. ALBERT (CONT’D) Just promise me one thing. Let Anna live. She didn’t kiss me, I kissed her. So it’s really my fault. I mean, she didn’t tell me she was married, so it’s kinda her fault too, I guess, so... (MORE)
123. ALBERT (CONT’D) yeah, actually that’s true. So, maybe just shoot her in the arm? That’s seems fair, right? Anna makes a “what the fuck” face. ALBERT (CONT’D) Also, my grandparents were Arabic, so if you’ll indulge my religious beliefs: immediately before death, I’m required by Muslim tradition to recite the Islamic death chant. This’ll only take a moment. (Begins warbling Arabic nonsense) Over the previous Albert speech, Clinch has blinked a few times more than usual, and broken out into a sweat. Now, he looks visibly unsteady. CLINCH’S POV: We see that Albert is blurry. CLINCH What the... what the fuck... ALBERT Whatsa matter, Clinch? feelin’ well?
You not
Clinch tries to steady himself. He shoots once, but misses Albert by a mile. He tries to shoot again, but the gun falls out of his hand. CLINCH What the fuck is happening to me?! He can no longer stay on his feet.
He sits down.
ALBERT You know, there’s a million ways to die in the West, Clinch. Disease, famine, exposure, gunfights... and wild animals. You know, like snakes. And you don’t even have to get bitten, all you gotta do is get the venom into your system and you’re screwed. EXT. INDIAN CAMPGROUND - MORNING (FLASHBACK) Over the following dialogue, we see one of the Apaches catching a snake from the rear, and bringing it over to Albert. Albert holds out an open bullet, and the Indian manipulates the snake’s head in such a fashion as to “milk” venom from its fangs, and carefully drip it into the bullet.
124. ALBERT (V.O.) For example, a certain amount copperhead venom drained into a bullet, and you really only need one shot. I knew my aim wasn’t good enough to hit you anywhere important, but if I caught you by surprise... well, Anna taught me enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a little bit of copperhead venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he’s-EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) Albert. did it.
RUTH Albert.
He’s dead.
You
ANGLE ON CLINCH, who is dead on the ground with foam coming out of his mouth. ALBERT
Oh. Yeah.
RUTH
ALBERT Did he hear all the smart stuff that I did? RUTH No, I don’t think so. Oh.
Okay.
ALBERT It’s still good though.
Anna elbows Lewis hard in the gut, and frees herself. She runs O.S. toward Albert. Various townsfolk train their guns on Lewis, and on the rest of Clinch’s gang. Anna runs to Albert and throws her arms around him, kissing him. ANNA Not bad, sheepboy.
Not bad at all.
ALBERT Sorry I killed your husband. ANNA Oh, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. He’s Methodist and I’m half Jewish.
125. ALBERT Yeah he-- are you?
You are?
ANNA
No.
ALBERT (relieved) Oh. Haha! Thank God. ANNA You’re not really Arabic-No!
ALBERT Oh my god, kill me!
Hahaha!
Louise approaches. LOUISE Hey, Albert. ALBERT Oh hey, Louise. LOUISE Listen, um... if you wanna... talk about things, I’d like that. I could come by your place later on tonight. ALBERT (beat) I can’t, Louise. I really need to work on myself. But thank you for your interest. Albert takes Anna’s hand and walks away, leaving a disillusioned Louise behind. As they walk: ANNA You shot Clinch Leatherwood. The deadliest gunman on the frontier. There’s probably gonna be reward money. Huh.
ALBERT Didn’t think about that.
ANNA So, what’re you gonna do?
126. EXT. ALBERT’S FARM - DAY CLOSE ANGLE ON Albert and Anna. They smile at each other, and kiss. As they continue to kiss, we PULL BACK to reveal they are standing in the center of a massive, massive sheep herd. We continue to pull back, and see that the herd stretches as far as the eye can see... and we FADE OUT.
