5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confdience Dr Aziz Gazipura

“Confidence Building Secrets: You’re About To To Discover Disco ver How To Permanently Break Free From Your Shyness and Self-Doubt!” Yes, Yes, I know this is a bold bold claim. We haven’ haven’t met – so how can can I know you can overcome shyness and create lasting con fidence? How do I know it’s possible for you to dramatically improve your confidence and change your life? Because I’ve seen it. First in my own life, and then in the lives of hundreds of other people. I worked with a man named Tim who was so painfully shy he couldn’t even make eye contact with people. He couldn’t even ask a stranger on the street what time is was. Pursuing the career he wanted, meeting and dating attractive women, and creating a thriving social life... all of these were completely out of the question for him. He didn’t like who he was and his future looked depressing and bleak. I saw Tim go from being horribly stuck s tuck – where he’d he’d been trapped for seven years – to turning everything around in his life. He started small at first, taking baby steps and applying the 5 Steps you’ll you’ll learn below. He began treating himself better, challenging his negative stories, and doing things that scared him. He let go of the unreasonable expectations he had for himself and practiced the skill of self-compassion. In short, he took action to change his life. As he did this, he he realized the most important confidence secret of all – social confidence is a skill. It’s something you can develop through practice. When you know the right steps, building confidence can be an incredibly rapid and enjoyable process.

5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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“Confidence Building Secrets: You’re About To To Discover Disco ver How To Permanently Break Free From Your Shyness and Self-Doubt!” Yes, Yes, I know this is a bold bold claim. We haven’ haven’t met – so how can can I know you can overcome shyness and create lasting con fidence? How do I know it’s possible for you to dramatically improve your confidence and change your life? Because I’ve seen it. First in my own life, and then in the lives of hundreds of other people. I worked with a man named Tim who was so painfully shy he couldn’t even make eye contact with people. He couldn’t even ask a stranger on the street what time is was. Pursuing the career he wanted, meeting and dating attractive women, and creating a thriving social life... all of these were completely out of the question for him. He didn’t like who he was and his future looked depressing and bleak. I saw Tim go from being horribly stuck s tuck – where he’d he’d been trapped for seven years – to turning everything around in his life. He started small at first, taking baby steps and applying the 5 Steps you’ll you’ll learn below. He began treating himself better, challenging his negative stories, and doing things that scared him. He let go of the unreasonable expectations he had for himself and practiced the skill of self-compassion. In short, he took action to change his life. As he did this, he he realized the most important confidence secret of all – social confidence is a skill. It’s something you can develop through practice. When you know the right steps, building confidence can be an incredibly rapid and enjoyable process.


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I watched Tim Tim start doing things he never thought possible. He started smiling at strangers and getting positive responses. He started s tarted initiating conversations with women, and getting getting phone numbers and and dates. He stopped stopped being his own worst critic and took action to pursue the career that inspired him. Now he’s pursuing a graduate degree in optometry, has a thriving social life, and an amazing, beautiful, intelligent girlfriend. And more importantly, importantly, he likes who he is and feels confident in himself. He believes in himself and moves towards what he wants in life. He He got off the the sidelines and into the game. If Tim Tim can do it, anyone can! And I’ve personally witnessed as hundreds of other people just like Tim have changed their lives for the better. But, most people don’t do what Tim did. Most people people stay stuck in a place place of shyness, social anxiety anxiety,, fear, fear, and self-doubt for many years (sometimes their entire lives). Most people think it’s it’s not possible to transform your life. Why Most People Never Create Lasting Confidence Co nfidence

You You downloaded this this book and have made it this far... far... you must want more more confidence in your life. My question for you is – where are you struggling with confidence? Where in your life life are you held back back by shyness, social anxiety, anxiety, self-doubt, or fear? You’ You’ll ll know it immediately immediately because in this area there’ there’ss something you really want, but you feel afraid you won’t be able to get it. Or you may even be telling yourself it’s impossible for you to have it, and you don’t deserve it anyway. Do you lack confidence in the area of dating? Do you struggle to meet attractive women and be yourself around them? Do you see women you’d love to go talk to, but instead you freeze or flee? Are you uncomfortable dating, unsure where to go, what to do, when to try and kiss her? Perhaps your struggle is in relationships. You can date women, but you can’t ever really let your guard down. You can’t just be completely at ease, be comfortable, or be yourself without some nagging fear if she sees the real you, she’ll bolt. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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Maybe your struggles are in your career. career. Do you avoid reaching out and speaking s peaking with coworkers or potential clients? Are you afraid to speak up in meetings or to approach a supervisor about an issue? Do you have difficulty speaking in front of a group of people? In all of these areas, the pattern is the same. ere’s

something you want, something you need that’s important to you, but you don't go after it because of fear. Your quality of life is reduced because you’re not pursuing what you’re passionate about and your life suff ers ers as a result. Maybe your relationship suff ers. ers. Maybe your business suff ers. ers. Maybe you suff er. er. Maybe deep down inside you just don't feel confident in yourself. You You don't believe in in yourself. You You don't even fully fully like yourself. You're struggling to feel like you're a worthwhile man who’s who’s competent, capable, and able to be e ff ective ective in the world. I’m I’m all too familiar with these feelings. I spent a decade of my life stuck in them. In whatever ways it’s holding you back, a lack of con fidence in yourself is a major problem. Because confidence is everything! ink

about it for a second. If you’re confident in yourself, then you take eff ective ective action in your life. You deal with people well, you approach challenges head on. You gain love, respect, income, power, and in fluence. More importantly, you like who you are and you feel a sense of purpose in your life. If you don’t have con fidence in yourself, then you feel self-doubt and social anxiety. anxiety. You You hold back, procrastinate, procrastinate, make excuses, excuses, and delay. delay. You You either take no action, action, or you predict and expect failure and take poor actions that re flect this.


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is leads

to loneliness, poor relationships, mediocrity, mediocrity, and financial hardship. Life feels like a drag and you’re you’re plagued by a sense of meaninglessness. Isn’ Isn’t this true? Maximizing Maximizing your confidence is not just about getting the girl or making more money – it’s about pursuing and creating a life that fills you with passion, joy, joy, and purpose!

Even though it’s absolutely essential essential for a happy life, most people will never create lasting confidence in themselves.

And here’ here’s why… It comes down to just two things. Here are the only two things that can stop you from creating the confidence you want in your life... 1) You Don’t Believe It’s Possible e

biggest obstacle on the road to confidence is the one at the very beginning. Most Most people will never even start down the path because they believe it’s it’s not possible anyway, so why try? e reason you

might think it’s it’s not possible is because of all the “Confidence Myths” in our culture (which I’ll share and de-bunk in a moment). You might believe some people just “have it” and others don’t. You may think there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, or you’ you’re too ugly, ugly, or too overweight to be confident. Perhaps you’ve tried something in the past (a self-help book, an Internet search, or some counseling), and it didn’t work, so now you’ve concluded: It’s just not possible for me. As Henry Ford said...

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”


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If you believe it’s not possible, then you won’t even try… and you’ll never achieve the level of confidence you want in your life.

Fortunately for you (and me), none of this is true. It’s completely possible to transform your level of confidence. After over a decade of personal and professional research (see my story below), I’m absolutely convinced confidence is a skill anyone can learn. And I’ll teach you how in this E-Book. But there’s one other obstacle that will stop you on your path to confidence. In fact, I’m sure it’s already tripped you up when you’ve tried to build your con fidence in the past.

2) You Don’t Take Consistent, Effective Action

Even if you believe it’s possible, if you don’t know what steps to take, then building confidence is incredibly di fficult. is isn’t made any easier by the abundance of bad advice out there telling you how to improve in this area. Most of the stuff out there teaches you clichés and common sense stuff , like “imagine everyone in their underwear before you give a talk,” or “just be yourself.” Or, even worse, they teach you stu ff that seems like it’ll help in the short term but it actually hurts your confidence in the long run. Most of the “pickup artist” stu ff falls into this category. ey’ll teach you things like, “be sure to criticize or mock her in some way so she feels insecure and wants to get your approval,” or “if she won’t make out with you, become cold and distant. Eventually, she’ll come around.” Ugh. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence


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All that pickup artist stuff just gives you another rulebook to live by. It teaches you that you have to be this “suave player” in order to meet women, get dates, and find love. It teaches you the exact opposite things you need to create a deep, lasting sense of confidence in yourself… and the advice is absolutely terrible if you actually want to create a passionate, sustainable relationship with a girlfriend. In order to eliminate shyness and social anxiety and create rock solid con fidence, you must take consistent action. You must learn e ff ective skills that have been proven to work, and then actively apply those skills daily . is

is the key to transformation.

I’ll teach you the proven steps below, but just reading them won’t change your life. In order to create the confidence you want, you must commit to applying what you learn.


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STUCK IN SHYNESS - MY STORY I know what it’s like to be held back by shyness, social anxiety, and self-doubt. I spent about 10 years of my life living this way. I didn’t have many friends, I was nervous to interact with strangers, I hated meeting people, and I avoided most parties and gatherings. I didn’t like myself, hated my appearance, and was constantly berating myself in my own head.

Yep, that s me, pre-confidence. !

ese

at sounded stupid, why did you say that? ese people think you’re an idiot. You look so awkward. ose circles around your eyes are disgusting. No woman could ever want you…

were just a few of the motivating things I said to myself on a daily basis.

Of course, meeting women, going on dates, and getting a girlfriend were completely off the map. I was convinced that no woman could possibly find me attractive. Sure enough, I never went on dates or had a girlfriend. On top of all that, I didn’t believe I was good enough to pursue the career I was most passionate about. I loved creating elaborate models, settings, and animations in a 3D art design program called 3D Studio Max. I dreamed of one day being a 3D ar tist for a video game company. In response to that dream, I would tell myself: You aren’t talented enough. Who do you think you are? Other people are so much better than you are – what’s the point? And public speaking? Ha, yeah right! I couldn’t even look a stranger in the eye, how was I going to get up in front of a group of thirty people and speak confidently? No, I avoided public speaking like the plague. So there I was -- feeling shy, lonely, hopeless, and miserable. Worst of all, I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it.


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I thought some people were just confident, charismatic, and good looking, and others weren’t. In short, I was a loser and this was just my lot in life.

I kept telling myself in my head things would somehow just get better. Maybe that’s how I kept some hope alive. When I was in middle school, I imagined high school would be better. More friends, more women, more parties. Yeah, that’s it. High school’s the ticket! When high school was absolutely no diff erent, I started telling myself college was when the magic was going to happen. Co-eds and parties everywhere! Certainly then I’d start having the life I want. Was college any diff erent? No. Same old fears, shyness, and inhibitions. Same old Aziz. I kept using the “someday will magically be better” strategy for another few years, until one day something inside of me just snapped. I wish I could say it was a glorious moment where I realized the truth and immediately felt free. Actually it came from one of the most painful nights of my life…


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THE TIPPING POINT As soon as I saw the look on her face, I new she was done with me. I’d been pining over Cindy for months. She had long black hair, big brown eyes, and a bright smile she’d flash after making a witty joke. She was from L.A., incredibly stylish, and could speak multiple languages. She was amazing, and I was in love. After several months of working together, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out to lunch one day. To my surprise and delight she said yes! is was the third woman I’d ever asked out. I was 21-yearsold. I thought the lunch was fantastic. I asked her questions, shared about myself, and made jokes. I was friendly, warm, and enthusiastic. Afterwards, I couldn’t wait to see her again. e

next time we met up at work, I was planning on asking her out again. But something had shifted. She interacted with me less and was more distant. After our shift, I waited for her outside of the building. When she came out, I told her I really loved hanging out and wanted to go on a date with her. ere

was a longer-than-what-you’d-hope-for-in-this-kind-of-situation pause, and then a certain look. If you’ve ever been a shy guy who was failing with a girl, then you know the look. It’s the “you’re a nice guy so I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m not that into you” look. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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After the long pause she replied, “Yeah, that sounds great. We should hang out sometime.” After this, she took longer and longer to return my calls and began ignoring me more at work. Ouch. About a week later, I finally got it. She doesn’t want to go out with me. She’s not interested. It felt terrible. I still remember the moment when I really got it. I s aw her chatting with another guy at work. She was laughing and having a great time. I had to get out of there… When I got home that evening, the lights in the living room were o ff . My roommate was in his room with the door closed. I made myself a bowl of pasta and went into my room to distract myself from my woes with some video games. So there I was -- 21-years-old, alone at night, unable to get a date, and playing video games in my room. Feeling pretty low. ings can’t get much worse than this I thought. And then I heard the light murmur of female laughter. Such a sweet sound. It was my roommate Chris’ girlfriend. She must be in his room with him. en

I could hear the mu ffled sound of his voice, occasionally punctuated by the laughter of the woman who loved him. I’ll never have that , I thought to myself.

I guess things could get worse.

I shook my head, trying to clear away that wretched feeling the best years of my life were passing me by & there was nothing I could do about it.

Wait. Wait! is isn’t right. I can’t take this. I can’t live like this anymore. Nothing’s going to change on it’s own. Nothing is going to be di ff erent. If nothing has changed by now, then nothing ever will. I have to do something about this now!

I closed the Warcraft startup screen, and opened up Google… 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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BREAKING FREE - THE PATH OUT OF SHYNESS Where did I go when I wanted to learn how to break free from my shyness and start living my life? e

same place that anyone goes to find answers…the Internet!

ere

I ordered my first self-help program – How To Get Women (or something to that eff ect), by Pickup Artist Guy #1. I tore through that material like a ravenous man eating his first meal after a month. It suggested things I was really uncomfortable doing… like talking to women I didn’t know. Imagine that!

I was so desperate and in so much pain, I was willing to try anything. And that urgency became my biggest asset.

I ordered more programs and began studying shyness and social anxiety more and more. I ordered self-help books on Amazon.com and read those as well. As I started to learn things and apply them, I realized the biggest confidence secret of my life: Social con fi dence is a skill. I’m learning it now. Anyone can learn this! I began sharing what I was learning with my few friends (who also happened to be shy, single, lonely guys). ey started asking me for advice on how to meet women, and how to be more confident in other areas. I became obsessed with learning this skill. Over the next ten years of my life, I read over one hundred self-help books, listened to hundreds of hours of audio programs, and went to dozens of seminars. I sought out therapy, coaching, and a men’s group. I sought out training with some of the world’s leading teachers and transformation specialists, including Tony Robbins and David Burns.


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I took it one step further and actually went to a doctorate program in clinical psychology to learn how people can make changes on the deepest level. Most importantly, I was constantly applying everything I learned about con fidence. Anything that helped me, I shared with friends and clients. As I did this, my life completely transformed. I was able to approach beautiful women, start conversations, and get dates. I was able to meet new people, chat with strangers, and make new friends. I went on crazy, fun, exciting adventures I’ll remember and cherish for the rest of my life. I was able to speak to people in positions of authority and give confident presentations and talks to groups of any size. I felt like Neo in the Matrix! I began to see patterns of what helped someone break out of shyness and what kept them stuck. I could see what people needed to do in order to get free, and do so quickly. And that’s what I’ve included in this book.

Below are the 5 most essential steps you must take in order to break free from shyness & maximize your confidence. If you study these steps, & commit to applying them daily, your life will transform.

But, before you can learn the steps, we have to take a moment to debunk the biggest myths about confidence. ese

are false beliefs that kept me (and many others) stuck in shyness for years.

Once you can see through these, then putting the five steps into practice will be much easier.


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THE FOUR BIGGEST CONFIDENCE MYTHS Confidence myths are the stories we’ve been told about confidence that just aren’t true. Many people believe them -- maybe even most people. But they still aren’t true. And as long as you believe them, it’ll make it very di fficult to break out of your shell. Let’s explore (and debunk) these top confidence myths, shall we? Confidence Myth 1 – “He’s A Natural” (a.k.a. “You Either Have It Or You Don’t”) is

myth says some people are just born with confidence. ey’re comfortable in themselves, have high self-esteem, and people naturally like them. ey’re good looking, popular in school, and go on to have successful careers. ey’re blessed with confidence. Others are just born shy and socially inept. ey’re awkward, weird, and unattractive. ey’re destined to live a life of solitude, mediocrity, and loneliness. ey’re permanently doomed to a pathetically low number of Facebook likes on all their posts. is

myth says confidence is an innate trait (like eye color) and you can’t do much to change things. It says there’s a fundamental diff erence between the confident, popular people and you. It says no matter what you do, you can’t change your lot in life and you’re never going to be the kind of guy who women want to talk to. is

myth is complete and total bullshit.


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No one is born with confidence. Confidence is a learned response. It’s a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, all of which you learn as you’re growing up. Some people happen to learn it earlier than others (if they’re lucky). ey might learn it from their parents or at school when they’re young. By the time they get to high school, they’ve learned how to think, feel, and act con fidently. You, on the other hand, might not have picked it up yet. And that’s okay. You can learn it now. In fact, I’ll teach you how in the next section.

In order to do learn this skill, you must get rid of the idea confident people are somehow different or fundamentally better than you.

ey’re

just like you. ey’re not a diff erent species.

Yeah...not so much.


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Confidence Myth 2 – “Fake It Till You Make It” is

myth states if you aren’t feeling confident, you should just “act confident” and eventually you’ll become confident. On rare occasions, this can sometimes work, but it’s only temporary at best. e

problem with this is, how can you fake con fidence when you’re really nervous?

How do you fake confidence when you don’t have anything to say in a conversation? How do you fake confidence when you’re about to give a talk and your face is as red as a tomato and your throat feels like Darth Vader is squeezing it with his death grip? I found this well-intentioned advice always left me feeling worse. It implied I should somehow be able to just force my way out of shyness and into confidence. When I was unable to do this, I blamed myself for falling short and felt even worse. e

reality is shyness involves a complex pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

You must learn how to address each of these inside of yourself systematically, so you can transform from the inside out. Because con fidence, as you’ll see in the next myth, is an inside job. e

steps below will teach you how to identify and disarm each aspect of social anxiety. en, when you take a risk and try something outside of your comfort zone, you’re doing much more than “faking it.” Instead, you’re fundamentally changing the way you see the world, and behaving diff erently as a result.


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Confidence Myth 3 – “If Only I Had Better/More…” “In this country, you gotta’ make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the women.” - Tony Montana ere’s

an old Simpsons episode where Homer happens upon an upturned sugar truck on the side of the road. ere’s sugar all over the pavement and Homer pulls over to fill his car to the brim with the “white gold,” as he calls it. After many failed attempts to sell the free sugar for profit, he’s reduced to guarding his newfound treasure in the back yard. After staying up all night to protect his pile of sugar from “sugar thiev es,” he’s utterly exhausted. When Marge comes to greet him the next morning, he’s sitting in a half-asleep stupor saying: “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.” is

describes the third confidence myth quite well. is myth states if I earned more money, had a better job, owned a better car, or wore nicer clothes, then I’d feel more confident. It also states if I were better looking, thinner, taller, more muscular, or otherwise more physically attractive, then I’d feel more con fident. is

is a tough one to break free from. It feels so true, doesn’t it? Jim Carey highlights this myth in this hilarious clip about how he acts di ff erently now that he has more money:


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But this is just another con fidence myth. I’ve met absolutely gorgeous women who are impeccably dressed and have perfect hair and teeth. Men who see them can’t help themselves from staring in awe at their beauty. But on the inside, these women feel painfully insecure and self-critical. ey don’t like their thighs, their lips, their toes. ey don’t feel competent in their careers or as partners, friends, or mothers. In short, they don’t feel confident at all. I’ve worked with men who are incredibly wealthy – worth hundreds of millions of dollars. ey can go anywhere, buy anything, and do anything. And they imagine people don’t like them because they aren’t funny enough, or relaxed enough, or witty enough. I hope this is resonating with you. If not, you just have to trust me on this. Confidence is an inside job. It won’t spontaneously emerge when you obtain perfection or reach some income level. Confidence comes from what you do inside of your own mind, and nothing else.


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Confidence Myth 4 – “ ere’s Something Wrong With Me” is

is the most insidious and terrible of all the myths. is is the myth that exists inside of your own mind and tells you deep down there’s something wrong with you. It tells you you’re somehow defective, weird, or otherwise unlovable. It says if people got close to you, and really got to know all of you, they’d be repulsed. is

myth is like Worm Tongue from Lord Of e Rings . It’s constantly there by your side, whispering it’s toxic message into your mind. De-bunking this myth is essential if you ever want to create a life of confidence.

The truth is there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You’re a human being with strengths & weaknesses, just like the rest of us.

When your mind tells you others won’t like you because there’s something wrong with you, it’s just being lazy. e challenges you’re having aren’t due to some mysterious deep flaw or defect. ey’re actually due to very specific, small things you can address and change. Perhaps women don’t respond well because you’re being overly approval-seeking. Perhaps you don’t have the friendships you want because you aren’t taking the initiative to approach people you’re interested in. Perhaps you don’t have the position you want in your company because you avoided all opportunities that involved standing out. ere’s

nothing wrong with you.

Any time you hear your mind saying that, catch it. Banish that slimy bastard Worm Tongue, and bring your attention back to very specific, simple things to which you can address and make changes. at’s where your confidence lies! And now, e 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence...


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STEP 1 - BE A GOOD COACH

“A player’s best friend is a coach who believes in him.” - Robert Griffin III

e

most important and essential ingredient in unleashing your inner con fidence is to become an outstanding coach to yourself. roughout

the day, you’re coaching yourself in your own mind. is includes how you speak to yourself, how you treat yourself, and how you guide yourself through difficult times. You must master this skill if you’d like to become more confident in yourself.

Coaching yourself in a positive, supportive, & encouraging way is more important than any external achievement, success, or outside praise.

To get a sense of how you coach yourself, think about something that's challenging to you. Maybe it’s speaking in front of a group of people you don't know. Perhaps it’s approaching an attractive woman you’re interested in and introducing yourself. Pick a situation that’s a challenge to you, and imagine being in that situation now. See the group of people, or that beautiful woman, and notice what you typically say to yourself. Before you give a talk or presentation you might be thinking: Oh my god, I'm so nervous I can't do this. I'm going to mess this up. I better not mess this up. I'm going to get up there and I'm going to forget my lines. It's going to be so awkward and terrible. ey’re going to wonder why they even hired me. I can’t do this. I don’t want to be here.


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Or maybe you're going to go talk to an attractive woman and you think: I don’t have anything good to say. She’s going to be creeped out and think I’m a total loser. Besides she doesn’t want to talk to me anyways. She’ll be annoyed and uncomfortable if I try to start a conversation. Does this kind of coaching sound familiar? Is this eff ective coaching? Does it make you want to do the thing you’re scared to do? Does it help you find creative solutions?

The Toxic Coach

Unfortunately, for many of us, our default coach doesn’t off er support, encouragement, praise, and inspiration. It’s full of fear, doubt, and self-attack. Is this the kind of coach you’d want to have for your favorite team? Imagine the coach of your team saying this to his players during half time: ose guys are so much better than you are. I don’t see how you could possibly win. You’re so terrible and you miss everything. You guys are just not good enough. Now get out there and don’t mess up. Move over Tom Landry! How’s the team going to perform? It's ridiculous when we think about it in terms of an actual coach and a team. But if you pay attention to how you talk to yourself, you might be surprised to hear this type of coaching all the time. Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and taking a seat next to a table with a father and son. If the father were talking to his son in the same way you talk to yourself in your own mind, you’d be outraged. You’d be appalled if you heard a father telling his son he was stupid, awkward, and not good enough. It would be totally unacceptable. And yet, you might be treating yourself like this on a daily basis. is

is a toxic coach.


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Fire Your Toxic Coach

A toxic coach destroys your inner confidence, no matter how much you achieve externally.

In order to create a lasting sense of con fidence, you must shift how you coach yourself. Before you change your wardrobe, or get a new car, or learn a pick-up line, you must address how you coach yourself, how you speak to yourself. To do this, first start paying attention to how you already coach yourself. For the next week, notice how you talk to yourself. Pay particular attention before you do something that’s scary, or challenging, or uncomfortable for you. is can include meeting new people, going somewhere new, speaking in front of a group, dating, or doing anything where you perform (job interview, presentation, etc.). When you’re feeling down, or tense, or anxious, pay attention to what your coach is saying. Usually he’s giving a lengthy lecture about what’s wrong with you and why you’re not enough. Once you’ve noticed this coach in action, you must choose to change the way you speak to yourself. In order to develop confidence, you must fire your old toxic coach and decide to hire a positive, healthy coach. is is a coach that encourages, inspires, and motivates his team to believe in themselves, step up, take risks, and do their best.

We all need regular and frequent encouragement and support to succeed.


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What would this success look like to you? It might be speaking in front of that group, approaching that woman, or doing something that really challenges and scares you. In order to pull this o ff , you need to be able to encourage and support yourself, before during and afterwards. Regularly ask yourself: What would be the best way to coach myself right now? How could I be a better coach to myself? ink

of good coaches you’ve had. Remember mentors, teachers, and other supportive people who’ve believed in you in your life. Even if you don’t know the person, you can draw upon the guidance of an author, leader, or sports coach you admire. Ask yourself, what would this person say to me?

Coaching Yourself To Confidence

Keep in mind the way you’ve been coaching yourself, this toxic coach, is simply a negative pattern or habit. It might be a habit you’ve had for years, but it’s still just a habit. In order to shift this habit, you can use what’s called overcorrection. is

means you overcorrect, or use the new coaching style way more than you normally would until it becomes conditioned as your new pattern. To do this, actively speak and think the healthy coaching phrases to yourself throughout the entire day. At least ten times a day, notice what you're doing and actively encourage, support and praise yourself. To give this even more impact, you can use your own name. Referring to yourself in the third person actually has a strong impact on your mind. For example, let's say I was going to give a presentation. I’ve spoken hundreds of times in front of groups, and yet I still actively coach myself beforehand with positive, healthy encouragement. I’ll say something like: You got this Aziz. You’re an incredibly e ff ective speaker and communicator. You’re playful, creative, courageous and you help people understand things with great ease.


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You might be thinking this sounds cheesy at first but believe me, it’s incredibly eff ective. Would you rather try something a little cheesy or continue to use the default coach? He might say: You can’t do this. You’re terrible at speaking. No one’s interested. You aren’t good enough. Which would you prefer? Which one is going to help you more? To create a lasting change in your coaching style, you must do it regularly throughout the day. When you get up out of bed without hitting snooze, praise yourself for being disciplined. When you eat something healthy for lunch, you praise yourself for that choice. You can do this in your own mind or out loud. It tends to have more impact and be more powerful when you speak the voice of this coach out loud. Keep your eyes open for when you do something well. A good coach is very skillful at noticing success in his players, and highlighting this so he knows what he’s doing right.

Take Action: Celebrate Your Success! To further strengthen your healthy coach, try this exercise. At the end of each day, sit down with a sheet of paper or a journal and ask yourself: what are three successes from the day, three things you did well in? These can be small and personal successes, or big public successes. Making this practice part of your day will rapidly develop a healthy inner coach that nourishes, supports, strengthens and inspires you.


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STEP 2 - TELL A BETTER STORY

“The only thing that stops you from getting what you truly want in life is the story you have about why you can’t have it.” - Anthony Robbins

Whether you're feeling insecure and nervous, or confident and strong is almost entirely based on the thoughts you’re having about a particular situation, or your story. The fastest & most direct way to change how you feel about a situation or about yourself is to shift the story you’re telling yourself.

e

story that you tell yourself is how you describe what's happening around you and inside of you. It's the way you make meaning out of the events in your life. For example, let’s say you are single and you want to connect with a woman in your life. Imagine you are at the supermarket and you happen to see a gorgeous woman looking at fresh juices in the refrigerated isle. You’ve been practicing some and have gained some courage to follow your desires, so you go and speak with her. She gives you a smile and kind of an awkward grin. It looks more like a grimace to you. She then nods and moves away. It seems like a polite rejection. How are you feeling in this situation? Discouraged, embarrassed, worried, hopeless, angry, humiliated? What I just described is the event. e event does not automatically make you feel anything. How you make sense of the event, or the meaning that you give the event, will determine how you feel. is meaning is your story. And your story determines how you feel. All of us are making stories all of the time, about everything. e quality of story that you make determines how you feel about yourself, your level of confidence, and your level of success in life. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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What would some typical stories be for the event I described above? She rejected me, I was awkward, I was too nervous. I'm a loser, my feet are too big, my pants are too baggy. I got these dark circles around my eyes. My ears are too big. I'm just a loser. I didn’t sound con fi dent enough.

Is this an empowering or a disempowering story? Does it inspire you to want to try again and give it another shot? Or does it make you depressed because you think there’s something wrong with you and there's nothing you can do about it?

If your story tells you there’s nothing you can do about a situation, it’s false. You always have a choice.

Find A New Meaning

To create the lasting confidence you desire, you must learn how to tell a better story. You can learn to tell stories that empower you, encourage you, that see you and your possibilities in a positive light. One way to start shifting the stories you tell yourself is to regularly ask: What’s a better story? What’s a more empowering way to see this? Another powerful way to shift your story is to ask yourself: What else could this mean? What are three other ways to look at this situation? Try this now with the situation of the woman looking at juice in the supermarket. e old story was: she rejected me and I’m a total loser who will never get a woman. e

event was she grinned/grimaced and moved away.

What are three things this could mean? Don't just wait to read the alternatives, actually think about it now!


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The more you can challenge yourself to see alternative stories, the more flexible and empowered you become in your own life.

e

simplest one that comes to mind is she could be having a bad day. She could be tired, hungry, and grumpy. Maybe it's a preference thing. Maybe people who look like you aren’t her preference. Maybe being approached in a supermarket is not her preference. She goes there to shop and leave. If you were to talk to her in a bookstore she might love it, but in a supermarket she doesn’t want to be bothered. A third meaning is perhaps she’s shy. Maybe she's uncomfortable. Maybe some attractive man comes and talks to her and she doesn't know what to do so she gets nervous. What do people do when they're nervous? Most people will close down and escape the situation as quickly as possible. Whenever you notice yourself telling a negative story, you have to check it and ask yourself: Is this story helping me? Is there something else that this could mean? The Story Of Your Life

Beyond your daily stories about events happening around you, you also have a bigger story about who you are in your life. We all have a story about ourselves, where we came from, and the events that shaped us. Where we are now, where we're going, and what is possible for us in the future, often based upon our past. is

broad story is the saga that is your life. What kind of story do you tell yourself about your life? Is it a tragedy, is it a comedy? Is it a hero's journey, an epic tale? Are you the main character, or are you one of the supporting characters? Are you in the main plot of the story or are you on the sidelines? 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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Are you the hero or are you the villain? Are you the character that people love and root for, or are you the good-for-nothing character that can never really do much in their life and won’t amount to much anyway? Take Action: Write a New Story What’s been the story of your life? Who are you? Where have you been and where are you going? What’s possible for you? Are you a capable hero or an ineffective supporting character? Write out a brief version of your old story. Once you’ve written it out, ask yourself: Is this an empowering story? Is this the story that’s going to get me to where I want to go in my life? Is this the story that gives me confidence in myself? Now write out a new story for your life. Make it the story you want your life to follow. Notice how you can use the same events and change the meaning to create a new, empowering story. This isn’t about blowing smoke or just some “positive thinking.” This is about being flexible in your mind to see you can view your life through many lenses, from many perspectives. Why not pick the ones that empower you to succeed? What’s your true story? Is it a triumph? A tale of overcoming great odds and adversity to eventually achieve greatness? Is it a romance? Is it a hero’s journey? Who is the main character? Is he strong, determined, a leader? How does he deal with setbacks, conflict, and challenges? Write out a detailed version of a new story for your life that empowers and inspires you. Read this story over at least once a week until you believe it fully and it just becomes who you naturally are.


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STEP 3 - DO WHAT SCARES YOU “We gain strength, courage, & confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Once you’ve become a good coach to yourself and you’re telling yourself a better story, the most powerful way to unleash confidence is to change how you deal with the things that scare you. When there’s something in your life you’re afraid of, what’s your natural impulse? e

most natural response to fear is to move away, to avoid the thing we’re scared of. It could be approaching a beautiful woman, starting up a business, or asking for a promotion. If we're scared of it, we tend to avoid it. If someone avoids something no matter what the cost, and has unreasonable terror about something it becomes what we call a phobia . If someone were to come to see me to treat them for a spider phobia, we’d do what’s called exposure therapy where we'd help them experience the situation and see they can handle it. We wouldn't take them and just throw them into a spider pit. We’d use systematic desensitization, which means we expose them a little bit at a time so they become desensitized to it. ey don't feel it as much and they're no longer as scared of it. For a spider phobia we’d start by having them think of a spider. e next session we’d work more with imagination, and then eventually we’d have them look at a picture of a spider. e next session we'd have a spider in the room in a cage. Eventually, we'd go to a pet shop and have them hold a spider until it no longer scares them to be around spiders.


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is process works exactly the same when it comes to building con fi dence in your life. Having greater confidence means you’re more free to do what you want in your life. You’re more free to act without being scared.

It’s important to note fear is a natural part of being a human and everyone feels fear. e idea men aren’t supposed to be afraid is a horribly unrealistic and toxic notion.

The goal is not to eradicate all fear. The goal is to be able to go after what you most want, even when fear is telling you to stop.

The Two Fears That Hold You Back ere

are two main fears that hold people back. One is fear of rejection and the other is fear of failure. Both failure and rejection can trigger that terribly uncomfortable feeling in your heart and stomach that you’re bad, you’re not good enough, and that no one could possibly love you. e

idea of not being worthy of love and a ffe ction is terrifying to humans. We’re social creatures and being ousted from the pack meant death in our evolutionary past. Because this feeling is so uncomfortable to us, we’ll do anything to avoid triggering it. As a result, we end up avoiding things that might cause rejection or might cause failure. What happens if you try to avoid all rejection or any failure in your life? You end up avoiding success as well. Anything worth having requires you to take a risk to obtain it. Whether it’s meeting a woman, developing a relationship, going on a job interview, starting a new job, or starting a new business, it always requires you to risk failure and rejection. You must learn to move towards what you want, in spite of fears of rejection and failure.


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Approaching what scares you isn’t a one-time action. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a way of being in the world that continues to strengthen and deepen your confidence in yourself.

If we took that person who was scared of spiders and we plop them down and show them a picture of one spider and then they leave, they’re not cured. ey have to repeatedly expose themselves to what they're scared of. “Too many of us aren’t living our dreams because we’re living our fears. Life takes on a new meaning when you become motivated, set goals, and charge after them in an unstoppable manner.” - Les Brown

Take Action: Face Your Fear Think of one area in your life where you have consistent fear. It could be in meeting women, dating, deepening relationships, speaking up at work, calling clients, speaking in front of a group, or any other area. Write out five things you’re scared to do in this area. Pick the least scary of the five and do it sometime this week. The next week, pick the second least scary thing. Do this over the course of five weeks until you’ve done everything on your list. Use the example of the spider phobia to help you realize exposing yourself to fears is a process. You don’t need to jump into the spider pit right away. In fact, doing that too soon can be counterproductive. The best approach is to gradually challenge yourself to do things that are just outside of your comfort zone.

Note: Exposing yourself to fear is an incredibly powerful tool of transformation. It can also be difficult to do by yourself. If you’re struggling to do this on your own, please contact me and we can discuss ways you can get support in this process (www.SocialConfidenceCenter.com).


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STEP 4 -

THINK LESS, FEEL MORE

“I teach people that no matter what the situation is, no matter how chaotic, no matter how much drama is around you, you can heal by your presence if you just stay within your center.”- Deepak Chopra

One of the biggest obstacles to con fidence is to be too much in your own head. is

means being lost in your thoughts during the day and not really present to what’s happening around you. Many of your thoughts are about things that are going to happen in the future, either later that day or weeks or months in advance. Your thoughts might also linger over events from the past – what happened earlier that day, months ago, or years ago with your last relationship or your first job. Many times, the things we worry about in the future are things that never actually happen. What if I lose my job? What if I run out of money? What if my girlfriend leaves me? Each of these thoughts causes us to react with fear or discomfort, even though in the present nothing bad is happening. As Mark Twain said, "I've been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." We spend a lot of our energy and focus on what could happen in the future and what did happen in the past and how the past should’ve been di ff erent. Resisting the past or being afraid of the future is just a recipe for pain. Retreat To The Tower

Getting lost in thought also happens when we want to avoid feeling something uncomfortable. Emotions like fear, shame, or inferiority can very painful. One way to escape them is to retreat to a safe distance in our minds. It’s like retreating to a tower high above our experience. From here, we can analyze what’s happening and avoid the discomfort. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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You might’ve noticed this when you were in a bar or coff ee shop and you see an attractive woman you want to talk to. But you don’t go talk to her. What do you do instead? You say to yourself: I can't go talk to her. I don't have anything to say. What am I going to say to her? I need to come up with something to say. And so you can spend ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour, or the entire night thinking to yourself, I need something to say. I don't know what I would say. e

whole time you’re in your head. You’re thinking, planning, and imagining all kinds of scenarios. If I say this, she'll say that, and then I'll say this. If I say that, I might get rejected. And if she does this, then I'll get rejected for sure. And so you're in your head the entire night. You're doing this to avoid the fear you're feeling, to avoid rejection, to avoid failure, to avoid any painful emotions. What you’re not doing during this time is noticing you're breathing. You're not feeling the beer you're holding in your hand - the coolness of the liquid and the heaviness of the glass. You're not feeling your toes inside of your shoes. In a sense you’re not fully here, in this moment. ere’s

an abundance of things happening right now. e more present and aware you are, the more centered you become. You can realize this moment isn’t as threatening or scary as your thoughts indicate.

The biggest drain to your confidence is being stuck in your mind, stuck in your head, stuck in your thoughts.

e

more you can notice your thoughts for what they are – passing events in your own mind – the more centered and naturally confident you become. People can feel someone who’s present in themselves and in the moment. ere’s a natural charisma and magnetism that comes from presence. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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Presence In Relationships

In addition to a ffe cting your ability to meet women and start conversations, being stuck in your mind is one of the biggest problems in relationships. One of the most common complaints in relationships women have about the man they're with – their date, their partner, their husband - is that he’s not present. e

man is often confused. He says: What do you mean? I was there with her all day . She says: You were with me but you weren't present. What does she mean by that? She means you were with her that day, but you were in your mind. You were thinking about what you were going to do later, about how to please or impress her. You were worrying about what could go wrong, or if she thought you sounded cool enough. Or you were thinking about something else entirely, lost in a sea of thoughts.

Developing Presence

A deep, sturdy, stable sense of confidence doesn’t come from your thoughts – it comes from being truly present in this moment.

You can start by becoming present in your body using the exercise below. When you’re present in your body, it makes you stronger, firmer, and less impacted by what goes on around you. e

next time you’re in a situation and you notice your mind grinding away on what to say to a woman, take a moment to step back and actually just feel into your body. Notice your breath coming in and out of your body, the weight of your body on your chair. Notice the colors, shapes, and objects around you. Notice all the sounds hitting your ears – the music, the ambient noise, the drum of many chattering voices. Simply breathe and feel your presence in this moment. How present can you become? 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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at's

the level of presence you can bring. And when you're bringing that level of presence, you're radiating an inner con fidence that’s way more powerful than any thought or fear. If you’re truly present in yourself, it goes way beyond the words you say when you speak with a woman. It’s something she feels in direct response to the presence you bring. Ask any woman and she’ll tell you presence is the ultimate aphrodisiac. “Quite simply, if you're feeling anxious, angry, a sense of shame, whatever it is, breathe in and agree to touch or feel it. Breathing out, offer space and care to whatever's there. If there's blocking to touching it, emphasize the in-breath and stay embodied.” - Tara Brach

Take Action: Build Your Presence Power The power of presence comes from being able to reside in this moment. It’s a skill developed over time by paying attention to what’s happening around you and inside of your mind and body. You can build presence power any time throughout the day. Simply shift your attention from your thinking to your breathing. Notice what it feels like to breathe in and breathe out from moment to moment. You can direct your focus by saying to yourself: In this moment I’m breathing in. In this moment I’m breathing out. Continue to feel your breath and start noticing sensations in your body – warmth, tingling, dampness, pressure, tightness. Notice the sounds hitting your hears, seeing if you can count ten distinct, difference sounds as they hit your eardrums. It can be helpful to imagine you’re a distant human ancestor in a jungle. During that time period, presence was essential to survive. See if you can tune your senses to their highest, as if your life depended on it. What colors are you seeing, what objects, what movements? What sounds, smells, tastes or you noticing? Continue this process for several minutes, opening to whatever you notice with a nonjudgmental attitude.


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STEP 5 - REDEFINE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN “This is the tyranny of the ‘shoulds’: the absolute nature of belief, the unbending sense of right and wrong. If you don’t live up to your ‘shoulds’, you judge yourself to be a bad and unworthy person.” - Matthew McKay, PhD

In my years of counseling work, I’ve met so many men who are incredibly strong, talented, attractive, articulate, capable, and e ff ective in their careers and relationships, and yet they don’t feel con fident in themselves. ey don't believe in themselves. ey don't view themselves highly. What’s happening for them is they have an idea or map of how a man is supposed to be. is

list of supposed to’s is like an internal checklist men use to determine if they’re measuring up. If you’re not measuring up to your internal checklist, you feel like a failure, like you’re not enough, and don’t feel confident. Confidence comes from believing in yourself, knowing you have value, knowing you're worthwhile, and knowing you have something to off er. When you don't think you have those things, it’s impossible to feel confident. Many men have it rigged so they can’t feel con fident or good about themselves because how they're supposed to be as a man is unachievable. ese standards are often set by the culture at large and the families we grew up in. A key step in unleashing your natural inner confidence is to examine what you believe you should be as a man. You must remove the unhealthy, unrealistic demands on yourself and replace them with supportive, realistic standards of excellence. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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The Impossible Checklist

To start uncovering your internal checklist, read the following sentences and fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind. Don’t spend too much time thinking about it, just blurt out the answers as they pop into your head. List several for each sentence. A man should always be ____________. A man should never _____________. What answers did your mind come up with? Typically men have a checklist that says a man should always be strong, con fident, tough, smart, cool and calm, suave, and end up on top. A man should never lose, get sick, get rejected, be afraid, cry, fail, give up, be angry, or just want sex. Notice whatever answers came to you. is is your internal checklist, and how you were taught you were supposed to be as a man. Some of these might be healthy values or guidelines to live by. Others, however, are impossible standards and are unattainable. For example, let’s say your list included: I should never get angry, always be cool and calm, and never feel afraid. What happens if you’re feeling afraid, or anxious, or angry? What do you do? You might tell yourself you’re wrong for feeling this way, that you’re no good, that you’re a wimp. You might start hating yourself and want to isolate. You might lash out at those around you because you feel so bad about yourself, or you might take several drinks just to feel a bit better for a while.

Letting Go Of “Shoulds”

What if you didn’t have these demands on yourself? What if you had standards that were reasonable and supported you to be your best? A transformative process I do with many of my clients is to help them uncover and release this rigid internal checklist. is checklist is like a box or cage you believe you have to fit into in order to be a “good” man or worthwhile.


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A deep, sturdy, stable sense of confidence doesn’t come from your thoughts – it comes from being truly present in this moment.

Ask yourself: Does my current checklist seem healthy and obtainable? Does it strengthen me? Does it get me to where I want to go or does it make me feel restricted, unhappy, down on myself, and unsuccessful most of the time? If your current checklist is not serving you, you can consciously choose another way of being. Doing so will improve how you feel about yourself, help you obtain better results in your life, and dramatically increase the amount of con fidence you feel on a day to day basis.

Take Action: Redefine What It Means To Be A Man Take a moment to write out your old list checklist. Make a list of all the ways you’ve been telling yourself you should be or have to be in order to be a good, worthwhile person. Look over the list and cross off anything that’s unrealistic or overly rigid. Ask yourself: What is my definition of a healthy man? Determine for yourself what your standards are going to be. Not what society has told you, not what your dad has told you, but what you truly believe. To me a real man is aware, firm in his commitments, loving, expressive, knows what he’s feeling, has patience with himself, is vulnerable and honest, and is able to speak his mind despite how others might react. Sometimes he feels scared, angry, helpless, or horny. A real man does not attack himself for what he’s feeling. This is my definition. What‘s yours?


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BONUS STEP 6 - COMPLETE SELF-ACCEPTANCE “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” - Mark Twain

If there’s one decision that can radically change your con fidence - and your entire life - it’s deciding to practice complete self-acceptance. When it comes down to it, self-confidence is self-acceptance.

If you’re totally on your own side, your own best friend, your own biggest fan, then it doesn’t really matter if someone rejects you or you fall short of a goal. You know you’re a good guy and you can always try again tomorrow. Over the course of this book, you may have noticed developing con fidence is a skill that takes regular practice. Much like learning the guitar, you must practice regularly if you want to see your skills improve. In fact, the first time you pick up the guitar, you're not even going to be able to hold it, let alone make beautiful music with it. e same goes for developing confidence in an area of your life, whether it's dating, or relationships, or speaking up in public. e first time you try to do something diff erent, it’ll be like playing the guitar for the first time. It may be messy and not sound very good. is’s

why complete self-acceptance is an essential part of unleashing your inner confidence. You must be able to support, love, and encourage yourself along each step of the process. Going at this process alone can be challenging. I highly recommend becoming involved with groups, counseling, coaching, or any other form of personal development as an ongoing part of your life. e counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and coaches I admire most all have done years of their own personal work. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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Conditional Self-Acceptance e

biggest obstacles to accepting yourself are the conditions of worth you have. ese go something like this: If I do ________, then I’m worthy of love and belonging. Otherwise, I won’t accept myself. For example: I'll accept myself if I can give an amazing speech and amaze everyone in the audience. Otherwise I'm a failure and I'm not good enough. I'll accept myself when I lose 20 pounds. I'll accept myself when I'm making $100,000 a year. I'll accept myself when... is

is a conditional type of acceptance and it often leads to not accepting yourself most of the time.

Objections To Complete Self-Acceptance

Wait a minute, you might be saying... But, isn’t that how I motivate myself? If I just accepted myself no matter what, I’d be a lazy slob! Also, what if I’m being a jerk or an asshole, I shouldn’t just accept myself then. ese

objections are very common and worth considering.

First, as far as motivation, withholding acceptance from yourself is like using a whip on a mule. It might make him move, but it certainly doesn’t make him happy. is type of motivation is like using dirty fuel in your car – it’ll run the engine, but it’ll eventually eat out your insides. e

best trainers in the world can get whales to jump through hoops and dogs to push shopping carts through a supermarket. ese incredible feats are done entirely through positive reinforcement. ere’s no beating or intimidating the animal to make it perform. e same holds true for us.


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Healthy coaching and encouragement produce better results and greater fulfillment than any sort of self-attack.

e

second objection is that sometimes we’re being a jerk or an asshole and we need to change what we’re doing. is is absolutely true. We all get into to moods or patterns where we can say hurtful things, avoid taking responsibility, and generally be a dog. e

purpose of complete self-acceptance is to allow us to own up to our misbehavior so we can correct it, without rejecting ourselves. In fact, the less we accept ourselves, the less responsibility we can take because we already don’t like ourselves! e

truth is, the more you accept yourself, the more you can acknowledge mistakes and shortcomings and take e ff ective steps to correcting them.

Making The Decision

If you truly want to create a deep, lasting sense of confidence in yourself, then you must make a decision. You must commit to accepting yourself no matter what happens. No matter what you feel, do, say, or think. Even if you make a mistake, make a fool out of yourself, hurt someone’s feelings, or fall short of a goal. From this decision you commit to accept yourself even if you’re scared, even when you have an awkward interaction, even when you embarrass yourself in front of an audience. Part of this decision is realizing when you make mistakes and fall short is the most important time to remember to accept yourself just as you are. If you attempt to use the five steps above without a commitment to accepting yourself no matter what, you may find your road to confidence is longer and more painful than it needs to be. I know this because that’s the road I took. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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Success Without Fulfillment

Many years ago, I decided I was going to develop confidence in the area of dating and relationships. I was terrified of talking to women and the only girlfriend I had was one that had pursued me. I studied everything I could on the subject and set out to increase my confidence. However, I did so without realizing one key point.

A commitment to complete self-acceptance is absolutely necessary to create deep, lasting confidence.

A commitment to complete self-acceptance is absolutely necessary to create deep, lasting confidence. I learned this lesson the hard way when it came to women and dating. I started from a place of zero confidence in this area. I couldn’t even start a conversation with an attractive woman, let alone ask someone out on a date. I didn’t even know how the whole process worked. I was so fed up by failed attempts with women that always seemed to end in the “friend zone” or the polite rejection after one awkward interaction. I decided to throw myself into studying the process from the inside out. I read everything I could find on dating and relationships. I discussed my challenges in counseling and attended workshops on how to meet women and date. rough this process I realized confidence is a skill I can build through regular practice. is is an amazingly helpful insight, however I didn’t realize one key point: e journey to confidence must be supported by a commitment to accept yourself no matter what. Without this commitment I experienced great success without feeling any di ff erent. As I learned to approach women, get phone numbers, and go on dates I still felt like I wasn’t good enough on the inside. I was always setting new goals just outside of my reach. If I set a goal to go to a crowded shopping center and start three conversations with beautiful women, I would feel like I must achieve this goal or I was a failure. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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Success Without Fulfillment

Worse still, even if I did start three conversations, my mind would say: Yeah, well you didn’t get any phone numbers, so you’re still a loser. It was never enough. It didn’t matter how far I progressed or how well people responded to me, it was never enough because I didn’t accept myself.

is

is success without fulfillment, which is one of the worst forms of pain. What we’re really searching for through outward success is an inner sense of fulfillment, of satisfaction and peace. And the only way to achieve this state is to commit to accepting yourself as you are right now, in this very moment. Once I realized this, I shifted my primary focus from outer success with women to creating a deep acceptance of myself no matter what. I wrote a doctoral disser tation on self-compassion and focused my studies on what helps people accept and love themselves. is is where true confidence resides. As I shifted my focus, I found meeting women and dating shifted entirely. I stopped planning the right line or what I needed to project in order to “make her want me.” I was able to be incredibly authentic and honest with women I was just meeting. I started saying things like: “Hi there. I was noticing you from across the way, and I find you incredibly beautiful. To be honest, I’m a little freaked out coming over to talk with you, but I just had to try. What’s your name?” As I accepted myself more, my ability to just put myself out there radically increased. e same is possible for you, once you’ve made the commitment to accept yourself no matter what. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, love and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.” - Theodore Rubin, M.D.

Take Action: Commit To Complete Self-Acceptance Self-acceptance is not a state you achieve once and are done with. It requires a consistent effort to remember to forgive, accept, and love yourself no matter what’s happening. The biggest shift comes when you decide on a deep level to start treating yourself well no matter what. When you decide you’ll no longer stand for self-hate or self-criticism. This decision comes from realizing life is better when you’re on your own side, and you can achieve profoundly more when you're not battling yourself. Are you willing to make that commitment now?

Confidence Tips

As you might guess, these steps don’t work in a linear fashion. It’s not like you complete Step 1 and never have to worry about a toxic coach again. Instead, all of these steps are a process. ey’re things you do every day to steadily increase your confidence. We all want a quick result. We want to watch a video or read an article and feel completely diff erently forever. But when it comes to creating a deep, permanent sense of confidence in yourself, it takes practice over time. But I promise you, it does get better. e

more you can improve your inner coaching, change your story to serve you, approach what you’re scared of, let go of your unrealistic expectations, be present in your body, and find love and compassion for yourself, the better your life will be. What follows are important confidence tips to help guide you on your path. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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CONFIDENCE TIP #1 - DAILY RITUALS All the knowledge in the world won’t help you make a shift in how you feel. Knowing in your head you need to have more self-compassion won’t automatically make you feel more loving towards yourself.

In order to truly transform, you must have things you do on a daily basis that put these teachings into practice.

In other words, you must come up with a daily ritual of building your confidence. To do this, set aside some time each day. Start with just ten minutes if your life is really busy. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t have ten minutes. No matter how busy, all of us are doing things for at least a few minutes each day we could skip (watching TV, surfing the web, getting lost in the Facebook vortex, checking email for the 30th time that day, etc.). Commit to taking some time each day to practice one of the 5 Steps. Do the exercises from the Take Action section of each step. Really write out your list of “shoulds” and challenge them. Actually pay attention to your inner coach and spend time coming up with di ff erent things you could tell yourself. Everything I share in this book, I have practiced myself... and that’s what it takes to create the confidence you want. Confidence is not something you just spontaneously wake up with, it’s something you build over time. So, what are you going to commit to each day? How much time are you going to invest in yourself? 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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CONFIDENCE TIP #2 - Progress, Regression, & The BIG Myth As you embark on this journey to greater confidence, you may start to notice progress. Once you challenge your old B.S. story no one will like you, and do what scares you, you might just find yourself meeting women or making new friends. Huzzah! Progress! is

is a great part of the journey, and one worth celebrating. Really take the time to notice your progress and highlight it. Don’t discount it by saying, “Oh who cares? Anyone else can talk to people. I didn’t do anything that amazing.” No! If talking to strangers is a big step for you, then it’s important. Who cares if anyone else would think it’s a big deal? It’s a big deal to you. And con fidence builds from your successes, so don’t take that away from yourself! But, the journey to confidence is not one continuous rise to the top, Supreme Confidence if you will. It’s not a straight line going from no con fidence to maximum confidence. It actually looks more like a stock market graph. Some days it’s up, and some days it’s down. is

is called regression . It’s the opposite of progress. Regression means you’ll have periods of feeling less con fident. In fact, you might have a setback, failure, or rejection that hits you really hard. You might feel so bad you conclude nothing you’ve done helped because you’re right back to square one. Don’t buy into this! Catch this toxic story and remind yourself regression is inevitable. It just means you’re human and you’re still learning and growing. Practice selfcompassion and see if you can ease up on yourself. Remind yourself this is a process and you’re committed to growing. You’ll discover over time your periods of regression are often shorter than they used to be. Instead of making you feel worthless for weeks, a rejection might only make you feel low for several days, then several hours. “Slow down, calm down, don’t worry, don’t hurry, trust the process.” - Alexandra Stoddard


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CONFIDENCE TIP #3 - SELF-CONCEPT TIME LAG Your self-concept is your idea about who you are. It’s how you see yourself. It includes all the adjectives you’d use to describe yourself: tall, short, thin, fat, smart, dumb, funny, boring, attractive, ugly, etc. If you’re shy and socially anxious, then you have a negative self-concept. is means you see yourself in a poor light. You tend to notice your flaws and shortcomings and not your strengths (to learn how to completely transform this pattern, check out my book – e Solution To Social Anxiety ). As you apply the steps above and notice progress, something funny happens: You start getting diff erent results than you’d predict. For example, you might predict an attractive woman would be uncomfortable and annoyed if you were to go talk with her, because you’re an awkward, ugly, weirdo. How’s that for a stellar self-concept? But if you applied Step 3 and actually went and talked with her... what might happen? If you practice this enough, you just might find you get a positive response. She smiles and starts talking with you. But here’s where it gets weird.

Even after you start getting positive responses from the world around you, some part of you continues to predict bad outcomes.

I call this the Self-Concept Time Lag. at’s a mouthful, huh? Well I don’t care! I think it’s awesome and one day I’m going to trademark it. It basically means you’ll start to become a more con fident, assertive, outgoing person long before you’ll realize you’re a confident, assertive, outgoing person. Others will begin to see you that way, but you won’t. You’ll have a blind spot for your own confidence. 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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One client of mine started getting feedback at work from the managers. ey

said he was doing great work and he was really good at putting the customers at ease and chatting with them. But he’d been so shy for so long, he still thought of himself as the awkward guy no one wanted to talk to. His self-concept hadn’t caught up to how he actually operated in the world. Start paying attention to your self-concept. Is it behind the times? If someone were watching you from the outside, how would they describe you? Paying attention to this can help you more quickly change your self-concept to re flect the new you. You 2.0.

One final word on taking control of you life...


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TAKING YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR OWN HANDS A state of natural inner confidence is your birthright. All little kids are naturally confident. A toddler will take risks, yell out, make noise, and basically do whatever he wants. He doesn’t care what other people will think of him, or about what he “should” be doing. All that stuff comes later.

And if you’re stuck in shyness then there’s too much piled on. Too many rules, ideas, and patterns you’ve picked up. e steps above will help you remove this pile that’s blocking your natural confidence from emerging. No matter how long you’ve struggled, it’s possible for you to change your life.

It’s possible for you to completely accept all parts of yourself, to believe in yourself and your abilities, and to have the courage to pursue what you most want in this life. It’s simply a matter of practice and determination.

I’d be honored to help accelerate your progress along this journey. It’s possible to do it on your own, but I bene fited tremendously from getting guidance along the way, and I think you would too. If you’re motivated to take action to transform your life, I strongly suggest getting one of my confidence building training programs. Below are descriptions of each one, and how they can help you overcome specific challenges related to your confidence. Click the links below to learn more and order the program that’s right for you. If you’re dead set on making a complete change in your level of con fidence, and you’re motivated to really invest in yourself, then Confidence Coaching might be right for you. is is a powerful one-on-one process that allows us to identify your specific challenges and come up with a plan to live the life of con fidence you truly want. I only accept a small number of Private Confidence Coaching clients each year because my time is limited and I only want to work with you if you’re ready to do whatever it takes to transform your life. If you are, contact me about a submitting a Confidence Coaching Application. May you have the courage to be who you truly are!

Dr. Aziz Gazipura 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence

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ADDITIONAL CONFIDENCE TRAINING & BOOKS BY DR. AZIZ

Confidence Unleashed! “Unlock e Full Potential Of Your Masculine Power In Dating, Business, And Life!”

An in-depth 8-week confidence training program that teaches you why you are stuck and how to break free. You will learn about your “story” and how it stops you from having the con fidence you need in your life.


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The Confidence Code “How To Maximize Your Self-Esteem And Master Your Social Life!” An interactive DVD training program that teaches you the 2 fundamental components of confidence — self-esteem and social skills. When you have high self-esteem and you like who you are, confidence just comes naturally to you.


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The


30 Days To Dating Mastery “Maximize Your Confidence, Start Conversations, And Date Amazing Women... All By Being Yourself!” is

comprehensive video coaching program is designed to take you from feeling stuck and shy with women to a place of truly enjoying your dating life. Each day you will receive an email from Dr. Aziz that contains an in-depth Strategy Session that will teach you exactly what you need to know to have more success with women. en you will be given your mission for the day, which is a specific action that you must take that day. e missions build on each other and slowly take you from shyness to complete social confidence in yourself.


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The


The Solution To Social Anxiety “Break Free From e Shyness at’s Holding You Back!” “If you are a man struggling with shyness, Dr. Aziz is the guide you have been looking for. He walks with you every step, inspiring you on the path to liberation. is book is life changing!” – Dr. Landon Berger – Founder, Portland Positive Psychology In this inspiring, breakthrough book, Dr. Aziz will guide you along the path towards greater confidence in yourself. You’ll discover what’s keeping you stuck in shyness and learn exactly what to do in order to break free. You’ll master dozens of clinically proven techniques that will help you overcome your shyness and social anxiety!


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The


How To Overcome Your Fear Of Public Speaking “e 3 Steps To Speaking Confidence!” is

is a detailed eBook that teaches you how to overcome your fears of speaking in front of a group.


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5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confdience Dr Aziz Gazipura

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