7 Self-Esteem Steps

7 Simple Steps to High Self-Esteem By Alicia Fortinberry Featuring strategies from the acclaimed book Creating book Creating Optimism: A Proven, 7Step Program for Overcoming Depression (McGraw-Hill, 2004)

As everyone knows, you have to feel good about yourself before you can have a good relationship, right? Wrong! You can’t have high self-esteem if the people in your life aren’t helping you feel good about yourself. So how do you turn the situation around and begin to create relationships that make you feel like a million dollars instead of a bad penny? The answer lies in seven simple steps. Each of them is doable, although they require determination. The prize, however, is self-confidence, great relationships, and a good shot at success in whatever you attempt. First, let's understand the problem. Low self-esteem begins in childhood and is the result of attitudes and actions of the significant older people in our early life. As adults we choose relationships with people who believe and do the same types of things that made us feel bad about ourselves in the first place. For instance, if we were criticized when we were young, the chances are we'll wind up with a boss, mate or even child who is constantly telling us what we do wrong. And, because we have grown up believing it's OK for people to treat us that way, we allow it. Take the following quiz to find out your present level of self-esteem and at the same time perhaps get you thinking about some of the ways you might have been programmed to feel less than wonderful about yourself.

© Copyright 2003 Uplift Program and Alicia Fo rtinberry. All Rights Reserved.

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Y e s

S o m e t i m e s

N o

Self-Esteem Quiz Note your responses to each of these questions and tally your total score to rate your self esteem. 1.

I feel that no matter what I do, it isn’t quite good enough

0

1

2

2.

I feel my worth lies only in helping others

0

1

2

3.

I feel unlovable

0

1

2

4.

I worry about being wrong

0

1

2

5.

I was criticized as a child

0

1

2

6.

I get left in relationships, or leave before they do

0

1

2

7.

I avoid trying for a better job because I fear I won’t get it

0

1

2

8.

I believe I’m a phony, and that no matter what people say now, they’ll find out sooner or later

0

1

2

9.

People in my school or neighborhood ridiculed me for being different

0

1

2

10.

My parents criticized each other or themselves

0

1

2

11.

My family kept a secret that made me feel ashamed or embarrassed around outsiders

0

1

2

12.

I am uncomfortable in a group of people

0

1

2

13.

I feel awkward asking others for positive feedback

0

1

2

14.

I feel the things I own aren't adequate or up-to-date

0

1

2

15.

I feel unhappy with my body

0

1

2

0-15

Low self-esteem

22-26

Fairly confident

16-21

Lacks confidence

27-30

Great self-esteem


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Step 1: Search for your unconscious beliefs Think about something you really want, like a great relationship or job or home. Is there a sense that you are unworthy, that others can have it but you can’t? Do you find yourself avoiding relationships? Is this because you fear abandonment? Does this belief lead you to play the “I’ll leave you before you leave me” game? Step 2: Identify and externalize negative voices Sarah dropped out of college at 19 because she believed she just couldn’t make it. Later, when she decided to go back to get a degree as an adult, she realized that the “voice” that stopped her from studying was that of her mother, who was constantly calling her “stupid” and “airhead.” She had not only believed her, as all very young children believe the authorities in their lives, she had sought as an adult to make her mother right. Once you identify these internalized voices as originating from someone other than yourself, you can begin to fight them. These voices may seem like yours, but they’re not. They were imposed on you. Did you pop out of the womb exclaiming, “I’m useless!”? Of course not. When Sarah was able to identify the “stupid” voice as her mother’s and not her own, she could externalize it and view it objectively. She realized that what the voice said was a lie. It had nothing to do with Sarah, but a lot to do with her mother’s own lack of self-esteem. With that insight, she found studying easier and got better grades, which further proved to her that she was, in fact, quite bright!


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Step 3: Catch yourself every time you make a self-deprecating remark Do you ever say things like “Oh, silly me!” or “I know this sounds stupid, but...” or “I’m so clumsy!”? Did you know that every time you make a selfcritical remark you are reinforcing negative patterns in your brain? Perhaps we say these things hoping to prevent other people saying them, on the grounds that if we put ourselves down first, they won’t be tempted to. Perhaps we hope someone will contradict us. Whatever the motive, it’s a luxury we can’t afford! Step 4: Don’t accept criticism, even in jest! Jan’s father used to call her mother by “affectionate” nicknames such as “tiny tits” and “fat ass.” The whole family used to laugh at these expressions, including Jan’s mother. It was only when Jan grew up and, through the Uplift Program, began to see the destructive criticism in her own relationships, that she realized how harmful such comments were. Criticism is always about control. It urges us to try harder to please the critic and makes us fear abandonment. After all, who would want us if we are that worthless? Our anxious insecurity makes us easy to control. The only way to stop criticism is to call it, or to leave the critic. But sometimes we have difficulty recognizing criticism. Remember, criticism is an opinion dressed up as fact (“That dress looks awful on you! How could you have such bad fashion sense?”). Good feedback is always stated as a remark about the giver (“I don’t happen to like that color on you”) to which you can easily reply, “Thank you for sharing.” A tip: if you suspect you are being criticized, you might want to say, “I heard that as criticism. Is that the way you meant it?” After all, if you're used to being criticized, perhaps you misheard. Give the other person an opportunity to explain themselves.


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Step 5: Enlist friends, family and colleagues in the process People who have become friends after the Uplift Program often give each other permission to point out self-deprecating comments. A favorite phrase is, “Whose voice is that?” This makes the self-critic realize what she is doing and think about where the negative belief originally came from. Step 6: Ask for praise and acknowledgement Why should you have to ask for praise? If it’s not spontaneous how can it be genuine? Here’s a secret: very few people really know how to give good praise. Like all relationships skills, the art of positive feedback must be learned. In order to counteract the specific negative voices from your childhood you will have to tell people exactly what you want them to praise you for, and when. “I need you to tell me how wonderful I am three times a day” or “I need you to tell me when I’ve done a good job” may seem awkward requests at first, but being that specific is probably the only way it’s going to happen. Step 7: Surround yourself with supportive, affirming people Ultimately, the most important thing you can do to boost and maintain high self-esteem is make sure that all your relationships bring you up not drag you down. The key is to understand what your real, functional relationship needs are, communicate them clearly to others and find out what they need from you. With a bit of negotiating most people are able to develop a set of relationship guidelines that ensures a lasting and powerful bond. But if the other person can't or won't meet needs that are reasonable, appropriate and specific, they may be keeping you from feeling confident and achieving your goals and you


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may choose not to have them in your life. We’ve discovered an amazing secret: even just thinking about your real needs tends to change how you feel about yourself and to draw the people to you who will enhance your self-confidence, happiness and success. So start right now in putting these simple, practical steps into practice. You will see significant results in a very short time--we guarantee it! In our book Creating Optimism we take you through a detailed, proven program to create exactly the kind of relationships in all areas of your life that will enable you to feel best about yourself and give you the confidence to achieve your goals.

Bonus Self-esteem Tip: When someone says something nice about you, write it down as soon as you can. Studies show that the brains of people with low self-esteem tend to filter out or forget information that counters ingrained negative beliefs. Writing down praise will force you to acknowledge and remember your real value.


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Alicia Fortinberry is an award-winning health writer, relationship expert and psychotherapist. Together with her husband and long-term collaborator Dr Bob Murray, she is founder of the highly successful Uplift Program, and author of Creating Optimism: A Proven, 7-Step Program for Overcoming Depression (McGraw-Hill, 2004), and the upcoming Creating Optimism in Your Young Child. They offer seminars, courses and audio-workbooks teaching people how to heal depression and improve self-esteem by creating a healing and supportive relationship environment. For more info visit www.upliftprogram.com.


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7 Self-Esteem Steps

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