9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life: A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't.

Practical Book Review One: Henry Cloud

By

Jason Locke Student ID: 22899580

Presented to Dr. Max Mills In partial fulfillment of the requirements of Introduction to Pastoral Counseling PACO 500

Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary Lynchburg, VA April 24, 2011

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Cloud, Dr. Henry. 2007. 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life: A Psychologis Psychologistt Learns from from His His Patients Patients What What Really Works and What Doesn't Doesn't . Nashvile: Nashvile: Thomas Thomas Nelson. Nelson. HEY! Summation of Book Dr. Cloud presents a book on nine things that people must do in order to be successful. The success that he describes in this book is not necessarily the way that some would define success. His definition deals more with principles of life and allowing each individual to determine success for them. Dr. Cloud does admit that some of the people that he suggests to emulate are wealthy and have public recognition but as he points out many examples do not (Cloud 2007, 4). He makes the observation that what he was experiencing was “déjà vu” moments that he believed that he had been in this exact position before. In reality though these déjà vu moments were not about people but actions (Ibid.). This discovery that it was a way of action that these people shared in common lead Dr. Cloud to discover what it was that these individuals shared in common. He refers to these people as déjà vu people. His book describes nine principles that people exhibit who are part of this group of people. people. The nine princip principles les are separat separatee chapters chapters that he deals with with each one one by giving giving examples of how the principle is exhibited by déjà vu people. One really great example of this deals with how to hate well that he covers in chapter eight. He outlines a story about a partnership partnership where where his partner partner described described how he hated surprise surprisess (Cloud (Cloud 2007, 2007, 140). He He did



woman named Jodi that had so much hatred for her husband’s lack of action that it was literally destroying their marriage (147-150). Dr. Cloud ends his book with a twelve things that will help one to become the déjà vu person that the book describes. One of the traits that he recommends is that one practice, practice, practice, and fail (243). It is here that true growth can happen. The idea is that with all growth there will be failure the objective is to keep trying to implement the tools necessary to make the pattern desired a habit. YOU! My Reflections This book has for me opened my eyes in so many way that I will find it hard to concentrate on just a couple of areas that particularly had a greater impact on me. One of these areas that I can see myself needing to improve is to become one that pulls the tooth. The ideas that are presented in chapter two have had a great impact on me. It has often been hard for me to move on and leave things that are never going to get any better in the past. One such incident that was difficult for me was the loss of a friend over an investment deal. He had made promises on return for borrowing money from my wife and I. He never made good on his promises in spite of all the attempts that I had made to try and get results. My greatest regret in this is that I did not move on quicker but allowed it to fester in me. I lost a friend but have learned that moving on was the best thing to do. Another concept that I have done is that I like to play fair. In chapter nine Dr. Cloud makes the point that playing fair will destroy every relationship in one’s life (169). Cloud makes the point that in order to have a great relationship it cannot be based upon



because she she is doing doing the same same for me then I have lost the point. point. I am commande commanded d in the scriptures to love my wife (Ephesians 5) and nowhere in there is it conditional upon how she treats me. This is an area that I need to apply to all my relationships and look for areas to not play fair.

LOOK! My Investigation In reading this book there were several times that I had the distinct notion that I had been looking looking into a mirror and God was was telling telling me that that I needed needed to pay attention. attention. One such such instance came in the chapter seven where the author is describing how the ant was moving one piece of sand at a time but in doing so it was creating an elaborate city (121-122). It reminded me that I often look at projects as mountains and decide that it is not possible to complete them. If I look at them as one piece of sand at a time then they are much easier to accomplish. In chapter eleven the topic of not helping an angry man out unless you plan to do it tomorrow based on Proverbs 19:19 is discussed (226). The part of this discussion that really caught my attention is the idea of supporting someone that will not support themselves. It goes right along with Hawkins concentric circles in that the person that has become the the problem problem has feelings feelings and and emotions emotions that need to be worked on on in order order for them them to relate properly to the family and friends (Hawkins PPT, Week 2). It reminded me of the work that I have done in the county jails and my interaction with inmates; they often fall



that they have responsibility for why they are in the position they are in can be really hard work. The rewards, however, can mean that a person will not return to jail/prison. DO! This book has given several examples of how people can apply these principles and become successf successful. ul. It needs needs to be stated that that this success success will not necessarily necessarily be the the way the the world describes success but will be based upon how the one seeking counseling defines success. Two of the areas that I will incorporate into my life are acting like an ant and being humble. humble. In my my personality personality type type of D/C D/C in public public I can come come off as being very task task oriented and un-relational (DISC Assessment, https://www.uniquelyyou.com/). In terms of the task orientation I will look at things from the idea that taken in small pieces I will accomplish the much larger task in front of me. I also will work on being humble in that it is easy for me to become arrogant at times with the knowledge that I have and thinking that I know more than others. In these respects this book has opened my eyes to see that by working in these two areas to start I will become more successful in my work and public life. In ministry to inmates, this book has given me a tool that I will be able to use to help inmates to break their cycles and get unstuck. I am more equipped now to spot the patterns patterns and the illustrations illustrations have helped helped me to to put real real application application behind behind the counseling counseling.. One of the major tools that this has supplied is getting those that I will counsel in the future to play the movie as described in chapter five. In many cases the people that find themselves incarcerated have not thought through their actions completely. In one example



out the trouble but little decisions that he made placed him in bad situations. In one case he made the decision to hang out at a party that he knew they were serving alcohol to underage people and there were drugs present. Cops were called because of the noise and he was arrested on charges because he was over 21 and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Not realizing it at the time but I was applying the principles in this book by getting Mike to look at the decisions that lead to his arrest and that if he just played the movie he could see that he should not have made the decision to stay at this party. Helping people realize that they can take steps that will allow them to deal with situations that come up and avoid problems is a great way to help inmates and this book has helped to teach me that.

9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life: A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't.

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