(N.B. Some people have dubbed this description 'Boot Camp', although I would stress that this was not the author's choice of title). ____________________________________________________________
Beginner’s Guide to Leadership and Submission By Jacqueline.
My husband is not my Master. I am not required to address him by any “title”. He does not consider my opinions, ideas, suggestions or thoughts any less valuable than his own. I am not interested in having my day to day activities micro-managed by him. Nor do I wish to be instructed by him on what I can think, say or wear. Again, my husband is not my Master. My husband, however, does have full authority over me. I do, occasionally, address him as “Sir” as a show of my respect for that authority. My husband does have the final say when I express ideas, make suggestions or have opinions or thoughts on a subject that are in direct contrast to his own and a decision has to be made on that subject. I am desperate for his guidance, leadership and correction when my activities, behavior or attitude disrupts the harmony in our home, family or relationship. I have agreed that HE retains full authority in our home and relationship. I have also consented to his use of discipline (physical and otherwise) should I challenge that authority by word, action or deed. Further, I have consented to his use of discipline to make me accountable for behaviors or attitudes that could prove harmful to myself or others. In short, my husband can choose to discipline me for those reasons or as a tool to help me improve myself or my disposition. I trust his ability to use his authority intelligently, lovingly and with the best interests of me and our relationship foremost in his mind. Without that complete trust, this lifestyle would be impossible. There are many who would question my choice and ridicule my consent to be disciplined. I hardly blame them. It’s a difficult concept to wrap your mind around.
My husband and I are both intelligent, educated people. We both have and appreciate the other’s sense of humor. We are both capable of making informed decisions and/or choices as to what is in the best interest of ourselves, our home and our relationship. So why would an intelligent, educated and capable women choose to shift the balance of power away from her and to the man she married? Why not share the power and, especially in this century, maintain the equality hard fought by our sisters in past decades? My husband and I are also both capable of intelligently and safely operating an automobile. But only one of us can actually drive the car at any given time. We could share the driving duties fairly and equally and that would work out quite well until one of us didn’t feel like driving when it was their turn. Or when we both wanted to drive at the same time. Or, worse, when not only did we both want to drive but we had entirely different destinations in mind. So, as that intelligent, educated woman I asked myself, is that “power struggle” worth the negative effect it would have on the relationship? Would the arguments, heat of the moment ill-spoken words and bad feelings be conducive to the vows I made to love, honor and respect the man I chose to partner with for life? It seems like a simple choice to me. Am I as capable as he is to lead our home? Possibly. Probably. However, my respect and love for him dictates that I sit in the front seat on the passenger’s side. (If for no other reason than as a show of love and respect). My trust in him dictates the natural choice to hand him the power to maintain that decision from me. It’s in my best interest. It’s in his and, most certainly, in the best interest of our marriage. Theoretically it was simple to make the decision at the outset of the journey. My husband drives and I take my seat beside him. It isn’t something I’m always happy to do. The manner in which he “drives” isn’t always something I enjoy or agree with. I imagine he feels the same way at times. Still, defining and agreeing on who leads from the beginning negates the probability of arguments and hurt feelings. Ultimately, that “decision made” is all that is necessary to override temporary and situational discontent for either one of us. Bottom line, the ride is smoother.
My husband is not my Master. He is the Head of our Household and I willingly submit to his authority as such. Well….I try to anyway. As we journeyed into our Head of Household/Domestic Discipline lifestyle we quickly learned that “theory” and “practice” are two entirely separate things. Knowing HOH/DD was the best way to insure the harmony and growth of our marriage didn’t necessarily make it any easier for me (or him) to consistently maintain the roles we adopted. Submission to my husband’s authority and will did not come easily for me and a few months into our “new” lifestyle we discovered that there was a whole lot more to HOH/DD than my submitting to my husband’s authority and to his discretion when it came to employing discipline. Even when we both knew it was for the greater good. My driving desire was to be a devoted wife in all ways. My desire was to please my husband, simplify his life, reduce his stress and safeguard his commitment to me. Unfortunately, if one can’t just choose to submit to one man in all ways one day and transform into that role overnight. It’s easy to agree to disagree when the final choice or decision is yours….not so much when it’s someone else’s. There were two hurdles we couldn’t find a successful way to navigate around: my inability to consistently, unquestionably, submit and my husband’s inability, or reluctance, to consistently exercise his authority. For me, physical submission is relatively simple. It’s a basic choice of whether or not I will physically obey him. Whether ‘obeying” him means to “stop talking” when a discussion becomes heated or to bend over his knee for a spanking when he deems it necessary. But "physical obedience" and "submission" do not necessarily mean the same thing, especially when the physical obedience is accomplished by sheer force of will as opposed to compliance of heart and mind. For my husband, constant and consistent exercise of his authority in all things came with its own difficulties. He is, by nature, a kind and patient man. He is much more likely to give me the benefit of the doubt than to lay down the “law”. He found himself reluctant to say
‘no’ to me, after all, his desires mirrored mine in that he wanted to please me, simplify my life, reduce my stress and safeguard my commitment to him. Choosing to make a decision I was opposed to or, when it came to it, taking me over his knee for a spanking he knew was necessary, was not an easy thing for him to do. His enforcement of his authority, in essence, being the “Boss” came naturally but with a price. The “price” being the nagging doubts that he was, perhaps, acting inconsiderately or, at worst, too harshly. The doubts had to be removed for both of us. Submission for me would evolve if I had no reason to “doubt” not only his authority and his motivation but all doubt about whether or not I would consistently be held accountable to my role. His role as Head of the Household and the exercise of authority that goes along with that role would evolve if he consistently saw the positive results of such actions. So we came up with a theory: I needed to get to the place where my physical submission was no longer self-enforced but came simply as a response or a reaction to my husband’s decisions. Mental and emotional submission would be the natural evolution from there. My husband’s ability to hand down those decisions consistently and with unquestionable finality would become second nature for him as he became accustomed to expecting obedience and witnessing submission. His ability to discipline me without “guilt” would then just become his natural response to my non-submissive behaviors as well as my natural expectation of accountability. Another great theory on paper but how do we get there? The answer turned out to be incredibly simple, especially for two intelligent educated people. We concluded, after many discussions, that it was obvious that the ability to lead effectively was, for the most part, a learned behavior. However “natural” that characteristic is in someone, only experience and practice hones it. Once we were in agreement in that, it was less than a “leap” to realize that submissive behavior followed the same principal. We had the theory now we needed the action plan. How do we “learn” our roles without suspending the HOH/DD lifestyle to do it?
Only my husband could define what “submission” meant to him. For if my submission didn’t meet his needs and expectations where was the value in it? So logic would dictate that I could only be “taught” to submit by him, the man I unconditionally respect, love and trust above all others. The very process of his “instruction” would provide him with the experience and “practice” that would instill in him the consistency necessary to effectively lead our home. Our “plan” was even more simplistic from there, perhaps too simple for some people so here’s the disclaimer: This plan worked for us. I don’t advocate or encourage another’s use of it without careful, thoughtful and extensive discussion between the couple who chooses to try it. There is most certainly so much more to the deeper aspects of emotional submission than I will write of here. The remainder of this essay is simply about how my husband and I grew into our respective roles through the daily and deliberate practice of those roles. So the plan could be viewed as extreme. I certainly consider it to be so. It had to be. For me, I had ideas about what true submission entailed but no real experience to draw from. I had to experience what it felt like to submit didn’t when I didn’t agree with it, didn’t like it or didn't want to. Then I had to figure out how to get my heart and mind in line with my body and sincerely submit under those circumstances. I insisted on and my husband concurred that taking our roles to their extremes was the most direct route to our goal: a positive, natural and productive HOH marriage. The remainder of this essay could be entitled “Basic Training 101”. I’ve maintained throughout this essay that my husband is not my Master and that still holds true. However, as a result of putting our plan into action, an amazing thing happened: I discovered the sheer joy in obedience and the peace and harmony that comes from knowing that my husband is not only pleased with my behavior and attitudes but that he respects and appreciates me for them with a depth he had not before. Further, my admiration for the way he now chooses to exercise and
fulfill his role and the responsibilities that go along with it since I’ve seen how he could choose to do it, has grown along with my respect, love and complete trust in him. Our mutual witness of each other’s roles personified in their extremes humbled both of us and drove home the fact that his leadership and my submission are truly gifts we can only give and receive from each other. It is what makes our marriage unique and our relationship rock solid. So, the “plan” was simple: My husband became my Master. I wonder how many people just went screaming from the room after reading that decidedly BDSM implication? There had to be a few because, in all honesty, for a lot of us who truly engage in the HOH/DD lifestyle, the very suggestion that there may be underlying BDSM tones in that lifestyle is unsettling at best, offensive at worst. I don’t advocate, mainly because I don’t even remotely have an understanding of, the choice to practice BDSM. My perception (emphasize ‘perception’) is that while the two choices (BDSM and DD) possess some similarities they are motivated and personified by entirely separate principles. I consider the BDSM relationship is sexual in nature and, if it is carried over into other areas of the relationship outside of sex, it is still “contrived role playing” as it is rare to find a “Slave” who was actually “purchased” and unable to leave the relationship. To me, the HOH/DD lifestyle is a more sincere adaptation of permanent and consistent roles inside and outside of the bedroom. Both parties have equal value and, while there may be latent or secondary sexual overtones, it is not the focus of the discipline. The use of discipline is a “tool” to correct or improve behavior. I don’t believe that an HOH/DD lifestyle can be engaged in “casually” as a committed and trusting relationship is paramount in the success of the lifestyle. That’s not to say that there are not couples in monogamous and committed BDSM relationships, it’s just to say that I believe that BDSM is “situational” while HOH/DD is an actual lifestyle choice. So, for me, to consider my husband my “Master” was a huge leap. It dictated that I would have no say, could offer no opinions and my
“consent” to his authority and use of discipline would be redundant because the very definition of the word “Master” meant for me that I had no choice but to submit to his authority and use of discipline. Once again I am compelled to point out that these are my perceptions of BDSM vs. DD and are by no means the final words on the subject in general. I believe you need to know where my mindset lies in order to understand why our “plan” worked for us in establishing a solid HOH/DD lifestyle. It’s another reason why advocating our plan in general is not one of my goals in writing this essay. So for those like-minded individuals interested in my sharing of this experience I am compelled to point out that first and foremost, my husband became my “Master” temporarily. We agreed at the start that our “plan” would begin as an “experiment” the duration of which was three weeks. (Statistics indicate that a “habit” takes 21 days to form and that’s what we were attempting to lay the foundation for: the habitual and consistent personification of our roles.) Secondly and more importantly the word “Master” was defined for our purposes as a “state of mind” for me. It was the word I chose to associate with my husband as opposed to HOH during this time in order to help me squelch the “anti-submission” baggage programmed into me over the past four decades. For me, giving my husband that title and abiding by it in the purest sense of the word, allowed me the “freedom” to learn to submit without guilt or distraction or a sense of “betrayal” to my “independent womanhood”. In short: for this plan to work I had to be in a place in my own mind where I just plain submitted to my husband in all things no matter what. Choosing to think of him as “Master” gave me the ability to do that. Responding to my “Master” instead of my husband gave me permission to abandon my will. I wanted to be able to “practice” submission without having to battle the inner demons in place because I was raised in the era of Women’s Rights where “submission” to a man in any form was considered stupidity at best and treason at worst. By firmly removing all the options in my own mind, (as a ‘slave’ to a ‘master’), there was no internal debate when a situation requiring submission arose. I simply didn’t have a choice.
It was a three-week long, 24/7 commitment to submit to constant daily and deliberate situations. My goal was to “practice” submission. That would be impossible to do if I didn’t submit at every opportunity and it would have taken months had there not been deliberate opportunities put in place. So, I fully relinquished my right to argue, oppose, contradict, refuse or question my husband in any manner in which he chose to exercise his authority. His orders were both big and small. They could be “silly” or humbling. There were varying degrees of severity. And I was able to relinquish those rights under those circumstances because I knew it was temporary with the option of becoming permanent. How could we know if this would work in firmly establishing our roles? This plan was almost like a “try-it-at-home30-day-money-back-guarentee” offer. If we ended up hating our roles, what have we lost? We would at least know we did all we could to make the HOH/DD lifestyle a “fit” in our relationship and if it turned out that it wasn’t, we could move forward to the next thing. We both needed to see and know he could lead and that I could follow. My husband loves, respects and admires me. He would never do anything to harm me in any way. Because of that he never once “abused” the power he had over me for the duration. He took to extremes and there were times when I thought submission would be, if not impossible, at least, unlikely. But because of the clear “rules” in place (which I will touch on later in this essay) when we began “Basic Training”, he never wavered and I ultimately learned to submit, to his satisfaction, in all things without having the choice to submit. In the end, I learned that my submission was not only a choice but a gift when the “choice’ was restored. In the same vein, my husband tasted his power. In becoming accustomed to using it deliberately and (oft-times unnecessarily) he learned to use it intelligently and effectively and to exercise his authority with the primary purpose being for the greater good of our relationship. Through that “deliberate practice” of our roles we learned the key to the HOH/DD lifestyle for us: I learned to trust that my husband could and would lead whether I liked it all the time or not.
My husband learned to trust his instincts and came to understand that Adult Consensual Discipline is truly consensual. That even on the occasion when he is “wrong”, my respect for and desire to submit will not waiver as long as his willingness and consistency in exercising his authority doesn’t either. We walked away from our three week experiment with an entirely new perspective and a deeper appreciation for each other and the incredible things our respective roles bring to our relationship. In the days following the end of “training” I realized I thrived on pleasing my husband and he, in turn, began to serve me. He served me by nurturing in himself his own desire to earn my gift of submission through displays of unconditional love for me. He did this by providing me with that which was necessary but also those things that would simply make me happy. We both became more affectionate and attentive to each other. His ‘power’ (and my willingness to submit to it no matter what) humbled him. Which only strengthened my admiration and trust in him. Our marriage blossomed into one of true devotion to each other. The kind other people envy. If he asked me to, I would become, again, his slave in a heartbeat. The “footnote” to this essay is the details. It’s a list of examples of the different types of “orders” my husband gave me for the sole and single purpose of teaching me to submit to him. Admittedly, the majority of the commands were issued for no other reason than to give me the opportunity to practice physical submission but it was an amazingly useful tool for me (and him as he became comfortable in his authoritarian role). I learned to habitually submit to his “orders”. Some of the disciplines he commanded were difficult and humbling but his sheer contentment with me when I obeyed far overshadowed any negativity the discipline could have produced. It wasn’t “easy” by any stretch and I don’t necessarily recommend the use of all (or any) of our methods. It’s simply the details, do with it what you will. The initial "set-up" and mindsets necessary for a "training period": A. The most important thing for the HOH to do is not only to "exert his authority" daily but several times "randomly" throughout the
day and night. One specific point: from the start of the "training period" and consistently throughout it, the HOH can and should issue some orders directly and some of them "casually", (like casually during a meal, or while watching television ). Even calling or emailing her from work to have her "submit" to something. B. He must always use a specific tone of voice and/or address her in a way that cues her in that he is issuing an order. (like using her full name instead of her nickname). FYI: The same tone and manner in which he addresses her (when exerting his authority as HOH) should be carried over into daily life once the training period is over. Recognizing that tone is the easiest habit to learn first and makes the transition into "real life" much smoother. C. The HOH should additionally issue an "order" at least once in the middle of the night and do this at least 3 times a week (but every night for the duration of the training period is better). Again, this acts as a reminder for the wife of who is in control at all times. The HOH can also require she sets an alarm to get up at 4:00 or 5:00am to perform some discipline. (i.e. corner or kneeling time, writing lines, doing a chore/task). D. The HOH should have the mindset that he is issuing orders "because he can" instead of "because she deserves it". Reminding himself that he is teaching her (with her consent) helps remove any "guilt" the HOH may have for issuing random and/or "underserved" disciplines. Following are some suggestions on orders the HOH can issue to teach and/or help his wife practice her submission to him: (fyi: the objective of some of these orders is to humble her): 1.) To start the "training period", the wife should be spanked first thing in the morning or prior to the HOH leaving the house to go to work every morning for the duration of the training period. This can serve as a “Daily Maintenance Spanking” for the duration. The spanking can be a few swats with his belt as he dresses or as
severe as the HOH feels like or has the time and/or desire to administer. Establishing this routine for "training" is especially effective in teaching her that, from the moment she wakes up, the HOH is in control. Whether it's a few swats or not, the swats must be painful and serve as a reminder for her throughout the day. 2.) Corner time and/or Kneeling time. (These are always very specific as to the position she should be in, what she is wearing, how long etc.) Using nipple clamps, restraining or positioning her hands/legs, using rice to kneel on or applying a heating lotion can be added to make it more physically uncomfortable and "a harder lesson" to submit to. The HOH can/should also randomly throughout the weeks "double or triple" this time by ordering her to return for another period of kneeling or back to the corner immediately after she "reports" to him that she has completed her "time". He can/should do this as many times as he wants as his continually forcing her to repeat that discipline for up to several hours is, after all, one of the purposes of this period of time: “practice”. 3.) Placing her into "discipline" position. I.e.: ordering her to lie (exposed) over his knee or to bend over the bed, dresser, table, chair etc. and remain in that position until he releases her. Giving her an actual spanking isn't necessarily required because she's supposed to be "practicing" getting into and staying in position when he tells her to. She should NOT be told the length of time she is to remain in this position but told to remain there until he releases her. 4.) Enforced Nudity. The HOH randomly and often orders his wife to remove some or all of her clothes. This puts her in a "vulnerable state of mind". He can do this either in the course of routine daily life (like while watching tv or having a meal during which he orders his wife to expose herself to him by unbuttoning or take off her shirt or to remove all of her clothes and just remain that way while they go about whatever they were doing until he tells her to re-dress) or as a specific command for her to present herself before him naked, forcing her to stand before him silently until he tells her to re-dress.
If they are alone in the house, he can order her stand or kneel in the middle of the room while HE goes about whatever he was doing. Or, if there are other people being in the house, he requires her to be naked under a robe and then has the option of ordering her to hold the robe open while she stands or kneels before him with her back to the entrance of the room so that the robe can be immediately closed should anyone approach. The HOH can choose to lecture her (about his authority, her required submission, negative behaviors etc) during this time or choose to be silent or to ignore her. The point is her nakedness and the vulnerability it produces in her. 5.) Spankings. (Much like maintenance but solely for the "reason" of because he feels like it and these spankings are NOT in place of “morning maintenance”). 6.) Instructing her to ask for a spanking and requiring her to choose the implement. (Obviously an implement or "type" of spanking that they both know she especially dislikes is the goal here). 7.) Requiring her to address him as "Sir" either at all times for the duration of a discipline. 8.) Requiring her to thank him for any and all discipline whether it was spanking or non-spanking discipline and regardless of whether it was punishment or practice. (#7 and #8 must be clearing established by the HOH at the beginning of the training period if he chooses to employ it for the duration of the training) 9.) Writing lines. They should be specific to a behavior the HOH wants changed/improved. A variation would be to copy (by hand) articles specific to HOH, LDD, submission, etc. or Bible verses, chapters. 10.) Requiring her to ask for permission before she does absolutely anything, i.e.: a) tv/computer time or any type of leisure activity b) when she can to go to bed, shower, eat, smoke, leave the room etc.
(Again, If this is going to be incorporated, the HOH needs to tell her that at the start of the "training period" AND if she does anything (during the duration of the training period) without first getting his express permission to do it, she is punished as severely as if she broke a major rule.) 11.) Ordering back rubs, food prepared and served, his bath run, his clothes laid out etc. 12.) Random on the spot bare bottom swats with or without implements. This type of spanking should be administered randomly (i.e.: during a commercial break if your watching tv, by calling her to the room "out of the blue" or if your both in the kitchen/bathroom etc). The HOH can/should do this whenever it crosses his mind of no matter how often that it. Again, this is a reminder of who is in charge. 13.) Sex on demand (or any variation of sex) 14.) Providing a specific chore or errand (or list of) to be completed out of your presence. i.e.: cleaning the bathroom, washing the floor, cleaning out closets, grocery shopping etc.) If a daily list is provided, adding a “discipline” (i.e.: corner time, writing line etc.) to be performed out of his presence and before he returns home is not only an opportunity to “practice” that discipline but helps to build the trust between the couple. (He learns to trust she WILL do it whether he sees it or not and she learns to honor HIS trust in her). The HOH must interject several of these things into each day. Anything not immediately and unquestionably submitted to is considered blatant disobedience and warrants either a spot and/or full punishment. And, of course, any punishments he deems "necessary" during this training period are still administered but they are in addition to practice not instead of and that she is receiving a punishment, not practice, needs to be made clear. Final Note: Once the training period is over the HOH can retain the option of re-instituting additional training periods in the future. For example, a week, a month or a year later the HOH can decide that his
wife needs a "refresher course" on submission and inform her that they will again enter into another training period. The "refresher courses" can be anywhere from a few days long to a few weeks long, the length of time is completely at the HOH's discretion. Written by Jacqueline August, 2005
