Manipulation Tactics Chapter 3: 15 Signs That You’re Being Manipulated
30 COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TACTICS How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships by AB Admin © 2014 AB ADMIN, PSYCHOPATHS AND LOVE All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the author. CONTENTS Chapter 1: About Covert Emotional Manipulation Chapter 2: 30 Covert Emotional
CHAPTER 1: ABOUT COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War Covert emotional manipulation tactics are underhanded methods of control. Emotional manipulation methodically wears down your self-worth and selfconfidence, and damages your trust in your own perceptions. It can make you unwittingly compromise your personal values, which leads to a loss of selfrespect and a warped self concept. With your defenses weakened or completely disarmed in this manner, you are left even more vulnerable to further manipulation. A skilled emotional manipulator gets you to put your sense of selfworth and emotional well-being into their hands.
Once you make that grave mistake, they methodically and continually chip away at your identity and self-esteem until there’s little left. In order to be successful, a manipulator must conceal their aggressive intentions and behavior, know your vulnerabilities, and be ruthless enough not to care what harm the manipulation causes you. This explains why manipulation must be hidden, or covert. Why do manipulators do it? There are several reasons, and none of them are good. A psychopathic manipulator has to fulfill strong needs for control, power, and superiority. They will also manipulate for material gain. Some simply grow bored and see manipulation as a game, one that’s played at your expense. Manipulators affected with borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder will manipulate for attention, approval, control, and ‘narcissistic supply,’ which is the sustenance drawn from others that is essential to their self-esteem. Even people without serious
psychological disorders use manipulation from time to time to get what they want. Manipulators are willing to advance their own purposes and personal gain, no matter what the cost is to someone else. Learning various manipulation tactics opens your eyes so you can identify them. But it’s not always easy, because manipulators count on strong emotions – such as guilt, fear, love, and shame – to prevent us from thinking clearly and seeing what they’re up to. That’s how manipulators get away with it. They often create these emotions for that reason. That’s why it is important for you to recognize when you’re experiencing an emotion that makes you vulnerable, and to acknowledge that you’re a prime candidate for manipulation. Awareness is a primary defense against covert manipulation. With that thought, what follows are 30 covert emotional manipulation tactics used in personal relationships. CHAPTER 2: 30 COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
TACTICS Intermittent Reinforcement This is an extremely effective manipulation tactic. Intermittent reinforcement occurs when an abuser only gives his victim positive reinforcement (attention, appreciation, praise, adoration, declarations of love, etc.) on a random basis. This will create a climate of doubt, fear, and anxiety, while compelling you to persist. You’ll know he’s withdrawing and you’ll fear you’re losing him, but he’ll deny it. This replays over and over until you’re riding an emotional roller coaster, with no way to stop the ride and get off. He or she is doing this on purpose to increase his power and control over you and to make you even more desperate for his love. You have become the proverbial lab rat frantically pushing the lever for a randomly dispensed treat. The rat thinks of nothing else, and neither will you. The bond can become even stronger during this phase, believe it or not. It’s a wellknown psychological phenomenon known as traumatic bonding. Negative Reinforcement
The manipulator stops performing a negative behavior (such as giving you the silent treatment, acting angry, or staying out late every night) when you comply with his demands, whatever they may be. Not Allowing Negative Emotion The victim is chastised for emotional behavior. When you get upset and question the manipulator or complain about something they’re doing that bothers you, the focus is put on your emotional upset instead the issue causing it -- which conveniently takes the focus off of them and the real issue. He or she refuses to hear what it is you want to talk about; instead, the issue becomes your emotion to it, which the manipulator says is unacceptable. In fact, the manipulator will tell you, this negative emotion is an issue you need to work on, and one he or she finds highly unattractive. The silent treatment usually follows, which increases your frustration (and your emotionality) at not being able to express your thoughts and feelings. You
are unwittingly put into a vicious cycle with no way out. The more you are made to suppress your emotions, the more frustrated – and emotional – you will become, which starts the process all over again. Indirect Aggressive Abuse Name-calling is direct and obvious, but an underhanded way to make it much less obvious is to drop the angry tone of voice that usually accompanies it, and disguise the insult as teaching, helping, giving advice, or offering solutions. It appears to be a sincere attempt to help, but it’s actually an attempt to belittle, control and demean you. For example, a manipulator may tell you that you would come across as much more likeable if you would drop your habit of needing to assert your needs and opinions. Premature Disclosure Manipulators share intimate information about themselves, their lives, and their families early on to create a false sense of intimacy. You’ll automatically feel obliged or free to respond, and afterward you’ll trust him
or her more and feel closer than you really are. Later, you might find out that most of what he or she disclosed wasn’t true, and that the manipulator will later use everything you told them about yourself to manipulate you or hurt you later. Triangulation This is a common and effective tactic in a manipulator’s arsenal. The manipulator introduces other men or women into the relationship in any way they can — by talking about someone at work, talking about an ex, flirting with someone in front of you, or comparing you unfavorably to someone else — just to hurt you, knock you off balance, and make you feel insecure or jealous. In a normal relationship, most people will go out of their way to show they’re loyal to you. You will always know where you stand with them. The manipulator does just the opposite, and enjoys watching your pain and angst. He may even be grooming his next target, who is conveniently used to manipulate you devalue you. For example, he may flirt
with another woman in front of you so he can build his relationship with her while making you feel insecure at the same time. And he’ll deny the whole thing later, of course, and say the real problem is your insecurity. Blaming The Victim This occurs when a victim of wrongdoing is held partially or totally responsible for the harm they suffered. This tactic is a powerful means of putting you on the defense (which makes you look guilty) while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the abuser. It usually occurs when the relationship ends and the abuser claims that the victim was the one at fault. Just when the victim needs support, others may turn away and believe the abuser instead. Shifting The Focus The victim shares a concern with the manipulator, such a suspicion of infidelity. Instead of dealing with the stated concern, the manipulator says the problem is actually the victim’s ‘insecurity’ or some other character flaw, which they say has nothing to do
with their behavior or with reality. The manipulator makes it clear that they find this ‘flaw’ unacceptable. Since this is very unpleasant, the victim learns not ask questions, and silently puts up with bad behavior in the future. It usually happens along with the tactic of ‘not allowing negative emotion,’ but it can happen even if you don’t show negative emotion, and talk in a matterof-fact way about something he or she wants to keep hidden. Insinuating Comments The manipulator will make carefully chosen insinuating comments to evoke an uncomfortable emotional response or even several responses at once. He knows your weaknesses and your hotbuttons, and he will enjoy dropping a bomb like this and watching the fallout. If someone says something that has multiple negative meanings and causes negative emotions while leaving you flummoxed and without a meaningful response, you’ve experienced it. An example is a man who says “You know
what? You could make a lot of money as a prostitute!” after you make love, or says “I wonder why no one ever loved you before?” There are many ways to look at comments like these, and you will look at all of them, repeatedly. Guilt A skilled manipulator can make you feel guilty for just about anything. Guilt is a negative emotion we experience after we’ve done something wrong. We can also experience it when we haven’t really done anything wrong, but the manipulator wants us to believe we did. For example, you may suspect your partner is cheating on you. When you ask her about it, she denies it and then acts offended and hurt that you could even think such a thing. Or if you complain about anything she does, she will remind you of all the wonderful things she has done for you. Many of us are conditioned by our family, religion, and society to feel guilt, so it’s easy for the manipulator to make us feel it, too. Being able to feel guilt means we have a
conscience. But when we feel guilty about something we’re not really responsible for, it is destructive and counter-productive. We feel guilty because we believe something we’ve done causes someone thinks poorly of us. Our natural reaction to that is to apologize, make amends, and act in a way that will make the manipulator think highly of us again…which means to act in the way they want us to act. Shame When a manipulator communicates to us that we are not worthy of respect -such as by expressing disgust or disappointment, using sarcasm and putdowns, or comparing us to someone else they claim to think is better in some way -- we feel shame. Shame is a very powerful tool for a manipulator. Few emotional states are more painful than shame. We feel guilty for what we do, but we feel shame for what we are. Shame is a feeling of deep humiliation, and one thing a manipulator loves to do is to make their victim feel humiliated.
According to clinical psychologist Gershen Kaufman, "Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within." In relationships, we feel shame with any event we believe weakens the bond or indicates rejection. Shame is the pervasive belief that one is somehow inherently defective or unacceptable, so this manipulation tactic causes serious harm. Empty Words The manipulator can turn on the charm and tell you exactly what you want to hear: “I love you,” “you’re so special to me,” “you’re so important to me,” “I’ve waited my whole life for you,” etc. The problem is these are just words, backed up by nothing. Filling your need for approval, love, validation, admiration, and reassurance with these empty words gives him or her incredible power over you. Crazymaking
The manipulator says something and later denies they ever said it. This could happen a month later or five minutes later. You know she said it, she knows she said it, and she knows you know she said it. But none of that matters. If you feel you need to have a tape recorder running every time you talk to this person, you’re a victim of crazymaking. Gaslighting Denying, and therefore invalidating, reality. Invalidating reality distorts or undermines the victim’s perceptions of their world. This is an especially frustrating manipulation tactic. You know you saw him do something, but when you confront him he simply and emphatically denies it. The deception seems like it would be obvious enough, but if it’s repeated often victims can begin to question their ‘version’ of reality and let these absurdities slip by. This tactic is related to crazymaking. Minimizing The manipulator will tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or that
you’re ‘exaggerating’ when you question him or confront him about something he’s done. The Silent Treatment Supposedly because of something you did, the manipulator refuses to communicate and uses emotional or physical withdrawal as punishment. This is commonly called the silent treatment, stonewalling, or withholding. It conveys contempt and communicates that you are not worth the manipulator’s acknowledgement of your existence, let alone her time, love, attention, or consideration. According to Steve Becker, LCSW, “the silencer's aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce feelings of powerlessness and shame.” Becker says the silent treatment is “a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on
personality.” Lying A lie is a false statement deliberately presented as the truth. Some manipulators will say anything to get the results they want. Many are expert liars who are very convincing, and who lie frequently and with impunity. Lies of Omission Lies of omission are a more subtle form of lying. Instead of making a deceptive statement, the liar withholds the truth. For example, the manipulator may not tell you he’s married if he thinks it would stop you from becoming involved with him. Denying Responsibility Nothing is ever the manipulator’s fault, and he or she will find some crafty way to make you or someone else responsible instead. The manipulator may refuse to take responsibility for his behavior, for the state of the relationship, or for your reactions to it. He or she finds a way to make you take the blame for whatever’s wrong. You are stealthily made responsible for the relationship’s ultimate failure or success. Diversion and Evasion
When you ask the manipulator a question, instead of answering it he or she may use diversion (steering the conversation to another topic) or evasion (giving an irrelevant, vague and often rambling response) instead. Selective Forgetting The manipulator pretends she forgot something important she once said, such as a promise or commitment she made, even though her memory seems pretty good in general. Turning the Tables The manipulator ‘turns the tables’ and make you look like the abuser. Skilled manipulators have an arsenal of tactics at their disposal, and they will be pushing as many buttons as possible to get you to lose control. They can inflict so much psychological warfare and make you suppress so much emotion that you can be backed into an emotional corner. When this happens, the intense frustration you feel -- but are not allowed to express through normal communication -- will cause you to
blow up in a reaction of selfdefense. Emotional reactions in selfdefense to an abusive situation do not make you an abuser. Brandishing Anger The manipulator will put on an act of intense anger for the purpose of shocking you into submission. This is also called ‘traumatic one-trial learning,’ because it will quickly train you to avoid confronting, upsetting or contradicting the manipulator. Scapegoating A scapegoat is also known as a ‘whipping boy’ or a ‘fall guy.’ Scapegoating is the process of making someone the focus of negative treatment and blame they don’t deserve. Manipulators usually do it on purpose, although some people unconsciously project their unwanted thoughts and feelings onto another to make them a scapegoat for their own problems. Diminishing And Belittling The manipulator will diminish and belittle your opinions and ideas either verbally or non-verbally, by using eyerolls, scoffs, smug smiles, sarcasm, etc. This tactic induces shame, crushes your
self-esteem, and makes you less willing to voice your opinions and ideas in the future. Putting You On the Defensive Many of the covert tactics listed here will put you on the defensive, meaning that they cause you to feel you must verbally defend who you are, what you believe, and what the truth is. Covert manipulation tactics trigger you to react emotionally instead of responding rationally, which is exactly what the manipulator wants: Calm, rational conversations aren’t good for someone with something to hide. In addition, they can use these emotional reactions against us if they choose to. Creating Fear What these manipulation tactics have in common is that they make us feel fear – the fear of losing the other person and the relationship. We don’t want to lose them, so we act the way they want us to so we can avoid that loss. In this situation, the person who creates our fear is the only one who can relieve our
fear, so we end up unwittingly playing along with their game. Playing the Victim The manipulator will inspire your pity by making themselves look like the victim of circumstances or of some unfair person’s or organization’s behavior. This elicits our sympathy – and our cooperation – because we can’t stand to see someone else suffering. Rationalization This is also known as justification or excuse-making. The manipulator creates reasons for their behavior that make their actions more understandable, acceptable, and appropriate. They do this to get you off their back so they can continue doing what they feel they are entitled to do. Flattery Flattery is excessive or false praise and compliments given to advance the manipulator’s own interests. Manipulators can sense our insecurity or pride and tell us exactly what we long to hear. We want to feel good about ourselves, and we like others who make us feel that way. Flattery can make us
feel beautiful, intelligent, and lovable. Often, we long to be appreciated. When we think someone recognizes our good points, it can have a powerful effect on us. Suspect flattery. Trance If the manipulator is a psychopath, trance will come into play. Trance is a very powerful manipulation tool in a psychopath’s arsenal. The technique of trance induction comes naturally to the psychopath. It’s an effect of their intense presence and laser-like focus on you. When you’re in a trance state, your attention is hyper-focused on the manipulator. Trance leaves you psychologically defenseless. Messages and experiences you’ve internalized during trance states become fixed in your psyche and are especially persistent. CHAPTER 3: 15 SIGNS THAT YOU’RE BEING MANIPULATED Manipulation can be so subtle and undercover that it can control you for quite a while before you figure out what’s happening, if you ever do. Some
manipulators are highly skilled. They’re described by some as puppet masters, and you could unwittingly become a puppet if you don’t know the signs. As your strings are pulled this way and that, you do just what the puppet master wants you to do. You think you’re acting from your own free will, but the truth is you’re not. Once the relationship ends, many victims finally see they were under a manipulator’s control. If you’re a victim of manipulation, you may know something is wrong but you’re not quite sure what the problem is. You may be manipulated into believing the problem is you. Or you might suspect you’re being manipulated, and you want to know how to tell for sure. It’s actually easier and more obvious than you might think. You don’t have to know anything at all about the techniques of covert emotional manipulation to know if your strings are being pulled (although the more you know, the better). You only need to look at yourself to know if manipulation is at play.
If you’re in a relationship and notice the following signs, there’s a high probability you’re being manipulated: Your joy at finding love has turned into the fear of losing it. You will start feeling stressed at this point. Your feelings have gone from happiness and euphoria to anxiety, sadness and even desperation. (This is known as “the manipulative shift.”) Your mood depends entirely on the state of the relationship. You’re unhappy in your relationship most of the time…yet you dread losing it. You feel like you’re screwing up the best thing that ever happened to you, but you’re not sure how. Your relationship feels very complex, although you’re not sure why. When talking about it, you might find yourself saying “It’s hard to explain. It’s just really....complicated.” You obsess about the relationship constantly. You endlessly analyze every aspect of it as you desperately try to “figure it out.” You talk about it constantly, to whomever will listen. None of this gets you anywhere.
You never feel sure of where you stand with your partner, which leaves you in a perpetual state of uncertainty and anxiety. You frequently ask your partner if something’s wrong. You always seem to be on the defensive. You find yourself feeling misunderstood, so you continually feel the need to explain things and defend yourself. You’re frustrated about ongoing issues that come up repeatedly and are never resolved. Conversations about these issues always seem to end up being about your problem with mistrust or insecurity. You feel that you just don’t know how to make your partner happy. You try hard but nothing seems to work, at least not for long. Expressing negative thoughts and emotions feels restricted or even forbidden, at times causing you to experience extreme frustration and even hostility. You feel inadequate. You don’t feel as good about yourself as you did before
the relationship. You feel less strong, less confident, less secure, less intelligent, less sane, or in some way ‘less than’ anything you were before the relationship. You always feel you’re falling short of your partner’s expectations. You often feel guilty. You continually try to repair the damage you believe you’ve caused. You blame yourself for your partner pulling away from you. You can’t understand why you keep sabotaging the relationship. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, carefully controlling your words and actions to keep him from withdrawing his affection again. You might be wondering how you (or anyone else) could stay in a relationship that causes fear, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, frustration and hostility. Wouldn’t you know something is terribly wrong? There are two reasons people stay. First, the relationship got off to an amazing start. He or she seemed like your perfect partner — your soul mate,
probably — and the honeymoon phase was idyllic. Since you’ve been manipulated into blaming yourself for the problems, you stick with the relationship and desperately try to repair the damage. Also, the manipulator uses intermittent reinforcement to great effect. After all, if the relationship was bad one hundred percent of the time, it would end. Second, “manipulation is an evolving process over time,” according to Harriet B. Braiker, PhD., author of “Who’s Pulling Your Strings,” Victims are controlled through a series of promised gains and threatened losses covertly executed through a variety of manipulation tactics. In other words, the manipulation builds gradually as the abuser creates uncertainty and doubt by going back and forth from hot to cold, by going back and forth from giving you what you desire to taking it away. “In the end, it doesn’t matter how you got into that relationship, it is the realization that it is one-sided, exploitative, and toxic. The questions
that need to be asked are very simple. ‘Are they using their charms or behavior to control you or others for their own benefit? Are they manipulating you? Are they doing things that hurt you or put you at risk? Do you feel like this relationship is one- sided? Are you hurting in this relationship?’ If the answer to these questions is yes, it is time to untangle yourself from the toxic strings that control you so you can get your life back. Take heed – you have no social obligation to be victimized – ever.” ~ Dangerous Personalities, by Joe Navarro, M.A., a 25-year veteran of the FBI Emotional manipulation is emotional abuse; and emotional abuse is abuse, just as physical abuse is. If you believe you’re in a relationship with an abuser, no good will come of it. An abuser does
not respect you or care about your wellbeing. Don’t let a manipulator waste any more of your precious time. If you believe you’re dealing with a more benign type of manipulator, such as a mother who guilt-trips you into spending the holidays with her every year or a friend who doesn’t return favors, strong boundaries and setting limits may resolve the problem. Only you can decide if a relationship is worthwhile or if it’s detrimental and needs to end. Did you like this book? If so, please post a short review on Amazon. Your support is truly appreciated. Thank you. For more valuable information, visit the website, Psychopaths and Love. Other books by the author: Boundaries: Loving Again After a Pathological Relationship Psychopaths and Love 202 Ways to Spot a Psychopath in Personal Relationships
