100 Ways to Keep Your Lover

An Erotic Adult Activity Picture eBook

By Al Link and Pala Copeland Photographs by Al Link, unless otherwise noted Cover photo by Bernard McCaffrey

©Al Link and Pala Copeland 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra eBooks 2003 All rights reserved ISBN 0-9732873-0-6

Revised and expanded Internet interactive edition with: • 111 erotic photos and illustrations, • and 169 hot links.

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100 Ways To Keep Your Lover

Al Link & Pala Copeland

Table of Contents Introduction

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100 Ways to Keep Your Lover

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Additional Exercises 58 Creating a Temple for Love 58 Psychic Protection 61 Loving Body Discovery 64 PC Pumping 67 G-spot Stimulation 72 Tantra Sacred Loving Step by Step: How to Make Love For Hours 73 Heart Talk 82 Creating a Relationship Vision 89 Previously Published Articles 93 Last Longer Than She Can Handle: Simple Techniques for Mastering Ejaculation 93 Freeing The Female Orgasm 111 Sexual Magnetism: Pheromones – The Scent of Sex 119 The Health Benefits Of Sex 126 About Authors Al Link and Pala Copeland

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eBooks Available From 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra eBooks by Al Link & Pala Copeland eBooks by other Authors

136 136 137

Ordering a CD Copy of this eBook

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Give Us Your Comments

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Introduction We make everything you need to live the good life—a sensual sexy romantic life—only a simple click away with this proactive and interactive ebook. It is proactive in that we encourage you to take positive action to put love, passion and romance at the center of your life together. We have distilled the essence of nurturing relationship, keeping monogamy hot, and sustaining passionate romance into 100 sexy activities you can implement immediately. We tell you exactly what to do. All of these ideas and activities are quite simple, but some of them may challenge you to push your envelope, to go beyond your current comfort zone. All that we recommend here are things we actually do in our own relationship to keep it fun, hot and steamy. As you continue your journey together, let your love shine, let your greatness out, dare to be outrageously creative in your sacred loving. Pick and choose from the ideas and activities presented here as they appeal to you. Over time, you will probably become comfortable enough and confident enough to play with all of them. You’ll notice as you read that we use “he” and “she”, “him” and “her” interchangeably throughout. Unless we specifically indicate male or female all activities are designed for both partners. Take your time. There is nowhere to get to. Open your heart and allow yourself to be right here, right now— together. “One plus one makes two. These two are one.” The experience of sexual/spiritual ecstasy is your © 4 Freedoms 2003

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birthright as a human being. In lovemaking it is possible for the lovers to merge together as one. “Whose orgasm is it anyway?” For this to happen you must completely surrender to each other and dare to become emotionally transparent. Control is the enemy of ecstasy. Surrender, let go, open yourself wide and let love in. This document is also interactive. A wonderful advantage of the eBook format is that it is easy to add hot links that put you only one click away from more information about any item mentioned in the text. You don’t have to go looking for something we mention, just click on the link and you will be instantly taken to a web page featuring that item or giving you more information about that idea. Some of the links go to web pages on the Internet, but other links make it easy for you to navigate through this document. You can instantly move forward to some other place in the document by clicking on a link. You can also return to your previous spot by simply hitting the back button, the same way you navigate through a web page on the Internet. We have intentionally kept the main body of text short and precisely to the point. We don’t want you to have to think a lot about what we describe, rather we want you to dive in and do the things we suggest. We encourage you to go out of your mind and get into your body and your heart. We have also included sections with additional exercises (many of them drawn from our book “Soul Sex: Tantra for Two”) and previously published articles containing detailed instructions on key topics,

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for example: ejaculation mastery for men, freeing the female orgasm, the health benefits of sex, and Tantra step by step. We have illustrated the text lavishly with color and black and white photographs and a few illustrations. Many of these are beautifully erotic and tastefully explicit. It is our desire that these images will also act to powerfully motivate you to undertake the actions described in the text. In this case a picture is definitely worth a thousand words. You cannot improve your lovemaking by thinking about it. You must take action. Start your playful experimentation today or tonight. Pick out at least one thing to try and take the next step on your sacred loving journey together. This eBook is revised and updated continuously with new contents and refreshed links. If you need an updated eBook send an email alerting us to a link that is not working and we will send you a FREE replacement version electronically by email as soon as it is ready. This offer is valid for one year from the date of your purchase and you can ask for any number of updates during that time. This document is also available on a CD.

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4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra

100 Ways to Keep Your Lover I used to pray, "Lord, give me chastity, but not yet." St. Augustine, Confessions

Here are 100 sexy ways you can take action to help you keep your lover happy and satisfied—at home! Doing these things will keep monogamy hot! And they are all such fun.

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1.

Find out what music your lover likes, and play those CDs.

2.

Sing to each other, especially if you can't sing. Listen to a song that turns you on and write the words out so you will remember them. Then without any music sing that song as a surprise gift to your lover. Watch the tears come to her eyes. Here are some links where you can find the words to popular love songs: The Romantic Juke Box, and Romantic Love Lyrics.

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Find out what scents your lover likes, e.g.,

perfumes and essential oils. Try an essential oil diffuser. Select a custom perfume especially for her.

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4.

Pheromones can drive you crazy wild with sexual desire. Pheromones are chemicals produced in your body that act as powerful attractants to the opposite sex for mating. The pheromone sexual “scent” is sensed with a special organ (the vasometer) located in the nose, but you can’t really smell them like ordinary scents. Try some sexy products with pheromones such as bath gels and massage lotions. Use a perfume with pheromones added for him or her, or get pheromone concentrate and add it to your favorite perfume.

5.

Wear the sexy clothes your

lover likes, for example sexy lingerie, leather, PVC/Vinyl, rubber and latex. Don’t forget lingerie for men! Consider luxurious Turkish cotton bathrobes.

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Experiment with: Classic Lingerie

Contemporary Playful ~ for Her and Him

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Love That Latex

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6.

Ladies, wear a garter belt and stockings instead of pantyhose. Very sexy!

7.

Serve the food and wine your lover likes. Prepare

sensual meals together. Fondle and tease each other as you work/play. Prepare your food together in various stages of undress or completely nude, except for your aprons—and oh yes, you can leave your hat on. Here are some sexy cookbooks.

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8.

Feed each other food and drink. Eat an entire meal by feeding each other with your fingers. Make a mess.

9.

Dress up for a romantic dinner. Why save your tuxedo just for strangers?

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10. Eat dinner and make love by candlelight—use lots of candles.

11. Select interesting and unusual locations for lovemaking. Be bold and daring in your experiments. For example, slip into the small public washroom at the art gallery, lock the door and have a hot quickie. Become a member of the mile high club and use the washroom on an airplane. Stop along the road and use a farmer’s field— carry a couple of blankets for just such an occasion.

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12. Try different lovemaking positions. Boldly experiment! There are many books, electronic books and videos featuring Tantric and Kama Sutra sex positions.

Playful Positions for Pleasure

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13. Try The Luv Seat or one of many love swings or Liberator Shapes. These devices make interesting sexual positions easy and fun. Liberator shapes in particular are excellent regardless of your age, state of health or physical fitness. Swings are more physically challenging.

14. Create a temple-of-love space in anticipation of your sacred lovemaking. Make your space beautiful. Keep it simple. Tidy the room. Light lots of candles.

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Bring in fresh flowers or green plants. Place objects of beauty or objects with special emotional or spiritual significance around the room, including erotic sensual art. Cover hard edges, televisions, etc. with elegant cloth obtained inexpensively at the remnant shop. Try silk sheets if you can afford them, or 300-600 count Egyptian cotton or linen sheets for your lovers’ bed.

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15. Create your own lovemaking rituals & ceremonies. Keep it simple. Here are examples of rituals we use for psychic protection during lovemaking so that we feel safe to completely let go.

16. Prepare yourself for stimulating conversation. Do some homework if necessary to have something interesting to talk about. For example, do a search on Google for any topic you believe might engage your lover, and astonish him with your worldly knowledge.

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17. Put the phone on the answering machine, turn off the cell phone, lock the door and in all ways shut out the world during your lovemaking. Immerse yourself completely in your lovers’ time moment by moment. The fewer distractions the better.

18. During your time together as lovers, talk only about things that are fun, romantic, sexy or intellectually stimulating. It is ok to talk about ideas and disagree, but only if you can avoid taking the disagreement personally, and only if you find such conversation builds your passion and desire for lovemaking. Absolutely avoid talking about problems, issues, work, or other responsibilities that will take you out of the lovemaking and back into the world.

19. Notice all the little things you do for each other that you regularly take for granted, and let each other know how important they are to you. Give lots of compliments on a daily basis. Show your appreciation and gratitude. When you get a coffee for yourself, offer one to your lover, etc. Compliment you lover in front of others, but avoid criticism.

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20. Dress and undress each other. Take your clothes off while your lover watches. Show your body to your lover. Let him look as long as he likes. If you don’t know how, try watching “dirty dancing” and striptease videos to inspire you. Male and female exotic dance instructional videos are available.

Dress and Undress

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Pose your Beautiful Body for Your Lover

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21. Hold a mirror so that your partner can look at her own genitals. Take turns posing nude while your lover draws or photographs your genitals. Digital cameras are excellent for creating your own erotic photo collection.

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22. Tell each other what turns you on. If your lover doesn't know he can't give it to you. Spend time showing each other what you like in lovemaking. Take one hour each in sexual touching to discover each other’s favorite turn-ons. Use the “A or B Technique”. One lover touches the other saying; “I am going to touch you in two different ways, A and B. Let me know which you prefer.” In this way you can learn what you both like with little risk of giving or taking offense.

23. Utilizing all of your senses spend time discovering your lover’s body. Look at him, smell him, taste him, put your ear close and listen to his body, touch him all over. Don’t go on to intercourse. Just explore, and go very, very slowly. There is nowhere to get to. There is no goal of orgasm, simply revel in the pleasure of sensory awakening. Spend about an hour for each of you to explore the other completely.

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24. Tease your partner with partial nudity at unexpected times, like when your mother or children are in the other room. Be artful and naughty about it so only your lover sees you. The next time you eat out at a restaurant, don’t wear any underwear. Touch each other’s genitals under the table at times throughout the evening, so you both get wildly turned on, but no one else knows what is happening.

25. Women, touch your lover's genitals with sighs of desire from time to time, even when out in public (discretely). Most men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time and usually find it a major turn-on. Men, nibble on your partner's neck with sighs of desire from time to time, even when out in public, but avoid quick grabs for her breasts and genitals because most women find this a turnoff unless they are already excited and aroused.

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26. Give each other a sensual massage. Try short 7minute full body massages on a daily basis, as well as longer versions (one hour or longer) when time permits Use an exotic massage oil or body butter. If you don’t know how to give a massage, read a book or watch a video to learn.

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27. Mix your own massage oil. Use high quality essential oils in a base of first cold press grape seed (canola) oil. This is Al’s refreshing, and lightly spicy recipe, for the massage oil we supply in our lover’s kits at our Tantra weekends: • • • •

4 oz. canola oil (or substitute another light vegetable/nut oil) 4 drops YlangYlang essential oil 1-2 drops Black Pepper essential oil (1 in summer, 2 in winter) 1-2 drops Clary Sage essential oil (1 in winter, 2 in summer)

28. Incorporate acupressure points into your erotic lover’s massage. Learn the sensual erotic points with Michael Reed Gach’s excellent book: Acupressure for Lovers : Secrets of Touch for Increasing Intimacy.

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29. Read and/or write erotic poetry and stories. Here are lots of links to erotic stories and poems Here are some erotic writing samples that have been submitted and posted on our web site.

30. Watch erotic, romantic and sex instruction movies and videos. You can buy or rent them.

31. If your libido is low, spice it up with aphrodisiacs for him and her.

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32. Take care of yourself. Watch your weight, pay attention to what you eat and get enough sleep. Exercise regularly for physical and sexual fitness. Consider nutritional supplements for optimal wellness and sexual vigor. Come to your lovemaking rested, not exhausted and frazzled. Do you know how good sex is for your health?

33. The single most important sexual fitness exercise is PC squeezing for both men and women. Squeeze your genital muscles as if you were stopping the flow of urine mid-stream. Continue to breath normally and hold the squeeze for thirty seconds to one minute. Then relax your genital muscles. Work up to 100-200 PC squeezes per day. You don’t need to find any new time to do this exercise. Do it while you are driving, standing in line, or watching TV.

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34. Use meditation or some other method to learn how to quiet your thinking. Great lovemaking requires that you be able to shut out mental distractions. Go out of your mind and get into your body! Thinking is one of the surest blocks to sexual ecstasy. When you find yourself in your head thinking during lovemaking, switch to paying attention to sensory information. Notice what you see, hear, smell, taste and feel, but without naming anything—naming will get you thinking again. Simply experience the direct sensory information.

35. Take a bath or shower together. Even small tubs are great fun. Make a mess. Use some sexy water toys, body paints, and scented bath products.

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36.

Wash each other's bodies. Be kind and gentle and provocative, or raucous and wild, whatever mood you're both into. Wash each other's feet. Use a small dishpan and an erotic soap in the shape of male and female genitals. Rub on an aromatic tantric foot lotion and using the included foot reflexology chart, find all the wonderful points to apply pressure for pleasure and stress relief.

37. Suck on your partner's squeaky-clean toes.

38. Give each other manicures or pedicures, then polish each other’s nails.

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39. Have your lover shave your legs or your face. Shave your pubic hair if that turns your lover on.

40. Wash each other's hair. Try these links if you want to grow more hair or get rid of unwanted hair.

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41. Catch a rainbow. Watch the sun come up or go down, or the moon go across the water. Lie out under the stars. Sleep out under the stars.

42. Send each other erotic and spiritual post cards or electronic cards without any special occasion. Send one of Al’s photos electronically to your lover. Alternately, just hand your lover the card or hide one where they will surely find it, for example in a pocket or drawer. Short hand written notes work just as well. We especially like post cards with black and white erotic photography.

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43. Write love letters to each other. Save them to reread over the years. Keep them in a beautifully decorated box tied with a lovely colored ribbon.

44. Say the words "I love you. I need you. I want you." Mean it! Whisper words of adoration in your lover's ears before, during and after lovemaking.

45. Talk "dirty" in your lover's ears in the heat of passion during your lovemaking. Be sure the mood is intense and passionate enough so this kind of talk is welcome and really is a turn on. At the wrong time, in the wrong mood, this could be a turn off.

46. Hold hands in public. Show affection (kissing, touching and hugging) in front of your children. It always amazes us that people seem to have no trouble arguing in front of children, friends and family, but God-forbid anyone should see them showing signs of affection in public or be overheard making sounds of love. Very strange!

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47. Go on picnics. Make love outside.

48. Make foreplay go on and on and on and on and.... Men, be sure she is wet, before you put your golden rod into her fig pocket! Check out Nina Hartley’s Guide to Foreplay video.

49. Find your lover’s G-spot! The G-spot is on the inside upper vaginal wall about one inch or so inside the yoni. If you were looking at the yoni and could visualize the numbers of a clock, the clitoris would be at 12:00 and the G-spot would be between 11:00 and 1:00. The G-spot does not usually respond with pleasure until the woman has already had a clitoral orgasm, or has at least become fully aroused and is well lubricated. Many men fail to find the Gspot not because they are looking in the wrong place, but because they are looking at the wrong time. Here are some instructional videos on stimulating the G-spot.

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50. As a general principle, try to assist your lady to have a clitoral orgasm before there is any vaginal penetration, in other words, help your woman come to orgasm before intercourse—at least some times. Read “Freeing The Female Orgasm”!

51. When pleasing her sexually, use multiple points of contact. For example your mouth on her clitoris, one hand on a breast and one finger tantalizing her anus.

52. When you find a touch that turns her on, keep doing the same touch, at the same speed, with the same pressure—exactly the same with no variation at all, until she gives you a sign that she is ready for a change. Many women at the edge of a wonderful orgasm lose it because the man decides to change his stroke just at the wrong time!

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53. Become Tantric lovers. Romance each other for hours, with periods of intercourse interspersed on and off over that time. Men, learn to delay ejaculation! Read these articles: “Voluntary Ejaculation” and “Simple Techniques for Mastering Ejaculation”. Try sometimes to go to several peaks of excitement without ejaculation, during the same session of lovemaking.

“Many women believe that men are happier the more frequently they can have intercourse. This is not entirely accurate. What men truly enjoy is being aroused by their partner and remaining in an aroused state for a long period of time, while delaying orgasm as long as possible. This is continuing a them of most of the best erotic literature, which in the story line, the woman is able to arouse a man, and keep him ata level just below that needed to achieve an orgasm. Women who have learned how to achieve this for their husbands generally have very happy husbands and solid long-term relationships.” David Sebringsil

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54. Try sometimes to end lovemaking while you still have desire. For men this would mean not ejaculating at all!

55. Ladies, when manually or orally stimulating the lingam (a loving Tantric term for his penis—meaning “wand of light”), vary the touch and stroke frequently. Using the same touch over and over for too long can lead to rapid ejaculation. Here are some instructional videos on oral sex.

56. Cuddle after intercourse. Look into each other's eyes. Say words of love and adoration. Thank the God and Goddess for their favors.

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57. Let go of control. Control is the enemy of ecstasy. Cry in front of each other. Share what you are feeling. Risk being emotionally transparent and vulnerable. Surrender completely to your lover, letting go of any need to perform sexually or trying to make orgasm happen. Lovemaking is best when there is no goal, but rather a spontaneous sensual, emotional, energetic, and spiritual awakening.

58. Lighten up! Laugh during intercourse. Laugh before intercourse. Laugh after intercourse.

59. Shop for sex toys and lingerie together.

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60. Download our FREE illustrated Guide to Sex Toys PDF file. This Guide explains how to select and use a wide range of sex toys. It requires the FREE Adobe Acrobat Reader if you don’t already have it.

61. Ladies, try using a yoni egg (yoni is the tantric term for vagina and means “sacred temple”) or other vaginal exerciser to develop your yoni power, awaken to your full sexual potential, heighten vaginal sensitivity and increase the intensity of your orgasms.

62. Offer unexpected gifts for him and her. Keep it simple, but thoughtful. Pick the right thing, not the biggest or most expensive thing.

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63. Remember special occasions. They should be special—but make some special occasions when there is no special occasion!

64. Say please and thank you for sexual favors and for many small things each day.

"Whether the pretty woman grants or withholds her favors, she always likes to be asked for them." Ovid

65. Surprise your lover with the unexpected. Be foolish and playful. Try something new. Experiment.

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66. Wear costumes and masks as part of your love play. Oooh, mystery! Make your own masks.

67. Try something kinky. Experiment….. © 4 Freedoms 2003

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68. Tie each other up. Men especially love to be tied

up. Wear blindfolds. Or play with some of the many exotic BDSM (bondage) toys. Black Label Liberator Shapes including cuffs, tethers and blindfold, are excellent bedroom buddies for light BDSM play. If you are more serious about your BDSM play, visit this German website.

Experimental, Kinky, Playful, Bondage, and more….

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69. Paint each other's bodies. Use washable/edible body paint or chocolate sauce that you buy or make yourself. Eat each other like a sundae.

70. Try something dangerous, outrageous, something you are afraid of, or something forbidden. Use your imagination, experiment.

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71. Share your fantasies and play sexy games together. Situational fantasies, in which you play a role— innocent/seducer, student/teacher, doctor/nurse, stripper/voyeur, master/slave, bad boy or girl, etc.—are generally less threatening to your lover than fantasies about other specific people—for example the neighbor or a celebrity.

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72. Get captured by aliens and go for a ride in a flying saucer.

73. Put on little skits (acts) for each other, or with each other, in your private romantic sexual theatre. Experiment.

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74. Consciousness is sharpened and made more intense when you are doing something for the first or last times. Play a game in which you imagine that you are making love for the first time or the last time.

75. Men, cut off the handle of an old shovel. Sand, smooth and polish it, then decorate it lavishly and present it as an erotic symbol of your commitment of fidelity to your lover. In your presentation of your sacred lingam, make a vow that you will ask for the icon to be returned if you are ever unfaithful.

76. Masturbate for each other. Masturbating while your lover watches can be a big turn-on for both of you. Videos.

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77. Drop something that is really important for you to do, and make love instead. Come home from work in the middle of the day just to surprise your partner with some lusty lovemaking.

78. Call when you are away and say, "I miss you terribly. I can't wait to get home to hold you. I really want you right now."

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79. Talk "sexy-dirty" over the phone to each other. Tell your lover what you will do with him when you can touch him again.

80. Look into each other's eyes, if possible until tears follow the opening of your heart in love. Send looks of love with your eyes to each other for one minute each day. Use your eyes only; do not speak.

Looks of Love

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81. Take long, deep, slow breaths and match the rhythm of your breathing during lovemaking while also looking into each other’s eyes. Do this at a peak of sexual arousal to maintain that peak without going over into climax. Prolonging the orgasmic energy over successive peaks of sexual arousal leads to ecstasy and other delightful altered states of consciousness. Such experiences are quite beyond simple physical pleasure; they are more spiritual.

82. Take rapid breaths to heat up your excitement whenever there is a drop in libido.

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84. Take turns cuddling, rocking and cooing to each other as if you were babies.

85. Talk where one only listens. The one who listens does not try to take any responsibility, does not try to intervene or "fix" anything. Just listen. Don’t respond for 24 hours! This is harder to do than it sounds, but well worth the effort. Here are instructions for our “Heart Talk” exercise.

86. Give each other a 10-second kiss when coming and going.

87. Make out like high school kids, without going on to intercourse. Pay attention to how this makes you feel later in the day. Pay attention to how this affects your libido.

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88. Practice Tantric Sacred Sex muscle mastery, breathing and visualization together. If you don't know how, take a workshop together, read a book or watch a video. Our book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two is an excellent book to start with. You can download a FREE illustrated PDF file with excerpts from all chapters to see if it is a book you would like to use for your Tantric practice. Pala also has a CD available. Apertio: Tantra Energy Meditations contains five meditations for learning to work with your sexual energy. Pala talks you through the exercises accompanied by the sensual music of Jeff Davies. One of the meditations is the sexual fire breath illustrated here.

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89. Give each other flowers regularly, not just on special occasions. Men love to receive flowers too! Have fresh flowers around as often as possible. Make flower arrangements together, fresh or dried. Have lots of green healthy plants in the house. Grow a garden together.

Give Flowers…Grow a Garden…

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90. Make wine together.

91. Spend time remembering wondrous past experiences together when you were happy and joyous.

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92. Make plans for the future. Talk about spending the rest of your life together.

93. Find a photograph that symbolizes what it will be like when you grow old together. Frame it and display it on a wall in your home, preferably in your bedroom.

94. Write out your vision for the kind of relationship you want to create together.

95. Display your relationship vision/dream where you will see it often, and possibly where others may see it.

96. Take turns leading during slow dancing.

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97. Call each other by endearing mushy pet names. In conversation always use loving poetic names when referring to your genitals, e.g., jade stalk, lingam, wand of light, mystery cave, yoni, succulent flower, etc.

98. Take turns serving each other breakfast in bed on different mornings.

99. Sleep together NAKED! Curl around each other like spoons. Roll over together to change positions in the night. If you don’t already sleep this way it only takes a few nights to get to really prefer it to sleeping without touching. So many of us are touch deprived. Our skin needs the sensual nutrition of human touch.

100. In the morning when you wake up lying naked together, the woman welcomes the man between her legs. If he is not aroused, he will use the soft entry by wetting his lingam with saliva (or any suitable water or silicone based lubricant) and gently inserting it into her yoni. Lie still, gazing into each other’s eyes and match your breathing for 2-5 minutes (or longer if you have the time). This is more

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an energetic connection rather than a sexual one, and would not usually lead on to active intercourse or climax. It is a splendid way to start each day, marvelously balancing your masculine and feminine energies.

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Additional Exercises

C r e a ti n g a T e m pl e fo r L o ve Excerpted from Soul Sex: Tantra for Twoi, pp.201-203 When celebrating sacred sex it helps if you create the proper atmosphere. Set up part of your home, bedroom, living room, or den, as a “Temple for Love”. • Begin by giving each other a warm embrace then proceed in silence to arrange the space you have chosen. • Make sure it is tidy—vacuumed, dusted and general clutter removed. Do not spend more than five minutes cleaning up. If it is messy, straighten up beforehand. This is your time for loving not housework. • Soften hard surfaces with beautiful fabric. If there is a TV in the room, hide it under sensual cloth. Better yet, if the TV is in your bedroom take it out, permanently. TV is one of the biggest distractions from each other. • Bring in plants or flowers and other beautiful objects that have special meaning for you: pictures, sculptures, and craft pieces. Arrange them artfully around your space. • Include plenty of pillows for supporting your bodies in delightful sexual positions.

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• Ensure that the room is warm enough for comfortable nakedness. • Pay special attention to the lighting. Drape colored cloth over lamps or use candles, red light bulbs, dimmer switches and if you have it, firelight. Watching flames of a fire can bring on alpha and theta brain states. Alpha brain waves are associated with relaxation, visualization and creativity. Theta brain waves evoke deep trance states, sexual ecstasy, shamanic visions, out of body experiences and other profoundly altered states of consciousness. • Aromatize your temple with incense, essential oils, scented candles or fresh flowers. Use scents that you both like. • Set out an assortment of music to accompany your moods of love. • Arrange close to hand any oils, lubricants and sex toys you may want to use. •

Bring in drinks and light snacks.

• When you have finished, take a few moments to admire the transformation you have wrought. Arranging your temple should take twenty minutes or less—you have thought about and gathered most items earlier. Move deliberately, and gracefully, with your intention always in mind—to create a beautiful space for sacred loving. Each time you set up a loving temple, make it somewhat different. You want it to be freshly appealing, not a familiar habitat that you no longer really see. © 4 Freedoms 2003

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Each time we create a sacred space Al revels in a sensual experience of pleasure through sight, smell, touch and sound. As the room is beautifully transformed, it is as if he were in a completely different place. He senses a newness that is erotic, arousing and mysterious. For Pala creating a temple of love helps her move out of any habitual lovemaking mode. She becomes consciously aware of acting differently. It stimulates and humbles her to set up a temple for honoring her higher self, her beloved and the Creator.

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P sy c hi c P r o te c ti o n Excerpted from Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, pp.203-205 When you have finished arranging your temple to your satisfaction you can further sanctify it through an assortment of rituals. In Tantric lovemaking, you desire to go beyond your limits, to break down any walls that may separate you emotionally or energetically from your lover and from the divine. Trust and vulnerability are essential. Psychic protection rituals reach past your rational mind to your inner core evoking safety so that you can truly let go into love. Pala finds that purifying rituals instill a deep sense of relaxation and security throughout her entire being. Because she feels confident and protected, she is able to unreservedly open to Al in all ways. Al’s use of psychic protection rituals is based on the premise that negative energies or entities cannot come into you or your space without your permission and that they have to leave when you tell them to if they are already there. Positive energies and beings will respond to your invitation to enter. • You may burn sweet grass, cedar or incense, passing it over and around the space and saying words like “I purify and sanctify this space. I make it holy and safe through my love and my intention.” • You may walk three times counter-clockwise round the perimeter of your temple, saying as you walk slowly and reverently “I send out from this space all negative energies—fear, doubt, anger, complacency…” Include © 4 Freedoms 2003

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anything you do not want in your space or yourself. Then reverse your path and walk three times clockwise around the perimeter, saying as you walk “I welcome into our special place all positive energies—joy, wisdom, passion, love, wonder…” Include everything you want to be present. Counter-clockwise direction disperses energy and clockwise builds it. Speaking aloud—naming—gives more weight to your words than shyly, silently thinking them. • You may ring a bell, bang a drum, or strike a gong as you walk. One of our favorite instruments is an exquisite Tibetan singing bowl of hammered brass. • You may envision a golden ball of light surrounding your space, a permeable force field that allows in all that is good and repels any evil. • You may put on a special robe or other costume for your ritual. Let your imagination guide you. • You may light candles in each of the four corners of the room, calling upon the power of the four directions: East, South, West and North. Different sources equate different qualities to the four directions, these are the meanings we useii: o “East is Air—the majesty of mind, the purity of thought. As I light this candle in the East I unlock my mind to conscious knowing.” o “South is Fire—the power of spirit and energy. As I light this candle in the South I open myself to creative energy flow.” o “West is Water—the power of emotion and feeling. As I light this candle in the West I allow myself to feel all, to reveal all.”

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o “North is Earth—the wonder of the body. As I light this candle in the North I invite the mystery of the world.” Endeavor to relax and enjoy yourself. These are joyous, celebratory and holy rites. A magical transformation will take place, brought about by your intention, your sacred focus on creating a space of beauty, safety and honor in which to celebrate your love of yourself, each other and God.

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L o vi n g B o dy D i sc o ve r y Excerpted from Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, pp.114-117 Take a loving visual, tactile tour of your mate’s body. Create a sensual ambience for your body discovery. Make sure the room is warm. Lighting should be bright enough to see clearly but soft and caressing to your skin, for example candles or a red light bulb. Play music that relaxes you and makes you feel sensual. Begin by asking your lover’s permission: “My beloved (or your name for your lover), I come to you with love, desire and the utmost respect. May I please explore your wonderful body?” Your lover responds: “Yes, I welcome you with love and trust.” You can make up your own words to show respect, love, trust and care. Sometimes, the receiving partner may be shy or uncomfortable having a particular body segment thoroughly explored. If this is the case, it is important to be open and honest. Tell each other how you feel, and respect your limitations. Begin from a distance with a slow, soft caressing look from head to toe and back again. As you are looking, tell your lover what pleases you about her. Remember most of us are not accustomed to being gazed at all over, especially with love and adoration and desire. Your partner may be feeling uncomfortable – ask her to breathe deeply, to relax any tension in her body and to try to feel the vital energy coming from your eyes into her body. Move closer and mix your looking with touches. Go slowly. Begin with her hands, lifting them, caressing

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her palm, stroking it lightly then gently sucking each finger. Work your way up her arms, feathering lightly with your fingers, repeating the path with a sniffing, tickling nose, repeat again with pouty nibbling lips and darting, slippery tongue. As you explore keep letting your lover know how much you are enjoying your tour—tell her with words, sounds, facial gestures. Look into each other’s eyes frequently and feel the connection between the two of you deepening. From arms move up to her head, neck, ears, then eyes, face, mouth, chin, and back down to her neck. Take your time. Feel her skin beneath your hands, smell the unique scent of each part of her, listen to her breath and to any sounds she may make in response to your touch. Switch from her head to her feet. Play with them as you did with her hands. Then proceed up her legs. Take your time. Be playful. Focus all your attention on your lover and allow your heart to open. When you reach the tops of her legs, roll her on to her stomach and explore her back with your hands, then your nose, then your mouth, and combinations of all three, from the base of her neck all the way down to her feet. Once again, roll her on to her back and starting at the hollow of her neck work your way down her torso in waves using your hands, nose and mouth. Pause at breasts and belly or other spots on her torso that give both of you pleasure. Finally, turn your attention to her love grotto. This is the seat of creation, the wellspring of life. Explore her gently with nose, mouth and fingers. Your purpose is to heighten awareness for both of you, not to turn her on (although this may happen). Do not use habitual

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touches that you know will bring her to orgasm. If either, or both, of you become sexually excited, relax and be with the excitement. This is an opportunity to feel the body electric—to raise and keep the energy high without going over the edge to release. You may be surprised to find that the loving body discovery can also be more relaxing and affectionate than sexually stimulating. Whatever happens is right. Finish with a complete hug—head to toe for two minutes. Feel your hearts beating. Match your breathing rhythm. In love and respect, thank each other, and then switch partners. Remember, the Loving Body Discovery is not a massage, nor is it done with the intention of arousing your lover sexually, nor is it leading up to intercourse or an orgasmic climax. Separate the Loving Body Discovery from these other ways of being intimate so you can experience being in the moment without trying to get somewhere in your lovemaking. You can discover the joy of touching each and every part of your lover’s body, and learn that every touch is potentially as satisfying and wonderful as any other. This is also an excellent exercise in which to move beyond the anxiety of responsibility to “perform” sexually, to make it happen for your partner.

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P C P u m pi n g Excerpted from Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, 147-149 Without a doubt, the most important sexual energy exercise you can do is the PC Pump. It is standard in both the ancient Tantric and Taoist teachings of sacred sex. PC stands for pubococcygeous and refers to a group of muscles surrounding your genitals and anus. You may already know these exercises as Kegels, named for the American doctor who, during the 1950s, began prescribing PC squeezing to help prevent surgery in women with Urinary Stress Incontinence.

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PC Pumping, or tightening and relaxing the muscles of your pelvic floor, does the following wonderful things. It: 1. Acts as a lock to keep your sexual energy in and a pump to push it up through your body. 2. Strengthens and tones the muscles in your urogenital area. 3. Prevents prolapsed uterus and incontinence in women. 4. Increases erection capacity for men. 5. Sensitizes and focuses women genitally, so their orgasms become stronger and more frequent. 6. Massages a man’s prostate gland, helping it to stay healthy. 7. Adds extraordinary sensation when performed while making love.

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PC Pumps are very easy to do, simply pretend you have to urinate, but you are somewhere you cannot. You tighten up and hold it. You can actually begin your practice of PC Pumps by interrupting the flow while you are urinating. In addition to pulling your pelvic floor muscles up, PC Pumping includes lightly pushing them out. When you first start these exercises, you may find that your shoulders, your stomach, your buttocks, even your jaw, clench as well. However, within a short while you will be able to isolate and contract the many different muscles in your genitals while keeping the rest of your body relaxed. Try these variations: Squeeze and Hold: • As you slowly inhale, contract your PC muscles. • Keep the rest of your body relaxed, especially your shoulders. • Hold your contraction as you hold your breath for a count of ten. • Slowly exhale and relax your muscles. • Repeat ten times. Squeeze and Push: • As you slowly inhale, contract your PC muscles. • Keep the rest of your body relaxed, especially your shoulders. • Hold your contraction as you hold your breath for a count of five. • As you exhale for a count of five gently push out with your muscles. • Repeat ten times. Fluttering: • As you slowly inhale, contract your PC muscles.

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• • • •


Keep the rest of your body relaxed, especially your shoulders. Hold your breath - quickly relax and contract your PC muscles five times. Slowly exhale and relax. Repeat ten times.

Back to Front: This version helps you gain more control over individual muscles. Women’s Version •

•

•

As you slowly inhale: o Tighten your anus. o Pull up on your perineum. o Tighten the muscles inside your vaginal canal, one by one from the opening. all the way back to your cervix. As you slowly exhale: o Release your vaginal muscles, one by one, from your cervix to your opening. o Relax your perineum. o Relax your anus. Repeat ten times.

Men’s Version •

•

As you slowly inhale: o Tighten your anus. o Pull up on your perineum. o Pull your scrotum up close to your body. o Elevate your penis. As you slowly exhale: o Let your penis go. o Release your scrotum.

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•


o Relax your perineum. o Relax your anus. Repeat ten times.

Remember to PC pump everyday! You do not have to make extra time. PC squeezes can be done anywhere, as you are: showering, driving, walking, waiting in line, working on your computer, and watching TV. The possibilities are endless, and no one can tell what you are doing, unless you have a smile on your face because it feels so good. Begin with ten sets of the five exercises listed above, then over a few weeks work up to several hundred repetitions per day. You will soon notice a difference in sensitivity, capacity and energy movement.

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G - spo t S ti m u l a ti o n

Stimulate your lover’s G-Spot with gentle “come hither” motions of your fingers.

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T a n tr a S a c r e d L o vi n g S te p b y S te p: H o w to M a ke L o ve F o r H our s Tantra is a spiritual tradition that originated in India some 4,000 years ago. It is a way of life that celebrates and strives for the union of body, mind and spirit. Tantra is a form of yoga. Yoga means union. The ultimate purpose of Tantra is a union of lovers, and union with the divine, with God. In the Tantric tradition, sexuality and spirituality are joined. Lovers actually invite God right into their bed! Many cultures have a variation of this challenging and delightful practice, for example, the Taoists in China and the Cheyenne in North America. There are differences in these practices, but all forms of sacred sexuality have in common the intentional cultivation and use of sexual energy for spiritual growth, healing, creativity and enhanced pleasure. The concepts of Tantra were first introduced to the west in the 1800s by British scholars and travelers to India. A Tantric revival by gurus and teachers in the ashrams of India during the late 1960s has led to a gradual popularization of these practices in Europe and North America. Recent testimonials by celebrity musicians and movie stars like Sting, Woody Harrelson and Tom Hanks, and mentions in movies such as "Go" and "Bliss" have promoted it almost to fad level.

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Now Tantra is becoming the sexual learning of choice for North Americans who want to have it all: a passionate sex life, a healthy body, and spiritual growth. Tantric lovemaking involves breathing exercises, muscle contraction exercises, sound, visualization, affirmations, creating a sacred loving space and other rituals, meditation, sensual massage, and sexual play. In order to create enough sexual energy to move into ecstatic states of divine connection Tantrikas make love for long periods of time, experiencing extraordinary levels of pleasure along the way. Part of the delight of Tantric loving is that you can continue to learn and advance throughout years of practice; it is never-ending in its potential for growth. At the same time, it is a practice that yields immediate results. You can see and feel a difference in your lovemaking experience right away if you follow these steps. Tantric Lovemaking Step by Step: Intention Regular lovemaking has a goal - orgasm. If you both come at the same time you've done it really, really well. If neither of you come at all you may as well have spent your time elsewhere. With Tantric loving, there is no goal. There is a purpose however, and that purpose is union. Every aspect of your Tantric loving serves that purpose. Your intention is to merge with your lover in all aspects - body, mind, heart and soul - not just body. You can help this along by looking at your lover differently, by seeing your partner as a god or goddess, as a living expression of the divine. Look for the glory,

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the beauty and the wonder in your playmate and in yourself and let that shine. Creating a Sacred Space Take time to set the mood. You can transform an ordinary space - a bedroom or living room - into a sacred space. To do this, takes only a few minutes and costs little or nothing. The important thing is your intention, not the specific items you use. First, clean the room. Vacuum, dust, and put away the clutter and junk that might be lying about. If it is evening, dim the lights and use candles. Position candles all around the room. Bring in some plants or fresh cut flowers. A bowl of fruit is very sensual. You may wish to have a bottle of wine to share. Bring special objects into the room. Any objects that have emotional importance for you will work very well. Create your lover's bed. Make up the bed with clean linens and have lots of pillows handy. When you have finished creating the space, take a few moments to purify it energetically. That means consciously sending away negative or fearful thoughts and feelings, and inviting in those that are joyous, passionate and safe. Create your own rituals with sweet grass, incense, and musical instruments. The Lover's Purifying Bath Cleanse each other in preparation for your joyous union. Wash away the dirt and cares of the world. A hot bath with essential oils and bath salts is perfect, especially if you can both fit into the tub at the same time. A shower is the next best thing, but perfectly acceptable. The essential thing is to be squeaky clean.

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After all you will be eating off that skin! Make the bath a slow, luxurious affair with each of you giving complete attention to your lover. Wash and dry each other with playful abandon. Men shave or trim facial hair and apply scent. Women apply their best perfumes and lotions. Sensually prepare your bodies for the delights ahead. Honor, Respect and Permission Trust, surrender and opening your heart are essential if you want to reach the heights of bliss. It is not just technique that will get you there. You must join together as loving equals on the sexual journey. Men, think of the vagina as a potential opening rather than as always being open. Do not ever take your lady for granted! Tell her how much you care for her and respect her. Tell her how much you love her. Speak words of adoration into her ears as you gently blow on them and nibble on her ear lobes. Let her know that you think of her constantly and how strong your desire is to make love with (not to) her. Also, let her know that you invite her to awaken sexually and to express her sexuality fully. Let her know that you are NOT caught in that tired old cultural conditioning that still insists "good girls" do not enjoy sex - the Madonna/Whore split. Make her believe you when you tell her that you know she can be all she wants to be: a successful career woman, a respectful daughter, a faithful wife, a caring mother, a passionate lover and a sincere spiritual seeker all at the same time. Tell her how beautiful she is, how wonderful she smells, and all the things you appreciate most about her. Finally, ask her permission to © 4 Freedoms 2003

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passionately love her in your practice of Tantra sacred sex. Ladies, let your man know that he is safe! He may act all macho and tough, showing little emotion, but you know that inside most men are afraid of emotional intimacy. The tougher a man acts the greater this fear of letting go, surrender and trust will likely be. Let him know that you recognize his strength, but also invite him to show his feelings. Let him know how much it turns you on when he shows some vulnerability mixed with his many strengths. Tell him how handsome he is and how talented. Mention all the things you like most about him. Tell him why you love him so strongly. Tell him how much you think about him when he is away, and how you have fantasies about making love to him and touching him when he returns. Make him believe that you really want him sexually. Finally, ask his permission to passionately love him in your practice of Tantra sacred sex. Foreplay After you have asked and received permission to love each other up, tune into each other. Two simple ways to do this are through harmonizing your breathing and by looking deep into each other's eyes. By matching your breathing rhythms and making soulful eye contact you connect energetically as well as physically. Begin to explore each other's bodies with wonder, lust and playfulness. Remember, in Tantra sacred loving there is no goal. You are not trying to get somewhere. Each act of loving is complete in and of itself. Once you master how to work with your sexual energy both men and women © 4 Freedoms 2003

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will discover that they can have orgasms just by touching fingers together. Indeed, you can have orgasms just by looking into each other's eyes! So men are not in a hurry to get at the woman's breasts or into her vagina. When touching her body, start at the extremities and work in toward the breasts and genitals. Start with the fingers and toes and work in. Go slowly! Generally men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time, but women usually only enjoy having their breasts and genitals touched after they are already sexually excited from other touching, stimulating conversation, or emotional connection. Make sure the woman is well lubricated before any attempt at intercourse. If possible, help her to have a clitoral orgasm before moving on to intercourse. Intercourse The usual 5 to 15 minutes of lovemaking is typically not satisfying for most women. Men need to learn to delay ejaculation so that active lovemaking can be extended for hours. Men can learn to delay ejaculation not just during one lovemaking session, but for weeks or months at a time. Any man who masters this will eventually have the happy experience of orgasm without ejaculation. Orgasm without ejaculation will not deplete the man's energy the same way that a regular ejaculatory orgasm does. This means that a man can have more than one orgasm; indeed, he can become a multi-orgasmic-man. When the man is able to last longer, it is much more likely that his female partner will also have multiple orgasms. Although Tantric loving lasts several hours, this does not mean you are having active intercourse during that

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entire time. Intercourse is interspersed with touching, oral play, quietly holding each other. It is a good idea for a man to allow his erection to subside every 30 minutes to exchange the blood supply and recharge his hormone levels. Moving Your Energy: The Passion Pump Riding the wave of bliss happens when the lovers become totally aroused sexually, and maintain that arousal for a period of time. They build up enormous sexual/spiritual energy. For the man, if this energy has nowhere else to go, there will be such a buildup of pressure in the prostate, that it will go into involuntary spasm and ejaculation will end the lovemaking. However, with a combination of breathing, relaxation, and muscle contraction exercises both men and women can learn to circulate sexual energy through their own and their lover's body. Ultimately the ego boundaries disappear and the lovers become one in ecstatic union. The muscle contraction exercise is very simple. If you were urinating and stopped the flow of urine in midstream you would be contracting exactly the right muscles in exactly the right way. So imagine that you wanted to alternately start and stop the flow of urine. This squeezing and relaxing of muscles around your genitals is called the PC Pump. It's the first and most important exercise in learning to circulate your sexual energy. At the peak of sexual arousal, either during intercourse or manual/oral stimulation stop your normal lovemaking movements and focus on moving the sexual energy that's pulsing in your genitals. Move it up and through your body. Use slow, deep abdominal © 4 Freedoms 2003

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breathing to keep your body relaxed. Add the PC pumping action and visualize moving energy up your body in a ball of fire or a wave of light or a current of electricity. Through your eyes, your hands, your genitals pass this powerful force on to your lover. At first, this may seem difficult because we are not accustomed to paying attention to our internal energy. With practice, you will be able to recognize and direct it. Afterplay Regular lovemaking usually ends when the man ejaculates, but when men have learned to postpone ejaculation stopping lovemaking then becomes a matter of choice. With Tantric loving you wind down your loving time with slow caresses, words of endearment and honoring each other with food and drink. Sharing Wine, Food and Other Sensual Pleasures The sharing of good food, wine and other intoxicants, sensual massage, dressing up in costumes and playing sexual games are part of the ancient Tantric tradition. While Tantra is serious, it need not be heavy. Lighten up; be playful, lusty and daring! Tantra lovers know that they are personally responsible for their own sexual fulfillment and their own spiritual progress. This may be especially important for men. Many men experience a great deal of performance anxiety. But even the greatest, most sensitive, highly skilled Tantric lover cannot make a woman have orgasms. She must be able to go to that place in herself that is orgasmic. Sexual/spiritual ecstasy has little to do

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with control. It requires trust, surrender and letting go. Both lovers must learn to do this. If there is some psychological work to do before you will allow yourself to open in this way, then get on with it! In the meantime, please each other with the preparation, serving and consumption of fine food and drink. Lavish each other with touching in sensual massage. Dress up (and down!) for each other. Take on different personalities with different costumes. Wear masks! Play and laugh together often. Celebrate your spirit through your sexuality. Open your heart. Let your lover in and your love out!

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H ea r t T a l k Excerpted from Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, 97-100 We believe that ecstasy in lovemaking is your birthright and that it should be a common experience for lovers, but it is rare. One of the reasons it is rare is that relationship “stuff” gets in the way. People have so much stuff accumulated that they do not allow themselves to become vulnerable to their lover. You become angry, upset and frustrated with each other and withdraw, barricading your hearts inside your emotional armor for protection and security, blocking your energetic flow and the spontaneous experience of ecstasy. The Heart Talk is a way to dismantle the barricades that keep your hearts closed, a way to take off your emotional armor. That is why we call it a Heart Talk—it helps you open your heart. It is superb for any issue with a heavy emotional load attached to it—one that brings up strong feelings you may have difficulty coping with. The Heart Talk is remarkably effective and incredibly powerful, but only if you honor the process. This is one place where you must follow the instructions exactly if you want it to work. Do not vary the process at all. If your lover asks for a Heart Talk do not agree unless you commit to honoring its structure. A Heart Talk is not a two-way conversation. One person talks. The other listens. You listen with patience and respect. You listen without judgment. You listen without taking responsibility for what or how the speaker is feeling. You listen without giving advice. You listen without showing approval, anger or any

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other reaction. You just listen. The only time the listener can say anything is if you have not heard what the speaker is saying or if you do not understand what the speaker has said. The listener does not respond until 24 hours later. Listening is harder than you might think. As listener, you will feel an overwhelming urge to do one of three things: 1. You will want to make the talker feel better by offering condolences, comforting hugs, or verbal reassurances that it really isn’t so bad and that everything will be alright. 2. You will want to defend yourself if you feel misunderstood or unfairly judged. 3. You will want to offer a quick solution—to jump in and fix the problem. But, as listener you can do none of these things. The listener can only listen. The difference that effective listening can make is remarkable. We have heard people comment after a Heart Talk, “I can’t believe you did not tell me this before.” The talker has replied, “I’ve told you dozens of times!” When you really listen, you will understand, perhaps for the very first time what is really going on. Deep listening such as you will do in a Heart Talk, coupled with the twenty-four hour waiting period, can lead to the solving of problems and the healing of wounds that have existed for many years. We have seen couples clear up issues in a five minute Heart Talk that

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they had been struggling with for ten, twenty or thirty years! In almost every relationship one person or the other is verbally dominant—quicker with words, more articulate, more aggressive, and able to steer the conversation in a particular direction. This can be intimidating and confusing for someone who is not so quick with words. You can become easily side tracked and may never really get a chance to express clearly what you want to say. Furthermore, what you are feeling inside is not always obvious. You may not always know what you are feeling or what it means. The Heart Talk creates a level playing field. Since the listener can only listen, the person talking will not be interrupted, will not have to worry about the reaction of the listener, and will not have to contend with the response, defense or counter attacks from the listener, because there will not be any. You will eventually find the right words to explain what is going on inside as you talk about your emotions honestly and openly. You make yourself vulnerable to your partner by stating how you really feel. You take responsibility for your feelings and actions, even if the feelings may be precipitated by something your partner has said or done. You use “I” statements to explain what is happening with you. This helps to clarify feelings and ideas for you as well as your partner, and may be all that is required for healing to take place. Sometimes the talker will want an immediate response. If so, do not ask for a Heart Talk. If you undertake a Heart Talk and do not honor the process, this invaluable tool will be forever lost to you and that would be most unfortunate.

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When you have an issue for a Heart Talk, do not assume that your lover will respond and react in a certain way. You will likely be wrong. Your assumptions about your partner often have more to do with your own fears and suppositions than they do with your partner’s reality. Usually you would not follow one Heart Talk with another Heart Talk twenty-four hours later. That is possible but is not common. More likely there will be a normal talking dialog to work on the issue if that seems appropriate. Alternatively, as listener you may have understood the message so clearly, and realized your part in it, that you markedly change your behavior. Whatever your method, a response of some type is necessary. Pala absolutely loves the Heart Talk even though she finds it one of the most difficult things to do. She loves it because with it she can reveal her vulnerabilities— that is also why it’s so difficult. She hates to show her self-perceived weaknesses and fears, wants to be strong and perfect. Through the Heart Talk process, she has come to understand that revealing her vulnerabilities actually makes her stronger. This understanding has not made the actual asking for and doing a Heart Talk any easier, but she acts on it anyway, despite her anxiety. Heart Talks help her surrender. Heart Talk Steps 1. Ask specifically for a “Heart Talk” Your partner knows what the rules are, and by consenting to a Heart Talk agrees to follow the rules.

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2. Begin by sitting with each other for a moment or two, just connecting. Take a deep breath. Relax your body. You can hold hands, look in each other’s eyes or match your breathing. 3. The person who has requested the Heart Talk then speaks without interruption for as long as they need. Usually Heart Talks do not last a long time because there are no interruptions! A long Heart Talk would be 15 minutes. 4. This is not a license to “dump” on the listener. This is about identifying and taking responsibility for how you feel. So use “I” sentences like “I become very sad and frightened when I think you are ignoring me”. Do not use “you” sentences like “You make me sad by ignoring me all the time”. If all the talker reveals is anger, not much will happen, but if the talker can reveal the deeper emotions of fear and insecurity, the results of a Heart Talk can be astonishing. If the talker is only dumping on, blaming or haranguing the listener, it is not a Heart Talk and the listener can end it. 5. No response is allowed for 24 hours. This is essential for the process to work. Tremendous healing can take place during that time. 6. After the Heart Talk, it is a good idea to do some emotional release to change the energy, which may be supercharged with emotion (see exercise 2 – “Emotional Release”). 7. After the 24 hour period the listener gives a response—it may be a discussion, a change in

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behavior, an acknowledgement that he has heard what has been said but cannot quite respond yet as he needs a little more time. The response will differ from situation to situation. Heart Talk Example Pala is feeling that Al has been ignoring her for a few weeks, so she asks Al for a Heart Talk. Al agrees. This is what she DOES NOT say: “I feel like you’ve been ignoring me. You haven’t been affectionate; you’ve been preoccupied with writing and business. You get surly when I approach you. You haven’t bought me flowers or told me I’m wonderful. You haven’t taken me out to dinner. You’re being a selfish, boorish jerk and I’m sick and tired of it. You better get your act together buster or you don’t even want to think about what’s going to happen, you twit! This is what she DOES say: “I feel like you’ve been ignoring me. When that happens, when you are preoccupied with other things and are not affectionate with me I become insecure. I start to worry that you have found something or someone else more interesting. It brings up my fears of desirability because I’m aging. I don’t want to make you feel guilty telling you this, I know you care, but I’m feeling sad and lonely….” In a Heart Talk you describe your feelings, and many more of them may come up as you are talking or as you are listening. What do you do with them? After your

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Heart Talk you let those feelings out with conscious emotional release. Moving your body and making lots of sound are the simple keys to emotional release. Some of our favorite techniques include yelling, screaming, crying, beating the floor with whackers, laughing, and wild dancing.

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C r e a ti n g a R e l a ti o n shi p V i si o n Excerpted from Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, pp. 44-47 In this exercise, together you develop a vision of what you want your relationship to be. Step One: Individual Desires Working individually, think about and then list what you would like in your relationship. Use clear, simple, specific statements. Be sure to identify qualities of relationship rather than characteristics of partners, as explained above. Describe what you would truly like. Know you are worthy to have it and dare to believe. Do not allow yourself to be limited by assumptions like “Oh that is not possible” or “She would never agree to that” or “I should want this”. Also, do not list what you think your lover wants—he’s making his own list. As a starting point for your list, consider what you would like in the following: • Sexuality • Commitment, fidelity, relationships with other people of the opposite sex • Communication: sharing, talking, revealing feelings • Time allocations with: each other, children, family & friends, career, community • Finances • Home life: practicalities—location, ownership; and ambience: tidy/messy, orderly/casual, quiet/busy • Decision making, authority, power • Children

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• • • •


Fun, play, leisure activities, vacation Personal and spiritual growth Health: diet, exercise, smoking, alcohol Other topics that are of importance to you

Here is a range of sample statements to assist you in developing your own ideas. Sexuality • For me, sex must be more than a physical release; I want to explore its spiritual aspects. • I would like our sex life to be wildly adventurous with new techniques and fantasies and I want lots of it. • I want our sex life to be a free and equal partnership, with both partners deciding jointly to make love, no pressures from either one to perform. • Intercourse and explicit sex is secondary to me, affectionate touching is more important. Personal and Spiritual Growth • I want the freedom to continually explore avenues for awakening whether it is on my own or with my partner. • My faith, my religious practice, is essential to my way of life and I want my family to be part of it. • I want spiritual growth to be something we pursue as a couple. • Spiritual growth simply develops from our experiences in life I do not want to make it a focal point.

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Home Life • I want our home to be a quiet, tidy oasis where I can recuperate from the world. • I want our home to be a lively center, where friends and family are frequent guests. • Home for me is wherever I hang my hat, I do not want to be tied down to one place very long, I need the freedom to get up and go if we want to. • I want to set down roots in a stable, secure environment—I need a house that belongs to us. When you have made your list, prioritize it. Elements that are most important to you go at the top. Step Two: Your Shared Picture In this step you work together to align your individual desires into a shared vision for your relationship. • •

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After you have completed your individual lists, share what each of you has written and discuss what you discover. Look for items that match—qualities that are similar on both lists. If necessary, refine them a little more before you add them to a third list, the one that will become your shared vision. Notice the qualities that only appear on one list. Can you or your lover agree to add that quality to your common list so that it becomes part of your joint vision? Where there are very obvious differences in approach (e.g., one wants lots of sex and the other only a little; one wants to spend all your free time together and the other wants more time for separate

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•

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social activities; one ranks your relationship as the top priority and the other ranks it as number five) have a frank discussion, including reasons underlying your choices, and see how you can reach a common ground. Techniques such as the Heart Talk (chapter 5) will help. This is a place for complete honesty. You must know where you are as a couple on these important matters. Pretending will only result in difficulties down the line. Work together on your shared list until you are both comfortable with the qualities you have chosen.

The more precise you can be, the better, but remember, there is room for flexibility—like your relationship itself, this vision of it will evolve over time. It is not cast in stone for ever and a day. Step Three: A Symbolic Rendering When you have finished your joint list, together create a visual image that represents the kind of relationship you both want. You can draw a picture with pen, pencil, crayons, paints, or you can make a collage out of magazine clippings and photographs. The image can be realistic or symbolic—like a mandala. Keep this image where you can both see it every day and consciously look at it, even if for only thirty seconds. Its powerful message will be working within you.

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Previously Published Articles

L a st L o n g e r T ha n S he C a n H a n dl e : S i m pl e T e c hn i q u e s fo r M a ste r i n g E j a c u l a ti o n by Pala Copeland & Al Link Published in Urban Male Magazine, Winter98/99 Is this an all too familiar scenario? Hot and heavy loving with hungry kisses and tender caresses that promise orgasmic bliss for both you and your eager partner when all of a sudden you’re one thrust past the edge, the dam bursts and it’s over. You’re finished, “spent” and ready for sleep. She’s still waiting for more, perhaps wistfully contemplating a purchase of that acrylic vibrating dildo her friend has been raving about. Well, you’re not alone in this too-quick-for-her-climax intercourse. The “average” man makes about 50 thrusts before he ejaculates. For most women it takes approximately 10 minutes of active intercourse to reach orgasm. Even the most optimistic lover can see these numbers just don’t add up! But don’t roll over and nod off yet, there are some simple things you can do to bring your partner and you much closer together.

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These male/female discrepancies in timing are part physiological and part habit. Physically men’s and women’s arousal rates vary widely, but for the most part women become fully turned on much more slowly than men. So a great way to make sure you’re both happy with your love life is to include lots of foreplay. Help her reach orgasm with your fingers, tongue, lips before you even start to have intercourse. Secondly, most men’s experience with sex starts out as rather furtive masturbation, a quick release in the bathroom or under the bedcovers before someone can see what’s going on. Then onto early sexual experiences with a girlfriend in back seats of cars or in a basement rec room, again in a hurry, before she changes her mind or her parents come along to change it for her. Now when you have the time and space for long lovemaking good old John Thomas is still back in the “I’ve gotta come now” days, and he’s not going to slow down just because you tell him to. That’s like asking a guy who’s trained as a sprint champ to bring home a gold in the 5000 meter instead. He may well be able to make the shift but he’s going to need coaching. You can train him with your mind, your muscles and your breath or a combination of all three. It’s not entirely up to you either, your loving partner can assist, after all it’s for her benefit as well! The first step is to become aware of your own levels of arousal. Experiment, take your time and give yourself a very real self-loving exploration, not just a quick masturbatory release. Notice how your penis moves through distinct changes before orgasm and ejaculation, he’s not just soft and then hard and

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spewing. There are four defined stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, characterized by a penis that’s very stiff (a boner) and very hot, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Through attentive self-arousal and the playful hands of your sweetheart you can learn how to stay for longer periods of time in the exciting, but less explosive, third stage of firm erection. When you feel yourself moving into the hard, hot level stop stimulation, relax and pay attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply.

The Power of Breath Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals. Synchronizing your breathing rhythm with your partner’s strengthens your connection with each other. Adding sound to your breathing can also help you ride the edge of pleasure. As you exhale send out a deep lion roar. Feel the sound come from your scrotum, up through your belly and lungs and out your mouth as a powerful release of the orgasmic tension building inside you. You can use some of the following “muscle techniques” to postpone ejaculation as well.

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PC (pubococcygeous) Muscle Contraction This is simply squeezing your pelvic floor muscles, around the scrotum, penis and anus as you feel ejaculation approaching. An easy way to practice this is to interrupt your urine stream when you are going to the bathroom. Perineum Pressure Pressing on the perineum, a spot midway between your scrotum and your anus, will help to stop ejaculation because this spot reaches through to the prostate gland. It is the prostate that contracts and expands during orgasm and then expels the ejaculation fluid. Ask your partner to apply this loving pressure for you. Testes Tug When a man nears orgasm his scrotum rises up closer to his body. You can delay ejaculation by gently pulling your testes down and away from your body. Your partner can also do this for you.

Penis Tip Squeeze Squeezing your penis just below the head or glans can help to stop oncoming ejaculation. It necessitates withdrawing completely from your partner during intercourse, but is an excellent way to begin practice on your own with masturbation.

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Passion Pump This technique, which combines squeezing the PC muscles, rolling your eyes upward, touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth, and visualizing your sexual energy flowing up through your body while you practice controlled deep breathing is one of the most effective ways of delaying ejaculation. It’s a Taoist sexual kung fu technique that has the added benefit of helping you circulate your sexual energy through your body rather than having it remain hot and heavy in your genital region.

Special Tip It is easier to delay ejaculation by focusing on moving your sex energy through your body rather than focusing on not ejaculating. Stopping movement, relaxing a little and breathing deeply and slowly will all aid with this practice.

The Importance of the Prostate Gland When you practice delaying ejaculation it is very important to massage the prostate gland, so that it doesn’t become sore. You can do this by pressing on the perineum. The prostate can be felt as a bumpy walnut shape beneath your fingers. Especially delightful is massaging in circular motions, first clockwise and then counterclockwise, with a piece of folded silk on the perineum spot.

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Thrusting Technique A superb thrusting technique that brings great pleasure to a woman and helps a man to last is a combination of deep and shallow thrusts. By shallow thrusts we mean your penis only enters 1½ to 2 inches inside your partner. These first couple of inches are the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina. Deep thrusts mean your penis enters as fully as you can. In this technique you combine a series of nine fairly quick shallow thrusts with one slow deep one. The shallow thrusts stimulate your partner’s most sensitive vaginal tissues and at the same time create a vacuum effect that makes her ache for the deep thrust to come. And because most of your thrusts are shallow ones, exciting only the first few inches of your penis, you’re able to rock on for much longer! Mind over Muscle Practicing squeezing your PC muscles will enable you to gradually become so familiar with your genitals, that you will be able to discern each separate muscle group and contract/relax them at will. At first you will tighten your genitals and everything will contract at once. Later you will be able to contract your anal muscles without moving your penis or scrotum, or pull up your scrotum while your anus and penis remain relaxed, or bob your penis up and down while nothing else moves. Eventually just a thought will relax everything, especially your smooth genital muscles, sending your hot sexual energy shooting through your body, not out the end of your penis, but instead into your partner through eye contact, intercourse, or touching.

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Smooth muscles are internal muscles over which you normally have no conscious control. You may not have been aware that you have smooth muscles. They’re muscles like your heart muscle, the muscles that push your food through your digestive tract and the muscles that push the sperm and semen out the end of your penis. Becoming aware of your smooth muscles and eventually gaining enough mastery to be able to consciously keep them relaxed will enable blood to flow into the penis, maintaining an erection almost indefinitely – certainly long enough to satisfy the most demanding partner, through and through. Gaining control over the smooth muscles in your genitals is the key to maintaining your peak sexual arousal for long periods of time -- even long enough to experience whole body orgasms, rather than simply genital orgasms. In a whole body orgasm your entire body becomes an exquisite erogenous zone, much like your genitals always are. You can actually reach orgasm when your lover is rubbing your chest, or sucking on your toes and fingers, or nibbling your ears and throat. The magical key to opening the doorway into multiple whole body orgasms is relaxation of your smooth muscles, no matter how aroused, excited, or turned on you are. Train your mind to think of something other than ejaculation. Thinking “I don’t want to ejaculate” is still thinking about ejaculation. You must have something else to focus your attention. We don’t recommend reciting sports stats or in any way diverting your attention from lovemaking. It is essential that you be

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fully present from moment to moment. But instead of thinking about ejaculation, or worrying about ejaculating too quickly, we suggest you think about pleasing your partner. Learn to take pleasure for yourself in the pleasing of your partner. Notice how she reacts when your tongue is exploring around her clitoris, but also notice how her clitoris feels on your tongue. Notice how she enjoys when you suck on her nipples, but also notice how her breasts feel pressed against your face. Notice how she moans when you gently run your fingers up the inside of her thighs, but also notice how her skin feels so soft and warm against your fingers. With your attention fully engaged in this way – on your partner, your breath, your genital muscles -- you are going to last a long time. As your lovemaking goes on, and on, and on… perhaps for hours, the energy within you and between you and your lover will accumulate to such an intense level that you may spontaneously experience the opening of your higher “spiritual” centres. With this opening comes an experience of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder. This is where mastery of ejaculation can lead you and your satisfied partner.

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V o l u n ta r y E j a c u l a ti o n By Al Link and Pala Copeland Published in Urban Male Magazine, Spring 2001

A few fortunate, and likely quite popular, men have learned to make ejaculation voluntary, meaning they can last a long time and come when they want to. Most however, ejaculate involuntarily and prematurely, that is before they or their partner are ready for it. Coming too soon may be due to a physical medical condition but this is rare. Most men who ejaculate prematurely do so because of learned behavior and sexual beliefs, or because they haven’t discovered the simple techniques that can help them last. In order to make ejaculation completely voluntary, a man must learn to do two things. First he must learn to keep his entire body relaxed regardless of how sexually aroused he becomes. Second he must learn to move the sexual charge that builds up during lovemaking away from his genitals and circulate that energy throughout his entire body.

Relaxation Men usually tense their bodies as ejaculation approaches. This is a natural involuntary reflex, but by deliberately applying some of the following relaxation

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techniques you can become skilled at letting go and staying loose even at intense levels of sexual arousal. Massage Few things enable a man to be as profoundly relaxed as a loving erotic full-body massage. Women can help men get out of their heads and into their bodies by giving them a massage as a prelude to intercourse. Most men will notice a significant improvement in their ability to delay ejaculation after receiving a massage. Not only does massage help relax your body, it also opens up your flow of energy so that the sexual charge does not get stuck in your genitals.

Stop And Become Still Or Slow Down Before you get to the point of no return, try slowing or stopping all movement. This usually works every time. Wait for the energy and excitement to subside and then you can resume active lovemaking. Breathe Slowly And Deeply As you come close to climax, switch your attention away from your genitals onto your breath. Take slow deep breaths that fill your entire lungs. Make your exhalation last about as long as your inhalation. Let your body go loose. Open your eyes and make eye contact with your partner. Try to breathe in rhythm together. Continue breathing in this deliberate way until your sexual energy has calmed down.

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Avoid Stimulating The Frenulum The frenulum is the bulge of loose skin just below the glans head on the underside of your penis. This spot is very easily excitable and can build the man too quickly to climax. Stay away from this spot to avoid involuntary ejaculation. Squeezing The Glans The glans of the penis is the big smooth head at the top of the penis shaft. When ejaculation is imminent you or your partner can squeeze the glans firmly and hold on tight. With the other hand use your thumb and index finger to press firmly on both sides of your penis at the base where the penis rises from the pubic bone. This effectively cuts off the neurological ejaculatory response from your brain to your prostate and will stop the ejaculation. This technique is easiest to use when your are being stimulated orally or manually. It also requires split second timing. Do not do it if ejaculation has already begun, it can be quite painful!

Three Finger Perineum Press When you reach a point of high arousal and you know ejaculation is close, you or your partner can press on the perineum, the stretch of skin between your anus and scrotum. In preparation for using the technique during active intercourse, try touching this spot when an ejaculation starts and you will feel the vibrations of climax in your prostate gland. This is how you will know where to press. Notice where the vibrations are strongest - usually at about the midpoint on the © 4 Freedoms 2003

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perineum. To delay ejaculation, when you are at the point of no return but before the ejaculation has started, press firmly on this area of the perineum with the first three fingers of either hand. You can do this yourself or your partner can do it for you. Hold until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Moving Your Sexual Energy Learning to circulate hot sexual energy is not really difficult, but it takes discipline and practice. Within a few days of trying some of the techniques mentioned below you’ll likely notice an improvement in your ability to delay ejaculation. Real sexual energy mastery, however, may take several months or even years. But unlike childhood piano lessons this is practice you’ll look forward to!

The PC Pump PC stands for pubococcygeus muscle. Actually the PC muscle is a group of muscles that together make up the pelvic diaphragm which stretches from your pubic bone around to your tailbone. It includes muscles used in urination and bowel movements, muscles around your anus, testicles, penis, and perineum. Pumping the PC muscle is one of the easiest, simplest and fastest ways to learn to move energy and delay ejaculation. Pumping the PC muscle means squeezing or contracting the muscle and then allowing it to relax repeatedly. Alternately you can squeeze and then push out. You can do rapid pumps or long slow ones.

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When you squeeze the PC muscle you pump the hot sexual energy up from your genitals and into the upper part of your body. This prevents the sexual energy from building up to involuntary ejaculation. If you can stay relaxed and move energy away from your prostate as fast as it builds up, you can delay ejaculation as long as you want. This is how Tantric lovers are able to extend active lovemaking for 6 or 8 hours or more. By the way, strengthening your PC muscle usually results in longer and stronger ejaculations when you do have them. Add PC pumping to your fitness routine. Build up to several hundred squeezes per day over a two week period and eventually increase to 1000 or more per day. This might sound like a lot but you can do 100 PC squeezes in a few minutes. You don’t even need to find new time to do PC pumps – try them when you are standing in line, driving your car, hoisting a few at the bar.

Make Sound As you get more and more excited make lots of sounds. You can moan, groan, yell, scream, chant, sing, growl and make animal noises. The louder and stronger the sounds you make the more that sound will carry your sexual energy with it, up and away from your genitals. A wonderful technique is to harmonize your chanting sounds with your lover. When you do this at the peak of sexual arousal the sounds you make together can be exquisitely beautiful.

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Hand Movements Moving your hands up your body, or having your partner move her hands up your body from your genitals to the top of your head, either on the front or back of your body, is an amazingly simple but effective way to move energy. You and your partner can do this repeatedly throughout the length of your lovemaking.

The Big Draw You can alternate relaxing your body with a conscious full-body contraction – the Big Draw. Breathe very deeply and rapidly for about a minute when you are almost ready to come. Then hold your breath and clench every muscle in your body. Tighten you fists. Curl your toes. Grit your teeth. Tighten your buttocks, abdomen, arms, legs, chest, etc. If you are lying on your back (recommended for doing the Big Draw), push off from the surface with your buttocks and neck, while arching your back. This forces the hot sexual energy up and often leads to an explosive orgasm without any ejaculation. You may also experience altered states of consciousness with this very powerful technique. Learning Through Masturbation Masturbation is an excellent way to become skilled at lasting a long time. Select a private, comfortable, safe place for your practice where you will not be interrupted. A wonderful variation is to have your partner watch you masturbate. In this way you can teach her exactly how you like to be touched and

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stimulated. But try it a few times alone before you put on a show for your lover. Build your arousal to approximately 75% of the way to the point of no return. As you get better at it, you can go closer to 90% or more. The point of no return is that point at which ejaculation will become involuntary, when you’re likely to ejaculate within seconds, most certainly within minutes. Stop what you are doing. Use some of the techniques above for relaxation and energy movement and allow your excitement to subside. Your erection should also subside before you start again. This allows the old blood to move out of the penis taking with it waste products. When you start to re-build your arousal, fresh blood will engorge the penis giving you a new erection. This new blood carries with it a fresh supply of oxygen and hormones bringing strength, vitality and virility. Many men ejaculate simply because they do not allow their erection to diminish every 30-45 minutes - the penis becomes exhausted and involuntary ejaculation follows quickly. Repeat this masturbation process of building to approximately 75% of your point of no return, then stop, rest, and build again, for any number of times. As you do this pay very careful attention to what is happening in your body. Notice how your body feels as you get closer and closer to orgasm. Notice that your body gives you signals about how close to ejaculation you are: heat and hardness of your erection, rapid breathing, muscular tension, and so on. In particular look for sensations in your genital area at the prostate gland. As your sexual energy builds in the prostate it is like a pressure cooker. When the pressure gets too high, smooth muscles go into involuntary spasm, forcing the ejaculation. If you pay attention you will certainly feel

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something in the prostate as you approach this point of involuntary ejaculation. As soon as you feel this sensation, instead of going on to complete the ejaculation, you are going to stop stimulating yourself and rest. Notice how your body feels as you relax and let the energy (and erection) subside. Once you become adept at recognizing this feeling in your prostate during self-pleasuring, you can also be alert to this feeling during lovemaking, including active intercourse with a partner. Other Techniques For Mastering Ejaculation Positions Change intercourse positions frequently. Experiment with various positions to find out if you can more easily delay ejaculation in some of them. There are an infinite variety of positions in the following categories: face to face, front to back, lying down, standing up, sitting, rear entry, and sideways. Some men report that it is easier for them to last longer during intercourse if the woman is on top. Also, face to face positions tend to be calmer, making it easier for the man to delay ejaculation, while rear entry positions tend to increase arousal very rapidly.

Communicate With Your Lover You must communicate your state of arousal to your lover. If your arousal is cresting too rapidly ask her to change what she is doing, to stop what she is doing or to slow down. Give her very specific feedback on what

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you want and what you can stand. Be sure to do this in a loving, respectful and playful way! Some women believe that men aren’t happy with the lovemaking until they come. Let her know that you’re having a great time and want to keep on sharing your pleasure together. Examine Your Beliefs And Assumptions About Sex And Women Generally the more you like, respect and admire women the easier it will be to learn voluntary ejaculation. On the other hand, the more you dislike women the more difficult it will be. The simple reason for this is that you will be in a hurry when you have sex if you dislike women. Sex will tend to be a maintenance chore necessary for tension release. With a subtle shift in the way you think, perhaps you can begin to make love instead of just having sex. Open yourself to giving and receiving pleasure rather than trying to perform. Open your heart. Allow yourself to love your partner and be loved by her. Allow yourself to feel emotions as well as physical pleasure. Quick ejaculation is one of the ways men use to deny themselves pleasure and to avoid intimacy. Extended, ecstatic lovemaking requires surrendering and being vulnerable to your partner. Many men find that when they can let go of the need to keep everything under control, including lovemaking, their ejaculation response becomes much more manageable. It is ironic that less repressive control of feelings means more “control” or mastery of ejaculation response.

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Sore Prostate If after practicing techniques for delaying ejaculation you experience a sore prostate or “blue balls”, this only means that the sexual energy is building up in your genitals faster than you can move it out. This is not dangerous, simply uncomfortable. You can relieve this discomfort immediately by ejaculating, which releases all the pressure. If the discomfort does not go away, this may mean you have a medical disorder, such as a urinary tract infection, and you should see your doctor. Book And Video References There are many excellent videos and books from which you can learn the art of massage, the skill of voluntary ejaculation, and the art of extended lovemaking. Example books:”Sensual Massage”, “The MultiOrgasmic Man”, “How to Make Love all Night”, “Overcoming Premature Ejaculation”. Find these and more at the 4 Freedoms Tantra website

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F r e e i n g T he F e m a l e O r g a sm By Al Link and Pala Copeland Published in Urban Male Magazine, Spring 2001 Women’s capacity for orgasm is awesome. They can come over and over again, and still be ready for more! This capacity seems almost limitless. They can experience clitoral orgasms, g-spot orgasms, vaginal orgasms, ejaculatory orgasms, blended orgasms, and not only one but multiples of any of these! They’ve even been blessed with a body part, the clitoris, whose only purpose is sexual pleasure. This may all seem a bit unfair to men who typically reach a precipice, fall over the edge, roll over and go to sleep! Why is it then that so many women are frustrated rather than satisfied? Why is it that for so many loving couples, the female orgasm remains an elusive dream; one in which she’s perhaps become resigned to sex that’s pleasurable but not truly satisfying, or even worse, faking it to salvage her partner’s ego. If it is really bad perhaps she fakes orgasm just to get the sexual ordeal over with! Or he sadly wonders: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make her come despite stiff fingers and aching tongue? His sexual self-esteem is wounded, and he secretly feels less of a man believing he has failed her. The first step on the path to freeing a woman’s orgasm is for both men and women to understand that men do not give women orgasms. Women allow themselves to have orgasms. Despite popular belief, no matter how good a lover you may be, unless your

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partner can give herself up to the pleasures of her body, she won’t have orgasms. This realization alone can open the door to women becoming orgasmic. It takes the pressure to “perform” off of men, and it frees women to take responsibility for their own sexual fulfillment. This is very important. If your woman is blaming you, and you may also be blaming yourself for her not having orgasms, it is quite possible, even likely, that you are both looking in the wrong place to solve the problem. Mind you, an unskilled, selfish, or insensitive male lover can be a real problem, and at the very least is certainly a dull bore. And to say that a woman is responsible for her own sexual fulfillment does not mean you revert to a slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am approach to sex and let her fend for herself. After all, the more skilled and attentive a lover is the more pleasure he himself receives, and although you can’t give her an orgasm you certainly can help her to have one, or even lots of them. So even though it’s not entirely up to you, there is something you can do to help. The biggest barrier to orgasm for women is mental distraction – thoughts that float into her mind, catching her in her head, and taking her away from what’s going on in her body. As soon as she starts thinking, she is out of the moment and will lose touch with her senses and her pleasure. Some of these thoughts may trigger feelings of shame or guilt about experiencing sexual pleasure, for no matter how liberated our attitudes toward sex seem to have become, there yet exists the perception that “good” girls don’t! Even today women are divided into categories of “virgin” or “whore”. Those who engage lustily in the delights of the body are

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somehow morally questionable. You can help your delectable partner move beyond these pleasure stifling attitudes by letting her know how much you respect, admire and cherish her fully female sensual self. Tell her often, especially when you’re making love, that it thoroughly turns you on to see her let loose the passionate side of her nature. This is not always easy for men to do. They may have internalized an unconscious conditioning that leads them to accept the rather misogynist belief that women can’t be good and pure, and also be fantastic lovers. If they believe this, they are placing themselves in a very unfortunate situation. This belief system inevitably leads to the man selecting one woman for a partner, spouse and mother, and a different partner for an affair or mistress. Adultery is about the only option left to a man who holds such a belief system. The resulting deceit and lying force a separation between the couple and the relationship ends soon enough, for example in breaking up or divorce. In this scenario, the man is at fault and the solution does lie with him. Only a change in his beliefs will solve this problem. Sexual abuse is a horror and curse that is unbelievably common in our society. Women that have been sexually abused often have great difficulty in allowing themselves to trust their lover, let go into the sensual moment, and surrender to sexual ecstasy. If your lady is having difficulty experiencing orgasm; if you are a reasonably skilled lover; and if you have communicated to her that you honestly wish her to fully awaken as a sexual partner, then the problem could be some psychological damage from sexual abuse. Ask her about this with the greatest tenderness and caring that you are capable of. Be aware that many women actually

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blame themselves for their own sexual abuse, so this can be the touchiest of all possible subjects for discussion. If sexual abuse is an issue, it is advisable to encourage her to seek professional counseling or some other form of help. Besides worrying about whether they are “bad” if they really enjoy and want sex “a lot”, many women worry about enjoying sex the right way. They worry about how they look, smell and taste. They worry that the cellulite in their upper thighs or the slight bulge of tummy fat may quiver unattractively. They worry about being “clean down there”. They worry about how long it takes to reach climax, how much time their man has to spend stroking, licking, and caressing to help them fly over the mountain. All of these thoughts take them out of lovemaking. To help her stay in the pleasures of her body tell her with words and sounds and looks that you adore her, you love to devour her with your tongue, you could keep on touching her forever, it’s a delight to you to give her pleasure. And mean it, because if you haven’t learned how to enjoy pleasuring your partner, pretty soon you won’t have one! Once she’s able to relax into the joys of lovemaking and focus on the exquisite sensations her body can feel rather than listening to the demon distractors her mind can conjure up, a woman’s path to orgasm is much clearer. With particular loving skills of your own you can assist her to break that path wide open. Most men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time, whether they’re sexually aroused or not. This isn’t usually the case with women. Think of the vagina as a “potential” opening, a magical door that will happily open wide to receive you, but only after you’ve called

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ahead to ensure your welcome. Be certain she’s eager for your genital explorations by focusing loving attention on other parts of her body first – lots of kissing, neck nuzzling, tender strokes on back, shoulders and arms, then adoring caresses of her breasts. Only after you sense she’s ready, through signs like rapid breathing, flushed skin, hardened nipples or enticing moans should you move to her vagina. Once your hand or mouth is at her sweet honey pot begin to explore it from the outside inward – outer lips, clitoris, inner lips, vaginal canal. Generally women reach orgasm most easily through clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is extremely sensitive to touch of all kinds. Often the head of the clitoris, the pointed tip, is too sensitive for much direct pressure, so focus your attention on the sides. Touch around the clitoris instead of right on it, at least until her level of excitement increases. The skin tissue of your fingers is not nearly as sensitive as the tissue around her clitoris. But the tissue of your mouth and tongue is an almost perfect match in sensitivity. Unless you are more highly skilled in using your fingers, it is a much safer way to start by using your mouth for oral stimulation of the clitoris. Experiment with different pressures, strokes and speeds. Ask her which ones she likes best. A good way to do this is to try two different touches, then ask her if she likes “a” or “b” better. If she’s willing, invite her to masturbate for you so you can learn exactly how she likes to be touched. Many women are shy to do this at first but with some gentle encouragement she may really show her wanton self. It can be a great turn-on for both of you. Many men are actually quite frightened by a woman who is fully sexually awakened. They may doubt their own ability

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as a man to keep up, or to be able to perform adequately. They may fear that if she is too much woman sexually for him, that she may go elsewhere and find what she wants. It may help you to overcome this fear if you remember that you are not responsible for giving your lady sexual satisfaction. She must do that for herself. But if this fear is very strong, you may seek counseling help to deal with it. When you do find a particular stroke or caress that is really driving her wild, keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it. Don’t change anything about it. Don’t go faster, slower, softer, harder, or switch direction. Keep doing exactly the same thing until she lets you know she wants a change either through words or body movement. This holds true whether you’re pleasuring her clitorally or vaginally with your fingers or your mouth. Keep going even if your hands or mouth get really tired! It’s a good idea to wait until she is very aroused before entering her vagina either with your fingers or your penis. Generally if she’s not wet, she’s not ready. It’s as simple as that. If your lover doesn’t have a lot of natural vaginal juices even when she is fully aroused be sure to use a good silicone or water-based lubricant. Nothing can be a quicker turn-off than rough, dry skin rubbing on soft vaginal tissues. Water-based or silicone lubricant is better because oil can clog the sensitive vaginal tissue. The most sensitive part of a woman’s vaginal canal is the first inch to two inches. It’s here that most of the nerve endings are located, so when you first enter her concentrate most of your attention there. The elusive gspot can usually be found in this general area, on the

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top of the vaginal wall, a couple of inches in. Imagine a glass lying on the floor. If you reach your first two fingers into the glass at the top, i.e., toward the ceiling rather than the bottom towards the floor, you should find it. It is difficult to reach the g-spot through intercourse, so you will find it much easier with you fingers than with your penis. There are also some interesting dildos and vibrators with just the right shape to reach the G-spot. Move your index finger or your first two fingers in a “come hither” motion (as if you were asking someone from across the room to come over to where you are) and gently stroke her. When you touch her g-spot you may notice a more bumpy or raised area of skin, but you may not. The best way to know you’ve found this highly intense love spot is by her reaction. Where you look is not quite as important as when you look. Unless she is excited through and through, perhaps from a clitoral orgasm beforehand, it can be difficult to find the g-spot. Stimulation of the g-spot can produce extraordinarily intense orgasms. As a woman is approaching a g-spot orgasm she may feel she has to urinate. This may immediately cause her to tighten up, stop, and pull back from the edge of bliss. If she can stay relaxed and keep going through that “have-to-pee” sensation it will pass and move on into deep waves of sexual delight. The woman should urinate before intercourse begins, so she can be more confident that the feeling that she has to urinate is a misleading feeling and can be safely ignored. For most women it is difficult to reach a climax through intercourse alone. This is because the sensitive clitoris

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isn’t easily stimulated just by thrusting motions; the gspot is difficult to reach with even a fully erect penis; and because often the male partner goes over the edge into ejaculatory orgasm before the woman has had enough action to bring her to the heights. If you touch her clitoris before and during intercourse, and if you’ve pleasured her vaginally by touching the g-spot with your fingers, the chances are much better that she will have a deep vaginal orgasm while your penis is inside her. Learn the strokes that turn her on. Tell her how fabulous it is that she’s sensual and sexual. Let her know you adore her body and love to touch and kiss it for hours. Help her forget about trying to make orgasm happen and focus instead on thoroughly enjoying every moment of lovemaking. If you awaken your multiorgasmic woman you are going to like it!

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S e x u a l M a g n e ti sm : P he r o m o n e s – T he S c e n t o f S e x By Al Link and Pala Copeland Published in Urban Male Magazine, Winter2001 All this time you thought it was sculpted muscles, dazzling smiles and fast cars that were surefire babe magnets. Well have we got news for you. What really drives women wild are naturally occurring body chemicals called pheromones. The name pheromone comes from two Greek words pheran (to transfer) and horman (to excite). According to Dr. Winnifred Cutler, pheromones are “substances excreted by an animal that affect the reproductive behavior of another same-species animal acting at a distance.” Since 1870 when the French naturalist JeanHenri Fabre discovered male moths flying from miles away to visit a female moth caged in his lab, scientists have known about and documented the effects of pheromones on mating in insect and animal species. For example male cockroaches go wild when exposed to a glass rod covered with female cockroach pheromones, and attempt to mate with it! A randy boar opens his mouth and puffs out a breath laden with pheromones that freeze a sow in heat, ready for mounting. It wasn’t until 1986, however that Dr. Cutler, director of Pennsylvania’s Athena Intstitute, proved the existence of human pheromones and began to document their effects. In humans, pheromones are activated at puberty. Both men and women produce varying amounts of “male” © 4 Freedoms 2003

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pheromones: androstenone and androstenol, only women secrete the “female” pheromone copulins. Produced by the apocrine glands in the armpit and around the genitals pheromones send signals that are picked up by the vemeronasal organ (VNO), just inside the nose. The VNO passes these messages on to the limbic part of the brain which governs the most basic human sensations, like joy, anger, love, hate and sexual arousal. While we aren’t consciously aware of another person’s pheromones, we can’t “smell” them in the traditional sense, they do have a major impact on us. They ignite the sex drive, increase fertility and help regulate women’s menstrual cycles. For her early studies Dr. Cutler gathered sweat from the armpits of healthy women and men in their 20s, removed the bacteria and odour and used the extract. Because it’s much too costly to collect and process human pheromones for sale, she and her team have produced laboratory equivalents. Since then controlled studies by Dr. Cutler and other organizations around the world have shown some amazing results. In a double blind experiment with young women 36 percent of those exposed to pheromones had sex weekly during the first three weeks of the study. Of those receiving a placebo only 11 percent had weekly sex. By the end of the study, 14 weeks, 73 percent of the pheromone users were having sex every week, while those on the placebo stayed at 11 percent. In another of Dr. Cutler’s control groups 38 men were given either a pheromone-alcohol solution to add to their regular cologne or a straight alcohol solution.

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None knew which they had been given. After 8 weeks of wearing the cologne 47% of the pheromone users reported that they had more sexual intercourse, compared with only 9.5% of those with the placebo. There have been a few unusual tests illustrating the effects of the male pheromone androstenone on women. For one study, a single chair in a dentist's reception area was sprayed with androstenone, all the others were left untouched. It was observed that women most often sat in the chair treated with the pheromone. Another test involved three attached pay telephone booths. Again one of the three phones was sprayed with androstenone and more women used the treated phone than the other two. The Australian organization, Bennett Research, conducted a survey of 306 men using pheromones. Ninety percent of them claimed that the product had increased their attractiveness to women. Increased response from women was measured by: • Making conversation – 61% • Starting up a conversation – 52% • Expressing an interest in the man – 43% • Being responsive to him – 40% • Paying unsolicited compliments – 36% • Overt flirting – 34% A significant measure was a big increase in physical response by women – brushing against the pheromone wearers (31%), touching them (30%), becoming sexually excited (18%), expressing a desire for sex (17%), and actually having sex with them (16%). One survey participant described his experience: “One night in a bar a woman walked past me and looked at © 4 Freedoms 2003

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me. The second time she walked past she came straight to me, said hello, started talking to me and I was very surprised when she grabbed hold of my hands and gave me a kiss on the lips…” It’s not just sexual attraction that appears to be boosted by wearing pheromones. Users of pheromone products report that people generally pay more attention to them, listen more when they speak, and are friendlier in social situations. Pheromones seem to affect people’s general impressions and assessments. In one clinical study participants wearing surgical masks were shown photographs of buildings, trees, animals, women and men. Their task was to assess each according to impressions of friendly/unfriendly, aggressive/passive, attractive/unattractive and so on. The purpose of the test, they were told, was to examine how stress related to wearing a surgical mask affected decision-making. Participants were tested twice, with a two week interval between sessions. For one of the tests small quantities of pheromones were sprayed on the mask, without the participants’ knowledge. With the added pheromone there was no noticeable difference in the study group’s impressions of trees and buildings. Animals were considered slightly more aggressive. Most stunning however was the difference in assessments of people, both women and men were considered to be more friendly, sensitive, intelligent, attractive, confident and good. It’s no wonder then that people are trying pheromone products not simply for sexual attraction, but to give themselves a competitive edge. Salespersons are wearing them to boost their sales, job applicants are using them to create a favourable impression and social

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butterflies are spraying them on to increase their party invites. By now you may be wondering how you can get your hands on some of this liquid sexual magnet. As you can well imagine a whole crop of pheromone products has hit the market with differing formulas for both men and women. Most are made of laboratory synthesized versions of male and female hormones, and as is the case with most anything you get what you pay for. It appears that the more pheromones contained in the product the more money you’ll pay. Some of the top selling brands are more than $100 for a sixth of an ounce, but the concentration of pheromones is such that that sixth of an ounce will last you a long time. There are scented and unscented versions. Unscented can be added to your regular cologne or aftershave. You may want to experiment with applying pheromones to your clothes as well as to your skin. Both methods have different effects. Due to body heat pheromones sprayed on skin evaporate quickly putting them into action right away, the “instant attractor”. The downside is that the active ingredients are used up just as fast. Sweat and surface bacteria also tend to break down and wash away pheromones on the skin. Spraying unscented products on clothing gives a slower acting but much longer lasting effect. It may in fact last longer than you want, requiring dry cleaning or several launderings to remove, and some delicate fabrics may not take kindly to a spray-on product at all. Some folks go for the double whammy with a combo of scented pheromone on the skin and unscented on the clothes. Here’s a look at a few of the pheromone products available:

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• Androstenone Pheromone Concentrate, for men an androstenone only oil-based formula. Scented. • Athena 10X for men and Athena 10:13 for women – by none other than Dr. Cutler herself. The formula is a closely guarded secret • DateMate 2000 for men with androstenone and androstenol. DateMate FM for women with androstenone, androstenol and copulins. Unscented 15 ml. spray. • Primal Instinct for men only, contains 5 mg of androstenone per 10 ml bottle. This baby will last you a long time! Scented. • Realm, men’s and women’s formulas. Scented. Contains .05% androstenone by volume. • Xcite wipes, foil wrapped moist towlettes impregnanted with pheromones, easy to carry and quick to spread on the body. Scented. Everyday new “pheromone” products are being touted on the market. How do you know you’re going to get the real thing and not just an ineffective cologne with a lot of hype and no results ? Well, when buying a pheromone product you should ask yourself these questions: Is there a money back guarantee? Most of the reputable brands offer this. Does the product information clearly indicate that pheromones are present, what type they are and in what quantity? There are different mixtures, but generally look for androstenone, androstenol, and for women copulins Do the results promised sound absolutely too good to be true? They probably are. © 4 Freedoms 2003

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There is one similarity with regular perfume, it seems that various pheromone formulas can react differently with each individual. So you may want to experiment with a few types. You can find out more about pheromone products - brands, what they do and how to get them - at our website.

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T he H e a l th B e n e fi ts O f S e x By Pala Copeland and Al Link, Urban Male Magazine, Summer 2000 Lose weight. Reduce stress. Lower your cholesterol level. Improve your circulation. Live longer. Stay younger. Sounds like an ad for a new wonder drug right? In fact it’s a partial list of the benefits of humanity’s oldest and most pleasurable pastime – sex. Most of us are aware of the feel-good benefits of sex while we’re engaged in it, but do you also know that there are benefits which carry on after the sweaty bodies have dried and the sweet talk has reverted to sports? For instance: Maintaining Ideal Body Weight There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. For every 3500 calories you burn (that you do not replace with food!) you will lose one pound of fat. Sexual intercourse burns approximately 150 calories per half hour. Here’s how that stacks up against some other activities that may be part of your fitness regime: yoga 114 calories per half hour, dancing – rock 129, walking – 3mph 153, weight training 153, canoeing - 2mph 153, volleyball 174. According to one survey reported by the Ottawa Citizen, Canadians on average have sex 7.33 times per month, lasting approximately 24.4 minutes. That means

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that “Joe Canada” is burning off more than 10 thousand calories a year, or about 3 pounds, in a not particularly active sex life. Those who are more sexually active, into Tantra for instance where lovemaking lasts 4 hours, would burn up 600 calories a session. At once a week that’s 31,200 calories or 9 pounds per year. Considering that people put weight on gradually, slowly gaining 5-10 pounds per year until they are overweight, it’s not unrealistic to assume that regular sexual activity is one way to help maintain a healthy body weight.

Increased Blood Flow Sex helps increase the blood flow to your brain and to all other organs of your body. Increased heart rate and deep breathing accounts for the improvement in circulation. As fresh blood supply arrives, your cells, organs and muscles are saturated with fresh oxygen and hormones, and as the used blood is removed, you also remove waste products that cause fatigue and even illness.

Lower Cholesterol. Lowering your cholesterol is another of the “sex as exercise” benefits. Sex helps lower the overall cholesterol level. Perhaps more importantly it tips the HDL/LDL (good/bad) cholesterol balance towards the healthier HDL side. Stress Reduction, Relaxation and Improved Sleep People having frequent sex often report that they handle stress better, so the normal stresses of living do not © 4 Freedoms 2003

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become distress. The profound relaxation that typically follows lovemaking, with orgasm for women and ejaculation and/or orgasm for men, may be one of the few times people actually allow themselves to completely let go, surrender and relax. Many indicate that they sleep more deeply and restfully after satisfying lovemaking. In the relaxing afterglow you may be able to let go of distracting thoughts. Being able to stop thinking has helped many to overcome insomnia. Sex as Pain Reliever Through the touch magic of sex the hormone oxytocin is secreted in your body which in turn causes the release of endorphins. Because of these natural opiates sex acts as a powerful analgesic, elevating the pain threshold and helping to relieve the aches of conditions like arthritis, whiplash and headaches. Now there’s a novel approach, sex as a remedy for headache rather than an excuse for abstaining! With arousal and orgasm oxytocin levels rise. They spike 3 to 5 times higher than usual just before orgasm. In fact it is oxytocin that triggers the orgasm. Measurements performed at the Masters and Johnson laboratories have shown that the uterine contractions brought about by orgasm (triggered by oxytocin) are just as powerful as those of child labor. Women can use this extraordinary orgasmic contraction and relaxation of the uterine muscle to relieve cramps during PMS and menstruation.

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Live Longer, Stay Younger A British study of 1,000 men found those who had at least two orgasms a week had half the death rate of their countrymen who indulge less than once a month. The hormone DHEA promotes sexual excitement and increases in response to it. Dr Theresa Crenshaw author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust says DHEA may be the most powerful chemical in our personal world. It helps balance the immune system, improves cognition, promotes bone growth, and maintains and repairs tissues, keeping your skin healthy and supple. It may also contribute to cardiovascular health and even function as antidepressant.

Prostate and Genital Health Some doctors believe that more than 75% of men over 50 have a somewhat enlarged prostate, and that virtually all men will suffer from prostate enlargement if they live long enough. This condition, called benign prostate hypertrophy (BPH), is normal and usually not dangerous. Unfortunately, some of these men develop prostate cancer, one of the leading causes of death in older men. Regular sexual intercourse with frequent ejaculations will help to keep the prostate healthy. For those men who practice delaying ejaculation, for example in the practice of Tantra Sacred Sex, performing Kegel exercises (in which you contract the muscles around your genitals), will tone these muscles, just as exercising other muscles tones other areas of your body. More importantly, these exercises will help keep the prostate healthy, by moving the sexual energy up out of the prostate and circulating it throughout your © 4 Freedoms 2003

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body. The technique is very simple and you can perform hundreds of contractions per day for top sexual/physical fitness for both men and women. Imagine you are urinating, but want to stop the flow of urine, that’s all there is to it. Contracting your muscles in this way is one of the healthiest exercises you could add to your exercise regime. When 178 Belgian men with minor erection problems participated in a 4-month daily rehabilitation program which primarily focused on Kegel exercises, 74 percent showed improvement and 43 percent were cured. For women, Kegels strengthen the entire urogenital tract, aiding greatly in childbirth and preventing the onset of incontinence in later life. They also sensitize the genital tissues, helping women to become orgasmic and/or increase the intensity of their orgasms

Boost Testosterone and Estrogen Regular sexual activity boosts testosterone and estrogen levels in both men and women. Besides boosting your libido testosterone fortifies bones and muscles. Some physicians suggest that testosterone keeps hearts healthy and good cholesterol high. Testosterone is what makes the sex drive in men and women more aggressive. It makes you want to have sex, pursue sex, initiate sex and perhaps dominate the lovemaking. Testosterone seems to motivate both men and women to strongly desire specific genital sex and release by orgasm. Because men have so much testosterone, they seem obsessed with genitals, intercourse and ejaculation, but appear to care less for romance and foreplay—touching, hugging, cuddling, eye gazing, etc.

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Sex increases women’s estrogen levels keeping vaginal tissues more supple and also protecting against heart disease. It is estrogen that makes a woman sexually receptive and responsive to a man’s approach. It is estrogen that makes her want to be touched and feel romantic, it is testosterone that makes her want to be penetrated. Estrogen makes a woman soft—breasts develop in response to estrogen. Estrogen is a powerful influence on how a woman smells. It influences the degree to which she projects softness, openness, and interest in sexual touching. Men’s bodies also produce estrogen. In fact testosterone can be converted into estrogen in the man’s body. Some estrogen helps a man to develop the softer, more nurturing feminine sides of their personalities. As men age, the testosterone/estrogen balance begins to shift, with testosterone decreasing and estrogen increasing, and this is one reason why so many men seem to mellow out as they get older.

The Healing Power of Intimacy Sex is good for you, but sex with love is even better. According to Dr. Dean Ornish author of ‘Love and Survival: the Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy’, “an open heart can lead to the most joyful and ecstatic sex”. His researches into intimacy and its effects on health have shown that “anything that promotes feelings of love and intimacy is healing”. If you have someone who really cares for you and for whom you care in return, someone you are intimately connected with in all ways – emotional, physical and

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more -- then you may be three to five times less likely at risk of premature death and disease from all causes. Part of this has to do with the positive effects of touch, what Dr. Crenshaw refers to as Vitamin T. The chemical composition of your body is changed by touch. Caressing, hugging, stroking, cuddling send a chain reaction of chemicals to signal your brain that this is pleasurable, nurturing, good. There is strong scientific evidence demonstrating the importance of touch to good health. In the 1930s, Dr. Rene Spitz, attending physician at a number of nurseries, noticed that the illness and mortality rates were quite a bit higher in some of the nurseries. His observations and experiments led to the finding that the children who were becoming ill and dying had nothing to do with hygiene or nutrition, but rather had to do with the amount of touching the infants received from the attending staff. He confirmed his findings by hiring “grandmothers” to come into the nurseries to hold, fondle, and cuddle the children. The illness and mortality rates declined rapidly. Researchers at Miami's Touch Research Institute (TRI) found that premature infants who received three massages a day over 10 days gained 47 percent more weight than preemies who weren't massaged. David Sebringsil, who writes regularly for The Society For Human Sexuality (one of the best online sources of excellent, sex-positive information), recommends Erotic Massage become a part of or alternative to regular lovemaking. It is one of the best ways to help someone achieve extended, multiple, or "whole body" orgasmic states. Through erotic massage partners learn

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to give and receive loving touch and extraordinary pleasure. It makes you healthier and happier. Healthy blood, healthy bones, healthy heart, healthy body and a peaceful mind – all thanks to the healing powers of sex. Next time you’re in the mood let her know you’ve got the doctor on your side!

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About Authors Al Link and Pala Copeland Al Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra. Since 1987 they have been Tantric lovers and have been teaching others since 1997. They regularly host Tantra Sacred Sex workshops in Ontario and Quebec, and weeklong retreats in exotic locations around the planet. For more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308 International long distance: 1819-689-5308. Visit their website or send email. Look for their book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, from New Page Books, March 2003, or visit their web site for a FREE illustrated PDF file with chapter excerpts.

Besides being a Tantric lover, teacher and author Al is also a talented photographer. All the photographs in this 100

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Ways To Keep Your Lover eBook are his work, with the following exceptions: • the 100 Ways cover photo is by Bernard McCaffrey • the first photo, top-left of Classic Lingerie is from the sextoysex.com site • the Intercourses book cover is by Ben Fink • the Love Swings photo is from the sextoysex.com site • the Vanilla Body Butter is from the manufacturers’ information • the Love Warriors photo (Lovers’ Ways #73) is by Bernard McCaffrey • the Apertio CD cover photo is by Jo-Anne Gauci • the Soul Sex book cover photo is by Bernard McCaffrey

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eBooks Available From 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra

e B o o ks b y A l L i n k & P a l a C o pe l a n d Tantra & Kama Sutra Sex Positions, by Al Link and Pala Copeland, First interactive edition December 2003, Revised May 2004 • available in Adobe (PDF) and MS Reader (lit) formats: as downloadable files and on CDROM

Voluntary Ejaculation and Male Multiple Orgasms, by Al Link and Pala Copeland, First interactive edition May 2003, Revised May 2004 • available in Adobe (PDF) and MS Reader (lit) formats: as downloadable files and on CDROM

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Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, by Pala Copeland and Al Link, New Page Books, 2003 a free PDF file of EXCERPTS • from the book, includes illustrations. • Download it now

4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra Guide to Sex Toys • a free PDF file with illustrations and hot links • Download it now

e B o o ks b y o the r A u tho r s Abundance

•

Money for Life

Dating and Seduction • • • •

Hypnotic-Seduction Seduction Program How to Drive Your Man Wild New Guy Gets Girl

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• • •


300 Creative Dates Romantic’s Guide to Popping the Question Kissing Secrets

Goddess • • • • • • • •

Female Ejaculation Movie & Book Awakening the Sacred Gate Get Goddess Attitude Amy’s Tutorial: Reshape Your Womanhood! 4 Women Orgasms The Makeup Course The Five-Minute Facelift Action for Female Hair Loss

Health and Healing – Food, Exercise, Nutrition, Mind/Body • • • • • • • •

Your Complete Guide to Food Intolerance and Food Allergy How to Relieve Pain Naturally with the Gentle Touch Dr. Sylvia Hartmann’s Adventures in Emotional Freedom Technique The Choices Energy Psychology Manual (EFT) How to Attune Yourself and Others Into Any Healing System Hypnosis & NLP Audio Products and eBooks Psychological Self Help Qi Gong

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• • • • • • • • • •


Natural Hair Re-Growth and Your Diet Boost Your Anti-Aging Enzymes Honey Magic Rapid Stress Relief Garlic Magic Vinegar Magic Home Made Medicine Hair Loss No More! Five Tibetan Secrets of Rejuvenation 2003 Astrology & Feng Shui Guide

Intimate Relationships • • • • • • • • •

100 Ways to Keep Your Lover Intimacy: A Green Light for Red Hot Sex Couples’ Guide: The Art of Lovemaking Real Foreplay 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships 1000 Questions For Couples Instant Love Letters Relationship Breakups Save Your Marriage

Masculine Sexual Mastery • • • • • • •

Voluntary Ejaculation and Male Multiple Orgasms Sexual Mastery Ultimate Ejaculation Mastery Orgasm Mastery: Premature Ejaculation Control How to Get a Male Multiple Orgasm Erectile Dysfunction & Impotence Curvature Treatment Method

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Moms • •

•

Mid-Life Moms The Single Mom’s Survival Guide

Sexual Techniques A-Z Guide to Perfect Fellatio

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Ordering a CD Copy of this eBook You can order a copy of this eBook in CD format. Cost is $15.00 US, which includes taxes, handling and shipping to anywhere in the world.

Order 100 Ways eBook CD HERE

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Give Us Your Comments We would love to hear what you think about 100 Ways To Keep Your Lover. To send us your comments click on one of the links below to open an email message. Click here to send us your comments and to allow us to post them on our website along with your name, and if you like your home country. Note: We won’t reveal your email address—that’s your private information. Click here to send us your comments for our eyes only.

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Copyright 2003. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be copied, redistributed or otherwise used without express written permission from the authors.

i

Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, Pala Copeland and Al Link, New Page Books, Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, 2003 ii The Spiral Dance: A Rebirth of the Ancient Religion of the Great Goddess, Starhawk, HarperCollins, New York, 1999.

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100 Ways to Keep Your Lover

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