243403579-Get-Her-Back.pdf

The

Ex Recovery System:

Get Her Back Edition By Ashley Kay The Ex Recovery System: Get Her Back © 2011

The Ex Recovery System: Get Her Back Edition

All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2011 ExRecoverySystem.com

No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or distributed in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from ExRecoverySystem.com. The information contained in this book is provided as is without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall ExRecoverySystem.com be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.

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CONTENT HEY...

5

GET HER BACK QUICK REFERENCE MIND-MAP

9

I. UNDERSTANDING & ANALYSIS

11

STEP 1 – WHERE TO GO FROM HERE? ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY READY?

12

Complete Control Technique

17

Exercise 1: Taking Action NOW

22

Instant Emotion Buster

23

QUIZ: Are You Emotionally Out Of Control?

26

STEP 2 - WHAT REALLY WENT WRONG

28

Short Term Relationships

37

Exercise 2 - Why Your Ex Girlfriend Left

39

STEP 3 – INSIDE THE FEMALE MIND Why Is She Doing This to Me?

STEP 4 – DO YOU REALLY WANT HER BACK? QUIZ: Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex Girlfriend?

40 43

48 55

II. THE PLAN

57

STEP 1 – MAKE HER CHASE YOU

58

STEP 2 – THE SEED LETTER

66

STEP 3 – REMOVE HER RESISTANCE

72

How to Start Being Single

73

Resistance Eraser

82

Quiz: Are You Ready For Contact?

89

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STEP 4 – RE-ATTRACTION The Direct Method

91 92

The Indirect Method

106

The Combo

117

QUIZ: How to Tell If Your Ex Still Has Feelings For You

118

BONUS: THE OTHER PERSON IN YOUR EX’S LIFE

120

BONUS: KEY TO GETTING HER TO COMMIT

123

IF YOU GET BACK TOGETHER... NOW WHAT?

129

IF YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON...

133

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Hey... You’ve just picked up a manual very close to my heart - a unique, step-by-step system I’ve created to help you move through the painful transition of your break up to getting a second chance with your girlfriend. In fact, the Ex Recovery System has been years in the making. I pride myself in knowing it’s one of the most in-depth and solid products on the market. The goal I want to achieve today and for the next 30 days is to help you, stop your break up, win your girl back and restore your relationship so it is the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed of having. By the time this book gets to you, you will have transgressed through different stages of your break up. This book caters to all the different stages and meets you where you are right now. This is the kind of book I feel proud to pass onto my closest friends and one I wish I had when I was much more “naive” about relationships. Not only does it contain the exact, step-by-step blueprint to reclaiming your girlfriend’s heart. It will show you an in-depth psychological break down of your break up, give you access inside a woman’s mind, as well as tricks and tips on female psychology that will serve you well for years to come! You’ll discover...

WHY •

Why your girl left; the reasons she won’t say and why she won’t say them.

•

What she’s really thinking right now about you.

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•

Why she may act a certain way after the break up – especially if this is confusing the bejesus out of you.

We will also journey deep into your own mind and find psychological reasons why you may have self-sabotaged the relationship. I will also show you how you can prevent it from happening again.

HOW The heart of this book lies within the unique method to re-attracting your woman back. Many tactics in this book are based on proven female psychological triggers, things that work on a woman, even though SHE may not want them to! (She won’t be able to resist you, trust me) I lay it all out on the table, holding nothing back. You’ll have an extensive array of tools you can use to turn into an ultra women magnet!

BIG WARNING! – The Truth About Meddling With Women When it comes to meddling with a woman’s actions and desires, there are never any guarantees. Therefore I can’t promise by implementing everything in this system that you will get your woman back. No one can make that guarantee and there’s a very good reason for that. When you’re dealing with another person’s feelings, needs and wants, you have NO control over the things they eventually choose to do. The best you can do is influence them the best way you can and hope they want what you want. Therefore, no techniques, tricks or magic of any kind can get a woman back who doesn’t want you, even if you look like Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson. We all have a thing called Free Will. Respect your exes and learn to harness your own!

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With that said, I’ve seen many cases where men have gotten their girl back using “quick fix” techniques or strategies, only to break up a month or two later. Why is this?? Often it’s because the men doing these exercises failed to understand the core problems within the relationship. You might be able to “wing” it once or twice, but unless you really understand why it failed and address those issues, you won’t be able to sustain your relationship in the long term.

Before We Get Started... I want you to get this ingrained in your head right now: “You won’t get your ex girlfriend back by simply reading this book.” You might know everything in the world but unless you actually start implementing what you learn, you’re not going to get far. Knowledge isn’t power - it’s POTENTIAL power. The key ingredient that’s missing is ACTION. That’s where the real magic happens. After a traumatic break up, most people drive themselves crazy recycling the same questions over and over in their heads. Eg. Why the relationship failed, what did I do wrong, why won’t she give me another chance etc. When your mind asks a question, it is forced to come up with an answer. Most of the time, the answers you come up with are not based on fact or truth, and they will only make you feel worse. The point is, you don’t want to make the problem bigger than it already is. “Negative thoughts are the demons that hold you back.” This is why I’ve created this system; everything is broken down for you so you only focus on one thing at a time. This will keep you from being overwhelmed and make sure you follow through implementing all of the steps necessary.

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Alright let’s get started!

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Get Her Back Quick Reference

Mind-Map

Below is a mind-map of the entire Get Her Back course. Instantly see where you are and where you need to go next.

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I. Understanding & Analysis

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Step 1 – Where to Go From Here? Are You Emotionally Ready? Listed below are a range of common emotions you’ll experience during your break up:

The Break Up Emotion Cycle

You’ll alternate from feeling angry, hurt to shocked, confused to finally feeling numb. This cycle will continue throughout your break up until the time between each stage becomes longer and longer. You’ll no longer feel any of these emotions when you are completely over the break up. If you’re going through this cycle of emotions on a daily basis, it is important you do NOT skip this chapter.

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There are a few reasons why your emotions may be hindering you from this point forward, and this WILL affect how effective this system will be for you.

Emotional Is Irrational, Irrational Is Borderline Crazy If you’re emotional, you’re irrational. Break ups are extremely exhausting, both mentally and physically. Your mind will be clouded by unjustified logic and illusions of what you believe went wrong with the relationship. How we control our emotions, ultimately comes down to how our brain works. Now, during a break up, this is one time when you have the LEAST control over your emotions. It’s fairly obvious why. Break ups can cause extreme emotional turmoil inside you. When your thought process is frazzled, you’ll often find yourself become physically tired too. Have you ever had to study for many hours straight, to find yourself physically exhausted by the end of it? Well, this is the same thing. The BAD news is, when your thoughts are largely driven by your emotions, your RATIONAL thinking process gets stumped out and ignored! This is what I call a “Break up Blackout”. How effective will your brain be when you’re in a Break Up Blackout? Not a whole lot. See, our brain have TWO modes of thinking. Left Brain vs Right Brain. Right now, you are driven by RIGHT BRAIN functions. Examples of Right Brain thinking are: •

Uses of feelings

•

Imagination

•

Present and Future

•

Beliefs Ashley Kay 13


•

Philosophy

Right now, your feelings are dictating how to behave and act. The worse that you feel, the more you will focus on what is wrong in your life. For example, you may envision: •

Your ex girlfriend sleeping with other men

•

Your ex girlfriend being hit on and lured away by other men

•

Your ex girlfriend having a great time without you and not caring about you anymore

•

You going to family or social events alone and having to explain why.

•

You spending the nights alone.

•

You watching movies and cooking dinner alone.

These images magnify how strongly you feel and in turn it creates a mini cyclone of emotional turmoil. You need to regain control. You do this by altering your emotions using your body, mind and spirit. The focus is to adopt LEFT BRAIN thinking. Left Brain thinking will allow you to take onboard new information and ideas (this system). It is also where the logical, rational and analytical part of your brain resides. This is where some of your BEST kept tools are. How successful would you be going to a job interview if you’re feeling as you do now - an emotional wreck? What about sitting for an exam? Performing simple math equations? Reattracting her back!? Thankfully, most of us are not completely controlled by our emotions. There are times in the day we can “block” out our Right Brain thinking and focus purely on Left Brain functions. We need to do this to get things done. Ashley Kay 14


You will need your Left Brain functions to analyse your relationship and devise the best plan of action to take, and then take action! This isn’t rocket science. In order to progress through this program, you must CALM your nerves and regain CONTROL of your emotions. Achievement comes from FOCUSED and CONSISTENT action. Calm Your Nerves... Regain Control Of Your Emotions. If you want a shortcut, pay attention and start applying what you learn today and everyday! There are some men who seem to get everything they want easily... they have perfect gorgeous partners, loads of confidence, optimistic attitudes, devoted friends… everything appears to come easy and when it comes to winning back an ex girlfriend? It’s not even in their vocabulary because they’re the ones doing the breaking up. So what about you? Do you feel like you’re the complete opposite? Are you unlucky-in-love? Do you constantly find yourself in bad relationships? Guess what? It can all stop right now. Imagine your dream relationship right now. Imagine a girl who loves, admires you, and never in a million years would want to leave you AND she is happy just to be with you. That could be your reality in the coming WEEKS or MONTHS if you follow this system. Now the first thing I want you to do is… GET A CUP OF HOT BEVERAGE. Really… I mean it. Right now. You can get coffee, tea, hot chocolate... anything that is a HOT. That means no alcohol or soft drinks. You’ll see why in a minute. But right now go get that kettle boiling. Don’t come back until you have it steaming in front of you. Ashley Kay 15


Alright, are you back? Are you comfortable? You better be! If not, get a pillow or blanket to put around you or around your seat so you ARE comfortable. This is all a part of the plan to calm your nerves! Now I want you to just sink into your seat and get as comfortable as you can while you’re listening to me.

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Complete Control Technique Want to calm your nerves fast and push your worries away in an instant? Here are the hard and fast steps to change your state right now.  Be Grateful.  Get Focused.  Find A Solution.  Take Action. This is what works for me when I need to calm myself down and gain perspective on a situation that is causing me stress or grief. This works for a multitude of things. Job interview, business meeting, people pissing you off etc… anything that makes you upset and stressed or just undesirable to be around. You don’t even have to go through all four or in any particular order. As long as you remember a FEW of these, it’ll work.

1. Be Grateful Being grateful for everything in your life is a quick and easy way to lift your mood and eliminate your worries. What you do is to become AWARE of your current environment. Look around your desk or room. Take notice of everything that you have taken for granted. Eg. The chair you’re sitting on. The solid roof over your head. The hot drink in your hand. These are things other people invented or thought up, for the purpose of making your life easier. How often do you really appreciate everything that’s in your life? Think of your family and friends and how much value they bring to your life. Can you

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picture your life without them? Don’t you appreciate the things that they do, the company they bring and the stories and jokes they tell? Be grateful they’re in your life. Think of everything in your life that you are grateful for, because when consciously asking this question you’ll find more and more things to be grateful for.

2. Get Focused Close your eyes and think of something that contains the colour “green” in your current environment. Now if you really close your eyes, you might only be able to think of a couple of things that contains green. Or perhaps you won’t be able to think of anything green in your room. Now open your eyes and take a good look around your room or environment. Count how many things contain the colour “green” now? Are you surprised to find there are more than you first thought? That’s because your mind were focused on “green” while you were scanning. However during the first exercise, I told you just to think of green before you had a chance to scan. Your perspective of the room was altered just because I told you something particular to focus on. When you are depressed or sad, is your mind focused on all the positives things happening in your life or the negatives? Most people will say the negatives; we choose to focus on the negatives because that’s what our emotions are telling us to do at the time. But does this mean our life only contain negative experiences? In order to re-adjust what you’re focused on, you need to gain a bigger perspective of the problem. Alter Your Focus Ashley Kay 18


Millions of couples break up each year. You are only one tiny pebble amongst the landslide of the heartbreaks in the world. You might feel like you’re about to die and your world has crumbled around you, but there are people dying of famine and other diseases on other parts of the world. You might be focusing on your ex enjoying herself with someone else, completely ignoring your messages, but what if you have never even been on a date, kissed anyone or experienced being in love. Wouldn’t that be even more depressing? The point is your heartbreak is NOTHING compared to the sufferings other people’s dayto-day dilemmas. Your pain will subside and go away in a few months. For others, they only have a few months to live. Those less fortunate won’t be able to feel love again, or sadness, or happiness. What they wouldn’t give to be in your shoes? Ok, my point isn’t to make yourself feel worse or guilty about feeling your current pain. I’m not trying to lessen the importance of the problem. I do want you to realize that your problems are not as large or messed up as you make them out to be. You are a bright and fortunate individual with so much to look forward to. Get focused on the RIGHT things and realize this one problem is just that… one small problem amongst a much bigger world. If you only had one week to live would you really want to spend it lamenting and crying over your ex girlfriend? Can you imagine yourself 10 years from now, laughing about all of this?

3. Find A Solution Altering your focus and being grateful is great. However I bet that still doesn’t completely eliminate your break up pains. I mean, you’re still depressed about your ex girlfriend, you still want her back. You can delusion yourself for a while that you are fine without her but eventually the pain will snap you back into reality. Ashley Kay 19


That’s why you need this step. So as you’re sitting there, think about what your IMMEDIATE problem is. It could be you’re feeling too sad to do anything productive. Or you’re hungry but you can’t eat. Or that you know you should sleep but you can’t sleep. Pinpoint what your exact problem is right now… and we’re going to solve this problem by asking a very powerful and efficient machine. That machine is your brain!

Here is an example: Let’s say you’re tired but you can’t sleep. An example of how you could solve this problem is to ask yourself what you did in the past that used to put you to sleep. How have you dealt with this situation before? Think back to a time when you could sleep and you slept like a baby. Go back to that time and visualize what you did that day, how you felt before you went to bed, what you did before you went to bed, what you were thinking about while you were in bed. Run through the entire day completely in your mind and be completely thorough if you can. If you can’t think of anything and your mind is blank, focus on how you felt on the days when you could fall asleep and what you thought about while lying in bed. I know when I sleep like a baby is the times when I’ve had very eventful days, perhaps with a lot of running around from place to place or needing to solve a big problem which completely exhausted me! If that doesn’t work, it’s time to TRY SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW! Eg. Go for a walk, watch a really slow movie (anything to do with the planets always manage to put me to sleep, not that they’re boring, just very relaxing), try to do some Ashley Kay 20


work, read a boring book, etc.

So, think of what problem you’re currently dealing with. Maybe you want to stop thinking about her or you want to stop wanting to call her and hear her voice. To find a solution to a problem, you must ask yourself: •

How can I solve this problem right now? What can I use to my advantage? (Eg. If you like to procrastinate, now’s a good time to use it if it’s something you SHOULDN’T be doing.)

•

How have I overcome this problem before?

•

How can I make myself feel better right now?

•

What are some ways I can ____ ?

•

What are some things that will make me feel __ ?

•

What are other things I can do right now that are more enjoyable?

Once you have come up with a solution...

4. Take Action... The 3 Second Rule Once you have come up with a solution, don’t just SIT ON IT. It’s easy to dismiss any idea that you come up with and make an excuse why it wouldn’t work. Instead of thinking about whether or not it will work, just do it!

What is the 3 second rule? After you come up with a solution, you must take action within the next 3 seconds. Don’t sit there and give yourself time to come up with why you shouldn’t do something. Just do it!

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Obviously you need to come up with solutions that would actually be achievable, so don’t get too creative and sit on ideas like robbing a bank or running off across the country. (Although, you CAN fantasize about this as long as you make it really crazy and silly, anything that makes you laugh is a good thing in my opinion.) The longer you sit there the bigger the problem will become because once again that is what you’re focused on.

“Focus not on the problem but on how to solve the problem instead.” Let’s recap what we have learned so far: •

To achieve what you want, you must have a system in place (this one).

•

To execute the steps, you must CALM your nerves and regain CONTROL of your emotions.

•

To do this, apply the Complete Control Technique:

1. Be Grateful. 2. Get Focused. 3. Find A Solution. 4. Take Action (using the 3 second rule).

Exercise 1: Taking Action NOW

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One of my favourite ways to keep busy is to learn something new and have fun doing it. Now I’m going to introduce you to a very important component to The Ex Recovery System: Get Her Back. It’s going to be your saviour when you’re feeling absolutely miserable, or when nothing is going right.

Instant Emotion Buster Every time you’re feeling overwhelmed and your heart can’t bear it anymore, here’s what I want you to do: Step 1: Take out a piece of paper, notepad or even bring up Notepad on your computer. For this exercise, simply use the space provided within your Interactive Journal. Step2: Without HESITATION, write down everything you’re feeling and frustrated about. Let it flow from your pen (or fingertips), not worrying about grammar or spelling. Just write. Step 3: Do this until the pain passes OR when 10 minutes are up. What I’ve found is, after you do this exercise, you will almost always feel 100% better after 5 minutes of writing. Not only does this help straighten out your emotions, you’re also forced to use your Left Brain functions (by writing and constructing sentences). You can expand on this by keeping these entries in an Online Journal. What I've found is that by sharing your journey with others, you’ll find getting past the pain MUCH faster than doing it alone. Share your journal with fellow Get Her Back members at: http://ersurl.com/forum/

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I did this exercise one night when I was really depressed and frustrated about becoming a writer. One really bad night, when I felt I was ready to explode with emotions, I decided to use this technique... The most interesting thing about doing this is what you’ll discover once you read what you have written afterward. Usually sentences run into one another but some of the most insightful and poetic stuff tends of come out when you are writing from the heart. You’ll also get to see a glimpse of the REAL you, that inner voice in your head that keeps going around in circles about all the fear you’ve withheld inside. They’ll be laid out in the open and that will be scary, but afterward you’ll feel so much better. When you’re done, publish it online or set it aside. DON’T READ IT YET.

Get Up And Out You thought you were going to be able to read what you wrote didn’t you, well nope, not just yet. You’re going to get up and get out. Ok some of you might be groaning because it’s raining outside or its cold or its dark; whatever excuse you have come up with, drop them now. Don’t worry. I don’t want you to run a marathon. Just a 15 minute walk around the block. Use this as an excuse to take the dogs out for a walk, get some things at the shops or post a letter. Come up with reasons to head out for 15 minutes right now. Once you come back, join me again and you’ll get your reward. . .

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. Now that you’re back from your walk – you ARE back from your walk right? – Do you find you’re experiencing a new kind of relief as you sink into your seat? Moving gets your circulation going and injects your natural endorphins (happy feelings) into your system. This is why going out and moving is a key step to altering your state and focus. Now that you’re back, reward yourself by reading what you had written during the Instant Emotion Buster exercise. Do you feel you’re in a different state of mind than when you first began? While you’re reading take note of how it makes you feel and whether you still feel the same emotions as you did 15-20 minutes ago. The act of REWARDING yourself is very important in terms of motivating yourself and taking action. Trust me, there will be times when you don’t want to do what your rational brain wants you to do, but remember, taking action when you know you should, is what separates men who get what they want and men who only dream about it. Once you feel ready, I want you to take the Are You Emotionally Out Of Control Test below. Go here to take this quiz online.

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QUIZ: Are You Emotionally Out Of Control?

Circle Yes or No:

Do you feel sad right now?

Yes

No

Do you feel anxious right now?

Yes

No

Do you feel a great deal of emotional pain?

Yes

No

When you run through the details of your break up, do you want to burst

Yes

No

Yes

No

Yes

No

Yes

No

Yes

No

Do you feel you’d say YES to anything your ex girlfriend asks of you?

Yes

No

Do you still place blame for the break up on yourself and/or your ex

Yes

No

into tears? Do you think you’ll have a hard time moving on without your ex girlfriend? If you could talk to her right now, do you feel there’s a slight possibility you might break down and get emotional? Every time you’re reminded of her, do you go through the details of the break up in your head? Are you finding it hard to picture a happy/positive future without your ex girlfriend?

girlfriend? Mostly YES  Instead of telling you to revisit this chapter, I want you to keep in mind these are the emotions you MUST get under control if you want to be successful in attracting your ex girlfriend back in the upcoming chapters. Ashley Kay 26


Mostly No  You’re ready to move onto the next step.

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Step 2 - What Really Went Wrong The Straw That Broke The Camel’s Back

This is the most important Chapter in the whole book. It will not only give you insight into what really went wrong in your relationship, it will also give you a better understanding of yourself and what to look for and avoid in your NEXT relationship. In order to know what went wrong, let’s first look at what a relationship is made up of:

Relationship Needs – The Soul Of A Relationship There are 4 common needs we all require in a relationship: a. Love / Connection – the ability to relate to each other, communication, compassion, common goals/interests b. Physical Proximity – the physical distance between you and your partner on a regular basis c. Sex / Intimacy – passion, physical affection, sexual intimacy d. Security / Certainty – trust, comfort, stability and commitment If a person wanted to leave, that means one or more of these needs were lacking in the relationship. The interesting thing is, not everyone will weigh these with equal value. Someone who places Security above Love will act and expect different things from the relationship compared to someone who places Love above Security. Someone who places Love first, will always focus on receiving and giving Love before anything else. For them, Security; may it be financial or certainty in the relationship is not AS important as receiving and giving love. Therefore if Love is an element lacking in the relationship, they will eventually leave.

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You must evaluate how you would prioritize your own Relationship Needs in order of preference. It would also be beneficial for you to get inside your girl’s head and find out what her preference may look like as well.

The Big WHY of Your Break Up This section is all about getting you to understand: •

The biggest reason why women leave a relationship.

•

What the difference is between a short term relationship break up and a long term relationship break up.

You should have a pretty good idea of why your relationship failed after completing this section, so get ready to do some evaluating and some thinking! When it comes to women, they can seem extremely complicated compared to men. So what’s the secret to keeping a woman happy in a relationship? What is it that women REALLY want? What makes women LEAVE a relationship? These are most likely questions that will have plagued you ever since the break up, and sometimes even when you suspect you know the answer, you still won’t completely understand the real reasons why she left. I hope to shed some light on how women think and what ultimately pushes a woman over the edge and want to leave a man. Women are driven by distinct emotions and desires when seeking a relationship with a man. It’s these emotions we want to feel on a daily/regular basis: •

To feel loved, desired, wanted and appreciated

•

To feel secure and safe

•

To feel there is growth and progression Ashley Kay 29


What you need to understand is that women don’t “dominate” things like men do. We are used to getting the things we want by “influencing” the people around us. We don’t have the advantage of strength, power and size like men do. Women tend to want to empathize, understand and “follow” one another rather than LEAD like men do. Leading, controlling, seeking power are mostly MASCULINE traits. Sure women are forced to exhibit these traits if we want to rise to the top of our career, but it’s typically NOT in our nature to do so. You see, women (like men) need to see GROWTH in their environment. But unlike men, women get into relationships with an “end goal” in mind. It’s simply in our nature to entertain the idea of what it would be like to marry the guy we’re seeing or have kids with this guy we just started dating. If the guy we’re seeing is someone we can CONNECT emotionally with on a deep level, than naturally a woman will WANT to progress the relationship further down the road. Biologically speaking women inherently know there is a big red timer ticking over our heads telling us: •

We need to find a man to settle down with

•

AND then we need to have babies before I’m too old and not attractive enough to find a man to do it with!

This is basically how we think because women just do not age as well as men do, and we can only get pregnant within a certain time frame. Even though we’re living in the 21st Century where women don’t NEED to marry and have kids at a certain age anymore, a lot of women still feel the biological pressure that their ancestors felt. When a woman meets a man, she will subconsciously place him into one of these categories: Ashley Kay 30


•

Friend

•

Potential boyfriend material

•

Potential husband material

How do women evaluate whom goes in which pile? Well, that’s pretty easy. Here I’ll lay it out for you: Women evaluate men on these 3 things: •

Connection – there MUST be some emotional connection

•

Chemistry – is there sexual chemistry? Can you make her blush? Make her feel that “spark” in her belly when she is around you?

•

Nice Guy – Can she see you being able to protect her, provide for her and just make her feel good over the long term? Can she see you raising your kids together and being a part of the family?

All 3 components are crucial for a woman to START and STAY in a relationship with a man. If any of these 3 are lacking, then she will most likely LEAVE at some point. Now you may be thinking, “But I DO have all three of these qualities! We had connection, we had chemistry, I was extremely good to her, so what’s going on?” The problem is, YOU may have felt these things, but did SHE? If a woman isn’t feeling a connection from her man, or she doesn’t feel any “spark” with her man OR she believes her man isn’t treating her right nor will he treat her future kids right, then she’s going to pack up and leave! Why else would she stay? Remember that deadly timer over a woman’s head? She can’t AFFORD to stick around and find out what is going to happen in the future. After all, she isn’t going to get any younger!

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A woman constantly has these concerns when in a relationship. Now, a woman’s biggest problem isn’t that she can’t connect with a man. For a woman, connecting with men (and women) comes generally pretty easily. Most women will latch onto any guy who will listen and show interest in what she has to say. So connection is not really much of a problem. Chemistry on the other-hand CAN be tricky. A woman may feel chemistry off the bat and then LOSE it along the way OR simply never feel any chemistry at all. For men who can’t spark any type of chemistry with a woman, they will most commonly be dumped into the “friend” category. If chemistry is achieved early on in the relationship, it’s HIGHLY likely that she will want a relationship with you. In fact, because women are emotionally driven, she’ll think she’s more in love with you early on in the relationship than as the relationship later “matures”. This is what I commonly refer to as the “honeymoon” period. This lovey-dovey, everythingis-bliss stage generally lasts from one-month to a year (sometimes even 2 years). So what’s the MOST common reason for a woman to want out of a relationship? When going through these, think about which of the 3 categories above these belong to:

Lack of Commitment – Lack of Growth in the Relationship This is one of the most common reasons a woman will start to doubt her relationship. Like I said before, a woman enters a relationship first because she sees the guy as a “potential” husband or father. If she DIDN’T then you were just a casual fling. If after a certain period of time, she feels there is no growth and no progress in the relationship, she’s going to start to doubt whether the man she is with is “the one”.

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To understand our need for this constant growth in a relationship, you need to realize that women need constant “DAILY” reminders that the man we are with will NOT leave us and will stick around for the long haul. Small signs of commitment are ways of SHOWING a woman that you’re not going away anytime soon and she has nothing to worry about. The more you intertwine your life with hers, the more comfort she will feel (sort of like insurance) that you will not leave. Things like: •

Moving in together

•

Investing in a property/business together

•

Getting married

•

Having kids

•

Having joint savings accounts

Women need to feel this security from a relationship, without it, we become unstable, anxious and unhappy. *NOTE* On the reverse, sometimes it’s MEN who are pushing commitment too soon onto a woman. Generally I will say that if you get the feeling that your woman is backing away from you early on in the relationship, it’s a sign that you’re coming on WAY too fast and too strong.

Lack of Chemistry – Lack of Spark In the Relationship Women don’t seem to get “complacent” with relationships as much as men tend to. Maybe because we’re conditioned from birth to believe in a much more “romantic” and fairytalelike version of love – one that requires a lot of work on the men’s part to keep “sweeping us off our feet”.

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Therefore, if a woman stops feeling passion, lust and love towards the guy she is with, she’s going to feel essentially “dead” inside. Once again, in her mind, she’s not going to feel there is growth, nor see a happy future with her guy. This lack of passion doesn’t necessarily mean she has stopped loving you for good. It just means she doesn’t have lustful feelings towards you anymore. This is usually caused by a lot of different things; conflict within the relationship, tension, stress from outside circumstances, a lack of communication and therefore connection with her man, a lack of physical affection etc. All of these can contribute to a woman not feeling any spark towards her man. The common pitfall men fall into is being complacent in the relationship. If you’re not showing your woman she is loved, appreciated and “desired” on a daily basis, then she’s going to lose that spark for you overtime.

Lack of Security and Trust Like men, women need stability and certainty in a relationship. Often women still buy into the stereotype that men are more likely to cheat than women. Especially when older men are concerned, women always feel threatened by a “younger” woman. The biggest issue men have is the inability to be completely open with their woman. They might hold back because they want to avoid further arguments. Or perhaps they feel they are “protecting” their woman by withholding information and trying to deal with it on their own. This means being completely open and willing to communicate with your girl is extremely important. It’s more important the more insecure she is. You need to always make sure that she feels safe and secure with you, and you must do it by reassuring her whenever her insecurities surface.

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Lack of trust kills any relationship, and it certainly doesn’t matter who did the wrong deed first, once trust is bruised, it’s a lot harder to rebuild and gain back.

Lack of Connection & Communication Women absolutely NEED to be able to communicate with her man. The biggest pet peeve they have is when they know their man isn’t “listening” to them or they are simply ignored! Men, whatever you do, don’t ignore or shut your woman out! That is the ultimate nail in the relationship coffin. Women feed off the constant communication she has with her man. That’s why when men fail to communicate, women will start arguments, act unreasonable or do hurtful things simply to get a reaction out of her man. When a woman nags, complains or argues, don’t simply go off into lala land. This is the time when she needs you the most. If you look beyond what she is actually “saying” and feel the emotions that come over her instead, you’ll see there’s “hurt” inside. Men may get intimacy through sex and physical affection, women get intimacy through sharing a connection with her man. This involves sharing your feelings, having deep conversations and knowing that her man cares and understands her more than anyone else in the world. This is her way of getting close to you. Always keep this part of the relationship in check because the more distance there is in the relationship, the harder it is to feel close and “in love” with each other.

Misalignment of Your Social Values In The Relationship This is a big one! The sad part is, this misalignment of “values” can sneak up on you when you least expect it! This is when you are in a great relationship, thinking everything is wonderful, nothing has changed, she loves you, you love her, and then WHAM! – all of a sudden, she comes out with the “we need to talk line” and then it all goes downhill from there! Think of social value as how we fit into society on a scale from the lowest value being the homeless bum (0) to highest value being a hotshot celebrity (10). Ashley Kay 35


You’ll subconsciously consider yourself... say a 5 (in the middle between lowest and highest). When men and women go out to attract one another, they are always subconsciously looking for people who are of equal value to them. Now, how women judge the potential of a man’s value is very different to how a man will judge a woman’s value. Men judge a woman by the value she holds right now. A woman will judge a man by his POTENTIAL value in the future. So, if at the beginning of your relationship, you had a lot of drive, a lot of “mojo”, you were confident, smart and had a lot of great dreams. A woman will find that extremely HOT and will see that, even if you’re working at MacDonalds earning minimum wage, she’s going to place you a bit higher in the value scale than you actually deserve. Basically she’ll be more attracted to the POTENTIAL man you’re to become. Once again, this simply comes down to the fact that women want a man who can take care of her, and can provide for her and her children in the long run. So, say you get into a relationship, and after a while, the honeymoon period passes and you “settle” into the relationship. Some men will start to get “lazy” and stop chasing after those big dreams he had. Now at this point, the woman will re-evaluate her man’s “value” and if it isn’t quite living up to the value she had placed on him in the beginning of the relationship, she’s going to start to DOUBT the relationship. The more your values start to move away from one another, the more UNHAPPY a woman will become. This is more something that will bother women more than men – at least in the beginning. So, when you first started dating, you both had a value of 5. Then a year later, she gets a new job that pays more than you, she starts going to the gym, getting fit, meeting new people and getting a lot of new attention. Her value will go up to say 6 or 7.

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Now, in the meantime, say you lost your job or got demoted, and then proceeded to sit on the couch doing nothing, your value may go down to a 4. This misalignment of values will severely break down the relationship. It is never okay for a woman to be with a man of lesser value than her, she’ll instead seek a man who is always ABOVE her in value. On the other hand, a man wouldn’t care about that as much.

Okay, Let’s Recap What We’ve Learned Remember, when it comes to women, they just want to feel loved, desired, secure and safe with her man on a daily basis. If she doesn’t feel this way, overtime she is going to lose interest or become so unhappy that she will leave. Here are the top 5 reasons why women will leave a relationship. See how many you can identity in your own relationship. A woman will leave due to... 1. Lack of Commitment or Growth in the relationship 2. Lack of Chemistry in the relationship 3. Lack of Security and Trust 4. Lack of Connection 5. Misalignment of Social Values

Short Term Relationships

This isn’t something that is often talked about but short term relationships need to be approached slightly differently to long term relationships. This is mostly because Short Term

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usually implies that the “honeymoon” period is over and all evidence is showing “a girl who just isn’t that into you”.

Short Term relationships Let’s define what a Short Term relationship is: •

Relationship spanning 1 – 12 months.

•

One made up of primarily lust and passion instead of deep emotional connections.

Now, for most women, if she is willing to throw in the towel very quickly and easily, then it’s likely she just didn’t feel enough for you to want to stay. This has little to do with you but more to do with how much connection and chemistry she felt for you. Remember, one of the primary Relationship needs is: Love & Connection. If she didn’t feel enough connection with you, then her heart isn’t going to be in it for the long haul. Break ups like this often occur around a certain event. Eg. One of you had to move away, perhaps she was stressed from another divorce or work, perhaps you just received a new job in another state etc. Big transitional events like this in the first year of a relationship prove as a test of the true strength and bond of the relationship. If she felt as strongly about you as you did for her, then these events will simply be minor obstacles for both of you in the short term. If she is willing to call it quits so soon, then I’d bet she just didn’t feel enough for you to want to stick it through. Often a woman will create an event as an excuse to break up if there simply isn’t any other good reason for it. This is probably the hardest break ups to accept because there is little you can actually do to change her mind.

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And I agree. You can use re-attraction tactics on her and it would work in the short term. However the basis for a real relationship that lasts needs to be made of Love & Connection – and if the connection isn’t there, this makes it difficult to sustain her interest.

Exercise 2 - Why Your Ex Girlfriend Left

Write down in your Interactive Journal all the reasons you believe caused this break up to occur. Remember arguments you have had and how your ex girlfriend made you feel during the break up. Next write down how she might have felt during those moments. Try to get inside her head and come up with a reason why she reacted the way she did. Be honest with yourself. Put yourself in her shoes and go through the motions through her eyes. You might be surprised at what you might discover. Spend a good hour or so doing this and once you’re done, set it aside and walk away. Don’t try to over-analysis things, get it down and get it out of your system. Remember to practice, the Complete Control Technique:  Be Grateful.  Get Focused.  Find a Solution.  Take Action. Do this at least once a day if you can. Make it into a habit so you know you are mentally and emotionally prepared for the later chapters to come.

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Step 3 – Inside The Female Mind

Secrets About Your Woman That Could Save You From Another Break Up How would you like to get inside your girl’s head? How would you like to know the telltale signs that a girl is contemplating leaving a relationship? How can you use this to save your relationship before it’s too late? “Most women will NOT leave a relationship unless there’s another potential guy on the sidelines.” Unlike men, women are often vocal about it when they’re unhappy in a relationship. Often, women really do want things to work out but their way of trying to get a man to “change” and fix her problems usually end up being a big bitch and nag session about what you aren’t doing right, how you’re not good enough and why you never do this or that. Basically, making you feel inferior and useless as a man. A man’s natural reaction to this is to clam up and proceed to make the situation worse by not talking about it, or going about it the wrong way. When a woman is unhappy from continually trying to “resolve” issues with her man, at some point she’s going to reach her breaking point and say “enough is enough”. At least, that’s how it “should” be most of the time. The truth is though most women are extremely loyal to her man and will not leave him unless she finds someone else to replace him fairly quickly. Women just don’t like to be alone and the more a woman depends on a relationship or on a man in a relationship, the less likely she’ll jump ship without another guy waiting in line already. Women who don’t do this are most likely the independent types that didn’t rely a whole deal on the relationship in the first place. Ashley Kay 40


So, here are some early warning signs that your relationship is on the rocks and it’s up to you to save it before another guy enters the picture and steals her away!

She Has Distanced Herself From The Relationship Here’s some clues that a woman is slowly starting to detach herself emotionally from her relationship. These are very telling signs that she is falling out of love, and you need to do something FAST. •

She is isolated from society where she doesn’t go out, see anyone or do anything.

•

She is doing the same routine thing day after day.

•

She is chatting up other guys on the internet or spending a lot of time with coworkers at work.

•

She often goes out without you.

•

She doesn’t try to plan anything to do with you anymore (essentially given up on having dates with you).

•

She is more content doing her own thing then spending time with you.

Her Social Value Is Moving Away From Yours Like we talked about in Why Women Leave, a woman will seriously start to doubt her man and the relationship if her value starts moving further and further away from yours. Here’s some clues that you need to get a move on so you can catch up to her before she leaves you for a better man. •

She gets a new job that is of higher status than yours, or is promoted to a much higher position than you.

•

You have just lost your job and instead of being proactive and looking for work, you fall into depression instead (be careful of this one!)

•

She gets into self-improvement, starts working out a whole lot, meeting new people and dreaming bigger dreams than before. It is CRUCIAL that you are supportive of her dreams and NOT put her down (no matter how outrageous you may think it is). Ashley Kay 41


•

She starts to befriend people who are of higher social status than her usual friends and more importantly, to you.

Keep in mind, it’s not a bad thing if your girlfriend starts to do better than you, but what IS bad is if you start to become bitter over the fact, or want to hold her back OR don’t do anything to improve yourself even when she tries to help you. These are things that cause tension and stress in the relationship, so keep in mind you need to always have your OWN goals separate from hers.

She Stops Wanting Sex This is a big one! If she used to be someone who loved sex all the time, but now rarely wants it or initiates anymore, it’s a sign that she is dealing with too much stress or unhappiness in her life. Contrary to popular belief, women DO need and crave sex on a regular basis. The problem is that how much we want sex depends on how happy we feel about life in general and of course, the relationship as well. If you’re not putting in the effort to make her feel loved and appreciated throughout the day, then it’s unlikely she’ll feel in the mood to give you any loving at night. Lack of interest in sex is also a sign that she isn’t all that sexually attracted to you anymore and that could be due to the unresolved issues in your relationship.

She Is Generally Unhappy In the Relationship This is the most obvious one, but it’s important you don’t simply gloss over it and put your head in the sand when you DO see your woman unhappy. Her lack of happiness may have NOTHING to do with you, but it WILL affect the relationship. So if she has depression, or something bad happens that puts her in a negative mood most of the time, it’s important that you are SUPPORTIVE of her and always try to keep the mood light and upbeat.

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If you just sort of ignore her because you don’t know what to do and you hope she’ll “get over it”, that’s really the wrong way to go about it. This would be the time when she needs you the most, so if you have to sacrifice a bit of enjoyment time to get her needs sorted, then that’s what you have to do.

Why Is She Doing This to Me?

Have you asked yourself this question lately? Why is she doing this to me? If your ex girlfriend’s behaviour is baffling you and you’d like some straight answers, you’ve come to the right place. First of all, I believe that exes are not always clear-cut ex partners. That’s because if you have ever loved someone, you don’t simply stop loving them the minute you “break up”. Human beings tend to fall in love 10x faster than we do when falling out of love. Falling out of love is in fact very difficult with all things considered. With that said, once you understand female psychology, her actions will suddenly make a whole lot more sense and you’ll discover things you never would have before: There are 3 emotions a woman will feel directly after a break up, her actions are largely dictated by one or more of these emotions: •

Guilt

•

Lust

•

Love

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The problem with these emotions is that they’re known as “Present Feelings”. They’re emotions that come and go and due to their extremity, your ex girlfriend may or may not act on them. To further explain how these emotions govern your ex’s feelings, here’s the most common ex behaviours to watch out for and what emotion your girl is actually feeling when doing them.

She Shows Emotions (Good or Bad) Towards You = Love If your woman is showing negative emotions towards you – it’s because she is still “hurt” from the break up. What causes hurt is not “indifference” to you, but actually LOVE. If you love someone, you’re usually more likely to be hurt by them too. So although she may appear to “hate you”, she is actually trying to hide the part of her that still loves you.

She Keeps Irregular Contact = Guilt & Love If your woman keeps some sort of contact but it’s irregular – it’s because she misses you but doesn’t want to “chase you”. Once a woman makes a big decision like to break up, she will want to stick to her word for as long as she can. Chasing you at this point would give you the wrong idea, and she needs to stick to her decision.

She Does Things to Evoke a Reaction = Guilt & Love If your girl does something that you suspect may be just to get a reaction out of you, then it’s likely she is doing it out of guilt and/or love for you. Actions that fall under this category are: posting pictures of her with other guys on Facebook, flaunting her new boyfriend around, does anything out of the ordinary that you suspect is to get your attention.

She Uses Push/Pull Psychology On You = Lust & Love If your woman is acting hot and cold to you, it’s common that she is feeling emotions of lust and/or love. It’s not unusual for a woman to insist that you’re “just friends” and then continue to depend on you emotionally. In this instance she is using the fact that you still

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have feelings for her to her advantage. That’s why it’s important to set boundaries and not allow her to take advantage of you. Remember, these emotions are TEMPORARY and often give her instant gratification to her emotions. It’s PARAMOUNT that you do NOT fall for her tactics! Look, here’s the truth, your woman will experience moments of weakness where she’ll miss you, want to see you, talk to you or even go to the opposite extremes of hating you. These are her emotions coming forth and dominating her immediate actions. They do NOT matter! Now, this may seem confusing but I want you to FORGET all these emotions your ex may be feeling: Guilt, Lust or Love. These emotions don’t matter because they’re all manifestations of her feelings for you POST break up. All you need to know is that she still has feelings for you after the break up, and these feelings are NOT the same as feelings she felt while in the relationship! But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing! (She did leave based on feelings she felt for you during your relationship.) I get a lot of clients ask me about their ex’s behaviours and what they should do and what it all means. I mostly tell them the same thing - that it doesn’t matter what your ex is doing. Your ex girlfriend’s actions are dictated by emotions that are FLEETING for the most part. The only thing they seem to do is give you setbacks! Do NOT assume because she is calling you at all hours of the night and wanting to sleep with you, that by giving her what she wants she’ll come back. It doesn’t. Do NOT assume because she is ignoring all your calls and messages that she is moving on and you’re just a distant memory in her mind. It doesn’t. Ashley Kay 45


Do NOT assume because she says she is in love with Mark that she is not still in love with you. If you take action based on assumptions you’ll more likely to make mistakes and possibly create bigger rifts between you and your girl. If you’re going to do something, do it because you feel it is the RIGHT thing to do, not because of what you think she wants. In Section II – The Plan, I’ll give you my step by step blueprint to winning her back.

NOTE About Being Friends Let your ex know “firmly” that you can not be friends with her. Not allowing yourself to be friends is a “gentler” way of saying “you’re pulling all contact from her”. Once you present the “idea” of cutting off all contact (remember it’s just an “idea” not something you’re going to do). This will often trigger levels of “uncertainty” in her mind and will make her want to “chase you”. This is what you want. Women want what they can’t have. If you make her believe, she can’t “have” you in any way shape or form, that’s when the table will turn.

Already Friends? It’s ok if you have already told your ex you’re willing to be friends. Work through the rest of this book as normal. If the ONLY way your ex will maintain contact with you is if you “agree to be friends”, then ok, agree to be friends. It is better to be in contact than not. Just remember you must still follow the rest of the system as normal.

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Note: It is hard to stick to everything I’ve covered in this chapter if you’re still emotionally a wreck over your ex. This is exactly why I want you to get in control of your emotions as quickly as possible. Refer to I. Understanding & Analysis

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Step 4 – Do You Really Want Her Back? Now that you understand why your ex girlfriend left, her thought-process during the break up and why she’s hesitant to get back together right now, let’s have a look at whether it’s in YOUR best interest to take her back in the first place. You might be tempted to skip this section as the entire reason you invested in this system was to get your ex girlfriend back! However, this part is all about understanding more about YOU and why you are drawn to the type of relationships you are drawn to. •

If you know you should move on but can’t...

•

If you know you can find someone else but don’t want to...

•

If you constantly find yourself in similar relationships that just don’t work out...

This section will help you identify why and remove any type of conflicting feelings within you. Someone having conflicting wants and needs can cause them great stress and trauma. Just imagine the times when you feel like you’re battling a great “war” within yourself, one side of you pulling one way yet another is pulling you somewhere else. That’s not the most pleasant feeling and oftentimes you’ll find yourself immobilized because you keep being pulled in two different directions. Let’s sort out all those messy conflicts nested in you right now. Once you remove the splinter that is causing you a lot of heartache, you’ll be able to move towards a happy and healthy relationship. The first step is to realize there IS conflict inside and whether it’s your heart telling you one thing and your head telling you another, there is a key reason the two don’t agree. Deep down, you want MORE! More love out of your relationship, more connection, more affection, more attention and more harmony. Because of this, when our relationships Ashley Kay 48


are not where we want them to be, we usually suffer and other areas in our life tends to suffer as well. The conflict comes from having beliefs about what a relationship should look like. Now, where do these beliefs come from? Interestingly it’s not a part of some master plan your subconscious has for you. They’re simply little “rules” or lessons you have picked up along the way that you just decided you’ll follow - with no real advantages or meanings as to why. For example, if you believe you’re someone who needs to “fix” women all the time to feel needed, you’ll constantly attract women with issues, or baggage and keep putting yourself in unhealthy relationships due to your need to want to “help” and “fix” women. The thing is, we don’t question our beliefs enough! We simply decide and then mindlessly stick to these decisions. Remember the rule of needing to be consistent with your own beliefs and values? If you don’t know how to have more control of what you believe in, you’ll turn into someone blindly following rules that you set for yourself 5, 10, 15 years ago. Does that sound insane or what? Of course there is a reason we don’t question our beliefs all the time. A lot of us define ourselves by our beliefs and values. If we are to question those things, it means we’ll end up with an identity crisis. That’s when you freak out because you don’t know who you are or what “rules” you should be following. That is why many of us stick with our beliefs without questioning them, which works great until you have beliefs that contradict each other and work against you. Eg. your beliefs about relationships. So let’s find out whether your beliefs about relationships are working for you or against you. You need to be completely honest with yourself as you answer these questions: 1. Why do I want a relationship? 2. What are the things that make me NOT want a relationship? Ashley Kay 49


3. What do I believe makes up a good relationship? 4. What does my girlfriend have to do for me to feel loved? 5. What does my girlfriend have to do for me to feel unloved? (Eg. Pissed off, angry, upset) 6. What are 3 fears that I have consistently while in a relationship? Fill out your answers within your Interactive Journal right now. After answering these you should have a much better understanding of what a “relationship” looks like to you. You might be surprised to find that some things do conflict with each other. Let’s give you some examples using a fictitious character named John. If John were to fill out the questions, here would be some of his answers. Why do I want a relationship? Because I want to feel loved by someone and have a connection with someone. What are the things that make me NOT want a relationship? I don’t want a relationship because the women I attract always end up hurting me or cheating on me.

So when John find himself in a relationship, he will be careful not to invest too much of himself, because his belief is he will eventually get hurt. Once he has that thought, it will come through in his actions and this will eventually make his belief come true. He WILL end up being hurt and then he’ll say to himself “See, I predicted this would happen!” Not realizing that he, in fact, was the one making it all happen.

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John will continue to seek relationships, one after the other, only to experience the same cycle again. Eventually he might conclude that there is something wrong with him and stay away from relationships altogether, OR even worse, ACCEPT that that’s how things are meant to be! Let’s move on... What do I believe makes up my ideal relationship? I believe a good relationship is one where we connect emotionally and physically on a regular basis. Here’s what I believe must be present in my ideal relationship: •

Active and healthy sex life

•

Communication

•

Understanding

Now, I’d ask John to look back at his last relationship (the one that he wants back), “Does your last relationship live up to your ideal relationship?” If John’s answer was no, then he needs to ask himself, “Why do I want back a relationship that was not ideal, by my own definitions?” Can you see there is conflict when John can clearly define what makes up a good relationship? Why do you think he would want to return to a relationship that wasn’t living up to his ideal standards? Let’s move on to John’s next few answers: What does my girlfriend have to do for me to feel loved?

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I believe my girlfriend must always ask for my opinion before doing something. She must agree with me and my opinions. She must never look or talk about other guys. She must have sex with me at least xx times a month. She must give me affection every day. What does my girlfriend have to do for me to feel unloved? She must go against what I say. When she talks to other guys behind my back. When she denies me sex for over a month. When she ignores me. What are 3 fears that I have while in a relationship? 1. That she’ll leave me. 2. That I can’t trust her. 3. That she won’t love me as much as I love her.

When answering the questions: •

What does my girlfriend have to do for me to feel loved?

•

What does my girlfriend have to do for me to feel unloved?

Try to be as specific as I have been in my examples. The reason is sometimes you may find that your requests can be hard to meet! Ashley Kay 52


For example, in John’s case: One of his beliefs for “feeling unloved” was: •

When she talks to other guys behind my back.

One day, he’s going to discover that she has been talking to a male co-worker or a male friend she hasn’t seen for a long time over Facebook or Skype, and then he will be furious and hurt that she has gone “behind his back” to talk to this other guy. Do you think it’s wise that he has the belief that his girlfriend “doesn’t love him” simply because she was talking to another guy on Skype? What do you think he’ll be thinking when she is caught talking to other men? Perhaps she’s cheating on him with this other guy? All John had to do was ask the same question to himself. Had HE ever talked to a girl who was just a friend? Had he caught up with a friend who was a girl just for lunch or a drink? If you’re in the position of constantly questioning your woman, give her the benefit of the doubt. Don’t instantly jump to the wrong conclusions because doing so is going to hurt her and build a bigger wedge between you. What I want you to get out of doing this exercise is your beliefs about love is not necessarily the same as someone else’s beliefs about love. We all hold different associations and meanings to different things. If your ex girlfriend were to fill out the questions above, it would differ greatly from your own. Re-attracting her back and keeping her happy in a relationship is only a matter of understanding how women think and what she wants in a relationship, not what you think she may want.

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Alright, we’ve had a lot of thinking to do today so to end this section I just want you to do one more quiz. This will really push home whether your decision to want the relationship back is justified or not. Go here to take this quiz online.

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QUIZ: Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex Girlfriend? Imagine for a second that she is at your door and practically BEGGED you to take her back. Only under one condition... that nothing will have changed and she will not change herself for you. Your relationship will simply resume back to the way it was, problems and all. If under those circumstances, before taking the leap and instantly accepting her back, ask yourself the following questions first:

1.

She doesn’t come between me, my friends and my family.

True

False

2.

She is extremely supportive of me and all of my wants.

True

False

3.

I’m sure she will be willing to place my needs ahead of her own.

True

False

4.

I am happy to accept her for who she is, without the desire to change

True

False

anything about her. 5.

Her beliefs and values about life match up with my own.

True

False

6.

I see a happier and much more fulfilling future with her in my life.

True

False

7.

I believe she will not force me to make compromises for her in this

True

False

True

False

True

False

relationship. 8.

I find she makes me incredibly happy. I’d rather live my life with her than without her.

9.

I don’t believe we’ll break up again and it’s not just wishful thinking.

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10.

I believe she will be willing to work through any problems in the

True

relationship with me.

Mostly TRUE  You should try to get back together with your ex girlfriend. Mostly FALSE  Are you SURE you really want her back in your life? There are many things that must be addressed by you and her if you want to get back together. This needs to be an ongoing thing. Even if you DO get back together, you should work on the issues above that you answered FALSE for.

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False


II. The Plan

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Step 1 – Make Her Chase You Your Man Factor

Now we’re getting to the fun part of the plan. Winning your ex girlfriend back is all about understanding how women work and what triggers will make her chase after you. The quickest way to change the dynamic between you and your girl is to alter your mindset and your attitude. “Attitude is EVERYTHING when it comes to luring women.” If you want to get your woman to chase you easily, you must first change your attitude and your mindset. This is the CORE part of the plan because it affects everything that you do from how you talk to her to the subconscious messages you will send to her brain. All of this affects how she’ll respond to you and how quickly she’ll chase you and want you back. As a man, you must understand that you already have within you the power to lure her in and keep her interest hooked. After all, your biggest advantage is the previous bond you have created together. If she fell in love with you once, she can fall in love with you again. At first, altering your attitude is something you need to do consciously. This early part of the training reprograms your mind to think like a confident and sexy guy until you do it automatically and it becomes habitual. The more you do, the better you’ll get and the more natural it will become to you.

Your Man Factor What sort of man are women naturally attracted to? Here’s the core attraction attributes women look for in a man. I’ve combined it to call it Your Man Factor.

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1. Masculinity – do not mistake this as you needing to be some kind of alpha male. It’s about bringing out your individual manliness. Each man has their own “style” of being a man. This makes you unique and something that will attract women to you BECAUSE of your uniqueness. 2. Ambition – a man who has ambition is always higher up on the value scale than men who don’t have ambition. Each man should have a dream for his life, for the man he wants to become and for the family he’ll eventually want to have – map out yours and be strong about going after those things that matter to you. It will make you super confident and super attractive to any woman who crosses your path. 3. Inner Strength – having inner strength is about knowing who you are, being confident about who you are and not backing down just to “please” someone else. This strength is about voicing your opinions, about standing up for what you believe in and about having the confidence to believe in yourself and know what is “best” for you - that is extremely attractive to a woman. To best attract your ex girlfriend, you need to raise your social value by focusing on Your Man Factor when you’re around her. During a break up, this is the time when you feel the LEAST masculine, ambitious or strong, right? I mean, if you were just dumped or rejected by your girlfriend, your self-esteem will be at an all time low. Your Man Factor is something you need to program yourself to feel each morning when you wake up and reinforce everyday for the next 30 days. Here’s a few tips for doing this:

Step 1: Become The Man You Want To Be By Changing Your Physiology There’s a theory that how we feel inside isn’t just about what we’re thinking or feeling about a certain situation but how our body is reacting to it at the same time.

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Now, when you’re sad, what do you do with your body? You may be hunched over, your head down, your eyes more closed than open and your voice is usually flat or low. That is the universal body language for feeling sad or depressed. Contrast that with when you’re happy or excited about something. What kind of things do you do with your body then? You may be standing more upright, your eyes are wide, your voice is louder with a lot of variety of tone and you’re overall more animated. This is also the universal body language for feeling happy or excited. How we move our body is usually governed by how we feel inside, BUT, if you want a shortcut to having The Man Factor even when you don’t feel like it, you can trick your body into thinking you have the attitude first. Like I said, this is about training yourself to be aware of your attitude each day. If you wake up feeling lousy, tell yourself: “I may feel terrible now, but I can choose NOT to feel like this.” You can do this by moving, speaking and interacting as the man you want to be: move with confidence, talk with passion and just getting yourself into the right frame of mind. It’s NOT going to be easy at first. Of course when you first start doing it, it’s going to feel fake. In your head you may be thinking: “Geez, this is stupid, I don’t feel all that good so how can I act like it?” But trust me, it takes very little time for your head to catch up with your body. The more you can fake being the ultra women magnet that you are, the more you’ll actually start to be. Your mind won’t be able to tell the difference after a short period of time. Here’s a simple exercise to demonstrate what I mean: Put on the BIGGEST smile you can. Not just a small one, but the biggest one you can muster. Make it reach your eyes and grin so big your cheeks hurt. Now... try to be sad at the same time. Can you do it?

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This is why laughter is one of the best medicines and being genuinely happy CAN save lives and make people healthier. Remember your body movement is directly tied to your body chemistry. Here’s another exercise: I want you to get up and walk around the room with CONFIDENCE. Make sure you’re alone or you may just end up looking a bit odd to other people around. But do it anyway. Make sure your movements are strong and certain. Now, while you’re doing this, do you feel shy? Insecure? It’s actually tougher than you first thought huh! You can’t feel confident without acting confident, but if you are acting confident, you can trick yourself to feel confident sooner or later.

Step 2: Become The Man You Want to Be By Changing Your Inner Conversation You are always having conversations with yourself in your head. And believe it or not, the conversation you have greatly governs how you feel about yourself, your attitude and how you are perceived by others. Your Man Factor is about constantly having a conversation with yourself that reinforces the principles that make you attractive to women: to feel independent, strong and someone women would want to get to know. Here’s an example of a conversation with yourself: “Wow, I look pretty suave today. I should really dress like this more often cos I’m damn handsome.” “I’m really excited about this latest project I’m involved in, and if I’m excited, I want others to be excited too!” Ashley Kay 61


“I have some great and wonderful attributes that I need to share with others more often.” “I’m a successful, independent and driven man who deserves a woman who appreciates and loves all these qualities of mine too.” “I haven’t had the greatest luck with women YET, but I’ve gotten better and I’m learning something new every day.” “I know I’m a great catch, I just need to allow myself to be more open to new things.” That inner conversation you have with yourself MUST be 99% positive. In other words, when you talk to yourself, go EASY on yourself. Look, so many of us walk around saying the meanest things to ourselves. Things like: “God, I’m such an idiot/loser/nobody.” “How can anyone love me when I can’t even stand myself.” “I’m ugly/fat/undesirable.” “Why am I so stupid/so dumb/such a loser/so clueless with women?” I mean, come on! If these are things you wouldn’t even say to your worst enemy, why would you say it about yourself? The best way to get rid of all negative conversations in your head is to replace it with a predetermined dialogue that actually helps you obtain and maintain confidence whenever you need it. Here’s an exercise for you to do. Whenever you catch yourself saying anything that doesn’t reinforce Your Man Factor, come up with some positive and encouraging things to say instead. Here’s a few I came up with:

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•

“I don’t need a woman to be happy, I want a woman to share my happiness with.”

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“I deserve a woman who makes me happy and puts effort into the relationship.”

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“I’m confident I can solve this problem.”

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“I may not be successful yet, but I will be.”

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“I’m definitely more interesting and confident than other men.”

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“I’m way more caring, unique and special than other men.”

As well as the internal dialogue in your head, you can also program yourself to say positive things during normal everyday conversation. Make jokes about being good looking, smart, better than superstars etc. If you do it in a joking sort of way, people won’t think you’re obnoxious and full of yourself. For example, when a friend gives you a compliment: “Hey, that looks really good on you!” You can say in a joking manner: “Well, duh, of course it does. Everything looks good on me.” Believe it or not, saying things like this, even though you’re being light-hearted subconsciously TRAINS your mind to actually believe in what you’re saying. Although, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, in the long run, it makes a HUGE difference to your self-esteem.

Step 3: Become The Man You Want To Be By Changing Your Physical Appearance You can raise your value instantly by the way you carry yourself in public. Things like, walking with confidence, having an easy smile, using intelligent comments/ wit and dressing smart. If you want to be a successful business man, start dressing and acting like a successful business man. This is a trick that many successful people did when they were starting out to trick their mind into believing they were ALREADY successful. Ashley Kay 63


It may feel silly at first, but you’ll see the more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll be doing these things. Not only does it instantly raise your value in society’s eyes but you’ll trick yourself into believing you’re really someone of value and worth too! Of course, it helps to reinforce this attitude into your mindset first thing each morning to get you in the right mood. Creating social value is also about the ability to connect with people and influence them to like and respect you. This is your social proof. The confidence you will gain from having the respect of others cannot be underestimated. I also suggest getting yourself a male role model. By mimicking others who are already at a level you want to be, you can shortcut your progress significantly. Of course, use this as a GUIDE only – ultimately you want to be your OWN man.

Your Homework For The Next 30 Days Now that you understand how vital Your Man Factor is to your success, here’s what I want you to do for the next 30 days: 1. Map out the potential man you want to become – from how you will look, how you’ll walk and talk, down to how you’ll make other people feel. 2. Find yourself at least 1 male role model that you can model your success after. Someone whose values and beliefs align with yours so you can look to them as the physical “goal” you’re trying to become. 3. Create the right Man Factor attitude first thing each morning and carry that with you for the rest of the day. Do this no matter what because it will affect every part of the ERS plan! If you think this is too much work, then ask yourself what you’d really be losing out on by doing this. A few minutes of your morning?

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The hardest part can be to get started, so I suggest you get out your interactive journal and a pen, and start mapping out the man you want to become right now. I expect you to get going within the next 3 seconds... 1... 2... 3...

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Step 2 – The Seed Letter Re-Capture Her Attention

Now, having this newfound confidence is great but if your ex girlfriend isn’t around to see all this improvement you’re making, then what good is it? I knew you were going to say that – first allow me to drill into you again, your attitude is everything and it’s the thing that will make her chase you! So please do the exercise above before you continue. Now that’s out of the way, let’s turn our attention to removing her current resistance to wanting to chase you to begin with.

The Seed Letter Before I give you the exact Seed Letter to use to capture her interest, let’s see if you are emotionally ready first. There is nothing worse than thinking you’re emotionally ready for contact, and then losing it once you actually get a call from your ex girlfriend or worse when she shows up at your door. You want to be as prepared as possible so you know what you’re doing and what your next step will be.

When Should You Send This Letter? In the original Ex Recovery System, I had devised a formula to help people pinpoint when they should seek first contact with an ex. I found this wasn’t always applicable because a lot of people were at different points of the break up: some people were in irregular contact, some exes wanted to be friends and other situations where the ex may be doing most of the contacting anyway. So I decided to improve this section so it was more applicable to most situations. Ashley Kay 66


So what is the Seed Letter for? “The Seed Letter is purely to capture her interest.” With this in mind, the TIMING of the letter is crucial to get right. If you send the letter too soon, it will only raise SUSPICION. That’s the last thing you want her to do. The original First Contact Formula was kind of complicated and needed improvements. This time, I’ve simplified things even further. Actually, it’s rather simple... Write and send the Seed Letter as soon as you meet these criteria! 1. You must accept and agree with her decision to separate. 2. You must have made changes and have exciting news to share. 3. Once you send the Seed Letter you must not contact her and move onto Step 3: Removing Her Resistance. If you don’t meet all three of the above, then don’t send it until you do! Okay, that’s my warning for you, now that you’re aware of it let’s get onto what this letter should say. The key elements in the letter are: •

Keep the letter extremely short, LESS than 150 words! (Better if it’s less than 100 words)

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Apologize for any outstanding behaviour

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Show understanding and acceptance (you’re on HER side)

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Have exciting news to share, something you have changed or are changing about yourself

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Prompt HER to call you first (remember you’re no longer going to chase her, she needs to be doing the work)

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Show excitement through your words and use of exclamation marks!

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NOT in contact with your ex at all? Use this letter template: Hey baby! I just wanted to send a quick message and apologize for my behaviour lately. I understand what you mean now and I just don’t want to fight anymore. On other news, I’m finally putting my band together! I’m really excited about some of the things that are coming up and I think I’m finally enjoying where things are headed! Maybe I’ll tell you about it one day... Call me if you ever want to chat. Talk later, Your Name

In contact with your ex? Use this letter template: If you’re in contact with your ex, I suggest you slowly DECREASE how often you do talk on the phone or see each other in person for the next 30 days. It’s important that she notices you clearly pulling away from her, this is how you capture her attention if you’re in current contact. To prepare for this letter, stop contacting her as often and then send this once distance is achieved. Hey baby! I’ve being super busy lately, so sorry if I’m responding to you late. I had a think about it and I understand where you are coming from about the break up. I just don’t want us to fight anymore. Anyway, on other news, I’m finally putting my band together! I’m really excited about some of the things that are coming up and I think I’m finally enjoying where things are headed! Ashley Kay 68


Maybe you can come watch us play sometime! Anyway, talk later Your Name

Notice that in the second Seed Letter example, I did NOT include the “Call me...” line. That’s because if you’re in constant contact already the letter will already imply that she does this. It is only if you’re NOT in contact, she may receive the letter and need a prompt to actually call you. Alright, let’s break down all the key elements present in this letter. This letter is only about 81-90 words long. You don’t want your ex to open up the letter and be overwhelmed by pages and pages of text. Keep it short! “I just wanted to send a quick message and apologize for my behaviour lately.” Once again, reinforce that it’s a quick message and you didn’t spend hours on it. Apologize for your behaviour if there’s any behaviour you need to apologize for. “I understand what you mean now and I just don’t want to fight anymore.” Shows you accept her point of view and understand where she is coming from. This is very important if you want to remove her resistance. Saying you don’t want to fight anymore also shows change and a new you. “On other news, I’m finally putting my band together! I’m really excited about some of the things that are coming up and I think I’m finally enjoying where things are headed!” This paragraph is the KEY of the letter! You must show your life is moving ahead and you’re EXCITED about the changes. This will trigger that curiosity side in your ex and make her want to pursue you for contact. If only to find out what that “new” thing is. “Maybe I’ll tell you about it one day...” Ashley Kay 69


This line leaves the door open for future contact but also outlines that you intend to give her space. There’s no pressure from you anymore. “Call me if you ever want to chat.” This gives your ex girlfriend a subtle embedded command as to what to do after she has read your letter. “Call me” is a command so you need to make sure it is included at the beginning of the sentence. This is a key factor to making this work. As you can see, there is not a lot of difference between the “Contact with Ex” Letter and The “Not in Contact with Ex” Letter. The biggest difference is actually what you do before and after you send this letter. If you’re NOT in contact, send this letter once you have all the elements in place and you’re emotionally ready for more contact from your ex. If you’re in contact, your aim is to pull back from your ex, and this letter is simply to say that you’re pulling back even more because she doesn’t know everything that is going on with you. For best results, do not deviate too much from these letter templates. I’ve had clients create 300+ word letters even though I had advised them not too. The longer the letter is, the LESS effective it will be. Keep it super short, get straight to the point and then finish and post! If you live locally, send a handwritten letter. If your ex is a long distance lover, an email will be fine.

WARNING! Do not mention the word “friends”. You don’t want to be locked into the “friends” category. Mentioning you want to give her space implies you will NOT contact her after this letter.

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Now you may wonder, why go through all the preparation for contact when I’m not even going to contact her? The aim of the letter is to pique her interest. NOT for you to chase her even more. She needs to make the rest of the moves. The second reason for going through the preparation first is when you send this letter it is VERY likely she will contact you. If she does, you must make sure that you are emotionally and mentally ready for it. Before sending the letter, make sure there IS change in your life first. Aim to do just one thing new that you may include in your letter. •

Start a new hobby/activity.

•

Do something that interests you.

•

Book an event, outing, fun activity ahead of time.

Look back on the things you’ve always wanted to do OR even better, always told your ex you wanted to do, but never did. Now is the perfect time to start doing it. If you can pick something that has been an issue in the past between you and your ex, that’s an even more added bonus.

What to do if you don’t hear back from your ex? Whether or not you hear back from your ex after contact, move onto the Next Chapter. Whatever you do, you MUST NOT contact her!

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Step 3 – Remove Her Resistance Rediscover The Best of You

Okay, the next part of the plan is simple. In order to get her to chase you, you must REMOVE yourself from her life! A girl can’t chase you if you’re always there to talk to, always willing to see her and always want to please her. There is only ONE rule for the next 30 days. “Focus on You, You and more of YOU!” How do you climb a mountain? One step at a time. The step doesn’t have to be large, but it does need to be consistent. We’re going to focus on transforming your mental, physical and spiritual self. Each element is designed to create a women magnet aura of confidence and attitude that will help you attract the woman you want. There is no better time to do this than directly after a break up. Break ups can bring out the worst in people. Emotionally it is very draining. But the liberating thing is directly after you go through the toughest times of your break up, you are forced to view everything differently. Eg. your future, your goals, your image, who you are as a person (not as someone’s boyfriend) and what you want out of your life. Once you emerge from re-evaluating your life, you’ll feel a new sense of empowerment. You’ll be stronger and more willing to tackle the challenges ahead. By understanding yourself to a higher degree, you’ll be able to protect yourself from repeating past mistakes and catch issues before they have a chance to snowball into big unstoppable enemies.

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Embrace Your Freedom “The first step is to enjoy being single!” You’ve heard the saying, “you can’t love someone unless you love yourself first”. In order to attract the things you want, you need to be someone who is deserving of all those things. That means learning and appreciating the things that make up you as a person, and falling in love with all those aspects of yourself. The reason it’s better to do this while you are single is because a relationship “by default” tend to make you feel better about yourself. When you’re in a relationship there is a girl to tell you how wonderful you are, how much you are loved and how special you are. That is great, but it also takes away the need for YOU to reaffirm these things for yourself. What eventually happens if you’re in a relationship long enough is that you become so used to someone else validating how great you are, that once that person is gone, you’re left feeling miserable, alone and empty. You don’t “feel” great anymore, you don’t “feel” special anymore, and that’s all because you relied too much on someone else confirming those things for you. Lesson #1 – When you need to feel good about yourself, look to yourself instead of others. The answer is already there.

How to Start Being Single Being single is a mindset not a curse or disease. When you’re single you’re “free”. You don’t need to worry about another girl. You look after taking care of your needs and your needs only. If you want something, you don’t have to stop and think whether your girl would want it too. You take what you want, when you want and you’re free to do what you want (within reason). Ashley Kay 73


Being single is about doing the things that make you happy. Some people find this scary and others find it extremely liberating. Others have the “single” mindset even when they’re in a relationship. But let’s replace the word “single” with “independent”. So where do we start?

Step 1: Clear Your Ex Girlfriend OUT You need to start living and breathing independence. Embrace it instead of shying away from it. It will not only empower you, you’ll gain control of your emotions and the upperhand in your relationship. Start by removing everything in your life that reminds you of your ex. Go through your house and pack away everything that holds some sort of emotional association with your ex girlfriend. Find everything that reminds you of her and your relationship together, eg photos, messages, love letters, gifts and store them away in a box. Get on the computer and gather everything into its own folder. Include instant message conversations, emails, photos etc. Burn it to a CD and put it away along with the rest of the stuff. Write your ex’s contacts on a piece of paper and delete all of her contact information from your phone and/or computer. Don’t worry this isn’t permanent, but it is important to remove all temptations to contact while you’re doing this step. You don’t want to keep seeing her name on your MSN or Yahoo list and feel tempted to message her. A note on Facebook if you both use it: •

DO change your relationship status to something OTHER than “in a relationship with your ex”. I recommend changing it to “BLANK”. Ashley Kay 74


•

DO take down the pictures you have together. (It’s just awkward for you and her to leave these up.) I recommend doing it during a CALM period – so not directly after a fight/argument/breakup/sending The Seed Letter. You can always put them back up or put up new ones when you’re back together. (I recommend 1-2 weeks after you send the Seed Letter)

•

DO add new friends and be social to your other friends.

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DO update everyone on your changes and the exciting things you are doing.

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DO NOT talk about the break up or your ex girlfriend.

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DO NOT block or delete your ex girlfriend.

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DO NOT look at her profile AT ALL.

Don’t make this exercise seem like a chore. You’re not throwing anything away, just rearranging and cleaning up so you feel better afterwards. Once everything is in a box, put it somewhere difficult to reach. Eg. In a closet underneath a heap of other boxes. Make sure everything in there is not essentials that you’ll need to use, like a gift that happens to be your phone! After you’re done, reward yourself! Giving rewards is a big part of this process. Treat yourself to chocolate, a movie, gifts, new clothes or anything that you would really like. The better the reward the more motivated you’ll feel.

Step 2: Fall In Love With You At the end of the day, relax somewhere quiet, get out your Interactive Journal and jot down everything that you love about you; all of your best qualities, the things you’re good at and what great obstacles you have overcome in the past. Here are some questions to ask yourself: 1. What am I really good at? 2. What is something I do that makes me smile? Ashley Kay 75


3. What great obstacles have I overcome in the past? 4. What are some great qualities others have told me about me in the past? 5. What do I enjoy doing? 6. What makes me different to everyone else? 7. What were some qualities that attracted my ex girlfriend to me in the first place?

Step 3: Your Image When it comes to your appearances, how you feel on the inside reflects highly on how you look on the outside too. Most of us are slightly obsessed about how others see us, but if it hasn’t been high on your list of priorities, now is a good time to do a body image evaluation. Even if you always take good care of your image, you shouldn’t skip this exercise. It’s never a bad idea to experiment and try out new things. It’s not how you change, only that you DO change. Remember you need to build up momentum of change by doing the little things. When they accumulate, it will give you a huge boost in confidence. Stand in front of a full-length mirror in something you normally wear. Just take yourself in for a few minutes. See yourself as a whole instead of instantly focusing on all your flaws. Imagine you have never seen yourself before and the person standing before you is a complete stranger. Now give this stranger an evaluation. •

Does this person look happy?

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Does this person look inviting?

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Does this person look like he would have a lot of admirers?

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Do you wish you knew that person?

Now, see yourself as you again:

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•

Am I happy with the way I look?

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Does the way I look reflect how I feel about myself?

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Do I think I’m good looking?

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Do I look like I’m fit and full of energy?

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Do I look like I’m capable of attracting women into my life?

You might not answer “Yes” for all of these and that is fine. The key thing is to take note of how your image makes you feel and if there are areas you’re not completely happy with. You know those are things you can work on. When it comes to clothes, you’ll need to see what you have accumulated over the years and look at them collectively as a whole. Do these clothes fit your personality? Are they clothes you feel comfortable and proud to wear? Do they make you happy wearing them? If that description fits some of the items in your wardrobe, take note of which ones and why. The others you should throw out or keep aside for a rainy day. Next time when you go clothes shopping, you can specifically target the type of clothes that you know fits well and make you feel good. You can experiment and take risks by going for a completely new look but remember, it might feel or look good in the store but you need to ask yourself practical questions like: do I really see myself wearing this amongst friends, family, my ex? Would I feel comfortable wearing it out? Is it really me? Don’t go too drastic, the point of buying new clothes is to feel good and confident! Getting clothes that are too bold might just mean it never sees the light of day.

Physical changes: No one is completely happy with the way they look naked. But it is important to be happy with MOST of how you look. You might hate your arms or your chest but the overall

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package should be something you’re quite pleased with. After all that’s what makes you unique! If you’re really unhappy with the way you look, you need to get to the bottom of why. Are you overweight? Under-weight? Disproportional? Too short? Too tall? We tend to make a bigger deal of things than they really are. How you see yourself isn’t always how others see you. If there are elements about yourself you dislike, you need to start appreciating those things just as how others appreciate you. Body image is all in your mind and the more you put yourself down, the more hopeless and miserable you will feel. Once you get to a self-abusive state you will find it hard to exert any sort of positive energy. Lesson #2 - Learn to love who you are the way you are.

Step 4: Personal Development & Growth Step 4 is my favourite step and it’s the most important component to this chapter. People need continual growth in life to remain happy and fulfilled. However, an alarming amount of people fail to do this and fall into a “rut”. This is a huge mistake. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. Sorry to be so negative. But everything in life must grow or else they die. Is this not true? You know you’ve been neglecting a certain area in your life when you find yourself saying: •

I want to do ____ but just haven’t had time.

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If only I had X then I’d be able to do Y.

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I’ll do ____ tomorrow.

•

Yea, but....

And the list goes on. Excuse after excuse right?

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That’s all they are, a butt-load of EXCUSES. This isn’t a huge problem unless these are things that are preventing you from growing and moving ahead in life. When you’re feeling sad or depressed without understanding why, it’s because deep down, you know you’ve fallen off track; from achieving your dreams, your goals, the things that make you want to get out of bed each morning, the things that make life worth living; Your PURPOSE in life. I can’t tell you to change. That has to come from inside you. I just want to plant a seed in you – a desire – to do something about the areas in your life that isn’t working anymore. Personal development is a huge area, and out of the scope of this book. However, I’d like you to start defining some of your immediate goals right now. The things you’d like to achieve within the next 3 months... the things that will have an impact on your ex girlfriend. The key areas you should focus on are: •

Health & Well-being

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Self-development

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Relationships

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Career

•

Fun

In your Interactive Journal, jot down achievable goals you can accomplish within the next 1 - 3 months. Try for a couple of smaller goals or one major goal within each category above. They don’t have to be anything massive, and in fact, to keep you from following through, I suggest to keep goals small for now. For example: Under Health & Well-being, your goals could be: •

To lose weight. Ashley Kay 79


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To eat healthier.

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To quit smoking.

Under Self-development: •

Every week, I will go out and/or participate in a hobby/activity that I enjoy.

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Be more positive and less negative.

Under Relationships: •

I will meet someone new every week.

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I will further develop a current relationship with a friend or co-worker.

Under Career: •

I will enrol into University.

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Aim for a promotion.

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Deposit at least $10,000 in my savings account.

Under Fun: •

To paint and draw

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DIY projects

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Bungee jumping

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Sky diving

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Wakeboarding (water sports)

After writing down your goals, don’t simply put it away and forget you have ever written it. Instead, take IMMEDIATE action towards fulfilling some of those goals.

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Some of these goals you will complete immediately, others might take longer. I suggest, after achieving one, to cross it out. Once you have all the goals accomplished within one Category, create new goals for yourself. Additionally, you’ll want to create Long-Term goals for yourself. These are things you want to achieve within the next 1 – 5 years. Set realistic goals, and break these large goals into smaller bite size goals. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the daily grind; going through the motions and living day-to-day. You’ll feel alright for a while, but one day you’ll wake up, look back on your life and not see any progress. This is how people fall into depression. You only have one life to live, make it good and set some nice big goals for yourself. The great thing about this is that, the more you accomplish, the happier and more confidence you will gain as a result. Not only will you have a ton of things to tell your ex, but this will show her actual CHANGE and momentum in your life. Remember Your Man Factor. Setting goals and achieving them will give you a MASSIVE boost in confidence and will consequently make you feel independent too. The less stressful your life is, the happier you are and the more care you will have for others as well as yourself. Your ex girlfriend won’t be able to help but be extremely drawn to you because anyone who is living a quality life and is HAPPY will naturally attract a lot of good people too.

Special Note! As you’re finding new things to do under FUN, also jot down potential Date ideas for you and your girl to do once you are back together. This will come in handy later on in keeping the “spice” in your relationship. Always be on the lookout for cool Date ideas. It is only limited by your imagination and there are things to do to suit all budgets.

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Wrapping up How to Start Being Single Remember the 4 steps to being single: 1. Clear your life of “distractions” of your ex. 2. Identify and fall in love with all the qualities that make up you. 3. Become aware of the visual image you present to the world. Dress and present your image in a manner that makes you feel confident and comfortable. 4. Set goals to accomplish within the next 1 – 3 months that will have an impact on your ex. Remember if you’re not growing, you’re dying!

Resistance Eraser Removing Your Ex’s Resistance While You Work on Yourself

No Contact, Limited Contact & Everything In Between During this time as you work on yourself, you will also be simultaneously removing your Ex’s resistance to you. The best way to do this is by allowing space to come between you and your Ex naturally, and using a few “tricks” to lure her in slowly. By giving your ex girlfriend space away from you, it allows her to forget hurtful feelings and be able to rebuild the trust she needs to communicate with you without being tainted by the break up. If your case falls within the following: •

You work together

•

You live together

•

You have kids together

In these cases, you’ll need to use Limited Contact – how you handle these situations are listed below. Ashley Kay 82


If you are ALREADY in regular contact with your Ex, you need to use the “Push/Pull Reverse Tactic”. And in any other case, you should firmly be using No Contact.

No Contact No Contact means just that. You can NOT contact your ex girlfriend under ANY circumstance. This includes: •

If you have your things at the Ex’s House or your Ex has things at your house.

•

Any Holiday events including: Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries etc

•

You heard from a mutual friend that your Ex wants to talk to you.

•

You’re dying to know what your Ex is up to.

•

You miss your Ex like crazy.

•

Your ex is going away in XX amount of days/weeks.

•

Your ex is getting married.

There are only a few exceptions to when you can break No Contact and if you need to know when you can break No Contact, here’s a simple way to evaluate this.

If your Ex was a distant relative, would you send a message to her at this time? So, if you wouldn’t send a birthday message to a distant relative, there is no need to send one to your Ex. No Contact is meant to be harsh and completely different to everything you’re USED to doing. It’s not NATURAL to treat the person you love as if she doesn’t matter to you anymore. BUT...

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You must remember, you ONLY need to stay in No Contact for as long as your Ex is not chasing after you. As soon as she calls you, text you and asks you a question, you can stop No Contact. On the other hand, as soon as your Ex stops all contact, it’s time to go back to No Contact again. This is because your Ex WANTS you to be the one chasing. The Ex Recovery System is not about how to chase after your Ex, it’s about getting her to chase YOU. Anytime you feel like you’re doing all the work again, it’s time to go back to No Contact. Due to the severely of No Contact, it is an EXTREMELY powerful psychological tactic to use on your ex girlfriend. You’ll see far better and faster results if you use No Contact as it’s meant to be used.

Limited Contact - Remaining In Contact With Your Ex Even though you should not contact your ex while focusing on YOU, that doesn’t mean unexpected conversations or encounters won’t occur. This might happen if: •

She calls you out of the blue just to get something from you.

•

You bump into her while out.

•

You need to see her on a regular basis due to work, school or marriage commitments (kids etc).

During these encounters you simply need to remember to: •

Be happy and upbeat.

•

Keep conversations brief, 10 – 15 minutes max, then exit gracefully by saying you need to be somewhere/do something.

•

Keep topics purely on a social level, don’t get personal.

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•

Talk about “problems” you’re facing.

•

Bring negativity to any topic that IS raised.

•

Bring up the break up.

If she asks questions about you, keep your answers vague but express enthusiasm. Don’t offer details or information about yourself willingly. You want to be as emotionally distant from her as much as possible because remember, you said you would “give her space” and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

Push Pull Reverse Tactic This is a tactic to use if you’re neither in No Contact or Limited Contact with your Ex. This happens when: •

Your Ex initiates contact regularly

•

You’re friends with your ex

•

Your ex uses push pull tactics on you (hot and cold)

Basically, I call it the Push Pull Reverse Tactic to reverse the effect from your Ex doing push pull on you, to you on her. Push pull is about drawing her close and then shutting her out again in a predictable pattern. What to do: •

You act completely happy, upbeat and excited when your ex initiates contact (like normal)

•

Then make sure YOU always pull away first by not contacting your Ex for longer periods of time than normal.

If your Ex gets suspicious and confronts you about it, you should always deny that you’re doing it on purpose. This is a good time to mention you’re busy working on all those new goals you set for yourself! Ashley Kay 85


At this point, you should always make it up to your Ex by acting happy, upbeat and giving her heaps of attention again. Once again, make sure to pull away first. The more upset your Ex becomes, the more it’s a sign that it’s working. At this point, you need to also use other additional tactics to keep her hooked or else she will simply lose interest and allow you to slip away. (I go more in-depth on this in the next section)

What to Do When Your Ex Wants More From You There are times when she will not feel comfortable with this “new” you, and might even lash out by being emotional, rude or any other odd behaviour that makes it hard for you to keep your distance. This happens when an ex wants more from you than is appropriate. Examples are when: •

An ex wants intimacy.

•

An ex wants companionship.

•

An ex wants help or support of some kind.

If she acts as if she’s still in a relationship with you but will not commit, this is HER strategy to fulfil her own needs. As I have mentioned before, if you insist on giving her everything, anytime she wants, then she no longer needs to chase you anymore! Don’t make the misconception that she’s doing it to test your devotion to the relationship or to her. You don’t HAVE a relationship right now. SHE needs to win you back if she wants more of you.

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Lesson #3 - You must train others to treat you the way you want to be treated – not the other way around. The truth is she doesn’t really want you to succumb to her every wish. What she wants is a man who commands respect. That’s the sign of a strong, independent and extremely sexy man because he knows his own worth. Stand up tall to your ex and show her you want and deserve more than she’s willing to give. Let her know you won’t stand for anything less.

What to do during Holidays/Birthdays/Anniversaries Unless you’re on strict No Contact, you can opt to send your Ex a card on special holidays. The rule is if you’re going to send something to your ex, send it late and only send something small like a card. Don’t get fancy with flowers, presents etc. Keep it simple. A good tip is to send the card on the DAY of the holiday, so it’ll get to her a few days late. It is very likely that your ex might expect something from you. This will play on her conscience when she doesn’t get anything, and might even prompt her to call you. Once she does get the card you send, she might even become emotional. This strategy ensures that you show you still care and firmly places you in her mind.

To wrap up: We’ve covered...

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•

How to Start Being Single – becoming a better improved YOU and growing into a confident, happy individual. Remember, you’re collecting ammunition for attracting her back.

•

How NOT to push your ex away during this time. As important as it is to focus on yourself. You still want to show your ex that you care... just at a controlled distance away.

•

Resistance Eraser – how to remove resistance using No Contact, Limited Contact or the Push Pull Reverse Tactic. This sets the stage for the next chapter.

After 30 days OR unless she contacts you first, you’re ready to move onto...

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Quiz: Are You Ready For Contact? Circle True or False: You’re still having trouble eating, sleeping or working because of thoughts of True False your ex girlfriend. True False

You find yourself constantly checking your phone, email or any other communication device to see if your ex girlfriend has tried to contact you. You constantly want to numb the pain of the break up.

True False

There are still feelings of anger and resentment when you think of your

True False

relationship. You want to cry when you run through the details of the break up.

True False

It feels like your future is shattered without your ex girlfriend.

True False

You still blame yourself for the break up even though you don’t know why.

True False

You’d rather stay at home than go out with friends/family.

True False

There’s a chance you might become emotional/lose it during an unpleasant True False conversation with your ex girlfriend. You feel like anything you say or do is only going to make things worse.

True False

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Mostly TRUE  You might need a bit more time before contact. You don’t need to strictly stop communications for good, but keep in mind you are extremely vulnerable at this time and your ex girlfriend will know that you’re still not quite over the break up. This might mean she’ll regard your consequent actions as suspect; your only motive being to get back together. Even though that is true, you don’t want her to know that. The chance to make even more mistakes can be upon you when you’re not emotionally ready to face your ex yet. Therefore, I strongly advise you to keep your distance until you DO have your emotions in order. Mostly FALSE  Great, there’s a good chance you’re ready to make contact now. Take This Quiz Online Here.

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Step 4 – Re-Attraction

Drive Her Crazy With These Ancient Attraction Techniques There are TWO TYPES of method to get your ex girlfriend back. You can use one or both methods. a. The Direct Method b. The Indirect Method The concept behind The Direct Method is that ideally, you want to bond, reconnect and attract your ex girlfriend back over a casual and fun date, revealing the real you through one-on-one/face-to-face interactions. This method works great IF you can get your ex girlfriend on a date with you. The problem is, for many people, one month is just not long enough for an ex to agree to go on a date with you. The advantage of this method is the speed that it can bond you with your ex girlfriend again. The second method, The Indirect Method is a much more subtle way of getting her back It was created to help those in: •

Long Distance Relationships

•

Where dating wouldn’t work

•

When an ex refuses to accept a date with you

•

If you have tried everything you could think of to win her back

I want to stress that The Indirect Method requires 1 – 2 months to take affect and if after 2 months your ex still shows no signs of coming back, it’s time for you to move on.

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The Direct Method

a. If you have given your ex space If you have given your ex sufficient “space” from your Seed Letter, and she has not tried to contact you. It’s time to re-establish contact by inviting her to a short get-together; something casual and fun. b. If your Ex cracked and broke no contact If she has started to contact you and is showing some interest in you, you can easily get a date out of her. It’s as casual as asking her out to a small get-together over lunch or coffee.

The Plan of Attack To Drive Her Wild! You’re going to invite her out for a simple 30 minute to 1 hour get-together where you can catch up. During this date, you’ll embed some psychological tactics that will “wet her appetite” for more. Remember, if she is already chasing you, you’re on the right track. You can now have some fun and tease her a little to really drive her wild!

The Place You want to pick a place she has never been to before. You’ll need to scour your town for a location that best fits the following: •

Small coffee shop, cafe-type place.

•

Nice, relaxing atmosphere. Eg. A place with comfy cushions and soothing music.

•

Avoid loud music, overcrowded people.

Go there a few times by yourself or with a friend so you know firsthand whether the overall service will be a good experience for you and your ex girlfriend.

First Contact After Giving Her Space Ashley Kay 92


This is what you’ll need to do if your ex girlfriend have NOT made contact for the last 30 days (for best results however, I HIGHLY recommend waiting until she makes first contact). Before calling, make sure you’re emotionally ready for contact (Quiz: Are You Ready For Contact?). You need to think through your phone call BEFORE dialling her number. Here are some simple guidelines to follow: •

Pick an ideal time to call; when she will have a few moments to talk to you privately.

•

Be happy and upbeat.

•

Ask to catch up in the upcoming week. Pick a date and time yourself.

•

Keep it short.

Try to keep things light. Make small talk with her for a few minutes, bring up something familiar and do a little “mini” catch up before you come out with your invitation. If you wait until you have a good vibe going, your ex will more likely agree to meet you. Don’t be scared or nervous to talk to your ex. Remember she’s not going to bite and you’ve known her for a while. She will appreciate it when things aren’t awkward between you.

Your Ex Says Yes If you have planned your phone call carefully before calling and your invitation is specific and non-threatening, the chance of your ex accepting is much higher.

Your Ex Says No If your ex doesn’t take you up on the offer, be completely cool about it and exit quickly with grace. You can remind her that it is only coffee and it won’t kill her, but only do it once! Make sure you say it in a joking tone, so she doesn’t feel threatened or pressured.

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Don’t linger in the conversation to ask “why” or “try to convince her otherwise” because you don’t want to sound needy. She may need a little more time, wait a week before trying to contact again. You may get a call from her later on, it’s common she’s not prepared for it the first time around and need some time to think things through. If you don’t hear from her, just leave it. She may have more issues concerning the break up than meets the eye and really, you don’t want to chase her anymore.

In the case you get voicemail... At this point, don’t leave a message. Remember she’ll know you have called. It’s best not to let her know why. This will also prompt your ex to call you back as well. Wait a few days to a few weeks before calling again and never call more than once a day! If your second call goes unanswered, leave a short message saying “you would like to talk to her and if she could get back to you that would be great” If by this point your ex is still not responding, I suggest you go on strict No Contact until SHE contacts you!

The Meeting Remember to relax, aim to have fun and reconnect through casual conversation. You should be emotionally prepared for your get-together and all feelings of panic should be repressed or ignored. Be yourself, don’t bring up problems of the past and stick to all the positive things going on in your life.

Dress to Impress Men, iron your clothes, wear something new your ex has never seen before. Something that accentuates your positive features is going to have the best appeal. Eg, if you have a nice Ashley Kay 94


upper body but short legs, go for a more fitting shirt and tight but long dark pants. If you need help with this, ask for assistance at clothing stores.

The Hug Greet When you first meet, ease the tension of the moment by giving her a hug. A brief, gentle but firm embrace is what you’re after as soon as you see her. Don’t hesitate. Your ex is likely to be a little nervous and doing this will help calm her nerves. This will act as a pleasant surprise, which is the vibe you want to get across; you’ve changed, you’re a different person, you’re a relaxed, happy and confident. Starting off with physical contact will also jolt her memory on the familiarity of being close to you again. You want to bring up fond memories of the past to bond you closer together. Your aim is to make her feel comfortable and allow the conversation to flow naturally.

During The Date Ask your ex what is happening in her life and talk about the things she’s passionate about. Eg. If you know your ex was looking to become a doctor at the time of the break up, ask her how that is going, what her plans are for the future and what steps she’s taking now to accomplish some of her goals. Be supportive of her goals and ambitions. Open up about some of the new things you have experienced and changes you’ve made in your life. However don’t go on and on about how wonderful your life is now. Boasting about how great things are since the break up, will only make your ex feel bad about her own life if it doesn’t seem quite as exciting. Be brief when talking about yourself and try to focus more of the attention on her.

Add Subtle Female Triggers to Get Her Attention Below I’ve included female attraction tactics to use on your first meetup. Make sure to use them sparingly on this first date to “wet her appetite”, if you have a great date, you’ll have plenty more chances to see her and use it on her again.

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The “Break Up Talk” If the break up is brought into the conversation, remind her that you’ve accept it and that you don’t dwell on the past anymore. What is done is done and you’re focused firmly on the future. This will give her another indication that you’ve changed. If she insists on talking about the break up or the issues around it, LISTEN! Don’t butt in or ignore what she has to say. The fact that she wants to talk about it means she’s not over it and there’s a strong chance they want to work things out with you. After listening to her, mention that you’d like to work through these things at a later time. Right now, you just want to enjoy catching up again. If she still wants to talk about it, work with her and get things sorted. This time, you should be in more control. Talk about your feelings and what you want without getting emotional. Whatever you do, don’t turn things into a fight. Remain calm and be happy that you are working through this.

Your Ex Moving On Prepare to hear that she is moving on and is happy in her new life with someone else. This may inevitably happen, and you can’t expect it not to. What is important to remember is your REACTION to this news. She will be testing how “truly” over the break up you are by seeing your reaction. If you winch and look away, fidget nervously, go quiet or start looking sad, this is a clear indication that you’re not over the break up. What I suggest: •

Keep eye contact.

•

Be genuinely happy for her.

•

Don’t fidget, look away, frown or say something negative to bring her down. Ashley Kay 96


Don’t criticise her just to “make yourself feel better”. Remember this conversation is to bring yourself into the “good light” with your ex. Even if she appears to be happy with someone else; it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not still in love with you.

How to Keep Her Interest For Another Date You may hit things off beautifully and before you know it, an hour has passed. Remember to end things on a high note. Say you’ve had a great time and you should catch up sometime again. If things went really well, your ex may act very interested for another get-together. If she suggests one, tease and flirt with her a little by saying: “Maybe, if you’re good.” Or “I’m not sure, I’ll have to think about it.” Or “I’m not sure, maybe if you dress this sexy next time.” NEVER give the impression that you expect to see her again, always expect HER to be the one asking to see you again. Hug goodbye to end your date and that’s it!

Post Date Contact Rule This is extremely important so pay attention. “If you want your woman to chase after you, you must NOT contact her first after your first meetup.” If the date went really well, be CONFIDENT that she will contact you first. If you’re confused why she hasn’t called after a week or more, drop her a quick note on Facebook or text message that is just casual like: “Hey, did you see XXX the other day? I thought she looked good huh?” Do NOT call and demand to know why she hasn’t called you yet! If the date did not go well, allow her a few weeks away from you and wait to see if she does eventually contact you. If she doesn’t, send her a casual message like the one above. Ashley Kay 97


After that, do NOT contact until she initiates contact with you. When she does call, be surprised to hear from her. Make polite chit-chat and wait to see what she is after. If she is calling you, chances are it’s a GOOD thing. If she asks you out on another date, that’s even better. Once again, flirt and tease her, don’t make her have it too easy, especially if you know an invitation is coming up.

Female Attraction Triggers to Make Her Want You Alright, if you’re at the stage where you and your ex “hang out” or “date” but you’re unsure where your relationship stands, these female attraction triggers will ensure that you’re pushing the right HOT buttons to keep her wanting you more and more each time. Keep in mind Your Man Factor whenever you’re around her, and she won’t be able to resist you!

1. Smile This may be pretty obvious, but if you SMILE more at a woman, it’s going to automatically make HER smile more. (If you make her smile more, it automatically puts you in her good books and makes her feel good around you). Smiling is extremely contagious and it’s also something that is very simple and easy to do. Smiling indicates to a woman that you’re easy-going, happy and have a sense of humour about things; basically you’re not all gloom and doom about your life and you have a positive and upbeat vibe! The only trick to this is to appear GENUINE when you do it. If you constantly have a smile plastered on your face, then it will only come across as creepy and weird! Just be genuine and you’ll notice that not only will your mood be lifted but hers will be too.

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NOTE: If she starts asks why you’re smiling, or what you’re smiling about, just reply that you are happy to see her and you’re just having a good day. This would also be a good time to refer to the things you’re doing in your life right now.

2. Use Intelligence and Wit You may have heard the saying: “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence”. One of the things women look for in a man is their intelligence. Me and other women I’ve known tend to seek out men who know more than we do. This is because it’s just really nice to have a problem that the guy you’re with can solve quickly. Plus it’s just really impressive to be with a guy who knows more than you do. Now, I know if you’re reading this you’re DEFINITELY an intelligent man, so that’s not a problem. The problem may be HOW you show that intelligence. This is why I recommend using your sense of humour to your advantage. Wit usually goes hand-in-hand with intelligence, and it’s one of the best ways to show this off without coming across as arrogant and obnoxious. The other benefit of showing wit this way is that it’s just fun. Women like to be around men who are fun and entertaining. Keep her on her toes and she’ll want to keep coming back for more.

3. Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness The most important thing about your appearance when it comes to women is that you’re CLEAN. Simply?

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Well, for women it seems pretty obvious, but some men still tend to think they’re in the cavemen days and expect women to swarm all over them when they look like they spent the last 8 hours rolling around mud wrestling each other. Just as men like women who could be potential mothers for their child, women also look for men who could embody the ideal father for their child. This is why first impressions and how you dress and appear is very important to a woman. Clearly, your ex knows your sense of style in fashion and personal hygiene, but what happens during a break up can make a guy go backwards in the looks department. So if you haven’t been bothered to shower, wash your clothes, shave etc because you figure “what’s the point, she isn’t going to see me anyway”, then you couldn’t be any more WRONG! The point is word gets around, especially if you’re in a small town and you definitely don’t want to “bump” into your ex looking less than marvellous. Looking less than great also puts a great dent in your self-esteem. So, put the effort in to keep your skin clean, hair trimmed and washed, nails clean, teeth/mouth clean and fresh and wear clean and ironed clothes. You don’t need to go out and get a new wardrobe. Also using deodorant or a tiny bit of cologne is a plus as well.

4. Use Playful Flirting to Build Sexual Tension Flirting is a great way to create subconscious tension and make her aware that you’re interested without you needing to say you are. This is different to confessing you want her back because the unspoken word here is 10x more powerful to influence her subconscious. Here’s how to flirt with her: •

Use open body language like back straight, shoulders back, chest out, arms open, hands unclenched, body leaning forward, feet pointing to her.

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•

Accidental touches: when you reach out to get something and you brush her arm, lean into her a little when standing side by side

•

Wipe something from her lips when she’s eating

•

Brushing her hair away from her face.

•

Preening yourself.

•

Tease her playfully.

Now, when you do this, she will know you’re flirting with her. Ideally she should flirt back with similar body language, HOWEVER, if she doesn’t or she is showing signs of disinterest or discomfort, just ignore it. She’s still conflicted inside and it’s best that you don’t allow her discomfort to make YOU uncomfortable. A confident man is someone who wouldn’t let these things bother him, so don’t let it bother you.

5. Super Confidence Here’s another obvious one that I’ve mentioned a fair few times. Being confident is really just about knowing who you are, what you’re about, what you’re willing to do and the things that you believe in, and STICKING by them even if other people don’t agree with you. It’s about knowing your own self-worth and others will respect you for it. That means you‘re not going to succumb to everything she asks you to do or do things just to please her. You need to place yourself first here, and by doing that it will show her that you’re a strong, independent and confident person! And that’s the type of man a woman admires and wants to be with.

6. Touch Her Accidentally

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When you reach for something, accidentally touch her hand. When you’re making a point in the conversation, touch her briefly on her arm. Try standing physically closer to her too so you can bump shoulders every now and then. Don’t make this too obvious and this may need to be situational, but subconsciously you’ll remind her that you don’t just want to be friends and should help build sexual tension and make her think of you OTHER than a friend (which is what you want). Touching each other is extremely sexy and powerful way to flirt, here’s some other ways to create situational “touches”. •

Open doors for her and when she steps inside, place your hand on her waist, as if you’re escorting her.

•

Read her palm to tell the future (great way to touch her hand)

•

Tickle her or playfully punch her when she is teasing you.

There’s tons of ways to touch without it being weird, but all of these work to build subconscious sexual tension. Make sure that every time you see her, that you find some way to touch her slightly.

7. Be Mysterious It’s no fun if you always reveal everything straight away. Tease her, delay her, keep some things from her but make sure she knows you’re doing it for fun. For example, instead of offering information upfront, make her guess for it first. This creates great banter and interesting dialogue. Make her dig information out of you in a playful manner. The more fun she has interacting with you, the more she’ll welcome more dates and time with you.

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A man who is mysterious will also create a need for a woman to want to “decode him”. This is why women will spend hours trying to “figure a guy out” with her friends and this is also what will keep you constantly on her mind. To be mysterious, you just need to be a little spontaneous, a little unpredictable and hint things at her instead of tell her everything if you want to capture her attention. A great way to do this is through the use of humour, ambiguous language and teasing her about something but never fully “explaining” what you mean.

8. Toot Your Own Horn This one you need to be somewhat careful about using, but I strongly advise that you do it without OVER-doing it. Here’s why it’s important for you to toot your own horn in front of her. Women are attracted to confident, intelligent and driven men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after the things they want. If you have achieved things you’re proud of, SHOW IT OFF. Don’t be shy and timid about this, this is about you and about your accomplishments. She also needs to see that you’re making progress and not just a lazy couch potato that sits around drowning in misery every night. This is probably the only time you shouldn’t be mysterious, and when you tell her these things, you want to make it sound like you’re REALLY excited and proud of yourself! If you sound excited it will get HER excited and make HER feel good for you too! Believe me this works! NOTE: Is there a point of overdoing it? Well, yes, if you find yourself going on and on and on about yourself and your achievements, then you may be in trouble. If you see her getting BORED, then you also need to stop and change the focus back onto her. Ashley Kay 103


9. Social Proof Social proof is a POWERFUL tool to get your ex girlfriend to instantly pay attention to you. There’s many ways to use social proof to your advantage, so here’s just a few ways to get your creative juices flowing: •

Get a lot of friends to comment on your Facebook wall (you do this by commenting on other people’s wall first)

•

When you go out to a lunch date or to the mall, be extremely charming and sociable to the waiters or store person. It makes you look like a very popular and social person.

•

Briefly mention that you’ve had a lot of party invites lately but you’re just so busy! (Implies of social proof here)

•

Briefly mention you’ve noticed girls checking you out or some girls bugging you to take them out, but you’re just not interested.

•

Briefly mention that you’ve been hanging out with friends who are girls lately.

Showing social proof is a very subtle but extremely powerful tactic. It will definitely play on her mind and make her want to stick close by just in case she wants you back and you’re no longer available!

WARNING ABOUT SEX WITH AN EX GIRLFRIEND For women, sex is bonding and if you have sex with your ex, then in her mind you’re “back together”. In order to woo a girl into the bedroom however, the foreplay must start DURING your date. If your ex doesn’t want to come back with you don’t make a fuss, end the date gracefully like you did the first time. This time however end the date with a kiss, this signifies that there is progression in your relationship.

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You can schedule another date in a few days and just repeat all the good things you have done so far and remember if she’s not keen to come back to your place, take it slow, you shouldn’t put too much pressure on her as it will just push her further away.

The Direct Method Overview Okay, so you now have some female attraction tactics to use during your get-togethers. The good news is, even if you can’t officially get her on a date with you, you can still use these tips every time you interact with each other. I also recommend mixing parts of the Direct Method with the Indirect Method below.

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The Indirect Method The Indirect Method is all about training your ex over a certain period of time to see you as attractive, fun, sexy and IMPROVED version of you. You’ll be building attraction and connection through a few systematic tactics. Please be ethical about using some of these. Not everyone will feel morally right about using some of these tactics. That’s fine, I don’t expect you to use them all, just pick the few that feels most comfortable for you. To win your ex girlfriend back requires the right mindset and confidence, but it’s also learning to be sharp-minded and focused. You want to treat building her attraction for you like a thermostat. Raise the temperature slowly over a long period of time and she won’t notice what is happening until it’s too late and you’ve got her. She will feel herself slowly fall in love with you with equal or more intensity as before. The best part is, she’ll think it was HER idea. The main concept behind this method is that small things accumulate overtime and build into something huge in the end. The key is not to focus on getting your ex back, focus on the MAN Factor and focusing on YOU whilst gradually building up contact and connection.

WARNING! Keep the reasons she left FIRMLY in your mind. Every time she see or talk to you, it will be subconsciously in her to remind her of why she left in the first place. You must make sure you are aware of this too.

If your break up was due to TRUST issues, remember trust is something you EARN overtime and can be destroyed in an instant. This is why if you’re dealing with trust, you

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need to take it seriously and work hard on maintaining and building that trust one small step at a time. You’ll need a lot of patience here.

Emotional Programming The first tactic is emotional programming, which is essentially training or programming your ex girlfriend to think a certain way about you. If you want her to think of you as attractive, sexy and fun, this is where Emotional Programming comes in. You need to associate ATTRACTIVE, SEXY and FUN to the thought of you. This is a long term strategy and in order for it to take effect, you must repeat a certain pattern over and over to re-program a desired thought in your ex’s thinking or association of you. Over the cause of your relationship, your ex has developed “negative” thought patterns around you. An example of such is: •

Every time you get drunk, your ex gets pissed off at you and refuses to talk to you.

•

Every time you don’t get your way, you start to be demanding and try to tell her what to do.

•

Every time you fail to take the garbage out, your ex starts an argument on how you never help out around the house.

These are patterns that are developed in your relationship. You need to understand how these patterns are created. Let’s take the first example; if your ex gets upset with you every time you get drunk, it’s not because you were drunk, it’s because of the things you said and did WHILE you were drunk that upset her.

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Let’s dig deeper, what EXACTLY did you say and do? Did you ramble on about other women? Did you start rattling off insults at people? Did you put your ex down? Belittle her? Call her names? Before you know it, your ex girlfriend just has to think of alcohol and you, to instantly get mad, pissed off and emotional. This will come back to bite you in the ass when you’re trying to get her back. Mention even ONCE you’ve been out drinking and your ex will get turned off instantly. Or even worse, call your ex WHILE drunk and start running the same old patterns. That’s a sure-fire way to get her never wanting to talk to you again. You must reassociate the thought of alcohol and you to something new. The only way to do this is to show her you’re not a bastard WHILE drunk. What to Do Casually mention to your ex that you don’t drink much anymore, as you have realized you weren’t very nice while drunk and you don’t like yourself in that state. Next, bring up a story that contains “social proof” that backs up your claim, something like, you went out last Friday, everyone was drinking, you had one or two drinks and then you went home, but still had a good time. The next time you DO drink, give your ex a call, make sure you’re not DRUNK, just a few drinks. Talk to her like normal, mention that you’ve had a few drinks... SHOWING HER that you’re just fine to talk to even while drinking! After about 3 times, your ex will start to reassociate a different meaning when she thinks of alcohol and you. The key is of course to be consistent with your efforts and never run an old pattern! Let’s recap on how Emotional Programming works:

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1. Identify negative patterns in your relationship. (These should be factors associated to the break up). 2. Tell your ex you have stopped that certain behaviour she disliked. 3. SHOW your ex a new pattern associated with that behaviour – reprogramming aspect. 4. Show her AGAIN under different circumstances. 5. Show her ONE LAST TIME. 6. NEVER repeat an old pattern. Sometimes due to severity of the old pattern, you may have to repeat it more than 3 times, but 3 times is usually enough to replace the old pattern with the new.

Levels of Conversational Intimacy The foundation of a relationship must be built upon TRUST, CONNECTION and INTIMACY. All of which are created through communication. If you think back to the things that made you fall in love with your ex, it was through interacting and communicating with one another. In order to recreate those feelings of “falling in love” we’ll need to increase the level of intimacy present in your conversations. Why purely through conversation? Because trust, connection and intimacy happens in the head first. Words have the power to change your state in a way images can’t. Just take books for instance. A book, through mere words, has the power to evoke strong emotions from you – they can make you cry, laugh, love and even hate. You always feel much more intimate with a character in a book than one in a movie. Stories presented in a book are often much more memorable than one in a movie, especially if the book resonates with you on a personal level. This tactic can be very successful if: Ashley Kay 109


•

In Long Distance Relationships (through the use of email/instant messenger).

•

You speak regularly with your ex on the phone.

•

You have the opportunity to talk one-on-one with your ex on a regular basis.

This tactic is less intimidating than asking an ex out on a “date”. You can also take advantage of it anytime you can talk with your ex for any decent chunk of time, say longer than 20-30 minutes. What to Do: First realize, it won’t be easy at first. Your ex has developed a fear of trusting you and negative emotions towards you, will have forced them to put a protective wall around herself. You want to show her: •

You’re not a threat.

•

You’re now a strong, confident and together person.

•

You’re looking out for her best interest.

This is how kidnappers work. They build trust first through a series of small and innocent actions – this develops likeability – and then once the victim feels comfortable, they’ll virtually hand themselves over to the kidnapper without any resistance whatsoever. You begin by making small talk; the weather, news, local gossip etc and gradually build towards more in-depth personal topics of conversation. Here is a look at the Levels of Conversational Intimacy you need to develop with your ex – from low to high.

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Levels of Conversational Intimacy:

Levels Of Intimacy

Conversation Topics

Intimacy Level

Level 1

Recent events, the news, the weather, what you did

Low

this weekend, your immediate environment or circumstance. Level 2

Personal opinions about an external factor. How you

Medium

feel about something non-personal (what you like/dislike). Level 3

Your personal dreams and goals. Your passions.

Med-High

What you want to achieve. The more important these dreams or goals are to you the more personal it feels talking about it with someone else. You usually only share your deepest/biggest dreams with your closest friends Level 4:

Your deepest fears and regrets. Things you’re

High

ashamed of or embarrassed by. Pointing out your vulnerability, flaws without being scared of the consequences.

Depending on how much she reveals to you about herself, you can gauge how comfortable she feels around you. The more she reveals, the more comfortable she feels around you. Your goal is to get your ex girlfriend comfortable talking to you on all 4 levels. The longer she can stay in Level 3 and 4, the closer the emotional connection and intimacy she feels with you. If your trust is gone and your ex barely even talks to you on Level 1, it’s not as Ashley Kay 111


hard as you think getting her to open up the second time around. You just need to be patient and build up the trust and connection slowly... How Do You Do This? By revealing yourself first on all 4 Levels! Scary & intimidating huh? It’s not easy to reveal everything about yourself to another human being. Especially on Level 4. This is going to be really scary because essentially you’re opening yourself up to criticism and rejection... again. But that’s why you need to build it up SLOWLY. Don’t jump straight to Level 4 when you can’t even converse comfortably on Level 1. She won’t be ready for it and it will only freak her out! Once she opens up to you, she’ll be emotionally vulnerable. But here’s the kicker. Once she’s at her peak - when she’s really into the conversation and dying for more - you want to EXIT out of the conversation! For example. “Damn, I really wish I could keep talking, but I’ve got to get going...” OR “Hey I’d love to stay but want to continue this conversation later? I just remembered I had to do something...” Apologize for leaving and mention you want to resume the conversation at a later time. This will be completely acceptable. Your ex won’t be angry or upset. It will only leave her dying to talk to you some more. You want to keep her interest as high as possible for as long as possible. You do this by cutting the conversation early and resuming at a later day.

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You also want to alternate between the deep and heavy stuff and the light and fun subjects. This is so you don’t burn both of you out and keeps her wanting more all the time! Remember to build TRUST, CONNECTION and INTIMACY from the ground up by: •

Building the Level of Conversational Intimacy in small amounts each time you talk. Start at Level 1 and progress to Level 4 when comfortable.

•

Once you’re able to maintain Level 3 and 4, cut the conversation early and resume on a later day.

•

Alternate between the Level 3-4 and Level 1-2 to maintain variety in your conversations.

Magnifying Attraction Rebuilding attraction is all about creating sexual tension between you and your ex. Within the Direct Method, I’ve mentioned ways to flirt with your body. In fact, flirting this way is the most recommended way because people can communicate and feel much more intimate when interacting with someone face to face. But if you don’t have the luxury to be see your ex in person on a regular basis, you’ll need to learn the Indirect Method of flirting and magnifying that attraction. NOTE: Even if you’re in close proximity to each other, you can still flirt using these techniques online through Facebook, messenger or even text messaging on your phone. What to Do: TEASE Your Ex This is a common PUA (pick up artist) technique. And in fact works very well for both women and men. The great thing about this technique is that it is nearly always appropriate, as long as you’re on talking terms. Inject a bit of playful teasing. Ashley Kay 113


•

Pick something fairly harmless you can tease your ex about. This should not be close to any sensitive subjects.

•

Give a light criticism, poke fun or tease about the subject making sure to do it jokingly. Eg. Calling her a “dork”, “loser”, “nerd”.

•

Mention how you’re “more superior” or “better” than her. Eg. “I’ve always been the better cook”, “I’m always right, don’t talk back”, “You’ve always had two left feet” etc.

•

Playful slaps and hits on the arm or shoulder (or virtual hits and slaps). This is great when your ex picks up on your teasing and starts to do the same back.

Be careful you don’t overdo this technique. Teasing her every 10 minutes will get old really quickly. You don’t want to ever cross the line and actually insult or hurt her feelings. However if you can get her to tease you back, this is a golden way to build sexual tension while appearing completely innocent. Upping the Stakes After a while of “innocent” flirting or teasing, you’ll want to up the ante a little bit. Instead of teasing your ex with criticism, now you’ll want to add “genuine compliments” in the form of a joke or tease. Eg. If your ex says something negative about her appearance, say “Are you kidding? You always look hot in jeans.” Try to give a nice compliment on her appearance or something you know she cares about. You want to try to make her blush without being too uncomfortable. When are inappropriate times to flirt with your ex? •

Too soon after a break up.

•

When your ex still acts very tense and awkward around you.

•

When your ex is with her new partner. Ashley Kay 114


•

When there are mutual friends around.

It is paramount you don’t flirt during these times, as doing so might completely backfire and make her want to avoid seeing or talking to you in the future. What have we learned? That flirting and teasing is a great way to magnify attraction and sexual tension in a very safe manner. You don’t need to worry if she’s seeing someone else or not. As long as you don’t receive any negative reactions to your flirting, you should try to do it every time you can interact in one way or another.

The Pull Away Method The Pull Away Method is another way of playing hard to get. Women want what they don’t have, and if she doesn’t have you the way she wants you, she’ll become frustrated and make her rethink what she really wants. What to Do: If your ex is calling you on a regular basis, gradually increase the time it takes for you to return her calls. In the beginning, you might answer her calls immediately. Perhaps you’re calling her as often as she’s calling you. Now you’ll want to slowly decrease the amount of time you call her and the time it takes for you to answer her calls. For example: If your ex messages you on a Monday. You might respond that evening. The second time, your ex might message you on a Wednesday. This time wait until Thursday to respond. The third time, your ex messages you on a Saturday. You might wait until Monday before responding back.

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Although you’re increasing the time it takes to get back to your ex, you must keep your conversations the SAME. That means, staying upbeat and happy. Although the time between your conversations may increase, you don’t want to appear “distant” when you talk. Still act as you always do. You want to increase the amount of time your ex contacts YOU, while you are decreasing the amount of time you are contacting her. When your ex starts wondering why you’re taking so long to respond, say you’ve been really busy and insert joking tease/flirt, “So you missed me huh?”. Don’t make it look like you’re deliberately avoiding him. The key is to always be optimistic and happy to hear/talk to your ex when you do call her back. This is going to frustrate the hell out of her. You should alternate between taking your time getting back to her and answering straight away.

Using The Indirect Method As you can see, The Indirect Method talks about 4 separate methods of attraction. To be successful, you need to use a mixture of all 4 upon seeing or interacting with your ex. You should gradually build up her desire for you after each “session” with your ex. The duration I would recommend to use this method is 1 -2 months. This is assuming you can talk or see each other on a regular basis. Remember these tactics need to be used subtly and not all in one evening. To recap, your aim is to build: •

Attraction / Connection through Levels of Conversational Intimacy and Magnifying Attraction.

•

Trust, by being honest with everyone especially yourself! Don’t simply rely on words to build trust. It is something you earn through reinforcement time and time Ashley Kay 116


again. You can’t fast forward this one. Use Emotional Programming to accomplish this. •

Desire by focusing on yourself and The Pull Away Method.

The Combo

Direct to Indirect to Direct Although The Direct method is great to use if you live close to your Ex AND your ex is agreeable enough to want to go on dates with you, often it doesn’t really work that way. •

Your Ex may go on a date or two and then withdraw.

•

She may refuse to see you at all in fear that she may lose it.

•

You may end up having a terrible first date, and hence can’t get a second date.

•

Your Ex is seeing someone else.

•

Your ex is moving away.

In some circumstances you’ll need to use a combination of both methods. Usually this means, you meet up every now and then, but communicate mostly via email, text or the phone. Also, if you start off using The Indirect Method, you will want to progress to The Direct Method at some stage. Even if you’re in a long distance relationship, I still recommend going to the same city as your Ex and arranging a proper date.

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QUIZ: How to Tell If Your Ex Still Has Feelings For You

Here is a quick quiz for you to gauge if your ex still has feelings for you Circle True or False:

She smiles your way a lot.

True False

She seems happy to talk to you.

True False

She brings up the past in a positive way.

True False

She still seems concerned about you and want to stay up-to-date in your

True False

life. She looks out for your best interest.

True False

She shows ANY kind of emotion towards you (good or bad).

True False

She regularly seeks contact with you.

True False

She tells you she still cares.

True False

She tells you about things she’s proud of or excited about... as if she’s

True False

seeking approval. She’s hot and cold with you. Eg. Missing you one minute, hating you the

True False

next.

Mostly TRUE  It’s a good bet your ex still has feelings for you. Ashley Kay 118


Mostly FALSE  It’s hard to tell how she feels, but she certainly isn’t ready for regular contact with you. Take This Quiz Online Here.

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BONUS: The Other Person In Your Ex’s Life If your ex girlfriend is seeing someone new, it’s going to take a little longer to get her back. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and you’ll know what your ex might be going through with someone else now. Believe it or not there are some good things going for you too. First, don’t assume anything: •

Just because your ex SEEMS happy....

•

Just because you hear how wonderful her new man is...

•

Just because she says that she’s in love with him...

... does NOT mean it’s true and more importantly does NOT mean she is not still in love with you! In fact, statistics show that 90% or more of rebound relationships (that’s what they are) don’t work out. I want to warn you that there are some common mistakes people make when they’re jealous of an ex’s partner. The following things should be AVOIDED at ALL COSTS. Remember you are still trying to attract your ex girlfriend. Your actions will be judged and compared with her new partner whether you like it or not. You must make sure you appear like the “better catch” no matter what you are doing. Mistakes to Avoid! •

Focusing too much on her new boyfriend instead of on yourself.

•

Talking down your ex’s new boyfriend (this comes across as jealous and insecure).

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•

Saying “I don’t think he is right for you” to your ex. Once again this appears jealous and insecure.

What you should do: •

Be supportive of your ex’s new relationship; whether you think it is a good choice or not, it’s still your Ex’s choice.

•

Be happy if she is happy.

•

Give her PLENTY of space while she’s seeing someone new.

•

Focus more on working towards your own goals, instead of being jealous/envious of someone you don’t even know.

•

Understand this other person is NOT your enemy nor are they the reason for your break up.

•

Appear like the COOLER guy.

Now, although it may seem like you’re at a disadvantage, you actually do have a few things over this other man: •

You and your ex have a history together. Memories and experiences that their new partner won’t have with your ex.

•

You know your ex better than they do.

•

There is a chance this new man will screw up the relationship.

•

You have a stronger bond with your ex and therefore already have a powerful advantage over the new partner.

Now, this other person will not be oblivious to your presence. If you’re planning on contacting your ex and meeting up every now and then, he’s going to have an opinion about it.

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This can work to your advantage if he is the extremely JEALOUS type. Men can turn paranoid, clingy and controlling once they turn jealous. This is a side your ex won’t like to see, and it’s exactly the kind of thing that will push her back into your arms! You just need to make sure you are the exact opposite of any jealous behaviour. That means, keep a fair amount of distance and make good use of the Pull Away method. Apart from being confident around your woman, stimulate her visual senses by looking nice and being SUPPORTIVE. One thing I don’t suggest is to deliberately strike up any friendship with the person your ex is seeing. Better to keep some distance in that regard. So what have we learned here? Do: • • • •

Focus on YOURSELF. Be happy for your ex. Be supportive. Respect your ex’s need for space during this time.

Don’t: • • •

Presume you know anything about their new relationship. Don’t badmouth the person your ex is seeing. Act jealous.

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BONUS: Key to Getting Her To Commit After successfully carrying out either The Direct Method or The Indirect Method (or both) you might reach a point where a talk will need to be made on “getting back together”. A talk might not always be necessary, however sometimes an ex will avoid talking about it to “enjoy what is for now”. However, you’ll want an official commitment from her as quickly as possible. You don’t want to give the impression you’re happy being casual. The key to getting her to commit: •

Don’t push her. Let it be her idea.

•

Be prepared to bring up all the reasons why the relationship will work this time.

•

Reiterate how you have changed.

•

Point out all the things that went wrong in the relationship to let your ex know that you understand exactly why they left in the first place.

This is a conversation that will help you find out if you both are on the same page and are both ready to become committed to the relationship. For this to be most effective you will need to use the four key elements listed below to ask her “if she wants to commit to this relationship with you”. Key elements to getting a commitment: •

Your attitude.

•

Your understanding.

•

Showing positive changes.

•

Your true intention.

Let’s go through each of these in more detail:

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Your Attitude When trying to get an ex girlfriend to come back, you must start with the right attitude FIRST. You need to be: •

Calm Don’t rush, take it slowly, pick your words carefully. Be relaxed.

•

Confident Be ready to accept a rejection but be confident that you do have what she wants in a partner.

•

Understanding Listen to whatever she has to say and be open-minded. You don’t want to start an argument at this point.

You should NOT: •

Be pushy

•

Be nervous

•

Fear rejection

You should be at the point where you’re emotionally stable and not scared to move on in case you get rejected.

Your Understanding At this stage you should have a clear understanding of why the break up happened in the first place. You want to mention to your ex all the reasons you believe they left and that you completely understand WHY they did. For example:

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“I understand what made you leave in the first place. I wasn’t _____ and I didn’t do enough _______. You needed me and I wasn’t there.” Give her time to chime in at this point and LISTEN to what she has to say. Don’t argue with her, or try to get her to see your side of the story. Listen and show that you’re on HER side.

Positive Changes If there is any specific thing that happened to be a main reason for the break up, mention what steps you have taken so far towards positive changes. There will be a tendency to come across “too desperate” if you say you ONLY made those changes to get her back. You must emphasize that you did those things FOR YOURSELF, and what positive effects they have had in your life. Tell her that you know what went wrong in the relationship and that you’ve started to work on these issues, but more importantly, you’re doing it for yourself and you’re a happier person because of it.

Your True Intentions All human beings want to be liked and we definitely love to be loved. The catch is, we want to be loved for who we are, even our flaws. We desperately want someone who will stick by us on the good days and the bad. That means someone who will put up with our crap and someone who will support us through just about anything we do. You want to show your girl that you want her for her, not for someone you THINK she could become. That’s where the power of your TRUE intentions come in. If you get this across right, you will have her in your hands and make her never want to leave you. You must: •

Be genuine.

•

Speak from the heart.

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•

Show your true intentions, which MUST be: as long as she’s happy, you’ll support her no matter what she wants to do.

For example: “I think you’re a terrific person, and at the end of the day, whether you want to be with me or not, I just want you to be happy. That’s all I want because I care about you so much. So whatever you decide, I’ll support your decision.” You want to get this across with great sincerity. Sometimes you don’t even have to say it with words, but you can imply it with your actions or the way you look at them. There are a few things you need to be aware of here. Your ex may still hesitate to come back, and may even bring up the past against you. If she brings up the past, say that you know the past is there and you can’t change that, but you’re not the same person you used to be and you’d rather leave the past behind and focus on the future. If she hesitates or tries to say no in a round bout way: •

Leave it at that. Don’t keep re-iterating things.

•

Listen to her and understand what she’s saying. Don’t ARGUE with her.

•

Give her more time to think about it. Let her know there is no pressure to respond right now.

CAUTION! Do not be hoaxed into being a “friend for now” deal. If I haven’t mentioned this enough, do NOT agree to be friends with an ex. You are NOT a friend, even if you were to begin with; your relationship has changed for good now and you need to let her know. Give her a few days to think about it, if you don’t hear from her in over a week, it’s time for you to move on.

Remember, the key ingredients to getting her to commit are: •

Your attitude. Ashley Kay 126


•

Your understanding.

•

Showing positive changes.

•

Your true intention.

Most of the time, if you’ve reached this point, you won’t even need all of these. Sometimes just being physically together again is signal enough that you’re back together. However if you’re still unsure and want a definite answer, this is how you can get the most desirable response out of her.

Hesitation If she hesitates, reassure her that you want to take things slowly, and she doesn’t need to commit to anything right now (this will help ease her into it). If she’s still on the fence about officially getting back together, ask her what is stopping her and what would make them feel more comfortable about committing again.

Rejection... Again If there is someone else she wants to pursue or she has other reasons for rejecting your idea, you’ll simply need to be cool about it. You don’t want to go off your knockers or become unstable again. At this point you should be well-prepared for a rejection and to move on with your life. It is her choice at the end of the day and you need to respect that. At the same time, don’t allow yourself to be strung along as a “backup” in case her current relationship doesn’t work out. Let her know you can’t be friends if she’s seeing someone else, you are still interested in her and want to work things out, but if she wants to be with someone else, you need to move on for your own sanity.

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Once you mention this to your ex, you MUST stick to your word! The biggest mistake I see people making is going back on their word during a break up. It shows a lack of confidence and strength in your character and tells people that they can simply walk all over you. At this point, you may need to implement strict No Contact and start dating new people.

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If You Get Back Together... Now What? If you managed to get back together, congratulations! Now before you get too excited, take this into consideration... 80% or more of couples that do get back together... break up within the first 1 - 3 months. That scary statistic is a warning to you in case you feel you’re in the green. So many people rush back into a relationship and then realize all the old problems still exist. Go back over the exercises you did in Step 2 – What Really Went Wrong and Step 4 – Do You Really Want Your Ex Back. It’s recommended to even show your girlfriend the First Part of this book and get her to do the exercises. You’ll be able to get a deeper insight into what she wants out of a relationship. Make sure both of your 4 common needs are met: •

Love / Connection

•

Physical Proximity

•

Sex / Intimacy

•

Security / Certainty

Practice being open about your problems on a regular basis and remember small issues accumulate and build into avalanches of trouble. Stop them from starting by dealing with them immediately. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who hurt who or what mistakes you’ve made, return back to what brought you together in the first place... your love with one another. Always keep that at the forefront of your relationship and show each other daily how much you care and mean to one another.

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Break Up Blocker - Keeping Your Relationship Going Strong You went through a lot just to attract your girlfriend back, now how do you make sure you don’t break up again? Follow these four tips. Continue Working On You Although you’re back together, you should continue to work on your goals and focus on the things talked about under Step 3: Rediscover The Best You. You wouldn’t want your ex to see you revert back to old ways and routines. The key is to do those things for yourself... not for someone else. I encourage you to get your girl to do the same. Aim to be each other’s support and help one another accomplish your goals much faster. Growth together will further bond the two of you closer together. Bonding will strength your relationship through any rain or hail to come. Experience New Things Together Schedule a day in the week where you each learn something new together. It could be trying out a new recipe, seeing a new movie together or learning how to speak a new language. Go through all the new things you have learned and ideas of activities you gathered during Step 3. Now you can go back and do them all again with your girl. Something me and boyfriend have tried is alternate the role of picking a Date idea each week. Eg. You choose a Date idea for this week, your partner will for the next. Each of you keep it a secret until the day of the Date. I recommend agreeing on a budget beforehand so your spending for a Date never surpasses a certain amount. This forces you to be on the lookout for ideas all the time, which is a great way to keep the spice in the relationship. Sooner or later you’ll be looking forward to this day every week. Ashley Kay 130


Have Fun A skill to be treasured is the ability to see the funny side of anything. Even those moments when everything goes wrong and you’re in the midst of an argument, finding the humorous side of things will keep the two of you always laughing, smiling and feeling good. Remember the effects of Emotional Programming. Aim to be around each other when you’re happy and feeling good, so whenever you see one another you will instantly feel happy and good. Avoid getting into arguments and then staying to battle it out head-to-head. Instead you should calmly walk away. Calm your nerves and emotions before coming together to talk rationally with one another. Focus on the fun and positive side of your relationship as well as in each other. Continue to tease, flirt and joke with one another. Don’t take yourself seriously and have the guts to laugh even in the middle of an argument. At the end of the day, small petty arguments aren’t worth getting your undies in a knot over. Be Passionate Flirt, be romantic, give massages, kisses and hugs. Let them know how you feel about them and don’t hold anything back! Don’t be afraid to show love and emotions. Be spontaneous! Passion doesn’t just have to be in the bedroom. People are drawn to others who have a passionate for something in life. Define your passion, things that are outside of the relationship and use a bit of that passion to fuel the relationship as well. Talk about things you’re passionate about and share everything with your partner. Passion is an addictive quality, one everyone is inspired by. Be Honest Above all else, be honest about yourself. Learn to get problems out in the open and work on solving problems together.

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The more you accomplish together and the more obstacles you overcome, the stronger the bond of your relationship. Being honest is one the most important things that hold a relationship together. Be honest with yourself and with your girl. Share your thoughts and feelings, whether good or bad and learn to talk about things with her. She will be able to offer you more insight into the problems than you’ll be able to. Even if you fear the response is not desirable, you may be surprised. Remember communication is also about being good listeners. Take the time to look your girl in the eyes when she’s talking and take in everything she says even if it may be “boring” to you. There will be times when you want to avoid conflict. Most people don’t like to deal with conflict directly. However it’s in a relationship when you need to address them the most. The best kind of relationship is when you’re loved for being you, whether you say or do the wrong things, your girl should accept and love you for you. This applies the other way around too. You must accept your woman for who she is. Don’t try to change her or even want to change her. Remember you wouldn’t be in love with her if she was any different. These 5 key components are really the RECIPE for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship: 1. Focusing on your continual growth. 2. Experience new things together. 3. Have fun. 4. Be passionate. 5. Be honest. If ever you feel lost, the tools you need to get back on track are all in here. Nothing is ever hopeless or lost. There is a lesson to be learnt everywhere. Ashley Kay 132


If You Have To Move On... Alright, sometimes you just have to accept defeat. There are some things you can’t change and it’s your ex girlfriend’s heart. If she has moved on and her heart is elsewhere, you’ll want to move on at this point. If you still feel a long way away from being over your ex girlfriend and this break up, you must take some time to figure out why that is. •

Are there certain qualities about her that you feel are “perfect” for you? That you fear you won’t find in another person?

•

Are you scared of dating new people and starting all over again?

•

Are you worried you won’t find anyone else? That you’re not “good enough”?

•

Are you scared this might happen to you again?

Look over the exercise you did in Understanding & Analysis: Step 4 – Do You Really Want Your Ex Back. What are your warped perceptions of a relationship and what is stopping you from looking for your “ideal” or “dream” relationship with someone else? I also highly recommend checking out http://ersurl.com/forum/ to get members support if you’re not coping with it well. The truth is the world is FULL of women perfect for you. In fact, if you met them, you would believe they were purposely made just for you. There is not just ONE soul mate for you. There are MANY. Hundreds in fact. Male and female. Some to be lovers for life, some to be friends for life. Others come and go to teach you a specific lesson at a certain point in your life. They are there to serve you and all you need to do is go out there and find them! Alright, but finding them is the hard part right?

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But is it really? The majority of couples that get together and get married are people who live within the same town, or work at the same company or study at the same schools. They all tend to believe they were just lucky to have found one another in the same place. The truth is your soul mate or dream partner is walking around everywhere! The key to finding them is to be OPEN to all possibilities. The worst thing you can do is to limit yourself to only certain “types” of people.

How to Know When She is The One? When you meet someone new, how do you know he’s the right one for you? Perhaps it’s the girl you’ve always been friends with, or the girl who just isn’t your usual type. How do you know you’re not passing up on something great? The real test or connection is when you know, upon meeting someone that you share a certain connection with them. This connection must be so strong, you can’t think of anything else and everything in your body pulls you towards that person. Even if it’s a girl whose not your “normal” type, or the girl who you have seen as “just friends”. These people could potentially be the love of your life but if you place beliefs on what she’ll be like as a romantic partner before you really find out, you’re really selling yourself short. If there’s some connection, even if it’s little or no physical attraction, give it a chance and see where it goes. You may be surprised.

On Dating I want to briefly touch on the prospect of dating. In other “Ex Back” products, they recommend Dating as one of the strategies for winning back your ex. I don’t really agree with this.

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I believe you should only date if you’ve moved on and completely ready to allow someone new into your heart. It is not fair to drag a third person into your affairs just for the sake of appearances. What if this person falls in love with you? What if you get more involved than you should? You certainly don’t need the extra drama. Now, dating when you’re READY is a different matter. It can be fun and a great way to get over your ex for good. There are many dating sites around, here are a few to check out: •

http://www.plentyoffish.com – free

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http://www.match.com – paid

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http://www.lavalife.com – partly paid

I met my sweetheart on PlentyOfFish.com, see if you can catch your lucky fish too! I want to thank you for investing in the Ex Recovery System: Get Her Back Edition. I hope with all my heart that it has been and will continue to be, a valuable source of information for your current and future relationships. Best Wishes, Ashley Kay

http://www.ExRecoverySystem.com

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Have A Question? No problem, send your questions to http://myadvicesupport.com

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243403579-Get-Her-Back.pdf

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