I WISH I HAD KNO KNOWN WN
Hard Won Leson For For An Awakened Life SHEROLD BARR
10 Tings I Wish I Had Known Beore I Was Tirty Hard Won Lessons or an Awakened Lie Copyright © 2013 by Sherold Barr All rights reserved. No part o this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any orm or by any means without written permission rom the author.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS Chapter 1: When Did You Star t Hiding? ............................................................................................. 1 Chapter 2: You Are Not Your Your Thoughts. ...............................................................................................6 Chapter 3: Your Body Is Your Guidance Guid ance System Sys tem to Your Right Righ t Life. Life . ...... ............ ............ ............. ............. .......... .... 11 Chapter 4: Happiness Is Created From Within: Stop Looking Outside Yourself........ 15 Chapter 5: Facing Fear Is A Victor Victoryy For Your Soul. ..................................................................... 21 Chapter 6: Be Willing To Suck..................................................................................................................28 Chapter 7: The Material World World Will Not Bring You You True True Happiness................................. 32 Chapter 8: How to Use Fear and Adversity Adversity to Live a Remarkable Remar kable Life. ........................ 39 Chapter 9: Awakening to Your Your Soul’s Destiny. Destiny.................................................................................48 Chapter 10: The World World Needs Your Help........................................................................................64 Acknowledgements ........................................................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................................................72 72 Author Bio ......................................................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................................................................... ..................74 74
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DEDICATION
his maniesto is dedicated to Byron Barker, my younger brother who was murdered in May 2005 at age 47. Byron went missing, his case became a homicide and his body was lost or three years. His case is one o the 6,000 cases that become “cold” in this country each year. Byron lived a big lie, was tremendously talented, dearly loved by all o my amily, but, sadly, associated with the wrong people. owards the last month o his lie, Byron expressed that he wanted to write a book. So, I’ve written my top 10 lie lessons as a gif to the younger generations to honor him and to share the gifs I learned rom my lietime.
Writing this maniesto or you was healing or me. I was able to look back through my lie, connect all the dots to see my Soul’s journey rom a wiser perspective. During the recove recovery ry rom my grie, I mapped out the defining moments o my lie, questioned my most painul, shame-based stories that I grew up believing about mysel and rewrote my past into one that is much more empowering. I gave mysel this unexpected “gif” o sel-love because o eeling this depth o compassion. As Steve Jobs said in his 2005 Commencement Address to Stanord University graduates, “… you can’t connect the dots looking orward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So we have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in our uture. Our higher Sel is whispering to us all the time. t ime. Our challenge is to learn to hear it and act on it. Tis approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my lie.”
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What I know or sure about my lie is how true tr ue these words are or me. I’ve connected the dots by looking back over my lie to see how they led me to where I am today. Every lie altering situation and twist and turn was or my Soul’s evolution. It was all or me. Afer Byron died, in my grie I had no idea what I wanted to do anymore. Each day I put one oot in ront o the other and listened to my body’s wisdom, and used Te Work Work o Byron Katie to question quest ion thoughts that caused me to suffer. By trusting my intuition and my body’s wisdom, it led me to my calling. My calling is to help people like you stop suffering rom your stories your ego is telling you and to help you find your true work in the world. It is to help entrepreneurs move through ear o all orms and using their divine gifs and talents, to play a bigger game. Trough the darkest time in my lie, I slowly opened to discover who I truly am and who I want to be. I am here to serve, and teach rom my lie lessons. What I want most or you is or you to view your lie as your own hero’s/shero’ s/shero’s journey journe y. Listen Li sten or your Soul’ S oul’ss call. cal l. I you reject it, keep listening and by all means accept it. I you don’t, it will come afer you, and physical symptoms will be your first clue. rust your gut, find what you love, and question your thoughts (slay your dragons) and go orth and be the change we desperately need to save our living planet. I want you to see that all o the adversity in your lie is here, not to break you down, but to break you open to all you can be – who you are supposed to be. It’s It’s here to show you what w hat holds meaning or you and how you can best use your one precious lie to be o service in the world. Tese words rom Steve Jobs are very powerul: “No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention o Lie. It is Lie Lie’’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way or the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long rom now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.” I hope this inspires you to ollow your intuition/ higher Sel and to notice what gives you energy and inspires you. Follow it and it won’t let you down. ~ Sherold Barr iv
CHAPTER 1
When Did You Start Star t Hiding? “Eighty percent o lie is showing up.” ~ up.” ~ Woody Allen
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started hiding when I was six years old. I was acting in my first school play and my part was a good one: a lady-in-waiting stationed right next to the Queen’s throne. Each one o us was introduced, one by one, in ront o the big velvet curtains beore the play started. So there I was, my little innocent six-year-old sel, in ront o those big velvet curtains, when my older brother and his riends began to “boo.” I roze. I wanted to hide and disappear. Te play started. I inched my way behind the t he queen’s throne and started star ted to crouch so s o I wouldn’t wouldn’t be seen. I wanted to run and hide, not stand up and ace the t he audience. Tis story has ofen flashed through my mind in the last five years, year s, as I have worked to create and promote my own brand, rather than continue to promote Fortune 500 businesses. Tis experience was triggered each time I went or a certification, or walked “on stage,” or aced a public evaluation o my work. Te vision o my shy sixyear-old sel appears. I squirm in my seat, and once again I long to run and hide. However I don’t; I hold her in my thoughts with great compassion. I mother her. I tell her that everything ever ything is going to be fine and then I just go or it.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
Here’s the real deal: you have to be willing to sit with this discomort, stop hiding, and practice courage. Tese uncomortable experiences bring up issues we need to work on. In my case it was about being vulnerable and eeling shame.
Acting with courage allows you to be seen and “show up. up.””
Brene Brown, author o Daring Greatly , and a presenter o one o the most popular “ed alks,” “Te Power o Vulnerability” and “Listening to Shame,” states that shame is the ear o ridicule, and that belittling can be used to manage people or keep them in line. According to Brown, the counter approach to scarcity and never eeling like you are enough is “wholeheartedness,” which at its core is vulnerability and worthiness. Wholeheartedness is the state where we can ace uncertainty, exposure and any emotional risk and believe that we are enough. Tink about your art, your work, or ideas you’ve been excited about, but which whi ch you didn’t didn’t ollow through on. Ask yoursel yourse l why you did not show up or yoursel with those ideas? Was the ear rejection or ridicule greater than your sense o sel-worth, or greater than your courage? Were you hiding? Tink through the worst that could have happened. Was it worth this sense o regret you now hold? Acting with courage allows you to be seen se en and “show up.” up.”
I you want to send your art out into the world, speak rom the stage, make a video or your business, or in other ways market yoursel or your product, you have to first recognize your vulnerability, then learn to work with it. How bad could ailing really be? Do you want to look back on your lie when you are 85 and wish you had “gone or it” in spite o
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Chapter 1: When Did You Start Hiding?
the ear? Look back and be proud that you were courageous, even i you ailed. It will always be the experiences you remember. Make them bold and courageous. ake small steps and practice courage. Tis is how you expand your comort zone. iny, consistent steps o action will take you to your dreams. Fear + action = Courage.
Brene’s book is outstanding, and I highly recommend you read it. Her personal vulnerability prayer is this: “Give me the courage to show up and let mysel be seen.” seen.” Another o my avorite authors and teachers is Angeles Arrien, cultural anthropologist and author o the Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths o the Warrior, eacher, Healer and Visionary. Angeles Visionary. Angeles has studied indigenous cultures and they all share similar wisdom. She writes and speaks o the courage o the warrior archetype that practices courage and remains in the present moment, and the healer archetype that pays attention to that which holds heart and meaning. “Te basis o Soul work is really to eliminate everything that gets in the way o my being mysel and to eed that which encourages me to be mysel.” ~ ~ Angeles Arrien HOW TO SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF:
1. Adopt a beginners mind. Be open and curious about lie; be willing to engage with others and be an active participant in whatever task in which you are involved. Tis is showing up. 2. Be intentional. Showing up is when you bring your genuine energy and ocus to the present moment. You are being intentional about wherever you are and open to what will come. 3. Practice courage. Here you must be the warrior. Acknowledge the ear, eel the vulnerability, but act anyway, regardless o its power over you. You will create the kind o courage that supports you through anything in lie and it will carry you to the ulfillment o your lie’s purpose. 4. Practice strong sel-worth. I believe that what we think and state out loud helps our subconscious mind ollo ollow. w. Announce
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
to yoursel in the mirror every morning, “I am enough. My selworth is stronger than my inner critic!” Believe it. Say it daily and make it real. ry adding your name, so that you are stating: “My name is Joe; I am strong and talented and creative. My sel-worth is stronger than that little critical voice. I will act and be open to what happens.” 5. Be in the present present moment. Again, think o the warrior, war rior, or whom choosing to be present is a great skill, and allow that concept and image to lend you courage. Tis is a lietime practice. Byron Katie has a great saying: “Personalities always want something.” Showing up is being you without an agenda. We all have motivations or why we do what we do. We want to be seen as smart, cool, or attractive. attra ctive. In monthly rotations o “Te Work,” (rom the “Institute o Te Work”) I was involved in many exercises with partners, which led to sel-evaluation. From these I learned I always wanted respect and to “do it right.” Tis pattern was how I wanted to be seen. It takes a lot o sel-awareness, understanding and ACION to break a habit like this.
Showing up is when you bring br ing your yo ur genuine energy and focus to the present moment.
6. Be present in a group meeting. Pay close attention when you go to the next group unction. Tink about what you want to get out o the meeting or interaction. How can you be present and not thinking about something else you have to do? Ask yoursel, what is my motivation here – how do I want to be seen? How do I want to show up? Note that it is your ego (your personality) that always wants something.
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Chapter 1: When Did You Start Hiding?
7. Be present when you meet someone. Te next time you are introduced to someone new, practice being completely present and authentic. Just be you without any motivations or masks. 8. Be present with those you love. Tink about your close relationships and notice how you could be more present and open. How could you more ully show up to those you love? Consider what showing up means or you and how it might transorm some old habits that keep you at a distance rom the present moment and people in your lie. What would that look like? 9. Speak the truth at all times. Showing up in your lie and paying attention to what moves you and calls to your heart will lead you to live more authentically. You will be able to speak the truth, without blaming or judging others, or yoursel. Not only will you grow in kindness, but in power, through this level o authenticity. 10. Take small action steps. We can hide in our work or business by overcomplicating things and procrastinating procrastinating.. o show up, take small steps o action and expand your comort zone to get your art (your work) and your true genius out into the world.
When you start showing up in your own lie, you will be amazed at the changes that begin be gin to occur! occur ! You’ll You’ll eel empowered, more alive, ali ve, more honest, more loving, more in touch with your heart and mind and desires. You are being you and that is what we all a ll want rom you. From this place, you will create success and joy, not only or yoursel but also or everyone around you!
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CHAPTER 2
You Are Not Your Your Thought Thou ghtss “What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? Te one who sees that.” ~ Eckhart olle olle
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our true power comes when you wake wa ke up and become conscious o your thoughts and belies.
I you stay in a job that deadens you, it’s a dragon that keeps you there. I you find yoursel stuck, it’s because o a dragon. What are the dragons? Tey are your thoughts and belies. Humans have the ability to create stories, thoughts and belies in the lef hemisphere o our brain, which also is the home o our ego. Tis part o your brain produces “monkey chatter” that reminds you o all the thousands o details o your lie. It also manages your identity and keeps track o who you are and how you compare to others. Unortunately or us, we tend to eel like losers when our minds go on a comparison est. In his book, A New Earth Earth,, Eckhart olle said, “Te ego tries to have you believe that you are your mind. It gains power this way. Tis means it takes you over, an imposter pretending to be you…When you recognize the unconsciousness in you, that which makes the recognition possiblee is the arising possibl arising consciousness, consciousness, is awakeni awakening. ng.” ” I we can learn to take responsibility or our thoughts we can change our lie. We get to choose, at every moment, what we think
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Chapter Chapt er 2: You Are Not Your Thoug Thoughts hts
and how we will eel. Your thoughts and experiences drive your emotions (eelings) and those emotions drive your behavior, giving you the results you have in your lie today. Tis is how you create your reality. Any thought that keeps you rom being happy is a lie! I you want to eel reedom, question your thoughts. Your true power comes when you wake up and become conscious o your thoughts and belies. How do you do that? By detaching and observing these dragons that are your thoughts. You see, i you are identified with your thinking and believe everything your lef brain spins as stories, then you are completely asleep and are being run by mental patterns. On the other hand, once you wake up, are aware o your thoughts and can detach and observe them, you can experience reedom and peace in your lie. SLAYING THE DRAGONS
“Only with absolute earlessness can we slay the dragons o mediocrity that invade our gardens.” ~ ~ George Lois When we set off into our inner journey, we begin our hero or shero’’s journey; shero journey ; it takes us, u s, metaphorically metaphorica lly,, across the swamplands sw amplands o lie. We walk over hills and dales and orge swif rivers and streams, even through the valley o the shadow o death. We meet all kinds o trials through lie. Tere are dragons to be slain! Tese dragons are the mental patterns – thoughts and belies – with which you identiy and which cause you suffering. Tese dragons can help wake you up or not. We can no longer blame others (parents, partners, siblings, jobs) or the outcome o our lives. Your task is to find your voice, own your truth, and listen or your Soul’s call to your true destiny. Ofen a catalytic event will be the cause o awakening; that is how it happened or me. More than eight years ago, my younger brother was murdered. His body was missing or three years, and now his case is cold. At the time, I knew intuitively that I could be taken down by this tragedy or I could work to understand it and go deep into my inner journey.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
Tis tragedy helped me find my truth, my voice and my lie’s calling. Wandering through this dark time in my lie, I ound my way to Te Work Work o Byron Katie and learned how I was in prison in my mind. I realized how I was murdering my brother over and over again each time I wondered how he died and i he suffered. I learned that any thought that caused me to eel anxiety, ear, anger, rustration, sadness—or any negative emotion—was a lie. I learned I needed to question these stressul thoughts; that is the way out o the suffering!
Any thought that keeps you from being happy happy is a lie!
You are the Soul inhabiting a human body that is having those thoughts, emotions and experiences in lie. All o us ace demons and trials in our inner and outer lives. One o the most challenging dragons o all is our inner lizard – our reptilian brain. Tis inner lizard pumps out lack and attack ears all day long. It’s good at it! It paralyzes us by scaring the heck out o us with rightening thoughts such “you are a raud,” “you aren’t good enough,”” “you don’t enough, don’t have what it takes, takes ,” or “who do d o you think thin k you are to ________.” ________.” You You can fill in the blank. blank . It scares us into submission. Tis inner lizard (our earul thoughts) undermines our sel-confidence, sel-worth and our ambitions. We listen and so we play small. We hide out or ear o being seen and rejected. aking the inner journey to awaken takes fierce takes fierce courage courage but but is so worth it. Your ego wants you to believe that you are your thoughts, that you are your mind. It gains power this way. Just becoming aware and observing your thoughts is the first step. Eckhart olle writes that thinking without awareness is the main dilemma o human existence. Again, rom Te New Earth, Earth, olle
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Chapter Chapt er 2: You Are Not Your Thoug Thoughts hts
wrote, “Te Ego is the dysunctional way the mind works. It can only dissolve when awareness arises. Awareness is consciousness prior to thought. When you no longer identiy with every thought that comes that is the end o the ego. Te ego can’t dissolve itsel, but awareness is the way to dissolve it.” HOW TO AWAKEN TO THE NEW CONSCIOUSNESS:
1. Learn to “be present” or a short time each day. Activities that can help oster presence are meditation, journaling, or yoga. Or sit outside and just be while doing nothing. 2. Stop seeking the approval o others. You do not need others to gain a sense o who you are; nor do you need their approval. When you seek approval, you are actually in the grip o your ego. 3. Become the observer o your thoughts. a) I you are a eeling type (you are someone who can readily access the emotions your body is communicating to you), try to be more aware o your body. Bring your awareness into your body and notice its physical sensations. Ten when you notice stress in your body, stop and ask yoursel what you were thinking that created that stressul eeling. b) I you are a thinking type, notice what you were just thinking. Sit with it and breathe. Just notice it and don’t try to push it away because what you resist will persist. Breathe and notice. Tis creates spaciousness in your body. Become present and notice. 4. Try a new way to deal with stress. Ask yoursel this question when you eel stressed: “What do I need in this moment right now?” What you will find is that you most likely need nothing in that moment. Expand the moment to calm yoursel. Your higher Sel or true nature lives in the place o the present moment. 5. Notice when your inner lizard is scaring you. Tis exercise will help detach you rom the earul voice in your head. Fill in these blanks:
I really, really, really want to __________________________. What scares me or comes up or me is __________________.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
My inner lizard says, “I am not ______________ enough, or __________ enough or _______ _______ to do this. this.”” What I can do now despite the ear is _____________________. _____________________ . 6. Learn L earn to steer your mind. Y Your our mind is the t he steering wheel o your lie and drives you unless you are conscious and awake. Learn to question any thought that causes you emotional pain, be b e it anxiety, rustration, sadness, anger or other stressul emotions. Using inquiry on any painul thought will bring you reedom and peace.
“So comes snow afer fire, and even dragons have their ending.” ~ J.R.R.olkien, Lord o Te Rings
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CHAPTER 3
Your Body Is Your Guidance System to Your Right Life “Te body never lies.” ~ ~ Martha Graham
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y body started shaking when I realized that it would be more painul to stay in my first marriage than to leave. For two days, I shook when I talked, when I ate, when I went to see my attorney. When I did anything I shook. I had an inner knowing that this decision was one that would save my lie. I I stayed in this marriage, I would end up with cancer or some other disease. wo days later when I made a final decision, I stopped shaking. We were to move rom Oregon to Florida. My husband had lef a month early and I had stayed behind to finish things up. I had resigned my job, sold my car and sold our house. I was 35 years old, with a three-and-a-hal year old son. I had no job, no house and no car. All o my amily was on the east coast. Although I was scared to death, deep inside I trusted my decision and went through a painul separation and later divorce. Within days o making this decision, riends called and invited me to dinner. Another good riend said she had an extra car to
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
lend me. A riend who had several rentals, rented me a house, then painted and fixed it up or us. Te community college where I worked hired me back. I will always remember that when I trusted my intuition and took this giant leap o aith, I voted or my lie. As Ray Bradbury put it, “You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
The ultimate goal in life is to wake up and become conscious.
Te ultimate goal in lie is to wake up and become conscious. o be mindul, and present. And one strong actor in this process is learning to listen with your body. Tink o it this way: your mind is the steering wheel o your lie, and your body is your navigation system that will guide you on the path to your higher purpose. Many o us are asleep at the wheel o our lie. In our technologically advanced society, we’ve lost touch with our bodies and have become accustomed to living through our minds and believing the stories we tell ourselves. You are guided in each moment o your lie by your senses: taste, touch, smell, sight and hearing. I believe your sixth sense is your intuition or your gut reaction, which influences every decision you make. Tis sixth sense is just as valid as the others, perhaps more so, in making a decision. Intuition also gives clues in the way your body eels. So, tuning into your body can guide you to your Soul’s destiny. Tis ‘body awareness” is the ability to ocus in on your sensations, emotions, and intuition, in the present moment, without listening to your rational mind. I you begin to ollow the simple idea o noticing your energy drains and gains, you are tuning into your body’s inner compass. I consider suffering to be any one o these emotions: depression,
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Chapter 3: Your Body Is Your Guidance System to Your Right Life
anxiety, rustration, anger, and stress. Tese emotions are the language your body speaks to you. When you ignore these messages, you can end up with physical symptoms or illnesses. HERE’S A SIMPLE EXERCISE TO TRY RIGHT NOW: Martha Beck Beck calls this the the Body Compass Compass exercise.
• ink of a time in your life when a negative event occurred. Y Your our mind images and thoughts will create the same physical sensations in your body b ody as i it’s happening right now. Your Your body doesn’ doesn’tt know i it’s happening or the first time or the tenth time. • Notice how your body feels. Is your gut tight, your shoulders bunched up, or is there pressure in your head? Are these the same places in your body where you normally eel stress? Stay with this eeling and ask it what it has to tell you. • Now take a deep breath and exhale. Tink o a time in your lie that was a high point, when you were happiest. As you notice the images in your mind, eel the eelings o this time in your lie. Notice the difference? When you think these thoughts thoug hts and see these images in your mind, it brings up positive emotions and physical sensations in your body.
Tere is an intuitive wisdom spoken by your body that is, by its very existence existence,, healing. Tis is because it turns you toward your true destiny. Your goal is to ollow those eelings o happiness and turn your body towards what energizes you and breathes lie into your body. Marcus Buckingham, author o Find Your Your Strongest Lie: What the Happiest and Most Successul Women Do Differently , believes that the happiest women don’t necessarily ollow their passions when choosing a career – they ollow their energy and listen to their t heir bodies.
FIVE STEPS TO LISTEN TO YOUR BODY’S GUIDANCE
1. Move toward what gives you a spark of enthusiasm and exciteexcitement. Move away rom what leaves you eeling as i you can’t drag yoursel out o bed in the morning, and your body will lead you to your best lie. Your body communicates to you in emotions and energy.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
2. Focus on what makes you eel strong. When you commit your lie to being true to yoursel, you are not committing to some arflung destiny or some grand dream. Instead, you are committing to the truth embodied in the present moment, the truth that in this specific moment, or no rational reason, energizes you. 3. Move toward the eelings o happiness. ake small steps and notice what makes you happy. Set clear intentions – decide right now to do one thing each day or week that only you want to do and that will bring you happiness. 4. Stop arguing with reality and “shoulding” all over yoursel. Stop doing things you “should” do or “have to do.” Who says you “should” do it? Drop this word rom your vocabulary. I you notice you are wishing things hadn’t happened the way they did, then you want reality to be different then it is. Byron Katie calls this “arguing with reality.” What happened was meant to happen because it did. 5. Your Soul directs you toward answers and a deepening deep ening o consciousness. Sit still, go inward and ask, “What truly matters most to me?” Ask. Dare to listen to your answer. Learn to trust the wisdom and the intuitions rom your body.
Your senses and intuition can provide you with rapid eedback. It will take a little practice, but i you get back into a great relationship with your body, it will always guide you to the right path or your lie!
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CHAPTER 4
Happiness Is Created from Within: Stop Lookin Lookingg Outside Your ourself self “Happiness is something that is not made, it comes rom your own actions.” ~ Dalai Lama
he day I realized that I had put mysel in prison was devastating to me. I elt such incredible sadness or what I had done to mysel. I cried harder than I can ever remember crying. Four years ago, as part o my training in “Te Institute o Te Work” o Byron Katie, I took Katie’s “No Body Intensive.” Tis is a five-day, guided exploration o our belie systems, which brings to awareness all aspects o identity: how we create it; what it eels like to us; and how we can un-create it. It is an unwrapping o your true nature, or who you really are without your “story.” It was during duri ng this five-day five-d ay intensive I asked aske d one o Katie’s long-time acilitators to work with me on thoughts and belies around my brother Byron’s murder. Te session and the results o the acilitation were nothing short o mind-blowing. I learned that I was “murdering Byron over and over again” each time I imagined how he might have died. I had been recreating the possibilities in my mind. His car had been ound across the state
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
line. Tese horriying mind-movies that I played over and over had caused me immense anxiety and trauma. What I have learned is my body is innocent. It simply does not know i I am experiencing this trauma the first time or the hundredth time.
You hold the keys to your own happiness; it is your responsibility.
So I suffered aresh each and every time. I also realized that as long as I continued to work with the Investigator o Violent Crimes and the police department to keep Byron’s cold case alive and to solve it, I was imprisoning mysel. I got ree that day. I realized I was the cause o my suffering. It was not caused by the actual a ctual circumstance circ umstance o my brother’s brother’s murder. It was how I thought about the circumstances c ircumstances that caused my suffering. Grie and prolonged suffering are two different things. When I realized the truth: that I, alone, was creating my continued suffering over my brother’s death, that very day was the day I ound compassion or mysel and or the journey o my whole lie. You hold the keys to your own happiness; it is your responsibility. Please get this into your head right now. It matters not what age you are now, this act holds true or your entire lie. You can’t make anyone else happy and no one can make you happy. Happiness comes rom within you, not rom any outside possession or person.
I you live your lie waiting or the perect partner, your weight to be what it was back in high school, or or a job that pays you more than you make now, orget it. You may never find happiness i it’s dependent on external sources. We tend to believe that situations,
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Chapter 4: Happiness Is Created Create d from Within: Stop Looking Outside Yourself
people or things cause our unhappiness. We suffer because these are all external to us, and we have no control. We ofen conuse who we are with the trappings o the external world: jobs; how we look physically; comparing our accomplishments to those o others; how much money we make or have; what cars we drive; and where w here we live. rue happiness is hard to find in our society i we continue to ocus on acquiring more, more and more. All o this constitutes a huge black hole—there is never enough to eed the hungry ghost o the ego. Sure, each one o us has a version ve rsion o our own “hell and back” ba ck” story in our lie. No one escapes lie’s tragedies and heartaches. But we can choose not to live our lives with stories that cause our suffering. What I do know or sure is this: It is how we use these experiences that is key. QUESTION YOUR STRESSFUL THOUGHTS
You get to choose at any moment to take your lie experience— the adversity you’ve aced—and use it to become stronger, or not. I you believe your thoughts without questioning them or the truth, you are at their mercy. I you want to get ree, you must question those thoughts that cause you emotional pain. Tere is a huge up side to even the most challenging and painul lie experiences we live. Tey break us open to whom we are supposed to be. I would not be doing what I do today had my brother not been killed. My lie and career paths were headed in a different direction. Stopping to question your negative thoughts, and stopping them in their tracks, will lead you to your inner Sel. Each o us was born with our own true nature o joy and love. Love is at our core, as well as truth and peace. So, you ask, how do I manage to achieve this questioning all the time? ruth be told, I don’t. It is a journey and a practice yet this is my intent; this is the place I want to live rom. I intend to live rom love and compassion, or others and mysel. I am doing the best I can in each moment and when I realize I am off course, or I am too caught up in my mind traps and stories, I question them to find my truth.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
NEURONS THAT FIRE TOGETHER, WIRE TOGETHER
Our brains are wired to remember the negative things in lie. Tis served a purpose in our evolution, when ear helped keep our ancestors alive. Scientific research has named this the negativity bias; the brain preerentially scans or threats and negative inormation, and stores that inormation and retrieves it preerentially.
By the practice of focused thought and “rewire” wire” ourselves to feeling, it is possible to “re experience our world any way way we choose.
However, our vulnerability to ear has crippling effects i not managed appropriately. Sure, we need to look both ways beore we cross the road, and have a healthy respect, or even ear, which can assist us in staying alive. But the level o ear we carry daily can paralyze us into the inability to reach our true, peaceul nature. Why is it easier to remember negative experiences than positive ones? Positive experiences that are rewarding get embedded in our brains into our “implicit memory.” Tis reers to memories o previous experiences exper iences we call on unconsciously to assist in the perormance o a task, such as riding a bike, or tying your shoes. You remember how to do it, with no memory o learning how to do it. Negative experiences are handled differently. Our brain helps us to survive and pass on our genes, by holding on to negative experiences in order to keep ke ep us sae. Tey remind us o danger. We We humans overestimate threats in the world, and we pay a lot o attention to perceived threats and the way we believe we are mistreated by others.
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Chapter 4: Happiness Is Created Create d from Within: Stop Looking Outside Yourself
Our brain catalogs and stores resentments, disappointments, ears and any negative issue we’ve experienced with someone. We also ocus on our own mistakes, perceived flaws, shameul experiences, eelings o guilt, and inadequacies. Our inner critic or inner judge (the voice in the head) is ofen on overdrive. Our bodies react more intensely to these negative experiences than to positive experiences. HOW TO BECOME HAPPIER AND MORE JOYFUL
So how do we ocus on the good in our lives? My riend Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist and author o Hardwiring Happiness, Happiness, and Buddha’s Brain: Te Practical Neuroscience o Love, Happiness and Wisdom, Wisdom, believes we must compensate or how quickly we remember the negative things in lie, by ocusing on the good that is around us. By increasing the intensity, the duration and the elt sense o happiness in your body each time you are in a positive experience, you are essentially creating new neural circuits to build in your brain. Neuroscientists at leading institutions like Harvard Medical School, Te University o Caliornia Los Angeles, Te University o oronto, and Te University o Caliornia San Diego, are researching in a new area called “neuroplasticity.” Tey are showing that the brain, through sel-directed ocus, can actually change its neural patterns as a result o the thoughts we think—we think —we can even dial up the “happiness set point!” By the practice o ocused thought and eeling, it is possible to “rewire” ourselves to experience our world any way we choose. In other words, you are using your mind to change your brain. Focusing on the Good
rue happiness is ound in states o being, in simple things. Let’s start by having you ocus on the things you are grateul or in your lie. A DAILY DAILY PRACTICE PR ACTICE
• Start the day with a gratitude list. For example, “I am happy the sun is out today, and I can hear the birds.” Pick one thing on your list to ocus on. Tink about how grateul you are about this thing.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
• Next feel the feeling of happiness. Breathe deeply and dwell on this eeling or at least 30 seconds. Notice how this shifs the eelings o your body. • Bring the feelings into your body – – this is your elt sense – and let it flow into your heart and heal the wounds and then flow out o your body like honey. I you notice you drif into thinking other thoughts, gently return to the grateul thought, which will bring back the sense o happiness. • Make an eort to share your happiness with others. Smile more ofen. Savor it. • Before you go to sleep at night, think about three things for which you are grateul, and then bring in the eelings to your body. Stay with them as long as possible.
Tis will build new pathways in your brain and i you do this on a consistent basis, you will eel happier and more at peace. You will find you are more open and available to other people in your lie. You will build a new reality o peace and joy or you and all those around you.
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CHAPTER 5
Facing Fear Is a Victor y for fo r Your Soul “Rule o thumb: the more important the call or action is to our own Soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will eel toward pursuing it.” ~ it.” ~ Steven Pressfield
M
y heart was pounding, my mouth and throat were dry and adrenaline was pumping throughout my body. We were saying goodbye to a couple we had just met as we backpacked in the desert. Although we were heading into the Grand Escalante Staircase to backpack in Coyote Gulch or five days into slot canyons and sacred Anasazi ground, my riend r iend had just given that couple all o our water. Tey were in a panic when we met them on the trail because they didn’t bring enough water on their day hike. Now we had no water. As it grew dark, we quickly put up our tent and set out walking in Coyote Gulch to find water. I was terrified. Not only was this unamiliar to me, I was concerned my riend would not know where we were going and we’d get lost. As we hiked, I spent a lot o time talking to God, and getting more and more rightened and stressed. However, the good news is that my riend knew exactly where to find water because he had been in this canyon beore. My daily mantra became “I am brave.” For five days o our hike, I repeated that thought over and over in my mind. It took a great deal
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
o courage or me to attempt this trip as it was out o my comort zone. Yet it’s ascinating that this trip comes to mind when I recall my avorite adventures in lie. What I learned was this: it’s the places that scare us the most that become the most memorable experiences in lie. Tese places become markers o courage and by stepping into the ear and walking through the fire, we gain sel-confidence and sel-trust. Go straight into what scares you—that’s your gold. YOUR YOU R INNER LIZARD
Te reptilian brain is our limbic system or as Dr. Jill Bolte aylor, author o My o My Stroke Stroke o Insight Insight describes describes it: “the emotional brain.” Its purpose is to broadcast survival ears, which keep all mammals alive in the wild. However, once our basic survival needs are taken cared or, our inner lizard continues to pump out “lack and attack” ears. When we experience eelings o sadness, joy, anger, rustration, or excitement, these emotions are generated by our limbic system. On the one hand, our reptilian brains are convinced that we lack everything we need: We don’t have enough love, time, money, or _______ (fill in the blank). On the other hand, something terrible is about to happen. You’ve heard the phrase “the other shoe is about to drop,” or “this can’t last” or “now that I have this good thing, something bad will happen.”
Go straight into what scares you you — that’s your gold.
Our reptilian brain served us well when we lived in caves and were hunters and gatherers. But when we wake up at night worrying about the job market, the economy, the Axis o Evil or Code Orange, this doesn’t serve us.
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Chapter 5: Facing Fear Is a Victory for Your Soul
Te solution? Become the watcher o your thoughts and notice those that smack o lack and attack. Te reptilian brain is hardwired around our brain stem, broadcasting ear impulses, but when you are in charge o your mind, you know that you don’t have to listen.
When you become the observer of your fearful or critical critical voice (inner critic), you lessen its power to unconsciously drive your behavior.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS
Remember rom Chapter 2 that you are not your thoughts? Get to know the voice o ear in your head. Tis voice is completely conditioned by the past: your childhood, your educational institutions, religious belies and your culture. I you listen to its critical thoughts and attach to what it is saying, it can cause you to eel anxious and earul. Tis blocks your creativity and problem-solving abilities. However, the truth is, you can separate yoursel rom this lizard voice. First, observe it – this is not you, it is just a voice. voice. Ask it, “Are “Are you here to help me or hold me back?” Tis is the voice that is trying to help you avoid shame, risk, and rejection. Welcome it in or tea. Don’t try to push it away – what you resist, persists. But don’t act on it. When you become the observer o your earul or critical voice (inner (inner critic), critic), you lessen its its power to unconscious unconsciously ly drive your behavior. According to Dr. Jill Bolte aylor, aylor, it takes t akes 90 seconds or us us to think a thought and send the physiological effects throughout our body. Where the mind goes, the body ollows. Do you really want to think that thought again?
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
You have the choice to become conscious, and wake up and notice what you are thinking. Your inner purpose is to become conscious and awaken. When you notice you are eeling ear, stop and observe the thought and just let it be. b e. You You can’t can’t stop a thought; thoug ht; just notice and breathe and let it pass. Ten shif to a better eeling thought. Te more you ear doing a particular job, such as starting your own business or writing your next book, the more you can be sure that this is your Soul’s calling. I like to think o this as a tug-owar between the ego and the Soul. o paraphrase Carl Jung, every death o the ego is a victory or your Soul. In his book, Mys Mysterium terium Coniunctionis,, Jung states that an experience with the sel is always Coniunctionis a deeat or the ego, but the death o the ego (the sel as you knew it) allows you to be reborn into one’s own wholeness, as projections are taken back. I interpret this as meaning: Every death o the ego is a victory or your Soul. uning in to your Soul’s Soul’s destiny is your lie 1 purpose.
Every death death of the ego is a victory for your soul.
So, this is your stretch goal. Tis is how sel-confidence is built. Te more ear stops you or keeps you stuck—the more you need to do it. Ask yoursel, “When I am 80, will I regret that I did NO do this? Te more impossible you ear it will be to do [fill in the blank with something you really want to do], the more important it is or your Soul’s evolution that you do it. Your Soul is calling you to move towards your dream. Commit to doing what you love even though it scares the hell out o you. Fear stops us rom living up to our ull potential and living a big lie. When we live in ear, we are living a small lie, hiding out, and we don’t take risks. 1
Carl Jung, Mysterium Conjuntionis, CW 14, para 778.
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Chapter 5: Facing Fear Is a Victory for Your Soul
HOW TO MANAGE YOUR FEARS
• Notice your fear. Tis is the first step. Acknowledge the ear. We We all have ears – we are wired or it. When you eel anxiety or the rush o adrenaline, just stop, notice and breathe. Whether it’s imagined or real, the first step in overcoming ear is to admit that it exists. • When you feel fear, ask yourself, is this fear real or am I imag ining it? Am I watching a mind-movie in the uture? What am I thinking about? Don’t try to push it away. As you just notice your earul voice, you will lessen its power to unconsciously drive your behavior. • Expand your comfort zone. As we grow up, we absorb some o the ears o those around us. We orm a mental zone that we call our comort zone. Tis is our sae zone where we eel secure to avoid eeling uncomortable. Start small and as you gain more confidence, expand your comort zone. Go to the edge o any dream that scares you – that’s where you are being called or your Soul’ss evolution. Soul’ e volution. • Here’s what I suggest: i you are excited and you eel ear, do it. I you would love to do it but eel araid, do it. I you want to take to sae route, take the uncertain route. Tis is how you grow, gain confidence and add a notch in your experience belt. Notice every time you make a choice to do something – especially something meaningul – are you choosing a sae choice? • Fear grows when you resist it. We tend to ignore things we are araid o or resist anything that eels uncomortable. Let’s say that money is an issue or you and you don’t want to look at your bills so you put them in a drawer without opening them. Or you are araid to look at your bank balance. What you resist persists. I you avoid looking at your finances and bills, it will create more anxiety and stress. • Analyze it and ask a sk yourself these questions: Where does your ear come rom? Is it real or imagined? What’s the worst thing that can happen. Can I deal with it or overcome it? Most o the time, the worst scenario is not as bad as we eared. In act, talking it through with a riend lessens the effect o ear. • Face it. Allow yoursel to eel ear in your body. Act in spite o your ear and treat is as a challenge to grow and become stronger. • Be persistent. Do the thing you ear over and over again. By doing it repeatedly, it loses its power over you and you become less vulnerable to it. You You actually desensitize desensitize the ear this this way. way.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
• Develop courage. Tis is how I have become more courageous in my lie: I have noticed what helps me to eel courageous, and that is to take risks. I ask mysel, what will I lose by doing this? In order to conquer a particular ear, you want to cultivate courage. When you become courageous, you develop sel-trust and build selconfidence. Tis is the healthy way to approach ear.
The more you are able to step into the present and accept the Now, the less you will suffer.
Separate the psychological condition o ear rom real immediate danger. Te images in our minds about the uture tend to create the emotions o unease, worry, anxiety, tension, stress or phobias. Coping with the present moment is much easier than coping with an uncertain uture. Te mind wants to deny the present moment or the “Now” and to escape rom it. You are in the here and now, while your mind is in the uture. Te more you are able to step into the present and accept the Now, Now, the less you will suffer. Realize the present prese nt moment is all you ever have. What I know or sure is this: When I conquered the ears o the experiences I eared the most, I elt the most alive… and these are the experiences that are my avorite ones to remember. My backpacking adventure in the Escalante Canyon’s will rank up there with other peak experiences I’ve had. aking the risk o hiking into the canyons helped me turn my ear into a quest or courage. On our last day in the canyon, I jumped or joy inside when we met a couple that where heading out o the canyon. Tey offered to give us a ride back to our car. Tey were taking a short cut out and it entailed climbing up a steep rock outcropping wearing our backpacks. I was so excited to finish this trip and inside so proud o mysel, that I scrambled up the sloping rock wall wearing my
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Chapter 5: Facing Fear Is a Victory for Your Soul
backpack without ear. Te wie however was extremely araid to go up. So I climbed back down and put on her pack, and guided her back up. Tat day I had no ear, only exhilaration. When we reached our car, my riend had two cold beers on ice. Beer never tasted this good – ever! Tis trip will be with me the rest o my lie.
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CHAPTER 6
Be Willing Will ing To Suck “Te moment we begin to ear the opinions o others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and rom motives o policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods o light light and lie no longer longer flow into into our souls.” ” ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
M
y ather once told me that God gave me the talent to be an artist.
Art was my passion.
My dream was to get a BFA (Bachelor o Fine Arts) in fiber. My work during those years was presented in a show and is in a book on handmade elt. Oh, how I could get lost in that creative place or hours, days, weeks and months! But I gave up my desire to be an artist in 1978. Resistance won.
I clearly remember thinking that i I couldn’t be the best, why bother? I wasn’t willing to not be be the best. My ego won the game. My Soul lost. Seth Godin asked these wonderul questions in one o his blog posts: “Is perect important? Do you eel the need to ail privately, not in public? How long can you wait beore it eels as though you’re succeeding? How open are you to receiving criticism?” Tese are thought provoking questions.
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Chapter 6: Be Willing To Suck
I phrase it slightly differently. You You have to be willing w illing to suck. su ck. What does that mean exactly? It means you are: Willing to appear stupid. Willing to be disappointed. Willing to be embarrassed. Willing to show up and take action. Willing to accept whatever comes back to you – be it compliments or criticism. Willing to be vulnerable. Willing to do what you love no matter what anyone thinks. Willing to break the rules. Willing to be earless. Willing to risk eeling shame. Willing to do what you want to do, not what others want you to do. Willing to look underneath shame and acknowledge the universal belie with which we all struggle, rom time to time that tells us, “I am not good enough.” Brene Brown Ph.D. is a research proessor at the University o Houston’s Graduate College o Social Work. While studying shame, vulnerability vulnerabili ty,, courage and authen authenticity ticity,, she has learned that shame is best defined as the ear o disconnection. “I other people find out _________ (fill in the blank with your ear), I will be rejected.” Brown postulates what is underneath shame is the same old ear or belie, “I’m not good enough.” Tere it is again, rearing its ugly head. And I see it on a daily basis with my clients. Tere is always a ear that holds them back rom doing something they are passionate about. It shows up in a variety o flavors: “I’m not smart enough, thin enough, experienced enough, beautiul enough, or rich enough.” Te true belie underneath these alse thoughts is ear o being vulnerable. I believe this is what stops us rom ulfilling our Soul’s destiny. Some people have a strong sense o sel-worth. Tey eel worthy o connection and love. What Brown ound was that these people have a sense o courage. Tey are willing to to be imperect. Tey know k now how to be compassionate with themselves and others. What I loved most in reading Brown’s work is the evidence that these people,
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
with a strong sense o their own worthiness, are authentic authentic.. Tey are willing to let go o who they “should” become and just be themselves with all their flaws. I want to share this idea with you: Be willing to show your warts, your flaws and all your imperections and love those parts o yoursel. Tey make up who you are. You’ll discover that people love you much more or being exactly who you are because you were willing to be vulnerable enough with us to share that part o yoursel with us. Tat builds a bond o trust.
The antidote is self-love. Practice random acts of kindness towards yourself.
What’s ascinating ascinati ng about vulnerability vulnerabi lity is when you move through it, it , without numbing yoursel with ood, alcohol, the Internet, shopping, V or other ways to distract yoursel rom eeling, you actually become happier and more connected to those around you. Brown says that when we numb-out a stressul eeling, we numb-out the good eelings as well – happiness, joy, play and un. Te antidote is sel-love. Practice random acts o kindness towards yoursel. I think I have an Annie Hall quality to me. It’s the spacey part o me that will shortcut my mind and blurt out something outrageous at the wrong time. On the other hand, I might ask the dumbest question you’ve heard in a long time. It’s a quirky side o me that I have ound unny and endearing. It has taken a long time, but I have now allen in love with “her.” I embrace her. I believe this is why my clients at Microsof loved working with me. I was good at my job, yes, but more to the point, I was authentic. Just know that what makes you who you are is your whole sel, not the açade and not the “Little Ms. Perect.” Be willing. Be courageous. Be earless. Be vulnerable. How do you do that?
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Chapter 6: Be Willing To Suck
HOW TO BE WILLING, COURAGEOUS, FEARLESS AND VULNERABLE
• Try looking back b ack on times in your life when you have experienced adversity. Where were you courageous? • Where were you willing to ask for help when you were vulnerable? • Where did you take risks? Tis is how you know your own level o resilience. You can count on yoursel by remembering how you got through it. Tis will help you find ways to be proud o yoursel. • Learn L earn to take risks and expand your comfort zone. Te more you do, the more you live up to your ull potential.
“I’m the only person I know that’s lost a quarter o a billion dollars in one year…. It’s very character-building.” ~ Steve Jobs Jobs Over the years, I have developed a philosophy regarding success: Te more times I strike out, the more chances I have o hitting a home run. I call it my “Hank Aaron” philosophy. I am willing to take a risk, to not do do it perectly, and to keep upping my game. “I have always elt that although someone may deeat me, and I strikeout in a ball game, the pitcher on the particular day was the best player. But I know when I see him again, I’m going to be ready or his curve ball. Failure is a part o success. Tere is no such thing as a bed o roses all your lie. But ailure will never stand in the way o success i you learn learn rom it.” it.” ~ Hank Aaron Now 34 years later, my Soul is calling me back to art – back to photography and watercolors, a new orm o art that I want to practice. Te game is not over yet. Here’s the difference: I am am now willing to suck at it because I love it.
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CHAPTER 7
The Mater Material ial Wor World ld Will Not Bri Bring ng You Happiness “Te difficulty with a purely materialistic interpretation o lie is that, in addition to ignoring an entire dimension o the mind, it does not deal effectively with the problems o o this lie. lie. A materialistic materialistic mind is an unstable unstable mind, or its its happiness happiness is built on transient, physical circumstances. Mental disease is as high among the affluent as it is among the poor, which is a clear indication o the limitations o the approach.” ~ ~ Dalai Lama
R
obert (not his real name) was a successul Wall Street financial broker, in his 40s, who attended one o my “Finding Your rue Destiny” online classes several years ago. He was struggling to find work that elt meaningul and purposeul to him. He was successul by all accounts: a good marriage to a beautiul wie, our young kids, and a home in Connecticut, rom which he commuted to the city to work during the week. Overall, this liestyle is what many o us aspire to have, but he shared the truth with me: He elt empty inside and trapped. When I asked him what he loved to do in his spare time, he brightened, and the energy in his voice doubled. He said, “I love to work with my hands. I love to build things!” An avid and skilled carpenter, he created unusual and beautiul coffee tables, end tables, and even unique birdhouses, which he gave to riends and amily. Build-
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Chapter 7: The Material Mate rial World World Will Not Bring Br ing You Happiness
ing just about anything elt good, elt right to him. It ed his Soul. He talked o buying a building, bui lding, remodeling remodeli ng it, and renting it or commercial use. His excitement was tangible through the phone lines. He elt chained to ”Te Man,” because he had a liestyle to keep up. How could he leave this job and the money he was making to do what he loved? But at the same time he elt as he was just running in place. Te thought kept popping into his mind: “It’s not worth it…” I know i Robert continues in his job he is at risk o becoming a dead man walking. Instilled in most o us as we grow up is the American dream: college, a choice corporate job, marriage, two-plus kids, a comortable house (with granite countertops!) and two cars. I we work hard enough, we can have the best things money can buy. Te pursuit o happiness is our right! We grow up believing that succeeding in the dream will create our happiness.
Happiness is created by feeling feeling fullled fullled,, by emotional emo tional connection connection,, by relationships, relatio nships, by unique experiences, and by achieving goals.
Our clever advertising industry uses psychology to condition us to be good little “consumers.” We are trained to long or and accumulate material goods; this increases the company bottom line. Te promise implicit in the advertising is our happiness! Having attained that desired new car, dishwasher, or iPad, we will be joyul and eel successul! Tis creates an obsession with status, achievement, image and material wealth on display. It even becomes competitive; which great new expensive restaurant do you requent? Are your children in the best schools and acing their education? Is your son dating the head cheerleader? Do you have the latest cars, toys and gadgets?
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
I you’re not winning at this image display displ ay,, the implication implicati on is that you are not successul, important, worthy. O course, deep under that belie hides the ear that you are not enough.
People reap greater happiness from experiences due to both the anticipation of the experience and the memories of it.
Sadly, we ofen equate our sel-worth with our ability to make a certain level o income, wear certain clothes, drive a BMW or Lexus, vacation in exotic locales, locales, and own a certain certain luxury type o home. home. Te media continues to churns out the message: you need this or that, you long or this or that, and you deserve this or that. It constantly eeds our need to buy more (appealing to our Inner Lizard o Lack). Te downside is we can find ourselves in our 50s or 60s with too way much “stuff” and chained to a job, a mortgage, and the liestyle we have built up and believe we must maintain. Nevertheless, we eel unsettled, unsatisfied and ask ourselves, “Is this all there is? We are conditioned to believe i we can make enough money and buy all the right things, we will be happy. We will be happy WHEN … _______ (fill in the blank.) blan k.) But are we? “More is better” is a bottomless pit; once you have obtained more, you want more, and then more. Tere is a psychological theory that attempts to identiy this. It is called the hedonic treadmill, sometimes reerred to as hedonic adaptation, the tendency or human beings to always return to the same, airly stable rate o happiness afer positive or negative events in their lives.2 Furthermore, people quickly become used to changes, however challenging, in order to maintain their usual level o happiness. For example, over time a purchase o a house becomes 2
Rosenbloom, Stephanie, “But Will It Make You Happy?” New York imes, August 7, 2010.
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Chapter 7: The Material Mate rial World World Will Not Bring Br ing You Happiness
the norm and we no longer derive pleasure rom it. In the late 90s, Michael Eysenck, a British psychologist, modified the hedonic adaptation concept somewhat, describing the “hedonic treadmill theory.” Tis compares the pursuit o happiness to a person on a treadt readmill, who has to keep working, keep on moving, just to stay in the same place. What all this means is that as our material possessions increase, so do our expectations. Over time we become desensitized towards our possessions and require more to sustain the same level o happiness. We may achieve material and commercial success in our culture, but at what cost? Have we sacrificed true happiness in our constant search or superficial pleasures and material possessions? In the U.S., rates o anxiety and depression are soaring. Anxiety disorders cost our country more than $40 billion each year 3, with hal o those people also fitting the criteria or depression. Something is amiss. Let’s look at happiness. Research over the last 15 years or so has shown that eeling ulfilled, by emotional connection, by relationships, by unique experiences, and by achieving goals, creates happiness. A lack o poverty contributes to happiness, o course, but in an interesting study rom Princeton University in 2010, 450,000 Americans were polled, revealing there is an approximate cutoff line o about $75,000 a year. It seems that no matter how much you make beyond that income line, you are not substantially happier. 4 Money doesn’t buy you happiness. Our moms were right! I am not saying that having abundance is a bad thing. We all need to have the resources to pay or our basic needs, and the best case scenario is to have enough lef over to pay or things we want: dining out, babysitters, health club memberships, paying down credit cards and allocating alloc ating money to savings. What I am saying is that working in a job that doesn’t bring you joy, happiness and passion, just to continue to pay or your material liestyle is not the path to happiness.
3
“Te Economic Burden o Anxiety Disorders,” a study commissioned by ADAA (Te Journal o Clinical Psychiatry, 60(7), July 1999). 1999). http://www http://www.adaa.org/ .adaa.org/ about-adaa/press-room/acts-statistics 4 Kahneman, D. and Deaton, A.“High income improves evaluation o lie but not emotional well-being,” Center or Health and Well-being, Princeton University, Princeton, NJ, http://www http://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/09/study-sa .inc.com/news/articles/2010/09/study-says-$75,000ys-$75,000can-buy-happiness.html
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning or lie. I don’t think that’s that’s what we’ we’re re really seeking. s eeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience o being alive, so that our lie experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually eel the the rapture rapture o o being alive. alive.” ” ~ ~ Joseph Campbell IT’S HOW YOU SPEND THE MONEY YOU MAKE THAT MATTERS.
Another recent research study ound similar weak connections between money and happiness. “I money doesn’t make you happy, then you probably aren’t spending it right,” 5 by Dunn, et al., Te Journal Jou rnal o o Consumer Consumer Adve Advertising rtising , ound that it is actually experiences that tend to create lasting lasti ng happiness or us, more than the acquisition o tangible items. HOW TO LIVE A HAPPIER AND MEANINGFUL LIFE:
1. Buy experiences that will engage you rather than material things. Research shows that the reason people reap greater happiness rom experiences is due to both the anticipation o the experience and the memories o it. 2. Plan experiences that take you outside your current comfort zone. Tis is where courage and sel-confidence live. In a previous chapter, I talked about my ulfilling experience hiking the Escalante Canyon. Tis memory is incredibly powerul or me, in part because I believe I am a risk taker, an adventurer and a traveler. Tis image o mysel is part o my identity. 3. Instead of buying one or two expensive trips or experiences, buy smaller, more frequent pleasures that will give you a variety o different experiences. Make a list o things you’ve always wanted to do but you believed weren’t or you; maybe they scared
5
Elizabeth W. Dunn, Daniel . Gilbert and imothy D. Wilson. ““I money doesn’t make you happy, then you probably aren’t spending it right,” University o British Columbia. http://www http://www.businessinsider .businessinsider.com/8-ways-that-m .com/8-ways-that-money-can-buyoney-can-buyhappiness-2012-11
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Chapter 7: The Material Mate rial World World Will Not Bring Br ing You Happiness
you just a bit. Choosing experiences that hold an element o surprise or novelty can contribute to the grand spice o lie! 4. Spend time planning your life experiences, anticipating the small and large adventures. Research also shows that anticipating an event creates a happiness actor.6 Mitchell et all 19977 ound that people viewed their vacation in a more positive light beore the experience than during it, and even their retrospective judgments were more positive as well. And those o us who spend time planning and anticipating more exciting experiences report being happier. (Bryant 2003) 8
Live a more meaningful life, follow what feels good, and focus on what matters: matter s: connect connection ion to those you love.
5. Redene the Dream. It’s up to us to redefine the dream to represent what really matters: creating a meaningul lie, contributing to community and society, valuing nature, and spending time with wit h amily and riends. What would make you truly t ruly excited, ulfilled, energized, challenged, and happy? How about those experiences that make up a ull-throttle lie: climbing that mountain, rafing that river, traveling to that country on your top 10 list, or simply having that dinner, outside under the stars, with someone special.
6
Wirtz, D, et al., “What to do on spring break? Te Role o Predicted, On-Line, and Remembered Experience in Future Choice” Choice” American Psychological Society Vol 14, No. 5, Sept. 2003. Univ. o Illinois. http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/ homepage/class/psy394u/Bower/05%20Con%20Distort%2 homepage/class/psy394u/Bower/05% 20Con%20Distort%20Mems/V 0Mems/Vacation%20 acation%20 memory.pd 7 Mitchell et al., 1997. “emporal “emporal adjustments in the evaluations o events: Te “rosy view.” Journal o Experimental Social Psychology, 33, 421–448. http://journal.sjdm.org/8228/jdm8228.html 8 Bryant, Fred, “Savoring Belies Inventory (SBI): A scale or measuring belies about savouring” Journal o Mental Health (2003) 12, 2, 175–196, Loyola University Chicago, C hicago, Chicago, Illinois, USA. http://www http://www.carolinemiller .carolinemiller.com/ino/Savor .com/ino/Savor-ing_Belie_Inventory_Bryant.pd
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Imagine that you are sitting in a rocking chair at age 85 on a ront porch, what memories will you relive? Will it be that house that you owned, that BMW you drove or that experience you had hiking in the Escalante Canyon that was such a stretch or you? Decide how you want to live your lie. What values are important to you? Are you excited by the thought o working or the rest o your lie to pay or all these things you own? Or by the thought o traveling, creating amazing experiences and adventures, and strong connections and memories with a partner, amily and riends? I you want to live a more meaningul and purposeul lie, ollow what eels good, and ocus on what matters: connection to those you love. Put your time and money toward what you value most and make your dreams happen!
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CHAPTER 8
How to Use Fear and Adver Adversity sity to Live a Remarkable Life “Lie will give you whatever experience is most helpul or the evolution o your consciousness. How How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” ~ Eckhart olle
W
hat do you believe is the worst thing that could ever happen to you?
I have had my worst ears come true. I was riding high in my personal and proessional lie. In the late 90s, having created a boutique PR firm niched in healthcare technology, I grew my company into a mid-six-figure business. I proudly represented Microsof’s healthcare solutions group and other healthcare sofware vendors to national media and analysts. Ten it happened. In 2005, my youngest brother Byron went rom being my brother, to a missing person, to a homicide victim, then eventually to a cold case statistic. For ten days, the whole amily waited in vain or Byron to return our more and more desperate phone calls. We filed a missing person report. Ten a ew days later I received an email inorming us that Byron’s car had been ound, across the state line, with a substantial amountt o blood in the trunk. amoun tr unk.
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All night long, night afer night, I lay in bed imagining what he must have elt like, bleeding, locked in the trunk o his car, not knowing what was happening or going to happen. I kept seeing and experiencing his panic. I played these mind movies over and over and was literally paralyzed by the terror o what was happening to my amily ami ly.. My mother went in or DNA testing, and it confirmed the blood in the trunk was Byron’s. Te case became an official homicide. As a mother to a son, mysel, the most difficult part o this was witnessing what my mother went through. Losing a child is a parent’s worst ear.. It ranks up there as a collective ear colle ctive worst ear. Tree years afer his disappearance, Byron’s skull and bones were ound on a remote arm outside the city where he lived. He had been shot in the head. Each new step o the way my amily and I went through hell, suffering the valley o the shadow o death. We were victims in a CSI episode episode that haunted haunted us or or years. While the finding o Byron’s body brought us some closure, we never knew who had murdered him. I thought by getting involved with the investigator o violent crimes I could manage to keep the case alive, but that only imprisoned me. Now, now, eight years later, his case is cold. Byron’s murder took me off my career path. Byron’ p ath. I downsized downsi zed my company to a ew clients and helped my staff find ull-time employment. And I grieved. I grieved or two years. I knew rom the beginning that it was up to me to make this mean something. I could use this to grow or it would take me down. It was a defining moment in my lie.
In 2007, I stepped orward on the journey o personal growth, meeting important teachers who changed the course o my lie. I saw that I had been living an egoic lie – the American dream. It is such a hungry ghost! It is never satisfied and is empty o meaning and purpose. With deep Soul searching I began to realize that even with the pain, I clearly belonged on this path. Tere was meaning to it all. I aced my own demons – my own shadows – and saw how I hadn’t shown up or mysel in my lie. Tis was not easy and it took me to my knees. However, I know taking action when we are araid ar aid is how we become courageous. Courage is being vulnerable and taking action anyway anyway..
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Chapter 8: How to Use Fear and Adversity to Live a Remarkable Life Li fe
I got to work. One o the first steps involved learning how to question any thought that caused me to suffer. Te result? Te most important truth that I want to share with you today: Any time I was suering with emotional pain, I believed a lie. I must now repeat this again: Question what you are thinking about, anytime you are suering from any type of emotional pain – anxiety anxiety,, rustration, anger, and sadness. Tis is how you find your truth.
Courage is being vulnerable and taking action anyway.
I discovered my thoughts and belies were the cause o my own suffering. Each Ea ch time I saw a mind-movie o Byron’ Byron’s blood in the trunk tru nk or imagined how he was killed, I suffered. In some horrible way I was murdering him over and over in my mind. I learned too that the meaning was not in keeping this cold case alive; that only threw me in prison and kept me a victim. My thoughts and mind-movies were imprisoning me. Tis painul work resulted in my seeing the good that came rom the tragedy o Byron’s death. o go inside, heal my own lie and ollow a path that elt more like my true calling. I also ound the gif o sel-compassion. Gazing back over my lie brought sadness to recognize how I beat mysel up over many defining moments in my lie. What I took away rom them, what I made them mean, the story that I told mysel, was simply not true. WE ENTER LIFE WITH OUR SOUL’S DESTINY
Deep in our human collective conscious is the belie that each o us comes into the world with a calling. Our Soul knows its destiny, and we choose our parents so that our Soul will have the conditions necessary to evolve to this destiny. Beore you were born, a guiding spirit, called “daimon” by the Greeks, joins the Soul, which contains the blueprint o your lie with your purpose and unction to give to the earth. Te Romans called this spirit your “genius,” while the Christian Chr istian term ter m is “guardian angel.” angel.”
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Each carries a slightly different meaning, yet each expresses something that we are, that we have, that is not the same as the persona that we think we are. Te daimon remembers your image – it is the carrier o your destiny. Te Soul o each o us gives us uniqueness beore we are born. It has selected an image or pattern to live here on earth upon arrival, and we orget everything that took place prior to our arrival.
The hero’s myth is the ultimate formula of self-realization.
I find this way o viewing lie gives me tremendous reedom. I we look at all the things that happen to us in our lie as a way or our Soul to evolve, we see these things are gifs to crack us open to whom we are meant to be. I we open our minds to a new way o living, we can see these traumas, disruptions, or break-ups as lie asking something o us in return.
Ask yoursel, what did lie ask o me rom that occurrence? What did I gain as a result? You might have to wait to look back but it’s there, I promise. Ten ask yoursel, “How can I use it to evolve my Soul and my lie?” Jungian Analyst James Hillman calls this “Te Acorn Teory.” Just as the acorn has the blueprint to become an oak tree and the caterpillar a beautiul butterfly, our Soul knows its destiny de stiny.. Our Soul is here in this lietime to evolve. Fear and adversity is a school or reedom fighters
Facing ear and adversity is necessary to open us up to who we are meant to be. We always have the reedom to choose how we experience these difficult times. We must walk through the fire o that which we ear most to find the gif o gold, the gold that resides in the hell o our past traumatic experiences. Te hero’ hero’s myth is the ultimate ult imate ormula o sel-realization sel -realization – this t his is our journey we all ace with ear and lie challenges. It’s how we look at these challenges that gives our lie meaning.
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Chapter 8: How to Use Fear and Adversity to Live a Remarkable Life Li fe
HOW I FACED FACED MY WORST FEAR IN LIFE
Losing a child is a parent’s worst ear, and I watched my mother suffer through it. Ten, I experienced the possibility in my own lie. In 2012, my then 28-year-old son was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease. It was a complete shock; he had been very healthy his whole lie. Within two weeks, we were riding a tidal wave o medical medica l tests and consults. In addition, every mother with whom we came in contact spoke these words, with horror in her eyes, “I just can’t imagine.” No, I had not imagined losing my son. Yet, Yet, when we learned le arned o his condition, conditio n, I experienced a powerul sense o knowing that that I had been training or the previous six years to be able to handle it. I remembered that Byron Katie teaches that the Universe is here to support us; it’s it’s a kind Universe. An example o this: my son landed in the ER the day beore we flew home rom five weeks o living in Baja, Mexico. I realized that it was truly a kind Universe to allow us to rest in preparation or this onslaught o medical interventions.
The mind seeks evidence for anything it believes.
e mind seeks evidence for anything it believes. Because o that this, I began to search or more proo more proo that it was a kind Universe. Te gifs were everywhere I looked:
1. My son had landed a job in Portland where we live just five months beore. 2. His coworkers were supportive and his job had health hea lth benefits to cover this. 3. All o our relationships deepened. I we believe bad things always happen to us, then we will find evidence to support that. I we look or the good in the difficult times or the afermath, it is always there.
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I watched my son get sicker and sicker or two long challenging months. I elt completely helpless. Yet, I knew that my thoughts were the cause o my suffering so I worked every ear that came up so that I could be as present as possible. Until we are willing to ace the worst thing that could happen to us, we will never be ree.
oday he has recovered; he is a year and a hal out rom his last medical intervention. He is cured o his genetic disease and has a second chance at lie.
Until we are willing to face the worst thing that could happen to us, we will never be free.
FROM THIS EXPERIENCE, I KNOW THESE THINGS ARE TRUE:
• Until we are willing to face the worst thing that could happen to us, we will never be ree. • I am proud to say that in that ve months, during that time I only truly suffered or two weeks when I was “uture-tripping” – I was watching a mind movie in the uture, suffering, and worrying. I was present as much as I could be, and I’m proud o that. I stayed with the eelings and rode the waves. When I was uture tripping one o those weeks, my son said, “Mom you are being so negative, you are worrying I will lose my job.” I was horrified because I was not conscious that I was worrying. He said, “Mom I am only trying to wake you up. up.” I believe my Soul needed him to come in and do just that. • I am a freedom ghter. I help women nd emotional and nancial reedom – by doing what they truly want to do. I help them find reedom rom their worst ears by helping them remove blockages to their highest success. o become a reedom fighter you must conront your worst ears, and research, learn, and take small steps.
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Chapter 8: How to Use Fear and Adversity to Live a Remarkable Life Li fe
• My son’s health crisis gave me the strength, courage and wisdom to know that I can handle anything that comes my way. at is true reedom. • Our fears and challenges in life are callings for us to step forward in a bigger way in our lie. What we ear most could be calling us to our Soul’ Soul’ss destiny dest iny..
Before you were born, a guiding spirit, called “daimon” by the Greeks, joins the Soul, which contains the the blueprint of your life with your purpose.
• We must walk through the re of our fear and adversity to get to the gold – the gold is our reedom and happiness. • Life is meaningful, no matter our circumstances. You get to choose how you think about the circumstances in lie. Our greatest task is to find that meaning or our lie, and one way to do this is to practice courage in difficult times.
HOW TO MAP OUT YOUR DEFINING MOMENTS
I know, in your lie, there have been positive and negative experiences that have defined and redefined you. Te powerul events become part o your consciousness because becaus e they changed who and what you thought you were. Tese defining moments orm your personality and your core belies, impact how you view the world, and are so powerul they can make you stronger or can take you down. A part o you is orever changed by these experiences – especially i they were catalytic.
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Ofen in a catalytic event, the instant it happens you are not the same. Your lie is changed. Tis brings up a multitude o thoughts, eelings and behaviors. o someone who has experienced a negative event such as an attack or robbery, the defining moment may bring up eelings o ear, saety issues or may create a view o the world as unsae. I want you to list the good and bad defining moments that changed your lie.
LIST 10 DEFINING MOMENTS THAT CHANGED YOUR LIFE
1. __________________________________________ 2. __________________________________________ 3. __________________________________________ 4. __________________________________________ 5. __________________________________________ 6. __________________________________________ 7. __________________________________________ 8. __________________________________________ 9. __________________________________________ 10. _________________________________________ What did you make each dening moment mean? Write down next to each defining moment the lesson you learned – your take away. away. We tend to orm a belie afer these that will drive our behavior in the uture. What you make these defining moments mean is the story you will live out in your lie. Tis is a powerul, lie-changing concept. Here’s the incredible piece of this: it’s not too late to change the story you tell yoursel about your lie! Tis is a chance or you to really think about what you took away as a lesson or meaning rom these events in your lie. I you become conscious o the meaning o each defining moment you can become clear about what your belies are, as a result.
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Ask yoursel: “Is this meaning I took away rom an event empowering me or disempowering me?” To answer this, try focusing on this question: Do you gain energy or energy or lose energy when when you think about this defining moment? I you lose energy and eel disempowered, question this belie you now have as a result. Consider looking at it a different way. You may be surprised that you can start to take away something completely different rom the experience.
I highly recommend Te Work o Byron Katie at http://thework. com. Go to the resources section and look up Helpline. You can call the Helpline or ree and get a trained acilitator to help you question a painul thought or belie. Te choice is our own whether a defining moment in our lives will become a positive or negative core belie. It is how we perceive and react to these moments that define us. It is never too late to rewrite your past and create a new story. It can change the course o your lie!
What you make these dening moments mean is the story stor y you will live live out in your life.
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CHAPTER 9
Awakening to Your Soul’s Destiny “Everyone has a calling and your real job is to figure out what that is and who you are meant to be and to find that as soon as possible. Success is about answering the call – sometimes the calling is in your neighborhood or just a whisper and to honor that whisper and ollow it. In my own lie, I had a strong belie that the calling was greater than than what was in my ront ront yard or or what my my grandmother grandmother wanted wanted me to be.” ” ~ Oprah
A
re you called to do something meaningul with your lie but you don’t don ’t know what it is?
Are you here to contribute but ear holds you back rom what you dream about doing? Are you trying to figure out how to ollow your passion but you don’t know how? What is a meaningul lie and how can you live one? Tese are questions o the seeker and i they resonate with you then you are looking or deeper meaning and purpose in your lie. In searching or a meaningul lie, you may find meaning in the adverse events that impacted your lie. How do we make sense o these lie events e vents when they can instantly change the trajectory o our lie? What is lie asking o us? o answer this question, I want to help you map your way back to your Soul’s calling, the seed o which was evident when you were
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a child. Ten o course the “Great Conditioning” happened and you orgot how to play, and how to get lost in time. As you grew up, you conormed and worked hard to fit in by doing what your parents, your schoolteachers, and your peers did. o ollow what society deemed was success. I you believed that your talents were present at birth because your Soul companion, your daimon, was there with the constant image o your destiny, then what clues are back in your childhood that might relate to your calling? You might try asking your daimon or guidance. Elizabeth Gilbert’s ed alk, entitled “Your Elusive Creative Genius” ocuses on the genius or daimon in each one o us. It never leaves us and has our best interest at heart; it helps us carry out our own unique destiny. Liz confides that she has experienced writing flowing to her rom a source she could not identiy. Her advice: show up consistently and ask or the divine help rom your genius/daimon. FINDING YOUR SOUL’S CALLING
Your lie is here or a purpose – perhaps bigger than the standard view o o the successul path in lie: lie: marriage, marriage, children children,, owning owning a home home and two cars. Your Soul is here to evolve in this lietime. I encourage you to look at your lie in a completely different way than you have ever looked at it beore. We will take the eagle view,, look back, and connect the dots to discover your daimon and view what it holds or you. I hope you will stay open to what I am saying with curiosity and wonder. O course, you don’t have to believe a word I write. “Te holy call is a revelation, an inner prompting, a vision, causing an individual to turn rom a personal, sel-centered and superficially expressed lie to that o a servant o the divine.” ~ David Spangler Spangler Sometimes we are called when we experience a catalytic event such as death, divorce, and loss o job or illness. Lie as we knew it is orever changed and so are we. A calling can bring us to our knees and cause us to suffer. A calling brings us out o our head and connects us to our heart.
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I have worked with quite a ew clients who achieved success in their careers yet elt empty. Tey did what society, their amily and their country asked them to do but they eel something is missing in their lie. Tey are araid they will die without having lived a meaningul lie.
Becoming self-aware (awakening) is the rst step in nding your purpose and calling.
THE CALL TO ADVENTURE: WHISPERS AND CALLS OF THE SOUL
Tis is the call that helps you become present, show up and firmly plant yoursel in the awareness o your strengths and values. It shows you the heart and meaning in your lie. Just think about how the terrible events o 9/11 shook you back into lie that day; suddenly priorities became clear and you elt deeply what was important to you and what was not. Becoming sel-aware (awakening) is the first step in finding your purpose and calling. Tere are clues in your early lie or you to uncover, to remember what your passions, dreams and curiosity showed you as a child. Your task is to t o show up as your most authentic authenti c version o o yoursel (not (not who you think you should should be) and use your strengths and values to guide your quest. o answer a call, you must ofen leave what you have known and what is comortable (as I did with my successul PR business) to launch an inner journey, to accept what your Soul calls you to do. Most people reject the call out o ear o uncertainty and the unknown. In Joseph Campbell’s classic Hero’s Journey , the Hero rejects the call. In rejecting the call, we ofen trade our authenticity and heart’s desire or money, a comortable liestyle that we don’t want to give up, and only later in lie we find that lie lacks meaning and
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purpose. During Dur ing times o transition and change, the call may bring up uncertainty uncertai nty and ear. Ten your inner critic voices all the reasons why you shouldn’t, you mustn’t heed heed that call. Tat inner critic can be very persuasive. o accept a call, you either do so out o choice (as I did) or the choice is made or you (divorce, a death in the amily or the loss o a job). Tese losses orce you to surrender. You have to learn to let go and let parts o your lie die. Lie has definite chapters and that chapter is closed. Tree years afer Byron was killed, killed , my husband and I went through a challenge in our marriage. I remembered what Marion Woodman, PhD, Jungian analyst said o her own marriage: that she and her husband Ross had been married 10 times. I was shocked when I first heard this; yet she went on to explain that there were chapters in her marriage. Tey were all different. Some chapters were better than others but they were chapters in their lives together. I was able to think o my marriage the same way, as having chapters. Te first was great. Te second chapter had many challenges, a chapter I did not want to experience again. I grieved the loss o what I had in the first chapter o my marriage in order to create a new chapter. We made a conscious decision to continue to grow together and work on ourselves. We are in the third chapter o our marriage – a happy one – afer 18 years o marriage! We both acknowledged that to stay together happily, we had to shake up the comort zone o our marriage and create new and exciting adventures together. Are you willing to surrender what you have known to move into the unknown?
There are many paths to the top of the mountain (enlightenment). The key is to be as present as possible, to live an awakened life, so that you are in charge of your mind. 51
10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
It ofen takes great courage to heed the call. When you are called to do something new, such as make your art and put yoursel online and out into the world, your inner critic comes out to play. I like to think o it this way: it’s a classic battle between the ego and the Soul. Your ego (lef brain) is the storyteller and narrator and the home o your language center and inner critic. Tis is where all the thoughts come, both positive and negative. When you are ready to finish your project, your piece o art, your digital book or your new business venture, and think about launching it out to the world, your inner critic will come out with these thoughts: “Who do you think you are?” or “You don’t have enough experience to do that.” You have to learn to discern the voices in the head. Don’t act on the negative voices. Just let the thoughts come and go while breathing all the while. Just be the observer o your thoughts. I want you to learn to listen or the whispers or calls rom your Soul. Tis is the deep place o “knowing,” where longings come rom – this is your true nature. While our yearnings and longings may not make sense at the time, i you learn to listen and watch your body’s symptoms and ask what your body is telling you, you will begin to see repeated symbols or signs and synchronicities. Write them down! Write down your dreams with the date and context context o what was going on that night beore the dream. Start ollowing what may appear to be isolated coincidences, or breadcrumbs, to ollow a new path. Be open and ollow what inspires you and gives you energy! Follow the eelings eeli ngs o what eels good and energizes energ izes you. You You may be surprised when you look back and connect the dots to see what has transpired. Most people will not ollow a calling until the pain is so great that it is more painul to do nothing than to make a change. We tend to look outside o ourselves or the answers. Te answers lie not outside, but inside you, and in the lie you have already lived. YOUR SOUL’S REVOLUTION
In the previous chapter, you outlined your defining moments, those moments that hold great meaning. You learned that you can choose whether those defining moments will become negative or positive core belies. Instead o making assumptions about ourselves that are not based on truth, believing something is wrong with us or making a story out o an experience and living out that story, we
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can choose to create a new story. It is an opportunity to transorm. Being aware that a big event might mean something or exist as a wakeup call is not enough. You have to live it – take it into action – or transormation to occur. “I tend to think that you ulfill your own destiny, whether you realize it or not. You may not become a celebrity. You may even experience lots o illness or divorce, or unhappiness. But I think there is still a thread o individual character that determines how you live through t hrough those things.” things.” ~ James Hillman (author and Jungian Analyst) You are able to create a complete reraming o how you have lived up to this point. You can adopt a different paradigm on how to look at lie and realize that these “defining moments” help you to wake up to what is most important. It can “break you open” to hear your Soul’s yearnings, longings and callings to ulfill your destiny and to serve the world by using your divine gifs you were given. THIS IS YOUR SOUL’S REVOLUTION.
Tere are many paths to the top o the mountain (enlightenment). (enlig htenment). Te key is to be as present as possible, to live an awakened awake ned lie, so that you are in charge o your mind. Ten you are able to create the lie you are called to live. THE CALL OF AN INDIVIDUAL DESTINY
As you read my philosophy, I invite you to keep an open mind. Tis is not a religious discussion. It is meant to spark your imagination and open your mind to another way o viewing your lie. Tis philosophy gives me immense reedom and openness to lie and whatever it brings me. I ask you to open your mind and i it resonates, pay attention to that. I not, this is not or you to read. Your heart holds the image o your destiny and calls you to it.
I want to tell you a myth – a story – and ask you to rerame how you view your lie. In this way you might redefine your lie experience and view it as a way o shaping you to live out your destiny dest iny..
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Your Soul is a spiritual being having a human experience on earth. It is ormless and timeless. Your Soul is that part o you that existed beore you were born and will exist afer you die. Te part o you connected to God and the Universe. It is that consciousness o the essence o you at your inner most being. It is the part o you that observes your sel – observes what you are thinking and can see your behavior as it is happening (your mode o operation). I believe the task in lie is to become conscious o our thoughts and belies, question anything that causes us emotional suffering, and to wake up out o the ego trance. Your goal is to awaken and become conscious o your behavior and your path in lie. You start by learning to watch the movie o your mind and notice how you behave, act and think. Notice, who is the watcher o your thoughts?
Your Soul is a spiritual being that is hav having ing a human experience exp erience on earth. ear th.
When you are triggered emotionally, it’s usually around people and circumstances in your lie. When you learn to notice notice and observe observ e without reaction, you will be less reactive. You become more present and aware. Eckhart olle calls this “spaciousness.” Each one o us is here on planet Earth to live out our own hero or shero’s Journey. It is imperative we awaken to our mind/ego and learn to discern the voice o the judge/inner critic and not attach to it emotionally. We are here to use ree will to choose and understand the law o cause and effect; it’s called karma. I believe we are here to heal karma. Our Soul’s lesson is to evolve. When you live from your Soul and your true nature, you are living through love. You are present in your lie, compassionate and operating rom a place o service, using divine gifs and talents that only you have.
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OUR SOUL KNOWS ITS TRUE DESTINY
“Te events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order… the continuous thread o revelation.” ~ ~ Eudora Welty So, onwards to the myth, the story. Tis is more legend than theory. the ory. It is Plato’s myth, which holds that you come into the world with a destiny, although he uses the word para word paradigma digma,, or paradigm, instead o destiny . James Hillman’s Acorn Teory, as you recall rom the previous chapter, theorizes there is an individual image that belongs to your Soul. Other religions and cultures carry this myth: it is present in the Kabbalah o Judaism, in the philosophy o the Hindus and Buddhists, the West Aricans, the Native Americans, and even the Mormons speak o this legend, myth or concept. Tis philosophy is similar to reincarnation or karma in that you enter the world with a particular preordained destiny. Tereore, many other cultures share this basic understanding o our human existence. But most o our revered western psychologists do not mention the concept at all. We simply do not grow up with this piece o cultural heritage intact, or our understanding, or to assist in the planning and living o our own lives. It is a powerul moment when we realize this! Ten we are able to look back over our lives, take in the accidents, or defining moments with a new viewpoint. We may see a great deal more when we include this philosophy! Questions will come up, surely, when we begin to do so; you will wonder i there is some other orce at work.
When you live from your Soul and your true nature, you are living through love.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
PLATO’S PLA TO’S MYTH OF O F ER
Plato’s Myth o Er shows us, in story orm, the method that our Souls may come back to learn lessons in each subsequent lietime. Te warrior Er, killed in battle, tells us o the aferlie, where Souls choose their lives and are given a divine spirit or “genius” to act as guardian. Er describes a huge unnel coming out o the sky, with people joyously laughing and singing as they dance out into a meadow. At the other end o the field, there is a large cavernous opening with people coming up rom an unseen place below; they were burned, dirty, or haggard. Some, such as murderers or tyrants, were not allowed to come out at all. Tose that came rom the openings, sinners and virtuous alike, were were allowed to wander wander around the meadow meadow viewing the tablets that displayed writings about particular lives. In Plato’s myth, everyone had his or her “lot,” the origin o “your lot in lie.” Er noticed that the people coming out o heaven were happy to pick up a lie (their lot) while those who came up rom hell chose very,, very careully very careully.. Acco According rding to Plato Plato’’s Myth, Souls must learn rom their painul experiences in lie and death and begin to choose careully, to know the difference between a good and a wicked lie. When all the Souls had chosen their lives, they drank rom the river o “orgetulness,” and went to sleep in the Plains o Let (orgetting), where all memory is orgotten. Ten during a great thunderstorm and earthquake, in an instant they were driven upwards to their birth, like stars shooting. In this way they were sent back to Earth to be reborn once more. Plato’s myth carries with it the hope (and perhaps promise) that i we live a holy lie we will eventually be released rom the cycle o reincarnation. In each lietime and during the periods o punishment or reward, we have the chance to become wiser, to learn and thereore grow spiritually. spiritually. And eventually be ree. Tis redemptive psychological actor provides incentive and inspiration or us to make better choices, and grow in our lives. STOP BLAMING YOUR PARENTS
According to the myth, beore you were born, your Soul selected your parents to help you learn the lessons you needed to learn in this lietime. Simply to survive your amily upbringing, you had to grow, to learn skills and talents so you could ulfill your destiny.
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We remember our childhoods in various ways. How do you remember yours? Was it ull o un, support, and encouragement rom your parents, or was it harsh or cold? Did you eel alone and unloved?
You have to t o question questi on what you believed as a result of any dening moment. If you don’t, it will drive your life unconsciously.
James Hillmans states, “Our lives may be determined less by our childhoods than by the way we have learned to imagine our childhoods. We are less damaged by the traumas o childhood than by the traumatic way we remember childhood as a time o unnecessary and externally caused calamities that wrongly shaped us.” Isn’t that a powerul new way to look at your past. Tat perhaps it is not memories o the past that holds what actually occurred , but your memories such power.
Tis is true o any defining moment in our lives where we created a meaning out o an event and the meaning did not serve us. One thing I know or sure: You have to question what you believed as a result o any defining moment. I you don’t, it will drive your lie unconsciously. Have you ever wondered how you came to be in your amily? Did you eel like a stranger rom a strange land? I grew up in a conservative, Republican amily in the South. My ather worked or Union Carbide and Oak Ridge National Laboratory Laboratory where they made parts o the first bomb. My hometown had 28,000 people, which elt way too small to me. I lef Oak Ridge or college at 18 and never returned except to visit my amily. I moved out West and have lived here ever since. While I love my amily more than anything, some o our views were opposite. Have you had that eeling as well? When you can stop blaming your parents or how they raised you, it can set you ree to be exactly who you were meant to be, to
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
ulfill your Soul’s calling. Tis is a much more empowered way to live than as a victim o circumstances. Your parents are your greatest teachers, as are your partners and children. Tey were selected or you by your Soul to provide the necessary conditions or you to reach your greatest potential. A calling needs to be seen, witnessed and recognized by the person who is guardian o that calling. I always had the intuitive sense that my lie had a special purpose although I had no idea what that might be. I was restless and yearned or a bigger lie. I you eel the same, it is important to use your body to guide you into this invisible land. Notice what eels true and right or you. Notice when you are energized by a way o being or doing something. Notice what eeds your Soul and when you eel most at home in the world. Nurture those ways o being and doing. A calling can be as much about a way o being in the world as it is about a way o doing things. I you suffered during childhood or were abused and neglected, you may be irritated with this view. However, what i that situation prepared you to do your greatest work today? I have a riend who suffered abuse and lived in many oster homes and today her calling is to help other women who have grown up suffering the same way she did. Only someone who has experienced that lie can truly understand how to help people rise up rom childhood traumas.
Notice what feeds your Soul and when you feel most at home in the world. Nurture those ways ways of being and doing.
Te daimon remembers what is in your image and belongs to your pattern, and thereore your daimon is the carrier o your destiny. Looking back over your lie and connecting the dots is a way to understand what is calling you. Even the accidents, traumas, and illnesses could be part o the grander plan demonstrating something else at work in your lie. When these adverse events happen, we suddenly realize what is important. And you may see things very different afer such an event.
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LOOK CAREFULL CAREFU LLY Y AT YOUR LIFE, LIFE , WITH REVERENCE.
Follow the stories you told yoursel, and question them to find your truth. In this way and you will find deeper meaning and purpose in your lie. Q. What challenges did you face growing up in your family? Q. What skills have you learned to survive your family of origin? Q. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. What strengths did you learn rom your adversities growing up? Q. What were you like as a child? Were you shy, introverted or boisterous? Q. What were you favorite things to do as a child? Did you play inside or outside? Q. What did you do as a child where you lost all track of time? Q. What talents did you have growing up? WHAT ARE YOUR HEART’S DESIRES?
Plotinus, an influential Greek philosopher, associated lie with desire. For every type o lie orm, whether animal, human, or plant, each action it takes is to satisy desire. It is acting to alter a state o deficiency that exists in the lie orm. Tis includes all obvious external desires, such as or ood, sleep, and warmth. It means the living being desires to change its current state in some way. However this concept also includes internal desire. Tis might include the desire to know, to understand, and to procreate, which may translate to the desire or immortality. But the greatest o these internal desires is certainly the drive to contemplate the “One” or the “good,” the center or essence o existence. Knowing and accepting that all o our actions are driven by desires, both external and internal, can ree us to honor those desires. Tey create thought, they create action, and they define our will to a great degree. Our soul leads us to ulfill its destiny by desire. It will lead us to our Soul’s calling i we listen.
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
LIST FIVE OF YO YOUR UR HEART’S DESIRES FOR YOUR LIFE.
1. __________________________________________ 2. __________________________________________ 3. __________________________________________ 4. __________________________________________ 5. __________________________________________ SOUL MAPPING AND LIVING YOU YOUR R CALLING
Reading lie backwards is the method we use to find clues to our Soul’s destiny. I call this Soul Mapping, where you connect the dots back to see the patterns in your lie. “When people say they are looking or the meaning o lie, what they are really looking or is a deep experience o it.” ~ Joseph Campbell Once you hone in on what has been calling you during your lie, what do you need to do to make it happen? Who do you need to become? I I believe my calling is to speak to, inspire, and shif people to awaken to their Soul’s destiny, what qualities would I need to bring orward? Would it be more courage, more experience speaking to overcome ears? Tis is a way to help you become the person you want to be in your lie. Te lie story o your Soul concerns experience. It is not a rational linear process. It can be ound in your dreams, your imagination, your antasies and your emotions. We have lie stories that we make out o dreams, crises, and insights. Your Your Soul story is made up o what you loved to play with and imagine as your grew up. Tis is ofen not something we ocus on in our adult lie. li e. I’m asking you to go back and find these clues to your calling and bring them back into your lie. A call not lived out can make your body ill. Notice the symptoms o your body and find reerences to them in Louise Hay’s landmark book, You Can Heal Your Lie. Lie. I you choose to ignore the call, ca ll, it won’t won’t go away. It will keep knocking at your door until you pay attention.
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CONNECTING THE DOTS BACKWARDS IN YOUR LIFE
o recognize your calling it’s important to look back over your lie and see the tragedies, traumas in childhood, middle and high school, your ears, curiosities, attractions, books that interested you, and what kept you preoccupied or hours. 1. What called to you as a child? 2. What called to you as a teen? 3. What called to you as a young adult? 4. What is calling you now? 5. When have you been called calle d to do something? 6. What callings did you ignore? 7. What catalytic event in your life gave you a new ne w calling? 8. What has heart and meaning to you? 9. What inspires you? 10. Who do you want to be in your life (not do, be)?
How can you nurture this calling and give it more o your attention, time and commit to it? How can you nurture this calling and honor it as a divine gif? “Are you paralyzed with ear? Tat’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like sel-dou sel-doubt, bt, ear is an indica indicator tor.. Fea Fearr tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule o thumb: the more scared we are o a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.” ~ Steven Pressfield, Te War o Art: Break Trough the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
FIND YOUR CALLING
o find your calling, it’s imperative to look or clues in your childhood to catch early glimpses in action. 1. Describe yourself emotionally as a child – were were you you bold, shy,, anxious, fearful, sad or angry? shy 2. What objects objects or toys did you play with as a child? 3. What was was your absolute favorite thing to do as a child? 4. What were the most memorable experiences of your childhood – positive and negative? 5. Did you experience loss or a death in the family? 6. What were were your your favorite favorite books to to read as a child? 7. Where did you you love playing – inside or outside outside – and describe your typical way o playing. 8. What did your your parents say say you were were like as a child? If you don don’t ’t know and they are alive, ask them. Or ask your siblings to describe you as a child. 9. What was was your favorite subject in elementary elementary,, junior high, high school and college? 10. List three things - people, places or books that have influenced your lie. 11. Did you feel seen for who you were as a child? If so, by whom and how did they acknowledge you and or what gifs or talents? 12. What is your favorite hobby or activity you do as an adult that causes you to lose track o time? WHAT WHA T GIVES US MEANING IN LIFE?
Soul is a symbol or the place rom which meaning grows. It is the spiritual place. Ask yoursel these questions each day and write down your answers to see the pattern o what gives your heart meaning. Tese are rom Angeles Arrien: • Who or what inspired me today? • Where did I experience a sense of comfort, peace, peac e, and balance? • What (not who) made me happy today?
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Chapter 9: Awakening to Your Soul’s Destiny
I ound my calling through suffering and then the revelations I had during my own growth work and questioning the stories I believed. I learned compassion and a deep love o my sel through my own suffering and looking back on my lie to see how I had hurt mysel by believing my stories. I no longer live my lie rom my mind’s perspective but rom my Soul and body perspective. I have a clear purpose in my lie now. I wish you good ortune and blessings as you realize your own true goal in lie: to discover your Soul’s calling and to awaken to your true purpose!
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CHAPTER 10
The Wor World ld Needs Your Help “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.” ~ Carl Jung
W
hat story will your lie tell about you? You have the rest o your lie ahead o you. How do you want to use it, to live it? What mark will you leave on the earth? Te world needs your help. Paul Hawken, renowned environmentalist, entrepreneur, journalist, and author o Blessed Unrest , noted in his 2009 Commencement address to the University o Portland, that your generation “…will have to figure out how to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate o decline is accelerating. We need your energy, passion, and commitment to help us save our living planet. We raised you to believe that you could accomplish your dreams. Tat you could do anything you set your mind to do.” 9
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Paul, Hawken. University o Portland, “ Commencement: Healing or Stealing? Te unorgettable Commencement Address 2009. .” Last modified June, 2009. Accessed December 16, 2013. http://www http://www.up.edu/comm .up.edu/commencement/deault. encement/deault. aspx?cid=9456
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Chapter 10: The World Needs Your Help
Some say the Millennials, also known as Generation Y, or the Peter Pan Generation, reerring to those born roughly 1980-200010 are a generation o narcissists … Data rom the National Health Institute (NIH) does show college students scored higher on the narcissism scale in 2009 than they did in 1982. You have been brought up in the Inormation Revolution, which may contribute to the longing or ame that some studies have shown applies to your generation.
60 percent of Millennials follow what feels right in any given situation. But here is the piece that is more valid, in my view view:: Te National Study o Youth and Religion ound that 60 percent o Millennials ollow what eels right in any given situation. 11 Tis concentration on sel may actually lead to stronger sense o sel-worth, autonomy, and ability to hold skepticism o authority, especially that which is discounted and illogical. It may even lead to a stronger connection to intuition. Tis greater sense o sel is part par t o the process o awakening and development we need on our planet. Oprah Winrey confirmed the strength in your generation, in her eloquent 2013 commencement address to Harvard Graduates: “You’re the generation that rejected predictions about your detachment and disengagement by showing up to vote in record numbers in 2008. And the pundits said you’d be too disappointed and too dejected to repeat that same kind o turnout in the 2012 election, and you proved them wrong by showing up in even greater numbers. Tat’s who you are.” What I believe and trust is that your generation will take the qualities o confidence and strength o spirit and use them or the greater good rather than being sel-ocused. Can you ollow what eels right and marry that with the values o the community to which you belong? Can you ocus on serving? Can you do better than my generation, the Baby Boomers, well intentioned though we were? 10
Wikipedia, “Millennials.” “Millennials.” Last modified December 13, 2013. Accessed December 16, 2013. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennials. 11 http://www.youthandreligio http://www .youthandreligion.org/ n.org/
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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Thirty
I believe you can and you will. I believe b elieve we raised raise d you to be change agents and to bust the status quo. We encouraged you not to to tread the path the Baby Boomers trod: the American dream o materialism. We believed that in graduating rom college, working or someone else, getting married, having children, and sinking into debt to buy the requisite house and two cars, that we would be happy.
We have forgotten what animals and plants still know: how to be. It is in stillness we will nd what is needed to save the planet. Yet we are an overed, in debt, warring nation, struggling with anxiety and other psychological issues. Approximately 35 percent o American adults and 17 percent o American children are diagnosed as obese, according to the Centers or Disease Control. Financially, among the most populated countries, the United States ranks second, behind Japan, in terms o debt as a percentage o GDP. 12 Anxiety disorders are on the rise among the general population, but even more severely in the military. o quote a recent ime Magazine article by Mark Tompson, entitled, “Anxiety Disorders on the Rise in the Ranks,” “…incidence rates o mental disorders overall and anxiety disorders in particular have increased sharply among U.S. military members during the past 10 years.”13 Recently the Pentagon confirmed it: the rate o reported anxiety disorders among U.S. troops jumped 327% between 2000 and 2012. 14
12
Veronique, de Rugy. Mercatus Center, George Mason University, “How Does the US Debt Position Compare with Other Countries?.” Countries?.” Last modified October 22, 2013. Accessed December 16, 2013. http://mercatus.org/publicati http://mercatus.org/publication/howon/howdoes-us-debt-position-compare-other-countries. 13 Mark, Tompson. ime Magazine, “Anxiety “Anxiety Disorders on the Rise in the Ranks.”” Last modified Novem Ranks. November ber 5, 2013. Accessed December 16, 2013. http:// swampland.time.com/2013/11/05/anxiety-disorders-on-the-rise-in-the-ranks/ 14 Ibid.
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Sadly, mental illness o all kinds is increasingly widespread in the U.S., affecting around one in five American adults every year, according to a survey rom the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Admini Administration. stration.15
How can you harness your power and passion with your peers to sa save ve our planet? Let’s look urther Let’s ur ther afield rom the t he U.S. U.S. Tere are great shadows that t hat need attention. attention. Tanks to the t he Internet, we are connected globally; we can reach out to our tribe, to the people who share our worldview. We are aware o the world’s problems, that our earth’s resources are in danger, and that people are threatened and ofen suffering. Just one example in the plethora o troubles is the oppression women have aced, across the globe, or many centuries. In Nicholas Kristo and Chery Cheryll WuDunn’ WuDunn’s book, Hal the Sky: urning Oppression into Opportunity or Women Worldwide, Worldwide, the data show that “More girls were killed in the last 50 years, precisely because they were girls, than men killed in all the wars in the 20th century. More girls are killed in this routine gendercide in any one decade than people were slaughtered in all the genocides o the 20th century.” So, with all those various startling statistics on the state o our country and the world, how can you help? How can you harness your power and passion with your peers to save our nation, to save our planet? Te answer is to become aware. Eckhart olle, author o A o A New Earth: Awakening to Your Lie Purpose, Purpose, writes that humans have lost touch with the stillness still ness inside and our connection to nature. We We have orgotten what animals and plants still know: how to be. It is in stillness we will find what is needed to save the planet. We must connect 15
Pamela, Engel. Business Insider, “Some Alarming Facts About Mental Illness In America.” Last modified October 10, 2013. Accessed December 16, 2013. http:// www.businessinsider.co www.b usinessinsider.com/us-mental-health-statistics-2013-1 m/us-mental-health-statistics-2013-100
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with our higher selves, the voice within, the truth o our purpose and mission here on earth. We cannot achieve this running every minute o every day, looking outward. Once aware, you must ollow the voice within and you will find your passion and your purpose. o quote Oprah Winrey, “You will find true success and happiness i you have only one goal. Tere really is only one, and that is this: o ulfill the highest, most truthul expression o yoursel as a human being.”16
We are all summoned to give ourselves to the world in some way way.. A summons is always a task of service. I always believed, deep down, that I was here on this earth, in this lie, or a purpose purpose,, though or many years I had no idea what that was. Now I know; I understand why I am here. Afer surviving the unimaginable and even learning to thrive despite it, I know my purpose is to help you wake up, to buck the status quo, to not believe believe everything you were told. I believe I am here to help you get quiet, get still, question your mind, find your truth and awaken to your Soul’s destiny. Tis is the major task involved in being human: we must become conscious, question authority, and question the belies our amilies, institutions, religions, media and culture taught us. Although powerully conditioned to these belies, unless you question them, you will never know i you are living your truth. You must listen to the only voice that matters: your higher Sel, not your little sel (ego). Te voice in the head is not the real you. Tat is your ego, your conditioned mind. Te higher Sel will offer guidance or the betterment o our planet, while the little sel, the ego, will only think o its own greedy demands. 16
Oprah, Winrey. Harvard University, “Harvard Gazette.” Last modified May 31, 2013. Accessed December 16, 2013. http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/05/winreys-commencement-address/.
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We are all summoned to give ourselves to the world in some way. A summons is always a task o service. Although we may not wish the summons to define our entire lives or existence, it is a powerul and ulfilling opportunity to contribute to the whole. Te giver, the hero, the shaman, is each transormed in some way. Sometimes pieces that we do not know about ourselves are seen clearly or the first time. With this transormation, there is growth; a development o sel takes place. Tere are many many thoughtul, caring individuals indiv iduals leading this thought platorm. In his 2009 Commencement address to the University o Portland called “Healing or Stealing?” Paul Hawken spoke eloquently: “We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time rather than renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can’t print lie to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the uture, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product.” 17 Te message o his address to these young graduating students was hopeul, however. He presented the options succinctly: “We can just as easily have an econo economy my that is based on healing the t he uture instead o stealing it. We can either create assets or the uture or take the assets o the uture. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working or the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.”18 Another voice supporting the healing way orward is Riane Eisler, President o the Center or Partnership Studies and author o Te Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future and Te Real Wealth o Nations: Creating a Caring Economics. Described in Wikipedia as “a cultural historian and an evolutionary theorist,” 19 she writes, “I we are to have more resilient people and communities we must accelerate the cultural shif away rom the domination systems we have inherited – man over nature, man over man, nation over nation and man over woman…” Eisler believes, as I do, that we must reexamine the values that drive economic systems – what is valued and 17
Paul, Hawken. University o Portland, “ Commencement: Healing or Stealing? Te unorgettable Commencement Address 2009. .” Last modified June, 2009. Accessed December 16, 2013. http://www http://www.up.edu/comm .up.edu/commencement/deault. encement/deault. aspx?cid=9456 18 Ibid. 19 Wikipedia, “Riane Eisler.” Last modified December 5, 2013. Accessed December 16, 2013. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riane_Eisler. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riane_Eisler.
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not valued. We need social policies that invest in caring or people and nature, one that begins in early childhood, and one that will care or our planet. Tis is where you come in! Te management o our world is nearly in your hands. It needs you. Your ego (the voice in the head) will say a variety o these things to you: “Who do you think you are to do _____________.” _____________.” Or, “Y “You are not good enough to achieve __________.”” Or “You __________. “You don’t don’t know enough about ab out __________ to do do ___________.”
Failure is a requisite step on the path to success.
Your ego doesn doe sn’t ’t want you to ail ai l yet i you don’t don’t try you will never succeed. Failure is a requisite step on the path to success. Many amous, extremely successul people in history have confirmed this: Dale Carnegie is quoted as saying, “Develop success rom ailures. Discouragement and ailure are two o the surest stepping stones to success.” More recently, we heard rom Michael Jordan: “I’ve ailed over and over and over again in my lie and that is why I succeed.” So put your ear e ar o ailure aside. as ide. Your Your ego will attempt to convince you that you will be shamed or laughed at. It will create excuses, resistance, resistanc e, procrastination, procrastination, perectionism, and a host o other tactics to keep you rom doing your Soul’s work in this lietime. But each time you reduce the power o the Ego, you turn up the power o your Soul. I am rooting or your Soul! So, it comes down to: Who do you want to be? b e? Who are you meant to be? What conditions do you need to become that person? What type o people would you need to spend time with to create those conditions?
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Even though I learned these lessons through difficult circumstances, I understand it helped me to wake up and become conscious. I accepted the call o my Soul. I have brought this inormation back to share with you rom my own journey. How can your lie be empowered with this knowledge? Listen to that small still voice deep within you, ollow your heart and your passion, and do what truly makes you eel alive. What an exciting prospect! Armed with this guidance and the “ten things I wish I had known beore I was thirty,” I know you can live l ive a happy, happy, rewarding lie. li e. From the bottom o my heart I wish you joy and great success. You may very well change the world!
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS o Seth Godin or inspiring me to “just do it” and write and ship this digital maniesto, and also or modeling wisdom and generosity in a connection economy. o Ishita Gupta or her support, encouragement, and coaching to keep me writing and get it done. o Diana Solomon or editing this book and especially or her encouragement to keep writing. o Seth Godin, Colleen Wainwright, Jennier Louden, Pam Slim, and Dyana Valentine or their generosity in sharing their wisdom as part o “What I Know Now” video series. o Byron Katie or creating Te Work that is the orm o inquiry, which helped me wake up and stop suffering rom my thoughts and belies. It was Katie’ Katie’s teachings about a “kind Universe” that helped me integrate that into my experiences with my son and to accept “what is” even in the ace o the unimaginable. o Martha Beck, or bucking the status quo and orming “Te eam.” o Martha Blake, Jungian Analyst, or her ongoing support and deep body o wisdom she shared with me afer Byron’s murder to help me heal, and her encouragement to listen to the Oracular message o my dreams.
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o John, or his courage in going to Byron Katie’s “No Body Intensive” when he didn’t know her work, or being willing to do his own work, and especially or his generous heart. o my clients, who inspire me daily with their vulnerability, courage and willingness to do their inner work. It takes courage to become sel-aware, and you are why I love my work. Tis maniesto is especially dedicated to my courageous and wise son Max. As I watched you ace a lie-threatening illness and ace the unimaginable, I realized that you were my teacher who showed me the true meaning o courage. You inspire me to stay strong in the ace o all lie hands me. I’m so proud that your Soul picked me to be your mom. I believe that I needed you to help me wake up and become conscious. You have inspired me to help your generation understand the meaning o lie and awaken to their Soul’s destiny.
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My biggest skill and passion is to help women do what feels impossible to them.
AUTHOR BIO:
Sherold Barr
I
am a Master Life Coach, Coach to Women Entrepreneurs, and Freedom Fighter. Launching orward rom my successul career as a multi-ambitious entrepreneur in marketing, communications, Fortune 500 consulting and real estate, I synthesized that expertise and experience with thousands o hours o personal development and empowerment training. Studying with gurus Seth Godin and Marie Forleo rocked my online business mojo with marketing, I’ve been personally mentored by Oprah’s lie coach o choice, Martha Beck, and I continue to study the art o selinquiry at “Te Institute or Te Work” o Byron Katie. Tis is a lielong dedication.
I encourage and inspire women entrepreneurs who may be “playing small,” struggling in their businesses, to stretch out, find their ideal clients, enjoy rewarding success, and make more money. I also help proessional women who are unhappy with their jobs to launch a profitable online business. Whether Whethe r it’s it’s helping an entrepreneur start a Mama Revolution in Europe to help young mamas start online businesses or helping a designer move rom a corporate job to start her own business and make six figures, my clients ollow their hearts to serve with their own unique gifs. But my biggest skill and passion is to help women do what eels impossible to impossible to them.
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I am amazing at seeing a vision or my clients that is larger than they allow themselves to see. My “super-power” is helping women get out o their own way, by urging them to question anything that is holding them back or keeping them stuck. I have devoted most o my lie to doing things that might eel impossible to others: landing jobs without direct experience, launching a business that quickly became a multi-six figure business, and hiking to 11,000 eet in the Himalayas to commune with villagers in Bhutan that had never seen a group o westerners! Having devoted my lie to living lie on my own terms, creating two businesses that support my amily lie and independent liestyle, I now bring these skills to others. I am amazing at showing women who are araid to be seen how to courageously show up and bring their divine gifs into the world. When you work with me you can expect my support in helping you see a bigger vision o your dream, and map it out in a sustainable business. With my help, you will turn your ears into rocket uel! You’ll probably be surprised and delighted by the act that this process can actually be reeing, and you will eel more alive and be willing to take more risks. I am here to remind you that anything is possible i you believe it is. WHAT’S YOUR IMPOSSIBLE? To nd out more about Sherold, please visit http://sheroldbarr.com or http://sheroldbarr.com or click here here to to schedule a 15-minute Business Breakthrough Session or Life Clarity Session.
To contact Sherold, please email
[email protected]
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